


What if...?

by aminopropyl



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alexithymia, Blood and Violence, Complicated Relationships, Denial of Feelings, Destruction, Eventual Fluff, Eventual Happy Ending, Family Issues, Feelings Realization, Hardships, Italian Mafia, Jealousy, Love/Hate, M/M, Murder, Mysterious Past, Opposites Attract, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Secrets, Sexual Violence, Smut, mafia, possible cultural and societal inappropriateness, socially offensive language
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-28
Updated: 2021-03-05
Packaged: 2021-03-05 20:35:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 63
Words: 299,256
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25571446
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aminopropyl/pseuds/aminopropyl
Summary: After leaving the locked down facility, Minhyung tries to find himself again in the surrounding world. Emotional baggage that he took out of the treatment center combined with mafia affinities that entrap him in the loose, don't make Mark the easiest to handle.Donghyuck also has his secrets that force him to fabricate a lot of lies in everyday life. He tries to mask the traumatic past - balance the life of an ordinary teenager and work in the mafia undergrounds of New York.And what if two completely different personalities collide with each other?Water and fire have never been so close together. But can two such extreme elements fuse with one another?Will Donghyuck tame Minhyung's agressive nature?What if Donghyuck also needs to be saved?What if this relationship will end both of them?What if...?
Relationships: Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Mark Lee
Comments: 54
Kudos: 69





	1. Taste of winter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hi! 
> 
> This is my second story that I'll be moving here from Wattpad.
> 
> It's the most complicated and hard story I've ever decided to write - the most demanding plot at many levels. From reader's perspective it's really possible to not understand many things through first chapters. Emotional climat is just... rough, hard and heavy here.
> 
> What if...? is just completely different story than all I have tendency to write and I'm aware that it's simply not for everyone but just try to give it a chance, please. I really love it and I hope that you can love it too ♥
> 
> Admittedly, What if...? will be a romance, I'm not hiding it at all as I'm huge Markhyuck shipper. But it will be quite... ass backwards. You must be aware that there will be a lot of brutal things, hard topics, stormy breakups and returns, dramas. At the beginning it certainly won't be sickeningly sweet here, which is why I sensitise the soft for ugly things and impatient or thirsty for a fairytale romance I recommend charging the batteries because this time there will definitely be a lot of storms and rain before the rainbow.
> 
> But I can promise you that rainbow. It's just all about patience and letting characters to slowly develop.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> EDIT 18/02/21
> 
> I thought that everything written above was read with comprehension but apparently it wasn't, judging by the comments that appeared over time under this story.
> 
> This Markhyuck is NOT a utopia, a fluff, a relationship pattern to follow.
> 
> This Markhyuck is NOT a nice pillow story about a love that will overcome everything.
> 
> Of course, there are a lot of fun, happy, cute and romantic moments here because it's fanfiction. However, there are examples of how people function after traumatic experiences and who do not seek professional help. There is also a description of a highly toxic relationship that characters want to change into a normal one at all costs, but AS IN REAL LIFE, our psyche is governed by various mechanisms that are not fully rational and understandable to the environment.
> 
> I am begging you, dear readers, be aware of what I wrote, because I neither want to hurt any sensitive person with this story, nor explain myself a million times that this is not a story about a rainbow and a pot of gold at its end but a story based partly on facts, real people and real events. I can get tired of explaining all the time what is just written here.
> 
> And most importantly - THIS IS MY STORY. Constructive criticism is welcome, plot comments or changes proposals as well, someone in another story pointed me out the lack of swearing tags - that was great and needed - I changed that as it was mistake. But I am not going to accept forced searching of inaccuracy in my story, telling me who characters should be and who should not, because someone doesn't like their behavior. Remember - NOT EVERY character in the story has to be liked. This is why some heroes are created, just to dislike them, to dynamise the story in a different way. It's okay to don't like something I wrote!
> 
> This is how real life works - not everything goes our way and sometimes we get entangled in situations with no way out, we do not behave rationally, we return to the torturer, we are afraid of what has traumatized us, we react strangely. Be sensitive to the functioning of man in various psychological states, in various societal grounds, in various cultural environments.
> 
> I also make mistakes, I have no knowledge of what is hurting you, seems inappropriate from your perspective. Let me know then. Write: hey, author, this and this hurt me in some way, I found it inappropriate. And then we can talk why it happened, what it touched you and whether it was really a matter of a poorly written story (then I will try to change something) or maybe that the mentioned things themselves opened something in you.
> 
> Advice is sometimes super simple too - if you feel that a story isn't for you - you just don't read it. I am not publishing here with intention of pleasing the world and captivate crowds of people with my writing workshop because it's not perfect. I am here to write because it is my need. If someone likes what I'm writing - great, I am very happy that you are here. If someone doesn't like it - write politely why or don't write at all and just leave the story as I do when I don't like something. It won't make me cry.
> 
> I don't want anyone to take it very personally or as an aggressive statement. Remember, however, that the authors are also people and that they are not here to always please everyone and with each hate comment they break down and change the whole story to your dictation because you don't like it. It doesn't have to be liked. Forgive me, but it really doesn't have to.
> 
> Get from What if...? what you consider valuable and we can meet in the comment section to talk about it. 
> 
> Meanwhile, bye bye and remember - care for yourself first.

_"Boo..."_

_I shuddered a little, jumping slightly in place. I looked up from the book I was reading to look straight into a pair of beautiful, amber colored eyes. In fact, I only saw them because the rest of my attacker's face was covered by a white mask with purple, wide lines on the cheeks, a few small waves on his forehead and stains of unwashed blood scattered here and there, which soaked into the plaster mass so deeply that it was no longer possible to lure it out. I sighed heavily, smiling under breath, then closed the book, hoping that I could come back to it later today. The boy was hanging down his head, holding legs on to the metal structure of my bed. Man folded arms defiantly and I could only pray in spirit that he wouldn't fall._

_"One day you'll give me a heart attack, I promise," I greeted him with a smile. "I guess I'll never get used to it."_

_"I invented a new ninja technique" he boasted, completely ignoring the fact that I had almost left this world for a stroke._

_"Really?" I raised an eyebrow eloquently._

_"I devoted the last week to thorough study. Especially for you," he said mischievously, definitely heading towards flirting today._

_"So I let you try it on me," said and put the book aside. Apparently, I couldn't spend Sunday the way I liked best - with a good piece of literature in hand._

_"Ninja technique. One hundred kisses of Mark Lee" he recited in a voice changed for the needs of improvisation._

_"How many?" I started laughing out loud. The liquid gold hidden behind the mask brightened merrily, encouraging a dirty act. "My lips won't survive it," I groaned miserably, playing hard to get._

_"Damn, Mark! You're now under the influence of my intricately constructed technique! You don't ask but you act, man," he joked._

_I sighed, unable to stop smiling. I moved closer to the boy, lustfully licking my lips. I untied his mask gently from the back of head, wondering by what kind of miracle they hadn't taken it from him yet. Maybe it was his charm that affected all staff members so? I wouldn't be surprised. I wouldn't have so strong will to forbid him anything as well._

_"Hello, my little psychopath," I murmured seductively, admiring his wide smile._  
  


"Mark" a woman's voice called me to the painful reality. I looked at the bed facing me. It was empty. It was empty for a long time. "Mark," she repeated insistently.

"I can hear," I murmured irritably, wincing at the sound of her annoying voice.

"Mom will come for you soon, so if you want to say goodbye to anyone, now is your chance."

"Understood" I whispered, not taking my eyes off the clean white sheets when she was still in the same place despite the passage of time. The girl sighed loudly, probably wanting to express her fatigue in this way, then left the room, closing the door behind her.  
  


_What are you doing?" I looked strangely at the brunet, who was walking on the snow with his mouth open._

_"I taste winter" he laughed, knowing perfectly well that, as usual, he was full of stupidity. It was his way for getting me out of my depression, that he was naturally aware of. Boy grabbed my chin, pulling it down."Try it too. It's tasty."_

_"Okay, okay," I murmured, closing my eyes. I put them up to the sky, opening mouth._

_"Happy Valentine's Day!" The brunet shouted unexpectedly, throwing snow right in my face. I was so shocked that at first I wasn't sure what had actually happened. I stood for a moment in a place completely paralyzed by coldness that totally dominated my whole body. Finally, I shook head several times and wanted to express my dissatisfaction when the boy pressed his lips to me, kissing cool white fluff away from it. I smiled to myself, quickly giving him back that undoubted caress. "And...?" He asked murmuringly, biting slowly on my lower lip._

_"Tasty this winter," I whispered with a smile, unable to be angry with him._  
  


I closed eyelids, burying head deep in my arms.

"Please, come back..."


	2. Between the devil and the deep blue sea

**[may 2019]**

**[minhyung]**

Eighteen years old.

Not an adult and not a child.

The age of desire to escape.

A magical moment when you want to experience life and you do it.

Fleeing.

From responsibility.

From changes.

You lose yourself.

Falling.

Down.

I didn't fall.

I didn't know any of these things. I was taken away from my childhood and taken away from normal development. I have never felt the wind in the same way as other free people my age. The grass under my feet has never seemed so soft to me. The music in my ears was not the same as for the rest of society. From the very beginning, I was looked at differently and I felt adequate to it.

I didn't escape.

I had nowhere to go. Surrounded by a group of doctors who were supposed to show my parents that I'm a normal kid. From clinic to clinic - enclosed spaces in which I had to spend the best years of my life. None was right because none gave the most wanted diagnosis. They finally gave up and locked me in a place which evilness they weren't aware of.

Betrayal.

It hurts the most up close. Unexpected stab and escape. I experienced that. The greatest suffering because of a person I would never have suspected.

Guilt.

But not the sense of it. I didn't regret anything I caused. I had the right to do so and he deserved what happened to him. However, if I could control myself, my life could have been different. However, I couldn't. I still can't.

Gratitude.

What I went through left wounds on my mind, heart and soul. It gave me lessons and showed that even the closest person can stick a knife in your back without hesitation. I learned something priceless. You can't trust anyone in your life. To be hurt by someone means to be a weakling. Never feel the emotional relationship with anyone again. It was easier that way.

It kills.

People are leaving. They are with us, they move the heart and even if something never beats for another person, over time it is able to begin to vibrate a bit to the rhythm of something that pop culture defines as _love_. We're starting to lose ourselves in it. We weave the need to interact with someone alongside us in our everyday lives. We're getting used to it. But then people leave. They always do. The heart stops vibrating and freezes.

Forever.

"Will you not bother if I turn on the radio?" my mother asked with a smile, as if I had just returned from a two-week boy scout camp, not a three-year banishment from society. That's why I didn't answer. I was shitting her and her fucking radio. As for me, she could even put it in her ass and then make barrel organ out of it. If she counted on improving our relations, she was wrong. That woman has done me harm that cannot be forgiven in a flash.

A soft sigh filled the car, then a sound I didn't know. I didn't know it as well as many things we passed along the way. Unknown melodies, which are hits this summer according to the joyful announcer. Unknown buildings that popped up like mushrooms after rain, changing the landscape beyond recognition in which I once functioned as a teenager. Strangers, more and more colorful as they get closer to the center but somehow still more and more massive and homogeneous. All this caused me pain, although according to all reports, I wasn't able to feel it. However, I felt. I felt this pain, which made me realize that my life was wasted. Best time. A time I can never get back.

I clamped fingers more tightly on the cardboard that I kept on lap. I didn't want to take anything else with me. I didn't feel such a need. Only in this box were bitter-sweet memories, which due to the antagonistic two-part name I couldn't get rid of. The positive element seemed to prevail and occupy a special place in my heart. That is why, despite all this hopeless situation, I smiled.

Laid my head on the taped cardboard flaps and looked out of the window at the familiar unfamiliarity in which I had to learn to live again. I faced a challenge. However, it didn't scare me. I had a plan, I knew what I would do when I return. I knew that my past would find me faster than I expected. Sooner or later I'll break away from the people who drove me into this swamp.

I will escape thanks to the tentacles of the past that will save me from the present, which truly frightened me.

I walked slowly into the room, smiling under breath. My mother didn't change anything, everything was as I left it. For the first time today I felt like I was in the right place. The only one in which I didn't become a stranger or an intruder. Although in a strange way I was somehow cold, inaccessible. As if something told me that despite the feeling of pleasant acquaintance, it was no longer my home.

I went to the corner of the room by the door and then put my cardboard there. A box filled with various strong emotions. I knew that the day would come when I would feel unusually bad and loneliness would find me and want to choke. Then I will open it, experiencing a pleasant pain that will remind me of a humanity that I supposedly lost. For now, however, it had to be in the corner - seemingly hidden.

I sighed heavily, turning toward the dresser, on which stood a photo of a person from whom I had never heard that I was abnormal. From which I have never heard that there is no help for me. I approached the wooden photo frame slowly. I touched the edge of it with a sad smile under breath.

"Hello, grandma," I whispered in a hoarse voice that I haven't used for a long time. "I'm sorry we haven't been in touch for so long..." I began uncertainly. "I thought it would take less time and somehow..." I stopped this free thought that was born in my head so suddenly. I sat down reluctantly on the bed, still facing the dresser. I was perfectly aware that I was talking to a photo. That nobody would hear, that nobody would answer. However, I didn't care about the answer. Not any more. This is how it ended if no one else has ever listened to you except grandma. When you spent your childhood soliciting attention and bouncing off the wall of silence and indifference. When you were noticed only when you almost killed your own brother on the playground and the police were called to school. I smiled to myself. "Actually, it's good that you're dead," I told my grandmother after a moment's reflection on the last decade of my life. "You didn't have to look at the whole circus," I whispered a little nostalgically. "You did the right thing," I praised her as if old age were something over which we have full control. "You've chosen the perfect moment."

♥

**[donghyuck]**

I walked slowly with Jeno towards the house, listening to his chatting about final exams. SAT wasn't my biggest problem. Especially since we've both had a year to deal with it. During this time many things could happen. For example, I could be expelled from school for absence, which wasn't as unrealistic as I wish, given that the headmistress told me to appear in her office in a week.

Maybe I didn't care as much as he did because I simply wasn't going to aim for the sky in the field of science. Lee planned university, a great moving out and starting a family. The opposite of my dreams. I would only like to find a normal job, keep my home, escape the swamp I got into on my own accord and lead a peaceful life away from the city. I did not include happiness or love in my biography. I only noted survival there. I limited the field of view to a maximum of a week. Long distances with my lifestyle missed the goal.

"I'll go to the law school," the brunet continued, not discouraged by my silence. "I'll guarantee my mother that she won't have to worry about anything when something happens again."

"I heard the law is hard," I just said.

"I know. But I decided it a long time ago," he said very firmly.

"Hm?" murmured, not completely understanding what he meant.

"It took a long time for my parents to divorce," he answered falsely freely. Jeno's facial expression suggested that the topic of his parents' divorce still awakened him with a lot of negative emotions, which over the years did not lose strength at all. "Incompetent advisers, dismissive lawyers, judge sitting in the court room as if as a punishment. I would like others to avoid it because for me it wasn't an easy period," he confessed, thinking for a moment.

"I understand" nodded.

I didn't.

I never had to experience divorce, so I assumed that children of divorced people should be happy that they still have both socially correct parents, not just one. Let's not kid ourselves, people who can afford such step, during which they argue with each other for five years for the sake of principle, don't live badly financially. You must have money first to make this move. The realities in our country and social division are quite clear. I didn't want to tell this to boy because friends shouldn't hurt each other and he was incredibly oversensitive about his family. I never wanted to ask anything until he started the conversation himself. Besides, I could've been wrong. I wasn't able to assess whether I was thinking stereotypically - whether I was looking at it all from a bad perspective. After all, we lived in slightly different worlds, different social classes and different states of mind and level of reality.

"And you still haven't decided on anything?" he asked suddenly. "Almost everyone in our class has at least the right major," boy said and there was a kind of disregard in his voice. As if it was a shame that I don't have a plan for life. Maybe it was indeed. It was hard for me to judge it from current position.

"I don't know yet," I lied smoothly. I was a champion in this respect. Nothing came so easily to my tongue as beautiful lies about my private life. "There are too many things I would like to try."

"Hope you think quickly and go somewhere together" he smiled honestly.

I nodded affirmatively, not sharing this enthusiasm at all. As I said, I don't want to plan anything. I think Jeno realizes somewhere deep in his heart that there is no place for him in my future. That's why I decided to enjoy this friendship as long as possible and let it go when the time is right.

Entering the driveway of the boy's house gave a new topic to discuss, which I was grateful. Talking about school is annoying, as if nothing else could happened in life. Studying is important for brunet and I try to respect it but my squares on the attendance list are rarely without absence lines. I'm not wasting my life in a building that won't change my future anyway. I took care of the final crossing out of its positive orientation.

"I wonder what my mother did for dinner today," said the boy when we got to the door. "It's earlier than usual, maybe something other than soup will surprise us."

"I don't even complain about the soup as long as you're feeding me," I laughed heartily as I followed him into the corridor.

"I think we have a guest," the boy whispered suddenly, pointing to a pair of strange shoes in the vestibule.

"Maybe I'll go to my place, huh?" I asked confused. "I'll feel uncomfortable if it's someone to your mother."

"Wait a moment, I'll check. Probably only our father visited us" he rolled eyes. "It happens once a year, quite unannounced, as if it was still his home. Then there is nothing to worry about. He'll probably bail as always," he shrugged. It didn't change much for me. Mr. Lee was a very formal man and he did his parental responsibility in the same way. When he was in the same room, it was getting colder, nobody was saying a word to each other and he was reading the newspaper while sitting in the kitchen for few hours.

I sighed quietly, thinking that I could go home, where my own mother must have been waiting for me. Maybe not in such a warm atmosphere as at Lee's house but always familiar and specific.

Whenever Jeno invited me to dinner after class, it was a bit awkward at the table. His mother is an incredibly warm woman but I always felt like I was barging in or as if my mother was feeding me empty drawers from the fridge at home, which wasn't true. On the other hand, brunet always insisted and I had also hardships to refuse.

_Between the devil and the deep blue sea_ \- a sentence summarizing my whole life.

"Oh, Jeno. Are you back?" the woman asked in a cheerful voice. The boy didn't answer her, that's why I raised my head for a moment, giving up taking off my shoes. Suddenly the atmosphere in the whole house seemed to thicken. I couldn't quite explain it but today something was not as usual. The friend stood sideways to me and looked ahead as if he saw a ghost.

"What is he doing here, mom?" Jeno said in such an icy voice that I would never have suspected him to use. I began to be deadly curious who had dumbfounded him.

"I wanted to surprise you, so I didn't say anything," she explained in an uncertain voice, as if she suddenly felt guilty about the situation.

"Why did they release him?" he asked another question, ignoring the woman's apologetic tone.

"Jeno..." Mrs. Lee began slowly. "You should be glad your brother has finally returned home."

_Brother?_

"How the hell am I supposed to enjoy having a crazy person under the roof?!" my friend yelled unexpectedly, which stunned me. First of all, the boy never said a word that he had any siblings. At school, he was considered an only child and even reported about the lack of a brother or sister. Secondly, Jeno has never been impulsive. I don't think I even experienced a situation where he would raise voice because I always considered him a calm, determined and distanced person.

"Jeno!" His mother snapped at him, making me feel more out of place than usual. However, curiosity has always been my curse and I have mercilessly wanted to see my friend's alleged brother. That's why I probably took a few steps forward and left the corridor. I also hoped deep in my heart that maybe my presence would somehow alleviate this whole dispute. After all, it's stupid to argue in front of guests.

"Good evening," I greeted, breaking the awkward silence between mother and her son.

"Hi Hyuckie," a slightly confused woman replied. "Do you want something to drink?" She asked quickly, masking the confusion of the situation.

"Water, please," I said in a low voice because her son's scream seemed to still hang in the air.

I looked up to the boy who was sitting quietly at the table by the window. He certainly wasn't our age. This kid looked older and tired of life, as if he was undergoing torture during his absence from home. He was holding a glass of juice in hands but seem not to have a sip. Boy didn't make eye contact with us until I asked for water. Then he took his eyes off the counter and looked at me curiously.

I couldn't define that kind of look. If the eyes are the mirror of the soul, then the soul belonging to the elder son of the state of Lee was a bottomless chasm. While at first he showed curiosity about the unknown, now the boy's eyes became cool, jammed, empty. I raised one eyebrow, making him realise how tactless he was and at the same time to mask my own confusion. Finally, Jeno's brother smiled under breath and went back to looking at his own glass of juice, as if were looking there for answers.

If I had to describe him somehow, relying on external judgment, he would definitely be handsome. Slightly larger, dark eyes, pale complexion, hair black like a tar. At first glance, he didn't look too well-groomed. The pulled-up sweatshirt didn't look good on him. Besides, I thought that its gray shade is not the original one but rather acquired. Too large shirt didn't match his body shape. In general, he looked as if the clothes he was wearing didn't belong to him but were taken from a roadside booth to help the poor. The boy's hair was suitable for cutting, giving a general impression of narcotic, greasy pods. Apparently just flaws but there was something about him that caught me.

Suddenly Lee got up slowly, his fingers clenched on the glass, then walked away from the table. He hurried the distance that separated him from younger brother. It seemed to me that he accurately measured every move he made later and the words he said seemed to have been planned for months, prepared especially for the occasion. The boys' mom just looked surreptitiously, as if she were waiting for a great breakthrough in her children's relationships. She hoped to improve what I assume was destroyed a long time ago.

"You should be happy, Jeno, that your older brother is already home," he said sarcastically, then spouted the juice straight into my friend's face. I grimaced slightly because a few drops fell on me but I didn't have the courage to wipe them off. Brunet was unable to move, probably disbelieving the whole situation. Unexpectedly, an older brother made eye contact with me, handing an empty glass. It lasted only a moment but I had the impression that it paralyzed me for hours. _Darkness_ , that's all I could think of. I associated it with him. He drained everything positive from his surroundings, narrowing world only to the strait perspective of the bottomless chasm. "In this house, we save water and don't make dishes unnecessarily," he announced calmly in the voice of a professional master of the house, then smiled in false gratitude when I took the glass from him with a shaking hand and walked slowly deeply into the apartment, leaving awkward silence and general anxiety.

"I can't believe you did this to me," Jeno spoke first after a long moment of paralyzing silence. "I can't believe you brought him back to our home," he added, wiping juice-wet face with sweatshirt sleeve, then passed me without a word and left the house, slamming the door.

I was left alone in the kitchen with his mother, so there was a slightly awkward silence, which I could probably call out the most awkward of all that I have experienced in my entire life. We looked at each other for a while but we didn't know how to start the conversation. The question was - is there anything to talk about? Finally, the woman sighed helplessly, then sat down at the table, her face in hands. A simple thought popped up in my head that it was the moment when I apologize for the trouble and running away, but... I felt that it wouldn't be right at the same time.

"I'm sorry you must've witnessed this," Mrs. Lee whispered suddenly. "Unexpected appearance of Minhyung couldn't do anything good," she sighed heavily. "What was I actually thinking..."

"You don't have to apologize," I assured the woman helpfully. "I didn't know Jeno has a brother..."

"I'm not really surprised," Mrs. Lee admitted thoughtfully. "He didn't live with us for a few years and somehow I thought it would be nice to have both sons under one roof now," she gave me the sad smile of a truly worried mother. "As you can see, thinking is probably not my strong point."

"I don't know what to say," I admitted honestly. I wanted to kill Jeno for putting me in this position.

"I don't know either," Mrs. Lee, too, didn't try to trick my eyes. She must've felt more helpless in this situation than she looked. "I propose to disperse and pretend that this situation didn't happen," she finally said after another portion of awkward silence during which she said nothing and I stood there because it was stupid to just go out. Therefore, when she offered her solution, I just nodded in agreement and immediately left my friend's house.

♥

**[minhyung]**

I entered the secretary's office, holding a briefcase with SAT scores and all class diplomas that I had graduated from the medical facility. They literally gave me every stupid paper that I couldn't use later. As expected - they care aboutt least important things. All I had to do was pass all these documents at my home to school to get an official diploma because I was on the lists all the time as a student with teaching in external institutions.

The woman behind the desk gave me a vigilant look, as if I had been thoroughly announced on phone and someone gave all relevant information about my social maladjustment and disputes with the law.

Screw them all.

"Mark Lee," I murmured, throwing briefcase at her carelessly.

"Minhyung Lee" corrected me helpfully, officially.

"I don't care," replied. I wanted to get it over with quickly.

"Please wait" the woman sighed heavily, then stood up reluctantly from the swivel chair and disappeared with my briefcase somewhere deep into the next room.

Today my mother released me from home for the first time in a week, so I had something to celebrate. Apparently, once in a while she is supposed to check how I act in a society without drugs. I couldn't miss such an opportunity, so I planned to go straight from school to the store for a cold beer, which I missed so much in the youth detention center. I was counting down the days until the court decision on my temporary incapacitation ceased and then I was going to do something that I couldn't do in recent years - to live like a normal person.

A sudden move from the headmaster's office pulled me out of my thoughts. A small, tearful boy emerged from inside. Although he was on the phone, fiercely writing a long message to someone, it didn't prevent me from fully deciphering his identity.

Jeno's friend...

Jeno's friend, who by his similarity to someone else completely confused my mind.

However, this resemblance was illusory. This boy is not Luke. I knew that now. These were the facts that I had to come to terms with. Luke was dead. I had to stop looking for his doppelganger in the real world by all means. This behavior didn't lead me to anything good.

The boy passed me so quickly that all I could see was his dyed silver hair. The sudden appearance of this kid in my life was frustrating in a way. He was definitely a person in the present. However, he reminded me of the past, which made me want him to disappear. At the thought of this boy, dormant layers of frustration were coming to me. From frustration only a step to aggression and I couldn't lead to similar dependence... Not in these conditions. A perverse fate decided to constantly put my weak nerves to the test. We came across each other with the gray-haired kid disturbingly often, which is not strange given that we live next to each other. However, I was unable to move on with someone under my breath so deadly reminding me of...

"Put it in its place, please," I shuddered at the voice of the headmistress who had left the office. There was a strange exchange of documents between our three. The secretary handed me a piece of paper with a command to _sign it_ , then took over the folder from her supervisor.

"Donghyuck Lee?" She was surprised. "Is this not for archives?"

"No," the woman sighed heavily, as if it was hard to believe herself.

"You let him further" the secretary shook head in disbelief as she received the signed documents from me. In return, she gave me a sheet protector with certificate of the allegedly completed school a year and a half ago. I pretended to check its correctness for a moment. In fact, I was waiting for any interesting information to come on.

"I can't help it - I have a weakness for him," the headmistress admitted, spreading arms helplessly aside and turned back to office. "But this is the last chance I have won for him!" She reserved before closing the door.

"Yeah, sure" the secretary muttered under her breath and I started slowly to leave, stating that I wouldn't know anything more.

_Lee Donghyuck..._

♥

**[donghyuck]**

I sat in the headmistress's office silently and watched as she leaned thoughtfully over my briefcase. Already when I entered her room, she greeted me with a heavy sigh. That is why I knew from the very beginning that the situation I am in now must be hopeless.

"It won't work... You have too much absence..." she whispered more to herself than to me. Woman brushed hair nervously, as if frustrated by the fact that she couldn't find a way out of the situation. Although I should be worried, not her.

"I'll fix it..." started uncertainly.

"You can't fix it," she said firmly but somehow marked by powerlessness. "How would you like to do that, Donghyuck? Because even I don't know it, "she asked. I lowered head and stared at my own hands with the glassy gaze. "You already have a year in the back. Now you're failing again. "The woman pointed out to me as if I wasn't aware of it myself. "How do you want to convince me to give you another chance?" She asked and I just shook my head from side to side.

"I'm sorry..." I said in a shaky voice and the first tear rolled down my cheek. The headmistress sighed heavily.

"What are you doing to tank school in such a stupid way?" She was annoyed. I knew that she wanted me to finish at least this stage of education. I wanted it too but there were things in my life that made it impossible. It would be hard for me to explain it to her. "You're a brilliant child, Haechan. If you want, you get great results, so what's the point?" Apparently she wasn't able to accept my expulsion from school more than I did.

"It's just..." I started uncertainly, sniffling. "I work, ma'am," I explained to her. "I have to work," I added, as if it explained anything. I wiped wet nose with the sleeve of sweatshirt. "That's why I don't have time."

"Because of your mother?" She guessed and I reluctantly nodded. There was no point in discussing my whole family history here and now from scratch. The headmistress leaned elbows on the desk and looked out the window. There was silence in the office. At that time I managed to control my emotions a bit. I really didn't want to be expelled from school. My mother always wanted me to finish it, although our family situation put many obstacles in my path. I promised that the last tanked year would be the first and last on my education path but apparently I couldn't keep that seemingly simple promise. "Are you able to assure me that if I give you another chance, you will magically find that time?" She asked suddenly. I looked at her hopefully and incredulously at the same time.

"I'll find, I swear," I put hand to heart. And I really wanted to fulfill that promise. I didn't know how yet but I had to do it.

"You screwed up two years of your life, boy," she told me, closing my briefcase with an elastic band that I identified with the definitive nature of the decision that had been made. "Get out of my office and show your face again in the new school year," she said brusquely. "For the second time," she added in disgust, as if I were really abusing her goodness. That was indeed the case.

"I'm grateful, thank you," I whispered, bowing slightly for goodbye. Maybe we lived in New York and the headmistress was a black woman but I felt that I could never get rid of some of the cultural patterns we took here from home.

Although I don't know how much I want to play an American boy, I can't give up who I really am. As an immigrant entering a culturally different society, you enter it with a kind of patch. Even if you are surrounded by people with other patches, you have a special one only for you. And you avoid similar patches. Because the creation of ethnic groups exposes you to the view of other groups, creating conflicts. Paradoxically, it was safer to live alone.

And that probably hurt me the most.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I forgot to add that plot is going in New York. It may be strange at first to have not-Korean names around that much but I hope it won't be a problem with time :)
> 
> As to characters, I had Superhuman's era Donghyuck in mind and Jopping's era in Mark's case.


	3. New beginnings

**[may/june 2019]**

**[donghyuck]**

For a long time, Jeno avoided talking to me in every possible way. He didn't go to school, he told his mother to say he was terminally ill, he didn't reply to messages. He talked to me on the phone only once and he was ashamed to admit that his brother had been in a correctional and then therapeutic institution for three years in total. Educators at the clinic said they had done their best in the field of aggression inhibition workshops and the therapists at the center reportedly improved his emotional functioning. From what I understood, the boy had huge deficits in understanding and feeling any emotions and the only way to release the tension he felt because of the inability to name different states occurring in the head and body was active aggression. All the discharges indicated that he was all right now but Jeno claimed _once a psycho - for the rest of his life a psycho_. He didn't want to reveal the reason why Minhyung was placed in such an institution but I didn't care that much, so I didn't put pressure on it.

I looked out the kitchen window, from where I had a perfect view of Lee's porch. I never thought I would take an advantage of this convenience but the perfect opportunity came. Nothing stimulates nosiness like a new neighbor.

Minhyung stood on the porch and leaned against one of its pillars just by the stairs leading to the house. He smoked a cigarette calmly, looking at the estate bathed in the colors of summer evening. I managed to notice that this shaded terrace is the furthest point on this earth where he could reach by himself. I felt sorry for him because I didn't see any madman in this man. Of course, it was likely that I was wrong but I saw in my life a lot of fucks and the Jeno's older brother was hardly among them. I felt that Jeno wasn't without guilt. My friend definitely has something on his conscience but at the moment I couldn't say what it was.

Suddenly a girl appeared outside the neighbors' house. I'd have given my right arm that I had seen her somewhere before and it wasn't school but I couldn't recall the specific place and time of our supposed meeting. The blonde was wearing a pullover and shorts, apparently ignoring the rather cool evening. Despite the large, black backpack on her shoulder, she quite efficiently flinged herself at Minhyung, wrapping arms around his neck like an anaconda choking its prey. Black-haired just started laughing, throwing a cigarette butt on the lawn in front of the house, then smacked her ass. The girl didn't think for a long time, slapping him hard that I winced myself, being only an ordinary observer from a distance. The blonde entered without further ado, leaving the black-haired holding face on the porch. Her leeway implied me that these two have obviously known each other for a long time. I had to write it down somewhere in my head.

I felt a slight tap on my shoulder, which forced me to turn head away from Lee's house and pay attention to mother, who otherwise couldn't require my focus.

" _Why are you_ _peeping at your neighbors_ _so shamelessly ?_ " she asked, showing it in sign language.

"Easy" I smiled, brushing her hair from cheek. "I just found something that finally interested me."

**♥**

**[minhyung]**

"Documents" girl announced, throwing me some books and papers in the face. "Work phone, new sim card, wallet with cash," she continued, dumping everything on the bed. "Suit for company meetings and family dinners," she continued with a smile, as if she really enjoyed making mess in the room. In fact she really did. This woman is a real imp. There was one thing in her head and I wasn't going to wait any longer.

"Izzy" I laughed endearingly, snatching from her hands the backpack she came with. "I can handle it, sweetheart. Don't torment those neat fingers any more."

"Do you want be slapped again?" she asked coldly. I quickly put both hands on my cheeks and shook head. I mean, after all, she really was capable of punching hard.

All women had one thing in common: impulsiveness and emotionalism. Isabelle ignited as quickly as a flammable waste depot. She insulted and sulked like a five-year-old who did not get her beloved teddy bear from the window display. Despite the way she lives, she still likes to be treated like a princess and her dignity somehow still remains at a high level. Isabelle overindulges in being brutally honest with me and doesn't treat with kid gloves because, let's be honest, only in my case she can allow it. I don't think that such audacity towards the people she surrounds herself would end well.

"Why you so harsh right away?" I smiled silly because now my face must have really looked like that. Squeezed cheeks, lips done in a fish washed ashore and wonderful Asian eyes.

"What a day, I can't even get angry with you," she sighed with regret, folding arms over chest.

"My happy?" I winked a few times in a row. Izzy laughed, shaking head regretfully. She slowly moved closer to me, which was the only program that my satellite received. The girl ripped my hands off face, placing them around her waist. She raised an eyebrow significantly, arching her lips playfully. "Extremely happy?" I murmured as she sat astride me, touching nose with hers. Girl ran tongue gently and with focus on my lower lip.

"Mark Lee" whispered sensually. "How does it happen that sometimes you attract me more than my own man?"

"That's the fag's charm," I replied, attacking her lips aggressively. The blonde laughed merrily, leaving the sound only in our embrace. I leaned forward, putting the girl on her back. Without words, she took off shirt, exposing bare breasts. I smiled to myself, guessing that she had prepared perfectly for today's visit. When I took her shorts off, I correctly guessed that I would not find any underwear underneath.

That's Isabelle.

As shameless and reluctant to slow play as ever.

Things went fast with Izzy. Friends with benefits. That's what we were to each other.

I wasn't interested in women or deeper feelings, she paradoxically loved Marco. We express ourselves in only sexual way, which for years has not given in our emotions birth to love felt by people in real relationships. We were friends to death. Just it. We did nothing slowly and with affection. Rather, we preferred the rule: often and quickly. We both thought life was too short to overdo it with tenderness. In addition, the environment in which we were drawn did not allow us to get involved with anyone outside the company. In the company itself, the search for a life partner was also rather missed by the principle of limited trust. So since we were doomed to loneliness, why should we not make it somehow more pleasant?

I loved her feminine scent in all circumstances. She was able to stimulate my imagination in a specific way. Gently tempted, teased and deceived. I described her in my mind as an erotic devil because she always knew what I would desire on a given day. The main course has always been her body. None of the ladies could make my heart beat faster, just Isabelle.

Her delightful moans when I entered her were music.

Her violent gestures, when she bit me - the desire of a masochist.

She grabbed my neck tightly, wrapping legs around my waist. In such moments, even the nails of the girl stuck in my neck didn't cause pain. I worked at full speed, kissing her breasts passionately. It was nice to discover that she still had the softness of her own skin in mind.

I didn't care about my brother behind the wall because he didn't exist for me at all. _Maybe from this audiobook he'll learn how to make children_ , I thought. He didn't deserve to devote even a second of my thoughts.

Returning to Izzy's mouth, I grabbed her by one foot and moved her calf over my shoulder, leaning more forward. The blonde sighed with pleasure, pulling me hard on hair. After a while, however, she grabbed my jaw with fingers, fastening our tongues together, as if trying to seal the principle that I could only kiss her. I didn't intend to stick to this rule because I had already broken it but we were young at the time, so it didn't make a difference to me what I was agreeing to.

Climaxing she closed eyelids tightly, flexing under me like a cat. Even in this situation, her face was still beautiful and appealing. I never met her parents but they had to give her great genes. Such people were born less often than the slum dwellers gained international fame. I am constantly haunted by the irresistible impression that Izzy's series of wrong choices ultimately determined the course of her disgusting life.

"Don't leave me yet," she whispered in a low voice. "We finished too soon today" this request was so unusual on her part that she psyched me for a moment but a similar state didn't last long. I smiled, defying her and when I saw after Izzy that she would becall me from the worst, I redipped myself again, bringing our faces together. "Aaa, you damn..." she sighed angrily.

"You missed me that much?" I asked, kissing her nose.

"You wish" she mocked, pushing me hard with her foot. Her movement turned out to be so surprising and full of strength that I lost balance. She must have been really annoyed but deep in my heart I believed she really liked it. Izzy was a mischief, she couldn't hide her resentment for long. In the blink of an eye she jumped off the bed and put on her shorts. She was always able to make tracks faster than I expected. Well, this practice probably fits in with her professional art. I shook head resignedly, dealing with own clothes. "Don't forget that I got fired you because of you."

"You could follow the rules and not have sex with the patient," I reminded her, hiding a pink blouse with straps behind my back.

Right after I got to the correctional facility, Marco couldn't stand the fact that he didn't know what was going on at my place. He got Izzy to work at the cleaning service. However, she didn't cover her half-time job for more than five months because one of the nurses found that in addition to changing bed linen in the rooms, she occasionally sleeps with a participant in the corrective and educational program and effectively interferes with my resocialization process. Her career ended with fireworks and I didn't even want to think about what Marco did when he found out.

"Sorry, I was too hot for you," she admitted without a trace of remorse. She looked at me flirtatiously, hands on hips. "Give me the shirt, pretty please," she smiled slyly.

"I don't know, your breasts look unearthly in the rays of the setting sun," I replied in the tone of a tormented man - a poet - the prophet of a nation who cannot choose between two equalizing things. The blonde sighed in exasperation, bending down for something that lay on the floor. When she aimed the gun at me, I laughed silly, waving my hand as if to be embarrassed by her compliment. "It's okay, okay," I said delightfully. "Exchange?" I suggested throwing her blouse.

"Sure," she agreed, handing me the gun. "I like how submissive you are," she joked and I rolled eyes. _The dominant one was found_.

I sighed nostalgically, gently running fingers over the barrel of my only true love. Nothing took away hope and arouse fear as it did. I haven't used it for so long that I was afraid to touch anything near the trigger. I didn't want to kill anyone with it. It wouldn't be a real joy. I just had a desire to fire a shot. However, I couldn't keep it at home. I couldn't do any of these things. I was still able to separate my private life from work. Now it was permissible to fool around and make fun of Isabelle but it would end soon. Dirty work will start and there will be nothing to joke about. I will return to the same thing that I did during these memorable six months of having a hiatus between juvenile reform and therapy. Breaking records in taking away any hope.

I looked at the blonde who was staring at the box in the corner. She came up to it, tearing off the tape without asking. I didn't forbid her to do so. The carton contained nothing that I would be ashamed of. I didn't want to hide its contents from others but from myself, so as long as she didn't take anything out of it, I gave her a free hand. The girl laughed ironically, practically in disbelief, noticing the content of the box.

"What do you need this for, Mark?" she asked. "It wasn't bad enough with you when he just left you without a word? And you still packed his things! What the fuck is wrong with you?" she spat out, completely disappointed. I lowered eyes as I got out of bed. Izzy couldn't understand many things. She couldn't see in Luke what I saw. That's why I didn't want to argue about that today. I had no strength for it. The girl, as always, could properly ruin the whole mood.

"Glue it back," I asked calmly.

"Mark..." she began with a pile of grudges painted on her face.

"Just shut up and glue this fucking tape," I said coldly and finally. "I don't want to talk about it, you haven't heard it yet?" I snapped.

A deep silence fell between us. Izzy didn't look hurt. It was hard to do it because she had gone through much more shit in her life than I did. The girl was doing something much worse. She clearly felt sorry for me and I didn't want that more. I have lived too often with compassion. So often that maybe I still couldn't feel it but I sense it for a kilometer in other people.

I hated her with all my heart right now.

I hated that she looked at me as a wounded person.

I hated the care she gave me.

I couldn't forgive her for the warm embrace she surrounded me.

And most of all I couldn't stand that I had completely melted in it.

**♥**

**[donghyuck]**

My life since moving wasn't easier than before. Nobody bullied me but getting up at midnight on the phone from my boss wasn't that pleasant either. I had to do exactly what he wanted, at what time he wanted and where he wanted. The worst part was that I couldn't give up this kind of work if I wanted to live. When asking the mafia for a favor, one must reckon with the fact that debt repayment is a lifetime installment system without the possibility of finalizing the loan immediately.

I walked down the long corridor to Marco's office, wiping the signs of eyelid sleep. If I showed fatigue, I might as well provide free feed for marine fish. I heard rumors that the boss was once not so nervous and impulsive but it must have been a distant past. Since I have been here, my life has been bed of corpses for a year. As far as I'm used to seeing dead people, I know so well that I wouldn't be able to kill anyone myself.

 _Not anymore_. 

Errand boy.

This is how my present looked like.

This is the price I paid for new start.

Approaching the boss's office door, I heard arguments as usual. For over a week he has been doing nothing but being at loggerheads with his girlfriend. At such moments I was grateful to someone up there that it wasn't me who had to knock and let him know about my existence but a security guard. If there was a lawless system to check-in at Marco, there probably wouldn't be anyone to work for him. In addition to Vernon, the other two people change on average every month. The boss either kills them in his nerves or suspects of treason, sending to outside work far from the main unit. Living with him is not a dream job because after death, the family won't even get compensation for us.

When V saw me, he immediately knocked on wood so as not to waste time. Marco was crazy about punctuality and I wouldn't like to be in the place of a person who doesn't show up at the specified hour and minute of the call. The security guard didn't get permission to enter but he alone could allow it. His presence in the room was only to inform the boss that I had come at the appointed time so Perez continued his quarrel.

"I don't give a shit that there is no way for him to leave the house! Understood, you stupid whore, or has it not reached you yet?!" he screamed. I could bet that all the veins came out of his neck and tendons were clearly marked on red skin with anger. I only saw him in such a state once and by accident. I didn't want to experience anything similar again.

"Take care of it yourself and don't send me everywhere. I'm not your fucking errand boy," the girl snapped with real enragement. I would probably eventually burst if I didn't have a natural tendency to allow cornering. The victim's mentality facilitates adaptation in this environment. Isabelle, however, was temperamentally choleric. A second later, I heard Marco's hand meet her cheek. The way the man treated the girl was inconceivable to me. The guy who raises his hand to a woman... I shook my head. However, Perez has no feelings. He approaches human life extremely objectively and the very fact that he is committing such acts wasn't particularly shocking.

"You should know when to be silent, Bell," he warned menacingly. "I turn a blind eye to your assfucking behind my back but I also have a limit of patience and you just run it out," he said more calmly. I heard the loud sob of a girl who apparently knew what her boyfriend's words meant. "You will go to the hotel today and take care of our new guest," he said coldly. "Don't look at me like that because it's your punishment for insolence," he said in a voice of a businessman. Her body management was also a phenomenon for me. I simply couldn't imagine a situation in which I send my girlfriend to another pimp to punish her. If one is in a relationship, then rather in the traditional sense of this dyad, monogamy is sought. There is no such a thing as being ordered to have sex with a stranger as a penance.

Finally, silence fell in the corridor. It seemed like Marco decided to take a moment to Vernon. I looked out of the corner of my eye at the rest of the bodyguards who stood at the door and didn't even move. I wondered how often they witness such things. I began to feel sorry for them because this position is not only a privilege. If they have a moral compass, it must be hard to know that they can't react even when their boss is abusing a woman. On the other hand, after what I saw in training in the lower basement, I doubted that any morality remained in their heads after it. I was glad that I was too strong too give up on my mind after it. I liked my emotions and didn't necessarily want to part with them. And I don't think joining the mafia voluntarily and with a smile is a wise decision. With such a step, man agrees to a number of conditions imposed from above.

You can't deny.

You can't despise.

You can't decline.

You become an object in the hands of your master.

I myself never wanted to be in this city, in this building, with these people. The current state of affairs turned out to be the result of my own weakness and stupidity. For a reasonably normal life and peace at home, I entered the cavern of Satan himself.

Suddenly the door opened again and Vernon left the office. He was holding a huge bag in his hand, which meant that today Marco doesn't want to see me in person. I also just wanted to do my job, get out of here as soon as possible so as not to have to listen to the continuation of his unfinished business with Isabelle. The inability to aggregate into someone else's hurt hurt my pride so badly that I couldn't stand my vile thoughts about it. I remained passive. I watched and allowed the suffering of someone else.

"When leaving the parking lot there is a car at the traffic lights. You will take this bag to the address indicated on the GPS and then take the elevator to the top floor. The apartment is empty, so you will go inside and leave luggage in the living room" said the man, putting the parcel under my feet.

"What is this?" I asked, although I shouldn't quite do it. By nature, however, I was still quite curious and sometimes I couldn't stop a similar question. "If someone stops me, should I run away?"

"Fake documents, a few weapons, important papers, cartridges and a few clothes, so answer that question yourself," he muttered, turning back on me. He glanced ostentatiously at watch, throwing quite important information over shoulder. "At 1 am you have to be at the bench opposite the entrance to the restaurant, I advise you to hurry up."

**♥**

**[minhyung]**

I ran away from home for the first time when I was eight years old. Dad promised me that he would take me to the amusement park on my birthday. I waited for him for hours sucked to the window but he didn't show up. At that time I didn't know that he was checking the strength of his desk with the help of a secretary after working hours. If I knew, I probably wouldn't forgive him a week later even for a packet of my favorite cakes. Nevertheless, I was embittered to such an extent that I decided to go on a dream ride on the Ferris wheel all alone.

This story has no deeper meaning for my current situation. It was just my first thought when I fell from the first floor onto the lawn behind the house. I felt like those fourteen years ago again. The exception was my physical condition and bones, which were no longer as resistant to damage as they used to be. I clenched jaws and eyelids so as not to give a groan of pain that could unmask me in front of mother. I wouldn't leave home for the rest of my life if those night trips were discovered by this woman.

I rolled over sideways, then slowly stood on feet, squatting.

It was a beautiful night. I haven't seen so many stars in the sky for a long time. In total, I haven't seen the sky for a long time but I decided to pass over this small detail, finally setting off. I calculated that with good winds I would be only five minutes late and what is these five minutes after almost three years, right?

**♥**

**[donghyuck]**

Returning to the restaurant, I cursed my life with all heart.

I reached the empty apartment in fifteen minutes, which allowed me to think about why Vernon told me to hurry. I still had a lot of time until 1am, so I allowed myself to look around the apartment. It was beautiful, spacious and large with a wonderful view of the city through the huge windows replacing the wall. I thought that I would have to work hard all my life and then at the end of it be able to afford a similar one for at least a few months. Wonderful and impossible. We must expect someone important, since the boss has invested such a fortune in a similar area.

However, it wasn't the lack of money or general misery that affected my curse. Well, Vernon 'forgot' to tell me that I should also leave the car under the block because it will have a new owner. The worst turned out to be the fact that I had less than half an hour until the 1 am and I drove to the place at a much faster speed than even the fastest runner under the sun could develop. In addition, I felt that the security guard had no memory gaps at all, only the whole situation was planned to check again my suitability for the company. I wasn't entirely valuable because I refused to kill people, so from time to time they subjected me to completely different tests and this was probably one of them.

When I reached the bench with pain-burning lungs, I still had one and a half minutes of spare time. I fell to knees by the man sitting on it and began to breathe deeply. He must have considered me crazy. I felt like I was about to die of exhaustion.

"Applauding for you," I heard congratulations from a stranger who gave me a bottle of water. I accepted it gratefully, although I considered the possibility of poisoning its contents earlier. The desire overwhelmed the prospect of sudden death. "Sit down," he said after a moment, pointing to the free space.

I climbed upright to take my place next to the man I was waiting for since my training ended.

The man I was supposed to don't remember and show him that it's still true.

That it's his success.

I looked at him carefully, doing my best to pretend that I had never seen him before.

We sat in silence for a long time because at one past ten there was still no word between us. I stared at the restaurant door and wondered why the light was on at that time. At the same time, my body made me aware of the importance of regular exercise because lungs were bursting with focal pain overloading, excessive air filtration. I wasn't good at biology but if there was something like lung soreness, I probably had it.

"Do you have something to tell me at all?" I murmured because I was overwhelmed by the impression that I was wasting my precious time here that I could spend sleeping.

"I thought you were patient," he answered with a heavy sigh of disappointment. "Follow," he commanded gently, as if waiting for a performance. In fact, he was doing it because a moment later a scene was going before my eyes that I didn't understand at all.

Marco came through the door and I could even say from a distance that he was really pissed. He was smoking a cigarette, clearly waiting for someone. He walked nervously under the building, so I honestly felt sorry for the person who was late. If I had ever been summoned by my boss and had to appear with him with a minute of slipping, I'd rather stay at home packing things in the hope that he wouldn't find me at the other end of the world. Marco was a pedant in this regard. A punctuality terrorist, as if guarding time was a manifestation of his obsessive-compulsive disorder. He fulfilled this duty with true devotion.

Suddenly a boy appeared around the corner but I couldn't determine exactly what he looked like because of the dim light of the night lamps in that area. His gait was not fast as if he still thought he had plenty of time. He raised hand high and waved to Perez, who didn't return the gesture. Instead, he threw the rest of the cigarette away aside. I winced slightly, feeling that nothing good would come of this meeting.

In the end, the latecomer came close enough to let me panic that he was Jeno's brother. However, I wasn't able to see his face for too long because Marco punched him in the underbelly with fist. Minhyung, bent in half, took a few steps back to lean himself on the wall. I grimaced slightly because I imagined how much it must have hurt. The boss, after shaking sore hand, came up to him slowly and when I thought he would take the gun out or hit him again, the man just laid hand on Lee's shoulder, patting him gently, as if to relieve his suffering which evangelist Perez was.

I watched this scene in disbelief, until they, after exchanging a few words and half-smiles in embrace, entered the restaurant.

"Did you take a good look at him?" asked a man who was watching everything with a face of a person who knew exactly what would happen here.

"At this... boy?" I asked cautiously because I didn't want to reveal that I knew exactly who he was. I didn't know the man's intentions, much less the intentions of my mentally unstable boss.

"I would like you to watch him," he said, not giving a specific answer.

"Why would I do that for you?" I was surprised and looked at him crookedly. I began to feel more uncomfortable than before. This guy seemed even stranger then I remembered, which worried me. We didn't know each other that much. I could only suspect that he was pne of us but I could not say it with one hundered percent of certainty. I didn't want to play the role of a double agent. I still had some shreds of self-preservation instinct. In short, however pathetic my life was, I really wanted to save it.

"Not for me, you moron," he laughed unexpectedly, almost fatherly. "For the boss, of course. I know Mark like my own pocket and I don't feel the need to learn about his new life," he grimaced, handing me the briefcase he kept on lap. "It's not like Marco doesn't trust him and wants to blow him away, don't worry. I've heard a lot about you, so I assure you that he won't hurt him."

"How do you know me, even though I've never seen you in my life?" I asked, faking shock. I felt really insecure. I didn't want to be involved in anything, the more that it has to do not only with my work but also with Jeno and Mrs. Lee. Private and professional life - I never wanted to mix them up. Meanwhile, Minhyung was obviously going to unwittingly destroy this decision because he was perfectly somewhere in between.

"It's very simple. I'm sitting in the basement, Haechan Lee," he replied with a smile suggesting that made some decisions including me a long time ago. I only wished it to be decisions I planned to appear myslef. "I only leave it after dark," he sighed heavily, getting up from the bench. I understood that this was the end of our conversation. However, there were still a million unknowns in my head.

"Why should I spy on him?" I asked quickly before the man attempted to blur in the air. And he certainly knew how to do it. We all knew it. This is what the lower basement taught us - being invisible.

"Spying" he smacked excitedly, tilting head to the side, as if the phrase sounded uncomfortably in head. "It's too strong word," he said after a moment's thought. "And Marco chose you because apparently only in that you are really good," he explained calmly in such a pleasant way that I didn't even feel too offended, although in theory I should. I knew that when it came to doing this job, I didn't have much to offer. I decided to appear half-useless. From the very beginning I wondered why I received help from the Mafia at all, since I had nothing to give back in return. But it turned out that if you try really hard, you can do real monster out of everybody. I wasn't exception. "Mark is a close friend of Marco. He's almost like a family to him. He wants to see how he functions in society after a break from work, how much professionalism is left in him and how quickly he will notice that you're watching him," he added after a moment, as if he felt that this information is necessary for me to fall asleep peacefully. "That's why there is a challenge for you here too. I wouldn't wish you to be noticed."

"Why?" I swallowed hard.

"He'll just kill you."

**♥**

**[minhyung]**

"In the end, it ended that the shit put me in this awful place. My own brother " I shook head in disbelief. " Beggar belief."

"Should I get rid of him?" Marco suddenly asked with such a serious expression that he genuinely amused me. "This is not a problem," he assured quickly, shaking head in a way that indicates that one wag of his finger and half America is six meters underground.

"It's not worth getting your hands dirty with this rubbish, man. You'll only waste your time," I said. "Somehow I can bear the sight of him. Besides, he's still my brother, though he didn't deserve to be called that."

"Family ties over this world rot?" he laughed at his own sentence, which has been used as a line to associate partners for years.

"Not necessarily this time," I replied. "You have proven to me that sometimes friends are more worthy than the carcass we have to call siblings," I raised a glass of wine to confirm the strength of my words. Perez collided our vessels in support of this thought.

"Listen, Mark..." he began slowly. "I only wonder one thing. Why did you sit there for so long?"

"I was in trouble and somehow I couldn't get out of it," I shook head with the gentle smile of a person who remembers a bitter-sweet moment in his life. Although staying at the clinic was the worst experience on the list of bitter falls, I also got a sweet taste there.

"And how did you manage them?"

"They disappeared themselves," I replied sadly. There was a long silence between us for a moment. "I didn't have much influence on it," I said, burying the bitter truth with the last of the wine.

"That's probably good," Marco was surprised, as if my lack of enthusiasm with a similar turn of events was worrying.

"Not quite" I grunted, bettering in chair. "But never mind. The past stays in the past. You'd better tell me how you planned my future," I encouraged him with a smile, which he caught almost immediately.

"First of all, you should know that you won't find almost any new face down there," he said seriously. "I got rid of a few, I sent most of them to our farms and outskirts because I was worried about their behavior."

"What about Steve?" I was somewhat concerned about the narrative he adopted. He was very negatively marked. At such times, Perez managed to devote himself to oblivion and often removes from his path people who should never be removed.

"He's still in his den. He's got a lot of work lately," he said.

"What's happening?" I asked.

"Carl has gone to the Russians," he muttered, putting down glass. He apparently lost his desire for wine. "We're doing everything to get him but it's not the easiest. He sits in a hole like a rat and doesn't want to get out," he growled in fury.

"The only plus of this situation is that he didn't have access to our underground," I noticed. "Otherwise we would be destroyed."

"At least this thing but..." he spread his hands. "I grew a viper in my own backyard," he cursed under breath, turning head sideways, as if he still couldn't accept it. "That's why I kicked everyone out of here," he said. "I've been creating everything from scratch for a year but I still can't finish it. That's why I need you badly, Mark," he said, staring at me with hope. I'd never seen Marco so desperate before in my life. My heart slammed at the thought of what he was going through here while I was sitting in the ward. Immediately, I even felt stupid that I was so selfish and didn't take into account his feelings. "That six months you have been here wasn't enough."

"If I could, I would get up to it even now but it won't work," I frowned. I was really angry at this whole situation. "My mother keeps me locked. Today I had to flee through the window to see you," I explained, amusing Marco a bit. "Don't laugh," I said, with the corners of my mouth up. "I know it's fucked up but I can't help it. The decision about my incapacitation is still in force for the next month."

"So i'm in fix then," he sighed deeply, leaning back in chair.

"Not necessarily" I denied. "Give me a week or two and I will tell my mother that I got a job in a restaurant and I want to start living normally. Until then, Izzy can inform me what's going on or initiate everything."

"That would have to be enough for us for now," he agreed. "When you'll be ready, know that there is a car and an apartment waiting for you," he said. "I take all your stuff there slowly."

"Perfect."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Marco Perez is head of Italian mafia in New York. He's the boss of Mark and Haechan.   
> Isabelle is Marco's girlfriend who he bought at an auction of underage girls.  
> Steven is Marco's right hand and the most trusted man.
> 
> I'm not sure if it's needed to explain that but maybe it will be better to put it here.


	4. Definition of freedom

**[may/june 2019]**

**[donghyuck]**

Minhyung was sixteen when he first came to Marco in the autumn of the 2013. At first, he washed the dishes in the restaurant and was carefully watched until Perez saw the potential in him. In the briefcase I got yesterday, the boss wrote that _the boy had the specific look that appealed to_ him. He noticed the material for the killer, which would give an amazing effect, if only assemble its parts properly. I was very interested in this observation because he wasn't a fortune-teller to read from the tarot about the potential murderous predispositions of a teenager from a washing-up cloth. Marco had a sneaking suspicion that Minhyung's inclinations were due to the situation at home. A very well-structured family in which the excess of love for one's neighbor suffocates, causing a lack of some factor. I came to the conclusion that this factor is Lee's father, who left home when Jeno was ten years old, which is fourteen for Minhyung. However, divorce is not enough to start a mafia life. When the parents break up, the world is not coming to an end, so I felt that the catalyst of the older brother was stuck in a slightly different place. He was somewhere where Marco's insightful eyes could not reach.

The next few pages were boring notes about observing Lee's behavior in the workplace and then the assimilation process in the new environment, which apparently didn't last long. The boy treated this promotion as a chance to fill the gap, which was free time. His schoolmates didn't accept him, causing feelings of rejection and constant loneliness. Marco also mentions his relationship with brother deteriorating. Jeno isolated himself from Minhyung at school and often made his life miserable in various ways, also encouraging his friends to do so.

At this point I needed a moment to breathe. I didn't want to believe what I've just read. Jeno wasn't like that. He treated everyone cordially, he was always helpful, honest, willing to act. Such a good soul simply. Beyond my understanding, at this point was the fact that he was able to bully Mark so much that he almost beat him to death in the yard outside the school. There had to be something more here. These things don't happen between siblings. At least I thought so because I never had any siblings myself. Maybe being an only child had some advantages. Like for example not having urge to kill somebody.

_In some ways I'm glad that only I am the person to fully understand him. We have established a unique bond and I promise it very well. We have a secret that makes us strong, good friends._ So the boss wrote in a personal note attached to the briefcase. It came from a six-month break between juvie and a therapy center to which the boy was sent next. I haven't found anything else about Minhyung's private relationship with the boss. Apparently, the boss thought it was too secret and personal to share with me. In any case, they were very close and at the moment it seemed to me that this information is worth noting for the future. It is always better to know what kind of ties connects who with who. This made things much easier in terms of communication and information extraction. A good border marker. The same was with names. In basement I was _Haechan_ and so his name was _Mark_. I started to think that it will be the best to erase his Korean name out of my dictionary at work place.

There wasn't much here from Minhyung's treatment. Dry statements that, of course, has clear problems with aggression but he is young, so group therapy brings great successes and corrective methods work. Minhyung at first alienated, in time even befriends a friend from the group. Individual therapy obviously indicates significant improvement but the center recommends additional tests and asks the opinion center to prepare a psychological and psychiatric expertise for the diagnosis of alexithymia, as the pupil doesn't seem to understand the content of the workshop on emotions, has problems with their expression and tasks consisting of putting themselves in someone else's situation and describing the feelings of both him and the person on the other side of the role played.

_Alex_ -what?

I felt that I was delving into all this too much. I didn't understand some of the things on this paper except that Minhyung had clear problems managing his own emotions and feelings. Maybe that's why Marco saw this potential of the killer in him? Did he find him valuable because he has no qualms? Did that mean that Minhyung was actually a psychopath? I didn't know if an equal sign could be made here. I had to educate myself.

In any case, the boy was released from the juvenile reformatory and after half a year came the opinion that he actually suffers from the benign form of this alex-something and for further diagnosis and treatment, the court directs him to forced treatment at the therapeutic center. Here, the documents break off, as if this institution sucked off everything possible, as if it was an impregnable fortress. Only on the last page was a letter with a decision to prolong the treatment as a result of the patient showing symptoms of depression caused by recent events at the center.

And that would be enough.

Although I felt it was just the beginning.

♥

**[minhyung]**

"Don't you think a return to this is a bad idea?" Grandma asked, watching me clean the gun.

"If I had a choice, I might think," I replied lightly, putting the gun parts in their place. "But I don't have it."

"Life in fear is not life, Hyungie," she noted, calling me like no one else had ever called me. Since my head produced it, apparently similarly affectionate diminutive was unknowingly needed.

"Living in slavery is also not life, grandma and you know it well. You see me choking in this room," I accused her. "This house is a prison. There is no future for me in it."

"Marco won't give you that either, sweetheart."

"I won't stay here" I sighed in exasperation. "I'm leaving in few months," I decided firmly, putting the weapon together and aggressively reloading it in my nerves.

Loneliness does terrible things to people. Isolation from society deprives our needs like anything else, putting our mind in a state of permanent psychosis. I literally did the same in my childhood. Left alone, I created imaginary dialogues with made-up characters. In adulthood, so much changed that I talked to my deceased grandmother. I gave myself a small plus at least for the awareness that it wasn't real dialogue. I just needed to talk to someone sometimes... It wasn't my fault that I didn't have anybody alive.

I looked at the cardboard in the corner and took a deep breath.

"Tell me, Luke, when this life got so complicated, huh?" I laughed under breath, shaking head. I didn't expect an answer from my (boy)friend. I had some kind of mental blockage associated with him. Or is it the belief that suicides do not have access to our world? They hang somewhere between the worlds, unable to communicate with the living on earth. That's probably why I couldn't call him in my head. At least, that's how I explained the effects of the trauma of that day. My ability to visualize his person has died. I erased him.

When my gaze returned to the box again, I thought it was time to finally open it. It has been too many months since I closed it with the thought that its contents would never see the light of day again. I got up slowly from the desk chair and put weapon under the bed's mattress. I kept thinking in categories, what would happen if my mother found something. This atmosphere was not healthy, which only made me realize how much it was necessary to move out of this madhouse. I knelt at the cardboard, then moved my finger because of the slippery insulating tape to find the protruding end on its surface. I didn't mean breaking it with a flourish and using it as a streamer as a sign of freedom. Later I was going to seal the box back and push it into a darker corner so that it would not tempt.

I am a person who strongly believes that the past belongs to the past. Even though I get pissed off a lot, I don't hold offense long. I don't ponder defeats, I try to forget about people who were once important to me and who betrayed me and turned their backs on me. If they hurt me, they aren't worth cultivating their image in memories. Each groundbreaking event is for me a new future and another chance for revival. I learned this at the resort. Living the moment, appreciating the passing of time, transforming suffering into a positive note. However, there are weaker days. Nobody is made of steel. Sometimes I feel more and let humanity come to the surface. Then I'm really mentally weak.

That day was today.

I discovered the contents of the carton, looking for just one thing. I took a white mask out of the box with purple lines on cheeks and waves on forehead. It was terribly troubled because its owner had used it intensively for almost twenty years. In places it had visible features, as if it had repeatedly fallen on sharp stones. The most attention was drawn to dirty spots that could suggest unwashed mud but I knew it was blood.

This mask made me reflect strongly on the boundaries that man can reach.

How much he keeps it real when does something wrong and how does he push it into unconsciousness?

Someone is born a monster or is he just becoming one?

In my opinion, everyone has the potential to become a beast. It lies deep within everyone. Well hidden, not activated.

Applying the mask on face, I wondered if Luke felt thanks to it that he was a completely different person.

Did he think he can more?

Did he believe that nobody would recognize him?

Did he hide behind it?

Was it an excuse or justification for him?

I didn't know the answer to these questions but I felt I couldn't sit at home right now. I needed a feeling of wind on face and to convinced myself that I was no longer enslaved. I wanted to have a choice, decide what to do later.

That's how I defined freedom - the ability to look at the real sky.

♥

**[donghyuck]**

I looked up at the sky and winced in disgust. It looked like it was going to rain so I didn't like it very much. I never liked rain because I didn't have the best memories of it. As before the storm, the air became heavier and I took in air worse. Closeness slowed down my movements and shopping bags didn't help at all. I dragged myself mercilessly and the vision of dinner that was waiting for me at home made my stomach growl. I sat too long by all these documents. The folder I received was quite thick. Some materials drew me to such an extent that I didn't feel the passing of time. Only pissed off mother entered the room and kicked me off to the store with newspaper because the fridge was almost empty.

I haven't been home too often. Not that I go to school somehow passionately. They finally expelled me for something. Despite everything, I appeared there from time to time and recently even calculated how many hours exactly in which month I will have to appear in the new year to get it all right. My mother took care of her son's education enough for me to pass and finish high school. She didn't require more because she knew exactly what kind of situation we were in. I had to earn money working for Marco. He didn't pay me much because I was still on probation but he demanded to be at his beck and call and that required availability at the expense of school. Usually, after a year, people were leaving the area of New York, he sent them to other cities, from which they received much more money. I am still in the same place because Marco claims that I'm useless. He repeats it every time we see each other but his eyes deny it.

  
Fear.

  
Marco was simply afraid of me because he didn't know what was in my head. He couldn't read my next moves. He held me in abeyance as a useless tool because he couldn't make the safest decision of me. He knows he can't get rid of me because I'd hurt him. He didn't want to let me into the main basement, too, because he was afraid of what I would do with the information that was hidden there. And that was all that mattered to me.

  
Main basement.

  
This is where I had to get. I just had no idea how.

I've never had a high self-esteem but I've got used to constant insults. My father insulted me all the time and leveled me with shit, which is why I think I can't fall any lower. Total worthlessness was my advantage. I didn't mean anything to anyone, I didn't cause extreme emotions in anyone. I just existed and I was pushed. I think it's sad but I didn't feel too bad about it. I've lost receptors responsible for feeling discomfort because of loss of dignity long time ago. I would die in this world if I had time to feel sorry for myself. I fought for survival like a worm crushed by a clod of clay. Apart from the basic values and vital functions, I didn't recognize or perform anything else. I no longer needed it for anything.

Passing by the playground, I felt a drop of rain on my cheek, which pulled me from lethargy. I looked at the road in front of me, noticing that I was close to the estate. I looked at the sky and sighed helplessly. _There will be a downpour_ , I thought flatly, wanting to move on. However, my attention was drawn to the specific sound made by rusty hinges. Some people would probably think of a horror movie in which the man dressed as a clown kidnaps children and takes them to a cabin in the woods. But when I turned towards the playground, I didn't see any children playing. Instead, a boy about my age was lying on the carousel, smoking a cigarette, not at all discouraged by the fact that he would be caught by a heavy downpour soon. He thought about something deeply, looking up at the sky and gently set the carousel with feet. Hence the scary sound. A mask was put on his head in such a way that it would only reveal mouth, enabling to give himself full to addiction.

When I was about to move on toward the house, suddenly something touched me. It happened so sometimes in my head that even seeing something only once in my life, this one image was able to trigger a real avalanche of associations. The subconscious sometimes sent me different images and when I combined them, I realized that I was associating the sweatshirt he was wearing. Gray, colorless, looking dirty and far too large for him.

Sometimes fate seems like a fun thing. I met Minhyung everywhere I went. Near the estate, right next to the house, in the store and now I even had to go to work with him. I felt that Lee would be my undoing. The person who will drive me into trouble and instead of pulling me out, will push me into a deeper pit.

Because destiny is not always a positive phenomenon. 

In my case it only caused trouble.

♥

**[minhyung]**

"If we met in a different, better life, we would be a really successful couple," said Izzy. "I wish it had happened."

"You only say that because you quarreled with Marco," I murmured indistinctly, following teleshopping bluntly.

"No," she denied. "I really love him, although he is such a motherfucker that any other would have hung him by the balls in the vestibule long ago. I just think about us and come to the conclusion that we would live great if the world didn't hurt us so much."

"And here I have to agree with you," I sighed. "Things would be simpler if we were fifteen years old and we'd find ourselves happy and create a good family. But that didn't happen," I said, wondering who the fuck was going to buy this microfibre dust pad when in supermarkets they're selling mops for floors for one tenth of this cosmic price. "But now we have twenty-two, you are a loyal whore of your master and I am a fucked up faggot you have occasional sex with. It sounds like a lost life to me," I yawned, really considering buying a tub that treats eczema. You can never be sure of anything in life. Maybe such a technological miracle would be useful to me in life.

There was a long silence between us. I had no idea if it was because the program in which they sell mowers on the remote control turned out to be a better sleeper than the adaptation of the _The Shining_ or because of breaking the fourth in the morning a few moments ago. In any case, we felt good about it. It was really great even though I didn't think much. After a sleepless night, the brain didn't seem to work at full capacity. I was just glad that during my stay at the juvie, parents changed this awful sofa in the living room for a little ripper who didn't bruise with springs.

I kept hand on Isabelle's thigh, that lay comfortably on the pillow next to me. I was looking for a thought that concerned her and which she had to learn but I couldn't remember what I wanted from girl. I looked away from her bruised hands, which revealed the sleeves of my sweatshirt pulled up.

Marco really was a fucker sometimes. I promised myself that I'd really hit him one day and so damn hard.... If this is his woman, he should take care of her, give her the best and not send as a punishment to some sadist client to do him good. Just thinking about it made me puke. It was unthinkable for me, as her friend, to give much more myself than the guy she has been in a relationship with for seven years. Although calling this _relationship_ as well as its quality were quite flawed construction. Marco made Isabelle his life partner but he still treated her like a simple prostitute, which he bought from her parents at the market for poor money. If I had a guy now, I'd sooner kill than let any other guy touch him except me. Although, according to Izzy, my reasoning was not entirely healthy, for me, entering into a relationship indirectly meant signing the act of ownership. There was no question of sharing or lending your partner to another person.

"Markie..." she murmured sleepily.

"Hm?" I replied closing eyelids.

"Do you remember how we smoothed headteacher's car with cow's shit in ninth grade?" she asked without much emotion. I grunted in the affirmative because I didn't even want to open my mouth anymore. "I wonder if she bought microfibre pads at the time to clean it."

"Go to sleep because you're already talking nonsense" I laughed, being myself on the border of my own unconsciousness.

After all, I thought that these were really good times.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Luke is a boy from therapeutic center with whom Mark was in some kind of relation. It will be explained later in few really short chapters.
> 
> If anything else needs clarification, feel free to ask :)


	5. Death and darkness

**[june 2019]**

**[donghyuck]**

When I explained to Jeno that they plucked me because of my absence and I wouldn't go to school anymore, there was a long silence between us. We sat in the boy's room and looked into space, as if this information suddenly began to mean that we have nothing to say to each other. Our contact has declined slightly since Minhyung's return home. Jeno didn't invite me anymore and today was a total exception, which I insisted on. The younger brother preferred not to have any contact with me. Somehow, his behavior tells me that what I read in Minhyung's file may not have been as far from the truth as I assumed. He insulated me because I knew his great secret. I learned something that he hid so carefully that he actually created a completely different picture of himself in surroundings. And I threatened maintenance this self-image.

"Again, Hyuck?" he asked, as if tired of this information. In fact, he was probably glad that we spent the last year in separate classes. Due to the fact that I went to school very rarely, I wasn't so dangerous - I had no friends, I didn't have anyone to tell that someone like Lee Jeno had a secret brother, whom he killed in the record of his biography, then erased him both from his history and social narrative.

"It just sort of came out," I said simply, actually noticing the pluses of the whole situation. Maintaining relationships was tiring because it required time I didn't have and commitment to which I also lacked strength.

"You should quit this music," he told me in the tone of a parent who wants a prospective profession for his child. "It won't give anything to you, just making trouble as you can see."

"I know, you're right," I nodded dully, slightly dispassionately. "Yes, I'll have to do that" I sighed heavily, thinking that I had no time for music for a long time. However, Jeno couldn't know about it.

"What now?" he finally asked and this time it was sincere interest. _Let me know it...,_ I thought.

"I'm like two years behind now," I only announced, realizing the enormity of time I had fucked up. This year I would have finished school if everything went by its usual mode of education. Meanwhile, I felt like a recidivist from a pathological family who was too stupid to finish high school. A little hurting experience, after all.

"I thought that next year we would take the exam together and go to college also together..." he sighed heavily. "It will be sad to end this year now without you and start a new one without you as well," he added, when I didn't comment on his thoughts. _Did I see myself in college?_ An eternal question to which the answer has always been different. I definitely wanted to know what it's like to be a student. To experience this magical time when you move out of the house in the hugs of the whole family and go to another city to sit in a dormitory with friends of similar interests in the following years. At least that was what it looked like in the movies and I found myself wanting to believe that this is also reality. "I'll leave you all my notes before going to college," the boy said, unknowingly sticking another pin to my already sore heart.

"Thank you, Jeno" I smiled faintly, though my gratitude was real.

"What a linden," he murmured dissatisfiedly, throwing himself on the bed. "I was hoping that we would go to college together" he said once more, as if thanks to it such request could've become real.

"Me too" I lied, or is it? I lay down next to a friend and began to look at the ceiling of his room.

I thought back to the music. It used to be a huge part of my heart, it filled every gap in my free time. Now, in my free time, in truth I played the piano in a school music circle and sang sometimes. But I didn't play in bars or at concerts anymore and I missed that kind of life on tour.

Living apart from the normal passage of time.

Carefree life among people whom I loved as brothers.

Living without a permanent home.

Constantly on the move.

Constantly running away from real problems.

♥

**[minhyung]**

I was glad that the building didn't change much. I could breathe again as if I was in the right place. Seemingly what is bad gives me the greatest sense of belonging to this world. Everything has changed: family, school, environment, friends. Only work was still in the same place as before. My little hell in the middle of town.

I could walk down the same corridor.

Eat and drink in the same kitchen.

Find Steven in the same basement.

Talk to Marco in the same office.

How could I turn away from the place that seemed to be the only shelter for me and my lost soul. Here lay the future of my lack of future. Paradoxically but incredibly true. There was no life in my house because everything I missed was here. I was even happy when I saw Vernon outside the audition room and he hates me so much. Weren't those all positive signs?

"Marco inside?" I asked with a faint smile. Until I came back here permanently, showing joy was fine. After all, that's how I heard it at the juvie every day. Over time, old habits will come back and I won't be so nice anymore. I advised the security guard to appreciate it while he had the opportunity. Then I could never smile at him again.

"Not at all, I just like to stand here. It relaxes me," he replied without even looking at me. _Little bastard_ , I thought, although the Negro was a good two meters tall. Once I lived the dream of kicking his ass for this unreasonable hostility but I soon became convinced that this desire could not be realised. Karma will come back. Although, to be honest, I probably didn't want mine to get me.

"Good to know," I muttered under breath with hand on the door handle.

When I wanted to open the door, it jumped back and a boy came out of the room. He passed me quickly to disappear around the corner with a large bag in hand. He left behind a familiar smell and the impression that I really won't know anyone here anymore. I was hoping that after house-cleaning shake-up I wouldn't feel like a recluse because school times were not happy for me in this respect. There are times in your life that you don't want to experience a second time. I had more moments like that then every man in the street.

I entered the room in the dim light. Marco watched the interrogation intently, as if a very important game was taking place behind the glass. Perez only watched the key conversations, so I didn't disturb him with greeting. I just stood next to the man and looked curiously.

As usual, Steve played with the victim in a way that I never practiced and I didn't intend to practice. The disgust was taking me at the very thought that I would cut someone or touch anything on else's body. He, in turn, loved it. He liked to soak up the screams filled with pain, the desperate pleadings and felt extreme disappointment when he came across weak individuals who politely answered his questions. I can say for sure about Steve that he is a real psychopath. His sadistic tendencies sometimes surpass my imagination. At the same time, as a friend, privately, he is a brilliant person. It's like a split personality. Pretty interesting.

Marco didn't listen, just watched as if the words were not important to him at all. He was analyzing something in head, being on the ground only with body. His spirit was calculating what he would do if the interrogation would do nothing. He looked thoughtful, desperate, from which I concluded that the situation with Carl was much more serious than I initially assumed.

"Do you know a boy who came out of here?" he asked suddenly, without taking his eyes off the bloody man behind the glass.

"No," I answered without hesitation. "Should I?" I was surprised.

"If he's been watching you for two weeks, then at least you should have that impression, don't you think?" he replied in a voice out of emotion, making the question an obvious statement. I winced slightly, cursing in my mind. I didn't think he would want to check me out. I got out of habit of constant monitoring the area. I didn't check if anyone was following me, if I saw new faces or if I saw something suspicious in ordinary life. I fell into Perez's trap and had to admit it.

"Fuck" came out loud.

"Indeed, _fuck_ ," he replied, stepping from foot to foot. He went to the wall and pressed the microphone button. There was a sound on the border between the scream and the sob. "And?" asked.

"Claims he knows nothing," Steve sighed.

"Finish it with him, don't waste time," Marco ordered, then turned off the equipment, so the sound of a gun shot could only be imagined. It's a pity, because I'd love to hear this familiar and nice melody. Perez started going toward the door and I followed him. "Tell the boys to clean bodies," he said Vernon over shoulder. "Don't worry about the tail," he alluded to our earlier conversation as we walked down the hall. "This young boy is my ace in the hole, although I prefer to reassure him that he is hopeless. It's safer that way," he sighed, twisting the signet ring on finger. He was still wandering about completely different areas than the space between us. "It's like with dogs. Faithful to the end, even if you beat them every day. Just stroke it once in a while and wach it die at your leg when you command so..." he whispered, turning sharply around the corner towards his office. "He's not like that at all... And it worries me a little... But I think I'll take a chance and give it a play. I don't have much to lose anyway."

"Why do you waste him watching me?" I asked, honestly surprised.

"I test him, I test you, I test Isabelle."

"Are you testing me?" I flinched at his words. "You should be ashamed of admitting it in such a light way."

"It's mainly about you working with him in the future, Mark," he said, ignoring my indignant tone. "Now I will send him to Steven because he's a real genius in espionage, as you have seen. But also has serious shortcomings. He won't kill another man."

"Does it make any sense to force him to do it then? If he's so young, you will only destroy the boy," I suggested because I knew from my own experience what harm could be done by a similar behavior.

"Answer me yourself," he provoked, opening the door to his office. "Does it make sense to force him?"

♥

**[donghyuck]**

_Lee Minhyung._

_Mark Lee_

Two different people in one body.

I rubbed tired eyes with the back of hand, wondering why I was still traipse behind him. Minhyung didn't really do anything fascinating in life. The most exciting thing was maneuvering at work in such a way that we wouldn't accidentally run into each other, which sometimes failed but apparently he was too ignorant to notice my existence. However, there were almost no such days during the last month because the boy rarely appeared in the company. He mainly went for walks around the city, shopping with mother or he met with Isabelle. From all this observation a picture emerges of... of a man boring to the point of perfection. He didn't beat anyone, he didn't smuggle anything, he didn't do anything extraordinary. He functioned like any normal human being.

_Pianos become the teeth_ was a band to which I didn't die of love at firt sight although my ex-boyfriend loved them. I promised myself that at least I would try to convince myself to their music because of him. Finally in 2014 their album _Keep you_ came out. I didn' know it then because we just started seeing with Seth but some time after we officially became a couple, I came across this music quite naturally. Now it came back to me. I sat on the porch, smoking a cigarette on a cloudy day and wondered how much I fucked up my life and how much I miss what was three years ago.

How much I miss running away.

I got up slowly from the uncomfortable veranda panels, casually sending a cigarette in the flowerbeds by the stairs. I had to reckon with the fact that when my mother finds out, she won't be happy. However, that wasn't what worried me the most. Well, turning to the door, I glanced toward Lee's house - out of curiosity and pure habit.

When my eyes crossed with Minhyung's, they slightly paralyzed me. I couldn't be 100% sure that he didn't know I was following him. Maybe he was just pretending to be unconscious. Maybe he was just waiting for the right moment to catch me and finish me off. I could never know.

The boy leaned his arm on the beam of the veranda and watched me with vigilant eyes, exhaled gray smoke from mouth. I didn't know how he did it because we didn't know each other personally, but he made my heart in a strange kind of tremor. And even if I really wanted to, I couldn't say that this tremor has only a negative aspect. 

And Minhyung wasn't an angel. 

If what I had heard about him during the training in the lower basement was true in at least one-third, then I had the right to fear for my life. However, I felt no fear. I felt the kind of danger that excited me. Somehow, Minhyung himself excited me. His mystery, his inaccessibility. 

Therefore, it was only when he looked down at his feet, treading dog-end on the pebbles in the driveway, that I allowed myself to catch breath. 

The boy entered the apartment calmly, not looking at my side even once. Although I still felt his gaze on me anyway.

_And what are we without that end?_

_Without that death and darkness?_

These two basic questions were put before me by the end of the song _Repine_ , which still resounded in my headphones. I identify with these words very much. Because apparently I couldn't define myself by anything else.

Only by death and darkness.


	6. In the light of the flame

**[late june 2019]**

**[donghyuck]**  
  


"Two cheap beers, please," I said quietly because the party was really the last thing I wanted to do now. Fatigue gave me a hard time and all I wanted was a warm bed.

"And the ID is?" the saleswoman asked, eyeing me vigilantly.

"No," I replied without thinking. She didn't answer me, just took the money, looking wry. I knew she would do so. Takings have dropped quite significantly since the mall was opened nearby.

I walked forward sourly. Friends can be really tiring. Normally, I would refuse but for the past year they have been touring the coast and don't often run into old rubbish. Added to this is the constant same old story of your friends in style _you won't drink with us? Come on man. We'll see you in a month._ Therefore, with a huge heartache, I took an hour by bus to the beach, where they were supposed to perform at the festival opening the summer. It was quite sad because I didn't even know about such an event. I was nineteen and I only on the work-home route. I had absolutely no knowledge about the cultural events that were happening in my city, although I was once up to date with all of them.

Before leaving for a larger world, I only made sure that Marco wouldn't call me unexpectedly. I gave him an oral report about what I am currently doing and said that I wouldn't be on the phone that evening and whether this was a problem. The boss just murmured that I don't have to come by the end of the week because it will be crowded here and then he plans to change my position. Did I ask for what kind? Not at all. I would be scared and daren't asking. If Marco decided it, it was clearly right. Even if this idea turned out to be the failure of the century, I still had to vote it a success. 

That's how a life of unfaithful dog looks like.

I came into the sand in shoes because I never liked to have it between my toes. Besides, events at this place can never be trusted. You enter here fully dressed, you wake up in your pants and socks somewhere near the shore. To all this I was adding dog shit, beer caps and other things of this world that people could never clean after themselves.

"Hm?" I picked up the phone.

"Where are you?" asked Sam. "We can't wait for you."

"At the fourth descent, what about you?" I asked, looking around.

"Well, same" he said in surprise. "Why can't I see you?" he said.

"I have no idea. I raise my hand with beer," announced, waving hand lightly as said. I almost had to scream because I came out just near the makeshift stage and I was effectively drowned out by someone's reharsal. "Hello" I sighed. "Can you see me or not?"

I looked at the display but Sam hung up. It upset me a bit at first but noticed it wasn't his fault. As approached the water,the signal was lost. I headed towards the stage because if they were to perform around midnight, they should be circling somewhere in these areas. And as usual, my intuition didn't disappoint me. I honestly smiled to myself for the first time in a long time. I realized how much I missed this band of infinite kids who were always surrounded by chaos on the stage. Sam rushed Kevin with gestures to connect the microphone faster and he, as usual, was making his sleeppy movements with the same boredom having deep in the ass Sam's choleric state of mind.

"Check, check," the vocalist murmured, attracting the attention of a few people who were hanging around. "Attention please," he said firmly. I watched him fascinated from the side because he still didn't have such confidence in dealing with others just as he used to. Few years of performing changed nothing. "I lost a child on the beach," he announced and I rolled eyes at this world-old number.

"No way" I shook head and started walking slowly towards the stage.

"Such a little shit who reacts when you call him _Lee,_ " he continued. "Hyuckie, if you hear that, know mommy is very worried." I whistled loudly, attracting their attention. "Sorry for the trouble, the loss was quickly found" Sam laughed, waving hand at me vigorously. He jumped down on the sand from the platform, quickly running towards me. Although at first I really wanted to hit him with a beer on the head for this old, embarrassing trick, I couldn't resist his charm. I allowed him to give me a big hug, as if this way the whole month of separation would be erased from our memory. "Good to see you," he whispered in my ear. I patted him gently with an empty palm on back but he wasn't the only one, so I was glad we were interrupted.

"One, two, three, the possessive boyfriend is watching," Kevin said into the microphone, making people laugh on the towels beneath the stage. Seeing their sweatshirts, I realized that it wasn't as warm as I assumed. The wind always blew harder by the ocean. I freed myself from Sam's embrace and ran to the steps, leaving him behind. "First you touch him and then you expose to cold?" asked the possessive boyfriend with a smile, shaking hand in greeting.

"I'm such a cold bastard," I joked, patting him friendly in the ass. "Whats up!" I shouted to Seth, who stood at the other end of the stage and waited politely for his turn. I was hoping that our relationship wouldn't be strange because of what was between us before their departure. We both came to the conclusion that this relationship had no future but we also both knew that feelings do not pass as if a magic wand was tapped.

"I will lie, if I say that my heart just didn't beat harder when I saw you, Hyuckie," he said, hugging me without thinking. I gripped his sweatshirt material tightly.

"And vice versa," I agreed, delighting in inhaling the intense scent of his body. I was glad that he still used the same shampoo and shower gel. 

Just like that. 

Simply.  
  


♥

**[minhyung]**

"You know you shouldn't drink while on medication?" Izzy asked, looking at me doubtfully.

"I know," replied with conviction.

"So what are we going there for? You can wait two weeks," she said. "You will move out and you will be able to get drunk to death at will."

"Stop moaning" I was pissed off. "I won't drink a lot. A beer or two."

"I'm holding your word, Mark. Otherwise I'll leave you here alone and I'll have a crap if you drown or fall asleep on the sand under the bushes."

I begged her to finally shut up. Every time we went out, she would take the role of mother or overprotective girlfriend. I wanted to strangle her, load her into a sack and throw into a swamp. I wanted to offer her to live with me when I move out but I began to seriously question it in my thoughts. Just when I found out that Marco is telling her to live still where he keeps the rest of sluts for bussiness parters, I felt sick. He is my best friend but I had to admit that he's a cold fucker without feelings. I wondered if there was such a thing as love in his dictionary.

"I have a question to you" I started when she was silent for a long moment and we reached the water and land line in peace. The festival scene was still quite a bit from us.

"What?" she asked, grabbing my arm.

"I would like you to live with me when I move out," I said straight from the shoulder. "Sitting all alone in this huge flat scares me a little."

"You know it's not that simple, right? Marco may disagree."

"Don't worry about it," I waved hand as if her fears were least important. "I'm only interested if you want it. I'll take care of the rest."

"Sure I do," she smiled brightly. "I have a nice room with the girls but it's not nice in the whole building," she shrugged. "There is always someone coming, you know it yourself. You can't sleep normally."

"Why hasn't he rented you anything yet?" I asked, wincing at the thought of these young girls who are being abused by gross, porky slobs.

"He promises all the time that he will eliminate the brothel at all but there must be buyers for girls," she said lightly, as if such a phenomenon was quite normal and not a social pathology. "After all, we are supposed to live together but I truly doubt it. Marco is a master of empty words in my case."

"How can you love him at all?" I asked in disgust. Perez didn't sleep with her only. He called Isabelle his girlfriend and, of course, she had the greatest favor with him but she wasn't the only one he shared the bed with.

"Love is a twisted thing," she laughed. "I want to prove to him that there is something good in this world. Change this cold look into something warm."

"All women are the same," I sighed. "Everyone wants to change a man and everyone thinks she will succeed."

"And all men are ignorant who would like to pickle the cucumber at will without consequences and obligations," she snapped. "What hypocrisy," she said, then walked resolutely. I laughed without even intending to chase her. When she was offended, no words could reason her. 

That was Izzy and that is why I liked her.  
  


♥

**[donghyuck]**  
  


"How long have you stayed here?" I asked Seth.

"We bounce tomorrow evening," he muttered reluctantly.

We departed a bit from the stage to breathe from the hustle and bustle that took place on the stage. The typical lack of organization was something pleasant for me. It was a proof that nothing had changed. Everything was as it used to be.

I shared my beer with boy and was forever grateful that he took one, so I didn't have to bother with two, and always throwing something away is a pity. I really didn't feel like partying. I planned to sit with the boys only for a while and return home by night bus.

"Is life somehow going on?" he asked. "New love on the horizon?"

"I'm not that fast" I smiled honestly at him. "I don't have time for anything, I still work," I confessed. "And what about you?"

"The invariably monotony of life on the road," he sighed. "I'm getting a little bored of it, you know? I think I would like to rest and return to New York for good."

"Are you planning to leave the band?" I was worried. "They wouldn't forgive you this."

"Come on" shook his head, taking a few sips from the bottle. "I would behave like a pig. I just... have been fighting with similar thoughts for a long time and I simply had to complain to someone," he said, closing eyes as the wind blew harder.

"And you feel lighter?" I asked, nudging him.

"Talking with you always helped me," he confessed, making it strange again.

"I thought we wouldn't feel uncomfortable with each other," I suddenly said, surprising myself with similar honesty.

"Me too," he sighed in resignation. "But I think we both knew subconsciously that such an atmosphere could not be avoided."

"How is it that we can't be together and nothing ever works out when we're separated?" I thought aloud.

"I don't know, Hyuck," he said quietly. "We're just fucked up."

♥

**[minhyung]**  
  


I sat with Isabelle near the stage on moist sand. The cold began to bite. After all, none of us said anything about it. We just listened to the music of the bands, which we probably both saw for the first time and slowly sipped beer from the beach bar. As promised, I drank only one and not even to the last. I simply felt that strong drugs should not be combined with such low-percentage alcohol. It soon began to dim me, as if it was at least half a vodka.

"I'm going to pee," I told Izzy, which she only accepted with a slight nod.

"I can't walk you because they play great," she murmured, which probably meant that she considered me already tipsy. I was pissed because it meant she was right about combining psychotropes with beer.

"I still know how to hold my dick" I bit her back, standing up hurriedly so as not to give her further reasons for satisfaction.

"If you think so," she shrugged, which meant she was still offended and our intention about a nice outing to the party turned into a quarrel with quiet days.

I rolled eyes. That's why I could never fall in love with a woman. There are only problems with them. You say something that she understands so providently and you can have a week off your head. She'll make you guess what you did wrong instead of saying it straight. Standing over you, she sighs a few times, and then itoccurs that you never understand anything, to finally slam the door, extending everything for another week. Meanwhile, you didn't even say a word! The essence of a woman is an endless series of misunderstandings and contradictions.

I went to relieve the farthest bushes that my bladder could afford. I didn't plan to come back too soon, so as not to have to pretend that I didn't hear those previously mentioned sighs with grievances. Isabelle was great in bed but when her period approached, I dreamed of going to Los Angeles to be as far away from her as possible. It slipped out once during the some casual conversation and I wasn't going to repeat it again.

Suddenly, an unspeakable desire for a cigarette came over me. I searched pockets quickly to find a packet but to find out that I had lost lighter. I cursed under breath, dropping head to chest. _A chapter of accidents,_ I thought bitterly. The thought of returning to the cold sand near the Glacier Isabelle made me feel weak. I fumbled pockets in a false hope for the usual malice of fate and discovered its ultimacy.

I was about to return like a convict to a concentration camp after working behind a fence when I saw a guy on the beach. I almost cried when I saw the outline of smoke in the air and the smoldering heat of his dog-end. The guy wasn't only my last resort to satisfy his urgent addiction but also the perfect excuse to talk and not go back to Izzy.

I walked towards him with such a light chest as never before in my life. I literally felt no weight. Pure relaxation. I could even say that I was born again. I took a deep breath, drawing in the ocean air. That was the smell of freedom.

But as I approached, my liberation smile thinned. I recognized in the stature of a stranger more familiar shapes that amazed me. I began to think that after these drugs it could really start bouncing back. The tablets themselves were supposed to prevent depression and emotional stiffness or mental rigidity but when taken with alcohol, they probably gave effect of hallucinations and state at the edge of shizophrenia.

"Luke?" I asked incredulously, standing next to him. I staggered a little because I couldn't believe my eyes. Or so I explained the fact of being ripped to the tits. The boy looked at me, however, not as he usually did. He frowned as if didn't recognize or understand me.

"No, I'm Donghyuck, as if you have already forgotten," he replied with a gentle mocking smile. "If you're looking for someone, no one has been walking this way for an hour."

I looked at him but the words he spoke came to me as if through the water - indistinct and distorted. I was thinking about it. Did I really have to bump into this boy all the time? He constantly reminded me of what I didn't want to remember. He kept me in the past that I wanted to send into nothingness. He didn't let me start a new life. Another argument that was in favor of moving.

"You got a light?" I asked absently because I felt a little silly. Suddenly I felt that I'd rather go back to Izzy. However, the maliciousness of the universe was definitely stronger than the echo of the past.

"Sure," he replied, throwing me a lighter that I didn't catch. I cursed under breath, which made gray-haired laugh. When the boy blindfolded got the lost item, he got up and approached me, shoving a fire under my cigarette. I took a deep breath, glancing at Donghyuck, which was a fundamental mistake. The whole moment lasted literally a second, but I felt that I was drowning. I literally failed by getting lost in his eyes. They have become a symbol of undoing for me right now. I injured myself and kid at my own wish. I saw in him what I wanted to see.

"What is it?" I asked, pointing to the music going from his phone.

"Manchester Orchestra" replied calmly.

"I don't know but I generally don't know what's going on now on the radio," I confessed to being backward. That was the truth. Hyuck laughed. I looked down at him, breathing smoke.

"Me neither, it's niche music," he said cheerfully, as if I was amusing him somehow with myself. "I cut myself off from world information because they're confusing my head," he whispered finally, looking thoughtfully ahead - into the vast ocean. I smiled under breath, looking away in the same direction. Water always calmed me down. A gentle hum prompted deep reflection on the essence and meaning of life.

"You cut yourself off and I got cut off," I added after a moment of silence spent in common reflection. "Funny."

"Well, the balance is kept," he said with a quiet sigh. "It turns out that we know as much about the modern world, although for slightly different reasons..."

"Can I join?" I asked before I could bite my own tongue.

"Why not" he shrugged, pressing something on the phone that turned the music down. "I've never talked to a madman," he joked and I involuntarily smiled. 

The veil of illusion didn't allow me to think logically. 

It allowed only half-truth to consciousness.

"Don't believe everything Jeno tells you," I said with a sigh. I couldn't resist the impression that the young had already given me such an opinion in the area that I wouldn't find a job anywhere if I decided to look for it at all.

"Actually, I'm taking a correction for what he says" kid shook his head, breathing a puff of smoke. I looked at him curiously." Everyone must find their own truth. Your brother tends to overdo it. "

I didn't answer him. I preferred to look at Donghyuck in silence. The boy had something magnetic. The way he smiled attracted my attention. Yes, he was similar to Luke. I could not deny this fact. However, I came to the conclusion that they aren't identical because their characters were radically different. The appearance was also not twin, which made me realize that their similarity is simply a play of light and shadow.

Or something that I really wanted to believe.

Hyuck didn't look like he could be hurt easily. It seemed to me that he was incredibly distant from the world because he had seen more than one evil in his life. In addition, he had a clear weakness for drugs and I noticed single tattoos on his hands.

Luke was his definite opposite. 

I would never forgive myself if he had done any harm to him. He instilled in me the instincts of a guardian. Brunet was totally fucked in the head in all respects and I doubted that there would be a person in the center whose stay would be more justified than his. Still, I have never met such a delicate and innocent being. I swear that his double personality had a charm that I couldn't resist.

However, I was on the beach with Donghyuck now. Donghyuck similar to Luke. Luke, who belonged to the past, however... I had no idea if I was objective and I found my brother's friend attractive because he is himself or because he reminds me of someone completely different. I really wanted to put all my hope on this first option because I was going to do something really stupid and reckless. I could never wait or work on somebody. I always acted immediately, taking what I wanted.

"All in all, you can't know one hundred percent if I don't have something of a fucker," I ventured.

"Well, they didn't shut you up for no reason," he said, putting a cigarette in the sand. He wiped hand on pants, searching for something in pocket. "I would love to keep you company but my friends are waiting for me, so catch" he held out his hand with a lighter. I took it without a word, watching the boy closely. "I have a second one and walking alone in this area is probably not..." he didn't finish because I didn't let him. I pressed hard on the lips of silver-haired, relying on the remnants of spontaneity that I had within me. I didn't even expect to get any response from him, so I was prepared when he pushed me away. He didn't do it violently, as I suspected. I also didn't get slapped and he didn't run away in a panic and with a scream on his lips that he would report me to the police for sexual assault. "What are you actually doing?" he asked in surprise. I thought he would be very pissed but he was just shocked, as if a similar situation wasn't the first in his life. At first, I didn't know what to say to him because I just didn't take into account such a situation. Donghyuck, however, didn't run away and let me look into his familiar-unfamiliar eyes, which gave me confidence.

"I want to fuck you," I said straight from the shoulder, immediately reducing the distance between our lips. This time I didn't encounter the slightest resistance, so I allowed myself to take complete control over it.

_Living permanently in the past, you hardly exist for the present. You are a dead man, Minhyung._

I heard that once.

And I didn't want to be dead anymore.

Somewhere deep in my heart I wanted to live.

I haven't really kissed any guy for a long time, that's why I found our accidental meeting on the beach a very nice coincidence. Isabelle's lips were pleasant but the very awareness of their femininity no longer affected me so much. In turn, this time I knew that Donghyuck was under me and such an opportunity probably won't happen again, so I intended to use it to the very end.

I forced him to part his lips so that I could taste him more. The boy nimbly connected our tongues, making me aware that he was definitely not an amateur. This vision turned out to be even more exciting. I gently ran my fingers through Hyuck's hair, wandering with other hand to the belt of his pants. When I slid them halfway together with the boxers, I parted our lips, knocking him violently over his stomach. The boy cursed severely but didn't protest. We both breathed hard and fast, as if the vision of beach sex in itself was incredibly exciting. At first glance, it all seemed really abnormal because we saw each other only twice and the third meeting ends in the proverbial bed but I didn't see it that way. Life creates moments and I would be a fool if I did not appreciate it.

When I entered him, I didn't do it quickly. I wanted to remember this moment well because of the experiences that accompanied me. It was an ideal position and composition of two bodies. I never deluded myself that Izzy could at least in half replace a moment of fulfillment in a man. She was a substitute for me because I had no habit of fucking strangers randomly. This time it was really an exception.

I leaned over Hyuck, noting that his height is perfectly suited to me because I could easily support myself with one hand on the sand and hold the other firmly on the boy's hip. I made a few slow but strong thrusts, getting the first sounds from the silver-haired's lips. I smiled to myself, accelerating. I put lips to Donghyuck's neck and closed eyes. I wanted to find the perfect rhythm, which wasn't that difficult. Younger quickly adapted to me, coming out ahead of my expectations. I jumped him quickly, not wanting to come straight away, also after the brutal stages, I was slowing down, concentrating on our moaning. I entered him slowly then, reaching the very end and repeated it several times, clenching jaw with my nose in his hair. Donghyuck smelled really nice. I felt that I would remember the scent of cherry with apple aroma for a long time. I couldn't get over the admiration that he really excited me and it was a completely different kind of experience than the one I had experienced many times before. He aroused the beast in me, giving the desire to just fuck him and not think about anything else. He activated those layers of primal instincts in my soul that I was aware of but of which I thought as elements repressed to the unconscious.

It was the right time to end today's fun. I entered the boy with all my strength and began to move in him as fast as I could, thus getting his scream to the range of sounds from today. For a moment, an animal just woke up in me, which didn't leave me until the climaxing. I slipped into Donghyuck until the very end, fingers tight on his forearm. I tautened for a few seconds in one position until all the tension was gone. I breathed deeply, resting forehead on the back of the Hyuck who hugged his face against the cold sand. After a while, I rolled into a place next to him, pulling pants up with one hand.

I looked at the sky and once again its realism hit me. The realities of the stars above were breathtaking, making me forget about God's world for a while. I wanted to sink into this depth of dark blue with many bright spots. I wanted to fly high to join the strange constellation and create a new unity with it. I focused on the sky so much that I didn't even notice when Hyuck had vanished from where he had just been lying.

I sat up quickly, frowning in surprise. In the distance I saw the silhouette of a boy walking towards the stage. After all I wasn't going to thank him for sex or ask when the replay but I felt offended because it wasn't in my style - to be left when I was the one who always do it. 

I just experienced a new kind of feeling today and I didn't like the fact that it was all because of this boy.


	7. Start of the game

**[late june 2019]**

**[donghyuck]**

I wanted a man like Lee Minhyung to die at that moment and disappear from my memory, never even getting a chance to stand on the path I was following. I felt like a whore who got banged by the first man witchever I met on the street. To boot - completely for free. I was shivering at the thought of what had just happened and a strong urge to sink deep into the ground arose within me. The most hurtful thing me was the fact that sex with black-haired boy really pleased me. The feeling of body dirt was therefore even stronger.

I've known him really well these past few weeks. I became acquainted with his every move, being able to immediately say whether it is routine or whether it is worth saving it as a new one. By force of habit, if you get to know someone well, you begin to have feelings for them. Even a stone in the garden, which stands in the same place for several years, becomes strangely close to you, so that if someone stole it, you would feel empty.

When you don't like this person's behavior, you start to lose sympathy for him.

When the person's words piss you off, he starts to irritate you.

When you consider that person's gestures tolerable, your attitude towards him becomes neutral.

When this person does something that impresses you, you discover that you like him.

I know a lot about Minhyug but I still had the impression that I didn't fully work his personality out. According to Marco's file, Lee has often killed, tortured and toyed with other people's life. He treated interrogations as a cheap form of entertainment, which allows him to de-stress or calm down. The psychological profile of such a man is rather not included in the category of a nice gentleman from the neighborhood, who, with a smile, walks the dog and pruns the roses in front of the house. It made me wonder what I was doing wrong, that I haven't noticed it yet. The boy didn't look like a killer. He may have acted in a fussy manner, smoked, drank, didn't open the door to a supermarket for elderly ladies but I'd never sign his profile as a killer in my life.

I didn't keep what I felt because I didn't notice the moment when it happened.

I didn't notice when finding Minhyung attractive just grown on me.

I didn't like this vision at all. I didn't have a life where I could find a place for love. Nothing like that had been born in me yet but I knew that if I still had to watch the black-haired, it could become the worst. After the beach incident, I was even more likely to fall. Somehow I had to stop this whole process and I didn't even count on help from the object of interest. He probably had it all too deeply in his egoistic ass because his ignorance I fortunately noticed in the first place.

I went behind the stage where the guys carried the amplifiers to the trailer and put all the equipment away. I literally wanted to cry. I didn't want to feel this pleasure. I wanted to hate Minhyung, forget that I gave in to him without putting up much resistance.

"Hey, Hyuck" I felt someone grab my elbow. "Where have you been?" Seth asked with a sincerely worried expression. I looked at him thoroughly, wanting to absorb his composure and care. "You disappeared so suddenly, which looked like you went home without saying goodbye."

"I'm sorry," I whispered, not taking my eyes off him. The boy was something so wonderfully familiar to me that I couldn't resist the temptation and just snuggled into him tightly. Seth didn't wait long, closing me quickly in a warm embrace. I missed him terribly because he used to be always with me when I needed him. Despite everything, I felt bad with my own thoughts, because it didn't concern him. 

It was all many meters behind me. 

Somewhere on the cool ocean shore.

"Something happened?" he asked quietly so that only I could hear it. He didn't want to worry others. As always, he thought about everyone but himself. I have eternally admired this altruism in him but often didn't completely understand it. Man's goal is survival, that's why egoism was a natural reflex for me.

"Nothing" I lied, closing eyes. "Why do you ask?"

"Because you are shaking, honey," he sighed heavily. We both knew that I was lying but Seth was always silent. As usual.

I've always wondered how many times he wanted to tell me something and he kept it to himself.

How many times did he feel that I was't telling him the truth and he didn't say a word.

How many times did he want to start arguing and refrain.

How many times he wanted to break my head in irritation and didn't even raise his hand.

The musician is definitely the dream boyfriend of many girls. Guys certainly as well. Only I'm ungrateful enough to not appreciate it. I could see now that I never really deserved him. The help he always offered caused eternal remorse in me. I lived with the feeling that I couldn't repay him. That I still take something and never give anything in return. It was exhausting me. That's why our relationship was written-off. Now, however, I derived warmth from him once again, looking for consolation after another guy. 

I really felt like shit. 

Complete trash. 

And I couldn't help it.

I was one of those female book characters who ignore prosperity and peace. They get forever in trouble and at the end of the novel they choose the second one they cried the most for. The tendency of similar stories always amused me but at the same time through the veil of this ridicule, I noticed a certain dose of its truthfulness. 

The so-called paradox of life.

"You said you were leaving tomorrow evening?" I asked in a weak voice after some time of silence.

"Yeah," he replied quietly, placing chin on my head. I was curious again what he was thinking and, as usual, I didn't have access to it. The boy never wanted to share it with anyone. Maybe it's better or maybe worse. It's hard to assess.

"I can spend the night with you, right?" whispered. I really didn't want to be alone today. In an empty room I would be on my own and this is definitely the last thing I needed now. There is nothing worse than the impenetrable darkness surrounding the whole body and the biting remorse that emerges from it.

"And can you imagine that I could say _no_ to you?" he laughed softly, thus bringing a faint smile to my lips. I've never been as grateful to him as I am now.

♥

**[minhyung]**

The first thing I thought about early in the morning was the song titled _what the fuck you did last night, Lee Minhyung?_. It didn't reach me how I could be so stupid as to force my dick into a kid from the neighborhood. A neighborhood kid who was a friend of my brother - informer. Combo, for fuck's sake.

One thinks that twenty-two years of life is enough time to acquire life experience. I know that when it burns, I don't go into this warm and shiny something but I run away from the fire as far as possible. If you want something very much and it is bad and unattainable - you shouldn't do it because unpleasant consequences may result from such a move.

 _Now you wanted a seventeen-year-old ass, you fucking old coot_ , I thought bitterly. Although Hyuck was probably not the same age as Jeno, he was repeating a year. Doesn't matter.

After all, despite all these objections on my part, brain still evoked Hyuck's eyes in my imagination for a few seconds. Familiar unfamiliar iris because apart from the fact that the history liked to repeat itself in my case, it was quite different. I couldn't pinpoint exactly what had changed.

It just was.

It was different.

This gray-haired boy is not that dark-haired man.

This nineteen-year-old is not the nineteen-year-old from three years ago.

This kid with tattoos is not that kid without tattoos.

This ordinary neighbor is not that extraordinary roommate.

This Donghyuck is not that Luke.

But still...

His eyes still didn't leave me alone.

I saw joy and mockery in them. Such human emotions that I haven't experienced for a long time. And the boy mocked my clumsiness but decided to help, without pointing out it clearly.

Another sign of humanity.

He laughed. And I didn't care that he laughed at me. It was quite pleasant in its own way. To know that someone is enjoyed by your simple being.

The whole of this one conversation with Hyuck made me want to talk to him again. I felt that he was my chance to settle old scores with the past. As if fate would give me one more life in the game. Bonus, thanks to which I can finish the mission and do things that I haven't managed before.

However, I couldn't do it. That would be wrong. I would be fooling myself and him and I would not like to let a similar situation happen once again. I promised myself that I would never hurt anyone one more time.

I won't inflict pain with love.

I won't leave wounds after stupid desire to be better than I am in reality.

I won't lead to someone's death by running away from being a killer.

I had to accept the present.

Get away from the past.

Stop scrambling old wounds.

Let the scabs turn into scars.

Return to the state before going to the center.

Become Mark Lee, which others are afraid of.

Take without permission.

Take by force.

Take.

Regardless of the consequences.

♥

**[donghyuck]**

Marco called me when I was doing important shopping for my mom at the supermarket. I had to leave all the products in the basket in the middle of the alley and run because I knew how the boss doesn't like to wait. I was irritated by the fact that I had to be at every call and at any time to not expose myself to his anger, which leads to sudden death.

Running out of the store, I called my mother to tell her that I got a call from work. She had no other choice but to silently express her understanding by tapping the loudspeaker. I assured her that as soon as I was free I would bring her everything she needed. She knocked twice.

When we decided to use Marco's help, we knew well what the help was about. We couldn't complain because we lived a lot better now but the sense of injustice from the world remained as strong as a year and a half ago. In every dimension there was simply a social ladder with a clear hierarchy. We were at the level of parasites that live thanks to the grace of great lords and thank them for being given the chance to survive in the ecosystem. A bit sad existence but it counted as existence itself. If karma is a real thing, my next incarnation should be living a little better, although I'm not a good person at all. 

I just saw worse people.

Once I even met a real beast.

When I got there, I smiled at Vernon as always, although I could see perfectly well that he wouldn't reciprocate my sympathy. I really respected and liked him. He was faithful to Marco for so many years and I saw that sometimes he is tired of an unhealthy situation and workplace. I felt sorry for him deep in my heart, trying to somehow comfort with at least a nice word. I couldn't afford anything above that because I also had my problems, so I decided long ago that I wouldn't get involved in others plights.

"The boss is waiting," he announced calmly as always, opening the door for me. He meant that Perez was expecting me personally. I swallowed because it didn't happen often. I've been to Marco's office maybe just three times over the past year. We usually dealt with our affairs and orders in a hurry in the field or in the interrogation rooms or via Vernon. The office was for discussing important and serious matters, which is why I was a bit scared. Just because Marco didn't like to look at me because I reminded him of the technical mistakes of the training in the lower basement didn't mean that he hadn't found a way to finally get rid of me without arousing suspicion. He needed me and we both knew it but we were silent as well. We just waited for the development of events and the step of the latter.

I crossed the threshold timidly, trying to hide my nervousness and distraction. I couldn't come over as a giddy person. It would be best for me to learn how to keep cool, keep a poker face and kill others without blinking. However, I have never been like that and I sincerely doubted that I would ever become such a person. I was raised well, despite having a hard childhood, so any act of violence didn't come easily to me. Sometimes, even watching questioning caused me psychological pain. Everyone probably already knew that I completely don't fit this place because I was fit for nothing. The reason why the boss was still keeping me here was different from murder. I was kept here for the sole reason that couldn't come out between the walls of this office.

"Checking in," I said without the greeting that usually seems to be offered to your employer. Well, it certainly wasn't an ordinary job, I also didn't expect conditions at least comparable to those prevailing in an ordinary company.

"As usual, on time," he said with a slight sigh, bettering the watch on wrist. I used to wonder how much such equipment can cost, that's why I went to the expensive jewelry store to look around. I assumed that this Perez's was certainly much more expensive than those from the exhibition. After checking the price, I knew that even if I worked hard for a few years, I certainly couldn't afford it. " _What to do with you?_ I've thought about it for a long time" he began slowly, not looking at me evev once. I was deeply grateful to him for that because his eyes truly frightened me. One of those cold and murderous ones, even if pleasant things were discussed. A look without positive emotions. "In the end, I decided to hand you over to Steven," he clapped his hands, emphasizing the inevitability of this event.

I froze.

Steven.

My nightmare.

Of course, I've never met him after taining. _Of course_ \- because he works alone on the bottommost floor of a building that everyone calls the _lower basement_. I'm not sure if anyone but the boss and Steve are allowed in there. To get inside, you need to know a special, individual code, so naturally, things that happen behind the basement door also have legends. They all scared me. Getting to the basement means dying. That was all I knew for sure. But still, I had to get there to stop worrying about my own life. However, I didn't think that Steven resides there permanently. It was a serious hurdle. I can easily deceive anyone but he would be a problem.

"Why?" I asked in a weak voice. Uncertainty about the purpose of this meeting knocked me off the top. This humble, terrified dog that I was trying to annihilate in myself was calling out. A dog that Steven raised with his own heavy hand. A dog that has never been faithful to anyone, although it has pretended to be faithful at all costs. "Did I do something wrong?" I choked out. "It seemed to me that I was doing my job correctly. Each time as instructed," I began to panic slowly. It wasn't even my miserable life here that mattered. I didn't want to leave my mother alone. She just found a job for small potatoes by grace because the mute person wasn't the most wanted employee. I was afraid for her future and how she would manage without outside help.

"You really shit in your pants!" Marco began to laugh hysterically, slamming hand on the counter as if telling a story of a year. Perez was unpredictable and a little mentally distorted, so I never knew when his excitement was about to turn into an anger. "You misunderstood me" suddenly got serious, looking at me with a face that I could see only when he was looking at someone's death. I swallowed hard. "From today you will come here as a regular employee. You will support Steven as best as you can. Catch" he said throwing a black bundle at me. I looked at a surgical mask, only thicker, made of more durable and better material. It was very similar to those I remember from my childhood visits to Korea. "Put it on and never take it off when you're in a building outside the basement, understand?" he asked and I nodded eagerly at his command. "I'm glad you finally did something with your hair. It was too characteristic and easy to recognize you by," I nodded again, although the change in hair color wasn't at all dictated for work's sake. I wanted to cut myself off from the events that took place when it was covered with gray paint. Some peaople cut hair when they needed a change in life and I dyed it. It was a less expensive and much less invasive method. "Now being here won't be as fun as before. Nobody can be aware of your existence - about cooperation with the basement in particular. You'll be like a shadow, one of the ghosts of these corridors. We're going through a very hard time as a company, we lack people we can trust. I can count them on the fingers of one hand and I won't use all my fingers yet" he showed me his hand. "You'll be one of those fingers when you do well. Steve will explain everything to you and outline the nature of your cooperation. You will now go down two floors, knock on the door exactly four times and enter your mother's year of birth as a private code. In a while, you will have a small training but don't worry too much about it and focus on your current job. Needless to say, everything that is created and said in the basement stays in the basement, right? " he raised an eyebrow and I confirmed again. "Wonderful, get out now," he said, waving his hand at the door.

"Thank you," I replied, being truly, truly grateful. Apart from the fact that it was synonymous with the end of watching Minhyung, which I really needed after recent events - to cut it off. The most important thing at the moment was that I will be able to go deeper into this structure. I'll able to settle down permanently and start the process of biting into the foundation. At least, that's how I perceived it.

♥

**[minhyung]**

I couldn't sit at home. My mother was in the hospice from the morning, putting work before spending time at home, which I liked very much. At that time, I could slip unnoticed, shit on the squealer, sitting in the next room. Jeno - a flaw of my existence and he didn't play the role of a brother. When I looked at him, I was for getting back to the eugenics times of the war.

I walked cheerfully towards Marco's office, hoping to find him inside. I wanted to know if he had any job for me. Idle kills, which is why I wanted to go back to my old life. Finally, feel what it looked like to be a motherfucker.

Breathe the fucker air.

Act like a fucker.

Vernon stood as usual at his post. When I was in the mood, I respected his dog's loyalty. When I wasn't in the mood, I was pissed off by his blind devotion to someone who had him deep in the ass.

"Who do we have here," I murmured, not even trying to be polite. The man sighed heavily, looking at me long. Grrr, how he hated me. I enjoyed it. Maybe it was sick but so pleasant at the same time. "Marco at home?" I asked, walking towards him.

When the giant grimaced, probably wanting to tell me how deep I am sitting in his ass, a boy came out of Perez's office with a mask on his lips. I looked at him carefully, as if seeing something familiar in him. It seemed to me that I had met him before. I considered this feeling to be very important because the level of my socialization doesn't allow me to have a dense network of friends. If I knew someone, I really had to pass him somewhere in the past. Then the light in my head came on. Marco told me that I was being followed as soon as I passed this kid. It could only mean one thing.

"Hey you!" I shouted, drawing his attention. Brunet looked up at me and stood still. Was he terrified of seeing me? Y _es, you little bastard_ , I thought, _on me_ _you were spying_. I sized him up from head to toe, finally ending on his face. 

Slant-eyed? 

I frowned. Marco avoided cultural lapping. I walked confidently forward man to give him a sharp reprimand on what I think about violating my privacy but he quickly looked at Vernon, who nodded and moved quickly in the opposite direction. The security guard stood in the middle of the corridor. "Seriously? Fuck!" I snapped indignantly. "You also against me now?"

"Now?" he asked sarcastically.

"Fucking negro" I muttered under breath, reaching into pocket for cigarettes. This constant unknown frustrated me. However, I didn't find a familiar package which I needed so much in the current nervousness. I pulled out the familiar lighter instead. _Does this boy really have to be in my head all the time?_ I thought wearily. I sighed, putting the object back in its place. It made my face fell automatically. To distract me from Donghyuck, I wondered if my mysterious stalker was still watching me. This way of thinking turned out to be even worse in its effects.

I recalled the moment when he left Marco.

I focused on the expression on his eyes. They were terrified but strangely familiar. Really familiar. And it wasn't at all about the cultural context. I was strongly convinced that I had once met my shadow. I tilted head to the side because of these nagging thoughts and the feeling that I was close to solving the puzzle. As if I had them centrally in my face but I couldn't see whole picture. Pretty annoying.

I finally felt cigarettes in my other pocket and with a sigh decided to use a stolen lighter, even though I had my own. I put the filter between lips and looked down the hall, as if in hopes that a boy I want to catch with all my strength would come out from around the corner. Nothing like this happened.

I started the fire and after few seconds suddenly something hit me.

I inhaled slowly, paralyzed by sudden flash. I looked at the lighter I held in my hand. I raised it to the height of my mouth and lit it again, letting out breath.

I felt like the last moron.

Up to the nines hornswoggled loser.

It couldn't be true.

I froze in one position, as if the answer really came to me with a huge delay. I was an idiot that I didn't sense anything right away. I could see images from the evening that I wasn't able to erase from my memory. I glued together seconds play of lights and someone's beautiful, big eyes together.

"Little fucker" I cursed under breath but at the same time with incredible calmness and even a hint of a smile on my lips.

I was at home.

♥

**[donghyuck]**

I've cursed my life since Lee Minhyung entered it. He clung to me like a limpet and didn't want to let go, although I wanted it so badly. His person cornered me from all sides. He has rooted in both my privacy and work space. He was appointed a surprise of my fate which hinders my path.

I couldn't live in peace.

I couldn't go to a party.

I couldn't come to work without jugglery.

I couldn't even fucking breathe calmly because of the anxiety he'll jump out from under the couch in the living room when I'll be watching Hell's Kitchen.

Where else will this man violate my privacy? I had fewer and fewer places to run away from him. I even started desperately considering returning to school. Only there he hasn't harassed me yet.

Today's meeting truly frightened me. Although I stopped watching him some time ago, I was still afraid that the truth would come out sooner or later. I was afraid of what Minhyung would do to me.

When Jeno told me that his brother was fucked up, I didn't want to believe it. Lee behaved quite normally. He left few times the house to walk around the city, once visited the apartment he was about to move into, go out somewhere from time to time with Isabelle. I could say - a normal person.

My perception of black-haired as a mere twenty-two-year-old changed radically when I saw his true face three days ago. The tragic truth that I got fucked by a fucking psychopath hit me hard - but it was too late to go back to our meeting on the beach a week ago.

_Every time I received calls from Marco with the message that I should immediately appear in the company because I should see something with my own eyes, panic arose in me. Last time it was the removal of corpses from cells in the underground. I had to help Perez's other people get rid of the corpses to make room for new future deads who were to take over the released bunks. That is why I reluctantly went to the place designated for my boss._

_I entered the interrogation room. Marco stood thoughtfully. When he noticed me, gestured to take a seat next to him. I understood that I joined the audience for whom a special performance in a small circle was prepared._

_Minhyung sat on the chair on the right, legs on the table. He talked aloud, methodically waving a cigarette in the air. He was clearly in the process of discussing an important issue for him and if it wasn't for the weapon on the table and handcuffs on the wrists of the other person, I would think it was just a classic interrogation, almost police-like. His listener, however, did not share the mood because the expression he made never changed. The man had blindfolded eyes and wrists behind back, handcuffed. He was sitting straight in a chair by the wall to my left._

_Marco went to the speakers and turned on the microphone so that we could clearly hear what was happening behind the glass._

_"...but why am I telling you all this, since apparently my story didn't capture you?" Minhyung asked in a very calm and terrifyingly cold voice. "To warm up our relations, I came up with a very funny game that will help us integrate better, what do you think about it?" The man didn't answer. "Nothing? Are you silent?" The dark-haired was surprised rather dispassionately. "Let me explain the rules to you then. Behind you is a target painted on the wall," he explained. "You are a policeman, you definitely go to the shooting range, you know what I mean," he waved his hand wryly. "You're a wise boy," Minhyung praised the man." Every time I ask something and don't get a satisfactory answer, I'll shoot at some point in the circle. We've got five circles and your bonehead in the center," he said calmly, without putting in a lot of emotion. "Any wrong answer will be properly bonused. Closer to goal. Lie to me and your brain will color the target. Fun? "He asked completely vaguely but once again silence reigned in the room. "No answer is also the answer, I forgot to convey it to you" he announced sadly, shooting the man somewhere over his head. "It's just a way to relieve tension. Fun?" He asked again. The man nodded. "Oh, good boy. I like it too," he laughed almost friendly but very quickly that smile disappeared from his face. "Maybe if we both understand each other so well now, will you tell me about what connects you with our dear Carl?"_

_"Just kill me. I can't tell you anything," the man with the headband said._

_"This is not even a bad answer," Minhyung sighed. "But don't worry, except for bonuses there are also incentive pay for impudence." A loud scream of the policeman resounded in the speakers. A large blood stain began to appear on his shoulder and a dark face of discontent appeared on the black-haired man's face. He tilted his head to the side, shaking it with disapproval. "I was probably out of practice because I didn't mean this hand," he said. "Miss so terribly..." he whispered, as if his thoughts were somewhere outside this room. "Forgive me for destroying our fun, but it will be fixed soon" he promised in a flat voice, then aimed at the other arm of the man against the wall and fired another shot._

Then it occurred to me that Minhyung really is a dangerous person who I should avoid at all costs. The boy's inclination to sadism gave me significant fears. I knew one thing for certain - I would never like to play anything with him. Lee's games turned out to be deadly and not necessarily full of joy. It was a game that only one person enjoyed. And only this one person came out alive.

I knocked on a huge door four times and then typed the four-digit code on my keyboard as my mother's date of birth. I wondered why Marco had chosen such a combination. He could have come up with something more complicated or personal. Meanwhile, the year of birth of someone who gave me life is not significant to Perez. Nevertheless, I wasn't going to argue about what was right, because in this building I never had the right to be right. Maybe that was just how he'd given his warnings. He reminded me that one stupid move and irresponsible behavior and not only my life would be at risk. He made it up cleverly.

When the metal door slid open like an elevator, I was immediately attacked by loud music, which, surprisingly, wasn't heard in the corridor at all. I realized that as if someone had been chainsawed alive here, not even a single sound would be available to the wider world. Suddenly the song stopped immediately, leaving me in suspense.

"We meet again" I heard right at my ear and decided tofake being shocked. I shouted loudly, jumping aside. There was a man by the wall who I had the pleasure of meeting before. From him I learned that I should observe Minhyung. Man from the bench. Man called Steven. "I'm Steve" introduced himself. "What have you heard about me that you look like you're about to faint?" he asked with a smile of indulgence, walking deeper into the room. I couldn't say a word. I didn't believe I was finally allowed into this place. Nobody really comes in here, leaving alive later. Being able to cross the basement threshold, I was able to find my plan well constructed and ready to be put into practice. "Okay, don't answer," he laughed, sitting behind the desk, on which there was a lot of equipment, such as two laptops, a desktop computer, a radio and many other devices with a million cables. I watched all this with admiration and fascination. "I know exactly what they say about me anyway. But I can't help it because I can't fight the wonderful magic of truth," he sighed, running fingers quickly across the keyboard. "I send all the data to your private laptop because I don't want to explain the things we've been dealing with for two years. Getting to know everything will be your job this week and a new book to learn by heart. A lot of characters here" he shook head, as if didn't believe it himself. "I even prepared a separate chair for you, so stop standing there like a dummy, just take a seat and say something finally because I feel like the last moron, conducting this not very funny monologue."

"Thanks" I only choked, walking over the desk tiptoeing. I was afraid to touch anything for fear that I would destroy it. I took my place carefully beside the man while looking around the hangar, commonly known as the basement. I could say one thing - this huge space certainly had nothing in common with the basement.

"Great, we have one word" Steve congratulated me. "Instead of reporting to others, tell me what you think of me now," he encouraged, throwing his feet to the desk. This custom was probably deeply rooted and widely practiced here. At once I remembered in such moments the teachers same old story going like: _put these legs on the ceiling, young man_. Steven watched carefully the green bar, which said how many percent of the data was transmitted and I was looking in my head for words that would be an adequate answer to his question. I had to remember that in this life and on this side of the barricade, we had no right to know each other. The dog-master relationship vanished with the moment everyone felt the training was successful. Now, in this basement, I had to act as if we were complete strangers and give him no reason to believe otherwise.

"That... no one who listens to Placebo can be a bad man?" I risked a smile on his face. _Good job, Donghyuck_.

"You're cute," he said, arms crossed behind head. He looked at me for a moment from his position, then smiled under breath. "I chose well," he said in a way that suggested he was afraid of it earlier. So he chose me? It must have meant that he had been watching me for a long time and knew me inside out. I couldn't estimate whether it was good or bad. I assumed Marco sent me here because he thought he needed me. I didn't quite understand what it meant to be chosen by Steven. Is this a kind of game between him and the boss? Or maybe I missed something important. "Without remorse, therefore, I can begin to call you a partner. Hello, partner, "he said, reaching out to me. I shook his hand shyly, feeling that the assimilation could take a little less time in this case than after joining the company.


	8. Opposite pole

**[late june / july 2019]**

**[donghyuck]**

The situation in the company didn't look good. Carl turned out to be doing for the Russian mafia, which he provided for a long time with information about what was going on in our manor. It came to a point where Marco's people were dropping like flies. His best employees were shot, which is why the boss had such a mania for flexible personnel. He didn't leave anyone for more than a few months and he kept all information carefully. I bet even my address was kept secret, although I was rather the weakest animal in the herd.

Now, in turn, Steve finds all the snipers and secret agents who have contributed to the contraction of Marco's trusted group. They interrogate them in the hope that they will give at least some rudimentary information on the activities of their colleagues but all for now in vain. Most often it turns out that they know nothing or were not even in the mafia itself. For some amount they simply agreed to perform one or another order.

I didn't think about finding Carl and the people associated with him as a job. I saw this occupation as a kind of hide-and-seek, puzzle or other logical game. I just needed to find children hidden in the huge area. It was a bit different from the yard race but I didn't want to look at it differently. I tried to wipe out any guilt from my thoughts because found missings will see the elephant. I didn't want to have anyone on my conscience.

Despite the fact that my thoughts were busy with many things and hands additionally selected various products and put them in the shopping cart, I've had always divided attention written in my files to surprise the teachers. So I could easily conclude that I was being watched. In my childhood I had persecution mania. I was always afraid that someone would look at me from behind, so I decided it was time to change roles. I didn't want to be watched, so I started observing. In addition, at home I tried to be imperceptible because my sight irritated my father very much. I only flashed between rooms, becoming an optical illusion. I liked it and it got into the blood. I started to treat it as a part of personality in my personal life.

Minhyung may have been seen as a good interrogation tool but the as a spy he turned out to be really miserable. I wondered if there was anyone more obvious in the world than him. However, I could also be hypersensitive on tracking as always and just noticed every slight change in the environment. At that moment, Lee was as imperceptible to me as the bull in the china shop.

As soon as we came across each other at work this morning, I knew it would't do me any good. Lately I didn't think much about Minhyung because there were a lot of documents to read, which I had to do in the basement. The flow of information was protected to such an extent that even a receipt for shopping in a butcher's shop would not slip through the crack in the floor. Black-haired went to the background. However, I realized that since I had erased him from my memory for some time, he had to think deeply about me. Quite flattering but also disturbing.

He troubled me.

I didn't think he would only recognize me by the top of face but probably had a premonition. If he were certain that the boy who followed him was me, I would probably scarify the soil in a roadside ditch. Minhyung lacks clear evidence, so he used a very nice and valued method. 

_Start following the person who is watching you._

However, ineffective in this case because I hadn't to follow boy no longer, which made me extremely happy.

I didn't want to see him.

He reminded me of the humiliation I experienced and to which I agreed to. An additional discomfort was the fact that this closeness between us really pleased me. The mental dirt of my body never left me, so I just wanted to dissolve in the air. Planning something like this in an ordinary store was hard but not impossible. Patience and perseverance matched similar tasks; waiting for an opportunity.

As midnight approaches, the 24-hour stores suddenly freeze. Customers enter at a rate of two per hour and salespeople circulate between shelves for lack of occupation and bettered everything that doesn't require correction. This chain store, however, differed a bit from the others, because there was a night stop for trucks with light tonnage nearby. When the heavy cars set off on a cool, night route, so as not to damage the heated asphalt, daytime drivers finished their tour, wanting to rest a few hours before continuing their journey. There was nothing better nearby to stretch the bones than a 24-hour supermarket full of beer and snacks with a toilet specially adapted to their needs.

Minhyung couldn't know that because a few years away from the area left him far behind if it came to the knowledge of nightlife on the outskirts of New York, which developed quite dynamically. The peak of my day usually reached its climax around three in the morning, hence I was able to name all the venues open at this time without a second stutter. After work, it behoves to grab something to eat. My mother could leave me dinner to heat up but I was afraid that I would wake her up in the kitchen bustle.

I glanced at watch. It was already a few minutes past midnight, which I could say up to cashiers behaviour. Sellers began to take their places with a smile and gossip on their lips because at night shift the swarm of drivers was their only entertainment.

Heavy trailers arrived at the parking lot, which I could deduce from the noise of engines, conversations and music.

I smiled to myself, putting a packet of sugar in the basket.

Sometimes I liked to have the bulge on him.

♥

**[minhyung]**

I left the store pissed off. It's been a long time since my blood pressure has gone that way. My moment of inattention, literally a second, and Donghyuck was suddenly nowhere to be found, as if he had dissolved in the air. I didn't know how this could happen. I wanted to resolve everything peacefully. Approach him quietly when, for example, he goes to work. I was afraid that my impulsiveness could end badly for both of us. Actually, grabbing him by the shirt collars somewhere in a dark alley would certainly not bring anything good. In addition, my goal was only to prove to myself that I still have functional eyes that clearly assess reality.

I wanted to meet Hyuck. See what his daily routine looks like. I told myself that it was all because he got a chance to get acquainted with mine at a distance. This one-sidedness was not fair, so I found that I also want to see what interfering in other people's lives looks like without revealing myself. The case with the boy, however, turned out not to be that easy. It seemed like he knew I was following him before I figured it out myself. If I wasn't annoyed that I lost sight of him, I could admit that this skill was quite impressive.

My initial fast pace went slower over time. If there were any pedestrians on the streets at this time, they might think I'm walking. However, no one in his mind was wandering around this area. I was all alone and this silence enveloping suited me tremendously. I was free to vent my thoughts, although I had no idea which one to catch first. I decided to think about what attitude to take towards my father who was to honor us tomorrow with his presence.

Dad never visited me at the center. In his worldview, concern for the child probably appeared in the fact that he was paying for his maintenance, although he didn't have to. I think he was still transferring money just to feel less guilty.

If the expression _guilty_ even appeared in his dictionary.

Father has an unhealthy attraction for betrayal. I think it became a lifestyle my mother couldn't accept. His personality repelled her and the irony of fate laughed at me. When they stood before the altar, they promised each other that they would accept their own vices. More than once I wanted to say _eyes saw what they were taking, mom_ , when she was constantly complaining about her ex-husband. It wasn't suitable, however, to the child to remind the parent of his carelessness in such a indelicate way. In turn, it was always right for parents to blame the child for everything they liked. Life has never had a goal of being just.

Looking at how people are constantly seeking for something new in life and are bored with what they have every day, I came to the conclusion that I will never get involved with anyone by ring for life. I didn't understand why to say words just to break them later.

In a way, my father's nature impressed me. He never succumbed to stronger emotions and always did what he wanted. He cheated.

He was cheating on children, breaking his promises.

He betrayed holiness and traditions through not appearing at family celebrations.

He cheated on his wife by coming into contact with various women.

He betrayed ideals by creating his own rules.

In the end he betrayed the rules he created just to betray something.

I had the impression that one day the road he followed so steadily would end. I had no idea how the finish would look like but I didn't want to see it either. His flight toward destruction was incredible. 

Betray the betrayal. 

I waited for it the most.

While criticizing my father, I was fascinated by how similar we were to each other. I didn't love him, god forbid. I didn't think I'd ever know anything like love. Our relationship only showed how strong the blood ties are. Certain character traits were apparently hereditary. Jeno was the spitting image of our mother. They are both equally unbearable.

As I entered the porch, I looked toward the light in Donghyuck's kitchen. I wasn't surprised to see his mother in the window, who, as usual, stayed up late at night cooking something. I often wondered what she really was like. When I greeted her on the street, she just nodded and walked forth. I noticed that she was a quiet woman, so she would probably also be very modest. The opposite of my mother, who was everywhere like a possessed, didn't focus on anything for more than five minutes and be nervous about the slightest foolishness.

I have never seen Hyuck's father. I wanted to know if he's similar to mine or if they're the opposite like women. It looked like Lee had bet on total betrayal - complete renunciation of the family. I wondered how many Hyuck's father was in Hyuck himself. I was hoping that this content looked like real meat content in the sausages bought in cheap store because I was hoping to find my opposite pole in the boy.

♥

**[donghyuck]**

When I was happy about the fact that my mother finally got a job, I didn't even assume that I would be personally involved. Everything turned out to have, as usual, two sides of the coin, so it turned out that I got mixed feelings. After all, I decided to support the woman as I could because I haven't had the opportunity to see the smile on her lips for a long time.

It is hard for people with disabilities to find themselves on the labor market. Numerous actions, which supposedly reduced the percentage of unemployment among people not adapted to operate on normal conditions, seemed to be one big baloney. In reality, you had to rely on perseverance and find a man with a good heart who would give you any job opportunity at least part-time.

Mom was after confectionery school. As a silent person, she couldn't work in the kitchen, because it required cooperation with other people and verbal communication. However, it turned out that a nearby pastry shop was looking for a person who would perform special orders for cakes and pies. The landlord didn't seem to have a problem with the fact that his employee couldn't speak and signed a contract with her. However, I had to borrow a tuck from the pastry shop at least twice a week to safely transport baked goods from our home. You had to drive carefully and slowly, don't brake suddenly, generally behave like a stereotypical woman behind the wheel, which didn't suit my fast lifestyle. I was always just in time all over this places, so I was always afraid of being late for work.

My thoughts haven't kept moving away from Minhyung. The boy didn't let me forget about himself, although I tried very hard to erase him from my own memories. I was hoping that after yesterday's failure to follow me, he would let go of all childishness. Apparently, the desire to catch me in the act was stronger for him than keeping pride because today he also decided to generously share the day with me.

At first I was afraid of what he would do if he confirmed his assumptions. He might think that I purposely let him hook me up, just to be closer and more comfortable to monitor his every move. I guessed that I wouldn't even get a moment to explain this unpleasant coincidence. He would blow my head off offhandedly. Besides, I could see perfectly what he was capable of. However, now he was interrupting my daily routine, irritating me. I had my plans and tasks to do. There was no place in this schedule for dealing with the annoying Minhyung.

I put the last cake in the fridge and asked the owner if I could use the toilet in the back. He didn't do much trouble, so I tossed the car keys under the counter and then disappeared behind the staff entrance. I passed the toilet and walked out the back door next to the garbage cans. I glanced quickly at my watch and concluded that I had enough time to play parkour. I climbed slowly to the boxes that stood by the wall. After seeing the flowerbed on the other side of the fence, I found sadly that I was forced to destroy these beautiful flowers. Mark wasted someone else's long hours of digging in the ground. I only prayed that the owners of the house wouldn't have a dog, because in addition I wouldn't end well.

After fifteen minutes of paper chase straight from a boy scout camp, I turned into a side street and finally felt safe.

♥

**[minhyung]**

When after an hour Donghyuck still didn't leave the patisserie, I just laughed under breath and shook head. Apparently espionage wasn't my destiny because I lost sight of him again. The feeling that the boy had noticed me was obviously true. I felt like an incredibly naive man.

I decided to give it all up. If he worked in a company, sooner or later I would bump into him anyway and then I would definitely not miss the opportunity to revel in victory. It was the only way I stopped understanding what this victory would consist of. I will approach him and what will I do? Shake hands and congratulate myself on the discovery? I will tell Hyuck: _Oh, so it's you. I felt that way._ Suddenly it all ceased to make any sense.

I ceased to understand myself.

I just wanted to see him.

Only that.

I didn't know the way to do it otherwise.

Entering the house, I felt a sort of emptiness, as if I lost the fight to make my dream come true. I took shoes off slowly and entered the kitchen, finding father who was eating a piece of cake, sipping coffee. Mom sat in front of him and solved a crossword, waiting for the numbers hidden on the paper to put her current thought in the final slogan: _If you eat faster, you will leave faster and there will be peace._ They didn't talk to each other at all. Each was absorbed in its own thoughts. Even an outside observer could say that these people have nothing to do with each other anymore. They have become strangers and don't even want to change anything in this relationship.

"Hi," I just said. I didn't expect them to embrace me. Actually, I didn't expect anything from them.

"Hi," I heard from my father's mouth. "You look good," he said, even not looking at me, as if that was all he had to say to me after three years. When there was silence, it occurred to me that it really was all. Was I sad? Actually no. His words didn't exist for me as much as he did. Another strange and empty relation.

"Thanks" I sighed, passing them with indifference. I poured juice into a glass.

"I left your dinner to reheat in the fridge," mother muttered, typing the clue in the empty boxes.

"I have no appetite," I replied without emotion as I stepped out into the corridor.

"Take the pills," she reminded me, pretending that she didn't want to push them down my throat. A grotesque theater scene with divorces in the lead role. They don't care about each other anymore but are still playing someone they are not.

I climbed the stairs, noticing only the quick movement, followed by the sound of running from room to room and the slam of the closing door. I looked up.

Jeno.

I thought he was running away from me again. He is afraid of you never know who and what exactly. However, that wasn't it. When I climbed a few steps higher, I noticed that the door to my room was open. I clamped fingers tightly on the glass with the drink. I tried to convince myself that it didn't affect me at all. Nothing happened.

Despite everything, the aggression itself entered me so suddenly that I couldn't control it. I just wanted to smash him for violating my privacy. I tolerated his existence but I didn't intend to interfering in personal space.

I ran into the room, scanning the entire area with quick glance. The papers on my desk were scattered and the drawer slightly open. The pillow was on the wrong side of the bed and the bedspread on one side didn't fall properly. These were the details. All in all, not very important, but I always knew in what state I leave my room before going outside. I opened the door to see what was behind them. The cardboard tape was broken and the lid wasn't properly closed. Jeno didn't even try to be discreet. It seemed like he had a quick search or came here with a specific purpose.

I stepped back through doorstep and looked to the right. I looked down. Jeno stood with his back to the door, blocking the full flow of light from inside the room to the corridor in one place. I sighed heavily, placing the glass on the floor against the wall. I put hands in pants pockets, slowly guided steps towards my brother. I wasn't calm, I just stated that I would try to do it kindly. Did I become merciful? No way. I knew Jeno well and I knew he wouldn't go on this deal. I just wanted to clear my conscience of not giving him a chance to do penance.

"Give back what you took," I said. "Your older brother pleads nicely." Silence answered me. I smiled to myself because I had the advantage. The boy didn't stand at the door for a reason. In this house, no room ever had a lock that could be barricaded from the inside. My mother said that it's easier to learn how to respect the privacy of all household members. We won't have the feeling that someone is hiding something secretly, even if they do it. It will kill the desire to violate personal space. "Do you want to die?" I asked in a whisper loud enough for him to hear. I put hand on the door handle. "Hammurabi preached to cut off thieves' hands, Jeno. You probably still want to be able to rub your shitty ass, right? "

The blond didn't answer. I shook head in disbelief. He didn't think he would stop me just by covering the door with his body. He would have to move the wardrobe to his place to stop me from going inside.

I counted to three in mind and banged on the door with all my strength, pushing Jeno out from under them. I didn't intend to reckon with my parents downstairs and with the terrified boy twice. Without any qualms, I grabbed his hair and pushed him hard against the wall. I was happy to see that my hand fits his neck perfectly. Who'd have thought we were so harmonious! I put knee between his legs, crushing crotch. I took a deep breath and finally got the dream advantage over his body. I missed the use of violence altogether and I didn't know whether it would frighten me or whether it would please me that I was slowly coming back to myself.

"You knew I wouldn't beg forever," I said in a calm voice. "Give it back," I ordered. The boy shook head. I laughed because he genuinely amused me with his stubbornness. "You're wrong if you think that heroism pays off today" I clenched fingers on his neck, pushing the blonde to the ground. Jeno fell on the panels with a crunch, rolling the carpet from the floor. I cursed under breath because it significantly reduced the time I had.

"What's going on there?!" father yelled. I rolled eyes, putting hands on hips. I was about to give up when I saw a familiar notebook under the bed.

"Nothing!" I answered, bending down for the old diary. "Brotherly quarrel" I muttered under breath, putting a small notebook in my pocket. "If you enter my room again, I won't be so nice," I whispered forgiving, looking at the blonde who didn't change position. Even his frightened expression remained unchanged.

I left the room, not intending to ask Jeno about his psychological comfort. In the depths of my heart, I dreamed that he would yell back, playing brave, because my anger didn't diminish at all. I would happily turn back and smash his face without hesitation. However, the blond didn't even let loose, any louder sigh - everything just not to provoke me. I guess it finally came to him that I really don't intend to play with him a hoodman-blind.

I ran down the stairs and headed for the door. I had to get out of here so as not to crash something along the way. I planned to get in the car and drive far from home to get rid of the impression that there was no escape for me from this place.

"I'm moving out in a week," I only told my parents before I finally crossed the threshold between two different worlds.


	9. The meaning of carnal love

**[july 2019]**

**[donghyuck]**

When I left work, an unbelievable closeness hit me, which I didn't feel in the cool basement corridors. The weight of the air didn't announce anything good, overwhelming me mentally rather than physically. There was a storm in the atmosphere, which combined with the rain created an explosive mixture.

In such moments I wanted to be as far away as possible from places of lightning and downpours.

I wanted to go underground and pretend that everything above its surface didn't concern me.

I wanted to stop being part of this world until the sun shone again in the sky.

I suffered from the so-called dog beaten at classical music syndrome. This sound associated with an extreme situation defined as purely negative is an alarm for the animal that cringes and squeaks every time it reaches its consciousness. I was just such a dog. Abused by the sound of pouring rain.

The rain had nothing magical or beautiful to me.

The rain was crying and calling for mercy.

I moved quickly because I didn't want to get wet or spend the night in the underground with Steven. Every day, the same walls were crushing me what gave me impression that I'm constantly sitting in a gray prison. No option was good in this case. In addition, we still had a lot of work in browsing photos and looking for clues and I additionally finished reading documents. I planned to sleep well in my own bed today, turn off the phone and pretend I wasn't there. _I planned_ is actually a good expression because I had to be at every call. I was able to afford planning as usual.

In dreams.

I was already turning into the estate when a black car got in my way. I got to know this car well because we used similar ones in the company and this exact one I put in a month ago for Minhyung's apartment, so I must have had it in my mind. I swallowed, feeling sudden softness in legs. I didn't even know where to run. The driver lowered the tinted window quickly and looked at me irritably. I knew it wasn't his best day ever.

"Get in" commanded imperiously, as if I were his errand boy. Our meetings never went well, so I wasn't going to agree to even an innocent ride.

"You're fucking crazy. I'm in a hurry to go home," I said sharply, trying to get past the car. Lee moved forward, letting me know that he would even run me over, only to make me follow his instructions.

"Do I look like I'm asking you for opinion?" he asked irritably. "I don't feel like playing today."

And I didn't feel like crying in the morning but now I feel huge urge to do so. Literally. Inner sobbing growing in my chest separated millimeters from getting outside. I felt like I was signing a death sentence. Minhyung was equal to many humiliations. I always felt incredibly bad after meeting him because he made me feel extremes. For a long time no person has caused me such dizziness in their contradiction.

I was afraid and disgusted with him, at the same time hoping deep inside that he would command and take me by force in an animal way.

The best way to accept this sick attraction was to avoid black-haired.

But why did fate create so many opportunities for us to meet, since I clearly wanted something else?

Why does the wheel of fortune always ultimately point to a field that doesn't bring anything good with it?

Why do I draw zeros instead of millions?

Why is another tyrant appearing in my life, even though I have already got rid of one?

I got into the car slowly and before I could close the door well, the car started squeaking, as if impatient with my lingering. I closed eyes tightly, clearly feeling the effects of this spurt in the center of balance. If the police caught us now, we would be really fucked up because we were driving at least one hundred and twenty kilometers per hour faster than allowed in our zone.

I had no idea if I could speak anyway because Minhyung didn't seem eager to talk. His fierce face didn't herald anything good. He stared ahead angrily, as if he was going to run over everything he encountered. I couldn't be the reason for his mood because he simply couldn't predict that I would come around the corner just when he was crossing that street. The reason was somewhere else but I could easily be a catalyst for greater anger, so I was silent. All these years I knew well when I should shut up and pretend to be away from someone who wants to kill the whole world. If Lee was boiling with anger, I was always on hand, so I decided it was time to use my life experience and survival instinct. Silence didn't eliminate the threat. It only minimized it to fifty percent of the chance of being beaten up.

We traveled quite a long time at a constant speed. Everything outside the window was flashing quickly, creating an impressionist landscape with intensified blur. The streets in this area were empty, which was pretty good for me. I didn't want to have anyone on my conscience and Minhyung would definitely refuse to stop after trampling an obstacle that would unexpectedly break into the road.

We left the city some time ago, which I concluded after all buildings had disappeared. A field or a forest surrounded us on every side. The clouds in the sky grew darker and from time to time they were cut by a single lightning bolt. However, the rain didn't join this stormy concert, which I was quite grateful for. Quite illogical reasoning, since dry atmospheric lightning strikes were much worse than traditional ones with precipitation.

Mark finally stopped on the side of the road and turned off the car's engine, taking a deep breath. It seemed that all the anger escaped him while driving the car, as if such activity really relaxed him. His features softened, the grip on the steering wheel eased and his body seemed less tense than at the beginning of the journey. One thing, however, hasn't changed. The boy was still silent, not even looking at me for a second since we hit the road.

"Why did we stop here?" I asked shyly for fear that my every word might be misunderstood.

"I don't know," he whispered back, looking straight ahead. His tone suggested he really had no idea what dragged him to the periphery.

Silence reigned in the car. This time I didn't even dare to interrupt it. I just started looking at Minhyung, who began to squeeze the steering wheel with strenght again, thinking hard about something.

The boy cut his hair a little and didn't seem as neglected to me as he had the first time we saw each other. His clothes were also quite different. An ordinary shirt and black pants certainly looked much better than a stretched tracksuit. Only the face seemed more fierce than it used to be. Somehow classic arrogance and disregard disappeared. It faded to be replaced by something more hostile and more fearful. Mark's eyebrows were drawn in anger, his lips tight in a narrow line without any hint of a smile. Instinctively, I reached for the door handle, clenching fingers on it. I wasn't going to run, of course because in the open field I was like a young calf from the savannah who wanted to avoid being killed by a cheetah. This gesture was rather a result of the subconscious fear of one's own health and door handle as a symbol of the only way to freedom. Man is like an animal. If he is in danger, he'll start running instinctively, even if all voices of reason say that all this is a pointless operation.

"What am I here for?" I dared to ask one more question.

"By accident," he sighed in a slightly hoarse voice. "As usual, you came by accident," he laughed in disbelief, as if fate was playing another trick on him.

He looked at me briefly, as if he suddenly thought that giving me more attention could be fatal. His behavior indicated that he was a little out of tune. He tapped the steering wheel nervously, staring out the window without a purpose. I didn't think he would find any point somewhere in the grass but I kept fingers crossed he would put his anger there.

Suddenly, the boy punched the steering wheel hard, until I flinched with fear. I didn't know what kind of thoughts were on his mind. I would be a fool if a grain of fear didn't sprout in my heart. I watched him closely, trying to deduce something from the facial expressions of his mask. Minhyung looked at me finally, boring into with his own eyes. He breathed calmly, resting head on the headrest. The dark brown of his irises softened with the slow movement of pupils. I have no idea what confirmation he was looking for in my eyes but I don't think he found any. I saw it as resignation and doubt.

"You must be my doom, huh?" he finally asked calmly. I didn't know how to answer that. I felt that I didn't have to because this question didn't have its correct solution. It was simply a derivative of some unspecified stream of his thoughts to which I had no access. I wondered if Minhyung himself had this access. Black-haired just shook head in resignation and then started the engine again. 

It seemed like our little trip was over and it was time to get back on our way. 

As soon as the thought germinated in my head, I also had to get rid of it as soon as possible.

On balance, Lee took the keys out of the ignition, dropping back into the seat. 

"And, by the way..." he laughed under breath, as if he had found the craved excuse for lace into me somehow. I shuddered when he raised his hand, bringing it close to my face. However, all he did was just take a strand of my bangs between two fingers. "When did you dye your hair?" He asked, looking deep into my eyes with disturbing sparks deep inside pupils. Before I knew it, I felt tears welling up in eyes. 

_He knew._

"I..." I started uncertainly, not quite sure what to say in this situation. I didn't want to admit it, although everything became clear at that moment. However, I had the impression that calling it all out loud would cause me more trouble than I already had. In addition, everything was accompanied by a huge unknown and my heart knocked in terror in chest, as if it wanted to jump out of it. Steven clearly told me that if Minhyung finds out I was following him, I will die. There were no exceptions for him. Neighborly ties didn't matter here. Killing him here and now was also not the solution because he was much higher in the hierarchy than I so killing him menat I was killing myself too.

So it was supposed to look like this?

I was supposed to die in the middle of some stinkin' field?

"Do you think I'm an idiot?" He whispered suddenly, meddling in the center of my apocalyptic thoughts. He brought our faces closer, at a distance that was more than disturbing. After a moment's hesitation, I shook head sideways in denial. Minhyung smiled to himself, as if I was amusing him with an incredible gesture and the boy's look softened strangely. I found myself unreflectively becoming a mirror image of his emotions. "That's good," he laughed, biting his lower lip. Before I could react, his mouth hesitantly pressed on mine.

I couldn't repel this sudden movement properly because it happened completely unexpectedly. I put hands on Mark's chest, trying to stop him but the boy only tightened his fingers on my arms. I murmured in protest, feeling part of the car under the window painfully hammering my back. I clenched fingers on Minhyung's T-shirt, deciding not to answer for his forced kiss attempt. Black-haired finally gave up and looked at me with eyebrows tightened as if he didn't understand anything. The truth was that I was unable to embrace anything with a rational part of my mind as well. That's why we looked at each other for a long time, bent in a bizarre position with our noses pressed against each other. What was happening between us was completely absurd and fucked up. We were like two magnets that attract each other, although they absolutely don't want it.

"Stop it, Minhyung" I asked for a lot calmer than I wanted it to sound. This fucker confused me and did what he wanted with me - that was the truth. "Don't touch me," I whispered when he didn't react in any way to what I said, trying to make eye contact with him. There was silence in the car for a moment, though it was boiling between us on a non-verbal level. Although I assumed that I was like an open book to a boy, I couldn't say that about him. His eyes were dark and cavernous - I couldn't read anything from them. Finally, Minhyung smiled to himself.

"As if you even want what you ask for," he said quietly, then pressed lightly on my lips and I automatically gave up. I no longer had the strength to fight him. I didn't want to fight him. The subtlety with which he kissed me, didn't suit him at all. As if he was a completely different Minhyung from the one everyone knows. As if somewhere under this thick layer of coldness and ruthlessness, there was something mild. I sank in this belief, I was deluded by it.

In addition, Minhyung knew perfectly well that I wanted to.

That I wanted to accept him.

And that was probably the worst part of it.

As he was entering me in the backseat, rain began to hit the windows.

♥

**[minhyung]**

On the way back I drove much calmer. I wanted the kilometers behind us to run more slowly and the time to pass in a less obvious way. It was getting dark outside the windows and they were playing only old songs from the eighties on the radio.

The mood in the car was undefined for me. Donghyuck simply said nothing, letting air pass between his fingers outside. He couldn't run away like last time because he couldn't go home. However, brunet's thought may have been due to other reasons that I didn't know.

Izzy claims that if the boy fucks the girl, he violates her intimacy. Then the girl begins to have some deeper feelings towards him, although he may not be aware of it. I was afraid that things could take a similar turn with Hyuck, even though we're both men. I didn't want him to imagine too much about the relationship we shared. Yes, it was cool to have sex with him but I didn't want to get anything more out of it. If I were involved in anything, it would be my end. I couldn't take any more losses.

At first I treated the brunet very objectively. I saw Luke in him and wanted to keep that image for a long time in my memory. However, today the image of the ex-boyfriend wasn't present. I was terrified that Hyuck was becoming himself in my eyes. This turn of events turned out to be much more worrying. Somehow I wanted to give the brunet brush off but at the same time his presence at my side worked incredibly calming. I no longer felt angry. I didn't even think about Jeno and how much I'd like to fucking kill him. I wondered more what was swirling in his friend's head.

I began to gently lift the glass on which he held his hand. The boy flinched and quickly put arm away, probably thinking that I would crush it ruthlessly. The open window didn't bother me at all but I counted on some reaction from the passenger by closing it. However, Donghyuck didn't even look in my direction, leaving these actions without any comment.

I stared at the road ahead, knocking nervously on the steering wheel. I didn't understand why I really care about brunet. I didn't expect him to quieten so suddenly. Or was it a guy with a quiet temperament? In fact, I didn't know anything about him. I didn't know him, which led me to one conclusion.

I'm a sick fucker.

I hooked up twice a stranger. The only justification for me was that he was my neighbor and my brother's friend. If not for these small and fragile dependencies, nothing would connect us. I combed hair with hand, letting out the air slowly drawn into the lungs. 

Our relationship turned out to be a bit complicated. I've never got into something similar. Casual sex wasn't in my nature. In my heart and dreams I really wanted to settle down sometime. Now conditions didn't allow me because Marco would probably remove from my path anyone who would threaten him with exclusive ownership. However, no one is eternal. The prospect of spending old age with someone was tempting but it didn't match my current situation. I wanted to avoid relationships because I couldn't express myself in such a thing anyway.

I turned my face to Hyuck. But the boy was silent and I couldn't somehow cross the barrier of silence that fell between us. Brunet changed position, now leaning head against the window. He still looked outside, giving in to the full motion of the car along the way. When I entered the hole, he was limping to the quake, as if it didn't bother him at all. Internally, I felt irritated and anxious about his behavior. He was dispassionate. After a moment's thought, I lowered the glass to congratulate myself on this move.

"What's wrong with you?" He asked irritably and I just shrugged, smiling under breath. This car wasn't so quiet after all.

To keep the mood going, I turned on the radio.

♥

**[donghyuck]**

I stared blankly at the blurred green outside the window. I wondered what human dignity really is. If everyone has it, how do you lose it? I just felt like it was taken from me. Dignity, which apparently should be nurtured because it is good for man.

What would my mother say if she found out I gave myself to a stranger twice and didn't even try to defend myself? She would be devastated like me now. Her son, who always looks after the house and works for its maintenance, practically let to fuck him without obligations. How humiliating was this fact?

When I felt depressed I always saw my father. His eternal disappointment on face and expression, as if I obstruct him with my simple existence. I was an obstacle he couldn't get rid of and every effort I made to change it only caused him greater disgust and rage. In our home, physical pain has never been such a problem. We suffered the greatest ache with mental pain, which turned this bodily wounds into ordinary scratches.

My father made me see myself as trash.

Seth fixed me.

Minhyung pulled me down again.

When we arrived in silence at our estate, the black-haired turned off the radio, causing me to notice that it was even playing.

"I won't give you a ride home, because..." he began calmly, breaking the silence.

"I don't give a shit," I interrupted roughly, grabbing the door handle. I wanted to leave but Minhyung quickly blocked this option automatically. I sighed bitterly, closing eyelids. I couldn't break the humiliation band, it would be too easy. Fate has always had an obstacle for me, which it could throw at my feet like a log. "Open the door," I said without anger. I was just tired of the whole trip. Meetings with Lee, as usual, didn't work well for me.

"I just want you to know that carnal love is rape that has nothing to do with emotions. Similarly, physical love has nothing to do with spiritual love. Both are not a whole for me, so if you expect... "

"I didn't ask you to speak the wisdom of life but to open the fucking door," I interrupted him dispassionately, trying hard not to sound hysterical. I had no intention of listening to his pompous arguments. It was bad enough for me to give him my body to think even more that Minhyung didn't even care about it.

After a long silence, the locks shot up and I could get out. I went outside, slamming the door, then headed straight for the house. I was hoping Minhyung would disappear from my life once and for good and wouldn't come to it again. Is this world really ruthless enough not to let it rest at last? I would finally like to start a new life without any problems beyond those that haven't disappeared by any available means. I preferred to close the chapter of the past like a bank account to open a clean account without transferring standing orders from the old one.

I entered the house slowly, wearily taking off my shoes in the corridor. I planned to go straight to the room and bury myself in the bedclothes because tomorrow another tiring day at work was waiting for me and currently crushing the burden of existence. However, passing by the living room, I noticed that my mother was sitting on the sofa and watching TV. I approached her slowly and sat down next to her. I wanted her to comfort me with words but that wasn't possible. The only thing I could get was a sad look tired of life's eyes. That's why I didn't look at her. I just leaned down, head on her knees. The woman in understanding put hand on my head and began to gently comb hair. With the other hand, she patted me gently on the shoulder to the rhythm of the ballad from her favorite musical that was on the air. Mothers sensed when their children were tormented. Sometimes they could comfort them without using any words of consolation.

I closed eyes with a desire to fall into a deep sleep that I would never have woken up from.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How do you like that until now?


	10. A bird in a cage

**[july 2019]**

**[donghyuck]**

I was slowly calling the pictures up folder by folder, looking for any anchor point. At this critical place, even the specifically set-up bench seemed to be a hint. Of course, this can be described as a slight fall to the extreme but after a few all-nighters it was just how it looked like. I put my heart into this activity because I also hoped that it would partly take care of all my thoughts that I wanted to get rid of.

I wondered why on this planet walk people who think that sex without obligations is a completely normal phenomenon. It's quite a sick thing. For example, you come to the club and fuck a stranger to do the same in a week's time with another nameless person. While I was still able to acknowledge this situation, I couldn't understand a similar relationship between friends at all. You see this person quite often, you know your secrets, you share an emotional bond. I wouldn't be able to risk it for ordinary sex. This is probably how the moral fall looks like.

I shook head. 

Unfortunately, my thoughts once again escaped to Minhyung, which, horrifyingly, often happened to them this week. The boy just possessed my mind and I didn't like it very much. I wanted to hate him with all my heart but I couldn't and didn't want to confess to myself why this was happening. Somewhere, subconsciously, shame grew in my mind for the conclusions I drew from this relationship. I felt that my human value system was degrading, gradually turning into an instinct attributed to animals.

I came back to earth because I came across a few photos that had the potential to illustrate something interesting. Dingy buildings and suspicious people - that's what we should look for. Places where even a dog wouldn't pee because it would feel disgusted. The city of prostitution, where it is no longer possible to sink even lower and hedonism functions as the highest value with a faithful group of followers. In addition, I knew the place that these pictures depicted, which seemed the worst in all of this. Around my nightmares. I didn't recollect it in bright colors and I certainly wouldn't want to spend any holidays there.

Atlantic City.

The work of our photographers wasn't complicated at all, if someone just liked outside work. They received an address by text where they were supposed to go and took pictures of everything around them for a week. Because of Marco's obsession with information secrecy, the poor didn't even know what they were looking for. Maybe many of them saved their life because they never focused on anything specific. They provided us with the greatest work with this kind of thing because it was up to us to review each photo with the face of the person we were looking for. Most of these photos have never been of any use. Most often they showed a person F, whose connection with even C was negligible, which made reaching B person almost impossible, moving away A from the next months of work. The chain of dependencies went on endlessly constantly expanding its connections.

Steven stared intently at his monitor, not saying much since the beginning of the day. Each of us wanted to do everything that was to be done quickly because at the end there was an award, which was a warm shower and sleep in our own bed. Currently, our working hours fit into the caricature image of Japanese companies with a twenty-two-twenty-four system with one pee break. Nobody visited us either. People scattered somewhere around the area, expanding the spider's web, which every move reached Marco. He was in the center here, waiting for this one stronger signal thanks to which he would move to prey. That's why dead silence reigned in the corridors. Nothing happened. Apart from one phone call an hour ago, which I made to give the address to Vernon, all this day was one big stagnation.

"Can I ask you something?" I finally broke the silence.

"Sure," the man replied, rubbing tired, dry eyes. I guess he was happy to look away from the laptop.

"Did Marco instruct to follow me?" I wondered, returning to the starting point. I was thinking about that repressed fucker again.

"We're all being watched," Steve laughed. "I'm just surprised that you somehow noticed it because they are rather people who are constantly changing," he shook head in surprise. "If you want to have a private life, you'll probably have to learn to hide it better."

"Are you doing this?" I raised an eyebrow. I was hoping that maybe I would learn something more about this man but I probably had nothing to count on. Not yet, not on this level of acquaintanceship.

"I have nothing to hide," he spread hands, putting on the mask of a flawless man. I didn't believe him. Everyone wanted to have something for themselves, some private slice of life. Steven's slice apparently was too private to share with someone like me. "I spend my whole existence underground. This eliminates any privacy, "he added after a moment's thought, as if that would cut off the discussion about his life outside the company. Maybe he was afraid. Everyone here was afraid of something.

I began to wonder if Marco knew about Seth. If so, would it be better for us to break off contacts? Our line of relation was still thin. We didn't have much in common together now and we rarely talked to each other as well. I got my last phone call from boy almost two weeks ago. After all, for over a year spent here, I found out that shopping at the same supermarket too often is not very welcome. Mafia is one big paranoia deprived of the slightest trust in another person. If the boss could, he would have delegate somebody to follow himself but it doesn't make any sense. However, nothing will surprise me after being in this place.

"I just noticed that Mark was still following me somewhere and I wasn't sure why," I finally confessed. This sentence sounded as if its only purpose was to hear the boy's name. Unnaturally intoned. I felt a bit stupid about it. I didn't want to be emotional; as if a sister asking her older brother about a friend she is interested in. Unfortunately, that was how it sounded. And I started to scourge mentally for not being able to bite my tongue.

"Well, Marco's initiative... it's certainly not," he nodded in denial, bettering himself in chair. "Mark doesn't even know that you work here, so I think he just wanted to make sure you didn't watch him because it's likely that he somehow connected the dots. After all, you live next to each other and these corridors aren't a maze, so that your meeting won't be possible" he shrugged and I couldn't help thinking that, unfortunately, Mark already knows that I work here. Despite everything, we haven't came across each other since then.

"That's good," I breathed without much enthusiasm, returning to viewing photos.

"Is he harassing you that much?" Steve suddenly asked with a vague laugh that alerted me.

"No," I grunted. "I don't know him practically. Just being friends with his brother."

"Do you have a habit of sleeping with all your friends' brothers?" he said curiously, as if it didn't interest him at all. On the other hand, I was stuck in the ground. Completely. I looked at Steven in disbelief, as if he had discovered some very embarrassing secret of mine. What am I talking about? This is my very embarrassing secret! The man just smiled to himself. "As I said..." he began, turning on the chair to the monitor. "...if you want to have a private life, learn to hide it."

"Sometimes I wonder how much you actually know about me," I murmured in disgust. I couldn't tell if I would ever look a man in the eye without feeling embarrassed. I could have bitten my tongue and not start the topic. On the other hand, I already knew that an extra person knows now about the _beach incident_.

"I know almost everything about you," he said with conviction. "At least as much as can be found in our files, so I can sometimes ask awkward questions if my innate curiosity overcomes me."

"No problem," I sighed heavily, though he didn't ask for my opinion. I felt that nothing would be able to get me down any more at the moment. I will never go down the hall again without the feeling that everyone knows what, how and where Minhyung was doing with me. In my career I haven't only unlocked a prostitute character. I've already been honored with all other insults. This one was for now beyond my reach but everything indicated that it can change in a blink of an eye if one specific man will decide to ruin my life.

"Have you ever loved your father?" Steven said after a moment of silence, not pulling any punches. However, I didn't completely blame him. I wrote this curiosity into his professional deviation. I did the same but nevertheless I did it more subtly.

"No," I answered without much thinking.

"Even when you were a child?" he inquired.

"Even for a second of my life," I whispered.

"Wow, this is called real hatred," he said with sincere fascination, as if he had never experienced a similar emotion himself. I shrugged, looking at the viewed photos.

My father... was almost a stranger to me who would come home from time to time to remind of himself and make new debts, then leave again. The period when he was out of town was always the best time and at the same time filled with unpleasant expectation when he'll return. It would be a lie if I said I wasn't afraid of him.

He was a beast.

In the worst sense of the word.

His sadistic tendencies would probably frighten many a forensic psychologist. After all, no one has ever had the opportunity to find out what happened in the four walls of our house. We were just another family of Korean immigrants - one of many in that area. The neighbors did not react to the screams and the sound of broken glass. I don't know if they were afraid of the consequences or passivity was just easier. People preferred to look at the suffering of another person from a distance, for fear that it might one day spread to them like a plague.

They obstructed the windows so as not to see.

They were closing the door so as not to hear.

They ignored to not get involved.

This was one of the reasons why our situation dragged on for so long. Cultural isolation surrounded us from all sides. For fear that the police wouldn't do anything about it, we continued living in pain and humiliation. When the scales of bitterness heeled over, it can be said that Marco actually was godsent. I caught his offer like a drowning man catches at a straw. I wouldn't say it was a bad decision. It just requires a lot of sacrifice from me now.

As long as my mother is not harmed, I can accept a lot.

"But I am grateful to him for something," I said, staring at the building, which couldn't be forgotten.

"For what?" asked unaware Steve. He looked at me curiously.

"For recognizing this collapsing brothel in Atlantic City" I smiled sadly under breath, showing him a photo in which Carl surrounded by a few other motherfuckers stood in front of the world of hookers and drugs.

♥

**[minhyung]**

"Generally, maybe you will have any benefits from three of them," I said, sitting with Marco in the interrogation room. There were seven men in a row behind the glass that I was to test for Perez and see if they were suitable for working with us. The results were not satisfactory at all. "This huge guy... I would advise you to keep him locked up in here because he is very brutal. Only suitable for interrogations in which you want to literally crush someone," I warned, handing Marco a Hulk-look boy's dispatch case. His temper even frightened me and I prayed that I would never have to work with him personally. It would be safest to take his presence on our doorstep under advisement but it wasn't up to me to decide.

"He looks fine," the man muttered, sliding his finger across the boxes. "A bit sick but now we need such people. Next."

"Third from the right is good in the outside work," I explained. "We tested him a bit with Steven. He was supposed to follow him and in total he was noticed until after four days, which I think is quite a good result when it comes to our _Shadow_ of company corridors. If it comes to killing someone, he will kill him, so when it comes to this guy, I assume it'll work. Some security stuff, innocent investigations".

"Don't get so excited.," he said carefully, replying to the text. "We currently have a young boy in the basement who got Steven in an hour and a half," he muttered. I started to think that something happened but other matter got my attention. If he was talking about Hyuck now, I wasn't surprised then that I was noticed faster than the idea of following the boy appeared in my head at all. An hour and a half... Who the hell was he? Who I was sleeping with?

"Skinny and tall in the middle. In the past, he had small but numerous incidents with the use of fire, but the police didn't even get interested in him. His family died a year ago in a house fire, so I don't know what to think about him, but maybe...? " I asked uncertainly. "I leave it to you because I don't want to make this decision myself."

"Kill," he answered without hesitation. "I don't need to worry yet about whether he will set us on fire if we do something that doesn't suit him. Two out of seven left then" he sighed. "Not too bad, although it could have been better. Eliminate the rest at your discretion and get rid of the bodies silently," he ordered dispassionately. I was afraid that the message he had just received didn't bring anything good.

"Let them sort it out with each other. I don't want to mess my hands," I sighed thoughtfully, wondering if the answer to the question why I have temporally limited access to the basement is not at my fingertips. More and more puzzles jumped into place in my head and created a complete picture.

"Do as you want," he said casually, bending down for the briefcase he had put on the chair earlier. "Hold it," he handed me the filing jacket. "This is someone to orientation," he explained. "However, you have to train him, not kill him - just to make it clear. This is a delicate specimen and you should treat him as one. As long as you meet these conditions, he is your property, do whatever you want with him" waved his hand.

"Okay," I murmured. "But who is this?"

"Someone who found looked for two years Carl in three weeks," shook head in disbelief, as if he didn't like it. And he didn't in a certain sense. Marco didn't like to waste precious time. That's why he came out in an atmosphere of general dissatisfaction, leaving me alone in the room. I breathed hard, not knowing what to think about the whole situation.

I glanced at the file, feeling its imaginary weight. I prayed that all my anxieties would be forgotten at that moment. I wanted to get confirmation for my assumptions. If it wasn't what I wanted inside, It had to turn into the desired content right now. There was no other option.

I didn't want to have total power over just anyone.

I wanted total power over this one and only person who seemed to despise me sincerely.

At the time, the whole thing seemed to be more exciting.

I counted to three and opened that fucking file with eyes closed. I slightly opened one eyelid, finding personal data like age or place of birth. The pounding heart was something hilariously different from how I experience random events every day. I went a little higher towards the photo and then snorted an indefinite laugh. I found this next coincidence something extremely fun. I felt like Oedipus in the story of my fate. It seemed to me that it was really planned by someone above and I have nothing to say here.

I stared with a devious smile at the boy's photo.

"Lee Donghyuck..." I whispered softly, tasting the words spoken aloud in bliss. "In the end I managed to catch you anyway."

♥

**[donghyuck]**

Four o'clock in the morning was the time when the sun was trying to somehow break through the delicate fog and make itself felt. The whole estate was still sleeping soundly, which wasn't about to change for at least two more hours. Nobody got up here before six. I was surrounded by neighbors who worked in companies and other enterprises who owned quiet homes and who met all the conditions of the American Dream family.

This is how the outer shell looked. Nobody knows how it was inside. Maybe the husband bullying his wife before leaving for work, making sure that her head bounces off the door frame a few times to start the day well. Anything for leaving the driveway in a stress-free manner, ready to pretend to be the perfect man who constantly mows the lawn so that children can play on it, when they return from school. Sometimes you can't see such things right away. It just happens somewhere out of our eyes. Silently, so as not to mess up the property of a decent family.

Human hypocrisy knows no bounds.

We want people to look at us pleasantly.

We want them to be jealous.

To make them feel they should be liken to us.

My mother and I didn't match this picture. We were like an unnecessary rung in the fence, which someone forced on because he had nothing to do with it. We didn't care if anyone would think about us badly because every day we were worried about whether we would pull the next month. It is true that our material situation was quite good now. _Just right for survival_ , one could say. Mentally, however, we were still in pieces.

Helpless.

Waiting for someone to sort us out.

Seth...

Seth has been in my life since I can remember. At first as a very good friend, later as a boyfriend. Whenever I couldn't sleep at home or just had a problem, the blond was with me and aided me as much as he could. I was glad that he never had a situation in his life when I would have to support him more than usual. On the other hand, I felt bad about it because I couldn't give him anything. I just saddled him with my problems. That's why I felt relieved when he started touring. He could break away from it and forget about New Jersey matters for at least a moment. When he called after concerts, he was happier than usual. Then I fully understood that we should part. That he should feel joy and not live in the sense of duty to return to this terrible place because of me.

I was pecking at the sleeves on his hoodie while sitting on the porch steps. It was the only thing I allowed myself to keep as a remembrance. It was mainly at the bottom of the closet but recently I have started thinking about it more and more. I have no idea what caused this. I tried to push away the thought that it could be because of subconscious sense of guilt. Although we weren't together anymore, I felt like I was cheating on him. Or I was cheating on myself and wanted to confess to Seth about everything.

Minhyung claimed that carnal love is not associated with spiritual love. I couldn't agree with that. If something was already called love, in my opinion it connected both the physical and mental sphere. It wasn't corporeal love to be considered as rape - that was a corporeal act deprived of it. I felt sorry for Minhyung because he clearly couldn't distinguish such basic values. At the same time...

I shook head. I couldn't think of Lee. A man who takes everything by force, who never asks about the opinion and feelings of another person. It wasn't material for a relationship, it was material for torment. However, I didn't understand why, being aware of it, I was still subconsciously attracted to Minhyung.

The sound of the horn snapped me out of thoughts. I shuddered, looking up. Steve drove up to the house, forcing me to rise from the porch. I threw bag over shoulder and started walking towards friend. I was hoping that he wouldn't awake anyone with his behavior.

We were going to Atlantic City for a few days. It's true that we didn't even count on the fact that Carl continued to show up there, because twice in one place is still a lot for a person so urgently wanted. We hoped to find a man there who seemed to be a regular in this rudder and accompanied our wanted man each time, standing closest to him. We were hoping that he was at least a C person because such a turn of things always pushed us a few steps away from where we stood.

I dropped bag on the back of the car and then took seat next to Steven. I didn't say _hello_ , because I didn't feel such a need. We had more than two hours of driving ahead of us and intended to use them to sleep off the night before. Besides, we see each other day by day. After such experiences at work, people sometimes don't feel urge to say useless things.

"We still have to go to the gas station," said the man.

"Okay," I replied. "Mom made us sandwiches," I waved thumb behind back.

"That's great," he muttered. "I have to meet her someday."

I just nodded and that was how our conversation ended. It wasn't awkward. Steven and I just didn't feel the need for long conversations about something and nothing. After all, we spent with each other millions long, hard-working hours. The silence suited us both, so there was no need to break it.

We were silent until we left the city.

"Are we sleeping in a car?" I asked.

"No, I took a room above the bar," he said. "I'll explain everything later and apologize in advance," he sighed heavily. "Memories are coming back, huh?"

"Unfortunately," I replied quietly, accepting the fact that I'm going to partly face the past. After all, it wasn't there that the worst things happened to me.

Atlantic City is just one of my father's favorite stops. The last time I visited this city, Seth was with me. He would never let anything happen to me on a lonely trip to such a place. That's why I put on his sweatshirt today. I was hoping that somehow it would chase away bad memories and help me like a boy did. I'm not sure if I would go out alive if I didn't take him with me then.

In addition to women, my father also loved gambling. Continuous debts were owed to various people, which he unfortunately had nothing to pay back. These people came to us sending various threats when he was junketing in New Jersey or Norfolk and he had to be brought home by force. These are not safe areas, especially not for a 15-year-old. Dad never belonged to calm people and I often came home beaten up when I tried to drag him to Newark so that he could deal with all his _friends_. Then Seth said there was no way I could go to Atlantic City myself.

He held my hand tightly and promised he would never let it go.


	11. Demons of the past

**[july 2019]**

**[minhyung]**

By sealing the last moving box, I realized I was really doing it. I leave the house where I spent my childhood. Maybe it wasn't associated with the best memories of life but I always knew I could come back here. That I have somewhere to come back.

Here was my mother, who, despite all the annoyances we made to each other, was still waiting with dinner.

Here was my room where I slept with the girl for the first time.

Here was my grandmother, who was silent for many days, unable to digest the decisions I made.

Here were the walls that listened to my crying over the years.

Here were the walls that closely watched my every move and conversation.

Here was everything I didn't realize until now.

Suddenly some sadness entered me. I didn't want to leave but I couldn't stay either. I was fed up with Jeno and at the same time I was afraid that he would find something that would end his life very quickly. My private things were one thing but there were far worse things under the rug and panels. I would never forgive myself if someone in my family suffered from such a thing as my side activities. Hatred of other people is one thing but respecting blood ties is a separate matter. The eternal rule of life in the mafia is not to involve work in normal life. However, when work takes you every second and thought, you should walk away from your loved ones as far as you can.

It's not like I plan to turn back on mother completely and pretend I came out of nowhere. I just came to the conclusion that it would be better if our contacts were limited to Sunday dinners and spontaneous visits. I wouldn't like anyone to come up with the idea of harming me or blackmailing my family. However, I am a public and representative person, which sometimes made me envy Steven his underground.

Steve and Donghyuck went to Atlantic City yesterday and I couldn't stop thinking about what they were doing there. Which wouldn't be so weird if I considered the work aspect. I could not accept the fact that they would be there alone, in a shady, small hotel room the size of a prison cell. It wasn't of course a matter of any feelings but matter of ownership. In kindergarten I never liked when other children touched the toys that I saw in the basket, considering them to be mine. It was the same in this case. However, a man with the possibility of a more intimate relationship than touching the plush was involved. A similar vision irritated me to such an extent that I wanted to get in the car and run off the highway to Atlantic City to take possession of what I believe is already my property. I had it on paper and intended to use it as often as possible. Authority over Hyuck is a small privilege that makes me smile. Imagination sent images of his annoyed face when I told him who he belongs to from now on. I didn't know why but his irritation was the best entertainment for me lately.

"Will you be visiting your old mother?" asked the woman, standing in the passageway, which drew my attention to her. I slowly picked up the last cardboard box in this room. 

A cardboard box from behind the door. 

I approached mother leaning shoulder on the door frame.

"My move doesn't mean that I will avoid this house in a wide arc," I said. "I still intend to sleep here sometimes, so don't even think about desecrating my room," I threatened.

"I won't even change the sheets if you don't want to," she smiled sadly. "Children are growing," she sighed, walking away.

I rolled eyes, hugging the box. I felt a bit like the first day at home after leaving the resort. However, I was now leaving somewhere again. Once again I abandoned the place and people. I began to wonder if this would be my life? Eternal escape is not a mode in which I would like to find myself.

Suddenly I wanted to have someone by my side in one place and escape from constant changes.

I wanted to experience peace and settle down once.

However, it didn't seem that this period would be a good time for similar dreams.

♥

**[donghyuck]**

I drank my beer slowly at the bar, waiting for the right opportunity to implement our plan. Yesterday it came to nothing but Steve said he would bet me an arm and a leg that I caught our target's attention for a moment. I didn't like all this and it only made me feel worse. I started to hate myself sincerely. I became more and more indifferent and disgusted not only for my own body but also for my soul. Last month made me question the rightness of my choices from last year. Working in the mafia was exhausting me more than continuous beating and insulfing by my father. If I hadn't asked Marco to kill this bastard, I would have to fight him but I am thinking recently more and more about whether it wouldn't be better for me.

Steven's plan was supposed to be incredibly simple. Unfortunately, it didn't include Carl, because the brothel in Atlantic City was just a one-time stop on the route he was following. His companion and regular visitor of this town became our new goal. Apparently he was looking for only male attractions here, so my task was to lure him upstairs to our room, and then inject thiopental. Although the relaxand does its job quickly, thirty seconds is in my opinion enough time to kill someone. If a man has a gun, its barrel may be the last thing I will see before I die.

Steve said that even if I objected, I have no choice. I never had. I didn't think I looked gay enough to get a guy to pay attention to me, so I didn't really know what to think about myself right now. The man was convinced that I didn't have to do anything but sit at the bar and drink beer. By the way, I didn't want to drink it because I didn't have a particularly strong head. I was afraid of one too many and I could end badly. Also, my attitude towards drinking alcohol was negative overall. I didn't like to drink and I didn't like when others around me did. For me, alcohol equaled aggression and violence.

After a while, a stranger-familiar guy took a stool next to me. I tried not to smile because I would have betrayed myself. At least, the whole plan didn't take into account a gross man, because I would never go for it in my life. I would consider the boy sitting next to me even extremely handsome, if it wasn't for the fact that in a few hours he should lie in our trunk and go to New York. I stated in head that all this shouldn't be a traumatic experience. I didn't have to have sex with him.

I want Minhyung's theory to work at this point.

I would like physical love to stay away from the spiritual realm.

"May I ask you for a nice conversation over beer?" I suddenly heard a question addressed to me. I glanced at the man as if he had knocked me out of deep reflection. "I'm Seth," he introduced himself, reaching out.

"Joe," I answered, cursing him beacuse of this damn name.

♥

**[minhyung]**

"You really have nothing more than this little box?" I asked incredulously, pulling Izzy's clothes out of the carton.

"Do you think how would I get money for any clothes?" she bit off. "I had to leave the rest because it wasn't mine."

"At least you won't take up much space," I said ironically, not to show her how worried I was that she wasn't being treated properly by her man. "Such a folded version of a women's brothel."

"As always nice," she irritated, leaving the room.

As soon as I offered her a shared flat, I regretted it all too quickly. A girl at home is like a thousand to chaos and lack of peace. She will wander, persuade me to spend time just when I don't feel like it. I could have foreseen that silence and loneliness were a better solution. In addition to many minuses, there will always be pluses, so I decided to stick to them for now. Isabelle cooks quite well, so I'm not going to rely on ready dishes from the microwave. In addition, she would probably clean up the clutter from time to time when she was bored at home. She will always notice if the toilet runs out of paper and in the kitchen some minor spices. If Marco didn't want to see her, I could have the illusion of her going for some shopping. Also after the summary, the balance sheet was even positive.

Izzy also has her life, which involved nights outside the apartment. I didn't think we would see each other too often. This house will probably take on the character of an ordinary bedroom. Marco has already planned many trips for me, so I will be visitor here rather than tenant. The option of sharing this area together was only a kind of convenience.

She didn't have to sleep in the stinking brothel.

I didn't have to hide with weapons and documents.

I left the room where I decided to keep all the cartons and clothes in the closet because there was no other place for this. A lot of space was occupied by a huge living room separated from the bedroom only by a wooden partition wall. Until I put some crap on it, it will be easy to see an ordinary bed from the sofa.

I entered the kitchen, noticing out of the corner of my eye that Izzy was making an _angel_ in bedding. The whole move made her happy more than anything in recent time. All in all it didn't surprise me that much. She got a chance to break free from the burrow, so such an apartment equaled her with the palace. As soon as she got inside, she immediately called Marco and enthusiastically told him everything. I didn't know how the man reacted but their conversation soon ended, so he rather told her that she bothers him and hung up. The blonde, however, didn't seem to care at all. I suspected that even if he really shouted at her that she only takes his precious time, Isabelle would still have a smile on her face. I think she got used to such treatment.

"Do you want something to drink, gnome?" I asked, putting up water. I haven't felt such the desire for coffee for a long time now.

"I would rather celebrate our common residence somehow," she laughed happily, rolling from edge to edge of the mattress. I thought for a moment and cursed under breath. I didn't even think about it.

"I forgot to buy champagne," I said remorsely. "Sorry."

"Are you stupid?" she was surprised what honestly made me wonder. I had no idea what she meant now. Izzy wanted to celebrate, so she made me a mental reset now. I couldn't even guess what was wrong with her pretty head. "Champagne is rather the last thing I want now. I'd rather try to see if these mattresses can lift two bodies," she looked at me, pumping out her lower lip. It was only now that I was enlightened by what this little viper meant.

"Sory, but I don't feel like it," I answered her calmly, smiling sourly. "I'm distracted today."

"As you wish," she sighed heavily, falling back onto the bed. She wasn't very happy about that fact but her body wasn't really what I wanted. I didn't want to allow myself the possibility that my thoughts were with a completely different person.

♥

**[donghyuck]**

When I was bouncing wall-to-wall with Seth, I felt a bit like all those house parties where alcohol helps you kiss a person you don't even know and you won't remember it tomorrow morning. Beacuse I didn't drink much, I had to use my imagination a bit. I tried to think of Seth before me like Seth, whom I had known for a long time. This measure made the stranger's lips feel more pleasant right away.

I was slowly pulling him towards my room. I tried to be gentle so that he didn't think I was leading him into a trap. Every now and then we stopped in one place so that things would not go into the private sphere too quickly. I didn't want to insist on anything but when I saw the familiar door out of the corner of my eye, I grabbed the brunet by the shirt and with my lips pressed to his lips, pulled in that direction. Everything that happened later was included in the collection of millions of unfortunate accidents that sometimes occur in life. Just not everything went my way. When I was about to push the door handle, the boy laughed subtly.

"Sorry, but I feel best in my own room," he whispered, pushing us very quickly to the door next to those.

I tried not to panic but my heart was pounding like crazy. Until now, every point of our plan has gone incredibly smooth. I didn't suspect that something was going to screw up just at the end. My preparation for this event was round zero percent. The worst part of all was that Steve was sitting in the room and had no idea when I could join him. He only saw me talking to our target. Recognizing that the case was already decided, he quickly went upstairs to take his place if I needed help. There was no help, however, in someone else's room.

We entered the dark room quickly. I wondered what kind of place this was, that Seth didn't even lock the door. After a while, I realized that even if I screamed, no one would react. It was just a pit. The man could take me literally as he liked.

Suddenly I felt a strong thrust from the front and I landed my back on the bed. I didn't expect such a turn at all. After a while I was hit with something metal in the face.

"Put the handcuffs on and pin to bed," he said, pulling off his pants. I shook head, unable to say a word of protest. "I'm not asking you for your opinion," he said with a snort of amusement at my resistance.

"I won't do it," I choked, getting out of bed quickly.

The man sighed irritably, knocking me hard on the face. I fell back into my place and after a few seconds I felt his fingers clenching tightly on my wrist. One click made me fear like never before in my life. Even before my father, I didn't feel the same fear when I felt like I was about to die.

Seth climbed onto me, going straight to the point. He began to slide off my pants but I wasn't going to make it easier for him, jerking as much as I could. If the brunet did it, I was buried. I kicked him hard in the stomach, trying to free my hand from the metal clamp. A moment of his inattention also allowed me to reach quickly into my pocket with free hand. After all, I made Seth even more angry, so I wasn't surprised when I got hit back in exactly the same place as before. It hurt like hell but I decided that my suffering was not priority at the moment.

As soon as the man took care of my pants again, I decided to take the opportunity. I took a discreet swing and stuck the syringe into his neck, quickly applying all its contents to his body. The brunet's surprise only worked in my favor because time was constantly passing by. The man pulled out the needle in surprise and looked at it closely, as if he couldn't understand what had actually happened to him.

_Ten seconds._

Seth threw the syringe to the ground and lunged at me with an animal yell. He clenched hands tightly around my neck, when I couldn't really defend myself. I closed eyelids tightly, feeling as if larynx would burst. I groped him with free hand by the hair and began to pull hard, kicking legs in all directions. Lung pain overwhelmed my body, stripping of any strength to continue the fight. With the last of will, I slid down on the brunet's face, squeezing thumb in his the eye.

When I thought it was really over, I suddenly got a chance to gasp. The grip on my neck eased, giving me the opportunity to breathe as normal human. I felt a completely aching esophagus and burning bowels but the darkness in front of my eyes began to subside.

Seth was lying on me with his whole body, which wasn't the easiest for me to carry because the man had an advantage over me at least fifteen centimeters tall. I jerked body, throwing him on the floor with real disgust. The boy hit his whole body against the panels but I didn't even feel sorry for him.

I quickly pulled the phone out of pocket and dialed Steven's number. It was true that we had half an hour before Seth woke up but I didn't want to spend any longer here.

"Why are you calling?" he asked at the beginning, as if he was afraid that the whole plan was in vain.

"We have a small problem," I said, feeling tears welling up in my eyes.

♥

**[minhyung]**

When Steve says he'll be here in ten minutes, it's never the exact time. Usually it takes him the next ten and he never feels obliged to apologize, as if protruding in the cold belonged to my shitty duties. This time, however, I persisted to the end, letting him loose this fault. Marco was in a bad mood too, so I wasn't going to risk my life. Now he even talked to Isabelle, so the risk also increased.

It took half an hour to see Steven's car. By that time I had time to sit down and smoke a cigarette. With his arrival, the man only prevented me from setting up my camp chair and tapping the liquor box from packie around the corner. I got up from the stairs where the restaurant staff usually spent their breaks. That's why Marco's sister restaurant was just the perfect idea to hide business. While she managed the gastronomy upstairs as she liked, things were going on in the basement that would make guests vomit.

I ran across the parking lot to the car and tapped the window. All in all, I wasn't one of the most patient people. Steve got out slowly and closed the door gently behind him as if he didn't want to make noise. I glanced briefly at the passenger seat. Hyuck slept curled up in seat with a mask on his face. I frowned. _Very funny that he has time to rest_. Steven specially got me here so that he could take a nap. Really funny.

"What's the matter with him?" I asked with a crooked face. I considered banging glass against his head a few times with my open hand. In the end I had important arrangements to give him.

"Leave him alone," Steven said, walking to the back of the car with the syringe. "He had a hard night," he explained, opening the tailgate.

"What happened?" I lowered voice. The man didn't answer, waiting for some guy's body to go numb. I looked at the stranger appraisingly and found him quite handsome. I wouldn't have a heart to shoot him right away. I shook head. Such beauties go to waste.

"I'll tell you along the way," Steve finally announced. "Now help me take him out and bring inside."

♥

**[donghyuck]**

I dreamed of grandma's house. I can't remember the details because the image was blurred. However, I know that the woman was sitting in a rocking chair on the porch and was smiling warmly, despite the fact that in this dream I was clearly destroying her garden. Pretty funny situation. I didn't even get to meet her. She died two years before my birth. I associated her simply as a nice old lady from my mother's photos. An elderly lady who always said that my father will destroy life of her daughter. That she shouldn't go anywhere with him, especially not to the States.

I opened eyelids slowly, feeling pain in the right part of the face. I winced, glancing out the window. I saw a familiar parking lot and wondered why Steve didn't wake me up. I took a deep breath, closing eyes for one more moment, when I felt I wasn't alone in the car. There was no chance that Steven would stay because he definitely took care of Seth the Pervert, so I had to take steps to assess the situation. I tried to act as if I was still sleeping. I thought for a moment where I had a gun. When I came to the conclusion that I woke up so that my slowdown wasn't visible, I quickly grabbed the gun, reloading it and turned back, aiming at... Minhyung.

The boy quickly raised hands, feigning surprise. I sighed loudly in disbelief, not even hiding with my own dissatisfaction. Mark was the last person I wished to see after the hits of last night. It seemed that my status as a person working with him in one building was finally confirmed.

"Quite an instant move!" He praised. "Pity you can't use it in practise," he smiled wryly, which I returned, though he couldn't see it through the mask. I lowered weapon slowly without taking eyes off the boy. I'd lie if I said that my heart didn't beat at least for a moment harder when I saw him. I pulled the handle out of the car.

"You won't even let me rest for a moment from you," I murmured, slamming the door behind.


	12. Just a stupid dog

**[july 2019]**

**[minhyung]**

I looked at Donghyuck and wondered how anyone could beat him. He's still a child. With his appearance he receives at least minus four from his current age. This guy wasn't driven by homosexual tendencies but rather by some pedophile degeneration. I frowned, gently tilting the boy's mask. I immediately noticed redness on his skin. He had a swollen jaw and a cut cheekbone. I didn't think that his first field work would lead to such sick situations. I blamed Steven with a clear conscience. Man could move and shake butt at the bar himself, instead of sending someone so inexperienced. If I were there I would never have allowed a similar situation.

Hyuck wrinkled his nose in response to my touch and turned to face the window. I was then left to watch his back. I sighed in resignation, bettering in the driver's seat. I didn't even know what I was doing in this car. Nothing threatened him here. After all...

I put arms around chest and looked at the brunet again. He had our high school basketball team logo printed on sweatshirt, which amused me a bit. How could he do any sport except limbo with his height? I smiled to myself but the smile quickly faded. The conclusion was a total of one. It just didn't belong to him.

And I didn't like it.

Looking at the brunet's closed eyelids, I realized that it was his eyes that attracted me the most and was remembered. I wanted to know who first stared at him for longer. I was hoping that it was someone much better than me. To consider it more thoroughly, I was no different from the guy who had treated him badly last night. I was always just as brutal and I didn't care about the boy's feelings. For now, I didn't give that much thought to it. I just liked looking at him, nothing more. I couldn't just accept the fact that someone had raised a hand at him. As long as I was doing similar things, it was good. However, when the other person did the same, I wanted to get him and kill him. I claim that there is something in it from this theory and the need for exclusive possession. I was just afraid that over time I would stop perceiving Donghyuck as _something_ and he would become _somebody_ to me. I wanted to watch him without that risk, so I couldn't think about what else I would be able to do to prevent it.

When I was fighting with my own thoughts, Hyuck apparently wasn't even sleeping anymore. I didn't even notice when he turned and he was already aiming at me. I painted a surprise on my face but I was genuinely surprised. I raised hands, although I knew perfectly well that he wouldn't shoot anyway.

"Quite an instant move!" I said enthusiastically. "Pity you can't use it in practise," I smiled to myself. Even if I planned to be nice at first, I really couldn't control my malice. In addition, our relationship ended reliance on guesses in this minute. 

Everything became clear. 

The cards were laid out on the table.

Hyuck lowered weapon slowly without taking his eyes off me. Boy's eyes were thundering and he didn't look happy to see me as the first thing that day. I understand that there is no reason to worship me but such overt reluctance won't be the best for our future cooperation, of which he has no idea yet. If we were to spend a lot of time together, we both had to work on this relationship.

Brunet sighed dispassionately, hiding the gun by belt. He grabbed the door handle and started to leave the car.

"You won't even let me rest for a moment from you" he muttered, slamming the door behind.

I frowned as he walked past the parking lot with hands tucked into the pockets of a large sweatshirt. He looked miserable and I felt a lot of resentment from him.

He was the first person to show it so clearly.

The first person to make me bother.

♥

**[donghyuck]**

Throughout the interrogation, I felt Minhyung's breath on me and his watchful look. I felt hot at the thought of a boy right behind me. I had to take off my warm sweatshirt, staying in a short sleeve. I wanted to tell him that he didn't differ much from the man we are now observing but I did not have the courage to do so. And that wasn't entirely true. Maybe I always felt like used and worth nothing shit when I had contact with Mark but I still liked to feel his touch on my body. I couldn't say that about Seth 2.0, who I met in the bar, who was getting everything by force, while I didn't want to be taken.

Steve tried to squeeze anything out of the man but none of his methods worked. Violence was his strongest asset but psychological play was an ace in a hole. I have always been impressed by the manipulation power he used on the interrogators. It was the same force of manipulation that was supposed to let dogs out from the basement totally brainwashed. I think that if I didn't loath torture, I could learn a lot from him. 

As the man clenched hand around Seth's neck, I wondered how much it hurt. And for the first time in my life I hoped that he hurt really badly. Despite the sight of his swollen face and split cheek, I really didn't feel compassion, which hasn't happened to me since looking at my father's dead body. I always wanted to respect every other being but getting hurt from other people... wasn't fair because the world wasn't built so that we hurt each other and make miserabe. If someone thought otherwise, he should be punished for his impudence and try to fix it. However, there was no way back and the path of redemption didn't exist here. Only suckers and blind hope allowed to give false visions of joy after confessing secrets. Real life, however, didn't take this into account. Here it was a measurement error and it had to be eliminated as soon as possible.

The man finally gave up because he slowly wiped blood from the knives and put them back in the case. After all, his face remained inscrutable. I suspected he was annoyed because he didn't find out anything again. I didn't look at it like that. We have achieved something big, since there have been no results for a years. Nobody saw Carl and we did it. This is not a reason for irritation. Maybe I was too optimistic about it. After all, I'm not here as long as Steve.

"There's nothing I can do here anymore," he finally said, buttoning up his carrying case. "Someone can clean it, I need to wash myself," he sighed, leaving the room. When he closed the door behind him, he began to wipe hands on a cloth. "Hyuck, go and sit with him," he commanded in such a light way that I was surprised. Why on earth would I go there? To chat with him? No more than a few hours ago, he claimed that he was sorry that he got me involved. Somehow I didn't feel his boundless regret at the moment. "You don't have to speak. I'm just wondering if something will happen," he explained, seeing my hesitation and then exchanged a quick, almost imperceptible look with Marco. 

And then it clicked to me that what I was afraid of had just begun. 

That leaving the basement didn't put a dot at the end of the sentence but pulled me into the test phase. It was an ellipsis. They had to check if everything was going according to plan and I had to confirm their belief. They couldn't risk when they let me into the lower basement. And I couldn't risk when I got there. We started this sick game right from the beginning.

"Does that make any sense?" Minhyung asked suddenly, standing right behind me in a very disturbing distance invading my private space. In the current situation, however, I wanted him to hold my arms tight and say that he wouldn't let me go anywhere. "I guess we will only waste time," he finally suggested, when the room was quiet. He was wonderfully unaware of what was happening between the three of us who he didn't belong to. Marco had to protect him very much, since he apparently didn't give him the most important information about this shithole

"Let him come in," Marco finally decided, as if I wasn't here at all. As always. Just an object. "Not that we didn't waste enough anyway."

Without a word, I headed for the door. There was no need for me to say anything because it didn't matter. Why nod or whisper the usual _okay_ , since what I was supposed to do was doomed? I walked slowly into the dingy room and sat down reluctantly at the other end of the table opposite Seth. I looked at him without any extremely negative emotions. I had no heart for it because it looked much worse than I thought. The blood on his face slowly began to solidify, giving the impression that it was rather smeared with mud. I didn't think I'd be able to do him any more harm.

"My honey-eyed friend" greeted with obvious effort. "I don't understand how such an innocent person could get me into this kind of trouble," he grunted with trouble because it seemed to hurt him a lot. I didn't answer. I was afraid that if I get into a discussion with him, I might start to feel compassion. I didn't want to have him on my conscience. Work here was already sufficiently destructive mentally even without reproach for some unknown guy. "At least you're a beautiful disaster," he continued his monologue. "I only regret I hadn't fucked you up, disappointment wouldn't be so big at the end of my life," he said brazenly, looking intensely at me. I felt that he wanted to force me to answer. I only stayed with fists clenched on pants. "I think you have a lot of skill at seducing guys, since everything happened so freely."

"Why are you provoking me?" I finally asked. I didn't want to hear such things about myself. I also considered that Minhyung was standing behind the mirror. I couldn't bet my arm that he didn't think the same. That I seduced him so that I could better follow and manipulate him later. I really didn't want him to think that. Sometimes I had the opposite impression. That Minhyung was the only person in all this mafia reality that I didn't manipulate in any way. Whom I didn't have to lie to so much. What was I supposed to be? Soviet sparrow? I used my head to manipulate. Never my own body.

"That you would finally kill me," he confessed. "It really hurts, so you would do me a huge favor."

"I won't do it," I replied without hesitation. I didn't kill in this version of me. And although I really wanted to help him, I set my life higher. I had too much to lose.

"Why?" he was honestly surprised. "Isn't that why you came here?"

"I don't know why I came here," I replied calmly. "But I wonder if it is really worth losing your life in the name of something that is not even an idea worth a similar west?"

"You make me laugh with your hypocrisy" he smiled to himself because I thought he couldn't afford more. The pain he was experiencing with his normal face movements could easily lead to fainting. I didn't even want to know how badly he was beaten before he got here. "If we swap places, you would be dying because of the same idea as me. After all, you're just a stupid dog."

I _was_ a dog, I corrected him in my mind.

I'm not anymore.

♥

**[minhyung]**

I watched Marco out of the corner of my eye and couldn't judge his expression. It must have been some new face he had developed during my absence, so I had mixed feelings for it. Unfortunately, the negative ones prevailed among them.

"It bored me," he said after a while, watching Hyuck's conversation with the detained man. "He won't tell us anything more than we know. Or what we still don't know," he sighed with exasperation that suggested impatience. But not the impatience caused by the loss of time. I felt impatience with the threatening situation. As if Hyuck's long conversation with this man would lead to the disclosure of information that Perez no longer wanted to disclose. It started to intrigue me because Marco rarely had secrets from me. And it seemed that Donghyuck was apparently involved in this secret. Does putting him in my care have a hidden agenda? I had to find out what it all meant.

"Should I take care of him?" I asked, unfortunately knowing the answer to this question.

"No," he answered gently and I closed eyelids, cursing in heart. "Let Haechan do it."

"You know that he can't do it," I denied, wanting to cut his rush thoughts. I was afraid that he would want to blow the boy away if he wouldn't be able to carry out this command. "It doesn't make sense."

"Quite the contrary," he announced, turning signet ring on his finger thoughtfully.

"What do you mean?" I was surprised, not completely understanding his verbal mental riddles. Marco liked raving with word puzzle, as if he felt the need to speak some thoughts but at the same time couldn't let anyone hearing them know what they meant.

"The dog you teach tricks remembers them all life..." he muttered in reply, actually not explaining anything to me. "The problem starts when it starts to bite the owner..."

"Marco, for fuck's sake..." I sighed heavily, losing my patience. He knew that I didn't understand any of this and it probably amused him internally. It meant that I had a mystery ahead of me. I have to solve it on the basis of the clues and tips that he gives me. But I didn't understand any of these tips.

"If it can't be done - too bad," he finally said, sighing loudly. "You will see what you're dealing with and somehow you will squash it in him," he ordered. "But I advise you not to provoke him too much," he smiled to himself. "This bite is usually someone's last..." he added in a whisper, looking intently at Hyuck.

I grimaced, not convinced. Marco's reasoning didn't coincide with mine. I knew that Hyuck would do nothing about it before Perez leaned over the microphone and gave his absurd command and I saw the boy's face full of misunderstanding. I didn't have to see anything but his eyes. They themselves seemed to exude pure terror. Since he was never able to hurt anyone, he wouldn't change his temper so suddenly. Apparently, what seemed logical to me didn't make sense to Marco.

Some part of me didn't want to teach him how to kill. I didn't want him to change and suddenly make able to shoot without blinking. Donghyuck was human, he was warm, he was manlike. Why would I deprive him of all this? He would then become the same as each of us. 

Like all of us with serious sin.

Brunet got up slowly after a long moment of numbness and approached the man. He stood like a statue, waiting for grace straight from heaven. If someone had been all over me so brazenly and later I had the opportunity to shoot his head, I wouldn't hesitate a second. All in all, however, when I looked at this matter from this angle, I could have been lying in the cemetery a long time ago if we had changed brains. Hyuck stared at the gun like a rotting hamburger someone had told him to eat as part of a lost bet. Finally, he slowly raised the gun. I wanted to tell him that he wasn't holding a grenade but a normal weapon that wouldn't hurt him.

"It's comical," I said, after a few minutes there was still no effect. "He can't do it at all," I shook head as I approached the counter, where I had put my gun before. I reloaded it quickly and entered the room vigorously. Without thinking, I shot the interrogated guy straight in the head, so that its leftovers splashed Donghyuck's whole face and clothes. "Get the fuck out," I said calmly because his awkwardness really irritated me. I didn't understand why Marco kept him here. The ability to search and work in the field is not the whole package. Here, in this environment, everyone must have something of a killer in them. And I didn't even mean it to be useful to our system. Screw it. It was needed to save a friend or himself if needed. "Now!" I yelled when the boy was still standing in the same place. He looked at me with fear, as if it was him to be threatened with a gun but he didn't move a single centimeter. I laughed in disbelief, aiming at the brunet, then shot near his head. The boy flinched abruptly and shrugged as the bullet blew the wall next to him. It took boy a second to comprehend the situation. Therefore, when he finally added two to two, he passed me quickly, nudging his arm, then left the room in a hurry.

I took a deep breath when I was left alone in the four walls with the dead body still attached to the chair. The fact that the dead said nothing made me very happy at the moment.

Terror.

That's what I saw in him.

Instead of feeling discomfort and anger at myself, I noticed that relief was the dominant feeling. I didn't want his attachment. I wanted to discourage him because in this way I didn't expose anyone to unnecessary feelings. I was incredibly at ease with it. 

At least I tried to convince myself so.

♥

**[donghyuck]**

I ran outside, immediately sliding down the wall. Instantly, a chilling attack struck me from every side, which caused tremors and made me to shiver strongly. I was perfectly aware that my current emotions were largely influenced by the situation. To pretend in front of the system that the process of brainwashing and creating a great child has been completed successfully is one thing. However, the earthy juxtaposition with facts and the eternal fear that what I did would be discovered was a completely different matter.

I bent in half from returning memories that were to be forever suppressed. Everything came back to me and it came back a million times before at various times in my life.

The shots returned.

Points have returned.

Orders returned.

Dead bodies returned.

_After all, you're just a stupid dog._

I started puking under myself.

_Just a dog._

_Dog._

_I'm just a dog._

I wiped mouth with the back of hand, sitting on the cool gravel at the back of the restaurant. I looked at the gray sky thinking that I would like to cry now.

I remembered that it made things a lot easier in life.

That it used to bring relief.

Why couldn't I?

What happened to me?

I had no idea what I was supposed to think about all this. Minhyung did me a total favor, at the same time making him truly terrifying in my eyes. Once he could be a village fool with a smile on his face and once he was a ruthless killer who gets rid of people without blinking an eye. Both of these personalities were quite different. I had no idea which one was the real one. It occurred to me that he was definitely in the facility because of personality disorders, some damn sense of having two different identities in his head. It couldn't be just alexithymia. And as far as I knew, the boy wasn't in the same basement as me, so there was no explanation.

Minhyung's cold eyes filled me with fear. I had chills all over body and I didn't want to keep in touch with him for anything. He seemed to really want to kill me and get all this farce out of his mind.

_Get the fuck out._

I sniffed, rising slowly from the ground. I embraced myself. I felt cold but I knew it was just an illusion that should be over by now. I didn't want to go back inside. I was afraid that I would have to enter one room with someone written off in advance. With someone on the verge of life and death.

I looked at the ground, staring at the puddle for a while. After the recent downpours a lot of them was in the area. Their sheets reflected the sky, creating an illusion. A false image of reality that, despite everything, seems to be reliably reproduced. _Until something disturbed it_ , I thought when the wind blew harder, wrinkling the water.

I turned head to the side, lighting a cigarette. I slowly began to wipe the blood off my cheeks, which had already dried up in places. I was immediately disgusted at the thought that the remains of someone else's body were just resting on my face. I winced, rubbing skin hard against the edge of shirt. I inhaled heavily, looking at the tinted glass window of some car. Blood also splashed on my arms and neck, so it all seemed to miss the point. I just had to get a shower before I got home.

When did my life get so complicated?

I dropped back heavily against the wall, closing eyes. Words cannot describe how much I would like to escape and never return to this place. Weekly, this building absorbs many victims, until the first word to describe it becomes _death_. I thought back to the interrogation room and Seth, who didn't even know what he was giving his life for. He had no idea what he was suffering for. He devoted himself to an empty idea, seeing no other way for himself.

Was I the same? Would I die in his place for the same reason?

The answer was _no_.

Because I wasn't a brainless victim of a soulless system. One can even say that this soulless system has become my victim. Because when someone get blinded by such a stupid idea and convinced of his reliability, sooner or later units of my type appear, which will bypass this system, using every imperfection, every smallest crack. However, you need humility to achieve such thing. And neither Marco nor Steven ever had that humbleness.

I was shivering again at the memory of the shot. Minhyung's entrance was so sudden, his movements quick and without reflection. For him it didn't matter who he was aiming at because for him it was only a point towards which he was supposed to shoot. Lee didn't care about the fact that he was killing a man because, like his target, he followed a blind idea with no clear direction to turn. On the other hand... Am I a fool or an ignorant being grateful to him? After all he did it for me for no apparent reason or question. He knew that I couldn't perform the task entrusted to me, so he did it for me. I could thank him but for what purpose? _Thank you for killing this man?_ I didn't think it was right.

Nothing I've been doing for a year has been like that.

The sound of the door opening snapped me out of thoughts. I glanced quickly in that direction, noticing Minhyung. I cursed under breath, moving more to the right, where there was a depression in the wall. When I saw him, I felt much colder than before. I was afraid that he would accuse me of cowardice, or, worse, choose his favorite form of entertainment in which I didn't want to participate. At least not today. I squeezed into the alcove, shivering from the cold because the walls seemed to have a much lower temperature than the air after recent rainfall. I put arms around myself, rubbing skin quickly.

The first thing I heard after a long silence was the boy's loud sigh and then the steps, which instead of being quiet, seemed to be clearer to me with passage of time. I shook head, wanting to distance myself from a terrible vision in which my worst assumptions come true. When the boy stood in front of me, I lowered head, wondering how malicious the person who planned my fate must be? I didn't know that but he didn't seem to like me much.

"What are you doing?" he asked irritably, sighing heavily with perceptible powerlessness, as if he were struggling with a child, not an adult. I wasn't going to answer him, so I pretended not to hear his words at all, actually automatically confirming this childhood syndrome. I focused only on not showing him how cold I was. And how terrified I was by what I saw. "I haven't met such a reckless man in a long time," he announced, taking a cigarette from me that I didn't even smoke more than three times. In modern times, when tobacco cost more than five loaves of bread, such a loss hurt very much. I looked at him angrily as he stuck the filter between his lips but after a while my eyes softened. I sighed quietly, not understanding myself. Black-haired was a person who made me anxious and disgusted but at the same time I could not completely cross him out. Minhyung was a monster in my eyes but he also had a lot of humanity. Lee raised an eyebrow, looking down at me.

"Why did you do it?" I whispered, referring to the situation from ten minutes ago.

"What, you wanted to do it for me?" he asked with a mocking smile. I looked away. Indeed, I asked a stupid question. "Doesn't matter," he said, however. "Somehow we'll fix it..."

"What?" I was surprised by the plural he used. Besides, I didn't know exactly what to fix here. It wasn't in me that was the problem but the system in which I was involved.

"As if to explain it to you... you're mine from now on," he announced, pulling off his sweatshirt slowly. I looked at him like an idiot.

_After all, you're just a dog_.

Not any more.

"I'm not an object to belong to anyone," I froze, suddenly silent as the Minhyung's blouse landed on my shoulders.

"You and your foul mouth," he muttered under breath, clearly irritated, placing hands on both sides of my neck. I felt chills when our skin entered into even a slight physical contact. It was hopeless how easily my body adopted a submissive attitude towards this man.

I have never been like that.

_Dog_.

I've never been submissive.

_Dog._

Not since leaving the basement.

_Dog._

Not until I met Minhyung.

_Dog._

Since then, somehow, magically, the narrative of my life began to turn 180 degrees.

"Don't touch me," I said sharply, moving head sideways to get rid of his unwanted hands from body. But it did nothing. They returned quickly to their place.

"I advise you to get used to the idea that you belong to someone from today," Minhyung said emphatically, sliding thumbs slowly down my cheeks, as if to enjoy telling that he had just taken possession of me. That I came back under a leash again, only I have another owner. "It's always better to belong to someone in this world, Donghyuck," he said quite seriously. "When a weaker individual has a stronger one, his chances of survival increase. And after what I saw today, you will die faster than you think," he whispered calmly and I felt chills from dispassionate manner in which he gave me a message about such content. If this was the way he was to look after me, I would like to thank him dearly for such protection. I preferred to die with dignity without it. Minhyung was right after all. It was like that. This is how the mafia world worked. With the fact that the boy apparently had no idea that in this system, in fact, he is weaker, not me. He was never supposed to know about it either. "I see it reached you," he smiled to himself.

"Reached" I sighed heavily, rubbing his hands heavily from my face. And although they stayed below this time, the distance between our bodies didn't die. "Any more parish announcements?" I asked, putting hands through the sleeves soaked with the scent of the owner. I couldn't get rid of the thought that accepting his property made me his own property in a way. However, I was fucking cold and he already had me physically. With his reasoning, nothing more of me was available. After all, out of my body, apparently, I had nothing to offer in Minhyung's eyes.

"You have to take care of your health," he replied, zipping the zipper up to my nose. He pulled out a packet of cigarettes and lit one, apparently not thinking about his heath at all. "You have to finish talking to me this way because I react badly when someone resists me," he continued, exhaling. I bit lower lip, barely refraining from telling him that I had already convinced myself of this. "Start listening to me finally and stop looking at me with dislike, as if I had caused you some terrible harm in life and understand that this is a new chapter," he explained to me, piercing eyes carefully, as if he was wondering if I was really processing what he says. Of course I processed. However, I looked at this man and wondered how we should write this new chapter, since all the previous ones were fucked up and incoherent. We shared things that we shouldn't share for nothing with zero knowledge of each other and such memories were hard to erase as if with touched a magic wand. "There will never be anything between us," he suddenly announced after a long silence, as if he were reading my mind. As if it was on this pillar of denial and oblivion that the story he had invented was to be based. I looked down, snorting under breath.

It hurt.

That was all I had to admit to myself.

"I didn't even live in a similar delusion for a moment," I lied, looking at the gray parking lot over the boy's shoulder. Silence reigned between us for a moment. I felt impenetrable eyesight. His black eyes. Eyes that showed no emotion. I admired the coldness with which I answered him. I haven't often managed to adopt such a tone. After all, I was rather positive about other people and tried to look at the world in the same way. However, if he wanted to start over in such a way, I was ready for it. And I hoped he would be as well because I decided not to give him a reduced tariff and treat him as this fucker deserved. "Anything else?" I asked, raising eyebrows impatiently. I didn't want to see him today anymore. Minhyung looked carefully at me, sending another smoke into the air. He nodded.

"Finish school finally," he said, puzzling me. "Even such a moron like me has this worthless paper, you can't be worse," he muttered under breath. "I hate wasting time on people inferior to me," he added thoughtfully, crushing the tip of the cigarette into the gravel under our shoes. "Any demands from you?" he asked dismissively, sighing heavily. He looked at me impatiently, more irritated than he was a few minutes ago. He couldn't show any more how deep in his ass was what I wanted because we both knew perfectly well that everything would be done as he pleases.

"Warning," I said calmly. Minhyung laughed in disbelief. I must have looked really weak and innocent in his eyes, since he couldn't even take me seriously and as an equal for second. It was a mistake but he couldn't know it. The more that I promised myself that I wouldn't return to what was then.

"I'm listening," he waved a hand casually toward me, kindly letting me speak.

"Don't even try to be all over me again without my permission, Minhyung," I said deadly seriously, for the first time in centuries using Korean. The boy's face thinned. He frowned thoughtfully, watching me carefully. Apparently, a direct confrontation with the fact that we were not completely blank slates, turned out to be much less comfortable in his perception. However, since we left the relations of neighbors and entered into the relations of colleagues, we didn't have to play anything and force the reality in which we both functioned. We could be ourselves. We could face some facts brutally. "I may not want to kill but I can aim at someone else's balls," I added, nudging his arm as I passed by in disgust.

I wanted to believe that he took my words to heart, if he had it at all.

Still, I wanted to set any boundaries between us whose postulate of impassability would be respected.

I wanted to detach myself physically, since I was getting worse emotionally.

However, the way the boy finally smiled at me suggested something completely different.

It suggested that Minhyung had just accepted the challenge.

And I became just a dog again.


	13. Diaries of the past: Luke

**[2 years earlier]**

**[minhyung]**

I stared blankly at the sheet of empty gaps that I had to fill with my handwriting.

Declaration on participation in the life of hell.

Also, if I had any remorse ten minutes ago because I didn't say _goodbye_ to my mother and left the hall without turning once, now it's gone completely. I stopped regretting any of my negatively marked behavior.

The survey said I had one of the two proposed days of the year to go outside to the garden. Visiting thinned bushes by the fence and other such great tourist attractions. Families probably loved similar views from a postcard from a concentration camp prisoner. After all, it is healthy to be green.

Once a year.

I didn't know if I should laugh or cry. It seemed to me, however, that here they keep people under strict supervision and hope that we will pickle like cucumbers for lack of fresh air, until parents will pick up those fucking pickles from the facility after many years.

I considered all the pros and cons of the choice I intended to make. After the final conclusion of the options, I marked February 14 because in the winter month fewer people will want to leave than in the summer. The perspective of the overall experience of the vanitas motif in nature is hardly optimistic. However, I found myself feeling a hundred times better if I notice that something else is dying besides me. 

For example, the whole world.

Five minutes later I was walking down the narrow, dark corridor behind the nurse, holding the handle of my bag tightly. These walls filled me with boundless fear. The thought of spending the best years of my life here made me fucking crazy.

This center had an incredibly claustrophobic structure, as if its arrangement was aimed at aggravating patients' diseases instead of eliminating them. The walls gave the impression of watching guards, building in the mind the feeling of the initial stage of paranoia. The air was saturated with distrust and panic. I was afraid that I would never leave here again but if they set me free, I would be far more distorted than I am now.

"It's your room," the woman announced, opening the metal gray door with only known to her code. "Give me back your luggage. You won't need it anymore, we have uniforms here," she added, completely denying what was written on the resort's website. After all, it is a therapeutic center, not a facility for the mentally ill. I didn't understand all this. Atmosphere straight from Alcatraz. The brunette took bag out of my limp hand. I was in shock. "Dinner is at 5pm," she said finally and left me alone in a hopelessly gray room.

There were two bunk beds in there, none of which was occupied. I didn't even want to think about the people who were mashing these sheets with their bodies, or about what happened to them that they don't do it anymore. If my imagination had permanently coded that it stink with death here, I would have seen corpses everywhere.

Schizophrenia guaranteed.

I walked slowly to one of the lower beds and sat down heavily on the mattress. I wondered how much time I would spend in this madhouse because I had enough of it already. The nondescriptness of this institution caused depressive states. A room without color kills creativity, leaving only dark shades of washed-out gray in your head.

The world seen in black and white colors like pre-war photos is a world without feelings.

Lack of emotionalism creates monsters that bred in the cage after leaving it will wreak havoc until someone takes their freedom again. It's not man who decides his own corruption but the people who kill his individuality.

This place gave me such deep life differences that with good winds in a month I could be a misunderstood poet in the world who would gain fame after his death. This always happens with artists.

Death to a bigger idea.

A swift stream of philosophical considerations didn't leave me until I felt someone else's fingers clenching my ankle.

"Boo" somebody boomed beneath me, tearing a terrible scream from my throat. I jumped on feet, fleeing to the opposite corner of the room. My heart was pounding and fear didn't subside with the passage of time. Suddenly I saw the hands emerging from under the bed and then the head of the person who hid there. The boy looked at me with a wide smile and waved a greeting with a few fingers. "I'm Luke," he introduced himself, trying to drag the rest of his body to the surface but it didn't work out.

"Mark" whispered, feeling that gradually the tension was escaping from me. Brunet fell all his chest on the floor, flattening face on it as well with suble splat. He looked at me pleadingly, with cheek on the cold plate.

"Will you help me get out of here?" he asked vaguely. "I think I'm stuck."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not all that past chapters are important of course. Just some of them. But they are good to show how life was going for both of them before they met. Just 1 or 2 out of 8 will be really important for plot but I'll write it at the beginning of such chapter.


	14. Fallen angel and denied past

**[late july 2019]**

**[minhyung]**

_I heard a whistle right at my ear and then the crack of a bullet that made a hole in the wall behind me. The echo of a specific sound spread throughout the empty room and the darkness that prevailed in it, this effect in itself further emphasized. I tried not to breathe too loudly and sigh inside own chest. My heart was beating fast and loud. I was afraid that because of this I might not hear when I was exposed to attack from the core of darkness again._

_I stuck back to the wall, trying to listen to the surroundings. It was a battlefield_ _and I was a man sent to the God's Playground. The goal was to survive and destroy the invisible enemy. Fighting the ghost or maybe fighting yourself? I could not assess this._

_Another bullet went through the air but it didn't even hit near me. Still, I shot blindly, waiting for an answer. How great was my surprise when I heard the bang of a body falling on the floor._

_I hit?_

_Impossible._

_It's a trap._

_I decided not to leave my hiding place until I was completely sure of my own safety. I tilted head back, leaning it against the cool wall. I closed eyes, breathing deeply. For an unknown reason, the melody_ Non, Je ne regrette rien _Edith Piaf, which only paved the way of the words of the singer, resounded in my head. Strong French "r" bit into my subconscious mind, destroying the remains of a sense of security. The apparent song about love caused me a strong feeling of vomiting because in the circumstances_ Je ne regrette rien _sounded like a final confession of my own guilt and preparation for conducting a quick examination of conscience before imminent death._

_For a long time the situation around me didn't change and the melodic string constantly galloped in my thoughts, playing now a loud_ Milord _, in which Edith gave herself everything, putting me in the feeling of participating in some wild dance of crazy people; the grotesque procession of Death with a stereo on the shoulder and a chain on the neck. I had to do something to break free from this snare that drove me crazy._

_I moved uncertainly in the direction from which I had heard the sound of a body falling to the ground before, with the gun reloaded and ready to use. Unfamiliarity of the surroundings definitely was my disadvantage. However, when I wanted to complain during this internal monologue about one more inconvenience which was complete darkness, a searchlight shot somewhere behind me, producing a cloudy pillar of light. I turned slowly with growing anxiety in my heart. In the distance I saw a dead man lying in a pool of his own blood. The corpse was strangely familiar, which caused mixed feelings in me. I turned steps towards it, wanting to reveal all the unknowns of this place. Burning curiosity to learn the identity of the person who wanted to kill me turned out to be a devouring force from the inside._

_When I put distance between me and body, I thought it was a mockery and someone had just maneuvered me into a dirty game and I, with the child's credulity, succumbed to this intricately constructed provocation. However, despite all of these elements that I constantly displace, some part of me allowed myself the possibility that it was true. My knees trembled slightly, as if taking all the weight of a shaky body._

_On the ground lay a slight boy with chestnut hair. One stranger might think that he was still a child but I knew perfectly well that it was only a pretense. I knew every fragment of the corpse of this brunet with a mask on his face and his tragic story written to him by life. On my weak legs, I knelt by his head, placing hand on his hair. Some indefinite emotion accumulated in my breasts, combined with incredible pain. I looked at the eyelids closed under the mask and long eyelashes, which fluttered in my memory very clearly._

_I reached out to remove everything that blocked my access to his mouth when I heard the sound of the unlocked weapon behind me. I closed eyes, cursing harshly in thoughts. I felt that this situation was too simple to be true._

_I stood up slowly, leaving dead body reluctantly. Any previous denial that it no longer works for me was false like most of my existence. What is most missed is the lost element of life, which was unbelievably valuable. I turned unhurriedly towards the schemer, almost immediately confused after discovering his identity._

_I looked at the brunet in disbelief, then smiled under breath. The weapon drawn towards me ceased to be as terrible as it appeared from the previous assumption. I had someone I knew well in front of me, so I decided that nothing could surprise me anymore._

_"Mark" said in a low voice with a hint of coquetry._

_"Luke" replied in a similar tone, greeting the boy in this unusual way._

_"Did you miss me a little bit?" he asked with honesty, as if he thought that I had got rid of all the memories that were associated with him for good. I could only laugh at this stupid sentence. The situation between us was absurd. "Are you entertained by my question?" he raised an eyebrow in disbelief. "What's funny about it, Markie? Explain it to me and maybe we can laugh together."_

_"What does this game mean?" I pretended not to hear his speech, putting forward issues that interested me more than things from the past. I wasn't going to breathe the old days._

_"Lesson on life," he replied, snarling sarcastically. I didn't understand what he meant. It was difficult to decipher the point of this issue, or at least its faint sense. I had no idea what lesson he was referring to. What can he teach me by murdering an innocent man? I always knew he was a seriously disturbed person but it never bothered me very much. Now, however, I was extremely annoyed by the content of this secret - through - confidential message._

_"What is this lesson about?" I sighed, getting more and more impatient._

_"Give me the mask," he said in a tone more commanding than pointing to the request but I decided to let go of it. That is why I bent down again with a sour face to the corpse, whose identity when I saw Luke became completely indifferent to me. I caught up with a flourish for a plastic face cast with various decorations, lifting it carelessly, with extortion. In principle, I should return to the vertical later but I froze, looking at the cool, dead face now fully exposed._

_"What's that supposed to mean?" I asked with a lump in my throat, looking at Hyuck's bloody cheeks. Luke didn't answer me. At least not immediately. "I'm talking to you!" I yelled, bringing a smile to his lips as if he was waiting for it. The boy pointed his weapon more precisely at me._

_"It means the same that you can't just deny the past, Mark. It'll come back to you sooner or later and you won't have anything to say when it starts to make its order," he whispered. "By denying the past, you'll never be able to exist in the present," he concluded, then pulled the trigger._

I got up from sleep, returning to reality, which immediately overwhelmed me with its unpredictability and weight. I choked on the waking air spasmodically, sitting on the bed in horror. The first color I saw after waking up was gray and the first thing I felt was incredible back pain. As far as I knew what the second inconvenience resulted from, the first one was an amazing mystery to me. I grabbed the paper rustling in my fingers that lay on my face and looked at it crookedly, squinting at the bright light that immediately attacked my pupils.

Sleeping on the couch wasn't the most comfortable thing and only the masochist lives with the desire to experience it again. As a result of Marco's request, which must have appeared sooner or later, I was forced to spend the night in the basement on the sofa, whose springs made holes in the spine and also led to general deformity of the joints. With this way of life, I gave myself fifteen years of life before I died from bones calcification at the age of thirty.

I sat down slowly on the edge of the sofa, wincing at the tact of French moans I had nightmares through. I looked toward the computers and saw Donghyuck, who was studying some strange maps. I thought he knew perfectly well that I was awake but apparently he decided to ignore it. I sighed with irritation, which resulted from many things and the boy's indifference to my presence was not the only one.

This dream...

"Why did I have this shit on my face?" I asked angrily, crushing the newspaper into a ball. I fought the temptation not to throw this paper bullet straight at Lee's head.

"I didn't want the light to wake you up," he replied quietly, without interrupting his occupation, even though I really didn't think any forests and woods were more interesting than I was. After all, I felt uncomfortable because a slight warmth spilled inside me as a result of his words. I cleared throat nervously, as if thanks to which I was able to choke out that pleasant tingling that was on my heart.

This dream had a specific form. The accused, guilty and accidental victim were clearly outlined in it. The scenery was nicely sketched, reflecting the specific atmosphere, which nicely visualized thoughts that have been swirling in my head for a long time. Following the concept of Freud, the more I push Luke's figure into the unconscious sphere, the more often and more intensely it will float to the surface in times of my powerlessness in mind.

I glanced at Hyuck's back, feeling that his presence in my life was like a damn fate. The moment I practically accepted the death of my boyfriend, suddenly Mr. Lee - a new friend of the family - jumps out of the alley. Very similar visually, he confuses my mind and makes me don't know what to think about it anymore.

_You can't just deny the past, Mark. It'll come back to you sooner or later and you won't have anything to say when it starts to make its order._

I believed deeply all this time that I had come to terms with old times. I accepted Luke's death and stopped seeing him in Donghyuck. I even began to notice glaring differences between them, which in truth concerned mainly the character but because of that my perception changed radically. I felt like a traitor, although Luke had been a dead body for a long time. I should go on living because I won't resurrect him anyway but being near Hyuck I felt guilty. This wine was so hurtful that I hated brunet, craving with all my strength. This led to devastation in my head.

_By denying the past, you'll never be able to exist in the present._

"Where is Steven?" I murmured, wanting to abandon these thoughts more pleasantly for a moment and somehow return to the reality that surrounds me. Now it was the most important.

"Marco" explained calmly. "They discuss something important supposedly. When he comes back, you have to go to the boss," he breathed, clicking the mouse a few times in a row.

"You don't know what they are talking about?" I tried to keep the conversation going but...

"No"... Hyuck decided to cut it dry, until I lost all desire to do so.

I closed eyelids, clutching head. According to the watch, I slept only three hours, so it wasn't enough time to rest, which resulted in a headache.

_Click._

_Click._

_Click._

I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. I swore to myself that if I heard the series of shots again, I would put those clicking fingers in his ass. The mouse's echo was still somewhere in the air in the dead silence, driving me crazy. I got up slowly from the couch, wanting to stretch my legs after spending the night on this medieval torture instrument. However, the presence of Donghyuck ignoring me in the same room had a strange effect on me. That's why my gaze focused involuntarily on him again. At the same time, I couldn't help feeling that since I woke up the boy had the same map on the screen. I didn't understand what was so fascinating about it but apparently I wasn't begotten of love to cartography and all these isolines didn't tell me much.

I bumped my ass into Steven's chair, crossing arms over chest. I narrowed eyes, closely watching the brunet's face. I thought it was a miracle that he wouldn't react to my presence. I just couldn't understand it, since... Exactly. Since what? Since I fucked him? I ran with hand slowly across the back of my neck. On average, such a scenario was sticking together.

"Are you not going to talk to me?" I asked with a hint of resentment.

"Why would I do that?" he murmured without even looking my way. I raised eyebrows in surprise. I understand that we may not have had close relations but I didn't think I would give him sufficient grounds to sip such venom.

"To improve our cooperation?" I proposed.

"I don't feel the need," he sighed quietly, frowning. His irritation indicated that I was interrupting him in doing extremely important work. Bullshit; window dressing.

I glanced at his laptop screen, rolling my eyes. It seemed that he preferred to remember each building in the city one after another rather than have a word with me.

"Did I not tell you sometimes to end up being insolent?" I asked, referring to our conversation from last week. Today was the first time since its implementation, as we saw each other. "It seems to me that you can't separate the offense of private life from work," I noticed, adding a point to the ranking of verbal clashes. Officially nobody knew about it but keeping such a table in my head increased my self-esteem.

"So I am supposed to be privately grateful to you for sexual abuse and here we should be friends and pretend that real life doesn't take place?" he asked sarcastically, staring at me coldly. I think it was a bad day because I really felt like shivering. I was surprised that such a small body can hide such a dose of contempt. After a moment, Hyuck smiled mockingly, returning to studying the roads of Norfolk. I clenched my jaw, killing him with eyes. I refrained from unnecessary comments because Steven entered the room. If it wasn't for the man, this chestnut haired faggot would have been lying on the floor under me a long time ago. "Don't try to make me laugh because you're not funny at all," he whispered weakly, as if he were feeling sad instead of joy. Under the influence of his words, my gaze seemed to soften because I felt a note in them that caused remorse.

"What is such a tense atmosphere here?" Steve asked, standing over me. "Get the fuck out of my chair, small potatoes" he commanded imperiously in the tone of a strapper from the ring, which he definitely wasn't. I rolled my eyes and rose momentarily. The seat grunted from my weight. "Go to Marco," he said, leaning slowly on the armrests of Donghyuck's chair, automatically leaning over him from behind. I raised one eyebrow up, looking for a provocation in his action. "You found something?" he asked calmly. The boy shook his head.

"I don't think the map is up to date," he sighed in resignation. "I'll have to go there myself and check it out."

"Okay," Steven readily agreed, rubbing his hair, then sat down in the place I warmed up. I snorted in disdain internally and outwardly bettering the hood of my sweatshirt, then left the room.

I wondered if the man wanted to prove anything to me in a strange way, if this special treatment of Lee had some other, unspecified reason. Their cooperation seemed to be smooth and harmonious, which normally wouldn't seem to be anything wrong. The problem was that Steven didn't like working with other people and was afraid of allowing anyone to collect the data he had collected himself. I was irritated by the fact that with his access to all documents, he knows much more about Hyuck than I do. This situation was unacceptable, since I was destined to take controll over my property for my own cooperation.

I wasn't jealous. I just felt irritated at the thought that someone was more informed than I was. That's all.

I greeted with a nod with Vernon, who seemed surprised by my lack of biting comment but I wasn't in the mood to tease anyone today. Fatigue was so bad that when I entered Marco's office, I headed straight for a comfortable leather couch imported from Italy. A paradise for distorted bones.

"Hi" I moaned, sinking with bliss into soft material.

"Forgive me so suddenly," he replied dispassionately. "But earier there was no time to deal with all these matters and now that the situation has stabilized a bit, I found that the time was right," he explained.

"I understand," I said, closing eyes. "Let's close these shit formalities."

♥

**[donghyuck]**

I walked slowly down the dark corridor, playing for time. When Marco wanted to see me, it didn't mean anything pleasant and usually associated with overtime. I wouldn't mind if it wasn't for the fact that I simply lacked space in the day to add more. I really didn't complain about the excess of free time.

When I entered the boss's office, I felt trouble in the air and when I was already inside, I felt Minhyung. Our relationship was rather based on unspecified foundations and I rarely had the mood to penetrate its origins. Just a man sprawled on the sofa in the corner aroused extreme, strongly opposing emotions inside of me. Since he lent me his sweatshirt, these emotions have become even more complicated. At the same time, I hated him and felt stomach cramp at his sight, which rather wasn't the result of hatred. I didn't understand how in one person the struggle for someone else's death and the overwhelming desire to be literally fucked by this person can fight with each other. I found that there was probably something wrong with me and my father probably just hit my head too many times.

"You wanted to see me, boss," I said shyly, feeling a little awkward with Mark with all these formalities. I had the impression that he was mocking me and judging me internally. I tried to ignore this feeling with all my might but his presence created an aura of mockery in my head. At the moment I felt like an actor in ancient comedy, playing the role of a ridiculed half-brain.

"Indeed, I wanted to," he admitted, putting the gun on the desk. I glanced at it discreetly but quickly focused my attention again on Perez. The man leaned back in his armchair. "There will be a banquet soon in New Haven," he explained flatly. He was clearly tired today, which was reflected in his expression. Marco lit one of his imported expensive cigars. "All the important representatives of the drug cartels and weapon dealers will come together. Such a normal meeting; we can say exhibition-business, "he muttered, showing a hand gesture half-half. "Nothing important enough for me to appear there in person but important enough for someone from us to be on the attendance list. That looks good later in the papers at the top, "he nodded seriously. "You'll go there with Mark," he said slowly and I discreetly swallowed. My eyes went automatically towards the boy sitting on the sofa. He was also looking at me. However, this was not his typical stupid look but rather one of the more serious, analyzing ones. I couldn't decipher it at the moment. He remained inscrutable to me. All I knew for sure was that I didn't want to be in the same car with him. Certainly not in private. I was afraid of what would result from this combination of space and two unusual characters. "Any problem?" Marco asked suddenly, freeing me from my thoughts.

"No," I whispered weakly, still looking into the sharp blackness of Minhyung's eyes. Although his facial expression was unshakable, he knew. He knew I was afraid of him. "No problem at all."

♥

**[minhyung]**

"He didn't look any dying happy," Marco thought thoughtfully when Donghyuck left his office.

"I don't think we get along well," I replied without much emotion, still staring at where the boy stood. The way he looked at me didn't leave me unnecessary illusions about our relationship. He was really afraid of staying with me in one room for longer than expected in the regulations. Because of this, there was a certain breakdown in me, which I think people normally called remorse.

"Try to fix it," Perez ordered. "I want to make you a very efficient and harmonious duo. I don't have many trusted people." He sighed heavily with obvious bitterness. "I hope you will become good mates."

"Then show me the rest of the information about him," I said suddenly in a fit of unexpected thought. Marco gave me a badly defective Lee briefcase. The documentation I received didn't even say much about him. And I wanted more. I finally wanted to get to know him better.

"If you want these papers so badly, make him trust you and tell you their content," he laughed slyly, as if it were a game. As if it was a trap that Hyuck would fall into if he really told me anything about himself. "Do you like this challenge?" he asked suspiciously, challenging me.

"If I say something stupid that offends him severely, we certainly won't be able to establish any bond," I said angrily. I was irritated by this permanent state of ignorance. I was irritated by the fact that I can't know everything about this boy here and now. "He'll start avoiding me at all," Perez looked at me with a suggestion that the word play I used was far more childish than I thought. For him, such a psychological approach didn't make impression at all. Still, he muttered something very unflattering under his breath and bent under the desk, where he kept those important folders and other documents. I felt victory under my skin. After a moment Marco straightened up deftly and began to review the navy blue folder. He stared at a fragment of documents for some time, until he unhooked a file about fifty pages from the inside and threw the rest at me and put the unhooked fragment into the desk drawer, which he cleverly locked. I frowned.

"Keep it," he murmured reluctantly, as if he were telling me a really great secret, which I took from him for beautiful eyes. With the fragment of documents unhooked in mind, I noted that something could have been on the line.

"Thank you," I replied, pleased but also very surprised that there was so much information about such an inconspicuous boy as Donghyuck. "I will make good use of it," I assured, looking at the papers from each side and wondering when I'll deserve to get an insight into what was currently lying at the bottom of the closely guarded drawer.

♥

**[donghyuck]**

When I saw Minhyung going into the driveway, my hands began to genuinely sweat. This was by no means the result of the weather, which among the recent anomalies decided to bring hotness and closeness today. The prospect of spending a few hours with boy in one car made me shiver with excitement and fear. I couldn't tame it, constantly brushing against the golden mean of our relationship, but never being able to really achieve it.

I looked in the mirror in the corridor to see if I looked appropriate for the meeting I was to attend. Nothing better than a white shirt and suit pants came to mind and I didn't want to bother Steven with some stupid questions. In addition, I didn't have better clothes anyway, so in case I felt justified just before myself.

As I walked towards Mark's car, I felt all the awkwardness of the situation that both ensnared us. For people who almost don't talk to each other and don't know anything about themselves, we have shared surprisingly many intimate moments. That's why I got in the car with throat squeezed.

"Hi," I just said, throwing jacket behind the back seat, where Lee's was already lying. I breathed a sigh of relief that I aimed at least once in bargains.

"Hey" black-haired sighed in response, not even looking in my direction, for which I was extremely grateful to him. He didn't look impressed by my company, so I was pleased to see that I could count on mutual silence all the way. Zero artificial conversation.

Due to global warming, we have now reached a terrible moment when Monday mornings start at temperatures plus fifty and end at minus forty. Today we had such weather, during which even the air conditioning turned out to be powerless. We hoped that windows open on both sides would give some effect. After all, I liked it when it was warm, if it weren't for the rain of course. I looked up uncertainly, noticing the darkening clouds that seemed to follow us as if we were in the middle of an escape.

I glanced uncertainly at Minhyung, who had not said a word in an hour. It wouldn't be that surprising if he did not always have some golden thought that he had to share. I came to the conclusion that he had to think about something or just have the type of bad mood that everyone has the right to. I decided to ignore it because it really doesn't matter to me. However, I had to admit that Mark looked exceptionally good today. It wasn't often that I had the opportunity to see him in an elegant outfit. He usually walked in the corridors in some ordinary, sometimes crumpled and too-large clothes. Neat Minhyung was Minhyung more pleasing to the eye. His posture (one hand on the steering wheel, the other bent at the elbow on the door and casually supporting his head) was also quite attractive in his own way.

I looked away from the boy, looking out the window again at the landscape. For several minutes we have been driving along a road surrounded by fields and not a single living soul. I didn't ask where we were. I completely relied on Lee, who probably knew the entire route by heart. When it came to insights in the field, I trusted him completely. 

On the radio, after an interview, songs that I didn't know began to play, although they were reportedly the hot hits of recent months. I was grateful to Minhyung when he switched the station to something completely different. I had the impression that he too couldn't keep up with all that was happening around us. I closed eyes for a moment, giving summer air masses to brush my face. In the background, an anonymous woman told listeners a story about meeting her best friend. It wasn't unusual or fascinating. I doubted that it was suitable for radio at all. But maybe people now wanted such ordinariness, ordinary stories, ordinary people. In the current rush of life it is sometimes difficult to find time for ordinary things.

"How did you meet Marco?" I asked, not even fully aware of it. It somehow flowed in from me naturally, almost without reflection.

"Hmmm..." the boy muttered after a moment, as if he had to have a few secs to wonder what it was actually like. "By Isabelle," he finally admitted. "She led me to him when I was sixteen. She had been there for over a year that time, "he said calmly. "I saw a prospect in it but I don't know what Marco saw," he shook head, as if it were indeed a strange puzzle of his life, which despite the passage of years, he still couldn't solve. "Why are you asking so suddenly?" he looked at me with the words he said.

"No reason" I said, looking away quickly. I realized how pointless it was. I knew perfectly well how Lee was in the mafia. Somewhere inside, I was just stupid enough to think that I wanted to hear the boy's voice for at least a second.

"And you?" Minhyung cleared his throat after a moment, as if to spit out an awkward note outside window. Immediately I ossified, although the sun was hot. I decided to pretend I didn't hear his question in the hope that he would be embarrassed and not ask it again. "How did you got to the basement?" he specified when I still didn't answer. I tightened eyelids, cursing my own stupidity. Why did I suddenly want to talk to him? I could keep quiet and pretend I didn't exist.

"It's a long story," I said evasively, clutching thighs tightly.

"I think we have enough time," Mark said in spite of my inner pleas. "We still have a long way to go," he sighed, as if the very prospect of it was already tiring him from the start.

"I will bore you to death" I tried again to somehow discourage boy from entering my past. At the same time, I was constantly trying to think of any story that sounded reasonably credible.

"Your resistance stimulates my curiosity even more," he laughed, slowing slightly before riding off the asphalt onto a sandy road. I was wondering why someone from the family couldn't call him now, as in the movies. "If you don't want to talk about it..." a thought started but he didn't finish it. Instead, he stopped the car at the side of the road, giving me cold chills. I had some weird déja vu waiting for the sentence flowing from his lips to complete the previous sentence: _...I will force you._ "What's going on?" he whispered to himself, turning the keys in the ignition slowly. The engine didn't even answer. I wanted to cover my face with hands and laugh hysterically at my ridiculous thoughts. However, I received the news that the prospect of getting stuck in this wasteland is also not amazing. "Fuck it, just great" Minhyung snapped, his arms around the steering wheel in the center of which he rested forehead.

"We can't call for help, can we?" I asked, wondering if the boards were definitely fake.

"No," he murmured, looking at me with his hopeful look. I raised eyebrows slightly. "Can you rummage under the hood?" he whispered suddenly, as if saying it aloud could destroy any way of saving. I shook head however and Mark closed eyes, biting lower lip. "We're in the ass," he said after a moment with an apocalyptic sigh.

♥

**[minhyung]**

When the GPS on the phone showed me that we have seven kilometers to any civilization, I realized that it could have been much worse. We were simply forced to arrange a small walk and then order a taxi and go home. Marco got a bit annoyed because we had to leave the car, he had to quickly mobilize Steven so that anyone would appear at the weapon fair and we had to spend a lot of time cleaning the car if it wasn't possible to recover it later. After all, it could always be worse, I thought.

I glanced from under the sweaty bangs at Donghyuck and had to admit that he was doing great for such heat. I didn't notice any signs of fatigue, sweating or irritation at all with it. He just walked slowly beside me, looking under feet and keeping a safe distance between our bodies. I really felt offended by the thought that he probably considered me some kind of psychopath and pervert. Maybe I'm not an exemplary citizen and the boy's intimacy has been violated in some way but he should also be aware of the fact that somewhere else there are much worse people than me. In fact, I didn't think I was a degenerate. I was hoping he didn't put me in this category yet.

"Have you ever been to warm countries?" I asked, wanting to start a conversation somehow.

"No," he answered shortly, avoiding the larger pebble that came in his way. I would have probably kicked it but brown haired rather didn't belong to aggressive people. "Why this question?" he was surprised after a moment, when I thought that our conversation had died of natural causes.

"You hardly react to this closeness," I noticed, rubbing my forehead with the sleeve of shirt.

"I just don't think about it, maybe that's why," he replied calmly, making me realize how taciturn he was. When I conducted a quick analysis of his statements, most of them were limited to nodding, agreeing, accepting orders and short, concise answers. Of course, I didn't count on the conversation in which he promised me that he would shoot my balls when I start getting to him. I smiled under breath. A lovely boy. "Hey, let's turn back," he said suddenly, standing still. He spread hands aside. "Sprinkles."

"It'll probably stop soon" I waved him off. We didn't go far at all, so if we were caught up in a storm any further, we could end badly. "We're not made of sugar," I comforted him.

"Then go on alone, I'm going back," he announced, looking up at the sky with fear. I rolled eyes and was about to give a monologue about how much we would get nowhere, if we would keep this pace, but I was interrupted by a strong breeze that brought even darker clouds than they were a second ago. "But I advise you to be on the safe side just in case," he added uncertainly, seeing my hesitant face. Finally he moved ahead, leaving me a little behind. I glanced toward the asphalt, which we didn't really have much to reach, fighting with ourselves so as not to give a deal in that direction, regardless of the moralizing promptings of reason and the call for common sense. In the end, neither of them contributed to my final decision.

"What the fuck...," I whispered, looking at Armageddon, that was approaching us from the forest through the field and looked as if it was not going to leave a living soul on its path of destruction. "Run!" I screamed at Donghyuck, immediately rushing towards him. The boy turned with confusion written on his face but quickly saw the gray sheet of rain behind me and frantically moved forward.

"I said it will lash down, you fucking moron," he shouted, ignoring the behaviour etiquette. I was already about to teach him some manners when I felt a cold wave of rain hit me. I choked on the air from the thermal shock I experienced on my skin.

Donghyuck was only a bit ahead of me but somehow I couldn't catch him. It was ridiculous because I had longer legs and rather better running predispositions in this duo. The kid was very fast and, contrary to all appearances, under this layer of loose clothes that he always wore, probably some muscles were hidden. I haven't checked it yet but we had time for it.

Suddenly I started laughing..

Just like that.

This whole day from beginning to end was one big failure. The tragedy of the situation was so momentous that it was really funny. I never expected that my professional affairs could turn out so bad for me.

When I was slowly losing strength and my muscles refused to cooperate, a car loomed in the distance, which was the only motivation for me not to fall on the road and die from exhaustion. The only plus was that when the storm caught us, we were at the beginning of our path, not halfway, because the decision to return could be much more difficult to make.

But as I caught up with Donghyuck, my expression thinned. At first I thought that the discoloration that had suddenly appeared on his shirt was just ordinary stains. I didn't think about how they could appear on the material that was previously snow-white. You don't think about these things right away. It came to me much later when I had a boy at fingertips. I noticed that the marks I had previously considered stains were in fact a web of many blue and purple slashes that covered his entire back. They were literally everywhere, clearly breaking through the material, hurting my eyes. These were not the wounds a boy his age should have. Such injuries were... I don't know, soldiers from the wars in Afghanistan, prisoners of war or hostages in our basements. Sometimes even street hooligans did not get out of fights in a similar condition.

This discovery clogged me to such an extent that I couldn't keep going. I stopped at the trunk of the car, allowing the brunet to slip inside first. For the first time I couldn't deal with other people. I knew I'd have to pretend I didn't see anything. However, the image of Hyuck's tattered back was engraved in my memory and I didn't know how to get rid of it.

When entering the car, I had only one question in my head that didn't seem to leave me.

_How many times have you fallen, my little angel?_


	15. Diaries of the past: Seth

[ **5 years earlier** ]

[ **donghyuck** ]

I slowly lifted the ball after ball, counting slowly to sixty seconds between picking up each of them. We were in the class of twenty-four people, one ball per pair, which gave us twelve balls to warm up, that makes twelve minutes to gather all of them. Another three minutes to see around the hall and an additional ten to fold the volleyball net and close the teacher's office, then three to give the key to the duty room and three to return to the locker room. 

In total thirty-one minutes. 

After that time, there was never anyone else in the locker room and I could change in peace.

Without fear of anybody seeing my beaten body.

I had an hour and a half before the boys from the basketball team started training. It has always been this way. Twice weekly. I felt that I couldn't go on unnoticed forever. In the end, I was pushover from a small age. Pushovers will always attract people who are mentally weaker but with physical strength and rich parents. Especially the slit pushovers.

"You always change last", I heard from inside of changing room when I opened my locker. A shiver went through me. It was Dylan. "We're very interested in what you hide under your shirt, Lee," he added when was very close. He slammed the metal door of my locker, looking at me with a smile. As usual, he was assisted by two of the same doormats as I was. Only with slightly more financial possibilities. I looked at the three of them in horror, taking a few steps back.

"N-nothing" I stammered, cursing myself for that tone. As usual, I didn't improve anything with it. I pushed myself to be the victim. I was weak.

"Come on," Dylan kept coming toward me. Finally, the locker room's wall rose behind me.

"Give me a rest" I shook head from side to side, feeling tears in eyes. Often in such moments I wondered if it would always look like this? I'll be humiliated forever, for the rest of my life?

"Undress him, boys," Dylan ordered his two brainless footrests in an brooking noopposition tone.

When they got me, I didn't even protest anymore. At first reflex I started to struggle a bit but then I gave up completely. I was only making the situation worse. They were more agitated, the aggression escalated and the violence left only greater damage on my body. I let them pull off my PE shirt and push me straight to the floor like a punching bag. Who cared? I didn't care anymore. The boys started laughing in triumph over the frail, thin Korean and I was just lying on the floor listening for them to leave.

"You think that what you just did?" I suddenly heard an angry, unknown voice. I glanced at the corner of my eye at Dylan, who got in the way of the tall boy I was familiar with by sight. He played in our basketball team. Sometimes I was sneaking into his team's trainings to watch him play. I was doing homework on the stands and spinning unreal fatasies that someday someone like him would pay attention to me and take care of me so that I wouldn't have to be afraid of anything. That he would take me from my father and make it possible that nobody would ever raise hand at me. 

That nobody would ever hurt me again.

"Who the fuck are you?" Dylan tried to play a big man but his voice was no longer as confident as when he gave his piglets an order to raze me to the ground. The tall blond man in response raised only surprised eyebrows and grabbed the younger by the neck and then pushed with all his strength into the row of lockers that stood on his left. Feeling a little more confident, I sat down against the wall, hugging my arms. I pressed knees tightly to the chest, noticing with surprise that I was shaking.

"Why don't you laugh anymore?" the blond man asked Dylan, crouching over him. "Your belly has just burst with amusement," he noted, moving closer to my torturer. I sniffed, blinking faster to get rid of tears. I wanted to see clearly how at least once in my life Dylan was getting punched from someone stronger than himself. "Did you shit yourself already?" he asked in a grave tone, punching the locker next to Dylan's head. An unpleasant sound spread throughout the changing room and the boy covered his head with hands. "Give me the shirt," the tall blond man demanded, instead of smashing his head. Dylan nodded quickly and began to take off his t-shirt. "Not yours, dumb asshole" the blond shook his head in disgust, snatching my shirt from Dylan's hands. He didn't enjoy his trophy for too long. The tall boy stood up unhurriedly, flicking white t-shirt and looked at it critically. He squatted down again at Dylan. "Tomorrow you have to bring it to me washed, ironed and starched, do you understand?" he asked, grabbing the boy's jaw to make eye contact with him. Dylan confirmed. "If I will see you ever again near Donghyuck, I will blow your head off," he said surprisingly calmly, which took me aback much more than the fact he knew my name. "Understood?" Dylan silently confirmed. "So since you have mastered nodding, get the fuck out of here while you have all the bones in place," he growled, pushing the boy behind his head towards the floor. Dylan jumped up, stumbling twice before disappearing quickly behind the lockers and started to leave in a panic. His colleagues disappeared much faster than he did, confirming how great friends and support they are to each other.

There was a moment's silence in the room.

"Everything's okay?" the boy finally asked, looking at me uncertainly but with visible warmth in eyes. In response, I sniffed and murmured indistinct _yes_.

"Thank you," I whispered as he reached out his hand. I tightened hold on it gratefully, uncertainly returning to the vertical. I knew I was all bruised and my back was red from father's belt, so I quickly embraced myself with arms and sat on the bench, pressing back against the cold lockers. I didn't quite know how to behave now. I didn't want to run into this guy in such conditions. Rather, I preferred him to catch me as I fall down the stairs with a pile of books, tripping over my own legs. After all, that's how it started in the movies.

"Do I... you know... can I?" he finally asked, holding a tube of ointment for bruises in his hand. I looked at him uncertainly for a long moment, then nodded unconsciously. The blond man smiled with joy and quickly sat down behind me, turning me gently with back to him.

He didn't comment on anything.

He just started running his finger with a cool gel over the redness on my body. He didn't ask anything, he didn't penetrate anything. He just smartened me in silence. Sob flooded in my chest.

I hated who I was.

I hated my father for who he made me.

I hated that I had to be ashamed.

"Ready" blond sighed heavily, rummaging in his sports bag. He took out a gray sweatshirt with the logo of our basketball team and pulled it towards me. "I only have it," he said as I carefully picked it up from him. Some part of me didn't want to explain to him that I had my clothes. Somehow I felt that he wanted me to take this sweatshirt and I wanted to take it very badly as well. I dragged it carefully over head and slowly stood up, noticing that I was literally drowning in it. The edge reached to my knees. "It suits you," the boy started laughing. And I involuntarily smiled.

"New dress into my collection" I pointed out with amusement. "Thank you," I whispered, looking at him shyly. I think I blushed. The blond looked at me closely for a moment, then bit his lower lip.

"I'm Seth by the way," he reached hand out to me, wiping it unobtrusively on his pants before. Indeed, it was slightly sweaty when our skin came in contact.

"Hyuck," I said, squeezing his hand, which he didn't release at once. "But I think you know that," I noticed, reminding myself that he had used my full name while scaring Dylan.

"That came out wrong." the basketball player laughed awkwardly, fleeing his eyes. He began to stick fingers nervously in neck.

"How do you know me?" I asked. I've watched him for a year and I didn't know him by name. I wondered how a handsome and popular white boy knew the name of such a Korean school pushover from a social margin like me.

"How can you not know the name of the person you like?" he murmured, getting up quickly from the bench. I was stunned. I stood there and watched in amazement as he opened an empty locker, where he decided to push his things into.

"Hm?" I murmured in response after a long silence. I needed time to get over the stupor and possibly accept that I had overheard.

"Will you stay in training?" Seth asked suddenly hopefully, stepping from foot to foot. "I will walk you home later," he promised, as if it were really the thing I would worry about now.

"Do you know where I live as well?" I joked, gathering a little courage. I was shocked that I actually really was flirting with this blond basketball player. It seemed ridiculous but it seemed somehow true.

"No but I really want to know," he admitted honestly, watching me uneasily in concentration. We looked at each other for a long time in anticipation. For me it wasn't such an easy decision. I wasn't convinced that my house was suitable to get to know it. I didn't mean to scare him when we don't know each other at all.

"Okay, I'll stay," I said with great uncertainty, not completely determined as to whether I had done the right thing.

"Great" Seth, however, was very happy and grinned, which I almost immediately mirrored.

I smiled for the first time in a long time.

Just like that.


	16. Kinds of feelings

**[late july / august 2019]**

**[minhyung]**

The way back passed in silence. Donghyuck seemed deeply moved by the rain. I was deeply moved that I saw what I saw on his back. And Vernon was simply unhappy with the fact that he had to pick us up somewhere in the middle of nowhere. No one in the car wanted to speak, everyone in their thoughts was looking for the meaning of life somewhere behind the glass of the car.

As the kilometers lapsed, drops of water hit the car windows less and less, until at the entrance to the city, the soft knocking completely ceased. The sun slowly began to look at us through the clouds and people began to go out into the streets. Unknown music was playing on the radio again. The world was coming back to normal. Only I was changed, somehow restless. Something was different.

"Get out, I'm in a hurry," the security guard murmured as we stood under my block. Just like when driving - we silently got outside and stood on the sidewalk for a while, looking behind the departing car.

"See you then," Hyuck said suddenly, turning his back on me. I looked at him in surprise.

"But how are you going to get home?" I asked, feeling how the disgusting wet shirt was drying slowly on my body. I felt like a wet dog and probably smelled the same.

"On foot," he said, as if I were asking stupid questions. Maybe I asked. Since I started driving, I have forgotten that you can move differently. We looked at each other for a while in a lack of understanding.

"No" I shook head in denial. "Come upstairs. You can't go home like that."

"Believe me, I will manage."

"Believe me, I am not asking you for your fucking opinion."

"I'm deeply shocked then," he said sarcastically and I rolled my eyes.

"Come on, don't whine," I sighed heavily, looking at him expectantly. "You'll catch a cold if you don't change" I tried calmer and this time it worked. After a moment's hesitation, Donghyuck followed me toward the building.

When we were going up in the elevator, I couldn't stop thinking about the wounds on his back. There had to be an answer in Marco's file. Unfortunately, the documents were still at the bottom of my bedside table. I didn't have a time to look at them by now and curiosity burned me from the inside. Before leaving, I had no chance to look inside. I was too absorbed in thoughts that we would spend so many hours in one car next to each other.

This little shit was driving me crazy.

Donghyuck stood calmly and stared straight ahead as we climbed the next floors that seemed to hold us in place for eternity. He was in a completely different world all the way, as if catching by the rain was the end of the world and getting wet put him in a state of severe depression.

Donghyuck was a mystery to me.

A fucking puzzle I had to solve.

In the end we stood on the right floor. I found myself thinking if I should let him go first at door but later I came to conclusion that it would probably have to fuck me completely. After all, this is my apartment, for God's sake, and Hyuck isn't some kind of chick met at party but just a friend from work. Very pretty work friend but still a friend. 

A friend whom I fucked several times.

"Make yourself comfortable" I muttered under breath, throwing the keys on the living room table. "I'll go find some clothes for you," announced, walking up the stairs through the kitchen to the locked room. When I opened the wardrobe and began to study its contents, I realized that I was unknowingly looking for clothes that could suit Hyuck. If someone else were standing in my living room now, I would choose the first rags and did not even wonder if they would fit their height. I'll just skip the fact that I wouldn't invite here anyone else in my life. It irritated me.

I sighed heavily, shaking head. I took off the orange hoodie from the hanger. I wouldn't dress it anyways and Donghyuck was in that one percent of the people in the world whom orange really suited. I rolled eyes. I didn't believe that I really started thinking about such things. To drown out remorse, I didn't think too much about pants. I picked up some black tracksuits, embarrassedly dug a set of underwear from the dresser and left the room.

Hyuck stood in the same place where I left him. He embraced his arms and looked blankly out the window at the increasingly shining city. I watched him from a distance for a moment, concluding that he seemed really delicate and fragile. At least seemingly. And especially today. I didn't doubt that when he wanted to, he could knock everyone down verbally but in physical clashes he had no chance for me. And I didn't want him to be hurt ever again.

I grunted to get his attention. A shiver went through Hyuck. It was good to know that he isn't always so alert at full speed. I approached the boy, turning on the kitchen light on the way. I didn't want to implement a too casual atmosphere between us, so I hoped that he would understand the allusion that he could handle himself everywhere without asking me for my opinion. I pulled out a set of clothes towards him, which he took from me in silence, avoiding any physical contact. It suited me today as well.

"Bathroom..." I started uncertainly, turning towards the said room. Donghyuck interrupted me.

"I know where the bathroom is, thanks," he whispered, hugging my clothes to his chest. I looked at him suspiciously. "I carried your things here before you moved in, Minhyung," he explained mockingly. I think he was very tired. "Don't make paranoid conspiracy theories in your head or you'll go crazy," he sighed heavily as he walked toward the toilet. When the door closed behind him with a deaf slam, I snorted in disbelief.

"I don't do that at all," I muttered under my breath as I approached the windows with a crystal ashtray in my hand. I took a cigarette out of the packet - first one today.

Evening found us in the apartment and New York was slowly getting ready to sleep.

♥

**[donghyuck]**

When the sound of draining water came from the shower, I took advantage of Minhyung's silent invitation and began rummaging through the kitchen cabinets. Seriously, this guy really couldn't verbalize the simplest things. Guest master - say _make yourself comfortable_ , then leave somebody alone in a dark living room and disappear somewhere in another room. I rolled my eyes. He was pissing me off so much, I swear to god...

I rolled up sleeves of a large orange sweatshirt and stood on my toes to reach the tea, which must of course be on the highest possible shelf. I sneezed. Sickness seemd to be coming. Fantastic.

Since Minhyung didn't make any special restrictions on me, I decided to sit on the couch in the living room and turn on the TV. Somehow I had to drown out the malaise that was coming to me in a wave of recurring bad memories. Sitting in the dark in a quiet, empty apartment of a stranger would certainly not help me deal with the bane of the past. Watching other people's lives on the screen has always had some soothing properties for me.

Finally, I heard the sound of the door opening but I decided not to turn around until I could smell the shower gel behind me, which I myself was soaked with. I looked at Minhyung, who was carefully watching what was happening on the screen, wiping his wet hair with a small towel.

"Oh, Harry Potter has come," I joked, noting his glasses that I had never seen him before. I assumed that he didn't show up in public that way.

"Piss off," he said with a smile, tossing the wet towel over his shoulder.

"Did I say it is bad?" I asked, resting my head on the back of the couch. We looked at each other for a long time in silence untill Mark looked away and shrugged.

"What are you watching?" he asked, walking the couch around, then sat down next to me at its other end, keeping a safe distance between our bodies. Given how we acted on each other, it was probably a very sensible move.

" _My 600-lb Life_ " I explained, as if the scene of a running fat man didn't speak for itself.

"Sleazily" winced, hugging the pillow to his chest. I shrugged and watched the program in silence for a moment. Mark didn't comment on anything for the first time, he didn't fuck to anything and kept for himself his stupid comments. He watched calmly until the commercial break. "It doesn't disgust you?" he got interested, transfering his eyes from the TLC programme format to me.

"Not at all" I denied. I really liked this program a lot. "I always feel like crying about it," I admitted in a fit of sudden sincerity. I didn't think there was anything to be ashamed of here but I knew that Mark was not capable of greater emotions, also crying on a program about fat people might seem abstract to him.

"Why?" he was surprised, lips quirked in disgust. He didn't react otherwise than I suspected him. He was extremely predictable.

"Because it's sad," I said straight from the shoulder. "These people really suffer," I explained to him, although I knew that an expression like other people's suffering is not necessarily in the most-searched phrases of his personal dictionary. Minhyung cares shit about someone else's suffering. Probably because of that he didn't comment on his statement and when the program returned after the commercials, he began to watch in silence.

I used to wonder if the boy wants to regain insight into his emotions. It was known that with our job it wouldn't work in his favor. However, constantly hearing that you don't understand something because you don't have feelings, also had to be somehow frustrating. There were days when I wondered if that was why he was so aggressive. Does his aggression come from the fact that he would love to have access to his inner world but illness makes it difficult for him. As far as I know, he attended therapy after leaving the center but hung it up after moving away from his mother. Feeling, he was useless to Marco. And Minhyung knew it, most likely giving up on himself so as not to lose the only place he belonged to now, where he was needed and appreciated. Feeling anything, he would lose this last place as an oasis. Therefore, he renounced his humanity in favor of blind belonging. To not be alone. To mean anything. 

At least that's how I saw it. I didn't know the boy on the background to draw such far-reaching conclusions after a few days of close cooperation. I could be wrong about him. But I didn't want to be very wrong.

"What kind of feeling is it?" he asked suddenly, pulling me out of my own world.

"Hm?" I murmured, not quite knowing what this question was striving for. "What do you mean?"

"How does it feel... to cry?" he clarified his question with considerable difficulty.

"You never cried?" I was surprised not wanting to sound mocking or judgmental. Minhyung opened up to me for the first time and let me into his world. I didn't want to miss this opportunity with something as stupid as choosing a wrong tone.

"I don't think so..." he finally said after a moment's thought, then looked at me closely.

"Hmmm..." I thought for a moment, sitting cross-legged facing him. "I think there are different types of crying, you know?" I started uncertainly, making sure that sharing my thoughts with him won't change into a strange lecture. However, since Minhyung was looking for a theoretical introduction to human behavior and emotions, I was going to do my best. Even if he was a total smacktard and asshole, of course. "You can cry with happiness, with sadness, with irritation," I listed, straightening my bent fingers when counting. "Then every cry is different and you feel different" I shrugged. Minhyung nodded.

"I see, thanks," he said, while giving me to understand that he didn't really understand anything. He returned to watch and I looked at the screen again. Today in the episode was the story of a woman who is unable to move alone. She needed a cane to slide down the bed, which she moved toward the edge of the sofa. And now she was crying in the shower because she couldn't stad for too long there and washing chafes with brush between skin folds caused her great pain.

"You know, you actually have all these kinds of crying in this program," I murmured thoughtfully, feeling that without understanding on Mark's side, my earlier words made no sense. We didn't have a mutual closure of topic. "People cry when they are sad because they are fat. Sometimes they also cry in pain because it is hard to keep such weight on their bones and their joints hurt. When they can't lose weight, they cry in irritation or powerlessness. When they lose weight, they cry with happiness and relief. Something like that..."

"You're good at it," Minhyung admitted, looking at me curiously. I started to laugh.

"They say so," I answered timidly. Mark also smiled. We both looked down at our hands. There were probably too many different emotions between us today to be able to work out something healthy. We behaved for a moment as if we had known each other for a long time but it wasn't true. 

Fiction that we really wanted to believe. 

Because we knew our bodies. 

Only bodies and nothing more. 

The silence between us was broken by the vibrations of my phone, which has so far been lying quietly on a table by the sofa. I leaned for him, picking up the glass. 

"It's Steven," I said, although I didn't have to explain myself. "He'll be in an hour," I added, locking the screen.

"You can stay the night..." Minhyung whispered unexpectedly, shrugging, when I gave him a surprised look. "If you want, of course," he said, so that this suggestion doesn't sound strange. It sounded all the same and he knew it.

"I'll feel awkward," I said truthfully. Even if we were to sleep separately with both hands on the quilt, I was still uncomfortable with it. I knew I wouldn't sleep at all. In addition, Minhyung did not live alone. He lived with Isabelle. I didn't want to interfere in the space of the apartment they shared. "And Steven is on the way anyway," I added after a long moment, as if feeling that it also had to be said.

"Whatever you like," Mark sighed heavily, reaching for the remote. He started jumping on programs.

"But thanks for the suggestions," I said honestly. "That's nice," I assured him.

"Nice..." he muttered under breath, smiling crookedly, as if I were saying a very annoying and tasteless joke. That's why I didn't speak anymore. I watched dynamically changing programs in silence and with a sense of newly created distance.

I think we are complicated.

♥

**[minhyung]**

"Why do people watch such things?" Hyuck muttered under breath, when in the race of the channels after some time we have come full circle again on TLC and just broadcast _Toddler & Tiaras_ was on.

"I have absolutely no idea," I said in disgust, wincing at all this kitsch. I was slowly beginning to understand why I wasn't watching TV. There was nothing here. I was paying for nothing. I switched to Investigation Discovery. Although I assumed that after work you shouldn't talk about work, I loved _Dr. G_ since childhood. Apparently there you have to look for the sources of my psychical deformation. "What would you do if you had to kill a man?" I suddenly asked Donghyuck. I was really curious what would happen if a situation arose where he would have no choice but to make that final shot. The boy looked at me with inscrutable eyes. As if he had already thought about it before.

"I really don't know," he shook head from side to side. "I can't imagine it," he sighed heavily.

"What blocks you from this?" I thought about it. I wanted to know his view of the matter. In the end I had to know what would happen to me if someone wanted to shoot me and I would only have to help Donghyuck.

I'm gonna die.

"I don't understand," he frowned.

"Why can't you kill?" I shrugged shoulders. There was silence between us for a moment.

"You don't really ask me seriously, right?," Donghyuck unexpectedly took on a slightly indignant tone of voice. "You are taking someone's life. That person is dying, "he said bluntly, as if I didn't fully understand the consequences of my own actions.

"I think it's logical," I smiled, answering him in the same tone. "Well, maybe it will surprise you, I attended biology classes," I added after a while, refraining with the rest of the force from adding _unlike you_. I felt that it would be a childish crossing of the border.

"Are you not moved by the fact that someone is left without a father, son or brother? That someone would lose a loved one? " Hyuck became more and more agitated at the lack of understanding and disbelief for my attitude towards the murder of others. Apparently we met a place of moral dispute from which, apart from a quarrel, there was no other way out.

"We all lose something in life," I sighed heavily, watching the autopsy on the screen calmly. But that was the truth.

"Would you say the same as if they'd killed somebody you love?" Hyuck asked with raised eyebrows and I was immediately reminded of the last dream I had. I swallowed, unable to take my eyes off the boy's intense gaze. _I wouldn't say the same_ , I thought but decided not to say it out loud. Steven also made it easier for me to get out of this situation by calling Hyuck. "I'm coming down" he whispered immediately after receiving the message that our friend is already standing under the block.

"Leave your stuff," I murmured, watching him gather to leave. "I'll bring it you to work tomorrow," I promised and he nodded. When he went down the hall, I bit my lip, looking at the blanket slung over the back of the chair. I rolled my eyes. _Screw it_. "Wait a moment" I sighed heavily as I followed him. Donghyuck gave me a curious look but took a precautionary step back when I came too close. I quickly threw a blanket over his shoulders, immediately compulsively grabbing the door handle. I opened the door as if to release all this awkwardness and embarrassment with my actions. "I don't have an umbrella and it's probably raining," I explained quickly, grunting. After all, simply admitting that I don't want him to be cold and sick is beyond my reach. That would be a clear concern. 

I avoid such things.

"Thanks" Hyuck laughed after a moment looking at me in astonishment. There was nothing to penetrate here. I didn't know why I reacted so strangely. "Until tomorrow, Minhyung," he added and as soon as he crossed my doorstep, I closed the door behind him.

"Someting fucked me completely," I sighed heavily, combing hair quickly with hand.

I have never considered myself a tactful person. Rather, I didn't care if I hurt someone with my words or give them pleasure. In the first place I always put the need to say my own thoughts out loud. My mother says that it was for this reason that I never had friends and the psychologist confirmed it with slightly softer words. Personally, I didn't feel affected by a similar diagnosis. I deeply respected the opinions of the public about me. I was an introvert and a loner, since I can remember, my life force certainly didn't consist of being in a herd or interacting with another unit. I liked to think of myself as an emotionally self-sufficient person who doesn't have to look for his reflection in the eyes of others. 

I created myself - my own form.

Everyone can then understand the pain of existence that I experienced today because my form has broken. It was violated by compassion and concern for another person. Making a quick examination of conscience, I saw my flaws, feeling uncomfortable with the awareness of having them for the first time.

I never thought that the matter of Hyuck's biography was so confusing. Although _confusing_ was rather wrong word. I could simply say that the boy had really been through a lot and I'd sooner cut someone's arm than let him raise it at boy. Actually, meeting Lee for the first time, I would not describe him as a victim of domestic violence. He behaved rather normally. Reviewing his briefcase wouldn't tempt me so much if it wasn't for our catastrophic trip. During this time I could still make many blunders. I made the first one, asking how he got into the mafia. I didn't plan to do any more.

Donghyuck's father was the most ordinary drunkard in the world. He rarely worked and stayed at home only when he had no money and it was too ugly outside to wander around the city. His main weakness was gambling and prostitutes, which was not cheap entertainment. And certainly not the entertainment of the Korean immigrant who begins here the run of the first generation looking for work and happiness in the United States. In the neighborhood eyes he was supposedly a harmless alcoholic but I didn't believe that these people had not noticed for so many years that he was terrorizing his own family. I would rather bet that they simply didn't want to see it, pretending that there is no problem or he will eventually disappear. And one day he disappeared. However, not as everyone suspected. Mr. Lee didn't die because of excess of sherbet in blood, which was most likely in his situation. The person who helped him leave this world was Marco. Of course not in person. The report says that Hyuck turned to him for help through a friend who had insight into the family situation. Perez suffered at that time from a deficit of people associated with thinning ranks thanks to Carl's betrayal. After learning about Hyuck's situation, he decided to do everything his own way in exchange for cooperation and starting a new life in a slightly different place.

_Whole two estates away_ , I thought sarcastically.

After a cursory view of this information, I was honestly surprised that Marco was so desperate to start getting people for just as trivial reasons as this. Later, however, I came to photos of Donghyuck's body. With a clear conscience I could admit that murderous instincts were born within me and old Lee was lucky to be dead because I'd love to take his ass personally. Pictures had to be taken quite shortly after the beating because in some places the back of the brunet were fusing navy blue-purple spots. One cut on the skin seemed to cover the previous ones or reopen yet unhealed. It was apparently the blue protrusion that I saw under his shirt. In order not to disappear for so many years, they had to be truly systematically repeated with particular cruelty. Even I myself said that you really have to be some kind of monster to beat your own child to unconsciousness. Hyuck in his conversation with Marco revealed that he often lost consciousness but always preferred that his father's anger be unloaded on him than on his mother. You can really get used to pain, but never to sight of suffering woman.

When I lived with my mother, I often saw Mrs. Lee. She always greeted the day with her head slightly lowered, as if she was afraid to make any eye contact. She was bustling around the house or coming back from the store. I considered her an exceptionally quiet and peaceful woman or simply handicapped or definitely not adapted to life with social phobia. There are such people. However, I didn't suspect that she might be mute. This discovery was a real shock for me, especially the circumstances in which it happened.

One day, as usual, Lee came home drunk and ready to fight. Donghyuck was not at home then. Some time earlier he escaped on a concert tour with his then boyfriend Seth, leaving his family behind. I couldn't be surprised. Who wouldn't want to escape from a place where they got spanked day by day for the very fact of existence. Brunet, however, described his escape from home as one of the biggest mistakes in life. During his absence, there was a quarrel between his parents. Apparently Mrs. Lee threatened her husband that if he didn't finally come to his senses, she would call the police and his alcoholic pranks would end. After a series of fists that took place in an act of aggression, Hyuck's father cut off his wife's tongue, saying that he couldn't stand her constant fucking and empty threats. He meant that she finally shut up and finished preaching and achieved his goal. Somehow, the neighbors finally reported this row to the police. When the patrol knocked on the door and then entered the apartment, the father slept on the couch and the mother was lying on the floor in a pool of her own blood. The documents showed that there was little chance of keeping her alive but when everything stabilized and the police tracked her son along with his boyfriend, Donghyuck swore he would never let any of them suffer again. At this point, the story loops and the boy after another beating by his father goes to Marco. It was his last beating but the man didn't know it yet.

In turn, I had the impression that I had already met Seth somewhere. His face was always following me but I couldn't assign it to a specific place or time. He couldn't be the person I had just passed on the street or met twice in the bar, despite everything, apparently, he was also not someone with whom I strongly shared the past. The image of the boy, however, disturbingly scratched me with an invisible tentacle over the brain and didn't want to give me peace. Seth and Hyuck went to one school but he was older for a total of three years; just my age. I didn't understand how a student almost last year could pay attention to the eighth or fifth year there. This is a child. What could a 17-year-old from a 14-year-old want? And yet something united them. Of course, Marco's knowledge didn't reach that far. I regretted it because getting to Seth's psychological portrait was crucial to me in getting to know Hyuck. However, it was a file and the specificity of the file was that they had some kind of preschool affair in their ass.

The blond was Lee's first and only boyfriend. It only meant that they had to love each other very much, since they had been with each other under the right assumptions about three or four years with such a difference in age. They parted for reasons that were not mentioned in the documents. However, it was clear that they were no longer in a relationship. You'd think they didn't have anything to do with them anymore but Hyuck still wore Seth's sweatshirt and apparently wore it without any sour expression. The person who could give me tht information is Jeno but I haven't seen him have a particularly passionate relationship with brunet lately. I didn't know Seth and I didn't know anything about him and I didn't plan to ask about it Donghyuck personally. In a word, I was at the end. For a moment it occurred to me that Steven might have some information he probably kept for himself. Steven knew everything about work and the people who did it. That was his hobby but I preferred not to risk the man creating a wrong picture based on my interest. The prospect of getting the rest of the information on my own didn't seem so bad. I didn't have any specific job at the moment, so the opportunity to fill my free time actually fell from the sky.

I was just wondering what exactly this would change. 

Will this whole investigation magically change my attitude towards Hyuck? 

For now, I was just curious. There was a secret and I always sought to elusive. I was afraid, however, that this knowledge would significantly affect my emotions.

And this was the biggest problem I saw.


	17. Lights that change perspective

**[august 2019]**

**[donghyuck]**

For a disgraceful trip two weeks ago ended in a rickety car, I paid a slight cold. I have easily caught various infections since I was a child; I was also expecting it. Convalescent leave was not an option here, so despite the remainder of the sickness, I stood calmly before entrance to work and smoked with Steven the last cigarette before all this shit will began.

"We'll get new software for testing today," he finally said when we were both in half of our cigarettes.

"Will we exchange everything?" I asked. Steven confirmed.

"The end of the quarter is approaching," he explained. "Everything must always be new at the end of the quarter."

"When do we have to deal with this?"

"Preferably until the end of September," he muttered, looking at the sky thoughtfully. "But if we do it in October, nothing will happen either."

"It would be better if it was thoroughly checked in total than quickly and sucked" I agreed. There was no rush.

"Exactly".

We usually didn't talk much. We didn't talk but we felt good in silence without that conversation. Silence between us has never been awkward. There were no deeper feelings or commitments between us. We just worked together. Only so much and as much at a time.

It only became awkward when Minhyung joined us. Although maybe it was only me who saw the atmosphere after his arrival this way. He was holding a briefcase in hand and coming out from basement, so I could successfully suspect that I won't have anything to do with him today. And I was happy about that.

"Hi," he greeted Steven, completely ignoring me. I smiled under breath. Fucking, arrogant, self-centered ignorant.

"Hi," Steven answered simply, not even looking at him closely. I kept silent. And in such changed silence we stood still because Steven pulled out a second cigarette to keep Minhyung company in addiction.

With Mark the matter was really strange and awkward. Once he talked to me normally and once he completely ignored. There were days when he was nice and days when he pretended that I don't exist - just like today. Sometimes he would tease me verbally and sometimes he would make it clear to me that I was pissing him off and I should shut up. He could be calm and interested in what I am currently doing but there were also days when he behaved aggressively towards me and each crossing of the border could end my life with head banged against the wall. To sum up - Minhyung behaved quite bipolarly, as if he hadn't fully decided in his mind about taking over the communication strategy between us.

As if he hadn't decided who we are to each other.

As if he hadn't decided whether we should be anything to each other at all.

"I'll wait downstairs," I finally whispered to Steven, feeling ill in this quiet triangle.

"Wait," Minhyung said suddenly in his disapproval intolerant tone. I looked at him questioningly and he let out the last puffs of smoke from lungs and crushed the rest of the cigarette into the pebbles under our feet. "You're coming with me, come on," he added, waving at me with hand in which held the briefcase.

"But where do you want to go?" I was surprised, still standing firmly next to Steven, as if a man were to save me from being forced into execution.

"You'll see there," he sighed heavily as walked towards his car. I gave Steven a bemused look.

"If you want, you can go," he whispered, smiling under breath.

"What if I don't?" I asked doubtfully. Steven spread hands.

"You must go anyway," replied quietly. "He has priority over you," man shrugged, as if couldn't do much about this top-down regulation but let's be honest - he didn't want to do much about it either. In his eyes, I was probably still a dog trained by him for killing competitions. Currently a bit of a spoiled dog. Corrupted as well as our relationship based on a mutual lie. You can't have everything in life.

I rolled eyes, walking slowly toward Minhyung's car. The boy stood leaning against the open door on the passenger side and waited for me to kindly finish the talk and load my ass inside. From school pusher I was promoted to work pusher under a contract between two fucking psychopaths with the tacit consent of a third psychopath who acquired property rights to me differently on his own. As you can see, with age the problem instead of expiring, escalates rapidly.

"Get in," he said, watching me carefully as I stopped at a safe distance and measured the space between our bodies. "Don't be afraid, I won't hurt you," he assured completely honestly and calmly, as if really understood that he was somehow a real threat to me. Nice that this asshole was aware of his idiotic behavior.

"You promise?" I asked childishly but coming closer. Mark started laughing.

"I promise," he assured and I achieved my goal.

"If you smile, I somehow trust you more," I said, taking the passenger seat. Mark rolled eyes and then closed door with a soft slam.

"Just to be clear, I didn't smile," he immediately explained the situation when he sat behind the wheel.

"You smiled," I murmured, looking out the window with arms crossed over chest.

"I didn't" he denied, starting the engine.

"Of course you smiled," I gently raised the corners of my mouth to avoid showing that I was too happy to change the emotional climate between us. Sometimes it took effort but it was really possible to break through the outer shell of the boy's indifference. Today, apparently, the day was exceptionally favorable.

And I couldn't stop the whisper that said I was very pleased with this fact.

"Not at all".

"Yeah, sure," I laughed, glancing at him. Minhyung was smiling to himself, shaking head as he got off the parking lot.

"At least don't spread that kind of shit to other people," he asked, glancing at me. I nodded obediently.

"Okie," I whispered, keeping his gaze longer.

♥

**[minhyung]**

When we were entering the brothel, the music wasn't that loud. Therefore, if I already had anything to do here, I did it just before noon. Later various suspicious people came here. For now, the bartenders cleaned the counter and refilled alcohol, citrus and other fancy drink additions. In a few hours they will be satisfying piss elegant swabbers, who will come to slobber over the smooth asses of slender twenties, which their wives will never be again. 

Fucking scuzzbuckets.

Donghyuck obediently followed me like a shadow. I didn't fully understand why I decided to take him with me. Somehow boy came across my way. _As usual_ , I can say. When he fully realized where I had brought us, he began to look at me a bit suspiciously, as if I wanted to leave him here and sell for the provision of services at night. As if he had too little work.

Over my dead body, by the way.

I'd sooner give my own ass to someone than leave him here for these unsatisfied perverts. After a few drinks, the sex of the sexual partner lost any significance here. Even the most hardened declared heterosexual men eventually ended up in bed with some more or less lustful nancy.

"I didn't drag you here for whores," I assured, stepping up with him. I felt safer seeing brunet by my side.

"Nothing will surprise me with you anymore," he murmured from behind the mask, looking around the room. Some of the girls were already stretching in the corners of the room or on dancing poles; and some of them just sat in groups on the sofas and devoted themselves to deep gossip.

"Marco gave me a briefcase for the man who manages it," I explained to the boy, wanting to calm his exuberant imagination.

"Should I hold briefcase for you then?" he asked ironically but I didn't catch that irony right away. When it reached me, it was too late.

"No, why?" I murmured, frowning. But when I realized that he was joking, Donghyuck was already laughing. I nudged him with arm. "I took you to see what it looks like here," I defended myself, thinking of the excuse offhand. "You never know if you will ever have something to do here," I explained, concluding that, by the way, I'm not prevaricating.

"I feel richer about this experience, thanks," he said, moving closer to me as we passed a group of men clearing accounts about some transaction with each other without embarrassment in the middle of the corridor. I put hand gently on Hyuck's shoulder and pushed him towards the opposite wall so that he could walk right in front of me.

"What are you doing here, Mark?" I heard Isabelle's voice behind. I turned to her. She was standing in the toilet door with a make-up bag under arm, putting on an earring. Her slender legs ended in high heels and the short dress barely covered her pussy. Girl had apparently an important customer.

"Sightseeing tour," I announced, eyeing her with a disgusted look. I didn't like the fact that she was still working here and Izzy knew it perfectly well. "I have documents for Diego," explained as her eyes glanced over Donghyuck. For a moment they looked at each other in a strange, inscrutable way. The boy certainly knew about her existence but did she know about him? I doubted it deeply. The very fact that there were the three of us (the girl I live with and sleep with as well as the boy I work with and hooked up several times) in the brothel was already a bit awkward. When Izzy looked at me again, she just smiled under breath, as if already knew everything and everything was clear to her. I rolled eyes.

"Good luck," she said with a smile, then disappeared into the bathroom. I cursed under breath. She always had to have the last sentence. Fucking slut.

Isabelle was like a sister to me. A younger, unbearable, pissing off sister, although we were the same age. Living with her was an ideal solution but as it happens between siblings, we also had worse times. When we didn't see each other for a long time, we lived normally. We talked as much as my communication skills allowed me and dealt with mundane issues of everyday life. For some time, however, quite a lot we bumped into each other and our free days overlapped, creating a space to murder each other.

"Marco bought her somewhere in a marketplace, at a strange, underground auction of minors," I murmured in Korean to Hyuck when we went to the next large party hall in a slightly more exclusive atmosphere. I felt that I had to explain this situation to him somehow. He certainly knew I was sleeping with Isabelle. I think everyone already knew it, including Marco. After all, I felt uncomfortable with it now. As if I didn't want the boy to have such knowledge. As if... it was a betrayal on my part, although we were unrealistically far away from the relationship based on the involvement. "More or less, that's how each one of them ends up here."

"I thought it was dangerous to talk to each other in a language other than English," the boy remarked anxiously, answering me as we were still talking at our homes.

"Until you report me and I report you, it'll be safer sometimes," I said, stopping at the bar with him. I had to leave Hyuck here. He couldn't go with me. "But better rarely than often," I added slowly, looking longer at his face. We stood in a strategic place where purple and navy blue lights crossed. Both of these colors intersected on Hyuck's face, causing his fucking eyes as usual to make me crazy.

"I trust you, then," he said softly, smiling slightly under the mask. As usual, he didn't help me.

"Okay..." I whispered, touching his cheek before I realized what I was even doing. However, I couldn't back down, so I bet on insolence. I ran thumb in a certain strategic place under the watchful eye of boy, which I often paid attention to.

"Hm?" Hyuck was slightly shocked but he did nothing to stop me. I guessed that we were both equally up to ours necks in what was happening between us. We didn't understand anything either. We did nothing equally.

"Nothing..." I murmured thoughtfully, admiring this beautiful play of light. "You have nice moles," I whispered simply, finally dropping hand.

"Thank you."

♥

**[donghyuck]**

"I came up with the idea of exchange with people from Edmonton," Marco said when we came to him with Steven to report on the first tests of the new software. "Actually, they made such an offer and I thought that we had never done anything like that and what a nice option to expand the range of cooperation it is."

"And what would that be like?" Steven asked, seemingly curious. For a change, I just hoped they wouldn't send me anywhere. I was fed up with strange tasks in the field. I associated it only with mutual killing, heaps of corpses and trauma for the rest of my life.

"Market research, partner search" Marco shrugged. "Nothing extremely engaging because from what I've heard, they don't have the underground activity as developed as we do."

"And how long this pleasure?"

"Half a year."

"A lot" Steven muttered under breath and during his deep reflection on things that didn't interest me at all, Minhyung entered the room with a flourish. Without a greeting he sat down in chair, as if lateness did not require any explanation. Maybe it was like that. Mark has always been treated differently from the rest. Golden Mafia child.

"What are we talking about?" asked, looking after all of us briefly, as if it allowed him to recognize the situation.

"Edmonton," Marco said succinctly and Mark nodded as if that explained a lot. They apparently had to talk about it with each other. "Well, I wonder which of you would like to go?" a question was asked that I couldn't answer. Completely different things were bothering me now.

My gaze focused on the white collar of Minhyung's shirt, which had a large red spot. It must have meant he was down in the basement. They brought two people yesterday suspected of having information on the Carl case. I knew Minhyung. I knew he was killing, he was cold and fucked up. After all...

"It's my blood," he said suddenly, ripping me out of thoughts. "Don't look at me like that," added after a moment when I gave him an apologetic look. But he wasn't mad. For some time, he didn't like to talk about things that happened down below. As if didn't want to be associated with being murderer. Earlier, boy didn't mind at all, I didn't understand why this sudden change came from.

"What happened?" I asked instinctively, though I didn't quite know if I had the right to speak at Marco's office.

"Nosebleed," he explained briefly and looked away, telling me that I really should sit quietly. But he started... I looked down. After all, it wasn't time for private chitter-chatter.

"All in all, I'd love to go," Steven suddenly said and I was grateful to him for getting Marco's full attention. "I haven't been anywhere for a long time."

"Okay," Perez sighed heavily, as if a man had stripped him of an excuse to trash me. "It went faster than expected," he added, putting some documents in drawer.

"So, are we going for a coffee?" Steven asked enthusiastically, as if the prospect of breaking out of New York for six months really enjoyed him. He was too happy. He was suspiciously happy but no one except me seemed to pay more attention to it. The boss nodded.

"Haechan, you drive," Marco commanded, addressing me with a business name that I got from training in the basement. Just a dog...

"No bid" Minhyung grunted emptily and left Marco's office without saying goodbye.

♥

**[minhyung]**

I clicked the pen button, wondering what the fuck was happening to me lately. I couldn't focus on the files I was reading. For two hours I've been poring over the fourth page with the feeling that I don't remember anything from the previous three. And it wasn't like I was thinking about something specific at that time. I wandered my thoughts in the clouds, actually not paying attention to anything worth attention. 

Simple distraction. 

The problem was that I was never distracted. Never. I was even shocked that I could call this state my own words without the help of the internet. Maybe because my mother is a walking distraction. It's good that this part of her nasty genes decided to stay the fuck away from me.

A knock on the door pulled me out of thoughts. I frowned, wondering who it was and whether I wanted to talk to anyone now. I came to the conclusion that I don't feel like it. I couldn't take care of the current job, much less a new one with which this man came to me. I chose silence. After a few seconds, however, the door opened itself and I sighed irritably, preparing a hate speech. However, the person I saw in the doorway was Hyuck himself.

"Have you heard me invite you here?" I asked more gently than I wanted. The boy looked at me questioningly, closing the door with foot because hands were occupied.

"No," he admitted without embarrassment. "I thought you were definitely inviting me but I just didn't hear," he gave me a beautiful, mocking smile as approached the desk on which he placed a paper cup with a lid.

"What is it?" I sighed heavily, putting the pen aside. I didn't have the strength to argue with him today.

"Coffee" explained as if it were obvious. As obvious as entering someone else's office without an explicit invitation. Nobody ever came in here without an invitation. I think I loosened the collar too much for Hyuck. "You didn't want to come to it, so it came to you," he added after a moment, when didn't get any answer from me.

"Mhm," I just murmured, wondering if that was what he expected to be able to just fucking leave now. I didn't like that strange feeling in my chest that was occuring when we were in the same room together. I have always felt such a strange weight in my lungs and my heart was beating unnaturally fast. I felt like I was about to die of a heart attack and didn't understand where it came from.

"The word _thank you_ doesn't irritate the throat, you know?" Donghyuck finally asked, raising eyebrows high.

"I know," simply replied. Hyuck laughed.

"Okay, I'm happy," said with amusement as he approached the couch. Finally, boy sat down in its corner with coffee, hugging a decorative pillow to chest.

"What are you doing?" I was surprised watching his behavior. Donghyuck looked shocked.

"I keep you company," he replied, eyeing me closely. "Sitting alone all day must be terrible," said, giving me a bemused smile. Long ago no one entered my private space so smoothly. Even Steven respected my limits more. Donghyuck didn't seem to be aware of these boundaries, or ignored them so effectively, although we knew each other relatively briefly.

"I'm not complaining," I stated coldly, immediately regretting when I saw Hyuck's face. The boy wiggled his eyebrows in surprise, then looked at the coffee mug. "But if you want, you can stay" I murmured after a moment, when he put the pillow in its place. I decided that it was a sign that he was going to leave. Some part of me would prefer him to stay, since he came here and disturbed my... my doing absolutely nothing.

"I can leave, really," he said expressionlessly, rising from the couch. "I didn't know I disturbed you so much."

"You don't disturb," I denied, looking for some rational justification for my behavior. "Just..." I sighed heavily, trying to gather my thoughts under the pressure of his honey look. Instinctively, I grabbed the pen and pressed the tip slowly. "Just nobody ever... shares this space with me," I explained with great effort and Hyuck smiled softly under breath.

"Couldn't you say it right away?" asked gently, tilting head to one side. "I would adapt," assured.

"I'm telling you now," I murmured, looking down at the file. I couldn't stand his eyes. "Come here to me," I finally said irritably. "Since you're here, at least be useful," I said. Donghyuck rolled eyes. Finally put his cup near mine and stood next to me. "What is written here?" I asked, showing with the end of the refill to the incomprehensible record in my files. Hyuck leaned over, studying the document carefully. However, I had a moment to shamelessly glance along his neck, paying attention to all the moles that I had not previously noticed. I moved eyes along the line of the boy's jaw, ending with full, pink lips that already had a ready answer for me.

"...otherwise the verbal evidence shall be disregarded," Donghyuck finally said, moving away from me to a safe distance.

"Thanks" I nodded, writing it over a previously incomprehensible record.

"Where do you actually get these files from?" asked, squatting beside me. He leaned elbow on the edge of the desk and looked at me curiously. I returned the boy's gaze, unable to answer him immediately because the strange weight on my lungs grew stronger and my heart seemed to stop beating. I immediately thought that I could be persuaded by my mother and after stopping medication see a doctor. Apparently decision not to do so wasn't the smartest one.

"Magic of corruption" I whispered, also resting head on the hand. Donghyuck smiled to himself, without answering me. We started some strange exchange of looks that seemed to lead nowhere. There was simply nothing to talk about, so time passed by staring at each other.

And it was the moment when I realized that for some time I was subconsciously wondering how to get to him.

I wanted simply to fuck Donghyuck.

And that's it.

He also looked as if he didn't mind and nothing stood in the way of finally realizing these desires by mutual agreement. Nothing but his ringing phone. The boy shuddered at the sudden sound and I cursed in mind.

"And where are you supposed to be?" I heard Steven on the phone before Donghyuck could say anything to him.

"I took coffee to Mark," brunet began to explain himself, looking down at knees.

"Half an hour ago," my friend noted irritably. _It's been already half an hour?_

"And did I declare myself when I'll come back?" Hyuck suddenly asked nervous that someone was setting limits for him staying in each room. He stood up abruptly from the squat, putting shirt under trouser belt with free hand. I smiled under breath. I noticed that once he felt more confident in some place, he more often allowed himself to show anger when released his brakes.

"Do you just talk back to me?" Steven asked incredulously and Hyuck cursed silently under breath, rolling eyes.

"No" mumbled, taking his coffee from desk.

"Well, I had quiet hope for that," answered the man angrily. "I invite you to work."

"I'm coming" Donghyuck sighed heavily into the phone and hung up. He put the phone in back pocket and started to leave.

"Thanks for the coffee," I said with amusement as he opened the door. The boy turned to me with a smile and raised eyebrows in disbelief.

"How did it go through your throat?" asked, laughing. "Have a nice day, Minhyung" said goodbye and left, closing the door behind with a soft slam.

Suddenly the room became quiet and a part of me was still fighting hard, just to not admit that I didn't feel good about it. I hid face in hands, wiping it hard with them.

What the hell was going on with me?

I looked at the door. It wasn't like I never felt that way before. Of course I felt. However, I didn't want to combine what was at the center with what was happening here, in New York. I promised myself that I would never get into that shit again. Meanwhile, the shit went into my office without asking, put coffee on my desk and looked at me with those beautiful, honey eyes. Even if I have denied everything that was going on in my head for the past few weeks, the answer was at arm's length.

This is not a heart attack.

This is Donghyuck.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really love this chapter. 
> 
> As now I have an opportunity to read that story again, add something here and there, I have a time for a little reflection on which parts of the plot mean the most to me and which parts I wrote with a exceptional pleasure.
> 
> And that's exactly that type of chapter. A chapter I like very much. I hope it gives you that unique vibe as well.


	18. Bloody sunset

**[august 2019]**

**[donghyuck]**

"You don't flirt with Mark, do you?" Steven asked suddenly, making me choke to death if I was just drinking something.

"Are you crazy?" I looked at him like he was out of mind. If man was completely deaf and didn't hear how Minhyung have been slinging mud at me over the past few days, I advised him to be more interested in the subject. If extreme bipolarity was a way of black-haired flirtation, it unfortunately didn't work for me. I preferred him to get me to bed once and for all, instead of pulling and pushing me away when we get too close.

"I just want to but I'm not quite successful in this kind of thinking," he sighed heavily, leaning over the steering wheel with the camera. We were watching a dealer's girl who apparently sold half his rock to another guy who knew someone who knew Carl from when he was still working for Marco. We didn't do it well. I wasn't even surprised for that. Dealing with such meager circumstantial evidence and tracking people between whom there were a hundred others sought in the chain of connections, missed the goal and was a waste of time. Perez, however, was so blinded by revenge that he didn't see it at all. If it made any sense, he would even make us take photos of dog's shit, whose owner passed fifteen years ago neighbor of Carl at the pedestrian crossing under the shopping mall.

"There is nothing between us," I said that with much bigger dose of disappointment then I should. I sighed heavily, looking out the window to the side of the road. I had no idea what was going on in Minhyung's head. He was playing a strange game with me on a pull and push basis. It was just a frustrating and unpleasant experience. I have even noticed that when it begins to be really good between us and we start something that normal people call innocent flirt, he suddenly act like total mess-up and more often during good moments I start to wonder when something will fuck up. I lost the desire for any contact with this man without being able to forget about him and throw him out of my mind. Maybe it was better overall? There would be nothing between us anyway. Marco didn't let his employees' to date. I don't know how it was related to the relationships inside of the company but the matter concerned his favorite.

The jewel in the crown of Perez's mafia.

There was no chance.

"Not that I doubt that this man is emotionally able to work something out but this sex on the beach was good at least?" Steven asked after a moment of silence, then started laughing when saw my astonished expression.

"I'm absolutely embarrassed by your question," I laughed, not believing that he was really asking that. It seemed to me that we concluded a silent contract a long time ago, that it was a taboo subject and we would not go back to it. Apparently I was wrong. "Yes, it was good," I admitted calmly, tilting head to the headrest. I closed my eyes.

"I can die peacefully now," he said, barely holding back a yawn. We were sitting in this fucking car for the third hour.

"If you're so interested in the quality of Mark's sexual activity, offer him a little rendezvous after work," I murmured, feeling Steven's fatigue slowly begin to spread. It finally was a 2 am.

"If only I wasn't heterosexual, it would certainly be behind us," the man replied with a small sigh, putting the camera on the dashboard. We both had enough. I felt that after a short nap we would be going home.

"You're not serious," I laughed. All this exchange was at least abstract. Did we really talk about Steven's potential sex with Minhyung?

"Well, after all, Mark is the wet dream of every teenager - dark, brutal, slightly twisted and for good measure mafioso," he listed all the excitement of girls up to the age of sixteen. "Don't you like it?" he asked mockingly. It was turning me on but I couldn't admit it aloud. Minhyung excited me tremendously but I couldn't do anything about it. He was more inaccessible than some fucking steel fortress.

"Well, no," I lied smoothly. I perfectly mastered lying.

"Do you prefer romantics?" Steven thought aloud, sounding quite serious. Apparently, the profile of my dream partner interested him much more than he showed. Steven, deep in the corners of his heart, was a terrible gossip-slut. At least I thought so. I gave our acquaintance a few more months and we would badmouth Marco with a glass of wine in our hands and face masks put on.

"Definitely" agreed and said it quite honestly. I liked to feel loved, cuddled and cared for. I've always missed this in my life. Therefore, the fact that a person like Seth appeared on my way seemed really like a fairy tale to me at that moment. A fairy tale that burst like a soap bubble over time.

"Seth was like that as a boyfriend?" Steven asked, as if he were reading my mind. I smiled under breath at the memory of the blonde.

"Seth is above all a tender and caring person with a good heart," I said. "The boyfriend was the best possible," I added in a whisper, feeling a strange pressure in heart.

"Pity he left."

"Pity."

♥

**[minhyung]**

_I ran my hands slowly over the boy's naked body. I wanted to memorize every curvature and bend that I felt under fingertips._

_I kissed those foul-mouthed lips that said all the words that made me crazy every time. I wanted them to shout at me now. I wanted them to curse me._

_I got into brunet harshly and he moaned loudly into my ear, clenching fingers tightly on the bedclothes. I answered the same, covering his hand with mine. Donghyuck's body curved under me as I slid into him all the way._

_"Hyungie..." he gasped into my ear in a voice that wasn't his own._

_This voice belonged to Luke._

I jumped out of bed, covered in cold sweat. I sat down, grabbing a handful of hair. Full moonlight shone in through the window, illuminating the entire living room and bedroom clearly. I closed eyes, breathing deeply.

It was 2:40.

"Something fucked me up completly," I whispered, sinking heavily into the cold bedding that had managed to cool myself from the heat of sleepy experiences.

I started looking at the ceiling, wondering how soon I would go crazy with such nightmares. I felt that if I didn't do something right away, it would literally make me crazy and I would have no choice but to jump from a bridge straight into the bottomless abyss. It wasn't even about Hyuck or Luke anymore. It was about me.

About me and the fact that I cannot cope with the past, which I should have left behind long ago.

I parked slowly in the parking lot at the back of the restaurant, wondering if I really came to work in the middle of the night. However, the answer was _yes_.

It was 3:24 and I just came to the fucking job, unable to cope with myself in the four walls of my own apartment. Isabelle, as usual, was a goer somewhere, leaving me with all this shit all alone. There is no better escape in the world than escaping into workaholism. At least Marco will benefit from my sleepless nights.

I left the car in the hope that I would not meet anyone at this time along the way. Nevertheless, I built my reputation on a cool, aesthetic appearance. Today, however, I didn't bother looking for a shirt and a jacket. I picked up any trousers and sweatshirt from the ground, put glasses on nose and left the apartment as quickly as possible, leaving behind uncovered bed. I wanted to get away from it as far as possible.

However, my pious wishes were only wishes. As soon as I pushed the first door from the employees entrance, I hit with them a person who just wanted to leave the corridor. I sighed heavily, pulling the hood over head and looked down. Even here I didn't have a moment of peace. I've already heard whispers in my head about the fact that Mark Lee came to the company in stretched clothes.

"Minhyung," however, I heard Donghyuck's warm voice. I looked up at the boy who was watching me closely with concern over the black mask. "What are you doing here?" he asked surprised, putting the headphones in jacket pocket. It wasn't a time when any of us should be here. However, I knew that the boy was currently overloaded with various extra activities, so I couldn't escape the answer by asking him the same question.

"I don't know," I shrugged. There was no point in explaining to him that I was bothered by nightmares right now. That didn't sound good. It sounded like I was a wimp that gets wet at night because he can't come to terms with the ex-boyfriend's suicide. I'd sooner kill myself than admit it aloud.

"How come?" Donghyuck laughed, looking at me anxiously. I hated when he did it. At such times, I felt like giving in to him and give in to this compassion. I wanted to give in to weakness and let him embrace me with care. But that wasn't possible. Not in this balance of power. He was below me, he was weaker in this relationship. I couldn't allow this pattern to be reversed for nothing.

"I don't like not to see your face," I said instead of explaining, reaching gently behind the boy's ear to pull the mask off his face. Donghyuck narrowed eyes and wrinkled nose but didn't protest. I picked up the material and put it in my pocket. I closed the back door, exposing both of us to the full moon.

"Are you sure everything is okay?" he asked, carefully placing hand on my forehead. It was pleasantly warm and delicate.

"What are you doing?" I asked in a whisper, looking into his eyes.

"Checking for a fever," he murmured, looking back.

"I don't have," I told calmly, noting that the closeness of his body was extremely soothing to me today.

"Well, you don't," he confirmed quietly, putting hands back in pockets.

There was a long silence between us.

♥

**[donghyuck]**

I walked slowly with coffee from McDonald's towards the car, wondering how it all happened and why at such an hour. My eyes closed that I could barely see the paving stone I was walking on. When I walked around the car, Minhyung was sitting on the curb, smoking a cigarette thoughtfully, leaning against the driver's door. He was absent and depressed but I didn't ask him anything. I just put coffee in front of him and sat down next to the boy. We keept a safe but small distance. I wanted to avoid a situation where, as usual, we come somewhere together but we behave as if we were apart.

As we sat in silence, I began to wonder if this was the right time to move what happened between us on the beach. For now, we have successfully pretended that the topic doesn't exist. We accepted the existence of all the other forced times when we were together but this one, during which we both were really good; we pushed that hard aside. I didn't understand it. It was on this beach that we established a thread of understanding. It was there that we normally talked to each other, unaware that we would ever work together.

Why didn't we talk about it?

Why didn't we recognize it as the beginning of something that can evolve?

Why it all so stupidly fucked up somewhere along the way?

I wanted to ask all these questions out loud but I didn't have the courage. The truth was that I was afraid of the answer I might get. I was afraid that Mark's straightforward statement that it meant nothing to him would hurt me more than I'm really ready for it. That was always my biggest problem.

Fear.

"Minhyung..." I started uncertainly.

"Donghyuck..." the boy started at the same time and we both broke off after uncertainly murmuring our names. We looked at each other with shy smiles.

"Speak first," I urged him, waving hand limply. Not that I still had the courage to start this thread, which wouldn't leave me alone.

"It's nothing significant," said, shrugging. He sat bent over coffee and gently folded the plastic cup lid. "That's how... I just wanted to ask you... do you sometimes think about your future?" He thought, sighing heavily, as if thinking about the future was too overwhelming.

"Hmmm... I'm trying not to," I said after a moment's thought.

"Why?" asked calmly, as if my answer could also be his answer.

"Because I know half of my dreams will never come true," I explained, smiling sourly. Sometimes I was under the illusion that maybe something would still fix here. Perhaps there will be an event that will reverse my fate by one hundred and eighty degrees. On the other hand, I also knew that such things do not happen to people like me. The last time I got the impression that I could run away and start my life again, I almost lost my mother. "Also, I'd rather pretend they aren't there," I added after a sip of coffee. "What about yours?"

"I just don't have mine," replied thoughtfully, as if was still wondering if he ever had any dreams.

"Mhm," I murmured, straightening legs. I dropped back slowly on the car door and looked at the sky. We had a pretty nice warm night. Despite the full moon, there were even a few lonely stars in the sky.

"And what did you want to ask?" Minhyung returned to the subject after a long silence.

"Something quite similar," I lied, giving up silly questions about love that I never had a chance to receive. It was probably better between us as it is now. It was frustrating but also safe. Since nothing connected us privately, we couldn't demand anything from each other. Sometimes it's easier that way. "I'll be there...*" murmured a little unknowingly, even at first without thinking about what I was doing. "...behind you who is walking alone" I added after a while, following in the footsteps of Minhyung, plucking the lid of the cup. "Singing till the end... this song would be endless" I started humming a song that I recently heard on Korean radio that my mother listened passionately to. It was very beautiful and somehow nostalgic. It suited a night like this. It suited my stupid dilemmas of teenager, that I wasn't anymore. "Take a deep breath..." I stopped, wondering how it actually continued there. Sometimes, Korean words were clearly missing in the dictionary. Although I have been short of words recently in whole. Regardless of the language. "I'll sing for you who has forgotten how to cry..." I chanted the last fragment I remembered looking at my dirty sneakers moving to the rhythm of the ballad. "...out loud," I whispered, sighing heavily. I stared at the highway shimmering somewhere in the distance. Silence surrounded us again. In an unexplained way, it was really hard on my heart. I was tired of it all. I was tired of the early nights, I was tired of tension and understatements accumulating in my relationship with Mark. All this was just bothering me.

"Love poem?" Minhyung asked after a moment, surprising me. I haven't thought he was up to date with Korean music. We never talked about our country as if it were a taboo subject. This was the case for many people in emigration. The homeland was a creation that the second generation of immigrants wanted at all costs to erase from their consciousness.

"Hm?" I murmured unconsciously, persisting in the strange thought that suddenly caught me. Finally it was 5 am and we were sitting on the curb of the car park by 24/7 McDonald's. It would be difficult to maintain full contact with the outside world in such conditions. "Yes" I finally confirmed.

"Beautiful," he said.

"I think so too," I murmured.

"I meant your voice," said when it became clear to him that we weren't talking about the same thing. I looked at the boy, smiling uncertainly under breath.

"Thank you," I whispered drowning in his black eyes. All I could think about now was how complicated and sick what was happening between us actually is. It was puzzling that since we began to spend more time together, Mark hasn't touched me in a way that I wouldn't have liked and how he used to do it many times before. What has changed? "Have you ever heard such a superstition that if the sun sets a bloody color, many people have died somewhere?" I asked suddenly when the exchange of our eyes became too tiring for both sides.

"That's news to me," he admitted, looking ahead tiredly. "Why do you ask?"

"Because today it set so."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And another chapter I enjoyed writing a lot ♥ 
> 
> Climate is just somehow good, I can't explain -\^.^/-
> 
> * IU - Love poem


	19. Diaries of the past: fiction

**[2 years earlier]**

**[minhyung]**

I've never attached much importance to the natural world around me. A few bushes, a few clouds, a nice lawn in front of the neighbor's house. I saw all this every day and didn't feel the need to over-praise the existence of similar qualities.

They say we won't appreciate what we have until we lose it. I gave this statement full rightness and acknowledged its truthfulness.

I sat on a chair with fused fingers on my stomach. I looked ahead at the blue wall with white spots. I've been in the center for a month without being able to breathe fresh air. I spent my free time staring stupidly at a miserable substitute for heaven, which was more like a frame from an animated fairy tale than a reflection of reality. However, this frame was the only link with memories of normal life. Even if it was an illusion in itself, the sky remained a paradoxically constant element, though in motion.

Statically real.

Dynamically changing.

Paradoxes.

Even though I was already accustomed to any surprise attacks, I could never stop the shiver of shock that accompanied me. As usual, Luke emerged from nothingness. You could say that he was the shadow of my shadow. He sat almost silently at table, staring at me with intense, amber look.

"Why are you still looking at this?" He asked. "After all, it's fiction."

"Just like that" I shrugged. "Reminds me a little bit of the real one."

"You like to fool yourself, huh?" he asked, scooping all the crayons that had been scattered on the table, under his nose. I didn't answer.

I began to wonder what I can do to get out of here. I was filled with hundreds of fears. The strongest fear filled me with the vision that I could become more like the people who are here. I didn't want to be a crazy person. I strongly questioned my stay in this center but over time I noticed that my protests didn't help much here. Finally, I realized that I was in a lost position anyway because I had no power over my life.

I was nobody.

I was crazy.

I was incapacitated.

I glanced at Luke again from the corner of eye. This boy was fascinating. Kind of normal and aware of his own deeds but at the same time completely crazy and requiring specialist treatment in a closed room. I was afraid of him, wanting to get to know him better. At first glance, my roommate seemed to have his own separate consciousness. He was incredibly intelligent, somewhat defenseless and seemingly fragile in his small stature. He spoke thoughtfully, rethinking his speech, as if his mind was in no way disturbed by the medication he was taking. On the other hand, I have already seen what happens to him if he's not taking these drugs and I was afraid of that Luke the most.

Brunet sat slightly leaning over the table top, sticking crayons into a blank sheet - one by one, breaking free of graphites. I frowned, wondering what he wanted to achieve. Was it some form of rebellion again, or was it simply the result of boredom. While spoiling the crayons, he didn't anger the staff at all. Because of him people who need it for therapy, won't be able to simply take it and if it happens again, no one will ever give us any drawing instruments.

"What are you doing?" I asked slightly broken up. In my free time I used the patents I learned in the drawing course. In this way, I killed eternal time and released overwhelming images from head.

"I am preventing evil," he replied quite seriously, deepening the furrow on my forehead drawn from lack of understanding with his words.

"In what kind of way?" I choked in disbelief.

"I saw them in our room, Mark," he whispered, looking at me closely. His tone suggested that I had just done something very bad and he kept it secret for me and loyally warned now. However, I had to raise eyebrows to show Luke that I really had no idea what he was talking about. "Pictures," he said.

"What about them?" I asked.

"I'm saving you from the falsehood you create, Mark" shook head sideways in worry. "The curved memory of your old life won't let you start a new one. This past will kill you here," he confessed. "It'll tighten its tentacles around your neck and you'll continue to desire it so much that you lose the rest of your senses."

"How did you come to that?" I was surprised by his words, which nevertheless had some unclear depth, hidden truth. "These are just drawings," I continued, although I wasn't sure myself that what I was saying was completely true.

"Because you see..." he began with a quiet sigh, supporting chin on open hand. "When the memories are blurred and you let them go, you are free," he whispered melancholy and reflexively looked into the corner of the room on his right, where Peter was sitting. The boy constantly drew only circles of different colors on his sheet. He always did the same, hypnotizing others with the monotony of wrist movements. "But when images of the past begin to merge into one and you have no idea which is real, you lose your mind because you want to recover them all. You don't let them go, so you go astray. You get lost in your own life, unable to break the carousel of absurdity, which makes your life nothing but a blurred drawing."

Carousel of absurdity.

Destroying something what was meant to create.


	20. Madness

**[september 2019]**

**[donghyuck]**

I looked at the red light expectantly. I knocked slowly on the steering wheel with index finger, probably stressing more than getting impatient with the whole situation. Marco has given me a more serious task for the first time since I found myself in this place. The first fully independent, also if something went wrong, the responsibility would focus only on me. On the other hand, I had no idea what could go wrong. The girl lay unconscious in the back seat and was to remain in this position for the next twenty minutes. 

Maybe I was just too suspicious. 

But I was trained to be so not without reason. 

I was trained to perceive everything as a potential trap.

One of Marco's main sources of income is, after all, white slavery, the resources of which are eighty percent young women. Their age ranges from thirteen to twenty, which fully demonstrates the degradation of this environment, since the demand is mainly for the younger ones. Man begins to wonder if the word _woman_ is the correct term at this time, since not even one of these young girls should even think about sucking male's sweaty dick. Especially in such circumstances. The moment they end up in a brothel definitely defines their entire future. It is rare that they make any attempt to escape from the place where they found themselves. I have been fascinated with this phenomenon since I am here because at first glance it doesn't seem difficult. The brothel is much less protected than our underground, from which getting out is in fact only a dream. However, I think these girls are so shocked that they automatically lose the will to fight for survival. The same thing happened with people in labor camps or colonies. Amid a drastic change in living conditions and general intimidation, they were unable to resist. However, the phase of bewildering eventually passes but probably in this case the humiliation already reaches its climax and the will to fight completely disappears. At least I saw it this way.

Arriving at the house of one of Marco's friends, I looked in the mirror at the awakened girl. She was maybe fourteen and was so washed out of her emotions that she just stared straight ahead. In turn, I felt like the greatest barbarian, seting my hand to it. At the moment I was running a dirty business not only legally but mainly morally. However, it was a tying agreement. I had no other choice. Cruel survival instincts made these awkward decisions for me. The elimination of weaker species ruled our world at the root of primitive life. Nowadays, we only bear the name of proud continuators of this attitude.

I stopped the car at the back entrance to the villa of a man I knew under the name of Tony only from Minhyung's stories. It wasn't pleasant but Lee says I should know literally everything about Marco's close associates. What they do, how many people they have, where their family lives and how many of them is in the hause, where they spend their holidays, in what quantities they devote their resources to foreign exports. Even if I can't see them and probably never will, the basic thing is to recognize a colleague who can turn out to be an enemy every second.

In the alcove by the door, an unknown boy was waiting for me to take over the girl. Tony himself doesn't deal with such stupidity because, like Perez, he has his people from it. The man couldn't be much older than Mark but the relatively fragile physique was able to mislead me. The face couldn't be read much. Despite the lack of a material mask, he had his own, intricately arranged over all face muscles. Impatience flashed only in his eyes. Dressed in black from head to toe, he took the girl from me with a strong jerk and pulled her down into the dark corridor like a rag doll.

This exchange proceeded in silence.

♥

**[minhyung]**

New York is a city that constantly teems with life and literally never stays still. People here are always rushing somewhere, chasing something, constantly following something, looking for that happiness that they cannot define themselves. Looking at the city from the top floor of the apartment building, I felt like the only permanent element of this space.

The only sitting man in a swarm of humanity constantly advancing.

I never planned to live in a city that didn't fascinate me at all. The constant hustle and bustle did not suit my calm personality. I wanted to settle in a deserted place where the interior of a person is able to fuse with the world around him. Contrary to any previous thoughts, I was probably starting to have some dreams. And these dreams were not particularly daring.

"Yes? Lee, speaking" I said into the phone when I saw Tony is calling.

"You were supposed to send me a girl today," he said calmly. "Do you have any delay on your own turf?"

"I don't know anything about it," I admitted frankly, frowning. "Can I come to you personally if I know what's going on?" I asked assurance.

"I am in no hurry," he replied slowly but there was a firmness in his words that sent a signal that his confidence had been tarnished. "May it be before midnight because I have an important customer."

"I will personally provide it to you as needed," I assured. After a moment of exchanging additional courtesies, Tony hung up, and I spent a few seconds in the armchair strangely suspended. In the end I decided to call Steven, who didn't answer until the third time. "Why do you need a phone if you don't use it?" I asked calmly, though I was honestly annoyed.

"I was taking a shower," he answered succinctly, not feeling obliged to defend himself. I sighed.

"We were supposed to give Tony a girl today?" I asked.

"Yeah, Donghyuck took care of it," Steven said and I automatically closed eyelids.

Everyone in this world is somehow unlucky. It interferes in our lives sometimes lighter, sometimes more strongly, but it seemed to me that the fate of Hyuck was built only on the foundation of misfortune. Apart from the fact that his life was not going well in the past, this boy literally attracted nothing but trouble. From my observations, I am able to state that Lee is in too many cases guided by the heart and not by what he should be guided - common sense. In the mafia, nothing works this way because it is not a machine driven by emotions but a cool calculation of profit and loss. There is no room for errors here because any failure will most likely be the last one.

"Could you send another one?" I asked, sighing heavily. Steven didn't answer but after a moment he just laughed in disbelief and hung up, apparently understanding the whole situation without unnecessary words. After all, he knew Hyuck much better than I did.

♥

**[donghyuck]**

Walking down the corridor, as usual, I questioned my own morality. I knew I couldn't afford remorse. I got myself into it all at my own request and should also deal with the emotions that were bothering me.

I once asked Steven how he deals with everything he does. Despite the fact that he was nice to me, I knew that was able to break someone's neck in a split second, and then leave for a cigarette as if nothing had happened. However, the man had no way to help me. For him it was just a job. He had no remorse. In terms of Minhyung, I was just afraid to ask. Even if our relationship has improved recently, he still triggered a fear in me. Since he became serious and quieter, I began to feel something disturbing about how he looked at me at times. I couldn't describe it exactly but it wasn't a pleasant feeling. It combined compassion and hatred at the same time and I had no idea what the source was.

"Hyuck" I heard someone say my name softly. I shuddered, noticing Minhyung just behind me. "You got scared," he remarked calmly, as if was expecting such a reaction on my part. I nodded slowly, trying to calm my heart.

"Sorry, I was miles away," I replied with a faint smile. I knew that I had to control my emotions exceptionally with him. "Why are you here today?" I asked. The frequency with which he recently appeared at work at inadequate hours began to wonder.

"I have work to do," he said, standing before me. "How did your first task succeed?"

"I think good," I admitted, sighing heavily. I put hands in the pockets of sweatshirt, leaning back against the wall. "All in all, I didn't have to do much. The girl was unconscious all the way" I shrugged, avoiding eye contact with him. I didn't like looking Minhyung in the eyes for too long. The boy's gaze was eternally cold and analyzing, while remaining inscrutable to others. It lacked pure emotions or just a dull thought. They lacked anything but anger, irritation or nervousness.

"If there were no problems, why this face?" He asked. I sensed that question was not at all concerned. Instead, it was lined with some strange analytical tone that caused my subconscious alarm. Minhyung wouldn't ask about such things regarding concern for my well-being. Something was wrong.

"She was only fourteen, Mark," I replied slowly, watching the boy take a slight step forward. He began to corner me. It was worse than expected. My gaze revolved around his collarbones. "How can I be successful if I know why I took her there?"

"Hmmm..." Lee murmured thoughtfully, then gently raised my chin with finger up. I raised eyes to meet his. Minhyung's pupils narrowed slightly when our eyes met and I knew that nothing good had happened. "What do you take me for, lying like that?" whispered.

"What?" I asked, though I expected similar words to come from between his lips. I waited for them like a blow.

"The girl didn't get there, Hyuck," he continued in an equally quiet voice. In some inexplicable way, also these words of Mark didn't surprise me as much as they should. At the same time, what was happening inside me was terror. I wanted to develop a plan in my head but in that case none of them made sense.

"It's impossible, Minhyung," I said. "I took her there."

"Don't lie!" he yelled, slamming fist on the wall just above my head. I closed eyelids tightly, breathing quickly. Fucking Marco. I knew that day will come.

"I'm not lying," I whispered. I chose to rescue at least this weak connection between me and Minhyung. "I wouldn't lie to you," I said truthfully, stepping nervously from foot to foot. We looked at each other for a moment. "Minhyung..." I muttered pleadingly.

"How on earth she's not there then?" he asked more calmly, sighing heavily. I looked at boy shyly, swallowing. I didn't know what to say to him. I didn't think that something like that would happen to me from the very beginning. I was afraid that this first task might have been my last, although I did everything I had to do.

"I have no idea, Mark, but I _swear_ I took her there," I assured, emphasizing the claim word. "A guy took her over, so what else can I tell you? I don't know these people," I said almost hysterically, although I didn't really want to sound like that. Black-haired still considered me weak from the beginning, so I didn't lose anything but now he also fought in some sense for himself. I knew perfectly well that this wasn't a fight for life, as in my case, but he had to control me in some way. Even he's not so unpunished not to have the slightest trouble because of me. No one goes unpunished for Marco.

"Do you know what he'll do to us, if he finds out?" he asked in Korean, fully confirming my fears.

Minhyung looked down at me furiously, as if was fully aware of the thoughts that were stirring in my own head. After a while, however, his eyes softened and the boy himself seemed to me more human than usual. Once he said in anger that hated how I was acting on him and it was probably the moment when he hated both of us for that. Mark didn't define this influence but I was able to conclude that it was responsible for Lee's extreme approach to me - for being able to be warm and funny and sometimes brutal and as cold as ice.

The silence that arose between us was interrupted by a quiet vibration in Minhyung's pocket. He closed eyelids and shook head slowly, taking fist off the wall.

"Did you find him?" I heard Steven's voice. I realized that probably everyone knows about the whole situation except Marco. Probably except Marco. I was about to find out in next few moments if he didn't plan everything on purpouse.

"Yes," sighed in response. "Says he delivered her."

"I'll check it out," he answered and quickly hung up, leaving Minhyung and me alone again. In fractions of a few seconds I felt the boy's warm breath gently blowing my face until he spoke to me again with reserve.

"If you lied to me..."

"I didn't," interrupted him quickly, wanting to take the opportunity I had to convince him of my innocence.

"If you lied to me..." he repeated emphatically, closing eyelids as a sign of own irritation. "...better not get in my way ever again."

♥

**[minhyung]**

In such moments I hated loneliness. Loneliness caused undesirable thoughts; aroused unwanted reflections.

I couldn't free myself from it and I felt that it would be harder and harder to keep my emotions under control every day. How can I consider myself a strong man when I get one look and I already feel that I am softening in such a banal way? I was angry with that because I promised myself that this wouldn't happen again.

History repeats itself.

And I fell into its loop again.

Steve, as usual, was late, but in this situation it didn't really get on my nerves. I just believed Donghyuck. I believed this little fucker and hated myself for it but couldn't help it as well. It just happened. Steven also believed him, although he wouldn't admit it in life. The man was calm and apparently the whole situation had no effect on him. Still, he was determined enough to find out the truth so that I might suspect him of any involvement.

I left the car slowly, giving Steven time to pull the girl out of the trunk. I planned to quickly extract the necessary information from it and give it to Marco immediately. Sometimes, even when solving these trivial problems, every second counted. That's why when I saw Steve dragging her out of the car, I was relieved. Perhaps it wasn't so much about the fact of skilful use of the allocated time as about solving the case. Ninety percent of the time the corpse in the hands of this man meant successful end of mission.

"It wasn't even me that blew her away," he began to explain quickly when I approached him close enough. I bent down to lift the legs of the brunette from the ground, while Steven was already holding her hands. I looked briefly at her face and had to agree with Hyuck. She was terribly young - young enough to make man feel guilty. "Tony himself discovered the whole case. After talking to you, he called for a boy who was responsible for picking up the girl who just suddenly woke up and ran away. "

"It's a child," I said, synchronizing my pace with Steven. "She didn't beat him, I suppose," I joked.

"She didn't beat but she bit and sprinted and instead of chasing her, he drew gun and shot."

"I think I would do the same in his place," I admitted. "Better a dead whore than the police at the nape."

We came to the edge of the abyss, ending our conversation for a moment. We can say that this ditch in the ground was our permanent place, where we threw bodies once in a while. It probably arose as a result of unforeseen and unregistered isostatic or tectonic movements. The key for us was the fact that it seemed to be bottomless and people were throwing garbage away here secretly. Nobody cared about anything. We gently fought the girl there, not even receiving the sound of falling.

"The problem is that he tried to hide the body, and to Tony he reported waiting for Haechan but ended saying, that the boy didn't appear," Steven continued after a moment. "One shit and he can do so many problems," sighed heavily, opening the door of his car.

"What will happen to him now?" I asked.

"I have no idea," replied, shrugging. "I hope he will die in torment for wasting my day off," he said quite seriously.

"Do you think Marco already knows?" I muttered under breath. I guess we both knew that nothing would be hidden from Perez. Despite this, Steven didn't confirm my thoughts aloud, although his probably were the same.

"I don't know," he shook head in resignation. "I hope not."

The answer, however, was too clear even for this complicated world.

♥

**[donghyuck]**

Since I was a child, I've learned how to minimize the pain caused by damage to my body. At the age of thirteen, I already knew the appropriate positions that I had to take to take the blow most favorably and at the age of fifteen all painkillers and muscle relaxants available over the counter or on the black market were nothing new to me. I felt that I had an excellent survival instinct. That there is no such thing that would stop me from regaining full fitness after some time.

Then Marco appeared. The second beast I met in my life. I felt in bones that one day there would be a day when I would have to feel his heavy, punched fist. On this occasion, I always had an emergency kit with me, thanks to which I would win with every pain and only death could take me from this world.

After a phone call from Perez, I knew that day had just taken place. I wasn't afraid but disappointed. I was hoping that after my father's death, I would never encounter such humiliation again, although I was considering the possibility of a similar situation. That's why I took everything I had from the bag. After swallowing a few pills and taking one injection, I wrote to my mother to leave the door open for me. I added that she should't worry if I couldn't go home at night because I would definitely do it the next day at the latest. This case wasn't so serious that I had to take into account the worst option, so I sat in a chair with my eyelids closed and calmly counted the time after which all the drugs I took would work. The most crucial was injection. The substance contained in it always activated in the body after three hours, completely relaxing the body for the next ten. This prevented possible internal bleeding that caused a cough and saved initial suffering when returning home. The only minus was the fact that the pain after the disappearance of the agent from the bloodstream is even greater than before entering it into the body.

When I came to Marco's office, the man was sitting behind the desk and calmly holding a crystal whiskey glass. His jacket hung on the back of the chair and shirt sleeves were neatly and carefully rolled up to the elbow. So he waited for me prepared.

I sighed quietly, wondering why my guesses were usually so accurate. 

Especially the bad ones.

"I came," said quietly and Perez nodded slowly.

"Do you know why I called you here?" He asked.

"I have no idea," replied, provoking my boss to act faster. He knew I was lying but he didn't know I was doing it on purpose. I just wanted an end. The sooner it starts, the sooner it will end. The truth was, he'd wanted to get me for a long time, he just didn't have the way. I felt it in the air when we were in one room. His hand was itching to scold his favorite and at the same time the most hated dog from the basement.

That's how I got to know his secret.

A secret that was the weakness of both of us and had no right to go beyond this room.

The secret that made me know that he won't kill me.

Not now.

Marco rose slowly from his seat, moaning like a martyr, whom someone forces to inhuman effort. He came very close to my body, making us almost touch each other's arms. There was silence in the room. At this moment of suspension of space-time, I began to wonder where the first blow would come from. I thought about punching my stomach because in this way he greeted Minhyung after the boy returned from the center. I smiled at that memory, feeling Marco's hand on my chest.

"Too forward" hissed, then felt my head bounce off the wall and body due to g-force pull it down sharply to the floor. "Stand up" I heard an order amongst the noise that filled my skull. It was the first blow, so it didn't take much time to get up on my hands. Unexpectedly, however, I grunted in blood, which somewhat confused me. When I wondered how it happened, Perez didn't waste time playing and with a strong kick he sent me to one of the cabinets of his office. Before contacting hard ebony, I managed to cover my head so as not to damage it too much. "How dare you not even explain yourself?!" yelled even he knew that any kind of explanation isn't necessary. 

He just wanted me to plead. 

He wanted to hear what he wasn't able to hear from my mouth since we've met.

He wanted to hear what he knew he won't ever hear.

My fucking pride.

That's why he hated me so much.

He hated me but he also needed.

How fatal.

How ironic.

I smiled.

"And what sense does it make?" I said sneeringly, not being aware that the words spewed out of my mouth and not stoped at the stage of thinking. Thanks to them, I had a moment to catch my breath, after which a wave of hatred in Marco's body manifested itself through a series of kicks.

♥

**[minhyung]**

_Don't upset him today_ , Vernon said before I entered Marco's office. These words could have many meanings but I didn't expect what I found inside. The room was in complete disarray. Everything that was previously on the cabinets was now on the floor and the furniture itself was strangely rearranged. Pensive, Marco sat behind the desk, drinking whiskey calmly. He didn't seem to notice bloody hand, or bloody shirt or favorite rug, which bristles dominated by red spots had lost their original color. In general, the office, bathed in the misty light of the flatron, looked like an apocalypse and its owner like a sad Satan sat on the throne with shirt unbuttoned and hair tangled - smeared with other people's blood; sipping expensive alcohol, holding hand on a folder unhooked from Donghyuck's briefcase some time ago.

"I'm listening," he croaked, not making eye contact with me. I began to wonder if my words would reach him at all.

"Today's situation was not due to negligence on our part," I explained slowly, adopting a somewhat formal tone. Perez liked to talk about serious things seriously. "Lack of professionalism is revealed in Tony's new employees. The boy, who was to be responsible for bringing the girl from the villa entrance to the boss's office, didn't record the moment when she woke up. She broke free and started to run." Marco slowly got up from the chair and walked to the closet, from which he took out a new snow-white shirt. He threw the old and stained one into the corner, making efforts to make the next one look its best and most professional. By closely monitoring his every move, I continued my report. "Panicked boy shot her and tried to hide body, deciding to stage everything in such a way as to accidentally add to our bill, hence Tony's initial amazement."

"Body," he muttered, buttoning up.

"Steve took the girl and got rid of her as always and the boy was taken care of by the other side."

"Good," he replied. "That's how it should be," added deeply in thought.

"Whose is this..." I asked after a moment of silence, gaining courage. I looked eloquently at the rug, though in my heart I guessed who had visited Marco today. After all, until the very end I deluded myself that it could be different.

"Donghyuck's," he said grimly, sitting down again at the desk. He alerted me to the fact that called him real name instead of what was everywhere in the documents. He even rarely called me a name other than _Mark_. Instinctively, he took the glass and stared at the opposite wall. I would be lying if I thought that my heart hadn't stopped in terror for a moment. The room really was desolate like a city after a hurricane. Someone of Hyuck's stature couldn't get out of it in one piece.

"But he didn't do anything wrong," I noticed calmly because I didn't want to show Perez unnecessary feelings. Attempting to defend him was already a boggy step.

"How could I know that?" he asked dispassionately, shrugging. I was stunned. 

He knew. 

He fucking knew before us. 

I didn't need Steven's mind to get to it right now. This asshole knew everything. And despite this knowledge, he summoned Donghyuck. 

Something wasn't right here. 

Something between those two was wrong. I saw it earlier. I saw it every time we were in the same room. It wasn't just job-related. 

It was much deeper.

But what was that?

"You should just wait for everything to be clarified," I noticed.

"This can be considered a forward-looking movement," he nodded slowly, shrugging. This justification sounded very sensible in his head. "He has a lesson and I have a lesson."

"Why are you so depressed then?" I asked quite seriously. Usually, when Marco took out in the way he liked best, he was in a pretty good mood. He humiliated, won and proved his superiority to everyone. I wondered why this is not the same this time. However, Perez didn't answer me. The man fell into deep reflection, sowing complete silence in the room. I was afraid that I wouldn't get any information out of him today.

Once again I looked around the office. I felt that I had to ask Steven what to do in this situation. I was also curious if Hyuck managed to return home, although I could conclude that he was already dead by the amount of blood on the floor. Perez, however, probably wasn't stupid enough to kill him because Lee is too valuable and useful to him. And probably that was an issue I had to focus on more.

Missing puzzle.

I turned toward the door and grabbed the handle. I was going to leave without a word, leaving the man in his own thoughts. Marco, however, unexpectedly decided to speak.

"If you were in his position, what would you feel standing in this place now?" he asked suddenly.

"Probably fear," I said, assuming the conversation was still about Hyuck.

"And if I stood before you, what would you do?"

"I would close my eyes and waited for a punch," I said what he wanted to hear, frowning. I didn't quite know where he was going but I had the impression that this path doesn't lead to anything good. I released the door handle, waiting for the punch line.

"Exactly" he laughed darkly. "What if I accused you falsely?" he continued this sick counting rhyme.

"I would probably explain myself"

"So why this fucking whoredog doesn't know this?!" he raved so suddenly, crashing glass on the wall, that I had to take step back in astonishment. "Why?!" he yelled in my direction. I saw pure madness in his eyes.

"Why do you ask me that?" I was confused. What exactly happened here?

"Because you know what that stupid dog did?" he asked in a grave tone, focusing his attention on me. Once again, he called him that way, and I still had no idea what it meant or referred to. He stared at my eyes and I bravely endured it, though my heart burned with vivid anxiety. I shook head in denial and he whispered, "He laughed and asked: _And what sense does it make?_ "


	21. Diaries of the past: promises

**[3 years earlier]**

**[donghyuck]**

I was sitting on the couch in Seth's garage and watching the boys slowly picking their equipment up after the band's rehearsal. They didn't play with each other long but they did it well. Apparently, teamwork was more important than the technique itself, which could always be worked out. I was glad that they accepted Seth, although with music he didn't have that much experience. I was afraid that after the accident he wouldn't find his place and hobby. Basketball has been his whole life since he was a child. Playing the guitar turned out to be no worse passion. At least it let him forget about the car accident and the coma that took him several months out of life.

"For now, Donghyuck," Kevin said goodbye, waving hand and Sam just smiled and nodded. We didn't know each other well yet but we worked on it. I liked them. Finally, Seth and I were alone. The boy came up to me with the guitar and I stepped back, making room on the couch.

"I warmed it up for you," I said as he leaned in to kiss me.

"Medal boy" the blond laughed, joining our lips for a moment. He sat comfortably next to me and leaned over the guitar. "I learned the chords for the song you were talking about," he said and I raised eyebrows.

"So fast?" I was surprised.

"You promised me that you would sing for me as I learn," he reminded, as if sensing that I wanted to postpone it. "I was determined."

"Yes, but..." I started murmuringly but didn't finish thoughts. I didn't want to admit that I only wanted to somehow motivate him to develop and give up his thoughts of returning to basketball.

"You promised, sweetheart," muttered, looking at me with the look of a beaten dog. I hated when he did it. These irises were able to convince me to do everything. I rolled eyes, placing frozen feet under the boy's thigh.

"Okay," I agreed, closing eyelids. In my life I didn't think that I would sing in front of anyone. Once, literally once, I gave up a moment on the radio, when Seth's mother decided to play the Korean station while we were making dinner. Yoo jae ha's song, which my mother loved, was playing and somehow I gave myself to oblivion. From that moment on, the blond was tormenting me every day to sing something to him. At the end of the tongue I already had riposte that he should listen to me as I was making up fucking ballads at his hospital bed so that he would only wake up but he din't want to listen to me then. "Then start playing," I murmured, hiding hands in the pocket of his sweatshirt. I moved to Seth, resting head on his shoulder.

"It may not be perfect, but..."

"It doesn't have to be, honey," I assured. "It's Korean anyway," I laughed.

"I read English subtitles on the internet," he assured me seriously, as if it were the mission of his life. I couldn't stop smiling.

"You're so sweet, swear to god...," I whispered, biting lower lip.

"I'm trying," he muttered, giving me a kiss. "Don't seduce me, just sing, you smarty," said and I started laughing. As usual, he deciphered me. Seth finally started playing and I quickly tried to remember the lyrics of the song I had told him to learn. I really liked listening to it when we started dating for real. It had such a romantic touch.

"I remember when we were yelled at for talking at the halls*" I began to hum quietly, placing head comfortably on the boy's shoulder. "I don't know why it was so fun even when we were being punished..." I closed eyelids slowly, listening to the calm melody played by Seth on the guitar. "The friend label is a label that I got to hate. The feelings I've hidden still remain as painful secret memory. The photos that can't define our relationship are a heartbreaking story. I'm sorry, summer, now goodbye... " I finished, sighing heavily. That was the case with us. For a long time I thought that our relationship would be just a holiday crush. It was nice now to see that these fears were completely unfounded.

"Well, beautiful" Seth smiled at me, kissing my forehead. He set the guitar aside. "You sing so well, Hyuck. Why don't you want me to ask the boys for a place for you? " He asked.

"Seth, honey..." I murmured, looking at him pleadingly. We've talked about it so many times. Why was the topic still coming up? "I won't sing to anyone but you," I repeated once more. "I can't do this, give up on this topic finally, huh?" I asked, slowly combing the boy's hair. By accident I got stuck on a freshly healed scar. I pulled hand back as if it was scalded. "I'm sorry," I said quickly.

"You got nothing to be sorry about." Seth sighed heavily, grabbing my hand on which he placed a gentle kiss. "It's already the past. We have to learn to live with it and talk about it," he finally said, amazing me. There was silence between us for a moment. "My mother told me that if I'll keep up myself withdrawn for the rest of my life and make taboo out of this accident, you would eventually leave me," he confessed.

"For all the world, I wouldn't leave you, Seth" I assured at once, shocking myself with the amount of anger that was in this assurance. I just didn't really like it when someone drew conclusions that had nothing to do with reality. "I remind you that we have exchanged confessions of love and none of us took it back," I added seriously. "Am I right or not?" I asked, urging him to answer. Seth smiled through his tears, nodding.

"You're right," whispered, touching my cheek gently. "Of course you're right," he admitted, pulling me to the kiss I fervently returned.

At this stage, I couldn't imagine my life without this man. _High-minded words for a 16-year-old,_ a more critical person would say. However, it was so. From the very beginning no one gave us the smallest chances for a relationship and happiness. Colleagues from Seth's basketball team laughed at him for getting on to an immigrant kid. It was whispered in the corridors that our relationship was a form of a bet, just to fuck and humiliate me. And our mothers also didn't look favorably on our relationship because they had to accept that they have gay sons. We didn't have any support from the very beginning. Who would have thought we would survive that long? What else could it have been but real love?

"Let's try," I whispered in Seth's ear when his hands had been under my shirt for a long time and I was sitting on his lap.

"But you mean just right now?" the blond was shocked at my directness.

"So when?" I asked, laughing. "It won't work out again at the worst," I shrugged, as if it meant nothing to me. However, I was very stressed. I didn't know what was on my mind to go out with it first.

I was sixteen, Seth nineteen this year. I assumed he had his needs, he was an adult man after all. We've been together almost two years, so we've waited incredibly long with everything. The only thing that scared us was that the sex of two guys was supposed to hurt a lot. Whenever we would talk about it before, we came to the conclusion that spitting each other off by hand, blow or smaller caresses in the bathtub, so far, satisfy us. Anal sex was out of the question. However, how long could we wait?

"How you want to do it?" blond asked, looking at me closely.

"I'll be the bottom," I whispered, getting our foreheads together.

"Hyuck, for god's sake..." Seth muttered anxiously.

"You're almost two meters tall," I suddenly started laughing. "How else do you imagine it?" I asked with amusement and he shrugged, smiling too. I knew that harming me was the biggest nightmare possible for Seth. He raised voice at me once, when we argued and then was troubled by it the whole next week, still apologizing to me. He wouldn't forgive himself any physical harm for the rest of his life. He was such a man. "It will hurt a little and stop," I assured him, not believing it myself. But it didn't matter that much to me. I was used to much more harm. I didn't think that anything could outbeat my father's spanking.

"I don't want you to hurt," he said with disarming honesty. In response, I just smiled, joining our lips.

"Come on," I whispered. "Just undress me," I added, unbuttoning his belt. Seth hesitated for a moment but finally did what I asked him to.

When the blond's t-shirt ended on the ground next to his pants and my clothes, the boy slowly tilted me rearwards, placing carefully on back. When covered me with his body, I knew I had made the right decision.

I was safe with him.

He would never hurt me.

Finally, Seth's hand was in my panties, his mouth on my lower abdomen. I was already breathing quite loudly at this innocent stage, waiting excitedly for what would happen next. It was an experiment that we both wanted to carry out for a long time. 

An experiment that makes you horny.

"How did it go?" the blond asked me uncertainly when we were both completely naked.

"Fingers" I reminded him calmly because I saw how it all stresses him. "Try after three" I sighed as he pressed lips to mine as to divert all my attention from it. We used to try finger tricks while bathing. We ended at two and decided it won't work. I was hoping it would be different this time. And it really was. I tried to relax as much as possible and Seth tried to be as gentle as possible. The problems began after all, when the fingers were to be replaced by something much thicker. I groaned softly at the entrance, clenching fingers against Seth's hair.

"Maybe..." he began uncertainly but I interrupted him.

"All at once," I whispered bravely, though it hurt like hell anyway. When the boy made my order, I shouted loudly and it was definitely not a cry of pleasure. I pinned nails firmly into his back, pressing lips against boy's shoulder with all might. Seth was bravely silent and I tried to use it and calm my breathing. I breathed loudly through my nose, counting to ten in mind. It was getting better every second. "Try it now," I whispered, falling back. I had enough, I was exhausted and we didn't even start.

"I'm sorry," Seth said, kissing me slowly.

"A big cock is not a reason to be ashamed," I joked, wanting to somehow defuse the atmosphere. "You have nothing to apologize for," I assured, seeing mediocrity of my joke.

"What sick person has come up with such a shabby way of sex?" Seth asked me with real foror over it and I started laughing loudly. He was impossible.

"I don't know," I shrugged. "Probably some perverted faggot," I murmured, pulling him into a kiss. I pat Seth's ass when we still haven't moved further. "You said A, now B. Come on," I murmured, embracing his neck.

Seth obeyed.

And I knew it was going to be sex I won't forget for the rest of my life.

"We want to go on tour," Seth muttered after a long silence. We lay on the couch, without any desire to get dressed and bring order. The blond slowly ran his fingertips over the wounds on my back, indulging in a moment of thought. "Come with me, let's get out of here," he suddenly suggested. I got up slightly on his chest and looked surprised.

"Father will kill me," I finally said. "He'll find me and kill me, Seth," I told him with growing panic. Did we really have to talk about it right after the first sex? Couldn't he wait a bit to ruin my mood?

"You're safe with me," he assured, sliding thumb over my cheek.

"I'm afraid," I whispered, doing the same over boy's lips. "It's a serious decision," I said. If I went on tour with Seth, I would have to leave home forever. There is no going back to such a place. The price for treason of family in my model was belt bruise to death.

"I love you" the blond whispered in response. "I love you the most in the world. You have nothing to be afraid of," he assured me and I believed him. "I'll always be with you, Lee Donghyuck. Always by your side."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I used to like Seth more than Mark at this point tbh ^^" But now is totally different, fortunately.
> 
> * f(x) - Goodbye Summer (feat. DO of EXO)


	22. Mutual disappointment

**[end of september 2019]**

**[minhyung]**

I trembled all over my body from an unusual tangle of different emotions that began to boil in me from the morning. I walked around the apartment talking on the phone with Steven. With each subsequent meter I broke through, my irritation increased, gradually choking anxiety. I had the impression that all problems suddenly fell on my head because the ignorance of others left them unsolved.

"Maybe it's just enough to go home to him and check it out?" asked Steve, who sounded like my phones were starting to get boring. I knew that he had everything and everyone deep in the ass but I didn't think that so much.

"Believe me, I've already been there," I sighed heavily. "At first, his mother probably took me for a thug, although I lived with her a few months next door. When I asked about Hyuck, she was terrified and just shook head, almost closing the door in my face. "

"Does she know you work with us?" he was surprised.

"Rather not but that's not even the point now," I nodded wearily. Such issues weren't currently a priority. Izzy unsuccessfully wanted to start a conversation with me for a few minutes but I waved her aside again. I didn't have time for any stupidity and she hasn't done anything else but it lately. "Donghyuck wrote her a text yesterday so that she would leave the door open for the night and if he doesn't come back, she shouldn't worry too much about it because he'll definitely appear the next day," I said. "In a word, he was really fully aware of why he was going to Marco yesterday and what condition he would come out of, Steve," I replied, somewhat devastated by my own discovery. The man, however, didn't respond to the message in the way I suspected. He laughed as if he had expected such a turn of events.

"This boy always knows how to decode the impending danger," he sighed tiredly. After a moment of silence, he decided to continue speech. "The only information I can tell you right now is that I found his clothes in the basement when I came to work," the man replied slowly. "Somehow, before he disappeared, he still had time, imagine that, for changing clothes, leaving a dirty, bloody pile of rags on the ground."

"At least we know he should still be alive," I remarked grimly.

"He should..."

♥

**[donghyuck]**

When I was little, my aunt often took me to the opera and philharmonic. She sat us next to each other on a chair and told to admire art.

Aunt was an artist.

After the Music Academy, she quickly found a job in her profession. She began to lead a successful life, entered the path of the so-called lucrative career.

Aunt was very unhappy.

Lost in her own ideals and striving for perfection, she missed the opportunity to love and start a happy family life.

Aunt died young.

She suffered from frequent mood swings. Very easily, in just a few seconds from the state of euphoria, she fell into deep apathy.

Aunt committed suicide.

One windy day, she climbed the roof of the hotel where she slept during the trip and gently fell from its edge down. That's how I always imagined it.

Aunt loved Vivaldi.

When she took me to her apartment, it reverberated with _Psalm 126 "Nisi Dominus"_ usually performed by Andreas Scholl. This music always made me feel a little like falling down the dark abyss. It often sounded in my head just like now and couldn't leave it, hypnotizing my thoughts, completely turning off the perception of the outside world. Along with this psalm, a soul that tried to break free from the body or a body that tried to experience peace of mind, suffered.

I was dead.

Looking blankly out the window at the gray sky, I saw lazy raindrops settling on the glass.

I cried.

My eyes didn't produce heavy tears. My chest didn't gasp hysterically.

I cried silently and slowly.

I cried in pain.

When the chapped lips gently moved, imitating Scholl's words, small drops emerged from under the eyelids and hurried down to disappear somewhere around the nape of the neck.

Through the state of my dementia, somewhere in the background, the sound of the phone began to ring, which was ringing not the first and probably not the last time. However, before I could consider all the pros and cons of reaching my hand out towards the mobile, the music stopped. I slowly turned head towards it, looking dispassionately and lingeringly at the same time. I was wondering what time it is, what day we have, whether my mother wasn't worried that much, whether the profitability of reaching for a telephone is balanced with the effort accompanying it. Before I could make that decision, the cell phone spoke again. I sighed, afraid that it would cost me something to actually do it. I moved fingers subtly on the passenger seat material and slowly took hold of the object with my fingertips. I grimaced hard, pulling the phone up to my eyes and let out an agony grunt between my lips. Suddenly I felt all my guts and apparently I didn't commit a particularly demanding physical effort.

Seth.

I closed eyelids for a few seconds and answered the call, switching on the speaker immediately.

"Hey," I croaked, placing the mobile on my chest. I barely recognised my own voice.

"Something happened?" asked the boy who probably had a built-in automatic warning system. I loved him and hated him at the same time for that.

"No," I lied. "I just started sleeping off a hard day at work," I whispered not to strain my diaphragm. There was silence on the other side of the phone. Seth - the only person who wasn't affected by my pathological lying. "We'll talk about it later, okay?"

"Good," he murmured in dissatisfaction. "But this is nothing serious?"

"Why are you calling, Seth?" I asked in a weak voice.

"We're playing at the _Metro_ tomorrow, that's why I wanted to ask if you would come by. I haven't seen you for a long time," he explained but his voice sounded slightly dissatisfied with the fact that he didn't quite know what was happening to me and what condition I was in.

"I will" smiled under breath, trying to transfer this joy also to the sound of words. I didn't want to worry Seth too much with myself. At the same time, I knew that it was simply impossible because the boy was constantly worried about something new. He didn't need the status of a relationship at all to be this way.

"Are you sure you have nothing more to say to me?" he asked vigilantly.

"On the spot, Seth," I asked. "I'll tell you everything on the spot," I assured, inhaling and exhaling shallowly.

"Let it be so" he replied without conviction. "I have a few things to tell you too and I'd rather do it personally."

"Good," I agreed slowly. "See you tomorrow then" I said goodbye, quickly ending the call.

For a long time, I have had a need to talk to other people about problems that bother me. It had to be a person whom I trust completely. Only Seth was meeting such criteria. However, the main problem was that I was too much worried about his safety to leave all my burdens on his head just like that. Therefore, this conversation couldn't take place on a fully serious ground. It required time and investigation of the situation but it certainly awaited us.

I took the phone carefully and looked at the screen. I had seven missed calls from Steven and twenty-three from Minhyung. The desire to laugh bitterly at this situation held back only the fear of pain that would accompany it.

I slowly reached into my pocket for the drugs, which I prepared yesterday for this not very pleasant morning. I slipped them gently between my lips and carefully moved by tongue to the back of mouth to swallow it slowly. I didn't have to wait too laboriously for the effect because the relief came relatively quickly. The drug made me able to sit in the driver's seat and drive home.

It was raining.

The black bag was on the passenger seat but I didn't feel like taking it to Mark now. I came to the conclusion that nothing would really happen to him if he waited a little for it. In addition, my appearance left a lot to be desired. Even if I changed yesterday, there was still smeared, dried blood on my face and body and probably a lot of bruises and cuts on my skin as well. I didn't want Lee to see me like this. I seemed weak and worthless to him now even without such looks.

No matter how you look at it, I still wasn't sure if he'd put his hand to yesterday's incident. Part of me sincerely doubted it but the latter generated regret and disappointment. It wasn't possible for me to see through mind of this man sometimes. 

He hated me or desired? 

He wanted to protect or be the death of me?

I wish he knew it himself.

My journey home didn't last long. On one hand, our general area was surrounded by forest and on the other, there were plenty of places for a spontaneous stopover. I slowly pulled into the driveway, noticing the slight movement of curtains at my neighbors' corner. My mother also apparently watched the streets from the living room because as soon as I turned off the engine, she ran down the stairs and slowly walked to the driver's door. I sighed heavily, getting out of the car. Mother reflexively grabbed my arm, which made me think I wasn't looking good. She gestured lively with one hand but I didn't even want to look at what she had to say. I grabbed her gently by the hands and wrapped my arms tightly.

"I'll explain everything later," I rasped out. "Now I would like to wash and sleep."

I had no intention of discussing it with her, it was just an empty statement and she fully understood it. I held forehead on her shoulder for a while, then lowered arms along body and kissed mother gently on the cheek. When I started going toward the door, the woman followed me in silence. 

The tragedy of her life situation resulted from the fact that even if she wanted to, she had no way to protest.

♥

**[minhyung]**

I tried to find the meaning of my worries among the clouds of levitating cigarette smoke. It was the first time I had put an all-nighter because of some stupid shit. I knew that these were unnecessary emotions - emotions that could threaten me and bring to the bottom. After all, constant worry was heavy on my heart, blocking other thoughts that I should devote my time to now.

But I couldn't.

Donghyuck confused me some time ago. Unknowingly, he was upsetting me emotionally because evoked good feelings, which were also so unnecessary and bad in this world. Currently, caring for another person was deadly for me. I was standing on uncertain ground, still exposed to a blow.

Caring for another person made me weak.

I knew that if Hyuck were in the field of any danger, I would stand on my head to move it away from him. Whether it depended on the boy's temperament or the color of his eyes, he acted on me in a way that didn't herald anything good. Only his or my escape into the unknown could save me. Today, however, I was worried about his health, I wondered what he was doing now, where he was and whether he lived at all. Hundreds of accumulated questions didn't lead to finding the answer but rather to even greater nervousness and confusion.

Officially through this incident with Marco I could admit that Lee Donghyuck muddled me up and I was completely helpless about this discovery.

♥

**[donghyuck]**

I was slowly throwing off unnecessary clothes, wincing occasionally. I didn't feel much pain, however, thanks to all the medicines I took. My suffering was more psychological because it was the sight of my body that hurt me the most.

When I took off shirt, I saw everywhere extensive patches of purple and dark blue, through which only here and there a natural skin tone could be seen. Wounds with dried blood pulsed with unpleasant warmth, as if they could open at any moment despite their small size and the healing process that had already begun. Since I started working, I've also lost some weight, which only made the nightmare look of my body even more pronounced. It seemed as if a rotten corpse was standing in front of the mirror, from which the skeleton would soon be deprived of its earlier skin coating.

I looked away in disgust at my reflection. I felt like crying and screaming at the same time because this wasn't what my life was supposed to be like now. I imagined everything differently.

I bit hand tightly, clenching eyes.

I promised myself I'd be strong. When my father disappeared, I thought I had already overcome the biggest obstacle in my path. I couldn't get humiliated and crushed right now. I could not be reduced to the rank of an object again.

Some time ago I created my alter ego. 

The latter Donghyuck decided that nothing could be broken anymore. Whoever he may become and what he will go through, he will be strong - he will remove every obstacle from his path.

♥

**[minhyung]**

Looking hopefully on the phone, I felt like the last fool. I wasn't a rejected boyfriend or guy after a marital argument and the screen still had a record of calls made without a single response. The list was long and monotonous because it was limited to one name only. I almost got nystagmus from his excess.

My attention was unexpectedly diminished by small fingers, efficiently getting to my fly. I sighed calmly, gently grabbing Izzy's hands but strongly rejecting them at the same time. I turned to face the girl whose look expressed surprise and determination.

"Can you give me peace of mind today?" I asked irritably

"What's the matter with you lately?" answered the question with a question.

"I don't feel like having sex, Isabelle," I replied straight from the shoulder. "I would ask you not to push your hands where I don't want to," I pointed out gently, although I could read from her eyes that even if she understood she wasn't going to implement it. I shook head in fatigue. "If your crotch is itching so much, scratch it," I murmured in disgust and passed her, heading into a room where she had no access.

The space was filled not only with moving boxes. I kept all important documents, weapons, clothes for special occasions and trips here. There were also bags in various shades of black and navy blue that I took for travel abroad and domestic. Everything seemed to have its own place here, everything was in an undisturbed order. Only from a corner a box with old memories of the center nostalgically looked at me. Looking at the mask Luke was wearing, I began to wonder if it was the past that would speak to me. Is that what he meant, that I would lose someone again, that someone would leave me again and that I would be all alone.

"Mark" suddenly called out Isabelle, interrupting the stream of my winding thoughts. I winced slightly, glancing one last time at the cardboard with mixed memories. I was curious when I would drop this baggage of my past and learn to take my own steps in the present, going ahead.

I closed the door quietly behind me and entered the kitchen to take a cup of coffee, which probably had already cooled down. I didn't hurry to my embarrassing roommate. Increasingly, I had the thought that it was better to leave her where she lived and lead a life, although lonely, but certainly live in a holy peace.

In the vestibule between the kitchen and living room I already had a wonderful view of what was happening there. I bet many men would fall on their knees before Satan to have such attractions every day but I've always been different. Maybe my lack of interest resulted from the fact of orientation or maybe from the fact that I actually had these attractions almost every day.

Izzy sat on the counter top with alcohol, legs folded on a high bar chair. In this way she exposed all her feminine charms. She was completely naked and her white skin inexplicably attracted all the light from the room, making it look like actually she was the one to brighten the living room. She was beautiful as always, I couldn't deny it even being a complete madman. The girl tied hair in a messy bun, revealing breasts to the whole world. If thoughts of a completely different person wouldn't bother me so much, I would have no hesitation to be by her side now. However, from the morning I kept saying that today is not the right time and I was going to uphold these words.

"Isabelle..." I sighed like a father tired of the eternal play of his four-year-old daughter. The girl, however, put forefinger gently to lips and then pointed it at me, ordering to approach her. I rolled eyes, putting coffee on the table. I accepted the fact that I won't be able to drink it today. "You won't leave me alone, will you?" I asked.

"I won't," she confirmed in a flirtatious voice. When I stood by her, she gently pushed the stool away with foot and put both around my neck.

"Dress up, Izzy," I whispered, noting that the blonde wasn't even wearing a gram of lingerie.

"Give me your hand," she said firmly, which I did reluctantly after showing a moment of dissatisfaction. Isabelle put it firmly between her legs, looking me into the eyes. "What do you feel?" she murmured.

"You're wet," I said calmly, without much enthusiasm.

"That's right," she admitted. "That's why you should do something about it because you are still thinking about unnecessary things."

"Izzy..." I started really tired of her behavior today. "How many times do I have to explain to you that I really don't want to be comforted? I have my business on mind and your contortions on the counter won't solve them. For grace of lord..." my litany was interrupted by the sound of magnetic card opening the door. We both turned slightly towards it to see the masked boy with the bag in his hand.

Donghyuck.

Brunet put the bag in the corridor, facing me. His eyes rolled slowly down my palm and naked Isabelle, as if this kind of genre scene wasn't shocking at all. Even if the lips were lying, the eyes are rather able to reflect real emotions and the boy from beginning to end was bored with what he sees. In the end, Hyuck's eyes found mine and what peeked out of them was pure irony and resignation. It was the eyesight of the person who was expecting all this but was still disappointed. At least in this way I read this message.

The boy lowered head, looking behind him at the bag and dismissively added the sweatshirt I had once lent him. Then I was able to see his back and hands pressed into pockets because just as he appeared quickly and unexpectedly, he left the same way, leaving behind the silent slam of the door.

"Oopsie" Izzy summed up, though she didn't feel guilty or worried at all. She certainly didn't see any obstacles in continuing her fun but I was embarrassed by all this. I pulled the hand out of the girl's embrace and with rage painted on my face, I went for the bag. "What the fuck is your problem right now?" she asked indignantly.

"Shut the map, Isabelle," I said sharply, pointing an accusing finger at her. I pressed lips tightly, stopping the stream of curses that pressed against it. Instead, I restrained temper and found other words. "Don't talk to me today cause I can kill you in anger."

♥

**[donghyuck]**

Walking through the club, I rubbed against many strangers. I began to wonder how easier my life would be now if Minhyung was such a person. I wouldn't have to think about how hopeless a guy is and how much I can't free myself from him. Lee turned out to be a toxic human being because was occupying my thoughts even when he was far away and didn't show up before my eyes.

I slipped into the back unnoticed. Paradoxically, a guy with a mask on face and a hood on head these days should pay special attention to everyone around but here it wasn't. Maybe it was due to the fact that I was in a typical metal or rock club or maybe because nowadays people are very ignorant. The corridor and facilities for artists and employees were supposed to be only for their use but in fact everyone could enter if courage allowed him. If I hadn't learned this from Seth, I would probably have also been unaware that you can pee to a clean toilet in such place. On the other side of the _staff only_ everything seemed better.

When the door slammed behind me, the music magically lost its strength, leaving only a slight rumbling and trembling of bass in the floor. The corridor was lit only by a bland red light, which didn't create a sense of security. I felt like I was on my way to a room in a dingy brothel. I walked over a bit, stepping uncertainly on the cheap bloody carpet and finally stopped. Seth should be already waiting for me at the door but something must have taken him time. I leaned back against the wall and decided to be patient.

The corridor was extremely quiet. From time to time, only the toilet door or team room slammed around the corner. Nobody passed by me. I stood at a blind spot but I set myself up in such a way that I could see everything when I needed to. Space control mania would never leave me.

Finally, Seth came around the corner, ignoring all health and safety rules and put out a smoldering cigarette in a brothel-like carpet.

"Hello, baby boy," he whispered tenderly, hugging me tightly. I suppressed a moan of pain, not wanting to worry him right away. I was hoping that he would keep his warm tone, which made me feel safe like never before. "Why are you so wrapped up?" he asked, pulling the hood off me nimbly.

"It's nothing," I said softly, brushing hair. I had to cut it down a long time ago but somehow I could never find time for it.

"Why do you need this mask?" he said carefully, reaching behind my ear. I closed eyelids tightly, not even going to protest. From the beginning it was clear that by agreeing to this meeting, I wouldn't avoid talking about bruises. In my heart, however, I truly desired and needed this talk.

♥

**[minhyung]**

Whenever I argued with Isabelle, she would force me to do different things. Even if the fault was one hundred percent on her side, I was still guilty and totally responsible. I've got used to it all these years. Living with a woman prepares people for life and compromises, teaches the art of negotiation and enduring failure in this field.

Last time we were at an open-air concert, this time it was a subordinate club like _Metro_. Izzy said the same band is playing here lately. The girl loved it, and I didn't even remember its name or at least one song. For the sake of peace, I agreed with the hope of burying the ax of discord.

I went out quietly into the corridor, perfectly aware of my lack of permission to stay in this place. I've learned from experience that open-access toilets are always much less cleaner than those at the back, so I brazenly used this boon, although it was forbidden. When I wanted to go out silently through the back door, I heard male voices in the corridor that led to safer doors than those at the bar. I sighed irritably, hugging the wall to safely peer around the corner.

Halfway there, I saw Donghyuck with a tall man. I couldn't help the ironic smile because fate seemed to love to give me such situations. History loved to repeat itself and its malice was simply an amazingly measured dose. When I slept with Hyuck for the first time, it was on the beach on the day of the band's concert, which Isabelle took me to today. Such cases apparently liked to walk on people with weak nerves, the group of I undoubtedly belonged to.

"What happened?" I heard a cool, unknown voice. The boy whom Donghyuck talked to seemed to be angry and resentful. I set myself in the shadow to calmly watch this meeting from behind.

"Accident at work?" Lee laughed nervously without any trace of genuine amusement in his voice. I guessed it must have been about what he was looking like after Marco's meeting.

"No fucking bullshit," the stranger snorted, putting one hand on hip and the other rubbing face in nervousness. The boy lowered head as if felt guilty about the whole situation, although he definitely shouldn't. "Hyuckie, baby..." the man began quite gently. I would be lying if I said that I hadn't internally grimaced at this diminutive. Instead of continuing, the boy raised Hyuck's face so high that I could see at least his condition. He probably had the most bruised areas around his chin and mouth, the corners of which had darker spots, which were probably dried wounds. Donghyuck just grimaced at the touch of other fingers; he didn't protest. "Just because we're not together anymore doesn't mean I'm worried less," he said suddenly after a long silence, which immediately explained the whole situation. This is the first time in my life I have had the opportunity to see this wonderful Seth up close, whom I wanted to meet for so long. I had him at my fingertips but he still seemed too far away.

"I'm sorry, I didn't want it," Hyuck suddenly choked in a broken voice.

"Why are you apologizing to me?" Seth laughed, confused by this statement. He was probably just as shocked as I was. "Don't cry" he added gently after a moment, wiping the dark-haired cheeks. "Hey kid, look at me," he asked softly but met with firm protest in the form of a nod. "Okay, don't look, then," he laughed again, probably wanting to cheer up his ex-boyfriend. But when Lee hugged him tightly, Seth's expression changed completely, revealing all worries.

"I never thought it would ever happen again," Donghyuck began to sob, clenching fingers tightly against the blond sweatshirt. Latter was slowly combing his hair in a gesture of calmness. Because the dark-haired was in complete disarray, I couldn't even find the dominant feeling of jealousy. It was there but it didn't stand out in the foreground like it did at the very beginning. "It all started again," he added in a cracking voice. The taller boy just nodded thoughtfully, rocking the shorter in arms slightly. They clearly shared this situation emotionally because both were equally close. All I understood was that Donghyuck now treated Marco as an evil comparable to deceased father.

"Will you let me look at it?" Seth asked, when it seemed that Haechan had calmed down a little. The boy nodded slowly and leaned back against the wall. The blond crouched close to him, then raised shirt up. I winced at the very moment Seth cursed loudly. "Holy shit," he muttered under breath. "Will you hold it for me?" murmured in concentration, handing Hyuck the edge of blouse. I followed my eyes just behind the man's fingers, looking at their way through the simple hematomas and the swellings, which looked literally tragic. The boy pressed from time to time somewhere on Hyuck's stomach but he devoted most of the time to the sides of the body. "It hurts?" he asked after some time, gently moving fingertips over the vast bruises.

"No, I took the injection," he replied mysteriously but they both seemed perfectly familiar with the prevention system that the brunet was using. Seth only sighed heavily, as if all that was left to do and stood up, lowering Lee's shirt down.

"Well, I think the ribs are all right but tomorrow I'll take you to my mother and we'll do an x-ray, allright?" he said firmly and the brunet just nodded slightly. "Hyuckie..." he began cautiously, taking Donghyuck's face in hands. "We need to talk seriously, you know that, right?"

"I know," came the answer, followed by a long silence. They had some strange exchange of glances but I stood too far to judge exactly what it was about and what meaning was hiding between those looks. "Can I get a brave patient sticker first?" Donghyuck said suddenly, releasing tension and making Seth laugh.

"And how am I supposed to treat you like an adult?" asked amused, kissing the brunet gently on the forehead. "I'm going on stage now. Where should I look for you later? " he asked more seriously.

"In the crowd," he replied calmly. "I will wave to you."

"Good..." the blond sighed. I felt that he didn't want to leave Hyuck alone after what he saw. I didn't want too but I planned to monitor the room from a distance with my eyes.

Finally, Seth took few steps back from the place where he stood and started going towards me, so I took a step back as well, where the silhouette was covered fully by darkness. The blond turned left, where there were rooms for the bands, showing me his back. He was tall but not as well-built as I expected from a former basketball player. The boy's face was still a mystery to me because the bland light of the red lamps only illuminated the outline of his profile. I knew now that I needed to meet him. Since he's in New York, you have to take advantage of the opportunity because the next one may not appear so quickly.

As soon as Seth disappeared into the room, the silence of the corridor was violated by Donghyuck's loud cough, which the boy most likely choked for a long time. When I looked at the brunet, he was wiping saliva mixed with blood on his pants. I didn't even want to guess what was going to happen in his head. In any case, he tried to hide it from others by putting on mask and hood. A slight grunting led him to the door.

I left Hyuck a moment, experiencing the feeling of being attacked by music. It wasn't a big club and has never been filled to the brim in its history. Mostly bands who liked the underground and didn't plan to leave it played here. _Metro_ mostly attracted young people and people in their thirties who liked to wag heads or stomp their feet by the wall with beer in hand. There were few loners here, rather tables or dance floors besieged groups of friends or couples.

Izzy and mine spot was definitely at the bar. Here we felt the best because from a slight elevation there was a view of the entire halls, the stage and the jumping crowd. In Metro we had the status of more passive observers than active participants of the event. These few hours after dark in the underground detached from the outside world and created a climate of utopia.

"Where did you go, they're already on stage," Isabelle remarked as I stood beside her. I didn't answer because the girl didn't expect my answer at all.

I stared at the crowd, searching for Donghyuck. Instead of a boy, however, I saw dozens of similar people who were swaying sideways to the rhythm of the music, which they probably didn't know in three-quarters. Here, more whispered marketing was in effect - someone told someone that they had heard from another person that they are supposed to play here nicely, so why not come. Therefore, I didn't rule out the option that the brunet simply hid somewhere, wanting to wait out the concert of the ex-boyfriend.

I felt a strong elbow nudge from Isabelle and gave her an annoyed look. Instead of explaining what she meant, the girl just grabbed my chin and turned head towards the pillar in the corner on the other side of the room. Hyuck leaned against the stone pole, looking thoughtfully at the stage. He carefully chose a place free from the hustle and bustle, from which he could watch the playing band in peace. I looked at Izzy in disbelief but the blonde successfully ignored it, smiling supremely under breath.

She knew.

I was only interested in how long ago she had a feeling that I had not necessarily lived only work recently. Women sometimes felt things even faster than men knew them. Whenever she came up with it, it was clear that she kept it to herself. For this, among other things, I valued her as a friend and loved her as a woman.

Seth's concert didn't last very long. The guys played about five songs and left the stage but the joyful whistles and shouts said goodbye to them. Actually, I didn't expect such behavior from the public because it was extremely picky and rather didn't accept many new products. The indulgence of the crowd could be due to the fact that they had their own songs because cover groups rarely were accepted here. In this case, they had to be either the best or local because people usually got too attached to the originals to appreciate the different sound of the same song.

The next band began to enter the stage to prepare their equipment and do a sound check, so I looked away from it. I looked up at the place where Hyuck should stand but the boy was no longer there. I sighed quietly, looking around the room. I felt like I was playing looking for differences between incredibly similar pictures. Lee, however, melted into the air. With a look of discontent on my face, I took out a packet of cigarettes and lit one. There was no need to worry about smoke detectors because there were none here. The _Metro_ effectively violated many of the rules in the security books but nobody seemed to mind that, although everyone in the area knew about it.

"You gave a great concert today," I heard Izzy talk to some guy again. She did it quite often, when she liked them very much but she usually didn't go any further, so I didn't pay much attention to them.

"Thanks" laughed at her interest, then began to order beer. Separating myself from this conversation, I once again searched the place and finally found the person I was looking for. Donghyuck stood in the crowd without a hood, talking to a group of boys who had previously played with Seth. From here I concluded that only one is missing and the rest gets along well without him.

"I'm Izzy," the girl suddenly introduced herself, putting an amused smile on my lips. She announced it in such a way that if he had eyes he was already hers.

"Seth," the boy replied, drawing my attention immediately. However, I let out smoke slowly from mouth and looked carefully at him. The first thing that struck me was his beauty. I could barely refrain from a quiet cursing under breath. Indeed, there was something to look at. Suppressing all prejudices and jealousy, I was able to admit that Seth was the male equivalent of the absolute beauty of Isabelle. "Do you have an opener?" he asked the bartender hopefully but he only shook head in denial. The boy apparently took beer from under the counter because I have never seen bottled here. "Can I borrow a lighter?" he suddenly turned to me. Without a word, I reached into pocket and gave him what he wanted. I was wondering whether to pull on the conversation somehow but Izzy, as usual, found the perfect moment to flirt.

"Do you do something after the concert?" she asked bluntly, which caused the blond shocked, slightly embarrassed laugh.

"Sorry, baby, but I'm going straight home," he replied, still smiling broadly, opening beer quickly. The music was already playing so loudly that there was not even a sound of the cap falling on the ground. He wanted to reach out to me with a lighter but something immediately caught his attention. I bit lower lip, realizing that all this time I was using the one Hyuck gave me at a beach and which I had no opportunity to give him back. Seth had apparently recognised it somehow, though I had no idea how come because at first glance it was just all white as many others.

"Something's wrong?" I asked with a bit of nonchalance, as if I was in a hurry to take away my property. After a moment of consternation, the boy shrugged, gently running his thumb over the plastic.

"Nothing special," he replied thoughtfully. "It's just that this world is really small," he smiled, handing me a lighter. "Thanks, man", he winked at me, then went down the stairs into the rocking crowd. I frowned at this piece of white plastic.

"He's divine," Izzy suddenly sighed.

"And you pathetic," I murmured. "Focus on it better, tell me what's so special about this lighter instead of dealing with stupid things." The girl with an offended face pulled the object out of my hand, then rolled eyes.

"Don't you feel it engraved, you idiot?" she asked, massaging the plastic with fingertips. I did the same and indeed, I felt small protuberances under fingers, like oriental flowers or dozens of small letters. In the light of club lamps, I saw on average what could be there but I decided to investigate the matter at home.

Seth deftly began to wade through people to his friends. As soon as he stood by Hyuck, he took the mask off his mouth firmly and put it in pants pocket. Brunet looked at him and said something slowly. However, Seth shook head, touching the bruising on his cheek. Hyuck sighed clearly, continuing speech but the blond quickly interrupted, putting the hand on his lips. Haechan wrinkled nose and when Seth did the same, mocking him, he started laughing, giving a nudge with fist and turned face to the stage.

The new band has already started playing their songs, which has revived the audience. They were quite well known here for performing various Placebo songs and the crowd greeted them with loud shouts. One of Seth's buddies shrugged with a smile for certain he couldn't help the fact that they were less popular. When the guitars hit harder with sound, the wave pushed everyone forward. Seth, constantly monitoring the whole situation, quickly threw hands over Donghyuck and put chin on boy's head. I grunted slightly at the sight of this lovely picture. I wondered if every couple had behaved this way after breaking up. Despite my calmness, I didn't know if I would be able to look at it for a long time. Similar observation increased the wounds on my pride. Guys usually, if they see someone, treat them almost from the beginning as their own. I had this property on paper from Marco.

Being in the same room with the two now, I questioned this possession, feeling overwhelming helplessness.

♥

**[donghyuck]**

The combination of medication, a few sips of beer and good music helped me endure all the pain associated with crowd migrations. Somehow I also felt incredibly safe for the first time in a very long time. Seth stood persistently behind me and sang to himself, which I could easily sense through moving chin, that he rested on my head.

I didn't understand the mechanism of my reasoning because I had a wonderful man at hand. Many people would kill for such a faithful and caring boyfriend. After all, I didn't feel full with him, I still lacked something. I've been wondering for a long time whether I should choke this feeling of lack or whether it is time to look for someone to fill it. Seth meant some stability, a long-term relationship that, though happy, wouldn't be able to achieve fullness. But I could always count on him, he was always able to take care of me and make sure we didn't run out of anything. Our relationship endured many difficulties and overcame many obstacles.

Why, then, having such a boy by my side, closing eyes, saw the other? The other, which carried quite opposite values. Feelings of eternal danger, uncertainty, a definite lack of stability, since he pushed hands into the female crotch, recognizing himself as a homosexual person. Minhyung was unpredictable, brutal, mysterious and dangerous. If he wanted to take something, he took it violently, without thinking, usually by force. The future with black-haired has always been blurred whenever I wanted to outline it in moments of weakness.

Seth was a dot.

Minhyung was a question mark.

I was drawn to bad choices since I was a child. I ran away from simple solutions, suffering more than once, when life got more complicated because of it. I've never been belaying, so I began to wonder if I'm at this moment in my life when I should go this way.

When Seth had an accident, I camped at his bed, although he fell into a coma for three months and the doctors gave him a poor chance of waking up. At that time, it never crossed my mind that I was lacking anything in my life because all my thoughts were with the blonde. It always seemed to me that we are an incredibly well-coordinated pair. When Seth wasn't with me, I felt bad about my family and life situation. The very presence of the boy lifted spirits and this condition persists until now; however, Mark appeared. As befits a villain, he caused anxiety in my heart and completely overwhelmed thoughts.

"What are you thinking about so deeply?" I heard right at ear, shuddering slightly. I was caught wandering in a completely different dimension, which wasn't a comfortable feeling. I turned to face the boy and smiled slightly.

"My work colleague is a Placebo fan," I lied partially. Although Steven really liked this band, it has now become only a convenient excuse. "I think he might like it here now."

"Mhm," he smiled to himself, reading my uncertainty flawlessly but still remained silent. Seth always knew when I wasn't telling him the whole truth. I had no idea how it happened. He just always knew and was fully aware that I was also aware of it. It was our system - I lied but we both stayed in this kind of awareness that it was completely obvious to the other party. " _Can you imagine a love that is so proud?_ " ***** he suddenly sang part of the song played in the background.

" _It never has to question why or how_?" I finished, moving my lips silently. Internally, I could barely suppress loud laughter. In this way, we both made ourselves aware that we accept this relationship that has been going on for years. Seth just shook head in disbelief and kissed my forehead.

_Breathe._

I looked into his eyes shyly, seeing my reflection in them. In this light they seemed unusually dark but I knew they were usually blue, falling slightly into green. When he was angry, they darkened and when he was happy they sparked with malicious imps. Seth's eyes were definitely an emotional reflection of what was happening in his heart and head.

_Breathe._

"Will you forgive me something?" he suddenly asked intently and I only managed to swallow my nervousness because I knew exactly what he meant.

_Believe._

"What?" I said, although it was only playing on time. I was confused myself and couldn't decide quickly what I really wanted.

_Believe._

_Believe._

_Believe._

The boy's mouth met mine much faster than I expected. He simply brushed my lips softly as he had done it thousands of times before and when I didn't react, he deepened the kiss, which I thoughtlessly returned. At first, I didn't think about the consequences of this move because it was already happening. Everything worked - the magic of music, our longing for old peace and my personal emotional breakdown. I needed something solid right now.

I needed Seth.

That's why I tightened fingers on his shirt and let myself be carried away by pure instincts. I let the blonde lead this situation, accepting all kisses. Somewhere in the back of my head, however, I felt that it wasn't appropriate. With this behavior I gave Seth hope and I only hurt myself before the boy's next trip.

I had to push him away.

The blond looked at me shrewdly but I just nodded in the negative. We couldn't do it again. We would be fools, looping this story once more like a vicious cycle that has no way to break. Seth knew this too because we have touched on this topic more than once but stubbornly insisted on a relationship that didn't even have anything positive, any fucking future for us.

"Why?" he asked after all, although knew the answer perfectly well, since it had already fallen between us hundreds of times.

"We'll hurt each other, Seth," I said. "We shouldn't do that and you know it."

"Hyuckie..." he asked when I gave him the beer I kept. Although my heart called for the opposite decision, I patted Seth gently on the chest with open hand and slowly passed him by. The boy let go of my hand helplessly, sighing loudly.

I didn't like it when our meetings ended this way.

♥

**[minhyung]**

I took a sip of beer, although I shouldn't because last time it didn't end well for me. I felt like I was playing in one of those cheap, low-budget Brazilian soap operas. I played the role of a hidden pervert who follows his chick and watches her around with another gonzo. I laughed in the spirit of this comparison but nothing else in my current situation came to mind.

The atmosphere between Hyuck and Seth seemed quite tense anyway and my ability to write subtitles for their conversation ended about ten exchanges of their saliva ago, when I finally got pissed off enough to order one beer. When they finally separated from each other, I decided to follow Lee and make him realize how small he is, by playing on my emotions in this way.

Alcohol mixed with drugs was not responsible for my current mood at all.

I'm a rational man. 

No cheap booze affects my decisions.

Everything was planned, I even took the first few steps but Seth seemed to think much faster and more sober than me. He handed beer to a friend and followed Hyuck as if his life depended on it. When Lee was at the exit, the blond grabbed him by the arm and turned towards him. Brunet didn't look impressed at this turn of things, saying something vividly, while gesturing with hands. Seth answered with the same, if not more, energy. He spoke long and eager, which gave the impression of really beginning to argue in public. With each boy's next word, the expression of Donghyuck from wasted and almost pleading changed into tearful.

After a moment, each of them fell silent, as if there was nothing more to say about the issue. My internal serial animal evoked a burning curiosity, whether the words that were said were bitter and soon they would go off in opposite directions - offended or maybe touching, so they would fall into each other's arms. I didn't hide that for me the first option would be the most convenient but good fortune rarely stood on my side. As if to confirm these thoughts, Haechan put hands around Seth's neck and kissed him rapidly, which the latter naturally returned as quickly as possible.

I just snorted loudly, waving hand at them, then staggered back to the empty chair where Izzy was sitting earlier.

Biased scenario.

2/10?

Separations and returns are overrated.

I wasn't able to think rationally that evening, so I decided to wait for the girl to come back from the toilet and go home with her.

When I turned to look at my darlings one last time, all I had to do was smile ironically.

Nobody was there anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They both will suffer a bit but it will be okay soon, I promise.
> 
> There's no romance without pain, though.
> 
> * Placebo - Loud like love


	23. Diaries of the past: unveiling

**[2 years earlier]**

**[minhyung]**

We sat in a circle, looking at each other, as if we understood our deep thoughts without words. However, the truth was different because everyone here had their own world in which they hermetically closed themselves. They could look at you but their eyes were actually penetrating you or running to the side. We were a community of crazy people but as individuals in this seeming community, we didn't have any common points.

"Luke, can you please take off your mask?" asked the therapist. "We would like to see your face when you talk to us.

"Of course," he answered with a deadly smile, placing a piece of cardboard on the top of head.

"We can start with you or do you prefer to listen to your colleagues first?"

"I have nothing to hide," he replied carelessly, bumbling with foot on the knee of the other leg. He felt very at ease in a situation in which we were all maneuvered.

It was supposedly the same every week. All patients assigned to one doctor were invited to a larger room to avoid being overwhelmed and confessed their sins. Luke told me that week after week everything is supposedly going as before. Each person usually told the story of their lives again but sometimes there were exceptions when people created a completely different picture of their own past. Each time the therapist wrote something in her notebook and said that we would see each other in a week.

For the first month I went through a period of initial quarantine, which was included in the regulations of this institution. As a result, I didn't attend similar group meetings and I had no idea what they were actually about. However, Luke was a veteran here. After two years at the center, he thoroughly worked out every detail of local life. He didn't tell me, of course, all the information he had. Dose everything in healthy proportions to increase my curiosity or save me from loss.

"Why are you here, Luke?" asked the woman.

"Because I killed my parents and sister," he replied calmly, without ceasing to smile slightly.

"Do you feel guilty about that?" she continued but silence answered her. Brunet for a long moment looked around the ceiling, constantly holding hands in pants pockets. Suddenly, however, he clucked tongue, tilting head as if hadn't come to any fascinating conclusion.

"My mother always taught me not to regret anything in my life," he laughed to himself. "Then answer this question for yourself, my lady."

"Thank you for your input," she murmured almost immediately with disappointment, putting a line in notebook. "Suzy?" she suggested.

"Yes?" asked the girl, looking at her interlocutor with big eyes.

"Do you have something to tell us today?" Suzy nodded slowly, covering eyes with fingers. "Don't hesitate, we'll all hear you out."

I didn't listen to her.

I looked at Luke curiously and he was looking back at me all this time. He never wanted to tell me why he was here. He claimed that there would be a day when I would come to it anyway and by that time he wanted to keep me in suspense. We have determined that the therapy day will be the breakthrough moment when we both learn more about each other. We treated it as fun.

Now I knew and he was waiting.

What I heard was disturbing to me in its own way. I lived in one room with the killer. What kind of man had such scruples not to do the same with me? Still, I found peace inside. Surprisingly, Luke's past didn't bother me at all. In fact, what I heard made the boy's character more unusual and interesting.

"Mark?" I heard.

"Yeah?" I replied in shock, breaking away from the honey look of brunet.

"Do you want to add anything today?" asked the woman. "We talked about it. If you don't want or do not feel strong enough... "

"I can," I suddenly found, shocking the therapist. I had a contract.

"Okay" she nodded enthusiastically. "We're listening," she said, preparing a pen to take notes.

"I..." I started, looking at Luke. The boy raised an eyebrow, encouraging me to continue. He challenged me. "I have problems with anger..." said, lacing my fingers. "When something makes me mad, I'm able to hurt other people..." before my eyes Jeno's face appered and I knew that if I could, I'll punch him to death next time we see each other. "And I... I don't feel any emotions," I finished with deep sigh, watching the dark-haired man lower his head on chest, lips curving in an unidentified smile. "Any at all."

**♥**

**[2.5 years earlier]**

**[donghyuck]**

"Donghyuck Lee?" I heard a pidgin version of Korean name behind my back. I haven't met a person in the United States who would ever pronounce it correctly. Even Seth couldn't do it after all these years. I sighed heavily, trampling the cigarette into the asphalt, then stood in front of two uniformed men. My heart started beating faster.

"What is going on?" Seth asked very defensively, although he had absolutely no basis for such a tone. I put my hand lightly on boy's chest, letting him know that it wasn't worth playing a hot shot.

"It's me," I whispered, taking a few steps toward them. I didn't have to be clairvoyant to know why they were looking for me. Actually, I was waiting for this moment from the day I left home. _And it took so long_ , I thought. _It was like a fairy tale just for too long_. After asking about basic data like the address and names of my parents, it was time for some unpleasant truth for which I wasn't ready.

"At your address of residence indicated in the documents, two days ago there was a home police intervention in connection with a call made by neighbors from number 34. As a result of a scuffle between your parents, your mother suffered numerous injuries, consequently she had to undergo surgery and now she is in the hospital... Her condition is stable," he added after a moment, noticing the tears in my eyes.

"And him?" I choked out, barely maintaining voice stability. I was hoping she beat this fucker to death with a meat mallet before he did it to her. But the world has never been fair.

"Until your mother regains consciousness, your father will be under arrest. Until the proceedings are over."

"Oh," I murmured, knocking Seth's hand off my shoulder as he tried to embrace me. I was angry. "Should I go with you now?" I asked hopefully that their answer would be affirmative. I didn't want to unload my anger at myself on the blonde and everything seemed to indicate that I would do it if I didn't get out of here.

"Maybe you can with us, you can also on your own, if it will be more convenient..."

"We'll come alone," Seth spoke first before I could answer anything. "Thank you very much for information."

"Please report to the police station when you reach the city," they said, turning towards the police car. I realized that we're not even in New York. We're fucking kilometers away from my mother who's unconscious somewhere in the hospital. And I'm not with her. I wasn't there to prevent it.

"Hyuckie..."

"I told you he would hurt her if I wasn't around," I just said, looking blankly into space. Tears started running down my cheeks. I haven't cried for so long... "Don't touch me" I raised my voice to the boy when I noticed out of the corner of my eye that he was raising his hand. "Don't touch me, I said!" I yelled when he still put arms around me.

"Calm down, Hyuckie. Don't baste at me," he asked calmly, eyes painful. This situation was also difficult for him for many reasons. I sniffed, shaking head from side to side. I couldn't free myself from the overwhelming feeling of guilt.

"Why did I go with you anywhere" I sobbed when he hugged me tightly. I leaned limply on the boy's chest and simply gave in to the hysteria digesting me from the inside. "I almost killed my mother..."

"It's not your fault, Donghyuck," Seth whispered in a shaky voice, embracing me as if his life depended on it. "Not your fault," he repeated and I knew he was blaming himself as well. Always been like that. We pushed each other into a spiral of the absurd burden of guilt that wasn't assigned to anyone. "We're going to her, take it easy."


	24. Toxic void

**[end of september 2019]**

**[donghyuck]**

Ever since I opened my eyes, they were focused on one point of the room and didn't change the object of interest. I looked at Seth's t-shirt, which was lying on the floor in disarray along with other clothes of quite mixed origin and affiliation. Its uniqueness resulted from a simple equation, which included my first meeting with blond and the day of his accident. This emotional feature combined with the bland morning light that illuminated it made me ask myself some serious existential questions.

_What the fuck am I doing here?_ was one of them.

I had no idea. I was good at giving in to the moment and the spontaneity that resulted from the inability to estimate the adverse effects of an action. I'm afraid that rational man would simply call it ordinary stupidity and recklessness. However, I clearly missed this rationalism.

My body was screaming in physical pain and my soul was screaming because of guilt and injustice in life. Paradoxically, Seth's heavy arm was soothing to my broken ribs, as if this pressure suppressed the suffering that caused my breathing. I was wondering who I was actually trying to cheat in this relationship and it turned out that myself because Seth is not able to replace Minhyung and Minhyung doesn't have Seth's unique qualities. Both are extremely different and their characters did not duplicate at any point.

I closed eyelids for a moment, listening to the calm and even breathing of the blonde. The warm air from his mouth slightly enveloped my neck, making me feel incredibly comfortable and safe. The boy's room brought back memories of the high school and reminded me of the oasis he once was for me. Literally nothing has changed here; everything was the same. Seth's naked body clung to mine as it used to do thousands of times before. Only I seemed different; I was a mismatched element of these puzzles, which originally was to fill the gap but in transport to the store was damaged, destroying now the whole picture.

"Looks like you're awake now," I heard a soft whisper in my ear.

"I'm awake for some time," I said calmly. "If you want, go back to sleep."

In response, I received only laughter suppressed by my neck and the touch of lips flicking my skin. I instinctively smiled under breath and gently ran fingers through the boy's hair. I knew I shouldn't do that but this habit was much stronger than will. After all, Seth was a person whom I loved madly with all my heart for many years and believed that I would never stop loving. How cruel would it be to say that this love is over? Nothing can pass by overnight.

I rolled over slowly, clenching eyelids in pain. After a while I looked into the boy's eyes, wanting to confront the cavernous ton of irises and I found worry in them. When Seth was getting ready to say something, I just shook head slowly, hooking fingertips on his lips. I had no strength now for any serious conversation and if we were to remain in this seeming calm, it could not take place now.

"I'll wait," he announced calmly, taking my hand subtly from face. "Not that I have a special choice, right?" he asked with a slight half-smile.

"True," I replied, closing eyes. I also gave rise to a long silence that completely mastered the room.

This silence was pleasant. It seemed completely unforced and spontaneously initiated. This is what silence should look like among people who have known each other for years and do not feel embarrassed. We were such people but paradoxically we had no future in front of us.

"When do you leave?" I asked hollowly, looking down. I needed to know that to prepare for emptiness, for another abandonment and leaving myself alone. I always gave the impression as if I didn't mind Seth's touring but the same process was constantly taking place in my heart. First burning pain caused by parting; then a few weeks during which I tried to return to normal and forget; later hope came again, when I received a phone call with the message _hey, we'll be in town, long time no see, come to the concert ?_ ; a few moments together and another trip. This was the case every time until I finally managed to get over it.

"I'm staying here for now," he whispered, placing hand on my hip.

"How is that?" I was surprised.

"We finished the tour and decided to go home for a few months," he replied with a smile. "Believe me, if I were to go somewhere again, we wouldn't be lying in one bed now, Hyuckie. I'm not that masochistic. "

I looked into Seth's eyes with a mixture of feelings I had never experienced before. I was really and honestly glad that the boy stayed here but at the same time I felt anxious because I wanted it to turn out to be a lie. I wanted a blonde with me but at the same time I had the feeling that nothing would go between us as it should.

Because somewhere there breathes another man.

Man to whom I began to have more serious feelings.

♥

**[minhyung]**

I woke up with such a strong headache that I haven't experienced in a long time. I felt every thought and every attempt to get it out of consciousness. The gaps in my memory began to bother me almost immediately because I had no idea how I got home. Why I am completely naked, I was able to guess, because all Isabelle's existing limbs were wrapped tightly around me like tentacles. It became clear to me that this woman would sooner or later get what she wanted, so there was nothing rational in opposing her.

"Fucking slut," I muttered under breath. I threw Izzy's leg nervously from my hip and sat on the edge of the bed, hiding hung face in hands. The girl only turned over, revealing her buttocks to me. She continued not to care and shamelessly continued sleeping, leaving me alone with thoughts.

And my thoughts involuntarily returned to the _Metro_. This club, like a living object, burned a hole in me, bringing back memories of the worst order. A crowd of screaming people jumped in front of my eyelids and besides the crowd there was a person who determined my behavior today. 

He was slipping out of my hands more and more; he became more and more distant, more and more inaccessible. I couldn't even assess whether it was directly my fault, his fault or maybe both of us.

I shared a specific relationship with Donghyuck, which from the very beginning didn't have specific colors and shapes. Everything was taking place between us on an uneven plane coined with spontaneity, the need to satisfy sudden desires and inexplicable attraction. This defect also determined the impossibility of establishing healthy feelings between us.

Sometimes I come to the conclusion that it all just started badly and it had even worse continuation because of me. From the very beginning I couldn't talk to him _normally_ , behave _normally_ towards him, _normally_ talk about my feelings and try to arrange everything _normally_. I forcibly escaped from normality, the minimal element of which was at my fingertips. Now, when I could lose this normality any moment, I have just started to notice its positive qualities and the fact how much I want and need it.

Because I'm heading for self-destruction.

Sometimes I want to come back to this beach. I would like everything to go differently from the moment I saw these honey eyes over the flame of the lighter. 

Honey eyes that I haven't started to destroy yet.

That moment was beautiful in its innocence. There was a beginning of something pure and sweet that could flourish and instead it gradually wither away. 

The solution wasn't to take by force but to give it patience that I probably didn't have.

Man is a being who sometimes has to lose something in order to be able to appreciate some aspect of his life again. In my case it was the second man who made me feel threatened. I felt as though my fingers were running out of strength for the fight and the last chance to regain the lost one. 

Actually, I felt as if I had completely lost it and could not do anything at all to reverse the course of the whole situation.

**♥**

**[donghyuck]**

I walked down the dim hall in fear. All the time I had the impression that Marco would come around the corner and let me know that he had not finished that conversation with me yet. Steven considered my fears absurd because it has been over a week since then and I haven't seen Mark or Perez until today.

Lee definitely avoided me for some reason. If he had the chance to pass unnoticed, he did it. If he had any documents to hand to Steven, he called for him, explaining the lack of time or handed it over through an intermediary. When he saw me coming from the other side of the corridor, he turned around and hid in the nearest room, as if to avoid confrontation with me.

At first I thought that he felt guilty about the incident with Marco, that he had a finger in my beating. Steven, however, firmly stated that Minhyung was worried about me and certainly nothing like that happened. Mark's concern was a new phenomenon but I remembered that he had actually called me countless times that day.

The next thought that attacked me was Seth.

Jealousy is an interesting thing but I wasn't 100% sure it was about it. Minhyung has always been different, intriguing, incredibly interesting and appealing. He objectified me but still had a specific magnetism that kept me thinking about him. If he was driven by jealousy, it was only in the category of possession because he certainly did not put any major feelings in relationship with me. He was such a man and such character traits fully defined him.

When I started dangerously shortening my turning distance in the corridor where Mark had his room, my heart pumped blood faster and faster.

And so it was every time.

I always paused by the corner for a second, quietly hoping that maybe this time I could bump into him. I didn't even want to make any conversations. It would be enough for me to just confirm that he is somewhere here, alive and well.

There was always pain in Minhyung's eyes, as if the life he led was a torment, not a gift of fate. Eternal fear and constant suffering were obscured by irony and a false mask of superiority or contempt. He lived all this quietly; he was experiencing all this as if out of the way. For this reason, I have always had the impression that the black-haired will melt in the air any day and I won't even be able to notice this moment.

I didn't stop at the corner today. I found that since I hadn't run into Minhyung over the past week, now this chance is almost zero as well. So I quickened my pace, clenching fingers more tightly on the briefcase as if it were some kind of alternative to all those previous stops. I entered the forbidden corridor with impetus, expecting what is unknown and as usual I collided with the emptiness that greeted me like an old, good friend from childhood.

_Hope_.

It didn't actually leave me completely. Man is sometimes susceptible to such suggestions of the mind that once he does something in spite of the habit and the whole situation will change and magically become what we wanted. However, this didn't happen and Minhyung didn't emerge from nowhere.

I sighed, reassuring my broken heart. I felt a bit like a schoolgirl looking for an unreachable boy she likes in the school corridor. A boy who probably trains secretly to be a master of camouflage. I felt like there was the last nook to check but the unexpected bell for lessons interrupted.

Suddenly I felt strong hit in the back that put me off my stroke. At the last moment I leaned hand against the wall and foreign hands quickly grabbed my shoulders, keeping me in check. A quiet sigh escaped from my lips, not so much from the relief of avoiding falling but from the fact that Minhyung's familiar smell of toilet water reached my nostrils. The boy's fingers, however, quickly freed me, leaving for a moment the impression of pressure on the skin. Black-haired passed me, choking on his cough and when I thought he would go on, he stopped and bent only for the briefcase I had dropped earlier.

I looked up at him, assessing his appearance. He was dressed as usual from head to toe in black, but he didn't look as good today as usual. Something anemic crept in his posture and face. He looked very tired and somehow worried. The ironic Minhyung, whom I knew, hid somewhere outside the walls of this corridor and rather didn't plan to come here suddenly.

"Long time no see," he only said without looking at me. Instead, he began to browse the contents of my briefcase. I had the impression that he wasn't focusing on what was in it but only passively following the letters. If he really wanted to avoid me again today, he could just give it back to me and leave as always.

"That's true," I replied, watching his thin, pale fingers flip through the paper after the paper and then quickly close the plastic folder with an elastic band and leave it still at thigh height. He looked at me with a stony face, almost dispassionately and quickly found my eyesight.

"How are you?" he asked suddenly more gently, in contrast to what I expected from his facial expressions. "You went out quickly recently and we didn't have much opportunity to talk about it."

"I didn't want to disturb you two," I said calmly, being a bit disappointed that his statement took on such a formal character. He was cool and inaccessible. A bystander could add _as always_ but I knew that despite all appearances, Lee wasn't like that at all. All the more I did not understand his attitude today. He gave the impression that I hurt him very much and because of that he decided to keep his distance. But he was the first to always push me away after a strange flirtation was going between us. He was the one who entertained Isabelle when Marco threw me against the wall and he did her fingering, completely comfortable with the fact that I was looking at it. Was I jealous? I was, for fuck's sake. I was jealous and angry but what could I do about it?

Minhyung wasn't my boyfriend.

We didn't belong to each other.

I had no right to rub his nose in the dirt for such behaviour.

"You probably misunderstood this situation," he smiled unexpectedly, licking the corners of mouth quickly because of sudden amusement. Was that funny? Seriously? "It just just looked so bad," he said, putting hand in pants pocket. He acted as if he was even happy that I caught him with hand between the legs of our boss's girlfriend. I understood this man less and less each time we talked. Wanted to play something? What did I do to him?

"Actually, it's your business what you do with your life, Minhyung. Your business, into whose pants you push your fucking hands," I replied quietly, recalling the situation I witnessed less than two weeks ago. It wasn't really the most pleasant to see the two in an intimate situation. In spite of everything, it hurt in my own way, though it shouldn't have. I had no reason to be jealous, or otherwise - I didn't even have the right to be so. "Can I get my briefcase?"

"How you feel?" he asked at the same time so that our words were mixed, creating an unpleasant noise. Minhyung smiled again, coming a little closer. There was a lot of artificiality and a lot of falsehood in that smile. There was something unnatural and strange in all this. The boy killed the free space separating us, creating an apparent distance between us by placing the edge of the briefcase on our chests. "How you feel?" he repeated, still holding fingers on the plastic, though mine were also there and his were no longer needed. 

His always had to be on top. He literally begged to get punch in the face. I swallowed discreetly and closed mouth because my heart sped up so my broken breathing was only a matter of time. Right now, looking into Minhyung's eyes, I had trouble drawing in air.

"Good," I replied in a whisper, trying to at least minimally control voice stability.

I hated black-haired with all my heart at the moment. He acted on me in a way that should be punished with life imprisonment. I felt the warmth of his body next to my warm body and had the impression that I was going to go crazy from the atmosphere that arose between us. At home after work, loving and devoted Seth was waiting for me. What the hell was I just doing standing here with this demon of the apocalypse and the subconscious desire to be his exclusive right now. I was acting against common sense again, so it was about time to quite discreetly end it.

I pulled the folder harder toward me, freeing it from Mark's fingers and immediately hugged it to chest. The moment in which I took it meant the abolition of any barrier and the possibility of escape but the boy was extremely perceptive and alert, so he replaced this barrier with his body. Suddenly his shoe was between my feet and forefinger just below my chin.

Minhyung's lips were close to mine and I knew that, but I couldn't take my eyes off his eyes. Lee was looking at me in a way that evoked a sense of danger and security at the same time because it was the burning desire that we both felt. The thirst for his lips on my body was disturbingly clear to the point where my own gently parted themselves, letting out a quiet sigh from between. Black-haired smiled subtly under breath, slowly sliding thumb over my lower lip.

"Don't do it, Minhyung" I finally choked in a weak voice. In the eyes of Lee danced curiosity and surprise.

"Why?" he asked, further reducing the distance between us. We touched our noses and our lips were literally millimeters apart, whose overcoming prevented me from feeling left over from respect for myself and the person who would have a heart attack if he knew what kind of ballets I am performing here now.

"It's toxic," I barely said in a whisper, feeling our breaths slowly mix with each other. I was crazy about the blackness that pulled me in but I had to resist it somehow. After all, my limbs were enslaved by the urge that the unconscious unleashed. I wanted Mark here and now. I felt that he would be very happy with such a turn of events. We've been playing cat and mouse for too long.

"What's wrong with it if both of us like it?" he laughed, raising an eyebrow. I didn't answer, remaining in a tense silence for a long time and this was probably my final loss and the biggest mistake, although there were many more arguments against our relationship than for it. Minhyung clearly didn't understand what he was getting into and what threat and consequences it could cause for both of us. Any deeper relationship in the mafia binds and exposes you to danger. Insanely easy to manipulate and blackmail anyone. I didn't want that. I didn't want to have to choose. I was afraid of what Marco would do with it as if he found out. I was afraid of it as how he wanted to use it. I was afraid of returning to the role of a dog.

"Please, don't do this to us..." I asked tearfully, at the same time denying my own words when I raised my chin above, making our lips lightly rub against each other when I spoke those words.

"Shhh..." he muttered, sliding his thumb gently along the line of my jaw.

I completely lost my mind.

I was just putting us both in the grave.

We created a sick bond that, apart from putting us both in danger, would do nothing good here.

"Minhyung..."

Lee's lips embraced mine slowly but at the same time they did it strongly and firmly. When that moment came, the remnants of my rational thinking completely evaporated somewhere. Any fears about what we would get ourselves into, as if it saw the light of day, magically disappeared. I gave the boy a kiss more ardently than Seth the week before. I was just hungry for Minhyung and he was clearly hungry for me even more. He pressed my body firmly against the wall, completely covering with his. Our tongues tangled fiercely and our mouths left a low moan. This situation was unique in its own way because no one probably forced anyone to anything for a long and the first time. Mark's hand on my neck was strong but also inexplicably tender. It let him kiss me harder and deeper if it was even possible.

I've lost my mind.

That was the only explanation.

"We can't..." I tried again when space appeared between us for a second.

"Stop talking shit" Minhyung laughed softly, dropping the file I was still holding onto the ground.

When my hands released, I buried fingers in Minhyung's hair, pulling him close to me by neck.

I had the impression that I would cry soon. It was one of those situations in life that a man dreams of realizing but still too inappropriate and bad to strive to fulfill them. I kissed Mark as if tomorrow wasn't coming. I gave in to a strange feeling that I never had with Seth. A burning sensation of something inappropriate. 

Threat. 

Excitement.

Loud moans.

Vulgar and ungodly body attraction. 

Minhyung was everything of this to me. I wanted him to undress me now, to crush me painfully against the wall and simply enter inside me dry and unprepared. I have never felt anything like that, which is why I had to go crazy. I had no other explanation for this.

We were just such a diad.

Diad fatal - doomed to destruction.

There are just too many things on the road for us to ever be in any form together.

That's why I finally came to my senses and, under the influence of contradictory emotions, decided to push Mark away. The boy, however, probably was not willing to give up at this stage, so thinking little, I pressed my hands firmly on his chest and pushed him away, messing his face up. Only when I saw that the black-haired was holding his cheek I did realize what I had done. The man looked at me in disbelief but he seemed more surprised than angry. After all, my instinct today worked completely upside down and without thinking that sudden movements can do me any harm, I started running toward the stairs to the basement. I began to wonder what you must have in your head to be tempted to do this. I always thought that I was quite emotionally stable but this time I think I did everything to refute this myth one hundred percent.

As I ran down the stairs, as if my whole life depended on it, I heard quick steps behind me and started to panic. I quickly got to the alarm to enter the pin. I don't know how it was supposed to save me from anything, since Minhyung knew it too well. After all, he subconsciously provided me with illusory security. However, I wasn't able to fully unlock access to the room when I felt a strong jerk on my arm and bounced my back on the door I wanted to open so much. I closed eyes tightly when my earlier injuries echoed throughout body. Lee's hand snapped loudly into the metal walls just next to my ear. I told myself that he was furious now. If I stayed on the ground floor without fuss and just left peacefully, this situation would not have happened. However, panic and shame took over my head, which is why I was actually to blame myself.

I gave myself hope.

I gave him hope.

But I didn't really know what was going on in his head right now. He looked at me with anger, disappointment, lack of understanding and a hundred other hidden emotions, none of which dominated. He was probably lost but I also had no idea how to stabilize my current life situation. Everything has become a thousand times more fucked up than it was five minutes ago.

For a long time there was no word between us. We examined each other with feverishly narrowed pupils, looking for words in the head or answers on the lips of the other person. Our relationship did not change at all - it was still like a roller coaster leading through potholes, which was finally waiting for some quiet isthmus.

"Look after your boyfriend, Donghyuck," he said suddenly bitterly and it hit me even more.

"What?" I stuttered out erratically, looking for the meaning of his speech and figurative meaning. Was he just threatening or warning me? What did Seth have to do with what had just happened between us?

"May I bother you with something?" Steven asked, suddenly appearing with coffee next to us. I glanced at him in panic, so he only raised eyebrow in a silent question. He knew Minhyung much better than I did. He knew that if he got angry he could be unpredictable.

"No," he suddenly answered for both of us, grabbing hand out of the door behind me. Before he left, gently touched my lower lip and laughed without a hint of enthusiasm. Finally he passed Steven without a word, slowly moving up the stairs.

"What's fucking wrong with him lately?" asked the shocked man.

"I have no idea," I whispered dumbfounded, still having a burning touch of sheer contempt on my lips that made me feel like an ordinary whore giving ass on two fronts.

♥

**[minhyung]**

_Rat-a-tat._

_Rat-a-tat._ _  
_

_Rat-a-tat._ _  
_

_Rat-a-tat._ _  
_

I stared blankly like a yellow tennis ball that I threw against the wall, slowly coming back to me. It hit the wall monotonously, steadily, drably.

It was the definition of my dream life, which image has recently begun to appear to me as an unsurpassed utopia - an ideal that I will never get close to.

What happened some time ago between me and Hyuck didn't leave me alone. I wanted to love him and kill him at the same time. He literally caused extreme emotions in me, becoming an increasingly necessary element of my life.

_This is toxic_.

That's exactly how he put it at the time. And I had to agree with him. We were toxic to each other, so for a long time I was considering a fully conscious escape from this relationship and this place. I wandered around this building, this city, and came to the conclusion that apart from this toxic and destructive relationship, nothing kept me here.

I no longer wanted to lead such a life.

I had to escape from here.

"Hello, hello," I suddenly heard Marco's voice through speaker.

"Hello, hello," I murmured in response, tracking the ball's flight dispassionately.

"Have you talked to Seth yet?" he asked impatiently. He's been asking me this question for over a week but apart from gathering basic information about this boy, I didn't want anything more. His existence caused me psychological pain and penetrating his personal life deprived me of will to exist.

"No," I replied curtly.

"Mark..." Perez sighed. "What's the matter with you lately, man?"

"I'm lost," I replied calmly with a note of apathy in my voice. Internally, however, I suffered in little manly way and wanted to shout out my anger. I felt like crying, yelling, destroying this whole world. However, I got used to the fact that my feelings were never important to anyone. They have always been overlooked and disregarded. Just like me.

"In that case, I suggest you find your way back quickly," I heard the answer like a voice from above from a god who points the right way of life. Old Testament God - a resolute and cruel father who looks sternly at the suffering of his children. "Clean up the corpse while you look for it," he added, reminding me that I had shared this interrogation room with a living man just an hour ago.

All I could do was laugh bitterly to myself and thank everyone for their concern.

_Thank you for asking how you can help me._

_I am forever grateful._


	25. Diaries of the past: choices

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter it really important for future plot! I promised to mark it somehow and here it is.

**[2 years earlier]**

**[minhyung]**

I slowly bettered the outlines of Luke's character, enjoying the opportunity to continue one of my hidden passions at the center. All manifestations of artistry or self-fulfillment were usually suppressed and forbidden here, however, drawing as a carrier of a certain element of something therapeutically desired was extremely welcome. Therefore, without embarrassment, I brought ream and a pencil to the room, although in theory, I could harm both myself and brunet with such stationery.

"Why did your parents put you here?" the boy asked suddenly, breaking the long silence that came between us.

"They think I'm sick and should receive adequate treatment," I replied calmly, improving the mask's details.

"And you don't think so?" he was surprised.

"Apart from the lack of emotion and an attempt to kill my brother, I don't feel that bad," I said. " I'm not some kind of terrible madman."

"Everyone here says so" he laughed flatly. I didn't comment on this.

Luke had an interesting personality. He was an incredibly complex man who seemed to have many different faces. He created himself for the needs of the moment, so I had no idea when he was honest in his behavior, when he revealed his real self and whether he ever did it. He had a full range of situational masks and one material, which was the tangible evidence of his persona. The boy showed incredible social flexibility. He knew the answer to any unexpected event and was able to get out of the problem when he was boxed into a corner. That is why he continued to fascinate me. Because he was simply unusual and different.

"When did you learn to draw?" he asked after a while after long silence.

"I went to drawing courses since elementary school," I replied thoughtfully. "I didn't like it at first but eventually I began to spend every spare moment on a piece of paper."

"A small, lonely artist with passion," he said after a moment, removing the mask from face.

I watched carefully how he bettered hair with a neat hand gesture, staring at the bars that prevented us from fully seeing the reality outside the window. 

He kept doing it.

He looked at the windows made of white marblite, which barely let any light into the room. He often told me to get rid of delusions and reconcile with limited access to the world but I had the strong impression that he himself is missing this world really a lot.

"Why did you kill your family?" I asked suddenly, putting the sketchbook on lap. I didn't think about my behavior and only later realized that it could be too direct. Brunet, however, casually shrugged, not making eye contact with me.

"The doctors say I suffer from dissociative personality disorder, whatever that means. That's why I don't remember it at all," he whispered. "Sometimes, however, I dream of screams. Maybe they belong to them, maybe I came up with them myself, I really don't know. I just keep it secret."

"Don't you want to recover?" I asked.

"They don't want you to recover here, Mark," he smiled sadly at me. "Whom would it pay off?"

"I don't know..." I murmured because his sudden change of mood took me slightly off guard.

"You don't understand a lot of things now but you'll see what I'm talking about," he said with a small sigh. "May this sad reality not destroy you too much."

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"The less they know about you here, the better," he said. "You can't show that you have any conscious thought processes, you can't let them classify you. They classified you? "

"I have alexithymia," I replied slowly. "But they still don't know exactly what to do with me. Because of problems with aggression."

"Don't draw for them again," he whispered, sitting down next to me. "You give them the material they work on. They will examine you, experiment you but they certainly won't help."

"How do you know all this?" I asked with fear growing in throat. The boy just smiled to himself, resting forehead on my shoulder.

"From autopsy, Mark," he replied. "I know from autopsies that they will destroy you."

**♥**

**[1.5 years earlier]**

**[donghyuck]**

Always in a situation when the suffering I experienced was pouring out of the cup of bitterness, only one place saved me. An oasis that I've always escaped to, when life hurt too much, the last defensive walls were completely destroyed and I didn't have the strength to rebuild them. Suspicious underground bars hidden in containers on the waterfront. There was nothing meaner than that. When I thought that it was impossible to sink even lower, I liked to come here to look at people who were the personification of the belief that, in fact, the bottom itself is not the lowest level you can fall when you are banished from personal paradise. It cheered me up.

"Hi, man" I greeted the security guard at the entrance. The man shook my hand, leaving without comment the condition of my face, of which bruises took its natural color here and there.

Gus always watched the one who came inside. Sometimes he wouldn't let some in and I don't really know about what the selection was. I never had to think about it because my friend worked here as a bartender, he also automatically gave me a pass to this dirty world.

I squeezed through a crowd of drunk and stoned people of all sorts, looking for a strategic place at the bar that Taylor always had for me when I came to see him. I met a boy some time ago at a music circle. He was older but I didn't know how much and if he was still even a student because apart from meeting in the music room, I never saw him anywhere else at school. It wasn't important at all, so we never discussed it. Our relationship was based on other strange assumptions.

"Jesus, Hyuck, sweetie. You look like shit," he greeted me warmly, immediately putting a drink just before my face. Taylor was a medium height, black man whose behavior rather didn't give him social acceptance in return. He was unbelievably direct, his attire sometimes caused a lot of controversy and the storm of small braids automatically stuck him the stereotypical patch of a drug dealer. Maybe that's why I liked him. For social exclusion, which is a choice and not a necessity.

"Think I feel even worse," admitted, feeling the fresh scratches on my back painfully hit the material of the shirt every time I moved.

"Report this bastard or he'll kill you one day," boy stated directly, leaving no room for pity between us. I have always expected this from him and I was grateful that he didn't imply this sensitivity between us as well. Honesty for honesty. He also never had an easy life.

"Man, this guy cut off my mother's tongue and then they let him out of jail," I laughed bitterly, taking the first sip of damn strong alcohol. I winced. I needed that. "They'll lock him up for sure, if I just go to the police station and say he beats me."

"The fucking justice of the American dream," he laughed, shaking head in disbelief. After all, we were both children of immigrants. We both clearly felt the consequences when it came to justice.

"That's why there are people who get rid of such scumbags for us," said the boy who was sitting next to me all the time and seemed to clearly catch every word that fell between me and the bartender.

"Fuck off, man" my colleague didn't save as usual in words. Apparently, he knew this visibly overslept guy. "Your shitty offers are exactly what he lacks in his life" Taylor grimaced at the guy in the leather jacket. "Marco Perez and his fucking dogs. Another hell."

"I'm Simon," he reached out, completely ignoring the words of the bartender. "And there you have Daisy" waved thumb towards the short cut blonde, who was scolding the bartender. She looked like an ordinary high prostitute, which was no better than her life-torn buddy.

"Donghyuck" I shook him hand, seeing Simon's immediate confusion. "Lee will probably be easier" I smiled uncertainly.

"Just a little" he nodded, getting back to the beer for a moment. "Interested in the offer?" He asked.

"I don't even know exactly what you're talking about," I admitted honestly, wanting to approach his words with a distance. "I'm not a fan of pig in a poke."

"Our boss is looking for people. I think that in exchange for obedience and minimal usefulness, he'll get rid of anyone you want," he explained briefly and bluntly, immediately giving me a full picture of what he does in private life. Since he smacked on it right and left at every bar, I didn't bode him a long career in what he does and for whom he does it.

"Maybe explain to him how this usefulness needs to be proven before you start urging him to waste all life," Taylor said with obvious anger, as if his knowledge of these forbidden subjects was far greater than I might have suspected. I always had that _illegal business_ in my head associated with my friend but I didn't want to be short-sighted, that's why I always suppressed this instinctive expression. Apparently completely wrong.

"And that's what I can't say" Simon raised his hands in a defensive gesture, as if the remains of the survival instinct were giving him some brakes.

"Then stop fucking stupid things around before Perez breaks your neck and get the fuck out of here," my friend was incredibly agitated and I couldn't quite figure out the reason. Simon irritated him a lot for unknown reasons. He was probably one of those forever returning and agonizing clients who were always bothering.

"If you decide, then probably see you" he sighed heavily, sliding off the bar stool reluctantly. He put a piece of crumpled paper with a phone number under my nose. "Although I suspect that if we ever see each other again, we won't be friends but enemies," he said, placing hand on my back. I grimaced slightly, although the pain caused by this touch was much greater than the pride allowed me to show externally. "If you want to know the alternative, ask Taylor for help. He has a personalized offer for everyone." He patted me on the shoulder for goodbye and then together with Daisy they blurred in the crowd. I clenched fingers on my thigh, wanting to scream at my throat. I reached for a glass with a drink and took it all at once. Everything to stop thi pain. Taylor quickly replaced empty glass with full one, mirroring my face with the curvature of his own mouth.

"What did he mean by the alternative?" I asked Taylor who was starting to make another drink in the shaker. The boy sighed, clearly unhappy that the question fell from my lips.

"My name tells you something?" he asked suddenly and I began to wonder. However, the database in my head didn't provide me with any significant details.

"Maddox?" I asked, shrugging. "Not necessarily but should it?"

"If you made a decision, then yes," he replied, pouring the drink neatly into the glass. "This is my club, Hyuck," he said and I made big eyes. _W h a t ?_ , that's all I could think of. It was very abstract information. "Maddox is the same name as Perez. The only difference is that we hate each other," he explained, nodding at other bartender. The boy answered him the same and I understood that Taylor was giving him control of the queue so that he could give me all his attention. "It's a mafia, sweetie," he said as discreetly as music allowed him. "It's worth knowing what you're getting into before you give your whole life to someone. Because that's what it is. Something for something," he shrugged and anxiety clearly reflected in his eyes. He must not want me to know about it. He also didn't want me to take advantage of any of these offers.

"Have you just been promoted from my friend from the music circle to a friend from the mafia who has an alternative for me in exchange for killing my father?" I asked, not completely understanding whether I fully embrace the events of the last few dozen minutes.

"Life is fucked up, sweetie", he spread hands from side to side in a gesture of helplessness. "You know it best yourself" boy smiled completely without expression. He started wiping glasses, giving me a moment to sort it all out in my head and to get a feel for the topic.

"So what's your alternative?" I asked and Taylor smiled under breath.

"You know I have the hots for you for a long time," he shrugged. "If you agree to be mine, this will be done."

"You don't really mean it," I started to laugh. I was really hoping it was a very funny joke on his part. Sure, I knew he liked me. Taylor's directness affected all areas of life. "I have a boyfriend," I reminded him, though since my conversation with Seth yesterday, it was no longer true. It had to happen once. We didn't have a future with blond. I was too broken for a relationship with someone like him.

"I know this and I envy him terribly but it is not love I want from you but the body," he said straight from the shoulder. "I mean, the body is what I would take contractually. If love will follow it one day, I would be overjoyed but love cannot be promised on paper, so I don't demand it either," he assured, as if in his proposal the issue of lack of feelings was the most problematic.

"Jesus Christ, Taylor. What the fuck?" I shook head in disbelief. When did all this escalate so quickly?

"I only want stupid body from you, Donghyuck," he shrugged, putting the cleaned glass aside. "Marco Perez will want everything but it," he looked at me carefully, flipping the cloth over shoulder and then leaned hands on the table in front of him and raised eyebrows. "What do you think is better, sweetie? What do you choose?"


	26. At the crossroads

**[october 2019]**

**[donghyuck]**

When Seth finished high school, nothing kept me in this building anymore. Still the same faces looking enviously, still heard insults behind. The blond presence had previously blocked all of them because he was very... well thought of and respected at this school. He was my shield, which disappeared one day, exposing me again to the aggressive world. After all, the boy's authority and the specter of his former relationship with me somehow blocked physical attacks, but the words couldn't be stopped by anything. That's why I hated this place, staying here only the necessary minimum.

After finishing writing the outstanding tests, I quickly put backpack on shoulder and loosened tie in school colors. These walls were choking me. They narrowed whenever I passed between them, wanting to crush what was left of me. I wasn't going to spend a single moment here anymore. When I got out of the classroom into corridor, I immediately found Jeno and his girlfriend. They were standing by the lockers near the library, talking quietly about something. I approached them quickly, smiling lazily.

"Thanks for all the notes," I said without unnecessary introductions. "Hope it gonna be okay."

"It couldn't go tragically with such notes," replied the boy, thus ending our conversation. I got past them quietly and went to the building exit.

My relationship with younger Lee was a little less complicated than with older. In the end, they were so fucking different. My path and Jeno's parted naturally. We didn't see each other at school, so common topics ended and I was too busy outside school to resuscitate our contact. The boy finally found the girlfriend of his life, so in addition he was too busy planning their future together and the upcoming move out to specifically solicit talks with an old friend from the neighborhood. Over time, I also come to the conclusion that our worldviews probably seemed too different to each other so that we could create a relationship based on friendship above all.

"What's up?" I heard Seth's voice on the other side of the phone when I made a call to him.

"What are you doing?" I asked.

"I'm in Safeway with your mother," he replied calmly, as if it was the most normal thing under the sun. I frowned and smiled to myself, not quite understanding what had just happened here.

"And you want to tell me how it all happened?" I laughed.

"Well, I came to you because I forgot that you were going to school and sat with your mom a bit and then we decided that we would go shopping," he explained meticulously. Boy's tone told me that Seth is now very proud of himself because he remembered our tradition of going to the supermarket for monthly shopping. I rolled eyes, unable to erase the persistent smile on them. The blond was three years older than me but at times he was still like a small child. He was constantly filled with the desire to impress another person and accomplish all things before being asked to.

"You're loveable," I said what he wanted to hear right now. "I'm coming to you then because I just finished my class."

"Okay," he replied cheerfully. "Call us when you get here."

"Okie," I murmured, hanging up.

This boy was simply impossible. Recently, he's constantly surprised me with the ease with which he accepted the renewal of our relationship. It soon became clear to Seth that we were a couple again, so our old habits quickly returned to daily norms. This behavior of the blonde was incredibly cute but too violent and fast for me. I couldn't jump into the role of his boyfriend so easily. Somewhere in my head I still had words of our deal that blocked me internally in its own way.

Seth is leaving in five months. He disappears from my life again but this time he pledges to not go back to it again if we both find out that the installment relationship has no future at the end of this period. Now we have promised to return to everything that was in the past, to live more intensely and more eagerly to consume that love which, camouflaged somewhere in us, has survived the last months of separation.

It sounded like a deal in which we try to be fair to each other, make most of life but in the end we plan to hurt each other.

It sounded like a deal in which we make love more often and more intensively, so that the memory of those moments can fill the loneliness that will follow them.

It sounded like a deal in which we forget about the world around us, limiting our life to here and now, so that we won't regret anything later.

It was all a lie.

It was all a lie that we both wanted to turn into truth.

♥

**[minhyung]**

The biggest failure in my life was doing hated work. Tracking ordinary people, from who you don't even have to hide, wasn't accompanied by any special emotions. I didn't find myself in this way of obtaining information or a gram of adrenaline, I didn't go ahead with a sense of danger and awareness of the possibility of losing my life at any time.

Seth walked slowly around the store with the cart, keeping pace with Hyuck's mother. They were in no hurry and the boy carefully watched to shorten his step by at least half. The woman didn't seem to notice his mathematically calculated sacrifice, which resulted from the fact that her legs were short and his much longer. Ms. Lee was showing something to the blonde in sign language, he looked at her hands in concentration and then answered comprehensively. Sometimes they joked about a spontaneously arising topic and sometimes it was obvious that they seriously analyze certain phenomena. There was no doubt that they had a common language and this shopping trip was nothing uneasy. After all, Seth has been in this family for so many years that awkwardness or envy between him and Mrs. Lee would be a bit strange.

Anyway, I couldn't follow them without end. I've never liked large stores with a maze of shelves. However, I had to be in a one-on-one situation with blond, so that Hyuck's mother would not register my presence. The woman clearly disliked me and made me realise even clearer that I'm not her future son-in-law material. Since the beating, she looks at me with distrust as if I were about to ruin something.

And in particular already ruin her son.

Marco is curious to know what Seth actually know about this hidden life of Hyuck. In my opinion - _nothing_ because Lee is not a fool and would not expose his boyfriend to the danger. After all, Perez was suspiciously involved personally in seeking information about Seth. Out of powerlessness towards Carl's case, ordinary trivialities have become his new obsessions in recent months. He even discovered that I was in one class with blonde before I was locked up in the juvie. Somehow I didn't remember him at all but I've always been isolated, so I wasn't particularly shocked by such a turn of things. Our shared past, however, became an excuse to initiate a meeting on neutral ground, which I personally did not want to initiate at all.

The musician was an obstacle for me. He appeared uncomfortably at an uncomfortable time when my personal feelings for Donghyuck began to be more obvious and definite. I gathered enough strength to change myself, even slightly, but everything was in vain. I had no one else to strive for internal change. In fact, I was ashamed of myself that I wanted to undergo such a metamorphosis of my own free will.

For whom?

For a person who would only suffer with me?

For a person I would emotionally devastate with my own personality and mood swings?

For a person who could be hurt if I couldn't stop my own aggression?

For a person who probably doesn't know what he wants himself?

Becoming involved with me is like implementing a plan of self-destruction. I was a tragic lover who drives a car on a highway to the cliff from which he plans to descend. I couldn't shape myself internally. I wanted to love and be loved but at the same time I lived with the fragility of this image of a shared future based on mutual commitment. At one moment I loved and at the other time I preferred to keep it to myself and pretend that there is no chemistry, no feeling. Because I was scared.

And I wasn't afraid of rejection.

Paradoxically, I was afraid of loving and being loved by another person.

Like it would kill me.

Kill us both.

When Seth finally left Hyuck's mother at the frozen food and went to the chemistry alley, I decided to take advantage of the opportunity that fate gave me as a gift. I caught the first better product off the shelf and followed the blond. I wanted to finish this farce soon.

When I turned into the chemical isthmus, I slowed down slightly, turning my face to the parallel shelf. I pretended that I was persistently looking for something, approaching Seth in small steps. After all, our bodies were close enough that I turned abruptly, bumping my whole body into the boy.

"I'm sorry," I whispered frantically, as if I really didn't know what was going on around me, while grabbing his arm to keep my seemingly lost balance.

"Nothing happened," he replied, also grabbing my shoulder as if he was sincerely afraid of my fall. After all, the pressure of his fingers on my skin became only an element of the past, and I stood on my own. "Haven't we met before?" he asked suddenly, putting paper towels under his arm. I left him at my fingertips and looked at from a distance, thanking in my mind for doing me a favor with similar questions. It went faster than expected. Type emotionally and socially easy. Perfect.

"Indeed," I admitted. " _Metro_?" I suggested questioningly.

"Yes, you lent me a lighter," he smiled. "Thanks for that."

"No problem," I replied the same, though with less enthusiasm. "Are you from here?" I asked, referring to our small town.

"Yes but I still live on tour, so that's probably why we don't associate each other," he explained. "Seth" reached out.

"Mark" said, hoping it would somehow give him images from the past. And I think it worked.

"You were at high school here...?" he asked, lowering his voice as if he were thinking about something intensely. "Because I have a vague impression that already in the _Metro_ it seemed to me that I somehow feel you."

"Yes, I was," I agreed with falsely rising enthusiasm. "But I left when I was eighteen, maybe that's why this memory is bad."

"Mark Lee" suddenly said surprised and I laughed. "Forgive me but I got hit in my head at one time, so the past is sometimes very blurred for me," he sighed, taking a pack of toilet paper from the shelf.

"No problem, I don't even have a clue what's been going on here in recent years, so I'm not better," I admitted with genuine sadness and confusion. There was a moment of silence between us, which was actually a bit awkward. I tossed a jar of tomato paste in my hands, waiting for the blonde to make a move I needed.

"Maybe you would like to meet for a talk on days?" he offered with a smile. So predictable. I was beginning to understand what Donghyuck saw in him and what I didn't have at all. Authentic joy of life. "Apart from my bandmates, I have no contact with anyone from high school."

"All in all..." I nodded as if I were still considering it. "I'd love to," I said. "Are you doing something now?"

"I am shopping with mother and waiting for a boyfriend, so today it's not good timing but for example on Tuesday? I'm quite free all the time," he suggested and my heart beat faster at Hyuck's stupid, misty and non-literal reminiscence. If he was waiting for him now, it meant I had to evacuate quickly. Choking jealousy, I nodded slowly, smiling.

"How about an Italian restaurant near 7-Eleven at a gas station? My friends run it, so we can count on a nice atmosphere. "

"Cool, I know where it is," he nodded.

"Seriously?" I asked in astonishment.

"Yes, that's where Hyuckie, my boyfriend, works," shrugged, as if it wasn't anything significant.

"Oh, as who? Maybe I know him," I suggested calmly. As I suspected, the boy's facial expression didn't tell me much. It seemed that he really had no idea. He laughed embarrassed and began to massage his neck with his free hand, as if suddenly he was embarrassed by something.

"It's a shame to admit it but I don't even know exactly..." he murmured. "Waiter? Kitchen porter?" he listed. "Certainly nothing spectacular because he doesn't speak effusively about it."

"Oh, I understand" I smiled forgivingly. "Okay, then let's say that we're set."

♥

**[donghyuck]**

"Four" I muttered under breath, moving a green counter forward, then gave the dice to Seth. The boy sighed nostalgically because some miracle would have to happen for him to make the end before me.

"What do you do at work at your restaurant, Hyuckie?" he asked suddenly, puzzling me a bit. He was never interested in this aspect of my life. I've always just worked.

"In the kitchen, I help a little with washing dishes and putting on food," I replied without much emotion in my voice. "Why are you asking so suddenly?"

"Just so" he muttered evasively, throwing the dice.

I looked more closely at Seth because I thought he was trying to get something out of himself but thinking about how I would react was too overwhelming for him. The blond's eyebrows were drawn, he moved six squares forward with his lower lip bitten. He always made such a face when he wanted to give me information that was somehow important to him and a total trivial to me. I felt like a boy-tyrant who didn't let his man go to the store for cream. When it was my turn, I didn't move with the counter after rolling the dice. The boy looked at me from above the hand that covered his mouth.

"Will you crush it out?" I asked calmly. Seth slowly straightened up, still sitting cross-legged and tangled his fingers where the calves crossed. Sometimes, when he did it, I realized how tall he was.

"I met a friend from an old high school class today," he began slowly. "And we agreed to meet tomorrow."

"That's very cool, honey," I said calmly, sighing in spirit. "You didn't expect to meet him in such a place?"

"Well, no," he admitted with relief. "I haven't seen him for a long time. Actually, if I think about it like that, we didn't even talk to each other at school," he scratched his neck as if to convey the awkwardness of that moment to me. "I don't know why his sudden interest."

"Sometimes it happens," I shrugged. "But it's worth meeting him, since apart from the boys you have no contact with anyone from the old class."

"Thanks" he smiled unexpectedly and quickly bent to kiss me and return to his place.

As he rolled dice vigorously, the corners of his mouth were still raised. I sat dumbfounded and looked at this big child in disbelief. Seth was charming in every way but sometimes I couldn't get over how easy it is to please him and make grateful for something he shouldn't even. Everyone has the right to see friends even if they are in a relationship. Love is not a cage of enslavement but simply trust that you will be together anyway. And I trusted no one more in this world than Seth and in literally every matter. The blond knew this well, so I didn't understand his some reactions but I found them wonderfully emotional.

I approached the musician on all fours, leaving the ludo board behind me. This game lost any meaning to me when the competition between us died of natural death. I sat down slowly at the boy's knees and looked seriously in the eyes. I loved the warm look in him that he gave me regardless of the situation. I loved it as I loved many other seemingly insignificant features. Because it was Seth, who I didn't deserve at all according to recent events.

I slowly sank my fingers into the boy's hair, pulling his head back with them. I could feel a thick scar under my fingertips, which evoked nothing but bad memories. I ran my thumb over it lightly, moving my thoughts first to the operating room and then to the hospital room where I spent all eternity, drowning in a sense of hopelessness and loneliness.

"Grrrrr" murmured Seth so suddenly that I pulled my hands away quickly and looked at him in disbelief. After a while, however, I started to laugh, reassuring my broken heart. Losing ourselves at this stage of our relationship has never been good in either case. Sometimes, however, we both inattentively kept thinking about it as we do now.

"What was that?" I asked, being on the verge of amusement and further shock.

"The roar of a lion whose mane was desecrated" winked. I looked at him indulgently and grabbed jaw gently.

"Honey... it was closer to meow of alley kitty than a dangerous lion in the savanna," I whispered, looking at him with compassion.

"Ah yes?" He raised eyebrows, deeply offended. In response, I just nodded my head sadly, sliding from his lap. I slowly went on a journey to my original place, when suddenly I felt a strong pull on my leg and flattened myself on the floor, knocking counters off the board. When I turnedon my back, I was already under Seth. "Do you insult the king of animals?" he whispered in my ear in a grave tone that made me shiver. I looked in fear into his dark green eyes, unable to take mine off them. The blond, however, failed to keep his mask on for a long time and laughed, destroying all the sense of danger and seriousness he had just created. "If you saw your face right now, Hyuckie" shook his head in amusement that I unconsciously gave up.

"Asshole" I summarized by slamming fist on his shoulder.

"But I don't think I scared you so seriously?" he asked, making sure of the situation.

"No," I answered with a sneer. "But I was hoping you could sustain that dark aura of sex appeal, but well..." I shrugged, feigning complete disappointment.

"I'm hot all the time," he said with conviction, honestly believing it.

"Of course," I whispered, biting my lower lip. "King of beasts," I laughed out loud, trying to crawl out from under Seth. However, the boy probably had slightly different plans for me. I felt a firm grip on my wrists, which were quickly spread sideways.

"You can always be an antelope, for example," he replied with amusement, kissing me lightly on the neck and then gently on the lips.

"I have no idea what sounds the antelope makes," I lowered my voice, letting out a shallow, quick sigh from between lips.

"But chased..." he panted straight into my ear. "...or eaten alive?" he growled in my neck until I laughed out loud, throwing arms behind his head.

"Whatever, Seth," I said with real joy. "I can be both," I admitted honestly, kissing him hard. "I think chased is more suited to the beginning," I murmured, smiling affectionately.

"I'm afraid you're right," he whispered, placing his hand on my hip.

"I'm afraid..." I mocked him.

"Oh, shut up now," he laughed, covering my mouth with his.

I gave the boy a slow kiss, tightening fingers on his neck. We were still lying on the floor, which was not the most comfortable position but neither of us probably even thought about changing it. Seth's hands danced subtly around my pants, while I put mine under his shirt some time ago. Rather, we were not in a hurry but paradoxically creating a feverish atmosphere among ourselves. I slowly undressed the blonde from the top of the wardrobe, throwing it somewhere aside. The boy in response slid his mouth against the lines of my jaw and pulled the body to sit. I tangled him in the hips, grabbing his chin with two fingers. I gave the boy a long, narrowed look combined with a quiet sigh. I bit blond bottom lip hard, deliberately prolonging the moment of releasing it.

When Seth got up slowly, I looked into his eyes intently, brushing his nose gently with mine. I liked inhaling this intense smell of musician, while kissing all the aroma from his lips. It was a mixture of different, delicate fragrances, which worked for me stunningly. It excited and soothed all broken nerves at the same time.

Holding me in arms never gave the blonde much trouble. However, when we were heading towards the bed, we were interrupted by a slight creak of the door, in which Seth's mother appeared.

"Judging by the screams, I thought you were playing at zoo, but it's probably The Legend of Tarzan," she said, looking at her child with amused eyes. Surprised boy turned quickly towards the woman, still clenching his fingers on my buttocks. For a moment we exchanged all three speechless looks, not knowing what move we should make. However, this state of numbness has finally passed and I think I've regained my clarity of mind faster than my boyfriend.

"Let me go" I whispered frantically in his ear, feeling my face cover in vivid red. Seth slowly relaxed his fingers and let me slip safely from his arms.

"What are you doing at this time home?" he asked, quickly picking up the T-shirt from the floor, which he immediately dressed.

"I ran from the hospital for the documents and somehow couldn't stop my mother's curiosity to see what my adult son was doing," she leaned lightly, not even trying to keep from the sincere smile of satisfaction she was deriving from our embarrassment. "As it turned out, traditionally nothing grown up, so I guess I can safely go back to work," she sighed, shifting her sneering look at my flushed face. "Hi, Hyuckie" greeted cheerfully.

"Good morning," I said in a whisper, looking down at the floor.

"Oh children, children" she shook her head with a smile, then disappeared in the corridor, closing the door behind.

I covered cheeks with hands, checking their level of flushing and I was devastated by my own discovery. I looked at Seth embarrassed, meeting his amused eyes. The boy choked with laughter internally but I also saw signs of shame on his face.

"What are you looking at," I grunted.

"I'm Tarzan," he said, moving his eyebrows ambiguously. I hit him in the head with my open hand, unable to control laughter.

"I won't change in Jane for you," I replied. "Antelope is probably enough for today."

"Rawr" laughed, hugging me tightly. I just shook my head in resignation, cuddling up confidently.

♥

**[minhyung]**

"And for how long are you going to stay here?" I asked with mock curiosity. Deep down in the heart, however, was the hope that it would not take him more than a week.

"For a few months," he answered estimably. "Four, maybe five, I'm not sure."

"Your boyfriend plays with you in the band or does he bravely endure similar trips like that?"

"He hates them all," he laughed honestly, taking a sip of water. "Actually, Donghyuck even left me because of these journeys. We parted in harmony and unity but recently it has turned out that we've come back to each other for a moment."

"That sounds... a bit weird," I grimaced, trying to smile.

"Because we're just a weird couple," he spread hands helplessly. "We can't live with each other and this life somehow is crappy without each other as well. That's why we went to the deal that after these four months, we're most likely separating from each other for good. "

"Just like that?" I was surprised.

"Mhm" nodded. "We are both tired of this relationship, though I think Hyuck is more. Besides, it seems to me that I came into his life again at some strange moment. As if he had already started a different life here and met a different guy" I instinctively escaped my interlocutor, grabbing a cup of coffee. "Given how well I know him, I'm not mistaken about anything," he laughed without a hint of gaiety. "But more than talking about my sick relationship, I'd rather find out what's happened to you over the past years. You mysteriously melted in the air and a lot of gossip arose. "

"For example?" I encouraged him to continue with a smile. I definitely preferred when he was talking. I couldn't talk about myself.

"The most popular was probably the psychiatric institution," he said. "Don't get me wrong but you were very alienated. Many people could have misunderstood this. "

"And so the rumor was true even once," I smiled under breath, looking him straight in the eye. To my surprise, he didn't show any fear or concern that he was sitting at one table with a potential madman. It was an interesting feeling.

"You surprised me a little but it's okay," he said after a moment of silence. He was emotionally simple as a sponge construction. "Is everything okay now?" He asked.

"I take medicine, I live normally," I assured, without going too deep into the nature of my condition. "Actually, I was fine. The invention of the family and oversensitive doctors. "

"My mother is a doctor, so I understand what you are talking about," he admitted. "It happens, I think."

For a second our conversation stopped when a waitress approached us, puting our dishes on the table. For a moment there was a wonderful aroma of pasta in olive oil with garlic, chili and parsley. Seth thanked quietly for the meal and deftly ignored the delighted look of the girl who made the impression like she wanted to stand here and look at him endlessly. I grunted discreetly, giving her a calm but firm look. The waitress nodded apologetically and walked away quickly.

"Have you finally found out who your boyfriend is?" I asked with a sneer, like a joke, but quite seriously. I found this to be a very good time to ask this question.

"Yes!" he smiled innocently. "He goes around the kitchen somewhere - washing dishes, helping. Somehow he put it that way. "

"Mhm, I probably don't know him then," I said. "I don't get involved in people's work behind the wall," I sighed. _I'd rather kill people under the floor you're sitting on_ , I thought. "Did school life change after my disappearance?" I changed the subject deftly.

"Rather nothing new and significant has happened," he said. "The headmaster only changed, so the school organized more events at first but then everything calmed down. This place continued being intolerant, envious shack when I left. "

"You didn't like our high school?" I was surprised. "You were in the basketball team, as long as my memory is correct. You should have rather happy memories. "

"At the end of high school, I didn't play basketball anymore and left the team," he said with a much more sad expression. "I had a minor accident in the penultimate class and had to drop out of school and sport for a while. Bad memories. "

"In that case, I don't think I should ask about it," I said, trying hard. But I coded in my head to ask Steven about this. Not to satisfy Marco's hunger for information but to satisfy my own curiosity.

"Indeed, I'd rather not talk about it," he admitted bluntly. "But then I already had Donghyuck, so although it was hard, somehow we both helped each other" he smiled happily, although a second ago he seemed to be a person who was about to cry. The smallest memory of Lee worked incredibly well on his mood and not quite on mine. The boy's attention was suddenly distracted by the vibrations of the phone. "Speak of the devil," he muttered. "I'm sorry for a second," he said and answered the call.

♥

**[donghyuck]**

When I left work, I saw only dark clouds, which in their own way created a world in my head for a claustrophobic space. I just sighed in spirit and started on my way home.

From the morning I was haunted by some vague feeling that something was not as it should be. This condition has been in me for a long time. I was afraid to take steps, I was afraid to walk the company's underground corridors. And all this is Minhyung's fault and his strange threat, which I couldn't interpret properly. I had no idea how I should respond to it.

Slowly going out the gate, I looked around anxiously, when I noticed something out of the corner of my eye that caught my attention.

Seth's car.

I quickly reached for the phone and dialed the blond number, while moving towards it. Connecting the boy to this place caused unclear feelings and burning anxiety in me.

"What's up?" he asked at the outset.

"Where are you?" I strained on a calm tone.

"At a meeting with this colleague, who I mentioned to you recently," he replied.

"Okay," I murmured. "And where did you meet?"

"The restaurant where you work is run by his friends, so to make it fun, that's where we're sitting."

"I'm by your car," I sighed with a smile. "Such a coincidence, as you can see."

"Hmmm... I see you" he laughed happily and a moment later I heard the sound of knocking on the glass. I looked in that direction and waved the blonde away, smiling under my breath. As usual, he didn't lose his temper, even on such a bleak day as today. I glanced sideways at Seth's friend and felt as if all my blood had drained away somewhere and my expression thinned.

Minhyung.

We quickly made eye contact. The man looked at me with a cool, controlled face. His response to my shock was a slightly raised eyebrow as if it were an ironic question for my sudden appearance. Like I'm an uninvited guest.

"Then finish the conversation with your friend and I will wait for you patiently, okay?" I asked weakly, not taking my eyes off Lee.

"Something happened?" Seth asked vigilantly, as usual noting the change of my voice.

"No, nothing," I assured him. "Nothing but I would like to talk to you today."

♥

**[minhyung]**

I watched calmly as Seth emerged from the restaurant, immediately shifting his gaze to Donghyuck, who was moving nervously from leg to leg, leaning his back against the driver's door. He was clearly worried about the blonde but he really had no reason to. I said the last words between us in my nerves but deep in my heart I never wished neither of them anything bad.

It can be said that I have already come to terms with everything.

I accepted the loss.

When Seth approached the brunet, he immediately kissed his lips and said something to which the other responded with a shy smile, then hit him lightly with hand on the head. However, Lee's face quickly returned to the previous one - sad and worried. He folded his arms and lowered his head, explaining something to Seth without much emotion. The blond only shook his head in denial and raised Hyuck head up with his index finger. He told him something very slowly and with a precise choice of words, then quickly kissed his forehead and showed with hand a way to the other side of the car. Brunet sighed clearly and sourly. Before he got in, however, he gave me a cool and envious gaze that was uncomfortable to hold. For the first time I saw so much hatred in this boy and I knew that I was the source of it.

I got up slowly from the table and headed for the kitchen, which I was able to go down to the basement. It was only there that I could breathe and feel on my own - surrounded by shadows, lonely. I went to meet the dark master of this yard, a sad Satan full of hate.

"Hi," I said unconsciously to Vernon, who gave me a suspicious look. The black man just nodded and let me into Marco's office. "Hi," I repeated flatly.

"Hello," Perez replied from above the whiskey glass.

"I came to talk to you about something important," I said seriously, sitting down in my favorite hollow of the couch.

"What's up, Mark?" He asked. "I must admit that it has been bothering me for a long time as much as it does you. Drugs don't work? "

"I have to get out of here," I admitted bluntly.

"How do you... escape?" he was surprised, sitting comfortably in a chair.

"We have determined that you are sending Steven to Canada as part of the exchange and reconnaissance of the local market."

"It's true, however..."

"I want to go instead of him," I said quickly before Perez finished his previous statement.

"Why?" he frowned. He didn't understand my request but I didn't understand it either. I just knew I couldn't stay here anymore, otherwise I would go crazy. I couldn't fight for what I wanted, so I had to leave this place as soon as possible.

"Because I want to find my way back quickly in lost life," I laughed bitterly, spreading my arms aside.

"But it's half a year, Mark." Marco frowned, leaning toward me.

"I know," I admitted, nodding.

"What happened, kid?" he asked with a heavy sigh.

"Let me leave, Marco," I asked in a voice that almost begged him. "Let me leave or I'll suffocate here."

♥

**[donghyuck]**

When we entered Seth's house, I immediately went to the bathroom, dragging boyfriend with me. I saw a lot of questions on his face and knew that my next words would trigger their next avalanche. Before we both disappeared into the room, I stopped the blonde in the corridor.

"Undress," I said calmly but firmly, taking off my shirt and pants.

"What's happening?" he asked fearfully, as if I wanted to perform other sexual activities on it.

"Clothes off, Seth," I continued. "Don't ask anything now."

I saw that the musician is not delighted with all this but step by step he followed my order, standing before me as I saw him only in the most intimate situations. I grabbed the boy gently by the hand, entwining our fingers. When we got into the shower slowly, I closed the cabin and drained the water.

Seth kept a safe distance between us, standing as far as possible from me, still with questioning eyes and arms folded on chest. There was a moment's silence between us. The drops evenly hit the acrylic shower tray, imitating the sound of rain outside the window. They splashed in all directions, creating an imaginary partition between our bodies.

"I'm listening," he finally said, raising his eyebrows high. He wanted to know what the whole theater was for.

"Do you remember that time when my father died?" I asked shyly after a few seconds, looking down at our feet. I was ashamed of my words. I was ashamed of them and at the same time I was afraid as if they were to hurt my lips with their very existence. He didn't know me that way. I wasn't such a Donghyuck for him. It was hard to admit that for the past year and a half I had done nothing but lie to him. And he couldn't find out three-quarters of the other facts. I decided to show him just the tip of the iceberg of my life in the mafia.

"Yes..." he replied slowly, uncertainly. He had no idea why a similar topic had arisen so suddenly between us in similar circumstances. I knew that he was involuntarily looking for this moment in his memories. "What with that?"

"His death was not a random accident," I whispered, closing my eyelids. I felt the water gently settle on my face, making the whole situation even more unbearable.

"How is that?" he jumped suddenly. "What do you mean, Hyuckie?"

"This..." I started, stopping almost immediately. No words could describe this story and my emotions. A nice verbal envelope in past events couldn't exist in any way. I swallowed hard. ''I was really weak then, Seth. I... You... You weren't there," I finally choked out, losing my breath unexpectedly. It seemed to me that I would be able to explain all this to him in a reasonably and dispassionate form but when I saw the way he looked at me, all my defense collapsed. He looked at me as if he didn't know me at all and it hurt. It hurt so badly because he was right. That is why we can never be together. Because he will never understand it. There will always be a secret between us.

"What the hell are you talking about now?" He raised his voice unexpectedly.

"I've had enough of it all, Seth," I sniffed, though no tears have flowed yet. I looked at the blonde in horror, thinking back to those traumatic moments, as if it were yesterday. "Nobody was there," I said, shaking my head. "I was all alone, Seth. Please, try to understand me..." I choked when the first tears came to my eyes. I quickly covered mouth with hand.

"Jesus, Donghyuck..." he said suddenly. These words were empty despite the fact that they implicitly had many different emotions. Their excess made them faded and even more unbearable in my head. The boy came up to me quickly, grabbing shoulders tightly as I slid down the cabin door. At first he said nothing but watched. And his eyes expressed more than they had to. This one question still hung in the air, which is why it didn't surprise me at all, when it finally fell, hanging in the air like a final judgment. "You killed him, Hyuck?" he asked in a whisper of fear, as if the very fact that he had to say it out loud terrified him. I shook my head, but the blond apparently saw it as a refusal to continue the conversation, not a negation. "Fuck, tell me did you kill him?!" he yelled.

"No!" I answered in the same tone, looking into his eyes.

"Then what?!" he shook me slightly. "Talk to me for fuck's sake!"

"Others did it for me," I whispered.

"What others?" he asked dully, guessing slowly what I meant. "Fuck, Donghyuck, what did you get yourself into, kid?" he murmured, grabbing my face in both hands. He rubbed the skin of my cheeks nervously with his thumbs, searching for understanding in my eyes.

"Thanks to them I could at least minimally start a new life, Seth. You don't even know how long I've been wondering if I'm doing right. I sat for months bearing this bastard and bursting more and more. I couldn't do it myself, although I tried it many times," I breathed out on one exhalation. The blond didn't answer it, looking at me with heartbreaking disbelief. That look made me want to disappear more and more. I felt incredibly bad with myself all this year since my father's death. I didn't regret anything, but I wasn't proud of anything as well. "Don't look at me like that because I feel even worse."

"They did this to you?" he asked much more gently, running his fingers over my ribs. I didn't believe that of everything I had just told him, he was interested in my health. I nodded reluctantly, watching the boy's mouth curl uncomfortably. "Why are you just telling me now, Hyuck?" he asked with obvious regret. "You've had so much time, so many opportunities. Why now? "

"I wouldn't tell you at all but today you talked to one of them, Seth," I whispered.

"What?" he asked in disbelief.

"Mark works with me," I said through tears. "Some time ago he told me to keep an eye on you but I couldn't understand exactly what he meant. Today, when I saw him with you, I was really scared. I don't know what this game is about but I'm terribly scared about you. "

"What do you mean by that?"

"We can't do this anymore," I started shivering, swallowing bitter tears. "You're not safe with me, Seth."

"Oh, Hyuckie, Hyuckie..." he sighed, hiding me in his arms. I cuddled up to him as much as I could. I tried my best to ignore the lukewarm water that was still falling on us. "I am extremely mad at you for not telling me anything before," he said calmly.

"I'm sorry," I whispered, feeling an amazing void.

"It doesn't matter," he said with a sigh. "It doesn't change anything anyway."

"Seth..." I begged.

"Nothing changes," he repeated emphatically, then kissed my forehead gently. "Life is too short to worry about such nonsense."

"You're impossible," I replied helplessly.

"Everything for you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a little long and not that fascinating chapter but somehow needed for the plot in my opinion.


	27. The changing seasons

**[november 2019 - may 2020]**

**[minhyung]**

In fact, it wasn't until I arrived at the airport in Edmonton that I fully realized what I had done. I was far from New York. I couldn't go back there anymore.

I was almost three and a half thousand kilometers from home, family and work.

Three and a half thousand kilometers from all problems.

Three and a half thousand kilometers from Lee Donghyuck.

I wanted to believe that it was a sufficient distance to rest and break away from everything that hurt me.

Sufficient distance to feel that I really escaped from that life.

After all, I also had the impression that this distance is illusory, that I would not free myself. Kilometers are just numbers that don't reflect forgetfulness. The further north, the colder my heart seemed, which instead of removing the negative elements of the past from its interior, mummified them somewhere in the dusty recesses. It didn't let go of those injuring elements that seemed to stick to every ventricle and every single muscle, still breathtaking with its aching weight.

I sat on the bench and looked at people running around. They passed me thoughtlessly, staring blankly at the trajectory of their path to the goal. They were smudging in front of my eyes, which were absent-mindedly following this innocent picture. Some were in a hurry and others were still bored waiting for their flight or stood in queues to pick up their luggage. I myself was all of them and none of them at the same time. My individuation process seemed shaken and too bumpy to be fulfilled in the near future. I was in no hurry but I would prefer to know where I was going and when I would start my journey. Standing in place tired me, destroying even more. This whole trip to the deep north was shrouded in a huge secret. I didn't literally know any details. I was to learn everything firsthand from the head of the mob. Who he was, what he did and when I was supposed to see him, of course I couldn't know. I just had to wait in the hope that finally the person who should have picked me up from here a few hours ago would be found.

Meanwhile, the crowd hypnotized me and wondered. 

_Was I part of it?_

Recently, I felt more like a separate entity that by its intrusion would disturb the continuity of this homogeneous mass. Modern people seem to be all the same. Universal fashion, universal behavior - finding yourself in the culture of personalities who, paradoxically, rushing to originality reach the same level of kitsch to meet their need for consumption. The absurdity that attracts absurdity is a definition of this society that I probably didn't want to belong to. I was unhappy myself but I preferred not to make it worse by the additional thought that I could be as bland and colorless as the shit-color mass that surrounded me. Shhit-color mass of kitsch.

"Mark Lee?" I heard a calm, questioning voice behind me. I turned slowly without getting up from the bench and looked at the boy who said my name. A tall blond with intense blue eyes appeared to me. His Scandinavian beauty strongly contrasted with the black clothes he was wearing, giving a somewhat spooky but still beautiful effect. As a guy, however, he didn't have anything special for me. "I'm Brian," he introduced himself, reaching hand to me. I got up slowly, wanting to face him.

"Mark" returned the handshake but didn't return the boy's enthusiasm. The man seemed to sense that my answer wasn't hostile, distrustful or rude. He just had to acknowledge that I already have such a personality - dry and distant because he didn't lose cheerfulness.

In a pleasant silence we got to the car, which I was supposed to go into the unknown. I quickly guessed that Brian is not the boss but rather someone of my kind for Marco - he takes over important guests, explains everything and guides because someone up there trusts him a lot. This thought helped me feel comfortable. We were somehow similar to each other. At this stage of my acquaintance, I couldn't assess to what extent this similarity would transform into trust but at least I didn't feel a real threat from this man.

"You probably wonder what your stay here will actually be like," said the blond after a long moment, not taking his eyes off the road. We drove through the fields to the outskirts of the city easily covering the next kilometers. I quickly realized that this is not the type of association that works in society, adhering to the principle that the more in the center the greater the security. Everything seemed to indicate that it was more popular in Edmonton to say that the darkest place is where there is not a single candle.

"Yes," I admitted. "You can put it this way."

"I can tell you right away that nothing spectacular is happening here," he began slowly. "Edmonton is a backwater compared to New York," he laughed. "That's why we don't do daring actions, covert operations or many interrogations."

"What do you do then?" I asked suspiciously because I didn't expect such a turn of events at all. I thought I would have something to do here. I didn't want to be bored because I needed to take care of my thoughts with such reckless actions, investigations and interrogations. Stagnation was completely out of the question, so I was a bit scared by the boy's words.

"We walk around the warehouses, gunrunning to the south and east and distribute drugs on a small scale," he explained.

"So there are things to do?" I made sure.

"Yes, definitely," he assured. "I meant more about the fact that this is not New York. We rarely get our hands dirty with other people's blood."

♥

**[donghyuck]**

I was going down the stairs to the basement with a heavy heart and a huge internal terror. Today I was starting a long period of independent work on literally everything I have done together with Steven. I was worried that in addition to those present, there would also be some new things. If I can't cope with them, the worst things can happen to me at Marco's hand.

I didn't want to feel like I did recently, after committing a guilt that wasn't even there. If the imaginary mistake is able to enrage him so, I didn't even want to find out how it would behave when the fault was full and undeniably on my side. Although, actually, why did I still delude myself that any fault was needed here? The fucker hated me.

I entered the door unlock pin intently and walked in slowly. The room was not bathed in darkness. Lamps were on the desks and laptops were processing some data but I couldn't see any livin soul in sight. I took off my scarf and slipped the jacket off shoulders, taking very careful steps towards the on equipment. This could only happen if all the generators went out and I didn't even hear of a power outage anywhere in the area.

I stood behind the desk and leaned over the keyboard, trying to understand the string of numbers on the monitor but I had no idea what this was all about. I felt as if the winding stairs were beginning to stretch out in front of me from the first seconds.

"I clean equipment from data," I suddenly heard behind my back. Steven emerged from the warehouse so unexpectedly that I couldn't stop my chills.

"What are you doing here?" I asked in amazement. "You were supposed to go to Canada."

"Well..." he sighed, placing some cardboard boxes at desks. "Mark went instead of me," he shrugged. I knew that he was rather happy about such a turn of events because I had already sensed that he didn't want to leave. It seemed to me that Steven in the whole shell of his lack of life outside of work, after all, this life has. He only hides it as he advised me to hide my own if I wanted to own any. "He asked Marco to do so."

"Why?" I asked almost in a whisper because this information honestly shocked me and completely confused. It was half a year. Fucking half, fucking six or seven months at least.

"I don't know but very strange things have been happening lately with Mark, so maybe even better," he sighed, sitting in the armchair loudly. I did the same. I wouldn't be able to stand on my feet any longer. It is one thing to not see Lee knowing that he is in place but knowing that he is in a completely different country is a separate matter.

"What do you mean?"

"I think you saw it yourself - he was so aggressive. Much more than usual," he muttered more to himself than to me. "Besides... I recently talked to him but the conversation was one-sided. I had the impression that he was thinking somewhere else. "

"Do you know what this is about?" I asked, thus causing an ambiguous smile on his face.

"Don't worry, it's definitely nothing bad," he laughed mysteriously.

"How is that?" I frowned. I got a little lost analyzing his statements.

"Mark never escapes when something bad happens," he explained with that persistent, mysterious smile. "Mark only escapes when humanity kills him form the inside."

♥

**[minhyung]**

I stood in front of a black door that didn't stand out from the black walls of the corridor. I assumed in advance that it was definitely some special camouflage tactics or just a strange artistic idea of the owner.

Brian went ahead, opening the entrance to the room and invited me with an eloquent gesture of his hand inside. I took a deep breath, making eye contact with him and then crossed the threshold. I consoled myself with thoughts that I shouldn't have much to be afraid of being here at Marco's hand. Perez seems to have some power, he would be looking for me if something happened.

Friendship between mafias sometimes constituted something very important, inviolable and almost created a family. Sometimes, however, this intimacy was only apparent and conventional. Often, similar exchanges turned out to be a disaster for one of the parties. In the case of Carl, it was betrayal and the transition to the ally's camp, which he had previously aspired to become an enemy. Usually, however, this law of inter-camp rivalry was not so mild. Envoys were tormented for hours, information was sucked from them and murdered. We did it ourselves, although I never approved of it. I just had to acknowledge their validity and superiority over my own conscience. As commanded by Satan.

The interrogation room I entered was not much different from ours or any other I had seen. For this type of room, there was probably a steady artistic pattern of colors and equipment. Minimalism is most appropriate in such cases.

On the other side of the mirror I noticed a clear division between the victim and the perpetrator. I glanced furtively at Brian with a questioning look.

"I thought you didn't get your hands dirty with other people's blood in Edmonton," I said.

"It's only because nothing is happening here recently," he sighed. "Zayn is a bit... hyperactive. He's the son and the right hand of our boss basically. Old Suskind's health no longer allows him to actively participate in the company's life," he explained calmly but with some nostalgia in his voice. It made me understand that he rather missed the old form of management. The more I became interested in the figure of semi-lying on the countertop, who dispassionately stifled matches on the open hand of another man. "Zayn?" the blond man asked through the microphone.

"I'm bored," the boy replied.

"That's not the point," he grunted in confusion, as if he were somewhat ashamed that all of this was probably now managed by a person less mature than himself.

"The boss will never forgive you," yelled the battered stranger suddenly. Brian grimaced at the unexpected recording of such a high frequency. I didn't miss such a reaction, although similar outbursts of hatred wasn't foreign to me.

"The boss is not here," said young Suskind depressedly, glancing dispassionately ahead.

"Marrk Lee from New York has arrived," my companion continued, ignoring this little exchange on the other side of the barricade.

"Really?" he replied with a smile, leaping to his feet. "Wonderful!" he exclaimed, then walked briskly to the door, ignoring what he left behind.

"As I said, a little hyperactive," Brian muttered literally a second before the eyes of the brothel's boss appeared in all its glory.

Zayn was a tall, well-built dark hair. He seemed a little older than me but his childish face made it difficult for me to estimate real age. Almost immediately, he stared at me with dark blue eyes that alarmed me almost at the start. There was calmness and composure in them but there was something behind them that I didn't want to know exactly. His eyes were mesmerizing and beautiful but at the same time they were terribly disturbing.

"Zayn Suskind" greeted, reaching hand in my direction. I gave it a slow hug, keeping the stone expression on my face, which I planned to keep until the end of my stay here.

"Mark Lee," I replied with a slight smile suggesting natural courtesy without being too exuberant. I preferred it so far, for now.

"Then, Mark Lee, I will take you around and show you your room," he said quickly. "Of course, make yourself at home because we'll be living here for about half a year, so it would be appropriate to introduce a little... familiarity," he said after a moment of thought, raising one eyebrow significantly up. My heart beat faster for a moment and not because of some incredibly positive sensations because I was becoming more and more full of conflicting emotions every second.

"Sure" I nodded. "Somehow we have to start."

♥

**[donghyuck]**

Although it was only mid-February, it had been raining for two months, as if all the atmospheric fronts reflected the spitting image of my mental landscape. There was no day when Minhyung wouldn't get into my thoughts for a few fleeting moments. His image was in the details of everyday life and almost constantly recured at work. I didn't dare ask anyone if he knew what was happening with Lee now. I didn't want to go over zealous and the object of my interest effectively got rid of his phone. In fact, I didn't even know if he was still alive in this Kanda. Many signals indicated that the black-haired had completely cut himself off from New York and everything that connected him to this city, however. Only few documents that Marco ordered me from time to time to put on Minhyung's desk proclaimed that he will get back here someday.

In all my thoughts I didn't even notice when Seth stepped out onto the porch and sat down next to me on the bench. I felt guilty every time I spaced out, not respecting what I had now. It was unfair to the blonde and even to myself because it was difficult for me to distinguish real emotions from the delusions of my own, fatal desires that the subconscious sent me.

"What have you been thinking so hard lately, huh?" asked the boy, wrapping his arm around me, whose warmth I received with a heavy heart.

"About us," I said half-truth, sighing softly. "About the future... about what will happen in a second, hour, day, month or year," I whispered. I felt that the weather really suited my mood. I have begun day constantly whining and indulging in nostalgia. I already wanted to feel joy and spring and let the rot go away with this unpleasant mood. "I come to the conclusion that nothing in this world has been certain lately."

"Take care of what you have here and now," Seth said calmly, kissing me gently on the temple. "What comes later, it will be later," he shrugged carelessly, as if the words he was saying were really so lightweight. "You shouldn't worry about such bullshit and look into the future too much. The most extreme you can plan for today is going to the cinema with me tonight," he laughed happily in spite of the climate anomalies that have ruled our world for some time, erasing winter from the calendar. "What do you think?" he asked and I couldn't help the slight smile that lurked somewhere in the corners of my mouth but couldn't fully bloom.

"I'm in," I said quietly, wishing to break free from the melancholy snare I had fallen into.

♥

**[minhyung]**

Darkness surrounded me.

In the distance, a soft rustle of clothes broke the dead silence.

The clock ticking blended with the rapid beating of my heart.

The soft slam of the door meant loneliness again.

Another feature I could attribute to Zayn was an unlimited desire to dominate everything that was in his vicinity.

He didn't ask for permission, he just took it.

He took by force.

He took without asking.

One pattern has repeatedly been duplicated over recent days. Zayn would get into my room, take what he wanted and leave immediately, regardless of the devastation he left behind in other people.

If New York drained me out of emotion, Edmonton turned them into a debris. The place of escape became the worst hellish circle for a dead mortal already in life. I felt nothing, feeling too much at the same time. All I wanted at the moment was to come back. Return to your previous hopelessness to be able to avoid the current one.

I always thought of Donghyuck after Zayn's disappearance. I discovered his emotions and was able to identify with them. I realized how damaged and used he felt - how much I ruined him with my own selfishness.

Looking back, I regret.

I regret everything.

I regret losing myself in those honey eyes.

I wish I could appreciate their kindness now.

I regret everything except that I was able to get lost in them for a second even at the price I am currently paying.

At first I was convinced that Zayn would be my salvation. Many signals indicated that we would be good friends who occasionally sleep with each other. This relationship was characterized by emotional balance - we silenced each other, we didn't lean towards any extreme. For a moment I managed to forget why I actually came to Edmonton and I was incredibly grateful for that. The boy listened to me and I also tried to be as good a companion as he was. We felt nothing to each other except sexual attraction and understanding about the dense network of meanders of our lives.

Two weeks ago, however, our relationship changed dramatically. Suskind found in my bag a briefcase with Lee's files, which I got a long time ago from Marco. In the picture of Hyuck, he saw all the details, that I once gave under the influence of alcohol, of someone from who I wanted to escape as far as possible. I remember that he was pissed off that I have things about a person I want to forget about with me. I didn't know why I took the file from New York. It was an impulse. It just lay on the table and looked at me. I couldn't really part with someone who permanently crept into my thoughts and heart. Inexplicably, however, Zayn took it very personally and began to treat me as his property in the form of an object, not a human. He would come when he felt like it and let go of all protests. We've become almost enemies after being alcohol and sex buddies. He was acting as if he wanted to fight or punish me for something I wasn't fully aware of. Despite the lack of this understanding, I began to really feel guilty, although this guilt was a phantom form - it lacked the basis to exist.

I was more and more broken; I became incredibly fragile, as if I were to break up into a million pieces at any moment. I wanted to go back to the past, lock myself in my room and await mother's voice calling for dinner, meet Izzy to talk about some complete stupidity, hole up with a book on the sofa in the living room. Meanwhile, the only thing I had now was a foreign room that was a prison for me and a bed that became a symbol of my humiliation and loss of all dignity.

I slid slowly to the floor, pushing my body into a seemingly safe space between the wall and the bedside table. I reached for the phone with a trembling hand, half protruding from my pants pockets thrown just like on the floor. When I turned on the screen to see the time, the bright light of the screen unpleasantly struck my eyes accustomed to the dark. It was midnight in Edmonton some time ago, which meant New York was after 2AM. I stared at these few numbers for a long time, not quite knowing what I wanted. However, when my thoughts finally crystallized, my heart responded immediately. I felt an uncomfortable movement in my chest, giving the illusory impression that somewhere there was a part of the old me somewhere.

Partially impulsively, partly with intent, I unlocked the phone again for a long time and dialed a number that I already knew by heart from constantly staring at the screen in moments of weakness and loneliness.

"Hello?" I heard Hyuck's sweet, sleepy voice on the other side. My heart beat immediately and I couldn't say a word. For four months this sound has only been crumbling somewhere in my head and has been disappearing for a long time. The audible expression of my fears and joy faded into memories, creating a blur. Now I could play it and digest again. "Hello..." the boy said again and an uncontrollable tears went out from under my eyelids. I quickly wiped it with the back of hand, begging him to say something more, not to hang up like that. I had no idea how to let him know that I need it. Non-verbally, with the strength of my mind, I sent weak signals into space, hoping that the boy would guess... that he would understand... that this is not a random, unknown telephone number "Hyungie?" he asked gently, though not entirely confident and I froze. On the other side there was complete silence, interrupted by weak rustles of bedding, most likely. I wondered what brought my name in this form to his lips; after all this time has passed. He had no right to remember. You forget about people like me. They are removed from memory. "If it's you, say something," he asked quietly, as if he were afraid of the words he was saying. "Whatever, really," he added in a whisper after a few seconds of constant silence on my part.

"I'm sorry," I whispered suddenly, surprising myself. I felt bitterness pouring in my throat, killing me from the inside and taking my breath away. I sniffed quietly, choking on the growing hysterical sob.

"What do you apologize for?" he was surprised, still using that soft and controlled voice. A voice that made me feel actually even worse than before. I realized that this phone was a mistake.

"I'm sorry for everything," I said with the last of my strength and pressed the red receiver.

♥

**[donghyuck]**

I watched sadly as the boys hurriedly packed the bus equipment to set off again. Our long weekend ended just as gloomy as it was promised at the end of November. We have slept these last five months beautiful sleep only occasionally interrupted by nightmares. I was experiencing some kind of deja vu because it was exactly the same the previous time Seth was leaving my life in a colorful van.

This time I knew it was permanent.

That there will be no return.

This time, however, it wasn't just about long separation. Distance and trips - I could accept that.

This time it was one hundred percent about my feelings, which have completely changed.

I loved Seth with all my heart. He was always with me when I needed him, gave me pure and sincere love, I felt safe and calm with him. After all, these last five months have allowed me to fully state that this is really not what I wanted in my life. I was too emotionally damaged for a peaceful future with the blonde to please me. I didn't want my rottenness to ruin his prospects for the normal relationship he deserved.

In addition, a completely different man appeared in my life long ago - the complete opposite of Seth. I couldn't keep them both and choosing one wasn't easy either. However, Minhyung's phone from a month and a half ago completely changed our relationship, although black-haired is not even surely aware of it. I myself didn't know exactly when Lee would return to the country and whether it would happen at all but I could no longer be in a relationship with one man, constantly thinking about the other. It wasn't fair to both of them and I felt bad myself having a two-front relationship. It is a dick move to be with the blond with body and with heart somewhere in an undefined corner of Canada with Lee.

"And on such a beautiful and sunny day, the moment of our final farewell came," said Seth, leaning his shoulder on the side of the bus. He said it all in a cheerful tone but his face betrayed quite different emotions. I felt just as broken as he was, though I suspected that I still suffered less because I had come to terms with that day some time ago.

"I think so," I said hoarsely, feeling a big lump rise in my throat. I didn't even register the exact moment when a lazy tear rolled down my cheek. I wiped it quickly with the back of my hand and tried to cough the unpleasant hoarseness.

"Don't cry," he sighed, sniffing furtively. "We both agreed so," he reminded, looking far above my head as if making eye contact could end tragically for him at that moment.

"I know," I replied, staring at the ground for a change. After a moment of silence that prevailed between us, I felt Seth's arms wrap around me tightly. Reflexively I put a cheek on the boy's chest and pressed my hands into the pockets of his sweatshirt.

"Remember, I'm always on the phone, always at your disposal," he whispered with heartbreaking sadness.

"Okay," I said dumbly because I knew now that nothing like this would ever happen.

♥

**[minhyung]**

The lamp on the ground blinked with the last rays of light, saving a dead SOS signal. With the rest of its strength, it bent lampshade toward the shattered TV screen that had fallen just before it, crushed by a table.

I sat on the floor, leaning my back against the edge of the bed and looking at the act of destruction I had done. My chest was rising quickly to the rhythm of my breaths that left my mouth. I felt that the mess that surrounded me fully reflected my state of mind. Complete chaos and confusion. Sitting in this room caused me physical pain, which half of it didn't match the mental one that had been going on for several months. I was looking for a goal in my life that was hiding somewhere in my unconscious and still holding me by some miracle in this world.

Sometimes I dreamed of it at night.

Somehow familiar but blurred.

Imaginary laughter.

Because he didn't laugh.

I chased him...

But he was still running away.

My meaning of life.

He was afraid of what I was.

That's why he was slipping out of my hands.

Horror in his eyes.

My hands on his body.

I felt disgusted with myself.

And he was crying.

He cried loudly at my ignorance.

And he disappeared.

And I was alone again.

"Mark?" I heard a familiar, slightly suspicious voice on the other side of the phone.

"I want to go back" I whispered.

"Another month, Mark," a familiar voice replied calmly. Marco. It was Marco. He was a familiar voice. "You only have a month left."

"You don't understand anything," I replied in a shaky voice. "This place is ruled by Satan himself."

"Do you take medicine?" Perez asked and I barely held my voice so as not to laugh mockingly. For the ignorant, all mental illnesses were created equal.

"If I don't get out of here, I'll kill myself. I swear to you, Marco, that I can't do this anymore. I don't want to spend a minute here anymore! " I burst out quickly, losing my breath every second.

"Okay, Minhyung, just calm down" I heard my name in a form that after that time seemed almost strange to me. "I'm already booking you the fastest flight possible, okay?"

"Okay," I whispered. "Okay."

"Hang up, okay?"

"Yeah," I replied. "Yeah..."

♥

**[donghyuck]**

When we entered the driveway of our temporary home, I was impressed. This building looked quite ordinary, a typical American bungalow with verandas, low-set windows and a slightly flattened roof.

"You presented it to me almost as if we were to live in a dilapidated rubble," I told Steven.

"I honestly say that I am in a serious shock myself," he replied, leaning out of the steering wheel. "Marco had to put some funds in this house. Once, even this area looked completely different. "

"When was the last time you were here?" I asked.

"Almost four years ago," he admitted.

We got out of the car slowly to get some fresh air. A light breeze was blowing, which brought us warm masses of May air. In this region, the turn of the summer months usually meant unbearable heat but it seemed that this year it wouldn't be so tragic. In addition, we were not in the center of Norfolk but rather on its outskirts, so the noise of the many trees that surrounded us significantly reduced the feeling of heat.

When Steven opened the front door, we slowly began to bring all the equipment that we brought with us from New York. Our computers, cardboard boxes, white board and probably an annual supply of food. We needed everything because we were not 100% sure how much time we would spend here. One thing was certain - all our struggles with Carl were coming to an end. Over the past month, the whole thing has gained an unexpected pace. We received a lot of information and photos. The man had been in Norfolk for a long time and everything seemed to indicate that he had settled in here very much and felt quite safe. Just like me with my position in the company. It seemed to me that I had roots deep enough that it would be impossible to pull me out at this stage. Marco would have to tear the whole system apart and it would hurt a lot. I tried to do it amazingly.

Steven and I both had a premonition that we had just arrived at the last stop of this long and tiring road, though for slightly different reasons.

He was glad we found Carl.

I was glad that the time had finally come when I could let him find this man.

We put all the electronics in the largest room right after the living room, which was supposedly assigned in advance for these purposes. Before we could connect all the cables and run all the equipment, we were found late in the evening.

"The bedroom is one but I believe this is not a major problem," said Steven as we sat at the kitchen table waiting for hot water.

"None" supported, concluding that the bed is still huge. "If you keep your hands on your quilt, of course," I added jokingly.

"In that case, I think an independent men's evening can be declared open," he laughed happily, putting a pack of beer on the table.

"By all means," I replied, slowly pouring boiling water over our instant noodles.


	28. Diaries of the past: smile

**[1.5 year earlier]**

**[minhyung]**

"You know I won't get out of here?" Luke asked after a very long silence that fell between us. It was a hard silence. I didn't even know why. It's just been like that for a long time now between us.

It was quiet.

"Why?" I asked, staring at the base of the upper bed. I drew the remains of pictures that were still in my head with fingers on the back of the brunet. I didn't want to oppose him in drawing issue but I didn't want to give it up completely as well. I always felt the need to grab a sheet of paper and a pencil after sex, which is why drawing with fingers on Luke's naked body was currently the only alternative allowed for me.

"Because I'm fucked up as hell, Markie," he said simply. "You're rather well," he finally admitted, although I have long ceased to feel like a properly functioning man.

"I don't want to leave, either," I whispered truthfully. I didn't want to learn to explore the world again. A world that hurt me. And I certainly didn't want to leave, to get to know it all by myself again.

"You don't decide on that," Luke sighed heavily, covering us both with disgustingly white sheets. It did get a bit chilly indeed.

"You'll see I am," I laughed, wanting to cheer him up somehow. "I won't leave you," I promised and I intended to keep that. I didn't know what exactly I would do but it is a center for mentally ill people. It was just enough to be mentally ill, right?

"You won't have a choice," he muttered under breath, staring blankly into space. "You must live normally."

"I don't want..." I started but Luke very quickly stopped my thought and entered the word.

"Promise me you'll meet a boy with a good heart and let him love you," he asked with tears in eyes.

"Luke..." I looked at him anxiously with a clear lack of understanding. He has never been like that before.

"Smile at him a lot and often... and show that you really care," he whispered weakly, sniffing. He touched my lips slowly with his fingertips. "You smile so beautifully, Mark..." he said softly, kissing me gently on the lips. "Please, keep smiling at him..." I didn't know why he has such a bad mood today but maybe it wasn't a good time to discuss it in any particular way. That's why I just gave him a quick kiss and closed tightly in my arms.


	29. Transient beauty

**[may 2020]**

**[donghyuck]**

Steven and I sat in the car for four hours and watched the bar where Carl was. In recent days, we had the opportunity to see a man several times with our own eyes but we decided not to make sudden movements. As the basis of our activities in the first two upcoming weeks, we found photos and fragmentary tracking of the route, which he followed every day. The trail always broke about in the same place but we had to be extremely careful. If we lost sight of him, we could never find this man again and many months of hard work would have been in vain.

"Do you have any photos from the inside?" asked Steven.

"I still haven't received them," I replied. "But I'm refreshing my mail, maybe something will fall into it soon."

We've talked less and less recently. The exchange was more about casual information on a topic. We felt a lot of pressure in advance because Marco called several times a day to learn literally about every little detail of our day. His bloodlust for Carl was indescribable. I already felt sorry for the man, even though we didn't even have him in our hands. Perez no longer wanted to pull any information from him, listen to any apologies or explanations. He wanted moans of pain and begging for pity that he would never receive.

I felt sorry for Carl and at the same time wondered if I would ever end up the same way he did if Marco finally found a way to get rid of me. In all this sick situation, I started to accelerate the moment of catching this man myself and I wanted to bring him to the end as soon as possible. First of all, I was afraid that Marco might come up with the fact that I was sitting everything on and that I had long known where Carl was, I just needed time to bite into the foundations of the mafia. Secondly, I was hoping that all Perez's anger would pass on to Carl and I would have a moment to take a breath and build another plan to escape from imminent death. After all, Marco apparently completely forgot that there are so many more people like Carl in the company. Many more refugees waiting for a convenient moment to finally get rid of him. 

I just needed him to realise that. 

Realise that I'm not the biggest death threat for him at all.

Steven's phone vibrations broke the silence in the car. When the dark-haired looked at the display, he sighed heavily, so I didn't even need explanations about who was srambling for his attention. Our boss's name hung in the air.

"Yeah?" he answered slowly, trying not to sound too nervous or tired of these constant calls.

"You must get back to New York as soon as possible," said Perez, bringing us both to life. I sat next to him, so the content of the whole conversation was no secret to me. "You are very needed here now."

"Even if I leave at the moment, I'll still be in the evening. It is, however, six hours away. "

"I know, that's why I'm calling right now because you must be here before five," he said frantically, just like not him. Steven gave me an astonished look that I immediately returned.

"What happened so suddenly?" he asked, still keeping eye contact with me.

"You'll see there" we only heard brief information, after which Marco hung up. For a moment in the car it got quiet again because we were not able to put this tangle of thoughts into one meaningful whole.

"What do you think this is about?" I finally asked. I would be lying saying that a million questions and fears did not just explode in my head. For Marco there was no other priority than Carl. Steven's return to New York postopned and delayed everything. If the company suddenly did not start burning and wasn't attacked by an alien mafia, I couldn't indicate another reason.

"I have no idea," he replied confused, starting the engine. I believed him. Although Steven hasn't done anything good for me in the past and rather quite the opposite, thanks to that I was able to read perfectly when he was lying. And now he wasn't. "However, if I'm to be at five in New York, I need to get you to the base quickly."

♥

**[minhyung]**

I arrived at New York, perceiving this airport, which I know well, as quite foreign. I felt insecure here, though much safer than in Edmonton. People passing me looked less aggressive, although seeing such a crowd in the face of recent months filled with loneliness caused me the beginnings of social phobia.

The air here was much warmer and heavy. I liked. It made a pleasant contrast to the city I left behind. In the distance I also saw a familiar face. Although I was pleased to see Steven, I couldn't manifest this emotion, so it could look like I was quite indifferent to this situation.

"You look worse than shit," he joked straight away, taking a carefree attitude, though in his eyes I saw that Marco probably told him to walk on eggshells around me. That's why I passed him in silence, sending a gloomy look and just got in the car, not wanting to make it more difficult for us to first contact after such a long time. "Don't you have any of your things?" he was surprised when he started the car.

"I don't," answered. "I threw everything away."

"Okay, let's go," he muttered quickly, probably not wanting to comment on my strange behavior.

We continued our journey in silence. Steven was never a talkative person but this time I guessed that he wanted to give me a moment to calm down and would talk when the time came.

Meanwhile, I looked calmly out the window, taking in the views of the city of my childhood. I remembered every skyscraper that had its image reflected in my eyes and every billboard that irritated them. I missed the hours spent in traffic jams and the sounds of public transport.

I missed the noise of life.

Despite the air conditioning on, I was still hot. The evening turned out to be much warmer than I had expected and I was used to. In Edmonton, the temperature was hardly ever above twenty degrees. I took off my jacket quickly, putting it on lap and breathed deeply when I felt the cool air on my skin.

"Throw it at backseat," Steven said, nodding at mentioned direction. I followed his advice and turned around to leave my belongings there.

I swallowed slowly, noticing Donghyuck's clothes scattered across the car floor. I didn't expect that contact with this kid, even indirectly, would occur so quickly. That is why I quickly returned to my previous position on the seat and turned glazed look toward dynamic traffic. I blinked few times to get rid of all the moisture. I let out air from lungs discreetly, biting lower lip.

I couldn't even imagine standing face-to-face with him. I wondered if he still looked the same, if nothing in his behavior was drastically transformed, whether he was still as modest and innocent as before. I wondered what our meeting would look like - would he greet me or would he pass me without a word, despising my existence. This situation was inconceivable to me because for half a year so many things are able to change in other people and their entire environment...

In fact, I felt the same as when I left the center. Now I was just a little less lost but just as shattered and broken emotionally. My relationships with loved ones suffered as well as I suffered, losing some personality traits irrevocably. I felt I had to build it again. I wanted to become a completely new person who would deserve the respect of another who would have goals and ideals in life. I didn't want to be bland again. I wanted to have some valuable values so that my life would not be based on death or killing.

I planned to create a completely new Mark Lee.

♥

**[donghyuck]**

I wandered between the shop's alleys, anxious to kill my time. Without Steven, I couldn't move on with the investigation and analyzing its results was pointless as we couldn't consult them together. My phone was silent, uncertainty and curiosity drove me crazy. In this situation, I couldn't sit still. I decided to wrap myself in a hooded sweatshirt, put on a mask and sunglasses, and then set out to find the ingredients necessary to create the perfect dinner.

As I traversed the alleys in the shop, I began to wonder if I really wanted to bring Carl to place of his destiny. The importance of this task was unquestionably huge. After all, some time ago I began to wonder what exactly would happen to me when all this action would end. Catching Carl became the main driving force behind both my and Steven's work and actually the entire company. We engaged all our forces in capturing the poison that was digesting Marco from the inside. 

But what happens when the poison is removed? 

What are the prospects for us now when we can't even see the single one? 

What will happen to me? 

How can I prevent this?

Minhyung also stood among my inner dilemmas, with whom for half a year I had no contact except the phone with an apology. I didn't know where he was, what he was doing and whether he was still alive and he apparently had it deep in ass that I was dying of anxiety about his poor existence. 

I was looking forward to the day when I would see him again. Sometimes in my mind I wrote such a script that when we return to New York with Steven, he will be there. He will walk the same paths as always and visit the interrogation rooms, where he will wreak havoc when something upsets him. 

That he just will be. 

Although at the moment, imagining the situation in which we sit opposite each other and talk normally, was beyond my imagination, I really wanted to experience it.

I tightened eyelids, trying to direct my thoughts to some other path. For now, there was no need to rely on the products of my own desires because I was in Norfolk - a long way from New York and it is not yet known how long from Minhyung himself.

♥

**[minhyung]**

We all sat in silence. I could feel Marco exchanging knowing looks with Steven somewhere beyond me. In these looks, certain decisions were made that I couldn't control. I was treated like a child who went to the headmistress and now some steps must be taken to ground him.

The conclusion was pretty much clear. I had to look outside like I felt inside - dead.

"When can you get back to work, Mark?" the question suddenly arose that put an end to the silence of many minutes. I coughed into a closed hand, wanting to get rid of the lump in throat and made eye contact with Perez.

"Actually - now, if you have something for me," I replied, feeling that I had just used as many words as never left my throat since Edmonton. Marco started tapping his fingers uncertainly on the top of ebony desk, glaring at Steven again. After a few winks and rolling eyes in my direction, it was him who spoke.

"I am still working with Haechan on the Carl case," he began cautiously, as if he knew perfectly well that this one key word would particularly stir my heart. This could be it because the dark-haired was aware of many things that were never explicitly stated. "Everything almost ends because we have it practically in our grasp. We're now sitting in Norfolk. A few times we saw him coming in and out of the local bar, where he spent the entire days. Actually, there is only a question of getting to know the interior of this building and coming up with a way to discreetly grab him here in New York. "

"You don't need three people for that, right?" I suggested dispassionately.

"Sure," admitted Marco. "However, I need Steven here," he said firmly. "Because other circumstances require it," he added less confidently, which completely destroyed the veil of truth that he wanted to put words into. "We have a problem with Maddox shit."

"What about something here?" I asked. "Is there nothing like that I don't have to leave?"

"Why not this? This is a very important matter," he said, moved, as if I were giving up my job offer.

"Before I left, you could say I had a serious argument with Donghyuck," I lied partially.

"Then you have a chance to get along," Steven interjected. "I think he needs some company because he's sitting there all alone now and cannot move until I return and this is not promised that it'll happen fast," he added. "I've got a lot to do here."

"If he wants to get along..."

"He has no choice," Perez said. "When you feel strong, you can hit the road."

♥

**[donghyuck]**

Precision is important in skating.

Natural grace to flow on ice.

The perfect skater must be born with passion.

Must hear music.

And absorb it with whole body.

Curtsy.

And jump.

Smooth landing.

Audience applause.

Perfectly finished figure.

The slightest mistake or injury that could end your entire career.

My little evening of independent man was very lonely. The time spent on the sofa in the living room watching women's figure skating can hardly be considered as reaching the peak of happiness.

Despite all this loneliness in an empty house, I could afford a little emotion, remembering the past. Not my own but this told one. The story of my mother who used to do this sport in high school. She gave all her youth to figure skating. Although grandfather was against this passion, grandmother was very supportive in developing it. Her greatest success was winning a few competitions at the state level and reaching the national qualifying rounds. Later, love and pregnancy interrupted her, which gave rise to an avalanche of life's failures.

Now I sometimes get to the moment when I see my mother watching old cassettes, current competitions or world championships. I wonder what emotions she suppresses in herself when she watches someone else fulfill her dreams on the screen. Many times I had the question whether in heart she regretted some choices, which brought her to the place where she is now - mute, sitting on the sofa, desperately searching for any prospects.

She had something common with Isabelle. 

When I came to Minhyung's apartment to make sure his disappearance was not a bad joke, I found Izzy there. The girl also had no idea because Lee just packed his things in a bag and left without a word. She only learned from Marco that she wouldn't see him again for the next six months or more. However, the blonde was sitting on the couch when I entered the apartment. Covered with a blanket, she ate dry rice from a bowl and watched old cassettes that showed little Isabelle skating on a frozen lake.

_"I was pretty, right?"_ _she asked me then, when I entered without a word, I came closer and sat down next to her._

_"You're still really beautiful," I replied, smiling sadly. That was the truth. Isabelle was one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen in my life._

_"It's not the same," she whispered, staring at the screen. "At that time, I was beautiful in an innocent way. Now you know how it is. "_

_"I know," confirmed._

That evening we spent together watching small boxes filled with memories.

♥

**[minhyung]**

When I arrived at the driveway of the house where Hyuck and Steven had stopped, I felt a panic. I was afraid that the boy wasn't the same person as he used to be because I changed a lot. Perhaps the perception of another person through the prism of my own experiences is absurd but lately I have been filled with just such absurd thoughts and observations. But the most terrifying option for me was that the boy would hate me to a degree that would exclude us from being in the same room together. It was also possible. Before I left, I created in his eyes a false image of myself as the one who wants to hurt people close to him. Brunet was permanently hurt and disappointed, excluding the possibility of retaining positive memories about me.

I finally grabbed a bag of Steven stuff and got out of the car. I couldn't stay in the car all night, expecting a miracle. There was a TV glow from the living room, which meant that Donghyuck was still awake. Just before the door, I hesitated for a moment because I came to the conclusion that I should knock. However, it wasn't in the style of old Mark and the new also didn't anticipate such drastic changes in character.

I entered, or rather slipped in secret, into a dark, secluded corridor, wanting to make as little noise as possible. I slowly put bag on the floor and took off shoes, delaying the moment of entering the living room. I leaned subtly around the corner but to my eyes showed only the back of the sofa and a fragment of the sports program with a repetition of the figure skating world championship. I sighed quietly, taking a few slow steps forward, until finally I saw the outline of the sleeping boy's silhouette. I smiled to myself, relieved. It meant that I still had some time to prepare myself mentally for this conversation.

When I was driving the car to Norfolk, in my head I wanted to formulate questions that I will ask brunet and various scenarios. I wondered if I would say it out loud or if he would answer. I wondered if it was best to pretend that the last six months did not take place and say the usual _hi_ , and then linger at home without explanation. Now that he lay quietly asleep, I didn't have that worry. I could just sit on the table by the sofa and look at him for a moment.

Physically, nothing has changed. He was still the sweet, sunny kid I saw half a year ago outside the restaurant. He was now wearing a too large hoodie and ragged jeans, which certainly didn't add years to him, on the contrary - it additionally took it away. A little too long hair fell strands of brunet's face, highlighting that childhood charm that he didn't lose a single gram of. That's why looking at him was so nice, so pleasant for me. I knew that at least some things about him were still stable and unchanging.

I ran my finger lightly across Hyuck's cheek to make sure he was really here. Maybe it sounded banal but lately I dreamed of his sudden disappearance so many times that I couldn't be sure of anything one hundred percent. Meanwhile, I faced a dream, convinced of its reality.

I gently put my hands under the boy's body and found that he really weighs as much as he looks - almost nothing. I tilted him slightly to my chest, wondering how vulnerable he was to any shocks because he didn't even make a lunatic attempt to move any limb. I started going slowly, passing the couch. I didn't want him to lie in the living room because the situation would only get more complicated if I appeared out of nowhere and in addition took the bedroom. I would feel even more uncomfortable than now.

It wasn't until I covered the boy with the blanket and closed the door behind me that I felt how tired I was mentally and physically of returning to apparent normality. People around me required a prior attitude towards life, the same behavior and readiness to work, even though they felt that it was not good with me. Meeting similar expectations promised to be much heavier than I initially thought. In my heart I hoped for more consideration but I had to accept it. On their part, my return was also confusing, they could not fill new roles. We all turned out to be somewhat lost.

I walked slowly into the kitchen, feeling my stomach growling. It wasn't a shocking phenomenon for me; I haven't eaten for almost two days. The appetite returned, however, and the hunger attacked unexpectedly, as if it felt that it could already demand its satisfaction, since nothing more primordial occupied my thoughts any longer.

I opened the fridge carefully, as if any uncontrolled movement could wake up Hyuck. I didn't want to talk to him now. It seemed too distant even tomorrow. So I looked inside my today's canteen, pleasantly surprising myself because it was quite full. When I was going anywhere with Steven, we almost always went with tinned shit and instant soups or starved completely, because none of us wanted to move the ass to the store. That's why I'm happy now that I can taste such delights as a ham and cheese sandwich.

I sat at the table thinking of Carl.

_So it's over._

One of the next evenings will end the many months of hard work for all of us. What puzzled me was a completely normal matter, which raised a quite natural question - " _What next?_ ". I couldn't imagine the company being stagnant. It didn't suit the place where something always happened. Now I was really afraid to bring Carl's case to an end because our future was under a huge question mark.

I was afraid to say aloud that there would be a regression.

♥

**[donghuck]**

When I opened my eyes in the morning, the first thing I thought was that I didn't remember the way to the bedroom yesterday. I didn't know how I got here and I didn't drink anything special in the evening to forget so easily. However, I decided that it was not important because of my complete sleep for the first in a long time. After all, no one woke me up at dawn and I had the whole mattress for myself without Steven's butt pushing on my half...

I slowly lifted body from the bed and went to the kitchen, where I found a sink with a mountain of unwashed dishes from the whole week. Delaying it indefinitely wasn't the best idea but neither me nor Steven were exemplary house masters. However, I had to do it because I knew perfectly well that I didn't even have anything to put on breakfast and coffee and order wouldn't be done itself either.

I turned on the radio, which greeted me with joyful country songs perfect for a summer morning for washing dishes. Man literally wanted to live again and scrub weekly plates with dried food remnants. I began to wonder seriously if the best solution would not be to buy a spatula but I waved it all away.

It worried me and wondered at the same time - the lack of a phone call from Steven. I didn't want to think that something bad could happen. Also, I doubt that no one would let me know if Worldwide Armagedon would start in New York. However, this silence was worrying in its own way. I didn't understand keeping secrets that probably concerned us all and sooner or later they would reach me anyway. I didn't want to make a call myself, fearing that I would interrupt something. The vicious circle seemed to be pushing ahead.

I often felt unsung in many cases. Marco treated me frigidly and in advance, sometimes pretending not to be in the room at all. All this has been going on since that incident with the beating that I don't remember best. Perez knew he had made a mistake, he falsely judged me, yielding to emotions. At least that was what it looked like in the eyes of all the employees who found out about the case. Marco lost part of his face, a part of a rational man's mask. Apologizing to me was below his dignity and the lack of this apology also seemed to conflict with his morals. As a result of this emotional tragic conflict, these combos arose - like I was sitting in a company and working for him but on the other hand I could not exist at all in the face of all this ignorance.

It would be better if I never existed.

All these pessimistic thoughts absorbed me to such an extent that I didn't even notice the moment when I put the last plate on the kitchen counter. It wasn't until I reached into the empty sink that I had to shake off my lethargy and close the faucet. I looked up at the top of the dishes, cursing my mind at the small dryer that was unprepared for two sobs of a year and couldn't take three-quarters of the glass I had cleaned.

I sighed in exasperation, pulling the first stack of plates off the counter with impetus. However, when I turned around in anger to spread them on the kitchen table, my eyes were greeted by a completely different view, which I never expected to find.

Minhyung stood on the other side of the wooden countertop and leaned carelessly against the wall as if he had lived here forever.

As if the last six months was just a fiction.

His white, crumpled t-shirt with short sleeves contrasted strongly with the disorder of the black hair on his head. Lee's face showed tremendous fatigue and body posture starved. Only the cigarette smoldering between his fingers was still the same as it used to be. He looked like a walking death and yet my heart started beating fast enough to drown out any sounds coming from my surroundings. Somewhere in the background the radio was no longer playing for me and the birds outside the window have been dead. All perception in a blink of an eye has gone to here and now, as if the whole world suddenly ceased to exist. I looked at the boy in shock and confusion, unable to gather together a single thought that really wanted to appear somewhere in the depths of my tangled cries of loss.

The whole observation process lasted only a few seconds and was interrupted by a loud bang of a pile of plates smashing against the floor.

Minhyung's lips curved in an unpleasant grimace and his head slightly turned to the side, as if it would weaken the horrible sound that rang in our ears. Despite all this confusion, I didn't move even a millimeter myself and I still looked at the black-haired boy. When he made eye contact with me, there was nothing about the confidence I was expecting to find. This baffled me to such an extent that I immediately looked at the floor.

"I'm sorry," I whispered unexpectedly, surprising myself, because my mouth was running faster than the brain was sending information. I crouched immediately and began to collect larger shards of glass, which from time to time slipped out of trembling hands.

"I'm also glad to see you, Hyuckie," he replied in such uncomfortably hoarse voice, as if no words had left his throat for long time. He immediately tried to clear it and finally came close enough that I could easily smell the strong smell of his cigarettes.

He knelt down beside me in silence and began to gather the remains of the plates, pretending to not see how shaky I was. Meanwhile, I still couldn't understand how miraculously we were in one room. In one city even. It was inconceivable all the more in the nerves that accompanied me.

I glanced sideways quickly at Mark, who was gathering glass from the floor, holding a cigarette between his lips.

What was he thinking about now?

What was he doing here?

Who was he actually?

I slowly got up from my knee, throwing all the glass into the trash, smuggling one larger piece in hand. I gripped my fingers tightly on it, still looking at Minhyung. I wanted it not to be a dream. I had no idea what to say to him, what to ask, how to behave. I just so desperately wanted him to be here somewhere near and not go anywhere anymore, that I couldn't communicate it in any way. I felt the glass cut through my skin and warm blood running down my fingers. It was only then that part of the tension left me, realizing that it was really a reality. I smiled to myself until it turned out to be so severe that I dropped the glass from my hand. A piece of plate fell back to the floor, dirtying the tiles with my own blood.

Mark bent slowly, picking up that dirty debris along the way. He didn't comment on anything, though his eyes hung on my face for a moment. I turned quickly to the sink, immediately making the cold water from the tap wash my wound. Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed that Lee leaned his shoulder on the fridge door, stubbornly staring at my bloody hand. He sighed softly, reaching into the basket in the cabinet above it. He took a bandage out of it and offered it to me without a word, backing away immediately. He had to read unmistakably from my behavior that I hardly want his closeness now because I didn't even realize fully that we were in the same house.

"Thank you," I whispered indistinctly in a panic. When I tied the dressing casually between my fingers, I wanted to leave the room. However, annoyingly enough, the only passage between the kitchen and the rest of the house was where the fridge was. And Minhyung leaned against the fridge, taking up enough space to make contactless walking next to him impossible.

The boy probably noticed my awkwardness because he leaned back on the white refrigerator, freeing up a little more space. I immediately took advantage of the opportunity he had given me and quickly ran out of the kitchen, trying to tame my stupid heart popping out of chest.


	30. Embracing a fragile existence

**[may 2020]**

**[donghyuck]**

I watched the sleeping Minhyung from a safe distance, leaning arm on the door frame. Despite all efforts, my breathing was not at all steady. Only the arms crossed over chest seemed to hold this stupid heart somehow. I could barely stop the need to check every now and then if this situation really takes place in the real world. I studied the facial features of the boy with bated breath.

Half a year.

Half a year.

I haven't seen him that much time.

The changes that took place in him were drastic in their own way. He seemed so fragile and vulnerable to me now. I didn't remember him that way at all. That Mark exuded confidence, insolence and a mysterious, brutal force. Lee's eyes were challenging. Every gesture was saturated with immorality. Now his face was paler than before and under his eyes unhealthy bruises appeared as a result of chronic fatigue. Even the very look lost its perverse glow, as if all emotions decided to hide somewhere deep in the heart and not go out anymore.

I began to wonder what had really happened to him in this Canada. He just looked terrible. Emaciated as a scarecrow, lifeless, indifferent, fearful. He was slowly wandering around, embracing the apartment with a wild look that turned into faded indifference when he finally sat down in the armchair away from me. We kept a safe distance throughout the day, not exchanging even the smallest words with each other. I didn't know what to say to him, what to ask him so that it wouldn't be awkward. If I were to be honest, we never really talked to each other before. Our relationship from the beginning was something absurd with non-crystallized foundations.

It looked like this from the very beginning.

Strangers.

I looked at the bandage wrapped around my hand. It confirmed that Lee's presence was not just another strange dream, a figment of my wild imagination. However, if it turned out differently, I wanted to stay in this delusion. I waited too long for the boy's arrival to give him a simple way to leave now.

I finally closed the bedroom door, leaving Minhyung alone with his dreams. I was hoping he wouldn't have a nightmare. He looked like a man who needed hours of rest to catch up on all those previously lost. Also, I had to call Steven finally. I wanted to ask for clarification because in the current situation I fully deserved it.

I went out onto the porch at the back of the house, colliding with the warm, stuffy air of a soon-to-be-summer night. In such a place I would like to spend my vacation someday. Away from the hustle and bustle, surrounded by nature, cut off from work. It wasn't possible yet. There was always something going on in my life and gloomy thoughts didn't leave me alone for a second.

I finally dialed Steven's number, leaning elbows on the railing. The man picked up after a few rings, probably wondering whether to receive the call from me at all. He's always had a phone on his ass, like all of us. It was impossible when someone called and the other party was silent.

"Yes?" he started uncertainly.

"What's the matter with him?" I asked bluntly. I didn't care now why Mark was sent here, what we should do together or how to lead this task. I was more worried about Lee's health, the tragic pallor of his face and the thinning of his body.

"I don't know. He was like that when I picked him up at the airport," he said evasively but wasn't lying. At most, he planned to pass over some facts.

"Why did he come instead of you?" I murmured reluctantly not to look out for someone who genuinely enjoyed this turn of events. Still, in several respects such an unexpected change did not favorably affect Carl's case.

"You sound like you're disappointed," he laughed ambiguously, which only irritated me. This allusion was not his first. Steven knew about my sporadic contacts with Mark. At least about the first incident on the beach. However, I didn't think it would give him right to anything.

"I'd rather you to just fucking warn me," I said angrily. "We're in the middle of something important and you're almost giving me a heart attack with Mark emerging from nothingness. It's just out of place and a bit wrong, don't you think?" I stated in one breath, sticking a tiny pin in the form of a charge of lack of professionalism. The man said nothing to me. Actually, he fell silent for a long time. I could hear his breathing on the other side of the phone, so I gave him time to think about what he wanted to say. If he planned to take these words firmly, I didn't see any obstacles. That was what I thought and wanted to say out loud.

"Help him Hyuck," he asked with disarming care.

"How can I do that?" I asked incredulously. I didn't run a therapeutic practise. I didn't even know what was the reason for Minhyung's current appearance and behavior. Similar requests have always been easy to address to someone else at a distance.

"You have more influence on him than you think," he argued.

"Steven..." I sighed tiredly. I really didn't feel strong enough and in any competence to help other people. I couldn't help myself. Brunet's request was totally pointless.

"I know what was between you, Hyuck," he said quite seriously. I grimaced slightly at these words, feeling that he would immediately begin to pull out all the dirt he knew on top. Anything to convince me and make fulfill his request. "I know that you're not indifferent to him as well. He cares for you just as much, if not more so, since it's because of you that he went to Canada and now... "

"Wait, wait, wait" I cut him off sharply. I needed a second to gather all my thoughts and digest the strange message that went to my right ear. "How the hell is it because of me?" I asked almost oppressively. For a moment I felt like a person who unknowingly harms other people and finds out quite by accident.

"Because he fell in love with you, Haechan," he said bluntly, astounding me. Suddenly I felt as if the whole world collapsed under my feet. These words did not reach me. How did that... Fall in love? Steven couldn't know such things. He talked similar nonsense just to make me feel guilty; so that he would not have to put Lee on his feet himself. In my life I haven't heard that much absurdity. "Mark doesn't know these feelings well, that's why he fled from New York. It overwhelmed him." I shook head in denial. Simply - no.

"You're not in his head. How can you be so sure of that? " I asked in a shaky voice, leaning whole body against the balustrade because I had the impression that I would fall on these boards in the landing and I would not get up again. It was way too much information for me at once.

"I know Minhyung inside and out," Steven assured. "He's been acting in exactly the same stupid, senseless way for years. He runs away from himself, looking for something in his life that is at his fingertips," said calmly but still persuasively. "You don't need psychological and psychiatric skills for that, Hyuck. All you have to do is stand by him and support with a stupid word. Something strange happened in this Canada that made him an emaciated, tired of life ferret. I don't think he should be alone any time soon. "

♥

**[minhyung]**

_I dreamed that I was sitting tied in a corner of a familiar room. Actually, it wasn't a dream but a vague memory of something unpleasant, which I tried to forget with all my might._

_I saw Zayn._

_He was standing by the window in the moonlight and fastening the belt of pants. He was looking at me with superiority and an indefinite smile, wandering between one corner of the mouth and the other._

_I felt fear._

_Anxiety paralyzed my whole body when Zayn walked over to me, crouched next to tie tied wrists. He caught me by the chin, forcing to look into his dispassionate eyes, full of unreasonable hatred._

_"The weaker sardines in the school are dying of lack of oxygen," he whispered almost sympathetically, knocking my face aside. His brash laughter hid in the walls of the room for a long time; it seemed to echo off the green wallpaper many hours after the door slammed behind Suskind._

It was with such a picture before my eyes that I woke up from sleep, panicking around the room in which I was now. I've been analyzing for a long time any piece of furniture or color that happened to be in the field of my perception, clenching hands tightly on the cold bedding. I was gathering all the elements into one whole, gradually calming down as individual points eliminated the threat more and more. I breathed a sigh of relief, assigning the appearance of the bedroom in Norfolk, not the dingy Canadian cubicle in which I had vegetated earlier.

A steamed night reigned outside the window and the house was in grave silence. Everything seemed to indicate that I was sitting here all alone.

I embraced arms slightly, sitting slowly on the edge of the mattress. I leaned forward heavily, placing head between knees. I took a few calm, deep breaths, tightening eyelids. I felt a moving emptiness but also paradoxical security. I felt calm staying in this apartment. I knew that Donghyuck should be sitting somewhere in another room. I wasn't alone. I was bereft but not alone.

I left the bedroom, carefully stepping in the dark corridor. One look towards the living room let me know that it's quite empty. Steven's office door was wide open and a slight breeze of air was felt from inside. I looked uncertainly inside, noting the ajar balcony door leading to the landing behind the house. I hurried the distance that separated me from it, noticing the outline of Lee's silhouette from afar.

Brunet was sitting on the railing, obviously thinking deeply about something because he didn't immediately sense my presence, which in his case was rather unusual. The boy almost always picked up details from the environment that I would never have been able to notice. When someone was following him - he knew after a few minutes. Rarely would let to be get in from behind. Now, however, we were alone here. Rather, he didn't have to strain his guard in an emergency situation.

I approached Hyuck calmly, standing right next to him but not too close. I didn't want him to feel any negative intentions on my part. I preferred to keep healthy distance for our strange relations. We both wanted to escape from being trapped after all.

"You scared me," he shuddered, finally sensing my presence.

"I'm sorry," I smiled uncertainly, looking down at hands. I knew that the dark-haired was watching me carefully and I didn't feel very comfortable with it. It wasn't an eye of envy or fear. It was a sight of regret and concern about my condition. I knew it. I also knew how I looked like now. I was the same dump outside and inside. I couldn't help it. I needed some time to get back to my old form.

"You came back faster than I expected," he said calmly, without reproach or resentment. He said it as if I had to leave the weekly delegation after three days and quickly returned home ahead of schedule. He didn't make me feel at all like we hadn't had contact for almost half a year. That's why in response I just nodded _yes_ , as if to tell him that it just came out this somehow. "How was there?" he asked after a moment of mutual silence. I didn't answer him right away because I had to fight myself against a sudden wave of unpleasant emotion related to my not very colorful stay in Edmonton. I looked away, shrugging slightly.

"Not so well," replied quietly, rather explaining everything with these words. He wasn't stupid, so he certainly noticed that for now, this trip was taboo.

"Then when you called..." he began uncertainly.

"I didn't want to," I immediately denied, interrupting him in a slightly delicate way.

"What did you apologize me for, Minhyung?" he finished, nevertheless, smoothly completing the broken sentence. He apparently decided that without answering this question, we have no reason to move on. I fell silent. I didn't want to explain it. It was a mere impulse. I should never have done that. I raised head to meet Hyuck's eyes. I smiled involuntarily, seeing in them that old, friendly warmth that I never deserved.

"For everything" I said in a whisper, noticing how brunet's eyes began to glaze slightly. "For everything I've done to you," I added, combing hair nervously.

"I have no regrets for you," he confessed honestly, sliding carefully down the railing to the ground. Suddenly he became a little shorter than me. Such unexpected shaking of levels caused me a slight dissonance.

"You should," I replied, stepping unconsciously toward him. Immediately, however, I came to my senses, backing up by two. I didn't want to... I didn't want to.

"But I don't" he smiled sincerely, narrowing the distance between our bodies. He knew what I meant. Such a gesture on my part wasn't a good solution. I was glad that he read it correctly.

"I'll never touch you again if you don't want it, Hyuck," I spat with disarming honesty. Lee seemed shocked but after a moment he nodded in understanding.

"That's good," he replied gently, looking into my eyes with incredible calm. "Thank you."

♥

**[donghyuck]**

When finally the photos from inside the bar arrived at my mail, as usual, we were rotting in the car just outside its door. Life in Norfolk was incredibly boring in its own way. Nothing happened here and the periphery seemed to enjoy their calm, bland monotony. We were also slowly playing with this pattern but it didn't entertain us at all.

"I already have pictures," I said calmly, not feeling much excitement about it. We've been waiting for these materials for a long time, I would even say that an unreasonable and unacceptable amount of time.

"Finally," whispered Mark, resting mouth on my shoulder. He immediately stared at the laptop screen, so I decided to ignore it, although my heart behaved as if it was going to pop outside.

I slowly clicked the arrow with my finger, scrolling through the photos all the time but my thoughts were in a completely different place. Recently, very strange tension has been forming between me and Lee. None of us wanted to take this first step but we were both constantly catching on somewhere, constantly bumping into each other and rubbing against each other's limbs. Once it was normal and once it was awkward. We behaved like a couple of teenagers who decided to enter into a more intimate relationship without first getting to know each other.

There was nothing to fool around. Mark and I started it all from the ass side - both literally and figuratively. We didn't know anything about ourselves, which didn't prevent us from sleeping together several times. Now that we've both been somewhat twisted by past events, we've learned the art of dialogue. We spent time together on stupid things, exchanging information that was so useless that we couldn't read them from the files. This information was the most beautiful. Favorite color, cartoon or occupation. We avoided heavy topics such as his stay in the center and my relationship with father. We both read our folders and we didn't feel the need to spoil our miserable humor with similar memories.

Suddenly the silence in the car was broken by my belly growling and Minhyung's immediate laughter in response to this unexpected melody. I felt a blush of shame creep over my cheeks that physiology must have been involved in interrupting this moment of intimacy.

"Hungry?" asked the black-haired, still leaning with arm at my seat.

"Little" I admitted timidly. The day after dawn was so ugly that I didn't feel like having breakfast. However, it was almost noon now and I think the body started to claim its daily caloric demand.

"Then we'll go somewhere," he said with a sigh, back to his seat. Boy started the engine reluctantly and took the car out on the road.

In general, we adhered to the principle that we would not leave the car near the bar until it was completely necessary for the task. We didn't want anyone to associate us with something. Carl could always come across us somewhere, which would mean either a complete failure of this trip or a huge confusion or even a shootout in the middle of the street. For security reasons, we were rather dealing with second order needs in the city next door or at its other end at a safe distance from the bar.

I didn't ask where we were going this time. Mark seemed to know Norfolk much better than I did, as if it wasn't the first time he'd been here. I also didn't feel the need to be a guide or decision maker. I sat quietly in seat, watching the road and roadside shops or houses. From time to time I also looked furtively at Minhyung. I saw his frown as he wondered if he was wrong. He always placed his body lightly on the steering wheel and looked sideways, curving lips into a horseshoe. When he felt more confident leading, he sat comfortably in the seat, slightly leading us only in the known direction. Then I moved my attention to his hands. I couldn't explain the thoughts that hit my head because they were so different at times sometimes. I often wondered how many people were killed by these hands, just to quell a desire to be touched by them a few hours later.

Mark parked the car outside a local bistro, which, if you could trust the sign, was selling what Americans were famous for - fries, steaks and coffee. The building gave a rather pleasant impression. It wasn't too big but it also didn't seem claustrophobic. It just looked like a regular bistro, which was often placed at gas stations or motels.

"It's probably the first thing that came to my mind today," he said as we walked to the entrance.

"Do you know this place?" I asked, stepping slowly behind him.

"Mhm," he murmured reluctantly. "I've been here once or twice. They have good food," cut the topic. I didn't penetrate. We sat in the corner by the window, so as not to close ourselves completely to the world, as we have recently used to do. We always sat in the farthest corners of the room. We didn't hide. It just came out like that. We preferred not to be obvious from stupid habit. "What do you want?" he asked after a moment, watching me carefully.

"I have no idea," shrugged. "Will rely on you today," I added with an uncertain smile.

"Okay," he sighed, walking away from our table. When one of the employees received the order, I only heard "Twice today's. Let one be without olives. "

I looked out the window at the dead street. I came to the conclusion that I could probably live here. Away from the hustle and bustle of New York. But dynamism also had a certain charm. It symbolized life, devouring our time at an alarming rate. In the countryside everything slowed down. The days became longer and the nights provided better rest. Man didn't feel the pressure that he wouldn't make it somewhere, would fail to do something, would forget about someone. This life just seemed easier.

Minhyung sat down silently in front of me and for a long time didn't say a thing. I accepted it, plunging into silence and my own thoughts. The peace between us was quite natural, I didn't feel awkward. Lee often had moments in which he ran deep into himself for a long time. He thought a lot, putting on a grim expression on face. I didn't ask what exactly he was thinking because there was no indication that is was pleasant. And we avoided painful subjects. I didn't know if this was a good way to build any relationship but it wasn't the right stage to make a similar decision.

"What about your school?" he finally asked when the waitress brought us our meals.

"No olives?" she asked in an exaggerated, artificial voice that was supposed to seem incredibly sympathetic to the client and in fact made him feel like a handicapped child being served in this way.

"There," Mark murmured, knocking on the counter in front of my nose.

"Thank you," I smiled politely, waiting for the girl to leave to answer Mark's question. "Good" after a while I referred to the topic of the school. "Steven helps me a lot so that I can be there as often as possible."

"And now what?" he thought, meaning that we had been here for so long.

"Now I'm on sick leave, so I have an excuse," I explained to him, looking closely at the pasta on my plate. I've always had a strange idea of Marco then. And racist tendencies didn't dictate it. It was just the way it was. "Well and if I end up being sick, I still have some hours of absence to use."

"Where did you get your sick leave?" he was surprised, watching me with admiration as if I was at least running an illegal underground with prescriptions. I, in turn, smiled uncertainly, shrugging. I didn't think he would be that inquisitive and I've never been good at lying to Minhyung. It was so unusual. Everything looked different with him. I started rummaging with a fork in food, trying to find an excuse to change the subject but I couldn't think of anything. An uncomfortable truth has been left.

"Seth's mother works in the hospital," I muttered, feeling the awkwardness of it all. For now, we have lived our lives and raised the topics of our everyday lives. We didn't have the courage to go back to the past.

"Oh," Minhyung grunted in response, taking on a stony expression on face and I felt stupid for not even trying to lie to him. If Steven was at least a bit right in his revolutionary assumptions and Mark cared about me at least half as I cared about him, then it would be good to put Seth in an envelope with the _taboo_ inscription and never let him leave it. "You're together?" he finally asked after a long moment and his voice suggested that if the answer was _yes_ , he would beat me here to death and left to bleed.

"What do you think?" I sighed heavily, looking at him in disbelief. Did he really think that I would allow myself to occasionally flirt with him while still in a relationship?

"What I think and what I hope for are two different things," he replied bitterly, putting the fork on the plate with a quiet tap. He sighed heavily, looking out the window at the street. I bit my lip, looking uncertainly at his hand clenched into a fist.

"What are you hoping for then?" I asked in a whisper, gently sliding my fingertip over his white-knuckled palm. Minhyung looked at me with disarming powerlessness. We just had the opportunity to explain even a little bit of what we actually want from each other. I didn't even care about the right mood for this conversation. We could do it now in this weird roadside bar. Everything to know at least a little bit if I have what to hope for.

"You know for what...," he muttered shyly, placing hand loosely on the table, upside down. I smiled to myself, seeing him with such a charmingly lost and defenseless face for the first time. I slowly moved my index finger thoughtfully over the inner line of the boy's hand.

"What I know and what would like to hear are two different things," I bit out using the same tactics. Minhyung snorted in disbelief, grabbing my whole hand with a neat motion, then closed it between both his and leaned over the table. I raised eyebrows provocatively when our eyes met. Just because I let him think I was weaker didn't mean that I would also sing him love songs over the noodles and he would still be a cool asshole.

"I see your tongue sharpened," he whispered with a smile, looking at me so intensely that it took breath away. Jerk.

"I've always had one," I said teasingly, biting lower lip involuntarily.

"Perhaps," he smiled derisively, moving eyebrows in a censurable way. "I don't remember it that vividly anymore," he added brazenly, nudging me slightly with knee under the table.

"Oh god, just fucking eat what you have on a plate," I murmured indistinctly, snatching a hand from grip. I stared at the food in embarrassment, while Minhyung couldn't stop laughing at me. 

Not an ounce of romantic in him.

Fucking pervert.

♥

**[minhyung]**

As soon as we parked in a dark alley, I immediately unfastened my belt, grasping the door handle. I wanted to get it over with quickly.

"Stay in the car," I told Hyuck, opening the door.

"Because?" he asked dismissively, looking at me in disbelief. He sounded like a child that a parent leaves in a car, going to a toy store on his own. The actual comparison proved to be extremely sweetening.

"Caaaausee" I said with a sneer, eyeing crossed arms over his chest in protest. "Because it's probably not super safe there," I finished, slamming the door behind me. I didn't want to argue with him and convince of my point. Putting the boy before a fait accompli cut off the argument. The fact that mine always had to be on top was not so easy to eradicate.

Since I spent more time with Donghyuck, my mental condition has slightly improved. Sometimes I still had unpleasant nightmares but they didn't show up every night. My heart was definitely more light; I was regaining my old confidence and simply felt better in the world.

Last week I could describe as significant for my relationship with brunet. Maybe I didn't have him physically but this spiritual aspect of the relationship was just as pleasant. You could say that I was even a bit afraid of this body contact, so I tried to avoid being too close to him. I clearly gave boy a free hand to enter into any sexual contact with me. I waited patiently for Hyuck to choose the right moment. I never wanted to hurt him again. I deeply believed that I ended up taking by force that didn't have any positive consequences. With the passing days it was getting harder and harder to bear this strange tension that was accumulating in me. Sometimes we both behaved as if we wanted to pounce and shut ourselves in the bedroom but then Donghyuck suddenly distanced himself strangely, as if he wasn't sure he could trust me completely.

I understood that.

Looking back, I wasn't sure if I would like to look at myself in his place at all.

♥

**[donghyuck]**

I smoked a cigarette calmly, looking carefully around to see if anyone was coming. I've had some sort of stalking mania for as long as I could remember. I constantly felt the presence of another person, constantly looking back even on an empty road. I tried to avoid night buses, I always chose crowded roads even at the price of extending the time of being at home. Simply, in the world I was terribly afraid of experiencing any bodily harm from other people. I was thinking about all the slashes I had from home, training or from the woods... I just didn't want a single scar anymore.

Shame.

This is what I always felt when I was earlier proposed to go to the beach or swimming pool.

Just a shame.

Shame as a reaction to the ugly body in which I had to function in this world somehow.

When men were all over the water in summer without shirts, women in bikinis...

When in the city people were wearing shirts and short tops...

When they all proudly or with just a slight uncertainty manifested their own corporeality, I hid it under blouses or t-shirts with medium sleeves.

Always aware of all these scars, all these scratches literally on every patch of skin that burned constantly without letting you forget about your existence.

"You were supposed to sit in the car," I heard behind me, shuddering automatically. The rest of the cigarette flew from my fingers straight into the puddle and I just sighed irritably, wanting to calm my silly heart. Fucking Minhyung. How did it happen that I was able to space out so much that I was letting him get in from behind? I was a little angry at myself for that.

"I just wanted to smoke," I said reluctantly, sourly. Mark, however, surprised me pleasantly, handing his pack. "What did you find out?" I asked, pulling out a cigarette. The boy shrugged, reaching out to me with lighter. I smiled to myself, noting that it was the same one I once gave him on the beach. It wasn't a nice memory. However, in its own way, it taught me distance to certain matters over time. Lee noticed that too. When the flame appeared just under my nose, I made eye contact with the black-haired, who immediately broke off, sliding away against the wall. It was simply our common, not very happy past, which we both wanted to forget.

"I saw him," he answered after a long silence. "It's so weird..." he whispered.

"What?" I asked, trying to pick out the features of his face from the shadows.

"Seeing Carl after such a time," he replied calmly, thinking. "He's changed tremendously," he continued after a few moments. "He used to take care of himself. This constant escape from Marco made him a rag," he remarked almost sadly. It must have been a strange feeling - chasing someone you've worked with. I wondered if Mark was working hard on this whole thing. Bring a former friend to death... It had to be messy. It was Mark after all. A little changed but still Mark. I couldn't be sure that all his violent reflexes were completely suppressed. "Catching him here won't be difficult at all," he sighed immediately as if the weight of thoughts a second ago had completely left his arms. "Crowded, sultry, ordinary pit."

"Are we coming home then?" I asked, throwing the cigarette butt to the ground. After a while, however, a wave of subtle awkwardness flooded me. In current conditions and our personal relationship, the word _home_ sounded a bit strange. "I meant..." I murmured, pulling the sleeves of my sweatshirt over hands.

"I meant - yes," he laughed in response, coming closer. I looked uncertainly as he leaned over, greatly reducing my ability to draw air from the atmosphere. The boy, however, simply grabbed the door handle opening the car door for me. I swallowed hardly discreetly, looking into his eyes. I hated these spontaneously initiated moments of intimacy. Every time I felt like my heart was leaping from chest. In the past, our relationship was based solely on sex. We didn't have another one. We already knew how our lips taste and how our bodies fit together. These visions and information certainly didn't sit only in the recesses of my head. We shared it together, which made it all the more difficult. "What kind of shit is that," Lee suddenly laughed, licking lips. He turned head the other way, taking hand from the door handle. "Get in" he sighed, walking reluctantly to the other side of the car. When the warmth of his body so suddenly left me with the magnetism of his eyes, I quickly put my ass in the seat because I wasn't sure how long my legs could keep me upright. It all grew heavier with each passing day.

At the beginning we didn't talk much. I could even say that our exchange consisted of _hello_ in the morning and _good night_ in the evening. More complex messages began to fall between us when Minhyung noticed that I was picking olives from ready meals. He asked why I didn't like them and then took them from my plate to his own. We started a long conversation about food and other minor shit, finishing breakfast around noon.

It seems to both of us that this incident made us realize that we had never talked to each other before. Casual questions and official answers or throwing yourself at the walls and fucking wherever you're at, rather nobody would consider proper communication. This discovery was very tragic in its own way. It shouldn't be like that. It was hard to forget what was between us and it is harder to build something new, by definition more innocent and thoughtful, since that was dirty and spontaneous. Before that, we based everything on the foundation of our sexuality. Now it gave us a hard time.

We went home quietly. Minhyung tapped the steering wheel nervously, clenching mouth, and I began to stick the nails of one hand into the other's thumb for a change. We both definitely felt awkward at the time. The tension hung in the air and seemed to be only a matter of time until it finally found its outlet.

To divert my attention from all these unnecessary thoughts, I began to wonder what was going on with my mother. I haven't seen her for almost a month but every time we wrote, she assured to be fine and that the confectioner's owner helped her with everything. I missed home a little but I was relieved that I could leave at least this one worry behind. Mom seemed to be slowly finding herself in society. She was still quite young and beautiful despite her disability. She spent a lot of time with Minhyung's mother recently because they both probably felt that the neighborhood was obliging. They had a lot of free time at home because Jeno moved out of his family home in April and I wasn't a frequent visitor at home either. I was also positively surprised by the fact that the owner of the confectionery eagerly undertook to help my mother in her daily duties, which, however, required a bit of male strength. I enjoyed watching how she finally learned complete independence after a period of shock and isolation.

"What's up?" Mark asked suddenly, tearing me out of my thoughts.

"I like driving a car at night," I said thoughtlessly, making the boy laugh. On the other hand... what was I supposed to answer to such a stupid question?

"That's cool," he said with a smile, without even trying to hide his gaiety. I rolled eyes.

"It's extremely calming," I added to defense.

"Okay" he nodded approvingly as if I were saying something really revealing and wise.

"Oh, piss off," I murmured, giving him another reason to mock.

We rode calmly through the fields, regardless of the lack of lighting on the road. Everything outside the window seemed to blend into a homogeneous mass. Minhyung was in his car, so I didn't care that he was going much above the speed limit. Steven rarely used a car from Marco. He believed that his private masked better in the environment. After all, when he was speeding along a street full of unexpected hollows in the asphalt, I had a strong foundation to create fear for my own life.

Mark always parked behind the house, as if he was afraid that anyone would rob him from this crap. The only downside to this situation was the fact that you always had to go around then to get inside from the front. When the boy stopped the engine, there was dead silence in the car.

"Don't you get off?" I asked uncertainly.

"And you?" asked, looking into my eyes. I swallowed hard. Oh no, no, no... I opened mouth slightly, discreetly releasing the excess air accumulated in my lungs. Finally I looked down, smiling awkwardly.

"Okay, then I'll get off first," I whispered, unfastening the belt. I wondered why the hell he couldn't take the first step. I saw that he wanted and I myself didn't hide somehow my feelings.

It wasn't until both my legs stood on the ground and the door slammed behind me that I realized why Lee was like that. Why is he still waiting and doing literally nothing to move our relationship forward. _I'll never touch you again if you don't want it, Hyuck_. That's exactly what he told me as soon as he arrived. I slapped forehead with open hand. I didn't think he would really do it. I thought he said it more symbolically to reconcile or break the ice.

"Shall we?" he sighed with dissatisfaction, standing in front of me. I looked at him in disbelief.

"You're so stupid," I said with disarming honesty.

"Excuse me?" he asked calmly but with a slight indignation. I smiled shyly at him, not quite believing in what I wanted to do.

"Kiss me," I whispered, completely confusing him. Myself too. But if thanks to this constant tensions were to stop us, I saw no other way.

"Hyuckie..." he muttered, looking away.

"Just do it," I laughed, jogging quickly in place for a few seconds. "I feel so stupid now, so I won't ask you again."

"You're fucked up," he smiled, shaking head sideways in bewilderment. Slowly, however, he killed any space between us and leaned over me, placing hands on the the car. "You were so straightforward that I feel awkward now," he joked, gently brushing my lips afterwards but he stopped there.

"Hm?" I murmured questioningly as he smiled, rubbing thumb over my cheek.

"Nothing," he whispered, gently touching my lips again. I slowly combed the boy's hair, laying hands on his neck. "Nothing," he repeated, fiercely bringing our lips together in a way that made me breathless.

Half a year.

Half a year I had to wait until he finally pressed me brutally to the car door and began to undress with only known to him delicate violence.

It took him half a year to come to me to take what had been waiting for him for a long time.

We needed half a year to understand our mistakes and take a completely different path.

Half a year.

I moaned less discreetly as Minhyung's thigh slipped between my legs. The boy's lips suppressed everything, however. Our tongues fiercely danced some passionate choreography, not quite sure how to convey what was guiding them. We were thirsty for each other. Thirsty to the point that swollen and crushed lips no longer counted. Constant puffing only turned us on, leading almost to breathlessness. But we kissed on, having no idea what to do with our hands. The backyard behind the house was rather inadequate for having sex after such a long time. Besides, we both felt that this time it would be appropriate to do it for the first time normally. On the other hand, we've been waiting too long to get separated just like that.

I clenched fingers tightly on the boy's hair, when he decided to split our lips for a second to take a breath. Lee laughed charmingly, breathing slightly spasmodically. However, I wasn't better at all. My lungs were bursting almost as if I had just run at least the length of the marathon. I put hand slowly on Minhyung's chest, feeling his heart beating fast. I tilted body back, looking at the starry sky.

I felt dizzy.

I think it was happiness.

In the bedroom, the world seemed to stop for us.

Time slowed down.

The movements became more touch-focused than fleeting rubbing.

Mark pushed me slowly against the wall but he didn't pull lips away from my neck. He became very gentle now, as if didn't want to damage me in any way.

As if I was from porcelain.

I sighed quietly when the boy's cold nose slightly moved along the line of my jaw. The temperature dissonance only intensified the shivering in body. I pulled Mark by chin back to my lips, feeling uncomfortable with being separated for so long. I slowly got under his sweatshirt with hands, sliding it off shoulders. The boy smiled subtly, throwing it to the ground just below our feet. But when his own fingers undid the button on my pants, a sudden panic arose in me. I let it slide down slowly but in my head appeared the thought that the top would be next. And I didn't want to take it off. Mark seemed to sense my slight hesitation because he didn't go further than that.

"You're afraid?" he asked in a whisper. I didn't answer him. It wasn't fear. It was something else that I couldn't describe exactly. As if shame. Shame about seeing my body. "I won't hurt you," he assured.

"I know," I answered uncertainly. "That's not it," I ensured him, looking down.

"Then what?" he whispered, kissing my cheek. I grabbed the edge of shirt hard, fighting myself. Mark looked down, slowly grabbing that fist. He moved my hands to his blouse, thereby getting rid of it from his body. "Don't worry about it," said. "I know everything," added quietly. I looked at him uncertainly, wondering if we were definitely talking about the same. He had no right to know. "You're beautiful to me anyway," murmured, stripping naked as if it would give me a bit of courage.

I held breath. It occurred to me that I had never actually seen Minhyung without all clothes. His skin was strangly white in this light to the point that he seemed to brighten the room further. He didn't have a particularly athletic physique, I'd rather say he wasn't eating well in Edmonton.

I looked uncertainly at Mark, feeling that the whole mood of cheerful excitement that accompanied us a second ago was sitting down because of my fault. I've never had similar problems with Seth. The blond from the very beginning knew everything, so sometimes I forgot about it. It was different with Lee.

I leaned cautiously toward Hyung, uncertainly wrapping arms around his neck. I wasn't entirely sure. I just wanted to be with him today, give myself up to him, spend the night with him. If it was to be a wrong decision, it wouldn't be the first in my life that I made lightly. That's why I gently put my lips around Mark's thinking that what is going to happen today just will happen. I put everything on one card.

Black-haired got to the point very quickly, feeling that he gets the green light from me. He skillfully kissed all doubts from my slightly uncertain lips, restoring the lost heat again. He tried to tame his own impulsivity, for which I was extremely grateful. I knew that the boy rather never belonged to the patient, so I also appreciated this innocent gesture.

In the end, Minhyung gripped my hips tightly, turning with agile pirouette back from the wall toward the bed. With one hand he quickly got rid of my blouse, throwing it somewhere in the corner. Suddenly I felt a chill but this impression didn't last long. I was pushed hard onto the mattress and in a flash Lee covered me with his body, making feel safe again. The boy's hands slowly wandered on my skin, getting to know all the corners for the first time. He didn't seem to notice the many protuberances he constantly encountered with his fingertips. He didn't pay them much attention, as if he considered them the natural curves of the skin. Mark ran hands gently down my body line, finally spreading legs slightly invasively to the side.

I let out a loud sigh from between lips, diging fingernails in his back painfully. Minhyung, however, didn't seem to mind at all because calmly continued to shower my chest with kisses. When Mark entered me, he held mouth right next to my ear, not hiding completely with any sounds that came from throat. I clenched hands tightly on the bedclothes, gasping for air. I moaned loudly when Lee slid out of me a little and then plunged to the very end. I tilted head back, closing eyelids. There was no room for anything constructive in my mind. A tangle of broken sentences and unspecified desires completely suppressed common sense. Mark gripped my hand tightly, lacing our fingers together. His other hand was almost painfully tight on my hip, while I tucked mine in his hair. I felt boy clearly, unable to focus on anything but breathing.

Mark's energetic movements went hand in hand with ardent kisses on every scrap of my body.

His moaning went hand in hand with my panting and spontaneous shouts of pleasure.

In the end I managed to find the lips of a boy who for a split second made eye contact with me, smiling gently under breath. Moments later, he buried face in my neck, speeding up hips.

As time went by, each of my moans seemed to be louder than the previous one and the closeness of the room more and more unbearable. But when Minhyung finally made that final hip move, I arched my body, opening mouth wide but no sound came out. I tightened fingers on Lee's neck just to feel the weight of his body falling on mine after a few seconds.

We slowly dived into a soft mattress, breathing quickly and unevenly. My legs refused to obey the previous position, slowly sliding off the boy's hips. Minhyung with the rest of his strength managed to turn sideways so that we both now lay across the bed completely naked but in our own way - happy. I put hand gently on Minhyung's cheek, which he took with a slight smile, immediately covering with own. Boy ran thumb over the skin of my hand a few times, rising on elbow after a while. An indefinite smile crept over the Mark's lips. I saw that he wanted to say something but finally gave up so that he could kiss my lips first. By no means did I protest when he lay down on me again, finally placing himself between my thighs. I crossed ankles on boy's lower back.

I looked at the ceiling, wondering if I should say something or sit still? I didn't know at all.

What did all of this mean to us now?

How did we define it with this sex?

Have we defined it at all...

The treetops lay a shadow on the white paint above us, dancing thanks to the moonlight coming through the window. Minghyung slowly touched my body, drawing only known to him patterns with fingers on the skin of my stomach. As if I were a human canvas and he was an artist who used just mental projection to create an art. I sighed quietly as he ran cool nose up, leaving a gentle kiss over my navel.

We were surrounded by lazy peace.

As if time stood still.

As if there were nothing except the two of us.

"It's interesting to have you in bed," Mark said suddenly, as usual, showing me directness. Even if he was a brilliant lover, genius didn't usually appear in statements. "So completely normal..."

"What?" I asked incredulously.

"Well, you won't deny it," he muttered uncertainly, showing that it wasn't some stupid joke but real, serious thoughts. Apparently, when he was bringing some serious messages, he did it anyway in an inept way. This man was completely unable to talk about feelings. I sighed quietly, nodding. We looked at each other for a moment in a deep, pleasant silence.

"I won't deny," I whispered finally, brushing his hair slowly. In the end, however, my hand dropped helplessly on Hyung's shoulder and unfortunately it was already there when I felt something under my fingers that I would never expect to find there. I frowned, slowly touching with my index finger an area of strange unevenness. One, two, three... I looked at Minhyung surprised but the boy just laughed dismissively, as if was amused by the naivety of my surprise,

"Do you think Marco's love is nothing but profits and a life of prosperity?" he asked in a stage whisper as I got up on elbows to see him better.

"What did he do to you?" I was terrified because one of my theories shattered to the ground. Even Minhyung was apparently not safe in this whole swamp.

"Well, he shot me," the black-haired started to laugh, as if underestimating the problem was able to dispose of me. His hands began to slowly slide from my hips towards back. I grabbed Minhyung quickly by the wrists. The boy sighed heavily, looking at me eloquently.

"Three times?" I was surprised, nevertheless, to conclude that Perez's human biology was developed to perfection. He fired shots exactly where they couldn't hurt Minhyung very much. Even pissed off, he kept perfect isolation of movements.

"He was upset," Mark shrugged in response, biting lower lip thoughtfully. I was glad that he didn't raise the subject of my intervention in his desire to continue exploring my body with hands. "Daily Marco," he added, as if Perez's character justified everything he had done.

"What have you done?" I asked, actually wondering where our boss's anger bounds lie.

"I told him he was a horrible dick," muttered with hands calmly returning to hips. I raised eyebrows in surprise. We talked about Mark Lee, the golden child of the Italian Perez's mafia. Simply calling him a dick didn't result in three gunshot wounds on the shoulder. "And that he must be weak in bed, since Isabelle came three times and said it was the most orgasmic experience she had in a row," finally added shyly, staring at my chest. After a moment of surprise, I laughed. Well, after all - men and their ambition to be a sexual alpha male of the universe.

"You're crazy," I shook head, knocking him lightly on the forehead with a bent finger.

"Perhaps" he smiled under breath, kissing me in the abdomen with a loud click. I shrunk legs as he slid off the bed, leaving a cold space between my thighs. "I'll be right back," he announced, leaving the bed mattress. Without any embarrassment, he turned to me with bare butt and disappeared into the toilet after a while.

I took a deep breath, covering eyes with hand. I wiped eyelid fatigue, slamming open hands against the sheets. I laughed under breath, not quite believing in what had happened today, although from the beginning it seemed only a matter of time. I wondered why I had had such a panic earlier. You can't have sex in a straitjacket.

I sat down slowly on the mattress, glancing uncertainly towards the light that was escaping from under the door into the corridor. Our relationship seemed strangely normal and natural now. It was even difficult for me to describe it through this apparent ordinariness. I was wondering how to transfer it to our present life. Here in Norfolk, we had quite different rules than in New York. I wasn't entirely sure if it made sense to discuss this problem at all... This matter could wait.

When the sound of flushing the toilet came to me, I sat back slowly to the room entrance. I pulled legs under chest, resting chin on knees. And so I was completely naked - what this little difference actually changed in our relationship. Rather not the first and not the last time we have probably exceeded the limits of intimacy. This small blockade was only in me. I had a problem with me, not Minhyung.

He stood behind me for a moment without saying a word. After all, it is rather unusual to see a pretty damaged body of another person. In a way, I was really trying to understand that.

"Why didn't you kill him right away when he touched you?" he asked quite freely after a few minutes of dead silence. I felt the mattress bend under the weight of his body. The boy sat down slowly behind, placing his hand on my shoulder.

"It's not that simple," I said in a whisper as Mark ran his finger along my spine. A long silence fell between us. I closed eyelids, focusing on the sensations received from the body. Minhyung slowly touched the scratches on my skin, not commenting on a single word as he watched back in silence, as if he were learning every scar by heart. As if he were drawing something again.

"Why not," he finally said. "You take a bastard by the head..." he whispered, sinking fingers into my hair and pulling them backwards. "And you blow it at the edge of the table," he kissed my neck gently. I lost balance and fell on his chest. I smiled under breath, cuddling nose into his shoulder. "I would do that."

There was a loose thought in my head that I wouldn't hesitate even a second now. But then I wasn't in the basement and I didn't know what it meant to kill a man. It just used to be different.

"How did you know?" I asked quietly, referring to an earlier conversation against the wall.

"Hmm..." he muttered indistinctly, stopping thumb near the right shoulder blade. "Do you remember when we used to go to such a strange meeting and a car got fucked up in the middle of the field?"

"Downpour caught us" confirmed, recalling images from this nightmarish day. I honestly hated the rain. When it rained, there wasn't even an option for me to leave the house and then we were both completely wet.

"We were running to the car..." he muttered slowly, giving me a lazy kiss on the back of neck. "Your shirt soaked," said calmly, falling into a slightly melancholic note. "I remember thinking then... that I came across a small, innocent angel," he laughed softly without a hint of gaiety. "An angel who just fell too many times," he whispered, resting forehead on my shoulder. I closed eyelids tightly, holding breath for a moment. "I knew all this for a long time, Hyuckie. It doesn't change anything at all."


	31. Diaries of the past: empty promises

**[1 year earlier]**

**[minhyung]**

"Minhyung, I see what's going on," a psychiatrist told me at an individual meeting in her office. "Your simulation is pointless," she shook head sideways. "You're getting better, so we'll be discussing your discharge in the days," she decided, letting me know that I had nothing to say. They consider me cured, although I don't feel any difference. They discharge me, although I still don't feel anything.

Walking with the nurse down the corridor, I began to wonder if there is anything else I can do. If I killed her, the difference would be to get a transfer to prison for the mentally ill. That's out. It seemed to me that I had done everything in my power over the last weeks. The options simply ran out.

I leaned shoulder against the wall, watching the woman clumsy with the key at the lock. She was new and definitely too stressed. During our three-minute walk, she made a lot of mistakes that someone who was really mentally ill would have used againt her a long time ago. When she finally opened the door, stopped without saying a word.

"Dear Lord," whispered finally, taking a step back, then started running towards the direction we came from. I looked after her with a sour expression, as if she qualified to swap places with me and started going toward the entrance. Very quickly, however, I stood in the doorway, looking empty into the space.

Through the eyes of the nurse I saw a hanging patient, completely separating myself from the thought that this patient was my roommate and lover for so long.

I was looking at the young boy with a mask on face, who was hanging on a window grille with a sheet around neck.

I was looking and before my empty eyes were passing all the signals that suggested that this day might come.

Luke's behavior, his words, attitude, change of mood.

I could have foreseen it but I didn't.

I didn't want to do that.

I snorted under breath, smiling slightly.

Empty promises.

As always.

_"I won't leave you."_

_"You won't have a choice."_

Immediately I felt weak and whole world dropped out from under me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> that was the last diary of the past :)


	32. Rain sickness

**[may 2020]**

**[minhyung]**   
  


When I opened eyes, there was opaque darkness around me. This room itself was already dark enough and the north-facing windows didn't help at all. Only the whiteness of the bedclothes seemed to light up my nearest space.

Donghyuck lay with back to me almost on the edge of the mattress. Even in this complete lack of light, I was able to see his scratches that were smiling ominously at me with their jagged edges. I would be lying if my lips left the statement that such a view didn't cause any emotions. My heart was still filled with bitterness and disbelief. I didn't understand how someone could beat to a pulp such an innocent kid like Lee to the point of leaving similarly lasting marks on his body. I couldn't resist the temptation to once again trace the run of the largest and longest of the scars, which stretched from the shoulder of the brunet to the opposite hip. Its size puzzled me. It certainly wasn't the effect of hitting a belt or even a cable. Behind this band of pink skin was a much darker secret than I'd probably expected. Asking for it directly would be wrong, so I suspected it would be one of those things that would remain unexplained between us forever.

I sighed in resignation, brushing lightly through Hyuck's hair, who only sighed in response, wrapping the duvet tightly. He was still as vulnerable. This one thing has certainly not changed.

I got up slowly from the bed and picked up trousers the quietest I could. I didn't want to wake Haechan. Especially since we had the middle of the night. I dug a packet of cigarettes and a lighter out of pocket. I felt strangely restless in my own way. A disturbing closeness hung in the air. Some strange aura that moved the heart in an unpleasant way. I carefully opened the window before leaving the room.

When I set feet on the porch boards, I was immediately surrounded by a cool wind. This was obviously not a frosty breeze, which heralds the winter but rather a gust of moderate cold combined with the spirit of the approaching storm. The treetops of a nearby forest swayed slowly sideways, scowling menacingly, as if to scare everything around them. I didn't know if my mood was the result of the approaching strange atmospheric front or whether this weather almost as a mental landscape became its strange excuse.

I had Hyuck at my fingertips. He was actually mine, undeniably connected to me. I wanted this relationship at a distance but when I confronted these desires with reality, I was overcome by a chilling cold and fear. It was emotional fear. I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to function normally in this relationship.

For as long as I can remember I have had huge problems displaying any positive feelings. This was associated with difficulties in feeling them at all. I was told that once...

That I can't...

That I can't love.

I didn't know love. I was unfamiliar with its definition because apparently everyone perceives it differently, for everyone it manifests itself in a different way and everyone is accompanied by different feelings. If love is a phenomenon with such a subjective nature, I didn't have a chance to educate it. I missed the basics of any positive emotions. As in mathematics - no one is able to solve a complicated operation without knowing the procedures of adding or multiplying. And I definitely didn't know how to add in life.

I burned a cigarette quickly, stubbing it on a wooden porch beam. I stepped inside, closing the door behind. However, when the darkness of the bedroom veiled me again, I discovered that the room's closeness didn't seem to escape through the open window. It was still stuffy in the air

Donghyuck changed position, now lying slightly curled up partly on my half. I smiled to myself because he looked incredibly innocent while he was sleeping. I slipped back under the quilt, immediately covering the boy who, sensing second body, instinctively clung to me. He was warm and his weight seemed surprisingly pleasant. I liked the nearness of brunet, feeling much lighter and better when he was just nearby. His smile lit up even a cloudy day and silly jokes automatically bettered the mood.

It all seemed to be a definition of love. However, I still wasn't sure about anything. This positive feeling was a bit vague for me. I think I needed time to crystallize it in any way.  
  


♥

**[donghyuck]**   
  


In the morning, the sound of a loud wind pounding against the windows roused me from sleep. Initially, I tried to ignore it, completely melting in the warmth that Minhyung's arm provided me. In the long run, however, the noise became unbearable, preventing me from falling asleep again. I slipped slowly from the boy's embrace, being careful not to wake him up. I walked slowly to the open window and closed it immediately, cutting off the chill air to slip into our bedroom. I immediately took the sweatshirt and loose pants out of the bag because the day apparently was going to be a nightmare from the very beginning. It promised to be exactly what I hated the most - rainy.

I glanced at Mark - asleep, noticing ironically that at least this time he hadn't melted in the air as always. It was actually the first time, as we didn't leave each other in disgust; each of us didn't walk in own way. Did he always turn his back or did I run away, slamming the door - it didn't seem to matter much today. I slowly ran fingers through hair, twirling it in disbelief. Abstract, but incredibly nice. I left the room quietly, closing the door carefully behind me. However, when I found myself in the kitchen, I was immediately greeted by the sight of large raindrops on the glass, which was trying to let in at least some light inside.

I winced.

Warming up the water for coffee, I realized how quiet it is in this house at dawn. The only sounds that have interrupted this stillness have been the creaks and clanking of old furniture and the floor. These were the only sad noises that indicated that the apartment was alive in any way.

When I sat down with a steaming mug on the sofa in front of the turned off TV, I immediately remembered all my sad and quiet childhood. The house always seemed to be abandoned. No sounds reflected from the walls. I was struck by real images of fear and this frequent reflection on how to avoid danger from my own father. Escaping into the arms of his mother, who was equally depressed by him, was pointless. I was very lonely, learning to function and overcome every passing day in this loneliness. I didn't feel bad with it today. It clung to me like an old, good friend who swore a blood vow that he wouldn't leave me until I died. We were well together in a peculiar way.

Sometimes I would think back to those days when it was raining. We all sat in closed rooms and listened to the steps. We asked ourselves, _is it today? is it now?_ The specific creak of stairs leading up usually settled everything. My father never appeared in my room upstairs, he never even looked at this floor. Unless it was bad weather and he was grounded in the four walls of his home. At that time, the safe floor always became the most dangerous place. It was very easy to be thrown down stairs, for example...

"When did you get up?" I heard Minhyung's stupid with sleep voice and a second later I felt a heavy, fluffy blanket fall from above my shoulders. I accepted it gratefully.

"Pretty recently," I admitted, looking calmly as Lee walked around the couch, sitting down next to my feet.

"What an awful day promises to be," he added after a moment of silence, picking up the TV remote control. I didn't answer him anything. All forces responsible for my speech apparatus have magically disappeared somewhere. I was really helpless against the rain. Conditioned on weakness.

When the screen flashed with vivid colors, I narrowed eyes slightly, unable to get used to this sudden change immediately. I saw a plastic blonde standing with a yellow board on which some random letters were written. Thanks to Minhyung I've already got to know all this morning game shows block. Black-haired didn't seem to watch anything else, if he turned on the television at all. People called the program, saying words made up of mess. Then the girl accepted them or not. Comments like _you have nice boobs_ , or _you are a sweetie_ , she got rid of with smile number seven, that spoke - _I would say you to fuck yourselves, old perverts, but I'm on vision hehehe_. I didn't understand why Mark was watching it at all but he must have seen something in it that I didn't see.

"Something happened?" he asked suddenly when the commercial break had started. I looked at him uncertainly, shaking head reluctantly. When he looked at me a bit suspiciously, I moved closer, cuddling his chest. "What's that face?" sighed, putting arm around me.

"I just honestly hate this kind of weather," I whispered weakly, closing eyelids. In fact, I was still terribly tired. "I'm completely flaky and useless then," I added, sighing softly. I slowly put feet under Mark's thighs. Deadly cold digested me from the inside, though objectively it wasn't that cold. I just couldn't handle it all. I couldn't cope with all these memories related to such weather. Unfortunately, my father was not the only reason. "Do we have to go there today?" I murmured softly into boy's sleeve, immediately shivering at the thought of sitting a few hours in the car under the bar and especially - in the rain. I felt strangely tearful from Minhyung's body heat. This was probably due to a sense of security. When I didn't have to be strong and multi-tasking at all costs, emotional mistuning attacked me and made me a shaky crybaby. I rarely allowed myself to do it but when this type of mood hit me, it went all the way and didn't take prisoners. I became a wreck.

"For me there is no need to leave the house in this weather at all," he replied calmly, brushing my hair with slow, mechanical movements. I was very grateful for that. Maybe he didn't know that but I wouldn't go anywhere from this couch anyway. It was like a depressive episode in bipolar disorder. It couldn't be gently ignored.

"That's good," I whispered sluggishly, drifting slowly into the world of dreams. It seemed as if the calm and steady sound of Minhyung's heartbeat was only walking me towards it.  
  


♥

**[minhyung]**   
  


I walked slowly into the quiet home, glad that the weather decided to destroy our mood only in the early morning. Donghyuck was completely dead because of the rain and I tried not to ask why. It would be nice to know but I took the correction that our acquaintanceship on normal soil is relatively short. I don't think it was fair to ask.

I set up shopping bags on the table, peering out of the corner of my eye into the bedroom. Hyuck was lying on the bed reading a book that looked like school coursebook. The sun was breaking through the thin white curtains. It changed the dynamics of the day completely. I approached the boy slowly, lying next to him on the back with a loud sigh. Donghyuck put hand on my head, gently combing hair with fingers but he didn't even take eyes away from the rows of small letters.

"What is it?" I finally asked after a long moment watching his face. I took pleasure in the opportunity to try to remember it again so closely. It's like I got the second chance.

"Geography," he murmured. "I have a test to make up for when we get back," he explained, finally looking at me. When our eyes met, Donghyuck smiled sadly, sliding my hair with finger to the side from forehead. "I don't want to return either," whispered finally. "But we have to."

"I know," I answered equally quietly, wondering how he knew what I wanted, just looking into my eyes, since even I don't know it to the end. I grabbed him gently by the neck, pulling into a kiss.

In a strange way, I felt like I was running out of time.

As if the oddly beautiful dream was to end with the departure from Norfolk and our paths would have to diverge.

As if outside of Norfolk, we were to be gone.

"What about my education, Mr. Lee?" the boy asked coquettishly, sitting astride me.

"Sex education?" I made sure of the item currently in force. In the end we were in the bedroom. "Don't worry, I'll provide it to you," I murmured, slipping hands under the boy's blouse.

"Home teaching on a live model?" he laughed. "How practical," he sighed extensively, getting into my pants. I knocked him over quickly, dropping the book on the floor. Hyuck was a unbelievable seducer and he was probably well aware of that. He always knew how to lead conversation and relationship so that it would be interesting; that a fire would start between us. If to think about it for a long time, he has always achieved exactly what he wanted in bed. But when I was about got rid of his pants from ass, the boy's phone went off, interrupting everything. "What again?" he groaned irritably, sliding from under me reluctantly. "Hope this motherfucker has a good reason to..." he started nervously but stopped halfway, glancing at the screen. He sighed quietly, getting out of bed. "Hi, what's up?" asked calmly as left the bedroom. When he closed the door behind, I just snorted in disbelief as I lay back on bed.

I could tell who was calling from a kilometer.

I stared at the ceiling, casually returning somehow to those times before leaving for Edmonton. While in Canada, I was wondering if if I had fought for him somehow, would there be a chance I would be able to close him in my own arms. I didn't know. I just gave up before anything even started and left him for mercy of other arms. 

When I thought about it, I was getting really angry.

I jumped out of bed, slowly opening the bedroom door. Hyuck stood with his back to me, leaning side against the kitchen counter and his head against a row of hanging cabinets. He crossed his bare legs awkwardly, put a foot on other foot and looked out the window, talking. At least this time he was wearing my sweatshirt and I couldn't stop the intrusive thought that whispered that I'd definitely prefer to see my own clothes on him than any other. Especially not Seth's.

"You made it up... it's impossible" laughed softly under breath. "You know how it is..." muttered after a moment. "I take care of myself well, really," assured and I slowly came from behind and stood there with crossed arms. "Mhm. Okay, bye," whispered, finishing the conversation. When he turned, we came face to face and the boy flinched, letting the phone out from the frightened hand. "Fuck, Mark," he cursed, taking a deep breath to calm down.

"Who was it?" I asked, ignoring current state caused by my sneaking.

"Stop it" sighed heavily, patting my stomach with the back of hand. He picked up the phone from floor slowly and placed it on the kitchen counter.

"I just asked," I said, trying to calm down. I hated being stalled. I was treated this way my whole life. I hated disregard.

"You always _just ask_ and you don't hear how much hidden grievances there is in your _just asking_ ," he said with a slight irritation, which in effect only fueled my own. Before I managed to control myself and realized what I was doing, I grabbed the boy by the jaw, lifting head up so that our eyes were focused only on each other.

Hyuck looked at me intensely, as if to tell me: Y _ou quickly came back to your old self, Minhyung. I see that you're quickly returning to same habits of solving problems by force_. In real answer, however, Donghyuck grabbed my hand gently but firmly pulling it away from his face and kissed it without breaking eye contact.

I knew I lost my temper.

That I had no right to behave like that yet.

That I didn't have that right at all.

In fact, we were still nothing. Some formation created from the gusts of the moment. The creation of a work trip. I didn't have this boy exclusively, although I wanted to have him in such a way. I wanted to tell him he was mine and reject every call that comes to him which I don't want. But I couldn't. I couldn't and it was so frustrating that I couldn't handle it in a healthy way. I was running into aggression again.

"You behave ridiculously," whispered calmly, a little cautiously, as if despite all previous declarations, he was still afraid of me. It wasn't pleasant. I didn't want it.

"Am I?" I sighed heavily, sliding hand over Hyuck's neck. I grabbed his nape, trying to calm that ridiculous side of my mind. The part that harms everyone, including me.

"You're not jealous of him, are you?" he asked gently with a tone suggesting that it was rather unreal and in life he wouldn't suspect me of jealousy but prefers to make sure. I rolled eyes, making a sour face. Fuck. I looked from Hyuck to the view outside the kitchen window. "Oh my god, you are," he laughed in disbelief, as if something absolutely impossible had just taken place.

"I am not" lied but the boy was sure of his statement. Hyuck approached me closer and gently kissed my jaw.

"You have nothing to be jealous about," he whispered.

"Oh, I don't?" I asked mockingly, slipping hand into his panties. Hyuck started laughing when I patted him gently on the ass. He bit lip and moved hand from his buttock to crotch.

"You don't" he sighed slowly, putting arms over my shoulders. I shook head in disbelief. He was really someone from different universe.

"Manipulator" summed up the whole situation in one word, kissing him aggressively. Hyuck smiled to himself, apparently with no problem calling him this way.

"Just really tiny one" he muttered childishly, softening me completely. I couldn't be angry with him. I didn't think I even had reason to be like that either. I was confused. I turned him nimbly forward to the counter and immediately took off his shorts. You could even say _the end of the game_ but all this apparently was gladdening Hyuck just too much.

"You brute!" he shouted with unflagging amusement as his chest collided with the wood. I shook head in disbelief.

"You gonna reap the rewards once, Lee," I promised, entering him with lips pressed to Hyuck's neck.

"Let it be sweet punishment from your hand then, my lord," panted before I began to take him.  
  


♥

**[donghyuck]**   
  


As soon as I got out of the shower, I immediately came across the mirror vision of Donghyuck. I slowly started to wipe my hair.

_Manipulator_.

Was I a manipulator?

Of course I was.

Everything I owned now is due to the dirty art of exquisite manipulation. I manipulated to live. However, it made me laugh that I heard it from Mark's lips, as he was the only one I never tried to manipulate. Thanks to Mark, I actually even managed to forget about what started this one great manipulation of the environment. With Mark, I didn't feel that I had to pretend or calculate anything. And I loved that feeling.

When I went out to hang a wet towel on the terrace, I saw Mark washing the car thoughtfully. He also has his world, his demons and his secrets. We both had it all. If something was to be between us deeper than just deep sex, I felt it would require a lot of work and a million confrontations. I sighed heavily, going slowly down the stairs to join the boy. I approached him, trying to hug his bare back. Minhyung, however, inhaled loudly, shuddering powerfully.

"I'm sorry," I walked away in panic almost immediately, squeezing hands. Mark looked at me with big eyes, as if I had done terrible harm to him with such sneaking. "I'm sorry," I repeated after a moment when the first shock eased slightly on both sides.

"It's nothing," he rubbed face hard with hand, as if to get rid of the last moments. "I'm sorry," he sighed heavily, going back to spraying the car with water from a hose. "You just surprised me. That's all," added after a moment, pulling me with free arm. I stood next to him with an uncertain smile, watching the foam mass flowing down from the black car.

"Will we go for a walk later?" I finally asked without conviction in voice, feeling like the last idiot, trying to force somehow between us even a bit of romance. As if I was forcing something between us that Mark doesn't even want. As if I would do everything by force. "It's nice weather," I added after a moment for my excuse.

"Sure," the boy replied almost immediately, giving me all the courage. "We can go," agreed, encouraging me to make another shy move. I slowly put hand in his and looked forward to how he would react. Minhyung, however, looked appraising between us as if were thinking about something. Finally clenched fingers at mine and gave me a shy look. "Like that?" asked charmingly, as if in his life he had not seen people walking, holding hands.

"Like that," I confirmed, very happy that my attempt at romance was not laughed at and rejected by the least romantic man I had met in my entire life. I laughed softly to myself, kissing Mark's the bare shoulder, on which I rested head. We looked at each other for a moment and finally Minhyung returned my facial expression at least partially. "You smile nicely," I whispered, still unable to fully get used to this view.

"Do you like it?" he asked with a strange nostalgia in voice that I couldn't decipher.

"I do," confirmed, waving our hands together in the air. "It's cool here, huh?" I asked thoughtfully when he hung up the head from the garden hose. It probably meant the end of car washing. "Quiet, calm, the birds chirp all day. A pleasant place to spend old age," I said quite honestly, watching him pour out the bucket of residual water with liquid and foam.

"Pleasant if you reach it," he suddenly said so dryly that I was taken aback by this tone. After a moment of silence that prevailed between us, Minhyung looked at me uncertainly, reaching for my dangling limply hand. "I'm sorry, I suppose I didn't mean to," he said not convincingly, seeing my puzzled expression.

"You're right," however, I whispered, concluding that in bringing imagination to the ground again, he's truly a master. "There is nothing to dream about" I sighed quietly, letting go of Mark's hand. I think I lost my desire to walk.

"I hate it when you make such a face" he stopped me, clenching fingers on my wrist when I wanted to leave.

"What face?" I was amazed, looking closely at the boy.

"Like, hmm..." he frowned thoughtfully, grabbing slowly my face in both hands. "Like I hurt you."

"You told the truth," I reassured him, smiling uncertainly.

"My mother says that sometimes I should shut my mouth and it is better not to say anything when I use this argument," he said quickly, making a smile on my lips. I snorted softly under breath, looking into his eyes.

"Truth is truth," I explained to him, but took account of his emotional affliction. "It can be painful, sure. It happens that it is not always pleasant. But this is still true."

"I hate this," he muttered irritably, slamming forehead into mine.

"What?" I asked calmly, giving him a kiss. I accepted the idea that I still have to know many sides of his personality. Step by step, slowly and carefully. With the amendment that talking about himself was just hard for him.

"My head" he whispered in pain, as if enduring with himself really caused pathological suffering. "That it doesn't work as it should" he sighed heavily, clenching eyelids. "That it's so fucked up."

"It's just sick," I said, brushing his hair slowly. "If something is sick, it can be cured by definition."

"Courageous words, Hyuck," he replied with resignation. "Very brave."

"Give me a try," I asked quietly, looking into his eyes expectantly. Words couldn't say how much I wanted something deeper to happen between us. How much I wanted to see that when we'll return to New York, nothing will change, that a sudden distance won't appear and pretending that the moments we shared in Norfolk never existed. "Give me a chance to fix you."

"And what if you run away?" he asked uncertainly, sliding thumb over my cheek.

"Don't worry about me" I smiled under breath. "For now it's you running away from me all the time," I said uncertainly, testing Steven's hypothesis. I still wasn't sure, I was still looking for confirmation.

"I'm sorry," he said unexpectedly. I looked at him hopefully. In my life I didn't think that I would get into relationship like that; even in my wildest dreams. "I'll try not to escape anywhere again," he added after a while, gently kissing my lips. I smiled, giving it back to him.

"We just finished," I laughed when Mark's hands unexpectedly found my buttocks.

"Somehow I can't keep my hands off you today," he murmured, kissing my neck. I slowly clenched fingers on the boy's hair.

"And why did I take a shower?" I sighed slowly, looking at the sky at the laughing sun.

"Stop bitching, we'll take another one together."  
  


♥

**[minhyung]**   
  


We entered the pub slowly, wanting to look like typical passers-by who only plan to drink beer at a stop before continuing. As expected, the whole hole was pushed to the brim with people. It all testified wonderfully about this town. Instead of spending time at home on such a cloudy day, the heads of the family and workers would just come here and look for the meaning of life in a glass of beer.

Also wanting to look for him, we ordered with Hyuck at the bar an innocent beer, which we didn't intend to drink at all. Looking at all these ragamuffins, I doubted that even the best brew would remove germs.

It wasn't hard to find Carl. The late hour meant he was actually leaning over his glass. It wasn't difficult to say that after releasing all the information about us that he had, his faithful new friends left him. I was amazed myself that he was alive at all. Marco would probably kill him right away, as if he learned everything he wanted. But I tried not to analyze it too much. There are different mafias and different policies.

"Can I sit by you?" Hyuck asked as he approached the table first. Carl had no right to know him. Lee came to us after his betrayal. The man looked at him with dull, cloudy eyes, nodding heavily as if head were about to fall off his neck and roll over dirty pub boards. Brunet politely slipped on the couch opposite Carl, waiting for me to join. When I did it, the drunken head rose again, immediately as if sobered at the sight of me.

"Mark" whispered in horror.

"Long time no see." I smiled helpfully, sticking a muscle relaxant syringe into his thigh. Carl staggered one last time, dropping his forehead to the table. Nobody paid the slightest attention to him. A lot of people were already in a similar position to him, so we could rather feel calm. Who would have expected that so much time to look for a bastard ended with a one-minute action in which I already included dragging his gummy body out.

"Will nothing happen to him?" Hyuck asked, although he knew perfectly well that if Carl were to die now, it would be far better for him than what Marco would do to him in New York. "He seems to have drunk quite a lot."

"It shouldn't," I said. "I never gave it to drunks," I shrugged, giving my full attention to the boy. It was comical how he didn't fit into a similar place. I myself didn't think that I blend in perfectly with the crowd here. However, Donghyuck was a little younger than me. He still kept his childish features. "Let's talk a little bit more about something," I suggested, smiling under breath.

"You know, it's hard to think of a suitable topic for conversation in such a hole" he noticed, wrinkling nose.

"True," I admitted with laughter. "So broccoli or roasted chicken for dinner?" I asked in jokes. Such verbal correlation was indeed tragically funny. In Norfolk, we usually ate canned dishes, instant soups and less often better dishes like some rice stew. Roasted chicken would be a rarity in all conditions.

"Stop it" he chuckled, kicking me lightly under the table in the leg. I definitely preferred his humor in this way rather than the half-dead of last rainy week.  
  
  
  


When we dropped Carl into the trunk, I was relieved to get rid of the latex gloves that still carried his scent. And so disgusting was the very fact that his dirty body touches my car even through the foil.

"I'll call Steven," told Hyuck, who only nodded silently, closing the tailgate. Without a word, he also got into the car, sinking in pensive of waithing for the next unknown that waited for us in New York.

"Yes?" picked up on the third ring.

"Well, man, put your ass in the car and come here," I said at the start. "You have a package to pick up," I added after a moment, sending Hyuck an uncertain smile, which he didn't return.


	33. Mutual worries

**[may 2020]**

**[donghyuck]**

I smoked a cigarette quietly, sitting on the porch steps. I was hoping that the smoke would fill the feeling of emptiness that I felt after so many months of hard work that ended more easily than anyone would have expected.

I began to wonder what my life would look like when I returned to New York. Stagnation was something I couldn't imagine.

Was there more free time waiting for me at home?

I was supposed to spend time on paperwork?

Marco was going to shoot me as soon as he saw me?

Idleness seemed very real if Perez doesn't have any camouflaged issues he has held so far because of this one priority. I didn't exclude this unrealistic option. It was positive. I would love to spend a weekend at home with my mother, for example, but there were five other days left from the week and the money didn't come from heaven. The end of Carl's case caused many unknowns and many potential threats to a peaceful and normal life. Minhyung didn't make anything easier for me with his return. I came to the conclusion that the appearance of the boy again in my life destroyed virtually every emergency plan that I had in case Marco wanted to get rid of me quietly.

The morning promised to be hot. It was about 5 am now, so I could watch the rising sun calmly. Single birds were already chirping somewhere in the forest, letting other creatures know that it was time to get up slowly. Personally, I was eager to get back to bed and not get out of it until noon. However, there was a lot of work ahead of me and a nap would thwart plans to return home for the evening, which was probably not going to happen anyway.

My attention was suddenly caught by the specific noise coming from the driveway. However, I didn't get up from the stairs, really expecting who it got to us. After a few minutes, Steven emerged from around the corner of the house, waving me a greeting. I answered him with a tired nod. Talking to me by the end of the day seemed to be a laconic exchange of opinions.

"How did you survive?" he asked, coming closer.

"As you can see," I replied calmly, stubbing out a cigarette on the stairs.

"Where's Mark?" he looked around as if he were about to fly out of the bushes on the edge of the plot and greet him with a smile.

"He's taking a shower," I explained. Steven gave me a questioning look that I immediately decoded. I shrugged slightly in response, letting him know that the black-haired is rather all right. Stable.

"That's good," he sighed, as if getting rid of a huge worry stone from his chest. As you can see, the Perez's stone becomes the stone of all of us.

We went silently to the car. Minhyung always parked on the north side of the house so that no rays of the sun would destroy his only true love. I opened the trunk slowly, turning head sideways almost immediately. The smell of digested alcohol was unbearable to me. Steven covered nose with hand, looking at Carl in disgust. I don't think he was so happy about the fact that he must chauffeur him around a solid six hours in such heat.

"Well," he sighed, taking a few steps back. "Let's leave him like this," he added suddenly. "I don't even want to touch him, so I'll just wrap your car and someone will do it for me on the spot.

"You won't say we have to go back with your heap?" I was surprised.

"Calm down" he raised two fingers up as a sign of peace. "I took the company's car."

"Thanks god," I breathed a sigh of relief. "I'll give you some equipment then to the back, huh?" I asked. "We'll have less to pack."

"Haven't you lined out the house yet?" asked sincerely amazed. I shrugged.

"There was no desire or opportunity to do so," I replied, yawning. "We'll just get to New York probably tomorrow morning.

♥

**[minhyung]**

When I got at the porch, Hyuck bumped into me on the way. The boy bounced off carelessly.

"I'm sorry," he laughed, grabbing my arm for keeping balance. "I'm still unconscious," he said.

"Cool," I replied, tapping him on the forehead and gave a small slap on butt for better morning.

"Steven has arrived," he added, walking further into the room. "I'm going for our things, he can take some clobber."

"Okay," I said, wiping hair with a towel.

In the distance, I noticed Steven, who was leaning back on my car, watching everything from a distance - as usual. I walked slowly towards him, not caring for any shirt. What his sharp eyes saw, I can't take it back anyway. The man knew his shit for a long time; as always, he knew everything. Making any secret of him was pointless.

"Hey, hi, hello," I greeted, shaking his hand briefly.

"Hi," he replied simply. "Hope you were polite little fag during this trip," he examined my bare chest carefully.

"Come on," I said reluctantly, hanging a wet towel over my shoulder.

"You know I don't like it at all," he said, offering me a cigarette. I accepted it without any special inhibitions.

"I won't hurt him," murmured reluctantly, looking somewhere above his head into the distance. I was hoping that this impulsive element of my character went away into the unknown forever.

"You know what I mean," he began again after a long silence. "I don't want anything to happen to him because of your stupidity," he shook head in dissatisfaction. "You know perfectly well that if it'll come to light, he will be the one to get hurt for it and not you," he added, as if I didn't know it at all. However, our conversation was interrupted by Hyuck's shoes shuffling. We both turned towards the brunet, who was carrying two huge bags down the stairs that looked bigger than him.

"I have everything under control," I assured Steven in a calm voice, throwing a cigarette into the grass wet with morning dew. There were things more important than addiction.

"That's what I'm afraid of the most," I heard behind me, walking towards Haechan.

We all sat in the kitchen and were silent when it turned out that apart from business information, we had nothing to talk about. Just like once between me and Donghyuck. Just work and outside of work - actually strangers.

Hyuck gave us chilled juice in glasses and didn't join at the table. He took place on the kitchen counter, which allowed him to observe the two of us safely from a distance. That was his the habit that I observed. Donghyuck was a supporter of the big picture view. He liked to have everything in front of him and the wall behind back at best.

I felt Steven's eyes watching me carefully and every now and then they were only changing their object of interest, jumping between me and the boy. He must not really believe in me, since he thought I was threatening Hyuck so much. I never thought that I was the world's most tender lover with a soft heart. I was selfish. But I didn't mean to hurt anyone.

"Marco was saying something?" I finally asked and Steven shrugged in response.

"Not much," he admitted. "Waiting and rubbing hands."

"And you have something to tell us at all or did you want to go inside just to draw a map of potential places where Mark and I had a screw?" Donghyuck asked suddenly, in a completely unlike him tone. I choked with juice, looking at boy in shock.

"Donghyuck, for fuck's sake," I muttered under breath.

"What?" he frowned, never letting go of his irritation. "Not that he doesn't notice it looking at us," added, waving hand at Steven.

"I've always valued that directness in you," Steven replied calmly, being not very shocked. "I have nothing specific," he finally admitted, giving up this verbal battle without a fight. "Indeed, I had a delicate question in mind - _what the fuck are you doing_. But since Haechan started heavy-handed, let's continue in this tone," he smirked, spreading arms to the sides like a program host inviting to a game show. I knew that man's body language very well. Since he gave up the battle, he intended to win the war.

"It just came out like that," I intervened, shrugging. I didn't want Hyuck and Steven's temper to lead to a tragedy in Norfolk. They were identically stubborn, which fascinated me in that they even managed to work together when there was a difference of opinion.

"You accidentally stepped in his ass?" he asked in a grudging voice, leaning towards me. I snorted under breath in disbelief. So he wanted to have fun that way. He knew how easy it was to upset me. It wasn't a good play on his part that he tested my patience in such a perfidious way.

"I don't understand why you're so fucking interested in what is going on between us," I stated simply, trying to calm down my voice. I didn't want to give him additional arguments for my irresponsibility and childishness in resolving conflicts.

"Because if Marco finds out, all three of us will be fucked!" he suddenly raised his voice, slamming fist down on the table. Donghyuck was silent, looking out the window, as if his brain needed a visual cut-off on something calm to develop a plan of action. "What the fuck don't you understand at the moment?" he asked incredulously, looking at me with disarming powerlessness. "Romance is romance. It was fun and now end it, for God's sake, before we all get shot in the head," asked, sighing heavily. He took the mug in hand and drank all its contents at once. There was a silence in the kitchen for a moment.

"He won't know," Donghyuck whispered finally. I was grateful for that - for these words. A slight denial of the fact that we are doomed to pretend that we don't know each other after leaving Norfolk. I didn't have the courage to oppose Steven. I didn't know how but Hyuck already had that courage.

"How do you know that?" Steven asked with suppressed irritation, looking at the brunet. The boy smiled wryly under breath, not taking eyes off the view of the field outside the window.

"Because he gave me to Mark as an object," he said simply and without much emotion. "And with an object you can theoretically do what you want, can't you?" he asked somewhat provocatively, exchanging fierce glances with Steven. I felt that this word game was somehow beyond me. That real gameplay takes place between them two.

"Until you get in his way," the man murmured uneasily, as if Haechan was unaware of the matter. But I think he was because as soon as the words came, he looked down at knees, biting lower lip.

"Why would he get in his way?" I asked with grudge. It pissed me off that I don't know so many strange things. I already lived with this thought before leaving. What was only after half a year of absence. How many such mysterious topics have multiplied yet?

"You see?" Steven asked, looking at me as if had won the main prize in _Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?_ for his knowledge of mafia mechanisms. "Here we go! That's what I'm talking about." He shook head in disbelief. "Do this with Marco and you will be able to start choosing who's body will be first to kick into the gully," he said brutally, standing up from the table. "I'm going back to fucking New York," he powerlessly, sighing with helplessness. "Rather than fingering at night, think about how you get over the topic of bumping into each other at work," he advised, passing me without saying a word _goodbye_. A moment later, the front door slammed and immediately after this slam the sound of the engine started and then the car disappearing from behind the house.

I looked at Hyuck in silence. The boy's head was lowered and fingers tightened on knees. Every now and then he pressed one finger harder, as if it made him think faster. I never combined his similar behavior with planning but now everything seemed to stick together in a logical whole. Whether it was stucking the thumb nail of one hand into the other, or benting fingers strangely, looking out the window or moving leg nervously. It all happened in situations that potentially required a quick change of tactics. It didn't change the fact that Donghyuck did so relatively often. I began to wonder what was going on in his head then.

What required constant planning on his part?

What has always put him in a state of heightened alertness?

Why did his brain never stop working?

He always went to sleep the second and got up first, in the room he arranged everything to suit him. If I moved something, he patiently moved it to its place. He always knew where he had left something and was nervous when didn't find it there. Before leaving, we set details that didn't matter to me but he couldn't leave the house without them. These details were more important to the boy than really big, important things.

The analytical nature of his mind was terrifying to the point that I tried to ignore the fact that he was like that - that he knew everything before I could even think about it. Although he appeared to be a robot on issues that required thinking, paradoxically he had moments of complete helplessness. As if there was no intermediate zone - he either worked kickass like a machine or he didn't function at all. He was paralyzed by rain, something completely minor. He crumbled into millions of pieces, as if a few drops from the sky prevented him from functioning in the world and only the roof of the house was able to shield him from harm.

Donghyuck was a huge puzzle, although he seemed to be a carefree kid who works for the mafia because he has too much free time.

"In a way, he's right..." I finally stated, wanting to somehow know his opinion on this topic. If he couldn't find a solution, none of us had that power.

"Do you think I don't know that?" he whispered weakly, sliding off the counter, then left the kitchen, slowly combing my hair with a sluggish, lifeless movement.

He left me with a poignant sense of helplessness.

♥

**[donghyuck]**

I was powerless.

We were returning to New York tomorrow and I still had no plan. If I wanted to be with Mark after returning, then the only plan was complete obedience to Marco. I had to devote myself to him completely and play according to the rules that he would announce to me. It made me so angry. Have a mafia boss in hand and everything is wasted by a silly heart that, as usual, chooses love instead of common sense. When choosing Mark, I chose complete enslavement of the system. I had to get rid of all bargaining chips that could keep me safe. How ridiculous was it all? Who normal gave away everything he had for a guy? A guy whose feelings he wasn't even sure of...

I stared blankly at the pink plush seal I got from Mark. He got it free for refueling at a gas station. I plucked at the edge of the pillow nervously, wondering if I was really ready for all this. My vulnerability meant not only risk to me but also to my mother. There was one thing Marco didn't know about yet but I couldn't reveal it now. It was the last thing I had. The relationship with Mark was too weak reason to lose it now, since none of us was in any danger. It was a last resort. But wasn't there really nothing intermediate? There had to be something...

Mark quietly left the bathroom, bringing the pleasant scent of shower gel into the bedroom. He carefully made his way to the bed, trying not to make any sound. Finally, he slid onto the mattress and took a deep breath. It seemed that he was lying on back and staring thoughtlessly at the ceiling. It was a really strange day. Full of unspoken words. We were silent all day. While cleaning the house and packing our things, not a word came between us. I don't even know why.

"I'm afraid to come back..." I finally whispered, not wanting to leave Norfolk in this mood. Like we argued, though there was no argument. A great start to something with a future.

"I thought you were asleep," he murmured, moving closer to me cautiously. Finally, I felt the pleasant warmth of his body behind and the arm falling down from above, ready to embrace my crumbling being. "Turn off that compulsive thinking for at least a second, please," he whispered, grabbing my hand, which fingers were still nervously plucking at the pillowcase. I sighed heavily, letting go of the subject. He was right. This constant search for solutions and analyzing the situation killed the last cells of my rational thinking. And returning home I had to have a good supply of it.

"I don't know what will happen now," I explained openly, hugging Minhyung's hand to my chest. "It kills me," I honestly admitted. Mark had to deal with similar thoughts as well. We were in this together. It was stupid to pretend it didn't apply to him.

"It will turn out tomorrow" he replied simply and although it was completely without thinking, it seemed paradoxically the best solution possible. There was nothing to worry about, since we didn't even know what would happen when we got there. "What will we do on spot?" he asked, asking a slightly forbidden question, which unfortunately I didn't know the answer to. "We haven't talked about it yet," he added uncertainly, as if was afraid of my reaction. 

Meanwhile, all I knew was that for some reason Steven didn't threaten us. Since he said that if something will be up, all three of us would be fucked, at least on this side we were safe. Evidently Steven had much more to lose than one might think. Much more to lose than he declared. This was useful information. And I've never ignored it. Everyone had some secrets and everyone could be dragged down with one another if they were skillfully manipulated. The danger on my part has always been that if anything were to threaten my loved ones, I would have dragged even the god himself to grave. That's what the mafia did with me. Perez grew weeds in his own garden. A perfect example of karma returning to man.

"I know..." I said softly, not taking my eyes off the pink seal. "I don't want to think about it," I admitted explicitly.

"Me too" sighed heavily, kissing me gently on the neck. "We'll keep thinking as it develops," he whispered, lips still against my skin. I nodded with agreement. We didn't have a better plan. There was nothing to think about what had not yet occurred and was not even a problem. Everything was in the bag with the label of potentiality. Mark's lips moved slowly to my neck, also leaving his pleasant mark there. I closed eyes, enjoying the warm breath of Minhyung on my body. The boy slowly ran thumb over the almost healed wound on the inside of my hand. "Why did you do that to yourself then?" he asked, thinking back to the first day of his stay in Norfolk.

"I wanted it to really be you," I confessed truthfully. Tonight was conducive to summarizing some issues that normally we wouldn't have the courage to talk about. "Not my stupid imagination," I added in a whisper, reflecting from the silence. Minhyung apparently had to process such messages for a long time before anything came to him. I couldn't blame him. That's how his affliction worked. "I missed you so much," I finally murmured, gathering a little courage with our mutual feelings that we didn't talk about at all. For a long time I listened only to the restless beating of my heart, waiting for an answer that didn't come.

"You can't miss people like me, Donghyuck," he confessed uncertainly, although on the level of speech, ordinary _me too_ required much less effort. However, nothing was easy with Mark. That is why I wanted him so pathologically.

"Perhaps," I agreed. "However, I missed you", I repeated this message so that at least my feelings would be certain, since he couldn't speak about his own. "I missed you even when I had you at my fingertips," I smiled to myself, looking back at our relationship before he left for Edmonton.

"What do you mean?" boy was surprised, rolling thumb in a circle where the piece of plate stuck in my skin.

"You were so absent and cold that you really could be missed while being in the same room," I explained to him slowly. "Your thoughts somewhere far away..." I sighed heavily, turning to the boy, facing him. "Completely distant..." I summed up, combing his hair slowly. I kissed Mark gently, moving as close as I could. I wanted his warmth more than usual today.

"Don't hurt yourself because of me," he asked, putting arm around my hip. "Never, Hyuck," he emphasized. "I'm really not worth it," assured, kissing me gently between the eyebrows.

"Let me decide that, huh?" I offered calmly, looking into his eyes. There were no simple solutions in our relationship. However, when the concentration of emotions in the air hindered Mark's functioning, he did only one thing - he escaped into sex, as if it was the only script he had when various emotions ceased to have matching definitions in his brain. "Try to be gentle today, okay?" I whispered, accepting his escape form for today as he slipped carefully on me, constantly kissing lips.

"Okay" he agreed. "We'll do it slowly," he promised and I hoped he would really keep it. I was completely confused. I wanted at least some space to enjoy what he would do to my body. I wanted this moment to last as long as possible today.

I hugged the boy by the neck as he pulled me up. I sat astride him and let undress slowly. Minhyung's hands were really calm and delicate. They wandered the next centimeters of my body without rushing, brushing the collarbones, nipples and groins, brushing with fingertips over the long scars on my back. We exchanged kisses on the basis of calm pecking and simple kisses. I received the kind of tenderness I had longed for and was happy that Minhyung was able to offer me that.

When the boy's hands slipped behind the elastics of my boxers, I leaned forward, knocking him over back. I leaned against his head with one hand and with the other I slided off his underwear, which he got rid of with a few kicks. The boy usually slept without a shirt, so at least here he saved us both useless effort.

Mark ran hands along my body line, subtly twisting at hips. I leaned over the boy, rubbing his nose gently. Before I joined our lips, I let out a groaning sigh as I felt boy's hands spreading my buttocks aside. Black-haired's thumbs tightened firmly on my pelvis bones when I grabbed him by the hard member and directed it slowly to my entrance. I straightened body to a sitting position and put hands on Minhyung's chest, looking deeply into his dark iris as I slowly slid down on him. The boy closed eyes and a low sigh left his lips. I slowly began to lift and slide down, kissing his breastbone area. Mark finally sat, pulling me tightly by neck.

Around this moment, the promised delicacy ended and began sex that he preferred.

Minhyung got our lips together violently, tightening fingers against my hair. I grunted loudly in response to this brutal change in the dynamics of our love making. It was as bipolar as everything we did together. There was no way to predict anything. Every time I went down, Minhyung's hips were already coming up to meet me. All this made me feel his member inside me painfully at times but it didn't bother me that much. I needed this pain in a strange way today. I needed this escalating sexual violence, which originated from the sweet delicacy of mutual caresses.

I tilted head back, letting out a loud moan from between lips. Minhyung pressed forehead to my chest and within a second I was back under him. Such a change of position allowed him to take me even stronger, deeper. And so he began to do, which meant that my mouth could no longer be closed. I screamed like I've never did during sex in my life. I screamed, digging nails into Mark's back. The boy grabbed my jaw, turning head towards him. We looked at each other for a moment and I finally covered eyes with shoulder, unable to bear his eyes yet, when sexual ecstasy took away the remnants of my sanity. In response, Minhyung ran his tongue along my jaw, pushing lips against my ear.

"I fucking love how you make such sounds under me," panted, confirming with words his need for domination.

"I wondered how long you could stand being at the bottom," I joked on my breath, pulling his smiling lips to mine.

We were both already at the very end of the endurance and need of fulfillment. It didn't come as if fate wrote in our cards that we have to fuck today until we lose all strength and morning soreness will appear. Mark accelerated movements, if it was possible at all. He came in again and again with enduring motions, steadily hitting with the crotch against my buttocks. Finally, he moaned loudly into my ear, what was completely amazing.

Minhyung was rather the type of silent lover. Even during rough sex, he panted at most but never moaned, never screamed. He simply took, seeking to satisfy. I could even think that this is just my imagination, it was so unreal. But when another moan escaped from Minhyung's mouth, I had no doubt whatsoever. I had no doubt at all.

I hated myself for making important life decisions based on just such fragile moments that could have passed at any moment.

I hated myself for being a fucking dog who was always looking for a man with whom he would finally feel safe.

I hated myself for this pathological need to give my heart to someone for protection.

I hated myself for how much I could give for feeling safe and loved for a while.

I hated...

I clenched fingers tightly on the bedclothes, making the last cry of pleasure that night that crowned everything. That announced that the decision was made in my head and there was no turning back from it. I put everything on one card, being able to win or lose everything in my life.

I loved that asshole.

I loved and could no longer stop this love.

"I tried..." he whispered, burying face in my neck. He was still inside me, cuddling tightly to chest, though he should have moved away a long time ago. I didn't let him, holding my thighs close to his hips as if today's sex was our last.

"You were, Minhyung," I panted, fighting with shallow breath. "You were," I repeated, combing his hair slowly. I gently kissed a scrap of Mark's bare shoulder, dropping head backwards without any strength. I looked at the ceiling, begging Mark in thoughts that he would never leave me if he planned to after we returned. That he would forever hold me in his arms like he does now - as if his whole life depended on it.

"I think I'm afraid too," he muttered unexpectedly in my neck.

I closed eyes, feeling tears of powerlessness running down my cheeks and disappearing somewhere in the back of my head.


	34. Two questions

**[may 2020]**

**[minhyung]**

Carl was a symbol of fall for me. A small man who has humiliated, God knows for what purpose, in the name of what ideal. I had no feelings for him. He seemed to me quite neutral.

I was looking at the man I once worked with. He was a former colleague with whom I once created seemingly nice situations that I can now call memories.

I stared at Carl knowing that his days or hours were already numbered. Why, then, did I feel nothing? In my heart I wanted to extract at least one smallest emotion associated with this man but I couldn't. Each similar attempt bounced off the wall of indifference.

Carl sat in the interrogation room, which he knew very well. Rather, however, he couldn't predict that one day he would become the victim and his torturer someone quite different. Such funny twists can probably be called the irony of fate.

The man was chained to the table with handcuffs. There was no option for him to escape. Steven also tied his head with a thick rag, gagging mouth so that he wouldn't bite tongue. Suicide was also out of the question. Carl just simply waited for execution.

"So many months of searching," Marco suddenly sighed as he finished his intoxicating moment of own triumph. Surprisingly, he automatically credited himself with all the merits of the last months, ignoring the dirty job operators. "And I finally have him," he whispered.

"What would you do with him now?" I asked calmly.

"I don't know yet," he replied lightly with a smile. "I am too happy that the reason for my anguish is now at arm's length to decide on his miserable fate literally this second." I nodded slowly, letting him know that I fully understand his emotions. I didn't. However, only this answer was correct. Only that one appealed to Perez. No other mattered. "How do you feel, Mark?" he asked suddenly, breaking the long silence that fell between us.

"In connection with this matter?" I murmured, giving a conscious blank shot. I needed time.

"In connection with your life," he said calmly.

"I think I'm fine," I replied with a shrug. I didn't want to talk to him about my private life and existential dilemmas.

"I'm still waiting for you to explain to me what exactly happened in Edmonton."

"But I don't want to talk about it," I categorically denied. I was surprised that everything what I said, magically didn't reach his ear properly. All these years he should learn that mine _no_ can't be undermined in any way. It's a relatively categorical statement if it's falling from my mouth.

"After all, you'll have to, if you want me not to actively involve you in plans of receiveing Zayn with open arms here in a month," he said spontaneously, including just as spontaneous all the details of this transaction in one sentence. For a moment I felt as if my heart had missed some important bumps necessary for its functioning. However, I remained apparently calm, quietly shaking inside. I didn't understand. Why?

"What do they want here?" I asked angrily, letting Perez understand that Suskind was an intruder here for me.

"It was an exchange by definition, Mark," he explained freely, waving hands to illustrate this relationship vividly. "Works on the same principles as school one. We are half a year there, they are half a year here. "

School exchange.

It sounded just great.

I drove slowly into the underground parking lot, still having Marco's hands flying before my eyes. I couldn't imagine it. For a moment I felt that I'd run away from it. That I got out of hell, getting a second chance from life to better manage it. Meanwhile, it turned out that the spooky circus decided to visit my city and I was forced to participate in this whole monstrous performance.

I looked uncertainly at the sleeping Hyuck. I was worried about the potential meeting of Lee and Zayn. If I hadn't told Suskind about brunet my life in Edmonton might not have ended so tragically. This nightmare began with the fact that I revealed my purpose of the visit, which was to escape. Until now, I had no idea if Zayn's behavior was the result of wounded pride, awareness of the presence of this third person or maybe the boy was simply crazy and all this would eventually happen. The past couldn't be changed and I wanted to let it go into oblivion at all costs. It is a pity that it rather had other plans.

Steven was right. I finally had to get a grip on myself. If I wanted to keep Donghyuck with me, I should start doing something with my life. It is high time to return to regular medication, go to one or several visits to a psychiatrist. I wanted to change, normalize. This time, I didn't even mean myself, a return to society or being the life and soul of the company.

Donghyuck needed my change.

Our relationship needed my change.

Our potential common future needed my change.

The only obstacle, as usual, was Marco, who was constantly sniffing, constantly picking holes in something. And he couldn't find out that Hyuck and me had something like close relationship. He would be furious and get rid of either him or both of us.

♥

**[donghyuck]**

I woke up surrounded by the smell of Minhyung. It was literally everywhere and didn't bother me at all. I thought a similar morning was a really good start of the day. I suspected that I fell asleep in the car yesterday like a log and it was impossible to wake me up.

I recognized Mark's specific bedroom quite quickly. I often passed it on the way to the toilet when I visited Izzy. I didn't even dare to think back then that one day I would simply wake up in it. It was a very nice feeling. Feeling as if something in my life had worked out first in a long time.

I scrambled out of bed slowly, hearing the presence of other people somewhere in the distance. I quickly combed hair with fingers and bettered the skewed sweatshirt, then went down the three small steps straight into the kitchen. Mark had back to me and inferring from his clothes and hair, he didn't wake up so long time ago as well. Isabelle sat right next to him on the kitchen counter, watching as the black-haired puts some pills into piles.

"Hello there," I greeted in a sleepy voice, smiling under breath. They both looked at me almost at the same time, making quite similar faces. I wanted to laugh in mind. At first glance, everyone could see that they had known each other for many years. They looked like siblings who had been caught red-handed. I just hoped that from now on they would refrain from sexual acts.

"Hey" they even responded simultaneously. Mark slowly started putting what they had counted into the box. He did it calmly and seemingly without haste but I had the impression that he would most likely throw it all at once and slam deeply somewhere in the closet. That's why I was so intrigued.

"What's this?" I asked, coming closer.

"Pills... for the heart," he said reluctantly. I gave him a surprised look.

"Do you have heart problems?"

"Minor" shrugged. "This is nothing serious," he assured, placing hand on my hip. "Don't bother with it," he whispered and kissed my forehead lightly. At least I already knew he was lying like total loser.

"If you say so," I mumbled. I had no choice but to accept this answer. I couldn't verify it in any way. It was out of place to argue about it as well, since I didn't even know if we were officially together and Isabelle stood at the side and watched us closely. I was trapped. "Okay..." I sighed heavily. "I won't bother you anymore and I think I'll be going."

"Eat breakfast at least," Minhyung said in a tone indicating he don't want to hear a refusal. However, I had to disappoint him. I didn't feel well standing between him and Izzy. It was no longer even a matter of the fact that when they stood side by side, I could see Mark's hand between her legs in front of my eyes. It just seemed to me that they had a few things to say to each other that I couldn't hear or understand. It wasn't my apartment, I preferred to go home and give them some freedom.

"Mark is right," the girl added. "You just got up."

"I need to show my face to mother one day," I laughed, slightly embarrassed by this sudden interest. "I already took your bed."

"No problem, I only returned an hour or so ago," Izzy said, hopping to the ground. "There is something going on here finally," she joked, pulling a can of cola out of the fridge.

"No, it's really time for me," I said firmly. Mark sighed heavily, rolling eyes. He put arm around me gently.

"Come on, little rebel," he surrendered with dissatisfaction painted on face. "I'll walk you down to the car."

"Won't you need it in the morning?" I was surprised.

"Of course I will," he admitted shamelessly. "That's why you'll have to come for me," said, patting my ass.

♥

**[minhyung]**

"And how do you know each other so well?" I asked Isabelle, crossing the threshold of the apartment. Her and Hyuck's intimacy seemed at least suspicious. The girl looked at me angrily. I sensed that she was waiting with a row untill Donghyuck left.

"You're gone for almost six months so many things can change," she said wryly. "Don't count on that you will suddenly come back from the ass and find everything you have left in exactly same order" she shook head sideways, passing me with chin raised high. I grabbed her arm reflexively.

"I'm asking seriously" I murmured in a grave voice. No huffing scene affected me.

"I didn't fuck with him if that's what you mean," she snapped, breaking free from my grip. I rolled eyes. As always, she had to reduce everything to the most primitive level. "You left him without warning, just like me," she added reproachfully. "Apparently your abandonment somehow connects people."

"He had a boyfriend, Izzy," I said tiredly. The memory of Seth is one of the worst I've ever recalled. This shitty blond man didn't seem to let go even after his departure. I think his destiny was to persecute my thoughts.

"Which apparently didn't bother him to come here at least once a week and ask if someone like the fucking Mark Lee deigned to kindly let know if he was alive at all," she blurted in one breath, taking away the possibility of using any argument for me. I was a fucking egoist. I knew about it. And she knew I didn't like to hear that. "You guys together?" she asked after a moment of silence.

"I think so..." I whispered, looking down. It was stupid to ask Donghyuck about this. I was hoping it would come out naturally but it hasn't happened yet.

"You love him?"

"Why are you asking if you know I have no idea!" I was annoyed, sending her an angry look. "It's not that easy for me, since I've never felt it before, for fuck's sake."

"You really don't know or you're just playing a moron as usual?" she snorted in disbelief. "Because sooner or later he'll ask you the same questions, Mark," Izzy said quite seriously, hitting the very heart of my growing fears. I knew that very well. For now, Donghyuck silently accepted my cool, illogical, bipolar behavior. However, this couldn't go on forever. "And what will you answer him then?" continued. "That you don't know?" she laughed in amazement. "I'm sorry, Hyuck, but after fucking you for a few months I still don't know if I love you because I'm fucked and I feel no emotions? Or maybe you'll squirrel out of it with pills for your heart, which you probably don't really need, since you're doing nothing to make it work normally?"

"The fuck you want from me right now that you're getting on me like this?"

"Because I really like him," she answered with disarming honesty. "It reminds me of a few years ago. He is completely charming and innocent and so involved in an apparently one-sided relationship. Do what you want, Mark, but if you rag him the same way Marco made me his rag doll, I will cut your dick and nail it to your fucking forehead. The fact that you have a hard shit in your head is no excuse at this time."

♥

**[donghyuck]**

I looked uncertainly once at my mother's back and once at the calm face of Ted, who looked as if he was already very at home. I noticed that he found himself in our company without any problem. He knew the secrets of kitchen cabinets very well and knew perfectly well where to look for products such as sugar, tea and spices. He changed stealthy glances with my mother from time to time and I couldn't help the small smile of embarrassment. Everyone has the right to a second love and to fall in love again. However, I didn't think that after things we went through, both me and my mother would get a chance for a new relationship with at least a vague future.

"Thank you so much for helping my mother," I finally said after a long observation. It was strange coming home after a few weeks of absence.

"No problem," he assured. "We found a common ground very quickly," Ted replied with pride but at the same time with a sincere surprise, as if he still didn't quite believe what was happening in his life. My mother made eye contact with me and showed in sign language that Ted has a mute granddaughter, so communication is not a barrier. She looked happy. "Your mother is a really charming woman," he added after a while, as if he wanted to start initiating into the depths of their relationship. However, he didn't have to say much. The conclusions were self-evident.

"I think so too," I admitted with an uncertain smile.

"Mark mentioned something about his stay in Canada?" Marco asked, watching me closely. I shook head sideways in denial.

"He didn't say anything. Rather, he even avoided this topic," I honestly admitted. Marco nodded thoughtfully, rubbing beard with a stubble. The gold signet ring and watch contrasted strongly with his tired, sleepless face, which didn't look so rich.

"I would be grateful if you could keep an eye on him," he said, actually not asking for anything. I just had to do it. That's why I nodded. "I have no idea what thoughts are swirling in him now. You'd better stay as close as you can just in case. I'm not able to worry yet whether he would be out of his mind back again." I looked questioningly at Perez, who just spread hands helplessly aside and sighed heavily. He took a sip of dark alcohol from a crystal glass. "I think you can see that something very bad has happened in Edmonton." I confirmed. "See... Mark called me back then. Still as he was in Canada. He was in a tragic condition," muttered, tightening eyebrows. He studied fingers clenched on the glass carefully, as if were reliving that phone call. "He threatened that if I didn't get him home at the moment, he would kill himself. It's true that Mark is with us in New York now but that doesn't mean that he left his suicidal thoughts forever in Canada."

"I understand," I said quietly, being shocked at the content of this profession and the profession itself. Moments of Marco's exuberance always confirmed my belief that Lee means a lot to him and will get rid of anyone who wants to hurt him or take him away. It scared me because I was such a threat to Perez, only he hadn't yet realized it - he hadn't noticed it yet.

"People who entertained him in Edmonton, come here in a month," he said seriously. "It is known as part of the exchange," he added, waving hand horizontally to emphasize the relationality of this deal. "If these people hurt Mark in any way, it's likely that he won't take their stay with us lightly."

"I'll give my best," promised. In a way, Marco's request really helped us a lot at the moment. It gave time to think about what would happen next.

"That was the answer I expected."

♥

**[minhyung]**

The sun was setting exceptionally fiery today, bathing the world in an intense shade of orange. The streets of the estate gradually depopulated. Here and there children sat on the lawns and spent the last hours of the day playing more energetically with their friends from the neighborhood. Everything was so calm, so carefree. Living here during the holiday season, I could really be under the illusion that there are no problems, that there are no barriers limiting me, that I can love and be loved without obstacles, that I am able to make life decisions independently and not be verified.

Here everything was just... simple. I didn't care about independent life and loneliness associated with it. If I didn't have the job I have, I would probably complain about the poor housing conditions and the difficulty of make ends meet from paycheck-to-paycheckt from the miserable work in a chain store. Or maybe I could go to college, somehow move it all, I would not give up education.

There have always been many buts.

There was always a lot of pros and cons.

Not consuming one of these lives, I don't know what obligations are attached to it. That's why it's hard to predict what it really looks like.

I parked a few houses away as always so that my mother wouldn't accidentally pay too much attention to the car I drive. Something like this definitely can't be bought for working in a restaurant. That's why I went for a walk to my old house, stopping for a moment by the neighboring one.

Donghyuck was lying on the porch boards next to the door and basking in the last rays of today's sun. Warm colors danced in the strands of the boy's hair, perfectly sticking to his skin. A boy given to the world as a gift from the universe. A boy radiant like the sun itself. I adored watching this magical combination from a distance.

Hyuck was smoking a cigarette slowly, leaning legs against the wall and listening to music. He was wearing that traditional washed-out outfit of homeless - some jeans ripped on knees and a large, dark-green, short-sleeved T-shirt which never even lay next to an ironing board. He was so messy sometimes, I swear. 

I was constantly surprised that I wasn't forgotten by him. 

I was convinced that my disappearance from his life would be the best I could do. 

That Donghyuck thought so too.

"Hide your panties, this is not a beach" I joked, coming closer. Lee tilted head from the floor to look at me. Light gray smoke flew out of his mouth and a lazy hand tugged the headphones to fell out of ears.

"Hi," said, rising slowly from the boards. He quickly brushed knees and walked to the edge of the stairs, leaning arm on the wooden column. "Did you come to your mother?" he asked, watching me closely.

"Mhm..." I sighed heavily, putting hands in pants pockets. "I just hope this bastard is not at home. I have weak nerves," I said angrily. My brother was the last person I wanted to see right now. Right after Zayn.

"Jeno moved out some time ago, Hyungie," the boy timidly noticed, biting lip slightly. He obviously didn't want to make me aware of the passage of time and how many things changed here when I was away. However, this was inevitable.

"Seriously?" I winced, brushing hair nervously. Hyuck nodded, sitting on the top step. He patted the space by his side slowly. I didn't refuse. I just sighed heavily and sat down next to him. "Where?" I asked after a long moment of silence. I began to wonder why I really care. If he's not here, then he's not. Even better.

"Somewhere to the center," replied. "He shares a flat with the girlfriend now," Hyuck added, turning the packet of cigarettes in fingers around.

"And what, mom is sitting all alone at home?" I got nervous, although I wasn't really saint in this matter as well. Over the past six months, I've received her calls very sporadically, selling her a bill of goods that I have a very busy schedule for a foreign internship. Even a moron would sense it was a lie but the woman didn't ask. She knew I wouldn't say anything more. The information that I was alive must have been enough for her.

"I don't know..." Donghyuck shrugged. "Apparently she often gets together with mine and somehow both are spending the time doing some things for moms from neighbourhood with always absent sons" he muttered, resting chin on hand. I laughed. He said this joke so smoothly and without much effort. It has always fascinated me."How did you explain her such a long no-show?" he looked at me questioningly and I swallowed hard. Hyuck's eyes really did funny things with me. _He_ was doing it to me. The more that we haven't seen each other for the last few days. We haven't actually seen each other alone so privately since returning from Norfolk and it's been a while.

"I haven't reached that point yet," I admitted uncertainly, getting a disbelieving look on my right.

"So what, you just disappeared and didn't even say a word to your mother?" he was surprised.

"I'm already a big boy," I said in my defense, although, indeed, brunet was quite right. I should be ashamed or something. I wasn't ashamed anyway.

"Well done, big boy," he laughed happily, straightening legs in front of him. "The poor woman must have been dying of anxiety."

"You are so insolent sometimes that..." I broke off, pursing lips in a narrow line. I didn't want to say too much.

"That what, huh?" he provoked, smiling under breath. We looked into each other's eyes for a moment. Sparks of sheer joy derived from provoking me and teasing danced in Donghyuck's iris. This little shit loved to play word games with me. I liked it too. He was charming when he tried to upset me. In the end I looked down and shrugged.

"I wish I could kiss you," I said straight from the shoulder. Hyuck laughed when I nudged him with knee.

"We chose this work ourselves," he whispered quite seriously, with a hint of melancholy.

"So I can't kiss you now at my own request?" I asked playfully, wanting to cheer him up a bit. The boy looked at me confused.

"We both can't do it at our own request," he said simply, pulling out a packet of cigarettes towards me. I refused by shaking head. Brunet smoke himself. We sat in silence for a moment, looking straight ahead. This form of spending time was better than none.

We looked at the setting sun for a moment, which was increasingly hiding behind the buildings across the street. It was so quiet all around that I could clearly hear my breath and feel a slow beat of my heart that for the first time in a long period wasn't afraid of anything and wasn't in a hurry. Man wanted to succumb to this beautiful illusion that he is finally free.

"Okay, I'll be going," I said finally. Lee nodded in understanding, letting out smoke slowly between lips.

"Hyungie?" When I took a few steps, I heard my name in a diminutive that only he used. I liked it very much. It was really sweet.

"Hm?" I murmured, glancing at him one last time.

"We're together now or how does it look like between us?" he asked uncertainly, as if ashamed of that he wanted to know. In fact, I was the one who should feel this shame. This question, however, wasn't at all comfortable for me. I avoided answering it like fire.

"Together," I said, knowing perfectly well that it should finally be done and we should be somehow defined. I could think of it as a step forward but I felt anxiety rising inside me with every passing second. I was afraid of it.

As I left, I realized that we had the first question from Izzy's list behind us.

I was hoping that the second one wouldn't come so quickly.


	35. The way you breathe

**[june 2020]**

**[minhyung]**

I pressed Donghyuck harder against the door and he moaned straight into my mouth, clenching fingers on the door handle. However, when I grabbed the boy by the belt, he quickly knocked my hand away, laughing under breath. It enjoyed him just way too much - seducing me and messing around.

"E-e" he murmured indistinctly, probably trying to remind me that we are at work and what we're doing is not safe at all. But the main obstacle was the fact that whenever Lee was so close to me, I forgot about the world around us. I couldn't take it into account. In front of Hyuck, quite other things created my reality. However, the brunet seemed to keep both feet on the ground and reacted in time, when someone started to scramble for the kitchen from the other side.

The boy pushed me harder, forcing to stand in the corner of the room by the kettle. I grunted vaguely, wanting to get the hoarseness out of my throat on the off chance that an unscheduled exchange of words will appear. Steven looked inside and didn't seem particularly surprised that it was the two of us here. I wouldn't be in his place. Only that Steve didn't support our relationship at all and especially didn't support that I was part of it. For now, however, I really tried, I wanted to be better and give something from myself. I even took medicine, although I never suspected that I would return to taking it. This, however, didn't seem to be enough for a man to consider me rational when it comes to confronting Marco.

Steve scanned the kitchen irritably, focusing on Hyuck for a longer moment. They exchanged glances intensely and finally Lee broke the silence, sighing indignantly.

"What?" he asked, crossing arms over chest as if it was going to protect him.

"You" Steven began seriously, pointing finger at brunet. "To work. And you..." looked at me with real embarrassment, almost on the verge of hysterical laughter. He looked pained. "For god's sake, turn on this fucking kettle at least if you want to drink anything," he sighed heavily, then left, leaving the door open behind him. I looked at the switch and it was indeed at the top. I laughed, embarrassed by my own stupidity. I shook head, looking at Hyuck. The boy smiled uncertainly, shrugging. He bit lower lip slightly, suppressing laughter.

"You looked really professional for a moment," he whispered comfortingly, giving me one last look of support.

"Thanks," I nodded in resignation, looking boy going out the door. He waved me shyly and then I was left alone in the room.

I climbed up the stairs slowly and elbowed the door to room carefully. I finally made this tea, although I didn't feel like it at all. I came to the conclusion that since I made such an effort to boil this water, at least somehow I will make use of it.

I laughed under breath and shook head from side to side.

I still couldn't believe my own thoughtlessness. With Marco, such a thing wouldn't pass. We were lucky that it was Steven.

"You have great humor today," I suddenly heard from the side, shuddering with anxiety. My hand trembled and the tea burned hand.

"Fuck," I cursed loudly. "Damn it," I pissed off. Speak of the devil, here he is. "Thanks to Steven, I got it, thanks to you I lost," said gruffly, waving hand in the air. I wanted fucking hot drinks in the middle of summer. Marco was always able to find the perfect time to turn me down on my mood. Nobody invited him here, though I didn't have the courage to tell him that so openly in the face. I was hoping he would simply be consumed by hell. Fucking son of the devil.

"Zayn is coming to us in two weeks," he said for the millionth time this month. I was already puking with his monothematicism and stubbornness. "I still don't know what to do about it, Mark," he added, as if it were all easier for me after hearing it. I really don't care how he feels about it. If I don't take care of myself, he won't do it either.

"Just..." I sighed tiredly. _Just what?_ I asked myself internally. Stopgap words have always been my favorite. "Limit our meetings to the bare minimum. I'm not asking you for anything more," I said simply. The whole situation was really exhausting mentally.

"Mark..."

"Let what happened in Edmonton remain in Edmonton," I said categorically. "I am begging you, Marco... Don't discuss this anymore," asked. I really sincerely wanted him to listen to me. This one, only time. "It's enough for me to have to look at him soon," I sighed heavily and silence fell between us. Marco looked down at the wooden floor. I had no idea what was going on in his head. I wondered if he could get that insight himself. "You will see what the devil's child is," I added after a moment. The man looked at me long and without enthusiasm. In his eyes I saw curiosity and expectation full of fears.

It excited him.

He was excited about Zayn's meeting because Perez considered himself the king of these infernal circles. 

And what could be more interesting than getting toknow the lost personification of deadly sperm?

♥

**[donghycuk]**

I had the impression that this life somehow got more and more complicated. It was supposed to be beautiful, pleasant and simple but after jumping over one log, another appeared on the horizon.

The purpose of man's life is to build a house, plant a tree and beget a son. In my case I could skip his thing about son but I would like to realize the first two elements of this process one day. I never thought forward. I have always tried to ignore the subtle suasions of my unconscious and the desires hidden in it. However, it was getting harder, the ground still uncertain and the future somewhat blurred. 

I wasn't good at choosing life partners. I think it's a curse

"Why you so quiet today?" asked Minhyung, putting hand on my neck beforehand. I shuddered, unexpectedly pulled out of the depths of my own thoughts. Cutting vegetables put me in a strange trance. "And tense," he added after a moment, commenting on my reaction to his closeness. I felt a little silly. I sighed, giving him an apologetic look.

"It's because of Marco..." I explained roundly. I didn't want Mark to know about our conversation, much less about Perez's request, which I pledged, though falsely, to fulfill. "He walks still pissed off."

"Probably because of me," Lee said bitterly, taking hand from my body. On impulse ordering him to do anything to minimize remorse, he looked into the pot and slowly stirred the rice that was cooking in it.

"Well, unfortunately" I whispered under breath. I didn't want to make him feel guilty but that was the truth. And only truth spoke to Mark. He knew Marco longer, he knew perfectly well what Perez was like. I didn't see any sense in soaping his eyes because boy was able to visualize our boss's behavior even without overly extensive descriptions. The entry was quite sufficient.

"I'm sorry you have to bear it," he murmured vaguely. I was surprised that similar words crossed his throat. However, Minhyung was changing. It was change for the better but it was such a slow process that a more superficially judgmental person would be tempted to question it existence.

"I live with it somehow" shrugged and left the kitchen. I slowly put the bowl of salad on the table, looking out the window in the living room. The days were beautifully bright and sunny, not very warm. All the signs in the sky and the earth were screaming that it was a perfect day to spend it on the beach with beer and sunglasses. For us, the common day, even in the form of a closed box, was something new and unusual. We couldn't complain. Ater all, Mark didn't like summer sunshine anyway.

He didn't like people and society in general.

He didn't like looking at other people's joy and the lives of those who could freely manage it.

He didn't like anything that reminded him of the restrictions imposed on his own existence; at his own request.

This reality helped me convince myself that we didn't lose anything anyway.

"Bon appetite," I suddenly heard the grim voice of the boy right behind me. I remembered what we were doing and where we were. Mark slowly set our plates of rice and chicken breast on the table, then sat down slowly in a chair opposite me. Paradoxically, I was overwhelmed by the ordinariness of the day. With the whole shell of our lives, the situation we were in seemed unbelievable, unreal and comic in dark way.

"You know that I avoided this topic only because of you, but..." I stopped, sighing heavily. I've never been a master of the right moments. One of the few days spent together should rather be separated from heavy topics. However, we were surrounded by a sea of much heavier matters. Finding something neutral was a difficult matter. "What exactly happened between you and Zayn?" I finished it much quieter than I intended. I could bet I had guilt on my face. Minhyung gave me one of those looks that screamed from the raised eyebrow, _Seriously? Now?_ However, I was looking for the right moment from the morning and didn't find it. There was no further delusion that one day the right moment would come. "I'm sorry," I whispered, sitting slowly at the table. I realized that the topic is still closed for now. "Enjoy," I said calmly, thrusting fork with guilt into a piece of meat. We began to eat in silence.

If I had to think about it more deeply, our whole relationship would have been rather quiet. Although I was still not sure if what connected us, it is better not to call a relationship. The relationship was probably too serious term because of the two of us, only I really wanted it. At least that was my impression. Mark didn't say anything; didn't say anything or at least the slightest mention of any emotion seemed to cause him physical pain.

So why did I still stay with him, sleep, spend my free time?

Why did he want that?

Why was he still suggesting something?

Why did he get involved in initiatives and closeness of bodies, if that meant nothing to him?

The answer could be: because he is just Mark. Mark Lee, whom I met when he returned from the psychiatric center and poured a glass of juice straight into his brother face to greet him. Somehow that attracted me. He was attracting me. He had all these qualities that no one would want with his partner. Increasingly, I came to the conclusion that I, too, cannot be completely of sound mind, since I am still here, I still want him because I am deluding myself, because I feel that Mark's heart still has some good and the ability to get involved. Mark Lee is not a bad man in my eyes. Although all the signs in heaven and earth point to the opposite judgment to mine.

"He did with me in Edmonton exactly the same thing I did to you before my trip to Canada," the boy's hoarse voice broke the grave silence in the living room. When I looked up at him, I noticed that apart from pawing through rice, he hardly touched dinner. "That's why I called you then..." explained quietly, as if he was still ashamed of it somehow. "...and I apologized," added slowly, giving uncomfortable and awkward information one by one with great difficulty. "Because I understood what harm I had done to you," he finally confessed after another long break. Lee's fingers tightened on the fork to such an extent that knuckles whitened. "I still don't understand... I mean..." he laughed without a hint of cheerfulness as if own emotional awkwardness embarrassed him. "Why did you forgive me all this, Hyuck?" he asked incredulously, looking me straight in the eye. Boy was looking for an answer but I didn't know if he would be able to see it, though it was at fingertips. Minhyung still had it before him - in my words, deeds, gestures and looks. I didn't think he was that blind and it wasn't convenient to tell him that either. Mark didn't like to hear about positive affects, he denied their existence and therefore couldn't understand how his earlier actions could be forgiven. I was lost because I didn't know how to put into words what I felt now. How do you clue somebody in on something that he doesn't have in his dictionary? That's why I was silent and Mark was no longer able to keep quiet. His eyeballs chaotically penetrated the area around my face, as if there were some hints hiding there. "I'm grateful to you but don't understand," shook head in denial. I knew he didn't understand. Because he was a hopeless case. "The relationship with Zayn destroyed me. I don't even know how to look at him. Meanwhile, we're having a quiet dinner. It's a little fucked up," Mark noticed uncertainly, which looked really comical in his case. I smiled, shrugging.

"And you loved him?" I asked uncertainly, knowing the answer correctly in advance. I just wanted the boy to be able to notice a dichotomy on his own in the perception and emotional color of both these contrasting relationships and emotional environments.

"Of course not," boy replied immediately, shaking head. He looked at me in a way that suggested he still didn't guess the connection between my question and the potential answer clarifying all cognitive gaps.

"Well," whispered uncertainly, although I had already decided that it was time for at least one person in this pseudo relationship to say what he meant and what was potentially so difficult to verbalize. "And before you left, I already loved you. Even then, I just loved you. That's why I have nothing against you," I explained when Minhyung looked down at plate. "You destroyed me then, Mark. But in a completely different way," added quite honestly. I couldn't say that this love was able to forgive everything and let go of many unpleasant facts. Somehow, however, it fixed at least some of the cases.

"In which?" he asked uncertainly, as if wondering if he wanted to hear the answer to thiis question at all. I embraced shoulders reflexively, giving him a faint smile. Many memories came back to me with double strength. All these times, when he took me by constraint, faster heartbeat, when I felt a threat from him but I couldn't define the exciting undercoat that accompanied it whenever our bodies were divided by millimeters. The truth was, we both had a really fucked up heads but each of us in a slightly different way.

"There was something about you that didn't let me hate you, though I wanted it so badly. But this hatred did exist anyway, just needed an object to put it in," I said quietly, without taking eyes off the boy's face. "That's why I started to hate myself. It seemed to me the only right way to solve it and not go crazy. "

♥

**[minhyung]**

From the afternoon conversation I knew that I wouldn't be able to sleep at night. Every time these damn understatements between us surfaced and explained one by one, I felt a mental pain. I didn't want a complicated life. I wanted to be carefree in the company of what surrounded me now and push out negative memories somewhere. But without explaining the past, you cannot create a coherent and healthy present. I knew that perfectly well.

Donghyuck was breathing calmly, lying on my chest. His body weight was very pleasant not only in the physical aspect. I also liked it somewhere in the back of the head. I felt safe in this state. In reality, however, I missed the answer to the question: _What did I do to deserve him?_ Because it wasn't easy to find out the root of such a problem. I did nothing... tender, good or beautiful. Actually, I only hurt him. From the beginning. I hurt myself, him, everyone around me with a chill that I couldn't kill, though I tried hard to get rid of it.

Did I love Hyuck?

I certainly desired him.

However, I've recently come to the conclusion that, in total, it's not the same, that I should learn to delimit it somehow. Desire seemed to be driven by something completely different than the emotions responsible for love. I was able to see it when I invited Lee for the first time just to be with him, to stay with him, sit in silence or talk, do something or nothing, never mind. I wanted to be close. Then I thought it might be a hybrid. The desire for intimacy, which is not equal to the desire for purely sexual intimacy and the desire for sexual intimacy, which somehow is associated with emotional closeness...? Quite a complicated conclusion but I decided that these are important two components of what colloquially people call love. And I felt it, even though I came to such specific thoughts, the definition of it all was diffuse, blurry.

I sighed heavily.

At present, there was no man in the world whom I could trust more than Hyuck. Just like that. I was able to tell him a lot, although this process was blocked by a million defense mechanisms. I wanted him to trust me too and his declared love would be a safe base for me. However, at the same time I was unable to offer this emotional secure base. I tried to do everything to change it - I took medicine regularly, thought about this relationship but nothing changed, I was still fucked up and I knew shit.

"Go to sleep, Minhyuuung," Hyuck mumbled sleepily and quite unexpectedly, spinning around. Along with surprise, my chest felt a chill because of the sudden absence of the boy's body. Lee's voice broke through the silence and overwhelming thoughts unexpectedly.

"How do you know I haven't slept?" after a while I asked in a whisper, moving to him almost automatically. I put arm around the brunet and Hyuck grabbed it limply and sighed heavily at the awakening.

"Oh, shut up now. You breathe differently when you sleep," he muttered irritably, bringing a smile to my lips.

I was still amazed that such trifles of everyday life were quite obvious to him.

♥

**[donghyuck]**

Green.

It's grass color.

I always associated it with spring, rebirth, new buds on trees that gave rise to something - they were reborn after the winter extermination.

Green was somehow hope.

That's why I wasn't going to leave these counters to Steven. I considered green as my happy and favorite color. In addition, I was going to win this round in ludo, so every dice roll and luck forces that turned it were important.

We spread the board on cardboard boxes with the Carl case, who was still alive but actually everything was over. Neither me nor Steven were in any hurry to carry these boxes to the repository. Marco wanted to set an example of Carl to Zayn. We told ourselves that we aren't driven by laziness but practicality. Why go twice, since Zayn may want to read and see the whole thing.

Recently, everything just looked like this - nothing was happening and we played games, cleaned the system every now and then, replaced equipment and listened to Avril Lavigne records from the private collection of the dark lord of the underworld. I wanted to laugh when I compared Steven's image in my head that I had before going down to the basement and what I have now when I see this shadow terror singing _What if you and I just put up a middle finger to the sky? Let them know that we're still rock n roll_ , showing the invisible recipient the middle finger. A very serious man who tortures and kills other people in cold blood. I winced. It is a bit scary, in fact, that a person can have two such different faces.

Suddenly a seed of sunflower bounced off his forehead and fell straight on the board. When I turned around, I saw Mark, who shook head in disbelief, looking at our serious, labour occupation. Steven leaned over to the laptop and stopped the music without feeling embarrassed at all.

"Don't you feel too good here sometimes?" Lee asked, coming closer. I felt the boy's crotch on back when he stood right behind me. I leaned against him, closing eyes.

"Hi," I said quietly, catching the smell of his new perfume from the air. He even changed this small thing after returning from Edmonton. As if wanted to dump literally everything that reminded him of this city. But I also liked this one.

"Hi," whispered, brushing my hair back from the right side of face. After a second, I felt him put something delicate behind my ear to keep too long strands of bangs up. When I reached out to see what it was, he grabbed my wrist in the air, as if was afraid of destroying the effect. "Daisy," he explained quietly, smiling under breath as I leaned back to look at him. "Cutie" wrinkled nose briefly, giving me giggle.

"And who's the cutie here, huh?" I asked, still being shocked at suh behavior. He did such sweet things so seldom and completely unexpectedly that I couldn't get used to them.

"It was just right until you arrived with this terrifyingly foreign to me look of hopeless Romeo," Steven finally answered, knocking a seed of sunflower to the ground. I laughed at his genuinely disgusted face, which Minhyung seemed to understand completely in reverse. I felt the boy's fingers sink into my hair.

"You should be on my side, you shit," he muttered, clenching fist on it and pulling my head back.

"Ouch," I groaned, grabbing him by the wrist. "Well, I am, sweetheart," I laughed, hitting him hard in the hand. "Come on, you're my Romeo, right?" I added gently, hearing heavy sigh as he relaxed grip. I gave boy a questioning look when he gently kissed my forehead. Mark just shook head sideways briefly, letting me know that he prefers to keep things bottled up for next year, as usual, than talk to me about his problems for a few minutes.

"I didn't want to sit alone upstairs and I came down to you," briefly explained his presence, though it wasn't what he wanted to say or what I wanted to hear. "Don't disturb yourself," he added, walking toward the couch.

I exchanged quick looks with Steven and then we both looked at Lee, who put the newspaper on face and for the thousandth time this week decided to pretend that he was going to sleep. 

The closer Zayn arrival was, the more often Mark didn't want to be alone upstairs. We just didn't comment on it. 

There was no point.

♥

**[minhyung]**

Every day I suffocated with the air I breathed. I had the impression that the surface on which I can feel safe is reduced, that fewer and fewer roads stretch before me. One day, Hyuck said he understand my fear and panic, that it's nothing embarrassing, that everyone would react like that in my place. With the fact that Lee probably was completely unaware that I'm not afraid about myself but about him. Zayn couldn't hurt me more - but Donghyuck? Absolutely - as much as possible; directly or indirectly. I could bet it was with such a goal that he would come here among others. To destroy what he once thought was a threat.

The music rumbling in the basement was a shell that seemed to cut us off from the outside world. I felt uncomfortable when Steven suddenly turned it off.

"Are you working at all?" Marco asked and I rolled eyes. I decided to pretend to be very sleepy because I wasn't in the mood to get fucked for doing nothing, although recently there really was nothing serious to do.

"At least you have a nice vibe here," said a familiar-stranger voice. I didn't need too much time to properly match it to a specific person. Literally a second was enough to completely paralyze me. "It's so boring at us that you don't even want to live specially."

_Zayn._

"And what the fuck is he doing there?" Perez sighed irritably. I felt that he wanted to look very good. He would like to present himself as a powerful hell lord who is harsh and scares but for trusted people he has traces of indulgence. This profile looks good. He explained it to me a long time ago but I already forgot five times what a wonderful and knocking effect he saw in it.

"Sleep," replied Donghyuck quickly, though he shouldn't speak at all and knew it well. What a stupid kid. He exhibited himself unnecessarily. I closed eyelids tightly.

"With this music?" Marco asked in surprise on the edge of amusement, which was never a very good sign in his case. Perez's nerves were slowly getting irritated.

"Mark really falls asleep in any conditions," Lee insisted, although no one expected an answer. It was lovely but he voluntarily dug himself a grave. I suspected that he still felt in ribs the last meeting with Marco on unfriendly ground.

"I'm getting up, Jesus," I murmured falsely sleepily, pretending to be irritated that anyone was interrupting my imaginary nap. I pulled the newspaper from face with a heavy and slow hand movement. I sat down slowly on the edge of the couch, combing hair with a careless gesture of hand.

I looked straight into the eyes of my private demon, who looked like I remembered him when I left - joyful, imperious, without a trace of repentance on face, which was always covered with a mask of carefree and disregard, though if you look under it, man would be chaos and a vortex of negative feelings. Zayn gave me a smile of superiority, as if he knew something I didn't know about. He raised eyebrows in greeting.

I hated him.

The more he didn't have redemption in my conscience, when his gaze rested on Donghyuck, who returned it without hesitation. Lee, in his numerous prejudices about Zayn, kept a straight face, while Suskind on the contrary - he was pleased as never before. 

He finally met the guy I had run away from.

He met a guy who unconsciously humiliated him.


	36. A hugging lesson

**[june - september 2020]**

**[donghyuck]**

Our journey to my home passed in grave silence. Minhyung was so lost in his own thoughts that he didn't even notice he hadn't turned on the radio, without which he hardly ever gets in the way. But I didn't pay boy's attention to it and I didn't change that fact myself as well. If Lee needed silence at the moment, he had the full right to it. Minhyung's head probably was complete chaos, which he had to sort out himself. I felt that he clearly didn't want my help today, he didn't want to talk, he didn't want to speak.

I saw Zayn's look at Mark. Down and dirty, almost defiantly, as if he expected a wreck of a man to find here. He didn't find the wreck but was clearly pleased that the black-haired's psyche kept a visible trace of their meeting in Edmonton. That he wasn't forgotten.

As soon as he looked at me, I immediately sensed that Zayn was a damn manipulator. A trained sign of false curiosity, sick interest and a raised eyebrow that meant waiting for mimic reciprocity that he didn't see. 

Suskind has met his match. 

Manipulator has met the manipulator. 

With the subtle difference, - I didn't mindlessly hurt people for my own pleasure. I had the impression that to this boy couldn't be shown any emotions that he could interpret in his fashion. The intensity of Zayn's look gave me the illusory impression that he knows me, that he company me and in some way I'm not a stranger. It was the look of a man who already had some information about me and now finally got the chance to confront the image created on the basis of heard rumors with the real image. I didn't like this impression because I never felt a victim of surveillance without a reason, my feelings always turned out to have a solid foundation. The probability, however, that Marco gave him any information about us was negligible. So why the thrill of horror associated with a lack of sense of anonymity? These thoughts were in my mind until Mark stopped our exchange of silent interest, covering me up with his body.

We stood at the traffic lights. In the empty street, it seemed even more intense than usual. Minhyung sighed heavily, looking at me uncertainly. He gave me a pale smile, which was supposed to provide us a relative sense of normality and security but in my head it only made things worse. It meant that it wasn't good with Mark. It meant Mark was afraid of something. He sealed my feelings when he put hand lightly on my thigh and clamped his fingers on it, as if to make sure I was still sitting right next to him.

"You missed a turn," I noticed quietly after a few minutes of driving.

"Fuck, I'm sorry," he cursed, as if really cared about it.

"It doesn't matter," I assured, shrugging.

"We'll go around," he said, as if I was completely unaware of this possibility, although we knew the area just as well. For some reason, however, Minhyung was worried about me and needed assurance that he was in control of the situation and only he knew the correct solution. I decided not to wake him from this illusion.

"Sure," I replied calmly, as if I trusted completely all his decisions. Actually it was often like that, so I didn't fool myself too much. I trusted Minhyung.

"I'll come for you tomorrow morning," he said seriously as we parked outside my house.

"Okay" I nodded, not seeing any point in discussing with him when he was in that mood. The boy gave me an uncertain look, as if wanted to say something more but didn't know if he could. "Spit it out," I murmured when, apart from exchanging glances, no words followed. Mark let out the air in lungs, then leaned forward and put head on my lap. I frowned in surprise because it wasn't normal behavior on his part. After all, I put hand on his head and began to lightly brush that black hair. "Whatever bothers you so much, it doesn't matter, Hyungie," I whispered gently, diminutive of his name unconsciously. "Don't get crazy over it, okay?" I asked, resting forehead on his nape.

"Mhm," Minhyung murmured, completely accepting my every word. I sighed heavily, drawing a circles with thumb on his back.

"Remember, you can always talk to me, Hyung," I said quietly after a long moment, when the boy still didn't get up to sit down. "Whatever happens in your head right now, you're not alone with this."

♥

**[minhyung]**

_I'm not alone with this._

_Whatever happens in my head._

However, I didn't know what was in my head. I would like to somehow clarify my life fears, give them some body, form, a specific character. For now, however, I was surrounded by slender shades that wrapped every positive thought that arose, killing its brightness.

_I'm not alone with this._

_Whatever happens in my head._

How can I believe it?

I've always been alone with every problem that has arisen in my life. I had to find my own way to solve it. I've never been relying on anyone. It was not so easy to switch and open to the other person as if by magic. I wanted to but I couldn't. It was even hard for me to talk to myself about all these past events that so spontaneously liked to come back to me; talk to myself there, in the head.

I leaned forehead against the cool glass of the shower cubicle. I tried to wash away all this day, Zayn's challenging looks; the way he stared at Hyuck; the way Hyuck stared back.

I punched the thick glass with all my strength, immediately regretting when a terrible pain pierced my arm.

Why did he appear just now?

Just now, when everything started to fall into shape...

There's always something to fuck up.

"You've been sitting here for over an hour, Mark," Isabelle remarked, as usual entering the bathroom completely uninvited.

"Get the fuck off," I simply said, not having the strength to make her more vividly aware of my wanting her to leave me alone today.

"What happened?" she asked, opening the shower cubicle. I gave her an annoyed look. She could never respect my privacy and even now... A quiet sigh came from between my lips.

"Zayn has arrived," I said tiredly, trying to get rid of girl with this casual explanation. But before I could do anything, Izzy had already undressed and got into the shower, sliding the door behind her. "Why you never understand what it means _get the fuck off,_ Isabelle?"

The girl, however, shrugged helplessly and put our lips together.

♥

**[donghyuck]**

After the fourth missed call, I started to run out of cigarette. I sat on the steps in front of the house, wondering where the hell Minhyung was. The fifth phone call was no longer to him. I didn't intend to wait another hour for His Majesty to pick up. He didn't have to declare stupidity and just leave me the fucking car. I wasn't so flakey.

Everything pissed me off a million times more because I knew what I would find in his apartment if I decided to go to him and wake him up. _Relationship of two adults_ , someone said. It is a pity that one of the adult in this relationship still sleeps with someone completely different and brazenly lies that nothing like this does happen.

"Hm?" Steven answered, as usual, in a great mood, with full respect for the interlocutor and exemplary eloquence. However, I didn't even have the strength to mock him.

"Have you left home?" I asked.

"I'm just getting in the car," he said and in the background I heard the sound of the engine starting.

"Would you come for me?"

"Sure. What happened?"

"Mark forgot about me," I shrugged, putting out a cigarette in the driveway.

♥

**[minhyung]**

I woke up strangely rested. I rarely opened my eyes before the alarm clock, so this fact alarmed me a bit. As usual, in such moments, I quickly reached for the phone and saw something on the screen that I didn't want to see there. It was almost nine o'clock and four missed calls from Donghyuck remained without my response.

"Fuck," I cursed, tangling slightly from Isabelle's limbs, which she wrapped around me like a fucking boa snake. I quickly pulled on ass the first better pants, which were just under the bed, dressed yesterday's t-shirt and grabbed the car keys, running out of the apartment like burned. I dialed Lee's number as fast as I could and prayed for him to answer.

"What do you want?" after declining the call for the first time, he asked in a tone that indicated that he was offended, although trying to sound completely natural. I did fuck up, but I counted on any mercy.

"I'm terribly sorry but I overslept," explained quickly, walking through the parking lot. "Are you still home?" A contemptuous snort of disbelief answered me.

"Don't bother, Mark," he said coldly. "I've been at work for a long time."

"I'm really sorry," I admitted honestly, standing still. Around was complete emptiness. There was dead silence on the other side of the phone. "Hyuckie?" I murmured, biting tongue almost immediately. I spoke to him that way only when I either really pissed him off or the matter was dead serious for some other reason. Damn.

"Don't call me like that when I want to be angry with you because I feel bad then," he asked softly and though I wasn't too happy to soften, at least it had a positive effect. "Anyway, I have to finish because some work appeared suddenly, you know," he said, completely normal.

"Okay" I smiled under breath in response. "See you" I said goodbye in a much better mood than I would have suspected.

"That's everything Mark doesn't have, are you crazy?" I heard Steven's incredulous, amused voice as I surreptitiously entered the basement. Immediately afterwards Haechan's loud with laughter in the room.

"Perhaps," he replied calmly and through the eyes of imagination I saw a shrug of his shoulders, this specific movement, when he didn't want to delve further into the subject but he couldn't clearly communicate to someone that he should fuck off. I stood still for a while, hoping to find out what they were talking about before I came but I didn't get the chance. Steven probably understood Hyuck's body language very well and left the topic.

"Marco calls you for a moment," I said, approaching them all along the length of the room. The man muffled music on laptop and looked back.

"Hi, I didn't hear you coming in," greeted, picking up some files from the pile he had prepared. Donghyuck didn't even look up from the notes he was writing. It meant that boy either knew I was standing there or he was still manifesting offended state. Knowing him, it was actually both. In the end, Steven left us alone and the air didn't become any lighter. I stood uncertainly behind Hyuck, watching as he scraped the rows of letters firmly.

"Why are you so quiet?" he murmured finally but without much interest. As if disappointed that I didn't go out with our friend. I don't think things've worked out well between us lately. I knew it was my fault.

"What was he talking about?" I finally asked, knowing perfectly well that he knew what I was asking. Nevertheless, Hyuck looked at me in surprise, casually turning toward on the chair.

"What _what was he talking about_?" he raised eyebrows, clicking the tip of the pen.

"Steven" I said briefly. We looked at each other for a moment without major emotions or tense expectations. We both knew what was going on, there was no secret.

"Don't worry about that," he finally said calmly.

"Donghyuck..." I shook head, letting him know that I wasn't asking the question to get such a useless answer. The boy rolled eyes.

"He asked me about the ideal of a guy, that's all," he shrugged. "Don't take it personally, ideals don't exist, do they?" he smiled mockingly.

"What was that?" I thought about it. I wanted to know, even if it hurts. I needed to know that. "What are these features?" I repeated when the answer still didn't come.

"Stop it, it's just plain stupid" he waved a hand dismissively at me and stared at the ceiling.

"Don't treat me like that, Hyuck," I said firmly, a little warningly.

"But these are..." he muttered helplessly, halting halfway.

"Features I don't have, I know," I whispered in pain. "I've heard that much."

"Hyungie..."

"The question is indeed why you're with me, since I am the antithesis of your ideal," I remarked in a strangely calm voice. I hoped in my heart that Donghyuck would deny it. He always did that - he minimized my tension and doubts. He consoled. He did it so often that I began to expect it every time. The boy, however, turned back to the desk and began to stack documents scattered on the counter. A strange, unidentified anxiety broke into my heart.

"Interesting, right?" he finally muttered under breath. I didn't expect that. "I'd like to know the answer too," sighed heavily, putting the pen aside. He rubbed eyes slowly with the back of hand, blinking several times. Finally looked at me tiredly. "It's not like I didn't know the way you are, when we made decision to be in relationship, Minhyung," he said, shaking head. "Sure, I can list you these qualities - romantic, tender, warm, caring, faithful, devoted," he shrugged, folding fingers. "And what will it give you that I name them?" he asked in a full of grievances voice that I was starting such a stupid topic at all. "Suddenly you will become like this? Will you start trying? Will you stop fucking Isabelle behind my back and pretend you don't?"

"Donghyuck..."

"What, you want to deny it again?" he smiled sourly, raising an eyebrow. "You'd better just shut up and stop making a clown of yourself," he said directly and brutally. And he was right. "You're not bettering your situation. I'm pissed at you anyway," Donghyuck sighed in resignation and turned back to desk, going back to some notes.

I had no idea how to answer him. This topic has been hanging between us for some time and not expired. Emotionally, I neither understood him nor knew how to respond constructively. I looked at hands for a long moment, wondering what to do because Donghyuck had already said his thing and I knew that if I didn't take the initiative myself, I might as well leave because by the end of the day there was no chance of interaction between us.

I walked slowly to Steven's chair and sat down reluctantly. I bit lip, moving closer to Donghyuck. The boy's fingers nervously plucked a hole on knee in pants. I sighed heavily, grabbing his hand gently. I didn't want to be the cause of the mood he was in now.

"But I can try, right?" I asked uncertainly. I didn't want to argue. Since the arrival of Zayn, everything has been fucking up, as if subconsciously fulfilling Suskind's wish for the desire for my misery. I needed Donghyuck. Without him, nothing had a chance to repair itself.

"Stop cheating on me?" he still asked in the same offended tone of voice. I closed eyes. I felt that this shitty Isabelle thing would follow us forever. The scale of the problem wasn't even as big as he painted it. There was nothing between me and her. "Sure, I'd be pleased," he laughed sarcastically, shaking head in disbelief. "Just don't get tired of trying constantly because you will pull a muscle."

"You know what I mean" I quickly returned to the subject, ignoring the issues of loyalty. For me it was just sex. I couldn't explain it to him otherwise. Hyuck in response, however, unexpectedly threw a pen on the desk and looked at the ceiling, wanting to calm the rage I have recently aroused in him. "Hyuckie..."

"Sure you can," he said, sighing heavily. "Another question is whether you will feel good about it. Forced tenderness will hurt me much more than the lack of it," explained his point of view, entwining our fingers with each other. I covered the top of his hand with mine.

"I don't want to force it," I said quite honestly. Forcing also required energy, implied malaise and remorse. I wanted to be good to Donghyuck narurally. I secretly wanted a day where he would appreciate me when I achieved it. "You just have to help me," I added, reminding him indirectly that he had promised not to leave me. He promised to fix me. "I don't know what you want from me if you don't talk about it," I explained when boy was still silent, staring at me with that aching look I honestly hated. I felt as if I was only constantly hurting him and giving nothing positive in return. "What should I do? How to start?" I asked and Hyuck smiled, slowly grabbing my face. Brunet ran thumbs over my cheeks, wandering thoughtfully. Finally, he gently brushed my hair and kissed forehead.

"Keep your dick in pants and not in her cunt," he whispered coldly, patting me lightly on the cheek, then stepped back and stood up, taking the documents he had prepared for himself from the desk. I leaned back in chair, sighing heavily. Donghyuck passed me on the way to the cupboards in the corner of the room. I looked after him for a long time, beginning to wonder how to get out of this strange triangle in which I functioned. I would have to get Izzy out of the apartment but it wasn't possible at the moment. I didn't propose her a shared flat to evict her now. And when a girl starts getting to me, there is rarely a way to stop it. I was going to do something about it, sure. Donghyuck has always been the most important for me, he has always been a priority but I just didn't know yet how to get over it.

"I'll take care of it," I promised when he came back, facing me with arms crossed. "I don't know how yet but I'll take care of it..." I murmured uncertainly, completely softening under his hard eyes. We looked at each other for a moment and finally Hyuck sighed helplessly and rolled eyes.

"Hug me," he said, spreading arms. I looked at him askance.

"Just like that?" I was surprised by the sudden change in dynamics.

"Yes, just like that," he replied, as if I was nit-picking at a push. I swallowed hard.

"Okay," shrugged as I approached him. "Nothing difficult," I whispered with ever-diminishing bravado. "People hug all the time..."

"Exactly," Donghyuck confirmed, waving arms outstretched like bird wings. "Faster, they'll wither soon" he urged me. I winced, placing hands on his shoulders. After a moment of reflection, I moved them to the boy's hips.

"Done?" I asked uncertainly.

"Until I stop feeling every muscle in your body - no," he muttered indistinctly in my shoulder. "Relax," slapped my butt. "Somehow you can do it in bed."

"In bed is different" I moaned, really mentally suffering. Finally, I felt Donghyuck move closer to me. Our bodies clung to each other, Hyuck's head was resting on my chest and his hands embraced me around the waist.

"Do the same," he whispered warmly, giving me a strange peace. I felt like my emotions were safe with him. It probably was the same with the rest. I put arms around Hyuck tighter, kissing him in the top of head, where I put cheek. I breathed deeply, relaxing completely. I could feel Donghyuck's calm heartbeat, his steady breathing, the warmth of his body. I closed eyes, empathizing with what we were doing and had to admit that I really liked it. "That's right, Minhyung," he murmured after a moment of blissful silence. "That's what hugging looks like. You're doing well," boy praised me without a trace of mockery, for which I was forever grateful.

"Feels like a handicap," I said simply.

"Because you are a little bit that way," Hyuck replied straightforwardly but I didn't blame him.

"I know..." sighed heavily, putting mouth against his head. "I know it perfectly," I said, fully accepting that I was a severe and emotionally tragic case. "So you like to cuddle?" I made sure.

"A lot" smiled, squeezing me harder to emphasize the level of preference for this kind of activity.

"Okay, we can do it more often," I agreed. "You're quite nice to touch," I admitted playfully and Hyuck started laughing.

"I'm glad you like me," he said a little mockingly, making me smile too.

"What's next?" I asked.

"Don't charge," he slapped me down. "Today is a hug day," he explained. "Learn one well first."

"I'll do that," I promised.


	37. Self-hate

**[september 2020]**

**[donghyuck]**

When the error message still appeared on the monitor after three hours of constant fixing efforts, I came to the conclusion that there was no more reason to fight this damn machine. I had no idea how old this computer was but it was definitely the oldest of them all here, and, as mistakenly claimed, indestructible. This posed a certain threat to the entire network that merged our database but Steven seemed to be terribly sentimental in this respect and couldn't take this equipment to pieces.

"I'm sorry man but I don't think any care treatments will help here anymore," I said, trying to sound a bit like an empathetic friend who feels sorry for his friend.

"Well," the man sighed heavily, resting hands on hips. "You tried," he murmured, implicitly thanking me for efforts. I nodded in confirmation. We stood in silence, looking at the old computer in the corner of the room. I felt a bit like at some weird funeral, where it was time to honor the victim with a minute of silence and maybe even a spontaneous tear rolling symbolically down the cheek. I pretended to sympathize with Steven and unite in mourning but I was a bit awkward. Perhaps that's why I was happy when Zayn entered the room - unannounced. Although, in fact, it was a bittersweet satisfaction.

"Hey," he said unsurely, which surprised me. Bravado and Suskind's sense of superiority always written on face were now hidden somewhere. The boy entered slowly, closing the door behind. Without guard and company he seemed tiny and meek. I felt bad thinking like that when I compared this impression to the hard evidence that put Zayn in a completely different light. I had the impression that feeling a bit of sympathy towards him, I was cheating on Mark, who wouldn't like my thoughts at all. I would even be inclined to say that he'd have bumped me off if he could read them.

"You can't just walk in here like that," Steven said coldly, without giving in to the delusion.

"Marco sent me," he explained quickly. In the end, the man aroused respect, it couldn't be hidden.

"In order to?" my friend was surprised, quite skeptical. And indeed, it was quite unusual behavior even for the unpredictable Perez.

"Should I help Haechan in carrying some boxes to the archive?" he asked uncertainly, looking for an ally in me. I decided to free him from Steven's thunderous look, although for such a nasty mutilation of my nickname he should immediately go to this basement the next floor below.

"Ah yes..." I muttered under breath, as if I had just remembered it and as if it was something very important. I rubbed neck, looking reluctantly at the stack of cardboard boxes that lay against the wall. "We really have to do it," I admitted with heartache. I didn't really feel like running with boxes all over the warehouse, especially since I was planning to go to Minhyung in few minutes. After all, some pleasures in the face of this kind of work were rather side motives and I had to acknowledge the superiority of these boxes in the hierarchy over the need to satisfy the desires of a foolish heart.

"I'll open the door for you," Steven sighed, having to acknowledge his anger as irrelevant to orders in advance, though I knew he would gladly argue with someone about it. He came to work this morning with this combat attitude. Any time it seemed that if someone would upset him, he wouldn't even wonder and just hit him today. There were also such days in our lives. We had to accept it if we wanted to cooperate harmoniously.

Steven entered the door code for us, which only he knew for safety. It didn't bother me at all because it meant less responsibility for me and less concern with unnecessary numbers. The man underpinned the door with a chair and gave me a questioning, long look. I shrugged. I knew he had a meeting with Marco and averagely likes the idea of leaving us alone but what could he do? I winked with a smile to cheer him up. I won't die here. Zayn would rather not do anything to me in our area. He would have to be an idiot because he wouldn't have left alive - this is quite a logical conclusion, which probably also reached Steven this second because he inhaled heavily and nodded in silent acceptance and then blew through.

"I think you get along well, huh?" Suskind asked, lifting one of the cartons. His curiosity wasn't ironic but rather authentic. At least I didn't sense any falsehood in it and I was terribly sensitive to it.

"Yes, quite good," I admitted calmly, entering the back room first. The magazine was huge. By the size of our small basement, no one would even expect that behind its side door there could be a room the size of a huge market hall. This conviction was confirmed by the quiet _fuck_ that came out from between Zayn's lips. I smiled under breath.

"How old are you?" he asked after a long silence as we walked between the shelves with the second round of boxes. I sensed a series of questions about the increasing level of privacy. Pretty fast for people who don't know each other. He shouldn't care. He came here for purposes other than creating employee profiles.

"Twenty."

"Studies?" he said friendly, making a grimace on my lips.

"High school," I explained. "I missed two years," admitted bitterly, though I didn't think it hurt that much until I heard that question. I felt a bit like an idiot who can't even finish fucking high school. "And you?" I asked, wanting to change the subject. In fact, I didn't care much. Education was just a sensitive topic for me. "How old are you?

"Twenty-seven" laughed, as if embarrassed by the fact that he was seven years older than me, although he was actually very young. I just didn't really fit this place with my age.

"Since you're from Canada, you probably speak a little French, huh?" I asked, sliding the file onto the shelf.

"Little," he admitted, duplicating my movements.

"Cool" I said quite honestly. "I've always wanted to learn it."

"You know... It's never too late," he said, smiling convincingly. I wanted to reciprocate it back but felt instead that some strange grimace was coming out, as if I had to go to the toilet quickly, so I stopped trying and moved forward, sighing quietly.

"Maybe," I murmured without much conviction. The truth was that it was too late for me with many things.

♥

**[?]**

When he entered the room, it immediately got colder. At least I thought so. 

Eternally controlled. 

Eternally icy and chilly. 

Eternally beautiful. 

Breathtaking - it was out of the question.

Mark Lee - a man without a smile, a man without emotions, a man who doesn't notice my existence.

I don't remember when exactly my fascination with him began, when the climax of my pathological infatuation started. All I know is that he was never spoken of well down there, everyone was afraid of him. However, this information meant nothing to me. Mark wasn't here when I was recruited. For me he was a character from tale, a hero of a very cruel and bloody legend about a soulless boy who was able to give the other person nothing but suffering. I didn't think I would ever meet him, that I would ever see him.

Now he passed by me indifferently, imperturbably, not noticing me. It has been like that for many months. I watched him from a distance, sometimes even up close but Mark's eyes were always passing through - as if I wasn't here, as if I didn't exist.

I still remember our first meeting. It was summer, a year ago, a week after he returned. It is not known where he stayed all the time away from the mafia. At least we didn't know it, which allowed the unconscious employees to create incredible stories, each of them seemed even more unbelievable than its predecessor. I was slowly finishing the month of my probationary period as Mr. Perez's bodyguard. At the table sat the boss, his girlfriend, Mark and some other important people connected with the smuggling routes. Mark didn't speak very often. In general, he gave the impression that his thoughts were in a completely different place. I remember one of the strangers who was telling a funny story which punchline led the whole table to a tearful, compulsive laugh. The whole table except Mark. While the cheeks of the assembled were covered with a blush of amusement and the teeth couldn't stop chattering to the beat of a broad joke, Lee didn't shed his cool mask of unaffected psychopath for a second. The boy's lack of reaction embarrassed the others. Someone threw a short _What's with him?_ at the table but they got such a cold look from the addressee that table immediately fell silent and the business topics started, putting the shallow humor aside.

I was impressed that he didn't pretend to be someone else, he didn't feel obliged to play a false role just because he was surrounded by a lot of important, mafia personalities. Even Mr. Perez respected the fact that his friend didn't feel like joking.

Another thing was that Mark just never smiled. No one has ever seen it, no one has ever been able to make him laugh, no one dared approach him. The chill was so prominent that it felt as if just coming into contact with his skin was something deadly. I don't think Lee was close to anyone, he looked like a loner and that took me over. I set a goal to make a smile on his lips, become something important to him, change this cold heart into something that beats and not just hangs unmoved. I wanted him to pay attention to me, although I had absolutely no idea how to approach him, how to beg for a second of attention.

The men sat together at the table in silence, clearly waiting for someone. They didn't talk, looking out the window to the garden behind the restaurant. We had September now, we also witnessed the end of splendor of this picture. Mark absorbed it quietly, clearly drifting in the sea of own thoughts. His hands rested calmly in a tangle of fingers at belly height. Traditional composure didn't seem to leave him for a second. I began to wonder what he looked like when someone upset him. If that was possible at all, I probably didn't want to experience it.

"He's four minutes late," he said calmly, not taking heyes off the sun-drenched peonies. He sat up so that I could clearly see face and lips that moved almost imperceptibly. "I hate when he does it," man added in exactly the same tone.

"You know Steven," Mr. Perez sighed, glancing at watch. "He must have a reason if he's not here yet."

_Steven._

A cold shiver went down my back. Was today the day when I would see another mysterious, dark figure of our company with my own eyes? Everyone was afraid of him. He earned himself fame and hearing among the people down below with his brutality and soullessness. Everyone around him called the Bloody Lord of the Cellar. None of us have ever seen him before. There were rumors that if you were ever to see him, it would be just before you died.

"Sory for the hold-up," he said, walking calmly into a room hidden in the corner. My heart skipped a beat because I didn't register the moment he appeared. A noiseless man, a ghost man. They taught us the same at training but no one has ever managed to achieve this level of invisibility.

"You ran, I see," Mark remarked with clear irony, of which he was probably a master.

"I was in such a hurry to see your scabby face that I almost broke my legs on the stairs," Steven replied lightly, sitting down next to the boss and back to me. Lee said nothing, showing only middle finger.

"It got kinder right away," Mr. Perez said wryly and I thought it was going to be a really interesting exchange of words. "Zayn appeared?"

"He did, I just don't understand why you sent him to us," Steven was surprised, sipping water from the glass on the table.

"I wanted to get rid of him to raise some important issues with you," he answered seriously. "And he's always somewhere under my feet. And not everything is meant for their ears. Guests and allies are one thing but the company is another. "

"If you tell me that you left him alone with Haechan, I think I will tear your balls out," Mark said suddenly in another strange voice that I had never heard in his life. Lee's face was dominated by the expression of real anger and his eyes were furious with rage.

_Who was Haechan?_ In fact, a good question, because absolutely no one knew it. I heard about him only by name. Nobody has ever seen him, nobody knows anything about him. However, this ignorance was of a completely different nature than that of the men present here. Haechan is a person with no authority, no body, no name. Haechan is the personification of nothing. I was surprised then that Mark reacted so violently, mentioning him. It was at least puzzling.

"Tear it out," Steven replied. "Because I just did it."

"Are you serious, Steve?" He asked. "There are all our documents, all important information. After all, Zayn is fucked up. "

"You're fucked up too and somehow I'm not keeping you and Hyuck apart," the man remarked calmly.

"Don't start..." warned Mark coolly.

"Fuck, you started it yourself!" he was irritated suddenly. Either he was choleric by nature, or today's pressure clearly didn't favor him.

"Shut the fuck up," growled Mr. Perez. "My head has already started to hurt from your barking. Can we deal with really important matters? I dare say that Donghyuck will do very well and your fucking at the moment is completely unnecessary. "

"You took it out of my mouth!" Steven stated theatrically, patting Mr. Perez on the back. It was this degree of intimacy that made me aware of the gulf that separates us - ordinary people who are passed over, from them - power identified with money and brutality.

"And take this hand because if I'll punch you, Mark won't have to do it and he looks like he wants," muttered the boss calmly, without a hint of anger, as if all the sympathy he had for the men sitting at the table did his aggression only at passive dimension. "I ordered this meeting to discuss a very important event with you. Next month..."

However, I didn't listen anymore. I focused on Mark and how he looked at the moment. It has always been fascinating to me because Lee's current expression showed that his emotional side exists somewhere but he needs a proper catalyst. However, I wondered why he got angry so much. Why did he care about Haechan, who means nothing to anyone here?

Lee's thoughts have always been an eternal mystery to everyone. I even heard Mr. Perez say to his girlfriend that he had no idea what is going on in his head, that he can't figure it out. The truth seemed to be that Mark just didn't want to let anyone in his head, no one else had the chance to access the deeply hidden nooks of his consciousness. That is why I had to find a way to be the first - the one who would break the resistance and get permission to cross the indestructible barrier of Mark's fortress and explore his dark mind.

♥

**[donghyuck]**

As soon as Steven returned from the meeting, I quickly passed him and went straight to Minhyung. Zayn left me with very unpleasant thoughts and I hoped that at Mark's I would change point of view. I didn't want to torment myself anymore that I didn't achieve anything in my life and didn't even promise that I would ever achieve anything. All my previous life issues seemed to me sterile, dull and meaningless. Still work, work and only work from which I could not escape for even a second. I was sitting in a prison that bounded my freedom with its bars. I had Minhyung but what connected us was not even close to normalcy, not to mention the ideal. But it was something there and I kept on going with that thought, entering to the boy as usual without knocking.

"Hey," I said, hugging a briefcase with documents on chest. I didn't want anyone to think that I came here for social purposes, not for work purposes.

"You have a very good mood," he said grimly, standing back to me. "Had a pleasant morning?" he asked bitingly, spoiling rest of all the good mood I had. Hoping that at least black-haired would somehow help to improve it was apparently pointless. He seemed to have a bad day again and decided to make mine this way too. _Toxic asshole_ , I thought, lowering arms from helplessness.

"Shall I cry when I come to you?" I asked irritably. Minhyung turned to me with anger painted on his dispassionate snout. I swear that I have recently begun to match him in sick rage. Could it never be okay? Always had to screw this up? "Why are you so mad at me, like I've killed your mother with a slipper?" I asked.

"Don't come the acid..." he warned.

"Can't you be happy to see me at least once?" I asked reproachfully, throwing a briefcase on his desk with a fury that I wouldn't even suspect of myself. There was a moment's silence in the room.

"What do you mean now?" he asked stupidly, probably not being able to get to the bottom of the problem.

"Nothing. Really. Fucking. Nothing," I sighed in resignation, giving him a tired look. "Keep sitting here alone if you're so comfortable. I'm going back to Steven," I murmured reluctantly. That's all for bettering my mood for today. All I have to do now is shoot myself in the head. Even my guy sucked.

"Don't make scenes, Donghyuck," he said, without even trying to change the tone. "I can't be forever smiling because you want to," he said quite seriously, astounding me with the absurdity of words and the roughness of the way he spoke them.

"Wow..." I laughed in disbelief, focusing his gaze on myself. "If you would smile once in the last few months, it would be great, you know?" I said calmly, trying not to bend under his cool black gaze. I didn't know what had happened to him lately but I felt like literally strangling him. Zayn is Zayn, but nothing could justify his last possessiveness, rudeness and icy attitude towards me. And how I was supposed to carry the two of us, since I didn't have any support in this moron. "Fuck you," I whispered, not knowingly. I guess I just really wanted to tell him this for some time but I was just too scared. Fear of Lee was not surprising. Black-haired had a lot of things that anyone could get scared of, I was no exception but I've gone too far in words to withdraw from them. "I'm sick of you," I added finally, grabbing the door handle blindly.

However, Mark's reaction was rapid. The boy slammed the door faster than I could open it wider. There was a bang across the corridor that matched the gunshot. Minhyung turned the key in the lock, pressing me violently against the door. I closed eyelids tightly, breathing quickly. I felt heart want to get out of chest under the influence of shock. My ears still rang with this sudden noise and I couldn't resist reflex of hand curl. Subconsciously, I knew Minhyung wouldn't have hit me but I was ashamed to admit that I didn't have 100% certainty in my heart.

I don't know how much time we stood there when I finally dared to open my eyes. It couldn't be a long moment, considering that Mark's eyes were still full of anger almost equal to the madness he rarely fell into. I had to upset him unearthly but we couldn't live like that anymore. Steven once told, after first serious quarrel with my lovely boyfriend, that verbalization of unpleasant and explicit truth is not the best solution in conversation with Mark. His reaction today only confirmed it as usual. However, I couldn't keep my mouth shut when something irritated me to the point where words were missing and gestures could not express much more.

When the boy grabbed my hand and pulled it away from chest, I already knew that the worst wave of his fury began to slowly subside. Mark's eyes softened and anger changed into guilt so clearly that it took my breath away. He knew he was doing wrong. But I was perfectly aware that he wouldn't admit it aloud in life. These were some of the usual patterns of his behavior that I was slowly able to remember. Minhyung's personality was so complex that it became a kind of science. Step by step, chapter by chapter and maybe someday something will come out of it, that's how I explained it to myself.

I touched his cheek slowly, not realizing how much my hand was shaking until I saw it myself. The boy didn't miss this detail as well but at least he kept so much tact in himself to pretend that he was not so smart to catch similar nuances. Minhyung gave me an apologetic look because he was able to convey similar messages only in this form and way. Otherwise he couldn't, as if his vocal cords were not able to vibrate when verbalizing his feelings.

I took advantage of the fact that our faces were divided by some silly millimeters and I kissed him gently, thus answering as silently as I received the silent question of forgiveness. Sometimes I had the impression that it would look like this - our whole life together, if any in the future will exist. Slightly aggressive, distant and silent. 

In a word, a tragedy that I could not free myself from. 

I wanted Mark like I never wanted any other guy in my life. He could hurt me, push me away and cheat on me and I still clung to him and came back. I felt that sooner or later it would lead to my loss but when the man's lips only pressed mine more sharply, I couldn't even consider the scenario that included our parting.

I moaned loudly as Minhyung got to my pants and began blindly unbuttoning his shirt. I've never understood how in such a simple and quick way you can go from a quarrel, in which almost comes to battery, to have sex. However, no one said we were mentally balanced. There was a deeply rooted anomaly in each of us.

The collision of my back with Mark's desk was accompanied by the sound of a few things coming into close contact with the floor. I was surprised that no one was disturbed by all the noise that was coming from here.

"Wait, wait, wait" I whispered, completely breathless, taking a moment from the boy's mouth.

"What is?" he asked gently in a low voice, his hands tightening on my bare thighs. He laughed softly as I pulled the sharpener from under back.

"What so funny?" I asked, not quite understanding what amused him that much.

"Nothing," he replied, trying to remain serious.

When he entered me, I realized that it's been a long time since we had sex last time. There was still no time to meet and if we had already met, surprisingly, none of us had the mood for more advanced romanticism. 

Another thing was how this sex looked like. There were days when it wasn't pleasant at all; sometimes Minhyung even interrupted intercourse in the middle or was unable to come through an excess of strange thoughts that he didn't want to share with me. I assured him that everything was okay and it's happening to everyone from time to time. After all, we didn't have to fuck constantly to spend time together. But the frequency with which he came out of me during intercourse, unable to bring it to an end, began to be disturbing. I had no idea whether to start worrying or wait a little longer.

From the perspective of what our relationship looked like, maybe bed was too conventional place for sex. We definitely needed something like a hard desk at work. Routine is boring. Routine is for nerds and normal people. Today's routine no longer excites anyone. I couldn't help myself and because of such ironic thoughts, I laughed at Mark's face in the kiss.

"Are you completely insane?" he asked with amusement, entering me with all his might. I shouted loudly, almost immediately biting hand. We only lacked that someone would come here now. I clenched fingers on the edge of the desk, tilting head back hard. Someday I'll go crazy because of him.

"Everyone will go insane with you one day," I panted with a sigh, clenching eyelids tightly when Minhyung pulled me closer, throwing my leg over his shoulder.

All our fun for agreement after a strange quarrel didn't last too long. We both came rather quickly, suppressing mutual cries of climax with lips tightly pressed together. We breathed shallowly, quickly and spasmodically fighting for each subsequent breath. To be honest, I was down. The whole day finished me off mentally and brutal sex with Mark only completed the act of destruction on my physicality. I looked Lee straight in the eye, dipping fingers into his hair. Blush on the boy's face after intercourse was for me one of the most beautiful things that happened to us in this relationship. Such small signs of his deeply hidden humanity that didn't have the slightest chance of being externalized under normal conditions of daily routine. One of the reasons I loved him so much...

"I hate you sometimes," I whispered quite seriously, as if in my own thoughts I had not confessed love to him a second ago. The boy looked at me closely and sadness flashed in his eyes. However, it was only a fraction of a second - soon after it was replaced by so familiar to me nothingness. We looked at each other for a long time in complete silence, as if we were learning our features again and again, as if we were seeing it today in a completely new light. 

Finally, Minhyung buried face in the hollow of my neck, saying something that for a long time couldn't leave my head.

"I hate myself too."


	38. The Hyacinth myth

**[september 2020]**

**[minhyung]**

_I ran through_ _a forest._

_A_ _forest_ _dark and subconsciously threatening._

_A forest I knew perfectly well._

_A forest I only knew from stories and nightmares._

_Now I was in it again, running away from the shadows without any specific form or shape. I knew that this shadow actually took a human form that couldn't leave me - as befits the specter of the past._

_I wanted to break free from the surrounding snare, being fully aware that my current situation is just another product of sick imagination. Whispers of unconsciousness that in some strange way burst into what was on the surface. I had the impression that the faster I run away from it, the sooner I catch up with it, wanting to devour alive._

_It was a game where I always failed. I wanted to bring it to an end, get out of the maze in which I wandered every night looking for a solution. I began to doubt that such a solution exists. I knew that until I could deal with this problem, it would grow, destroying what I was currently trying to build._

_I leaned back heavily on the huge bough, trying to catch my breath. I knew I had to run, run ahead, though my breath was really shallow. I had to do it to finally get out of here and start living normally._

_"It'll finally get you, Mark," I heard a familiar voice echoing in space. "It will eventually get you. And destroy. "_

When I sprang out of bed, instead of the dark forest, I was greeted by the twilight of the New York bedroom. I sighed in disbelief, looking through the safe and familiar space. Years went by and I still couldn't get rid of the shock that always accompanied me with a sudden return to reality. I rubbed face with sleepy terror and turned head to the side. I noticed immediately the worried look of Donghyuck, who was sitting right next to me, his hand on my lap. Lee's eyes watched me carefully in the dark and, though I couldn't tell with no light at all, they were warm and worried. I took a deep breath, resting forehead on the boy's shoulder, trying to calm accelerated breath.

"Bad dream again?" he asked softly, gently combing my hair again and again. I nodded slowly, closing eyelids. I felt a bit like a child who must find solace in mother's arms after every nightmare. Strangely enough, however, I felt quite well with it. I was glad that sometimes I could hug someone and not just be alone with it all. Hyuck's presence encouraged me more than I would have ever admit. But the brunet knew this very well and silently accepted the fact that I couldn't speak about similar matters out loud. At least he accepted it for now.

"I was screaming?" I asked after a long silence, kissing his shoulder slowly.

"Terribly" he confirmed calmly, gently drawing a circle on my neck with his finger. I straightened up slowly, giving him a weary look. I felt a little awkward with the thought that I was wasting sleep for both of us. Although Donghyuck has never complained about it, he certainly didn't enjoy the night. "Would you like to talk about it?" he proposed subtly. I knew that he wanted me to finally open up to him and I would definitely do it if I could. Somehow my heart was still paralyzed by helplessness and blocked my mind at the level of making rational decisions. We were both big and mature - we were both accepting and experienced in life. So what was the problem? Where and how deeply did this insurmountable blockade take root? Donghyuck was the only person I would ever be able to open up myself to but just not yet. I still couldn't.

"No," I replied quietly, though the boy knew the answer well before he asked the question. I kissed the brunet slowly in bare skin next to the collarbone "Everything is okay" I assured him with a stable voice. Because it really was. Somehow I could compose, embrace and calm down myself. I didn't understand how it all happened, because even with my own mother or Isabelle I wasn't able to relax as much as with Hyuck. He just worked on me like that.

"For sure?" boy asked with concern, ineptly concealing a yawn. I laughed, shaking head from side to side.

"After all, it's just a dream," I said completely without conviction. Donghyuck, however, was rather too tired to catch it and nodded only a few times as a sign that he understood and all in all I was right, then fell heavily on the pillow and probably fell asleep immediately.

I looked out the window at the dark view of the city, which seemed to be engulfed in the night but it shone with the reflected light of lamps, buildings and billboards. At times like this, I realized how much I would like to go back to this house in Norfolk, sit by the fire and look at the sky, being able to see stars instead of the fume dust obscuring the horizon. I wanted to go back to Norfolk with Hyuck, try to shape my life there and cut myself off from the toxic world of the mafia. However, these were just ordinary dreams that I had somehow dared to possess. I knew I shouldn't, that I would probably die before thirty at the hands of Marco, the police or one of the mafia competitors. However, since I met Donghyuck, I couldn't stop it, I couldn't stop dreaming. Hyuck was my biggest, if not the only weakness, which I was becoming more and more afraid of every day.

I looked at the calm face of the boy, wondering where we are going, where our end will come and how soon it will come. We lived in secret and behind the curtain, hiding our feelings from others. I didn't want to show that I could be manipulated in any way. My weakness also meant Donghyuck's weakness and posed a threat to him. There were too many people in our world who wanted to get Marco, get me or Steven. I couldn't allow my personal confines to affect his safety in any way. It was better to pretend that he meant nothing to me and it was so damn hard.

I lay down slowly behind the brunet and carefully put arm around him. I felt like my own life was getting out of control lately. I wasn't myself and confusion in my head reached its apogee, making me impossible to live with. I felt sorry for Hyuck for having to deal with me and struggle.

I felt sorry for him that he wanted to struggle anyway.

♥

**[donghyuck]**

Minhyung said it was only a dream but he didn't sleep all night. I wasn't able to do so either. When I finally squinted my eyes for a few moments, the coldness of the previously heated bed woke me up again. The boy stood by the window and looked at the city, drowning in his thoughts that led him to god knows what conclusions. I rubbed sleepy eyes, sighing heavily. Cigarette smoke hovered around Mark's naked body, creating the unpleasant feeling of something thick and heavy. I watched him for a while from a distance, slowly glancing along the line of his figure. I couldn't resist the illusory impression that day by day he faded fast more and more. It was probably a matter of light or simply the position in which he stood. He ate completely normally and I had no reason to believe that he had lost so much weight. In spite of everything, he has been mentally deteriorating lately, which automatically resulted in the fact that I saw him as someone very fragile.

I got up slowly from the bed, bettering the shirt on my stomach. I didn't understand how one can live this way - agonizing, corking up feelings and every possible problem, reliving some part of the past that is only known to him. It was unhealthy, incorrect. It destroyed a man from the inside. I approached Mark, almost dragging legs behind out of weariness and fatigue. We both were supposed to appear at work tomorrow. Given that I had to spend the whole day at the computer again, I couldn't imagine it without at least one short nap somewhere on the basement sofa.

"Hyungie," I whispered sluggishly, reproaching him a bit. A loud sigh came from the boy's mouth.

"I know, I know," he murmured wearily, as if we had already gone through it a million times before. I leaned forehead heavily on his chest and boy hugged me tightly, puffing smoke just above my head.

♥

**[minhyung]**

"Has it never put you in any complexes?" Donghyuck was surprised. I shrugged. On average, I just didn't care. "These kids can do things in the kitchen that we never dreamed of," he said with pride, as if he had begotten one of these Junior Mastechefs himself.

"I mean..." I murmured, unable to respond in any special way. I really didn't care. "Well, it's cool that they can do it," I finally stuttered out. "I think" added after a while, not knowing what boy's face is now. We walked slowly down the corridor, Hyuck's face was masked and head hooded.

"Okay," he muttered with amusement, giving up on the subject. I was grateful for that. I didn't like to talk about cooking because I couldn't cook myself. Donghyuck had a little different experience. He was able to do a little more in the kitchen than scrambled eggs or toast.

"Do you want to come to me tonight?" I asked after a moment of silence. "Izzy won't be here again."

"I have a tattoo then," he said, glancing at me briefly.

"Are you sure?" I asked calmly. We talked about it once but I didn't think it would ever work. If he wanted, it was only his decision. The look of his back disturbed him so I didn't even have the right to oppose it. I wanted to. I liked him the way he is. He didn't have to change anything for me. "Where exactly?" I asked when he nodded slowly in confirmation.

"On the ass," Boy stated bitterly, as if asking questions about the obvious matter. Maybe I asked. Sense of humor was clearly in his favour today. Somehow I was in the mood as well. It was a nice and sunny September day. We came to work today on foot and even if we were to spend the rest of the day underground, it was a good start.

"Ah, I understand this is for me," I joked. "That I could admire it in all glory" I whispered in his ear, kissing quickly on the neck and the boy instinctively punched me in the shoulder.

"How stupid you are sometimes," he laughed in disbelief. I spread arms aside, shaking head helplessly as if I couldn't stop it anymore.

"Oh, midget," I sighed, putting arm around him. "What would you do without me?"

♥

**[?]**

For a second I felt like I heard his laughter. I wasn't sure if it was possible and it was hard for me to verify and describe the sound I had never heard before. The mere possibility of a similar phenomenon appeared unbelievable.

Mark walked slowly down the corridor in front of us, at one point throwing his arm over a slightly shorter boy with a hood on head. Lee's hand, however, as soon as it got on him, so quickly flowed slowly down, returning back to its original loose position, as if it surrounded the stranger in a gesture of oblivion.

"It's good to see you got out of bed on the right side, boys," Mr. Perez greeted, drawing attention to himself.

I was wrong.

Mark's face was as cool as ever. It had to be the laughter of a boy who showed us only a pair of amber eyes gleaming happily from behind the mask. I was incredibly interested in how to keep serenity at this place. Down there was nothing that could give life a bright color. Unless someone was genuinely amused by human suffering, then indeed - he could laugh to lost of breath. Actually, since he was walking somewhere with Mark, this scenario was very likely. They complemented each other in enjoying the same soulless things.

Suddenly I felt my heart skip a few important beats.

Nobody ever paid attention to us.

We were the background.

We were like air.

That's why when our eyes crossed, I got a big shock because I never had such a thing before. The conviction of my own transparency didn't prepare me for this type of situation. The eyes of a stranger immediately dulled, as if he was just carrying out a quick analysis of me in head and the necessary calculations of the circumstances in which we had seen each other for the first time. I couldn't stop looking at him because his eyes were cruelly mesmerizing and piercing in their own way. Liquid gold. I couldn't describe exactly this feeling - feeling stripped of all secrets. I felt a chilling body cold while at the same time wanting to hold my mask completely indifferent. When the boy spoke, I shuddered because of the contrast that emanated from my imagination about him and the actual state or the appearance created for the moment.

"Extremely nice, September weather," he admitted very warmly and gently, interrupting our specific eye contact. I felt that he knew as much about me as existing information in the world could provide him. I couldn't even describe the feeling exactly. It was pure astonishment that someone had finally noticed me and the sincere fear that someone had actually done it. I realized that this is why this man has no face. He has no face because his task is to observe and elusiveness. Getting to know his identity wouldn't benefit anyone here, although our identities were not new to him.

"Perfect to work," said Mr. Perez categorically, letting everyone know that they are not welcome in this corridor when they make their private time.

"Definitely" admitted a warm voice, giving me one last, long look, as if trying to remember every feature of my face at the end, then turned his back to us and after a moment of calm walk disappeared around the corner.

"Got things to do today, Mark?" the boss asked with a sneer, giving him a puzzling look.

"Yes, definitely," Lee replied stiffly, glancing at Brian and Zayn. I had the impression that the look he gave the latter was much darker than the law of the jungle had envisaged and a bit longer than it should be. "I am not here for anyone today," he added terribly dry, wincing as if the septic tank had struck nearby. It seemed like Mark wasn't very accommodating towards Mr. Perez's guests, which only brought more unanswered questions into my mind.

"That's great," the boss muttered under breath. "Get back to work, finally," he said after a while, more abruptly, when the men still hadn't finished some silent fight over whose sight would kill faster. Finally Mark walked away but in a completely different direction than his office. He went quickly where the boy with amber eyes and a warm voice disappeared.

♥

**[donghyuck]**

I looked calmly at the starry sky, wondering what we have sinned so much in our lives that we cannot enjoy each other in this way every day.

That a trip far out of town is growing to an unbelievable yearly event.

That we can't go for walks holding hands.

That we can't breathe one air freely.

We sat with beers on the bonnet of the car somewhere in a dark, deep forest by the lake - away from humanity. If it wasn't for Marco and his obsessive surveillance of our private life, we would never have discovered this beautiful place. You also had to be able to find positives in life. I felt Minhyung's warm body against mine and imbibing with a calm beating of his heart and steady breathing. In the end, we were together and we didn't have to do anything. 

We didn't have to worry about anything. 

We dindn't have to run anywhere.

"It's getting colder, huh?" I sighed heavily after a long time of pleasant silence. I covered us up with a blanket, cuddling with a boy. I slowly put my feet between his legs.

"Mhm," he murmured softly, gently drawing some patterns on my skin. I looked at the moonbeams dancing on the surface of the lake for a moment and finally closed eyes. I focused on the boy's fingers under my shirt.

"Minhyung..." I began in a whisper, as always uncertain of myself, when I asked him for something.

"Hm?"

"Tell me something," I asked childishly. I didn't want to upset him but at the same time I wanted to get to know him a little better. He guarded even the most banal information of his life like a treasury.

"What exactly?" he laughed suddenly, brushing my hair back from forehead.

"Something about yourself," I said uncertainly, looking up from below.

"About me?" he was surprised as if was at least an open book and had nothing to hide. "Hmm..." he muttered thoughtfully. "But I'm not interesting."

"It doesn't have to be interesting," I assured him. "It can be something boring."

"Let me think then..." he sighed heavily, resting cheek against the top of my head. After a few moments of purring thoughtfully, boy laughed softly under breath. "Once I wanted to be a gardener, did I tell you?" he asked with amusement, taking me closer with arm.

"You didn't" I smiled happily and snuggled to my boyfriend. I liked the days when he gave in to me and finally tell even the least important piece of history that brought nothing to our relationship.

"I really liked helping my grandmother to organize flower beds and arrange seedlings so that after flowering they would form beautiful patterns," he began slowly, still wandering fingers somewhere under my shirt. "Since I was a small child, I went to the huge gardening market with her. She put out there with her succulents. Made wonderful things out of them. She combined small grafts, put them in aquariums, she knocked pots out of wood, painted them, created patterns with a chisel... "

"Kind of art a little" I said, wanting to be responsive. I wanted to get as much out of him as possible before he'll close in a shell again.

"A little," he admitted, sipping a beer from the bottle. According to the agreement, I was driving the other way, so I fully satisfied myself with non-alcoholic drinks. Besides, I didn't like to drink, so I didn't waste much.

Minhyung began to talk about what the market looked like, preparations for it and relations between people who had their stands. I listened patiently to the boy, staring at the water. I've noticed this before. There was never family in Mark's memories or stories. As if it didn't exist, as if it didn't participate in his childhood at all. Minhyung's world was limited to Izzy, grandma and work. He erased the rest of the characters.

"She liked hyacinths very much, flowers of love," said, continuing grandmother's topic. "I remember asking her once if I would smell them enough, I would find out what love was and would love someone in the future," he snorted, as if considered a twelve-year-old self to be an idiot. On the other hand I felt my heart hurt because he approaches to the topic of love in such way.

As for something that he will never be able to fully develop himself.

As for something stupid and unnecessary.

As for just such a childish dream from which it was time to grow up.

"And what did she tell you?" I asked, full of expectations.

"She slapped my face with a flower and told me not to fuck the stupid thing and love myself first," he sighed heavily. "Cause this is the key to every kind of love in the world."

"Very wise words," I agreed with his grandmother.

"I think so..." boy replied quite reluctantly. "It didn't work out anyway," he laughed bitterly under breath. "But she once told me the myth about Hyacinth. Do you want to hear it?" he asked, apparently wanting to change the subject very much. I let him do that. There was no need to spoil one of the few good moments we have recently shared.

"Sure."

"Hyacinth was a joyful and beautiful boy, adored by many men, gods and other creatures from this mythological world. Over time, his beauty and disposition was also appreciated by the god Apollo and the feeling turned out to be mutual. So Hyacinth became his lover," he explained calmly, drinking beer to the end, then dropped the empty bottle on the grass by the car. "They lived happily and in love. However, how often in such beautiful stories happens on their path someone third appeared - West wind Zephyrus" I smiled under breath at the way in which he spoke the name of the rival of the god of beauty. "Zephyrus liked Hyacinth very much and started fighting for his favor. He was merciless and, unfortunately, after getting rejected by Hyacinth, he went too far. While teaching Hyacinth how to throw a disc, Apollo threw it and Zephyrus blew the disk back and wounded Hyacinth with it. The wounds were too deep for Hyacinth to survive. He bled out and a beautiful flower grew here - henceforth called a hyacinth," he said almost in a whisper. I really liked listening to his voice. He always calmed me down and rocked to sleep pleasantly.

"So sad" I murmured, clenching fingers at the edge of Mark's denim jacket.

"I agree," he admitted a bit nostalgically, as if wasn't telling me this myth for no reason, as if was unique to him in its own way. "It is said, however, that the dew drops on the flowers are Apollo's tears. Apollo couldn't leave his lover. The feeling was too strong. Hyacinth didn't go to Hades but was taken by his beloved to Mount Olympus. Their love is not over," he said, pulling the blanket tighter on my shoulders.

"I prefer this ending," I admitted. "What about colors?" I thought aloud. I liked the topic of gardening. "Hyacinths are quite colorful."

"Hm... from what I remember, white meant selfless affection for another person. One without any overtones, so you probably would never get it from me," he laughed as I nudged him to the side. "Pink symbolizes zeal and purple encourages a loved one to be more sensitive and show us affection. It's the color that says _love me_. "

"Love me even though I'm an asshole?" I asked mockingly, glancing at the boy with a smile.

"Very funny," he raised eyebrows, offended. I closed eyes as Mark's lips touched my forehead. I didn't want to hurt him but when the opportunity arose, I couldn't resist pointing out some character traits that hurt me personally. I've always been a person who needed a lot of tenderness and hugging to function normally. From childhood I was called a sticky and greedy for tenderness ball of happiness. By Minhyung, unfortunately, sometimes I missed it a lot.

"What else do you know?" I asked after a moment of silence, barely concealing a yawn.

"Blue is stability in feelings," he whispered, brushing my hair gently. "Yellow means _I'm happy with our love_ " he sighed deeply as if only simple mentioning _L_ word was painful for him.

"You had amazing grandmother" I summed up the topic, leaving the theme of feelings behind us. Minhyung has clearly exhausted the area in the brain responsible for naming emotions today.

"In the end she died just like each of us will die, they locked me up and that would be so much from my career as a gardener," he replied grimly, completely killing all the good and positive mood he put into the story. As if everything in his life is meant to end in disaster and misery.

"I have a feeling you would be a very good gardener," I whispered, patting him comfortingly on the stomach. I knew perfectly well how important memories of grandmother were to him. The way he referred to her death and how he spoke about her gave me to understand that he was probably alone with this fact. That no one made sure that he could go through mourning healthily.

"Maybe, I won't know," he sighed, tilting head back. The sky above us shimmered with a million tiny stars. We didn't have such views in the city every day.

I realized how similar we are to each other. Of course, we were also different - it was beyond any doubt. Sometimes we were so different that we were able to kill each other. Paradoxically, however, we also had a lot of common points.

Passions cut off during flowering.

Dreams that have withered somewhere along the way.

A future that has ceased to exist.

Something could have been from both of us but we ended up the same - even in the same shit.

"In an alternative life, my man would be a gardener, something amazing" I snorted in disbelief. The gardener's profession didn't match the image of Minhyung at work at all.

"And who would my man be?" Mark asked softly, constantly providing security with the warmth of his arms. I loved when he called me his. I took the pathological pleasure of thinking that he considered me part of himself.

"Musician" I replied calmly. That was my dream. Be constantly on the road, always in the move, elusive, going ahead and not looking back, without a permanent home.

"Singer?" he got interested, making me smile. If only he knew he was the only person with whom I chant something under my breath. In other conditions I couldn't open myself enough to get anything out of throat.

"Just a musician," I said without much emotion. "What kind, we are unlikely to know," I added in a whisper, sighing softly. To think that we could both now have two completely different lives. Maybe we would also meet, maybe not. Our stories intertwined outside of work. Maybe without the mafia it would have happened the same. I liked to think about it this way.

"Are we finally similar to each other?" Minhyung laughed with artificial, mocking disbelief. I rolled eyes as he comfortedly massaged my slightly chilled arm. "I can't believe it."

"Amazing, right?" I was ironic. "All the time someone says we don't belong together and now here we go - wow, missing puzzles" I shook head in pity.

"A nice change," Mark, however, didn't talk about it in a mocking way further. He really sounded pleased. Boy kissed my pate and for a moment we plunged into our own silence and our own dreary thoughts again.

"You long for her?" I finally asked, gathering courage.

"Do I long?" he was surprised as if didn't quite understand what I was talking about.

"You know, the feeling that someone is long in your life and suddenly disappears and you feel bad about it," I explained calmly. "Then you miss, you want this person to come back to you because you are somehow complementary to one another," I murmured. Shortly afterwards, I realized that this was how I felt when Mark left for Edmonton.

"I felt emptiness," he admitted and felt that he was really thinking hard about how it was for him then. "And I lacked her in my life so much," he added after a moment.

"It's also longing," I said, clearly classifying his feelings.

"So how many varieties does it have?" asked, as if somewhat nervous, that he was encountering an obstacle again, barely understanding the basics.

"Like all feelings and hyacinths - many," I laughed. I was hoping that such an analogy would help him a bit.

"It will last forever," he sighed irritably.

"We have time," I smiled under breath. "We're in no hurry, sweetheart."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I like this chapter in some way... Hope you liked it as well :)


	39. Highway to destruction

**[october 2020]**

**[donghyuck]**

I was like next to everything I didn't understand anyway. Like random observer. 

I sat on a chair with arms crossed on chest and watched from a distance as Minhyung and Steven were at each other's throats for the thousandth time this week. The whole thing seemed trivial but only from my perspective.

In less than a month, in the company's nonexistent calendar was placed a huge market of juvenile girls, who were later to be given away as exclusive prostitutes to mafia brothels. Marco only participated in it as a guest, politely as an observer because he was slowly completing the entire project of removing such attractions from his business. In addition to his bodyguards, Minhyung was also to participate in the event. Steven, apparently, always had that particular November day off every year, which the black-haired knew perfectly well. Marco decided to unexpectedly take Zayn with him and Lee said he was withdrawing from the whole event and Perez had to find a replacement for him. And he found it but unfortunately the recipient had completely different plans that the boss couldn't know about and the official escape with a real excuse was out of the question here.

As I have long known, even Steven, who allegedly doesn't have private life and his little secrets, in fact had great secrets that no one would ever know. That is why I fully understood him, although the scale of outrage and insults he had recently directed at Minhyung had even reached a pathological dimension. I began to wonder if this game is really worth a candle. It must have been cruelly serious or just so incredibly important in Steven's system of values that he spared no words.

Of course, I took Mark's side in my heart. However, only at the beginning - until he didn't open his mouth. At the time, I decided that I wasn't even going to get involved in it. Let everyone solve their own affairs. The cesspool exploded to such an extent that if they could, they would pull out the buried dirt of their deceased ancestors from five hundred generations back and stand up to the medieval battle of penises to solve the feuds that digested their families. Over the past few days I've learned such things that I would love to be deaf at the time of their mini games of death. 

You did this, you did that; and when this was happening, you were somewhere; because it's a secret and it isn't; and you motherfucker without honor was where; - and not your business because you're like these and that; and go back to the center you sick fucker; you weren't there so you don't know, then shut the mouth selfish pig.

Over and over again.

Endless battle of insults .

"I wish you'll be treated the same in the future," my friend finally growled. "You'll finally realize that the whole world doesn't revolve around you, you fucking dickhead," he tossed away, going towards the exit. "Maybe you can talk some senses into him because I already give up," he said to me, slamming the door from the basement. I looked uncertainly at Mark, who was still standing still with hands on hips, looking into space, as if he didn't quite realize that anyone in this world dared to call him _fucking dickhead_.

"Mine revolves," I whispered with a smile, wanting to cheer him up a little but he gave me such a cold look that I immediately let go anything positive from face. He cursed severely under breath and sat on the couch.

The completely other fact was that how Minhyung actually behaved lately - it seemed to be a separate issue. He became cold again, distant and totally alien to me. Every initiative or good word on my part bounced back like ball threw in an ice wall that nothing could melt. He didn't want to spend time with me, he avoided me in the corridor, pretended that Marco gives him a pile of work, although he was well aware that I knew it was a lie. Nothing has happened in the company for a long time. The question _why?_ remained unanswered. 

Why was he like that?

Our sexual relationship wasn't much different from the one before Lee's trip to Canada. He was coming, taking me, exchanging a few words and leaving. It didn't suit me to such extent that I started to enjoy it when I didn't see him. Awareness that he wouldn't try to take me without my permission was like deficient article. It was terribly unpleasant. In Minhyung, after several months of relative emotional stability, there was a tragic regression that somehow continued to progress. He became the dark and aggressive man who worried me again.

After a very long moment of silence and gazing at Mark emptyly, I decided to approach him and sit down next to him. I didn't expect any reaction on his part, so when I didn't receive it, I decided to put hand gently between his tightly entwined.

"What's the matter with you lately, Hyungie, hm?" I asked calmly as he closed fingers on mine.

"What supposedly?" murmured reluctantly, crossing our gazes.

"What bothers you so much? Tell me, please?" I changed question, hoping that maybe this would make him talk. It didn't work either.

"Nothing" pretended surprise, shrugging, as if he really didn't see the problem.

"You've been living in a different world for several weeks," I said simply. The boy looked down.

"I don't know..." he wondered. "Maybe it's this autumn?" he tried to get rid of the topic but I didn't want to give up again. How much time could he dispose of me this way? Unfortunately, the answer was - very long. That was Mark - the master of escape from confrontation, the master of deception.

"It's not autumn," I stated categorically. "Talk to me," I asked, unable to completely eliminate the note of plea that crept between my vocal cords. I got a look from the black-haired that suggested he didn't know what he should do now, as if he was fighting deep inside himself to make the right decision.

Finally, Mark did what he could best to close my mouth, stopping other questions that wanted to get to the surface. He kissed me briefly first on the lips, then on the nose and whispered: _another time_ , then went out as soon as possible, as if for fear that my disappointed and resigned gaze could reach him.

♥

**[minhyung]**

For some time I was seriously considering returning to therapy. I was able to spend two hours a week on something like that and keep it secret. I hurt myself, I hurt others and I was unbearable - that's what Izzy said. I believed her, although the content of these words in the current state of my apathy was somewhat abstract. That's why I preferred to avoid Hyuck. I hurt him with my absence but I still had so much brains in my head to know that my closeness would hurt him much more. In a word, I did a complete emotional comedown. During the time I took my medicine, everything seemed to be playing somehow. Recently, however, I had the impression that my body fought it extremely quickly, as if what was in me was much stronger than any medicine. Or maybe there was no cure for it? Maybe my soul was just so rusted out and destroyed that a few pills or liquids couldn't patch it up? I didn't know myself anymore...

_You have to let love into your heart, Minhyung_ , my grandmother used to say. However, I didn't know what love is, as if I were suffering from some advanced form of fucking autism. All I had to do was finally get my shit together and talk to Donghyuck. Only this thing tired me. I was tormented by the fact that I couldn't give him simple messages, simple information, which would help a so fucking lot. It irritated me so much that I wanted to smash something or preferably my own head that didn't understand anything.

At first, I thought it was the fear that the boy would leave me, kept me from manifesting my thoughts, past or desires. However, this was how effective lying to one another looked like. Subconsciously, I knew perfectly well that I was putting on a very good bullshit to myself. Donghyuck would never leave me for such a reason and I was wonderfully sleeping with this thought. A safe haven, they call it.

I simply couldn't reconcile myself with the idea that I could be considered a psychopath, some sick loser. One of the scenarios was also ruled by the fact that for Lee my story might not turn out to be authentic or as traumatic as I perceived it. Something that ruined my life might seem to Hyuck ridiculous and funny because I knew perfectly well that his childhood and all his teenage life was a real nightmare. Our tragedies, if put them on one scale, were completely unmatched. Although in my life it wouldn't go through my throat, I had to admit at least to myself that I was mentally weaker than Hyuck. I wasn't sure if at the moment but someday for sure. The difference in us was that his traumatic past didn't prevent him from keeping his heart warm - being a sweet, loving bun and my just sad and unpleasant turned me into a cold soulless asshole.

So what largely inhibited me was shame.

Shame and anxiety on a very heterogeneous basis.

A knock on the door interrupted my strange and unusual thoughts. I sighed heavily, taking eyes away from the white ceiling, which had to listen to all my regrets and still stick to level despite all that misery.

"Mhm" I murmured loudly, on average encouraging the guest to press the door handle. I just hoped it wasn't Steven. I couldn't look at him today. I had to apologize to him somehow but I didn't quite know when I could get those words down my throat, even in a veiled form. When the door creaked slowly, I looked at the entrance. It felt cooler right away. "Why are you here?" I asked icily, sitting straight in the armchair.

"My stay here is slowly coming to an end and it seems to me that we haven't had the time to talk properly," said Zayn with that moronic half smile on face.

"If I ever wanted to talk to you again, I would definitely do that," I replied coldly. "As you have probably already guessed, I don't feel like it, so we also have nothing to talk."

"Stop it" he laughed, putting hands in pants pockets. He came closer, forcing me to stand up. I couldn't let him dominate me in any way. It was a test of strength. I looked at man for a long time, wondering why he had bothered to come, since he knew perfectly well that I wasn't going to engage in unnecessary discussions with him.

"You know..." he began slowly.

"I don't," interrupted him without hesitation. "And I don't want to. Get out. "

"Wow," he laughed, looking at me foxily but still stood firm - too close. He took another step towards me, successfully breaching all boundaries of my comfort zone. "You left Edmonton without my knowledge, without my permission. Do you think such a thing can get off easily to anyone?" he said after a long moment of silence. "I got mad," he said calmly, though I could only imagine how this madness at the time really looked like and how badly someone suffered. If anyone has ever dared to call me a mess-up behind back, then they should go on a trip to Canada and get to know a real mess-up there. "I was waiting for this trip. I was counting down the days to visit New York to see if you were still alive. And I encountered a double disappointment - not only you're still breathing but doing great and even a sweet doggie is faithfully at your side," he said with a sneer. I was silent. I had nothing to say to this boy, though at the mention of Hyuck I could barely keep my fists clenched by thigh. "I never give up, Mark," he whispered seriously but calmly. "If I want to destroy something, I destroy it. If I set a goal, I achieve it no matter how bumpy road I will have to overcome. Just because we're now in your room a few meters underground doesn't mean that we'll never meet somewhere above the surface of this world. Do you understand what I mean by that? " he asked in a whisper, probably wanting to give his chilling statement. However, I was surprised that his words didn't impress me. On the contrary. It even amused me a bit. _Did he just threaten me somehow in funny way?_ Only this thought accompanied me now.

"Get out," I repeated calmly and firmly, though our faces were millimeters apart. I wasn't going to respond to his touching story. I found that a narcissist like Zayn would hurt nothing more than mere ignorance. He was in my area. In New York, I had the advantage and didn't intend to allow Suskind any arbitrariness. I don't know what he saw in my eyes, which nevertheless allowed him to do a similar act of boldness but I could have sworn he probably wanted to prove something to himself. I grabbed Zayn tightly by the wrist as his hand went to the buckle of my trouser belt. "Do you have a hearing problem?" I asked and he smiled.

"Not quite," he said, turning head toward the door.

"Only for a second" I heard Hyuck's controlled voice. I closed eyelids, cursing in heart. A folder clearly intended for Zayn landed on my desk with loud smash. The fucker had to plan it all out. He decided to strike where it hurts the most and the destruction will be the most devastating. To make everything even worse - Donghyuck placed cautiously on the top of it the hyacinth in the pot, which began to slowly release the first, shy purple flowers. I looked at the boy with a sore eyes, that probably couldn't do or fix anything, couldn't stop him. Above the mask I received a clear message that I have nothing to deny because for Hyuck at that moment everything became clear. This whole scene gave him a highly coherent explanation of what was happening between us recently but also highly misleading, of which he was no longer aware. "Don't disturb yourself," he added, leaving his eyes at the height of our crotches for a moment, then left the room.

Zayn didn't need much more luck, either, because he quickly pulled away from me, grabbing a folder from Marco from my desk. He glanced at his watch.

"A bit too soon but luckily at the point," he said to me with a straight face, shaping jacket. "Don't blame me," he said without a trace of remorse. "It's just that my arrival here would be pointless without it," he explained, walking to the door. "Nice flower" smiled victoriously under breath, winking at me and left, slamming the door.

After this I stood in astonishment for a while, wondering if all this have really happened. The level of absurdity of these few moments exceeded the ability of my brain to process such complex images and messages. The only thing I knew was the fact that I'm fucked up like never before and most probably the biggest and most essence piece of my life collapses.

But it hasn't quite reached me yet.

♥

**[donghyuck]**

I was rather prepared for many things in my life.

I planned everything carefully, I worked out every detail of my life, I always took care of future projects to always have several development options, plan B and at least three solutions in case of failure together with a possible escape plan. Despite this, I often wondered if anything would ever surprise me to such an extent that I would have no words to describe the phenomenon. Rather, I doubted it, although I hoped that if it ever happened, it would be a very pleasant moment, compensating for all heavy burdens that had happened to me in life. However, my world was a little differently built and the reality that plays around me clearly showed that I really am a child begotten of bad luck and all that misery available to human consciousness.

Anything that would be able to lead me to destruction must have been something like love.

Fucking love that you can't predict or plan.

Fucking love that can hurt more than someone else's fist or a hard leather belt.

Fucking love...

I sniffed, blinking a few times. I couldn't break down now. Not in front of someone who didn't deserve it and couldn't even understand it.

We've been silent for a long time, sitting in the dark-flooded kitchen. The only source of light in Mark's apartment seemed to be the glow of a full moon, which allowed us to see each other if we wanted to see each other at all. I didn't look at Minhyung. He was leaning against the pillar separating the kitchen and bedroom and I was sitting on the counter, looking out the window at the other end of the apartment into the eternally living city.

"Will you say something?" he finally asked in a hoarse voice. I shrugged.

"I don't know what yet," I replied thoughtfully but quite honestly. I really didn't understand why I agreed to come here. We had nothing to talk about. I didn't see the point in sitting and listening to some stupid explanations that I didn't want to listen to and which I might not even have heard. Let's be realists, we're talking about Minhyung here. Minhyung who would not even think that he could have at least some of his guilt in anything. "Since when?" I finally asked, although I could easily guess myself.

Isabelle before, now Zayn...

How long would I bear similar humiliation?

I wasn't good enough? I took this option into account. Maybe I did too little, I devoted too little time to him, I didn't care enough...

But I really tried. I did my best.

For what?

In the name of what?

Love?

I am about to puke.

Malaise and anger fought for dominance in me. A voice came to my mind if I could really be so stupid and naive as to risk all that I have for this guy. My life, my mother's life, our future. Everything for an ordinary asshole who can't keep his dick in pants and muster a little bit of tenderness towards me.

"What?" he asked dumbly, as if he needed time to remember why he had brought me here in the middle of the night. I rubbed tired face with hands. Man made of concrete. I couldn't put it in another way. I gave him a disgusted look.

"Your relationship with Zayn," I spoke calmly though it still hurt in a way. The sight of the two in a very ambiguous situation surprised me deadly. It denied everything I had believed so far. Of course, there was always a margin of error somewhere but in the case of eyewitnesses, it was hard to talk about its high values. I just didn't expect a blow from this side. I didn't expect it to be that way. "Since when?"

"There is no relationship, Hyuck," he sighed wearily, as if he was telling me this the hundredth time, not the first one. "You just came in at a moment that could be understood wrongly," he said reproachfully. I shook head in disbelief.

When he pushed fingers into Isabelle's crotch a year ago, it was also _something to be understood wrongly_. The difference is that at the time we were not together, nothing really connected us. It was different now. How many more such optical illusions was I going to experience? How many visual hallucinations would I accept? Minhyung was ridiculous.

"Should I apologize for choosing the wrong moment, as usual?" I asked indignantly. "Because you said it as if it was actually my fault that I interrupted you when you were all over each other's pants."

"Jesus..." he sighed irritably, going nervously to the living room. Finally Minhyung lit a cigarette, still standing back to me. "He came to me," he drawled through teeth, stabbing the air with forefinger. He pointed out the performer of this activity and then inhaled heavily in the smoke. "Quite uninvited," added firmly, walking to the window. He spent the next two minutes slowly looking at the city with a cigarette. When Mark finished, went to the ashtray on the living room table and tossed a cigarette butt in it, letting out the last gray streaks from between his lips. "You know it's no pleasure for me watching him," he said, as if believed it and wanted to convince me of it, or at least make sure I thought the same. Because I thought similarly, that's why everything I saw seemed to me ridiculous. "It was a provocation..." he sighed heavily, shaking head. Boy's arms fell down in helplessness.

Was I really so badly mentally damaged that I believed him?

Was I really so stupid and hopeless to let it go sideways?

"Hyungie..." I started uncertainly when he approached me. "How do you actually feel about me?" I whispered, getting lost in what we are to each other. It didn't look like a relationship lately. It didn't look like any healthy relationship between two people with the future. We were destroying each other. Day by day destroying more and more.

"I am begging you, Donghyuck... I am begging you, just don't..." he sighed heavily, resting hands on the kitchen counter next to me. Boy tilted head forward and hunched all his posture, as if the weight of this question was impossible to bear on shoulders. "Don't do this to me now," he groaned, banging head hard against the edge of the cabinet.

"It's a relatively easy question," I said mildly, not wanting to add any more weight on him. However, Mark had been asking for it for some time and I couldn't drift forever on the empty sea. I also wanted to know what I was standing for after over a year of this shit knows what. I didn't demand much. I just wanted to know if he cared about me anyway, or if I meant anything to him after all the time we spent together.

"Not for me," he denied in a voice so weak that I could barely hear him.

"What's so hard about it?" I began to drill so that it could somehow facilitate any, even the slightest manifestation of his own thoughts.

"Feelings..." he finally choked, slightly swinging it back and forth.

"Feelings are so terrible?" I asked, trying for the greatest subtlety. Silence answered me.

"You won't understand it," he finally said, pouring water into glass. "Let's postpone it," he decided, without even asking me for opinion. Everything has always looked like this. I felt like an ordinary item suited to his mood. "Just not... not yet," he interjected after a while, as if it would change or alleviate anything. It was too late. I had enough of this. I didn't want to live like that. I didn't want to live like my father always told me to be. Like an ordinary slut and someone else's push. I've been running away from it all my life and I couldn't let these words come true. I didn't deserve such a life.

"Then when?" I asked powerlessly, not expecting an answer at all. "I don't expect a declaration of great love from you, Mark," I assured, wondering how uncomfortable I felt with that name right now. "We're not some truds. But I would like to know where I stand," I articulated, making sure that every word I said could get to him.

"It's... okay," he said uncertainly, shrugging.

"Okay..." I laughed bitterly, grabbing temples. "Good God..." I murmured, being on the verge of collapse. I didn't think he was such a resistant person. For the first time I faced a conversation with someone so hardened, insensitive and introverted. I would never have to have a similar conversation with Seth. I immediately put aside this thought. I couldn't compare them. That wasn't right. "I just don't know if you noticed but it's not okay, Minhyung," I said very seriously. "For a long time nothing has been okay and everything begins to go on between us exactly the same as before you left. You are cold, dry and aggressive. You don't let me touch you normally, you don't let me hug, you spend time with me as a form of punishment," I listed quickly, almost losing breath. "Tell me, how does it all make any sense? What for are we doing this?" I asked with a growing feeling of powerlessness, staring blankly at the floor. "With each passing day we are moving away from each other. We're becoming more and more like strangers, more like colleagues passing each other at work than lovers," I whispered in pain, digging nails painfully into skin. "I look at you and I wonder more often is this really my boyfriend? Am I really connected to this man? Does anything bring us together? And I come to the conclusion that we have nothing in common but work lately," I said quite seriously, fully aware of what I was going to do. At the moment, however, I haven't seen another solution. We were both currently tired of this relationship - Lee was irritated by my questions and for me unacceptable at this stage of the relationship was the lack of an answer. Black-haired looked at me incredulously. I think it came to him that is no longer joke, that this conversation really is very important to me and I don't have the right mood for games today, getting out of the answer and allusions.

"What do you mean?" he finally asked, though he knew the answer perfectly well. For a moment I hesitated, was it a good move? A quick estimate of profits and losses as a consequence of further words, however, proved being impossible. Each of us in effect lost something and perhaps gained something. Certain things were not material for any kind of prediction. Sometimes in the life had to be great unknown. I could lose everything now. However, I realized that our relationship didn't make sense anyway. There was no future ahead of us.

"That it's not for me, Hyungie," I whispered, afraid to seal everything with a too confident voice. I was under the false belief that words spoken without proper power, in some irrational way, leave a certain fyrtel, some kind of wicket.

"Excuse me?" he asked hollowly, his voice slightly broken at the end.

"I'm not up for a relationship where I feel like a road whore that makes you meet your needs," I finally explained to him, breaking the barrier of fear. "I don't want to be to you just someone for a while, for a few times, without major feelings, specifics or even planning the near future and that's how I feel now," I said straight from the shoulder. I had the right to do so. My feelings were also important, even if my own boyfriend had them in his ass and didn't understand any of them. They also mattered - I mattered. "I don't want to bounce off the wall forever when I politely ask you not to sleep with Isabelle, since you say we're together, because it's just fucking sick when you come to me and I just smell her from you. Because I can smell it, you know?" I asked angrily, although I was hurt and powerless at the moment. "You fuck with her and then come to me, stinking of the female pubes and what are you hoping for? For a handshake? For applause? Can't you see how insensitive this is with me? How much do you hurt me? Do you really have me so deep in your egoistic ass that you still do it? Since when the usual _sorry, Donghyuck_ has been an antidote to you for all those soulless things you have been fucking off lately?" I asked, still meeting the wall of silence. "I know you don't love me, Hyungie," I said something aloud that I had agreed in my own way for a long time. It hurt, but I had absolutely no influence on this one thing. "I understand that you are sick, that you have problems with feelings. I really take it and try to accept. But a relationship is not just verbal declarations and empty confessions. It's so much more and you are currently doing absolutely nothing but pushing me away, hurting and fucking when you need it," I explained to him, finally waiting for any reaction on his part other than looking at the fucking counter. My words hung in the air, dancing on the fumes of heavy silence that increased between us in a thick fog of conflict and loneliness. "Do you listen to me at all, Minhyung?" I whispered in disbelief.

"I'm listening," he replied weakly, not looking at me once. I wanted to break something. Preferably his head.

"I feel like a fucking second-hand product right now," I said, hoping that more vivid and emphatic comparisons would finally get something into his selfish head. "So just like I didn't want to feel my whole life and you're still making me a scene that I told Isabelle to keep her paws away from you because you obviously don't understand that when you're in a relationship, it doesn't mean you can fuck others. What's wrong with you?" I asked incredulously. "Your words that the lack of feelings in sex with her justify everything are just as shitty as our relationship, which we supposedly have. Shitty, do you understand?! " I yelled as he still stood sideways, staring at the counter. He was completely unresponsive to what I was saying to him that only fueled my irritation. If he thought that he would silence my talk again and in three days everything would return to normal, he was wrong. I haven't been as angry as I am today. We could avoid it, we could finally talk it over and work out like normal people. He chose differently. He decided. I had no influence on that anymore. "I've been fed up with your company for some time," I finally blurted out. "Everything on your part is so damn forced that it makes me feel sick when you touch me," I grimaced, remembering involuntarily all our recent close-ups, numb lips on my body, soulless intercourses, silence after sex and complete indifference in dull eyes. "I don't keep you by force, Minhyung. We don't have to be together if it's so hard for you to maintain this relationship. I don't keep you on a leash. You want to leave?" I asked furiously. "Then fucking leave, open road" I encouraged him, gesturing vividly. "Relationships are not to tire in them and hurt each other. Relationships are in order to be in them together and to engage in them. And we've been doing absolutely nothing together for some time. Nothing but one-sided sex, during which you are somewhere else," I said bluntly what had been in my heart for a long time. "How am I supposed to feel about this?" I asked in a cracking voice, begging him to say anything. To make any attempt to save what has been fucking between us for some time. However, Minhyung did nothing. "We can't live like that in the long run and you know it well, Hyungie," I added after a while, when the boy still couldn't react. For a moment it seemed to me that he was slowly thinking it over, somehow analyzing and maybe looking for the right answer. However, as time passed, when no initiative came from him, I realized that this lack of answer is probably the answer he wanted to give me. I sighed heavily, sliding cautiously off the kitchen counter. "Do as you think," I murmured in disbelief. I had nothing more to say to him. I was completely shattered. "It's over with us," I said softly, tears in my eyes. Hearing it out loud had a completely different rank than I thought. I stood still for a moment, counting on any reaction, word or even fucking murmur of agreement confirming what I had said. However, I received nothing at all. "You're a fucking asshole, Minhyung. You know about it?" I choked out, barely holding back tears. In the end, however, I couldn't stop it and just let them run down the red from anger and disappointment cheeks. "I wish we never came across each other," I whispered, shaking all over.

It hurt all too much.

And this pain was indescribable.

It was really weird

It was unbearable.

Like I'm choking.

Like I'm dying.

"You're not going anywhere" Minhyung growled an answer when I took a few steps, banging fist on the counter with such force that I heard the clang of cutlery in a drawer a few cabinets away.

A shiver went through me.

I looked at the boy with fear, afraid to take a step in any direction. I hated his side that moved my heart in a very unpleasant way. Always when he behaved like that, I was looking for a defensive reaction in my head that could somehow save me from the effects of his anger. This was another aspect of our relationship that I couldn't accept. Not for that I escaped from one tyrant to after a few seconds of illusory freedom land again in the arms of the other. That wasn't the purpose of my sacrifice.

"It doesn't make sense," I whispered gently, taking a step back. I waited for some reaction from Mark but none came. I decided that I had the green light to leave this place and to leave him. Therefore, after a few seconds, I took another small step and another, until I finally turned carefully on my heel and began to slowly descend the few stairs that separated the kitchen from the living room.

Minhyung, however, followed me with such a confident and sweeping step that it was in a way frightening. My heart was beating loudly, causing tinnitus and my brain started to panic. I instinctively approached the wall but still walking ahead so that in the event of a violent collision with concrete I wouldn't feel it so much on my back.

And it happened. 

He didn't have to do it so harshly but Mark was never a master of gentle workarounds with man. Minhyung yanked my arm, pulling back so that I could look at him, then barred my escape, placing hands on the wall on both sides of my head. I didn't understand why my eyes filled with tears all over again.

Is it because I knew what the next step would be?

Or maybe because I was aware that today this step would not change anything, that I would not stay here with him?

Cruel uncertainty was also born at this point because neither of us knew what the next stage was like. We've never reached it before and this gave rise to some kind of uncertainty.

I shook head in denial just before Mark's lips pressed hard against mine. I did't return this pseudo-kiss, breaking it almost immediately. However, this didn't mean getting any advantage or freedom. The boy was physically above me. There was nothing I could do to get out of his apartment in this respect. I could only live with the hope of being able to influence him with words. I couldn't hurt him, although I could do it. If a stranger were about to fuck in his place, it would probably be his last harassment in life, because he would end up with a dick nailed to forehead

But it was Minhyung.

My Minhyung

In a strange way, I couldn't find in it my heart to do that before him, as if showing what I was capable of deprived me of value and acceptance in his eyes.

I didn't want to be worthless again, to be like an object.

I wanted to mean something and be loved for being a good person who doesn't hurt others.

I only wanted stupid love and tenderness from this dumb bastard.

Is it really that much?

I was probably a tragic case.

"Hyungie..." I whispered pleadingly, wanting to persuade him to let me go but the boy probably didn't intend to give up. He grabbed my wrists strongly and once again tried to force me to submit. "Hyungie, I'm begging you..." I sobbed almost hysterically, freeing the right hand that I placed on his chest. I was really starting to panic. I didn't want it to end this way. If I let him take me now - here, against the wall, I couldn't explain it anymore. It would be the most ordinary rape in the world because now I didn't want anything less than giving my body to Mark. When the black-haired hand ended at the edge of my pants, I started to struggle. "Let me go," I groaned, knocking his hand away, which was quickly replaced by the other. The boy's body pressed me hard against the wall, blocking any movement. I felt tears of pure terror and helplessness start running down my cheek. I dug with all my hands against Mark's chest. "Let me go!" I shouted, pushing him back as hard as my current condition allowed me to. The man staggered, keeping his balance, but he didn't approach me anymore. There was a distance of several considerable steps between our bodies.

We both panted heavily, looking at each other as if for the first time.

I don't know what was written on my face but on Mark's I noticed so many different emotions that I would never be able to adequately describe them at once.

We were lost.

I definitely didn't suspect in my life that such a situation would ever take place between us, at least not recently.

Fire and water.

In such words I could describe us.

We presented two different worlds that sometimes did not seem to have any common points. Our merger into one launched a program of total destruction, the harvest of which we were now collecting. 

I loved him madly and hated him so much at the same time.

And he loved me like a madman and hated himself even more. 

How was this ever going to work out?

"What the fuck do you want from me?" he finally asked, dropping back on the drinks cupboard that he had behind him. "What else do I have to do?" he groaned hysterically, waiting for any reply from me. However, everything was so abstract to me that I couldn't even get my one reasonable thought together. I looked into his fluttering eyes, full of indefinite madness, which in their confusion didn't know what they wanted. This thought absorbed me so much that I didn't register the moment when something heavy and glass fell into Minhyung's hand. "Tell me - what?!" he yelled unexpectedly, throwing this object at the wall next to my head. A terrible bang tore my eardrums. I was so shocked by this gesture that I didn't even curl up. It took me a while to fully realize what had just happened when it started pinching my cheek and blood dropped from my jaw.

Legs trembled under me. I felt that any moment I would fall to the ground and I wouldn't care what would happen to me. Nothing made sense anyway. In all this we reached the edge of the abyss and we both decided to make a lethal jump. There was nothing to save here. We were completely strangers.

I didn't know how could I still open my mouth.

How could I form a logically sounding sentence.

And I certainly couldn't understand the miracle that this sentence was actually said.

I looked at Minhyung with glass eyes, noticing that he was equally lost in what he did.

I looked at him and simply whispered:

"Make me stop being afraid of you..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think that this chapter is climax of toxicity. I don't plan anything worse than that. Probably.


	40. The stages of realization

**[october 2020]**

**[minhyung]**

The road to Hyuck's house slipped by in grave silence. The mere fact that we were sitting in one car at all bordered on a miraculous, considering the events from less than an hour ago.

I wanted to speak up, apologize and promise improvement. None of these things sounded adequate in my mind. I was angry with myself because I fucked everything up. I had no right to speak and get forgiveness being such a moron. I let myself be carried away by a wave of aggression that should not occur at all. All this fueled ordinary fear. The thought of Hyuck leaving me was so overwhelming that I couldn't stand it. I couldn't stop him with words. However, it turned out that I will never be a master of stopping with gestures as well.

Donghyuck said nothing.

He didn't say a word to me. When I asked about something, he nodded in confirmation and denied it in the same way. Now he looked out the window with a stony face, arms crossed over chest, as if it gave him psychological security, as if expanding his comfort zone.

This was probably our end.

We quarreled, we shouted terrible things to each other's faces so many times before. This time, however, it wasn't a simple quarrel over which we could easily go to everyday life. I was worried about what would happen between us now. I certainly had to make the first move and try to fix it somehow but I was never good at cleaning up the mess I was making. And especially in repairing the relationship with other people, which I clearly fucked up.

I parked in the driveway, cutting the engine right away. _If I don't speak now, it will be too late later_ , I thought. I looked at Hyuck, his cut on temple and cheek, which would most likely turn into a scar due to a deep incision. Dried blood stains could be seen on the boy's collar of the shirt, as if the wound itself was too little reminder of this wonderful evening.

It hurt me the most, that I promised myself that in my life I wouldn't touch him in a way he wouldn't wish. I swore a change, I swore I would not hurt him. I didn't even want to imagine how much disappointment he had met and what a letdown that he couldn't even look at me right now. I didn't want to look at myself either because I would have to face a man who destroys everything he touches and somehow get to grips with this information.

"I'm sorry..." I started uncertainly, holding out a trembling hand towards Hyuck. Brunet, however, quickly and firmly rejected it and the silence in the car was broken by a quiet swat of collision of the skin against the skin, when our hands bounced off each other.

"Don't touch me," he said coldly, without even looking at me. I sighed heavily, placing head on the headrest. It was beyond my strength. I couldn't solve it. Direct confrontation with Donghyuck at that moment simply exceeded my communication capabilities.

Somehow, I wanted to express clearly how bad I felt with all this incident.

I wanted to say I'm an asshole and I don't deserve forgiveness.

I wanted to say how much I regret that everything went wrong.

I would like to say that I am sorry about how all this was played.

I wanted to promise that I would change, that nothing like this would happen again, that I would start working on myself.

Above all, however, I wanted to be able to say it out loud.

"Hyuckie..." I murmured softly when the boy sniffed, biting lower lip. His chin trembled slightly. I knew that it's just a matter of few seconds and he would fall apart completely.

"Just don't touch," he finally choked out, barely holding back voice from breaking, then pulled the door handle and quickly got out of the car, slamming the door behind him.

At that moment, I realized that I should probably have touched him but I didn't catch it in time, as usual. I watched as the brunet quickly runs up the stairs to the porch and disappears inside the house, cutting off from me for a very long time.

If not forever.

♥

**[donghyuck]**

When I opened eyes in the morning, I knew from the start that I wouldn't be able to get out of bed today. My head hurt from crying all night and my cheek pulsed with a dull burning sensation that seemed to spill fever all over my face. Above all, however, I didn't feel like leaving the mattress at all. I didn't feel like moving any part of my body for the rest of the day.

Apathy through disappointment.

This was what was ripping my heart from last night. I wondered how I could be with a man like Minhyung. What on earth made me to be in a relationship with a person who was a complete denial of the sense of security and stability that has always guided me as the ideal of relationship and my whole future life. It was the foundation of all my dreams and deeply hidden desires. I didn't want a turbulent life, constantly adrenaline rushing in my veins, an eternal sense of danger and uncertainty about what the next day will bring. I wanted monotony boring to pain, excessive schematicity and peace of mind, if surprises - only harmless and innocent and if resentments - only superficial ones, which actually don't deserve to be called real resentments.

I decided to call Steven. Somehow I had to explain myself that there is nothing to count on my today's presence at work and ask for forgiveness of such a criminal act. I knew that the man would see no problem in that. Will probably say that he will take care of everything because nothing is going on in the company. At least that's how I got it in my head and with a focus on hearing a similar message, I dialed the friend's number. He answered, as usual, almost immediately, accustomed to the fact that we must be available anytime, anywhere, at any time of the day. His voice, however, no longer suggested eternal readiness for the enthusiastic execution of orders.

"Yup?" he asked as always with boredom. I once swore to myself that I would finally point him out such rude behavior but it came out of my head until I once realized that it didn't make sense anyway. It wasn't proper to instruct him.

"Hey," I said in a hoarse and wasted voice that shocked myself with this fact. "I feel terrible today. Some germs or something," I lied in a weak voice. At least it acted in my favor in these circumstances. I was a rather poor liar in everyday matters, which is why I was glad that my real well-being fulfills a great masking function for words that pass the reality. "I'd rather not come to work today," I said quite honestly and a little begging. "Do you know how could I handle this with Marco?" I asked.

"I'll take care of it," he said without hesitating. "You're not needed here for now. Nothing happens at all. I even started some new show," he replied wearily, chewing on some crunchies.

"Are you sure?" I wanted to find out for sheer formality.

"One hundred percent sure," he confirmed. "But flu doesn't last forever and a maximum of three days, right?" he asked with a laugh. He made me realize that I must be a really tragic liar while in total disarray. He subtly signaled to me what kind of germs I had and how much time I had to get out from their trap. He was amazing, I had to admit.

"Thanks" I smiled to myself. "I really feel terrible," I added in defense.

"I know, I know," he muttered without much conviction. "I just hear that," added, grinding something constantly between teeth. "Treat yourself, kid," he sighed goodbye, then hung up.

I touched cheek half unknowingly, gently running fingertip over a barely sealed wound. Maybe I was a coward, no one was ever born perfect. However, I really didn't feel like going anywhere today and may still come across Minhyung by chance with my luck. I wanted to let it go into oblivion somehow. I had to hide the features of Mark in my head, erase from memories eyes full of anger, eyes full of regret, the inept desire to express how bloody a moron he is.

The truth was I couldn't hate him. I think that was the whole problem.

I needed this break not because I should mature to forgive my boyfriend, work through his behavior in my head and think about whether there is anything in this confusion to gather and fix. I needed this break to see that I should be angry with him, that I should be angry, ignore him, throw _fucks_ on this sucker and realize how much he screwed up.

I had to work through myself, not Mark.

The boy himself needed it too. He had to come to the conclusion that I wouldn't forgive him forever, although I knew perfectly well that I wouldn't be angry for a long time. I wanted him to show initiative, put the whole thing in his head, come to the important conclusions and learn that everything between us wouldn't always be what he wants and like he wants it. 

On the other hand, I was a bit worried about the mode in which his working through would be going. I didn't want anyone to suffer, especially him. Too many emotions at once meant that he became impulsive and when he couldn't cope with them or express them, this impulsiveness turned into aggression. 

Minhyung wasn't able to look for support. The desire to contact, to talk or to give a message that he needed help, insulted his dignity. This help would have to find him and force him to take it, which was probably not the simplest at the moment.

He had been arguing with Steven for a long time and it didn't seem like they would put their animosity aside. All hope was on Isabelle's side, though it was also rather muddy ground because she was soon to move to Marco, who eventually started doing something for their relationship after all these years. In addition, from the moment I asked her to finish seducing my hopeless boyfriend and drag him to bed by force, they didn't get along as well. In a word, Mark was basically left alone - with his own mind unaided.

This worried me the most.

♥

**[minhyung]**

Today's silence was different. At least that's how I perceived it. I sat in an armchair in the office and looked for a solution. At least initially. I wanted to fix it somehow, going through those strange stages in my head that I wouldn't even suspect existed.

** Regret and helplessness **

It was the first. I felt it when driving the car to Hyuck and later returning home without a boyfriend. Regret was manifested in the fact that I was truly sorry and helplessness reflected in that I didn't know how to manage everything to fix it. The overall drama intensified when I entered the dark, empty apartment, saw broken glass on the floor and panels stained with blood...

I realized that I was completely alone.

**Negation**

_And perfect that it happened!_ , I thought, going to bed after the shower. I didn't have to talk to anyone anymore, explain to anyone and wonder how to improve relationships with other people. It made life a lot easier. I came to the conclusion that freeing a bit of working memory would only do good for me. I never needed another person to live, I was always self-sufficient and functioning alone wasn't a challenge for me, it was also a solution. It seemed ridiculous to me that I ever planned to excuse myself for anything and apologize for something. 

Why was I supposed to change? 

Maybe I didn't even want it. 

So why was I supposed to adapt to someone?

** Confusion **

As usual, some strange nightmare pulled me out of sleep and flooded with cold sweat. I breathed spasmodically, my lungs aching. Hand automatically went to the side to grip Hyuck like a last resort. However, my hand came across a vacuum. I wiped face with a piece of shirt. I took the phone in hand and when I unlocked it I realized that I couldn't call him as I always did. Even if he answered, in the current situation I should not even make this call.

I sat on the mattress for a moment, which was getting colder and I was afraid of conclusions that I came to. It was the middle of the night and I just woke up from a nightmare. I didn't think rationally and my desires couldn't be like that either. If I thought through everything calmly, such conclusions would never have come to me.

As time passed, however, I had to accept that I needed his closeness. 

I needed Donghyuck, to whom I could hug, from who I would hear words of support and interest, who wouldn't laugh at me for having such a need for tenderness. He would say that this is not bad but is a typical, healthy, human reflex. With him, I didn't have to be ashamed of my weaknesses, put on masks of coldness or soullessness. By Hyuck I could be weak and having hang-ups, I could joke and smile without fear that someone would use it against me. 

I just needed him. 

I needed him to be able to function normally.

**Planning**

I've never been good at fixing things that I fucked up. I was always silent and waited until the smoke rising after the battle settled slowly and the world around me again became clear and transparent. This time, however, I felt that the thick war dust would not disappear by itself and I would choke on it sooner than I would learn to operate with limited maneuver. 

That's why I needed help. 

And there was only one person in this world who always led me out of the dark when I was blind.

_"I'm sorry, but can you repeat what the fuck you did?" Izzy asked when the waitress put coffee in front of us. She jumped with a scared look between the two of us and walked away very quickly. I looked down at hands._

_"I regret it so..." I started uncertainly but the girl sharply entered my word._

_"I don't give a shit you regret it," she said brutally, looking at me in disbelief. "Have you had a cerebral hemorrhage?"_

_"What shall I do now?" I asked powerlessly, trying to ignore her cutting remark._

_"Do you really ask me that?" she snorted, shaking head._

_"And who?" I sighed heavily, staring at the table top. "Do I have someone else?" I asked quietly, realizing that I actually live all alone._

_"Maybe it's time to wonder why you don't have anyone like that, Minhyung..." Izzy said reproachfully, apparently intending to pour all the pigwash on me that have been systematically filling over the past months. "To be honest, even if you came to me on your knees after something like that, you would get slap in your asshole mouth and hit with the door straight in the face. I would urinate at you and throw you down the stairs and I certainly would never want to see you again," she assured, hitting the table with open hand._

_"I understand" smiled sadly under breath. However, I felt my pressure rising involuntarily. I decided that as soon as I leave now, I will do less harm than if I had to stay and keep listening to it. "Thanks for your time," I said, getting up from the table._

_"Sit down," she ordered harshly. I looked at her uncertainly. "I said, sit down," she raised eyebrows in contempt, nodding towards the couch I got up from. I sighed heavily, returning to my place. "Call your mother," she ordered, rummaging in purse._

_"For what?" I winced at the memory of my life-giver. Isabelle put Marco's business card and pen in front of me._

_"Let her give you the name and phone number of the psychiatrist who led you in the center," she explained dryly, crossing arms over chest. I looked at her with mixed feelings. "Stop staring at me stupidly and call her, Mark. You need medicine and therapy. This shit in your head won't disappear by itself. You can't fix it without a doctor," she said matter-of-factly and I had to agree with her. Now I was trying to do it myself and the effects were a million times worse than I expected. I sighed heavily and pulled the phone out of my pocket. I have dialed the right number._

_"What I see, my son still remembers that he has a mother," she answered almost immediately, trying to be funny, which, as usual, didn't work out. I gripped the edge of the table._

_"Give me the number for my facility psychiatrist," I said, getting to the point._

_"Why do you need this number?" she asked uncertainly, completely confused._

_"Just give it to me, Jesus", I got pissed off like I always did when we talked. "Why do you have to make things difficult each time?" I asked, resting head on hand. I was tired enough and encountered another obstacle. Despite our relationship, she was still surprised that I didn't want to call her at all. She probably had some new, yet undiscovered type of mental retardation._

_"You're not going to do anything stupid, are you?" she asked when I had finished writing down the string of numbers that she dictated to me after a moment of rustling papers. Another annoying thing. I was an adult but she had to keep her hands on all my documents, on every medical record. I had no access to any scrap from the court without her prior consent._

_"And would I need a psychiatrist number then?" I asked angrily. "Think a little before you say something. If I wanted to hurt myself, I'd just end my life_ _quietly and disappear from your sight as you always wanted," I breathed out in one take and ended the call by throwing phone against the table. I looked out the window, breathing deeply. Nobody raised my blood pressure like her. She was a real champion in this. The very fact that she was breathing too loud drove me crazy and I was furious._

_"Take care of that too," Izzy said after a moment of silence, which she gave me to cool down. This time she used a very calm tone, as if no longer wanted to rub salt into the open wound. "If you don't heal this relationship, each second will be as sick and rotten as the one you have with your mother," she added after another pause._

_"I'll take care of it later," I said, admitting her right in head. I had a fucked up relationship with my mother. This couldn't be hidden. "Now I have to..."_

_"You'll take care of it now," she corrected me, wording it. "You won't have a healthy relationship with Hyuck as long as your relationship with your mother is so toxic," she explained, tapping index finger on the business card on the back of which was the psychiatrist's number. I nodded my agreement slowly. "I'm moving out in a few days," she added straight away, astounding me. She apparently decided to take advantage of the already uninteresting situation and throw everything at me at once._

_"What?" I asked dumbly. What else was going to fall on my head today? This meeting was already too abundant in all sorts of information and activities. It was way too intense for me._

_"Marco wants us to live together," she shrugged, as if it wasn't what she had longed for so many years. "Besides, if you want to get Hyuck back, we can't live together anymore," she shook head in strong denial and looked at me in pain. "He doesn't deserve it, Mark, and I don't want to use my hand to hurt him. He doesn't deserve everything that happens to him with you... "_

_"I know," whispered in pain, admitting her right. I knew it all perfectly._

_"That was my last advice to you, sweetheart," she said, slowly gathering her stuff with a straight face._

_"I still don't know what to do..." I choked with utter powerlessness._

_"I told you what to do to fix yourself," she explained, getting up from the couch. "You need to figure out how to get Donghyuck back on your own," she smiled sadly, putting purse on shoulder. "The remnants of dignity and honor that I have don't allow me to put a match to further injuring this kid."_

I couldn't just approach him and say: _I'm sorry, can it be normal between us from now_. I mean, it was very my style and if it were a simple quarrel, after which we would split to the rhythm of slamming doors, most likely such a tactic I would once again choose. This time, however, I had to make an effort to make it not look as dull as always.

I had some time because probably the period when Donghyuck would avoid me just started. I decided not to get in his way. At least not immediately. Emotions had to fall and minds cool down, I was sure of that. I also wanted this separation for another reason. I wanted to find out what Izzy meant when she said that I would finally find out what it is like to be all alone. Well, I was completely alone now, I got the opportunity to find out. I assumed that this should remove some invisible flip flops from my eyes, show me important things and may make me realize things that I haven't been able to realize so far.

A soft knock on the door ripped me out of thoughts. However, the guest didn't wait for an answer and immediately went inside, closing the door behind him. Locking it. I sighed heavily, not quite wanting to make another argument. Burned out in this field, I didn't want to be at loggerheads with anyone.

Steven sat comfortably on the couch that stood in the corner just in case such a visit. He didn't say a word for a long time, so I realized he didn't come here to explain what _fucking dickhead_ meant. It was something else.

"Tell me..." he began calmly. "How is Haechan?" he finally asked, turning a large paper clip between fingers. I kept my stone face, though I could barely resist making a grimace. Information spreading faster than I thought. I didn't suspect Hyuck about confiding to Steven, so either I just didn't know the brunet as well as I thought, or the context of the situation was all too palpable.

"I think good," shrugged. "And how should he feel?" I pretended to be surprised. The man smiled to himself, as if at the end of the tongue he was already mocking that I was trying with him these funny tricks.

"He called and said he has the flu and can't come to work, so you know..." he whispered with a sigh. "I wanted to ask if he isn't dehydrated, whether he is better now or worse. _Who else will know better than his extra loving and overprotective soft-hearted boyfriend_ , I just thought that," he said wryly, playing with a paper clip. He bent it in some strange way, when I suddenly ran out of tongue in my mouth.

There was no point in denying that nothing had happened. It felt stupid to confess but I was pushed against the wall. Somehow, I had to consult it. Steven wasn't the best option in this case but I didn't have another one. From the beginning he was against me being in relationship with Donghyuck. He repeated boringly that I would only hurt him and I was telling him boringly that I have control over everything and would change. As usual, my friend was right, I hurt Hyuck - literally and figuratively at the same time. I also knew that he didn't come here to make fun of me and putting a knife in, saying _I told you so_. He came to hear me out because he knew that apart from Lee, I had no one to whom I could say such matters.

"I did something very stupid," I said finally. Steven laughed without taking eyes off the paper clip.

"Imagine I've already guessed that. It wasn't that hard, after all, you're an idiot," he murmured intently, concentrating on getting the wire bent properly. "I just came to find out what you screwed up again and advise you on how to clean up this shit with which you clogged up your toilet."

"I'm sorry," I whispered.

"You shouldn't tell me that," he said, although knew perfectly well that he was the real addressee. We never reconciled after quarrels, we always waited for them to split naturally over the bones. This time it was different because coming here, he first reached out for consent but not in the interest of his mental peace. He put his pride aside because I needed it, that's why I thought he deserved some act of remorse on my part.

"I'm a moron," I added, trying to be honest.

"Tell me something I don't know," he sighed heavily, throwing me this shitty paper clip from which he bent a small butterfly. "Come on, I'll change my mind if you won't stop blubber," he said firmly and I couldn't help but smile, which Steven mirrored.


	41. Like strangers passing by

**[october 2020]**

**[donghyuck]**

My mother's friendship with Mrs. Lee was quite unusual and I didn't fully understand what it was based on. They only stayed together for a very long time, killing free time in silence. Later, Minhyung's mother told some things and stories, finding a faithful listener in her new friend. In the end, however, this form of pseudo-communication was not enough. Recently, my mother told me that Ms. Lee recognized learning sign language as her priority this month because it can no longer be that only she 's the one who speaks.

Both ladies liked each other very much, completely unaware of what was happening between their sons. Mark's mother even didn't know what was happening in his life at all, also the level of this woman's unconsciousness went beyond any scale. At times she seemed even indifferent, as if the casual assurances that he was alive were sufficient. As if she didn't need to contact him and care about what he does with his life. They were a really strange family.

I watched them from the kitchen window as they arranged Halloween decorations in front of Minhyung's house. Last year I did it with Jeno but this time we didn't get the opportunity for such a meeting. The boy hasn't given any sign of life since his departure. I suspected that we would see each other again at Christmas, if we somehow come across each other by accident. When Mrs. Lee put the last pumpkin in front of the house, I knew ours would be next. I started chewing the sandwich faster because garden work was always followed by a break for a well-deserved coffee and a cake, which I didn't want to be a participant in.

I jumped up when I heard the sound of my phone. I looked at the screen with fear. I've already considered the possibility that Minhyung will finally call me. I didn't know whether to answer or try to ignore. I stated that it would depend on the circumstances and the time when such a call would take place. I decided to make a hot decision.

It wasn't Mark, however, who called me. Someone who I would not have suspected in my life called, given the circumstances of the parting.

"Yup" I said uncertainly, a little in Stevenish way, however I was really shocked.

"Hi Hyuckie," Steh's warm voice greeted me. "What's up?"

"Hm, well... okay," I said, not knowing what to say to him. It didn't make sense to describe your whole life. "Something happened?" I asked, suspecting that he hadn't called for no apparent reason to gossip about the good old days.

"Kind of..." he murmured with obvious embarrassment. "You know, Kevin broke arm a week ago. Quite a serious matter. "

"Oh," I said, giving rise to a long silence on the line. What was I supposed to say to him now? _I'm sorry_ ? Why did he tell me that? I sighed heavily, resting the back of head against the cupboard with plates. "How is he?"

"Poorly" he replied with palpable concern. "You know, we're on tour, it's also hard to find a replacement at will."

"Sure it is," I admitted honestly. I felt sorry for them and even if it was weird that he called me to complain, I tried to understand it. Maybe he didn't have anyone more suited to the situation at hand. "Will you cancel the show now or are you still looking for someone stubbornly?"

"You know... we're looking," he muttered uncertainly. "Hyuckie?" he finally asked and I realized why he had called. I closed eyes, praying that he would not say the words he intended to say. "There's a request from the band, you know..."

"I know," I said, ending his agony on the other side of the phone. I was going to bet that he had lost the phone in stone, paper, scissors.

"God, you don't even know how stupid I feel to ask you that," he groaned in real embarrassment.

"Do you realize how long is it since I had a guitar in my hand?" I asked.

"We're coming to New York from tomorrow, you would practise with us," he assured eagerly, knowing full well that I wouldn't tell him _no_.

"And when is it even?" I murmured, swaying feet alternately in the air.

"Well this is the second problem..."

"On Halloween," I did it, stating this fact quite calmly.

"I'm terribly sorry, I feel like fucking asshole but you really are the last resort."

"No, don't worry," I smiled to myself, looking out the window at the setting sun reflecting in the blades of the neighbors' lawn. "Not that I have any explosive plans to celebrate this day anyway."

"We'll make you the best anniversary party, you'll see," he laughed.

"Cool," I said without a hint of enthusiasm.

♥

**[minhyung]**

A week has passed since our quarrel and during this week I never saw Hyuck even by accident. As far as I knew from Steven, the boy was already at work but I had no excuse to go down to the basement, which Lee didn't leave. It was a shame to admit it but I was a little going crazy. It pissed me off that I didn't quite know what was going on with him. Even Isabelle already knew more because she said they were in the cinema on some new figure skating movie. But she wasn't going to say more. She even went a step further. When she passed me on the way to the bathroom, she smirked and whispered: _you'll get a little hurt, you'll appreciate him_ , then patted me boldly on the shoulder and left behind. I didn't have the strength for this woman anymore. Due to her constant tease and malicious texts and comments, I began to wonder if staying overnight on the couch at work would be a better solution until she finally moved out.

In the end, however, I got such an excuse. On Wednesday Marco came to me wanting to discuss some issues related to the end of Zayn's stay with us. In turn, I avoided Suskind for the sake of principle and hoped that by the end of this strange visit of the Edmonton team, we would no longer be able to run into each other.

"If you still have a moment, I have a request," he said, rising from chair as he gathered to leave. "It's not urgent, so I don't require you to hurry. In any case, Steven has somewhere buried in his dungeons plans of a building where girls will be auctioned. The request from me is for you to go to him any day now and drop it at my office in a free second. "

When Perez left, I waited two minutes which is needed for him to put distance between my study to his study. After these two minutes I got up and hurried toward the basement. Why postpone something that can be done now, right? I smiled to myself under own cunning. I was a bit like a child but nothing was more exhausting than the quiet days between me and Donghyuck.

I entered the basement imperceptibly. It wasn't difficult, considering that the music, as usual, was so loud that it burst the walls. I found, however, situation so ridiculous that it was almost funny. Well, the ceiling in the basement it really high. It made it possible to stuff as many things on the wardrobes as the soul wanted. After all, stuffing is one thing and later pulling it off is a completely different matter. When someone from basement wanted a ladder, he had to go up and borrow it from a restaurant, or more precisely - go to its back and drag it from the outbuilding outside. Every lazy, self-respecting man invents structures a hundred times more complicated and more time-consuming than the passage of these few floors to the surface, only in the name of the stupid rule of not leaving the room.

At the huge wardrobe in the back of the room I saw a human structure made of Steven standing on a wide stool and Hyuck sitting on Steven's shoulders. I had no idea if the game was worth playing but it certainly didn't look safe at all. I looked at them with admiration, watching the route of dusty folders falling time after time from the top. I walked slowly to laptop and turned off the music. There was silence ringing in the room for a while.

"Jesus, don't move because you'll kill me," Donghyuck laughed suddenly as Steven rocked on the stool, wanting to turn backwards. He grabbed brunet harder by thighs, thus giving him a false sense of security.

"Jesus, I'm not moving because I''ll kill you," he joked mockingly.

"Idiot" the brunet bit back, glancing over shoulder with one hand still clung to the edge of the wardrobe. When our eyes crossed, his expression thinned. He sighed heavily, looking down. "Mark has come," he explained quietly to Steven but without even a hint of earlier gaiety.

"For what?" he asked stupidly, as if I wasn't here.

"How should I know? Ask him."

"And you can't ask?"

"Don't start this all over again."

"You left your balls on this wardrobe?"

"You're useless, you know?"

"Look at yourself, little shit."

"Oh, fuck you, put me down."

I stood aside listening to this exchange with an indefinite expression. I felt a little out of place. In a way I regretted coming here because apparently I couldn't count on any conversation with Hyuck anyway. The boy was probably not ready yet and I haven't come up with an appropriate apology pattern all this time.

When he came closer, I noticed that the wound on his cheek was slowly beginning to heal and it probably wasn't planning to leave a permanent mark in the form of a scar. Bruises on the forearms of brunet also came under a strongly yellow color, giving hope that soon at least these physical signs of our quarrel will be forgotten.

"What you need?" he asked, crossing arms over chest to protect himself from my watchful eyes. Hyuck watched me carefully as well, as if to assess how I was doing in my life without his permanent support. Anxiety shone in Donghyuck's amber eyes for a moment but he quickly controlled himself, bringing back on surface that watchful, falsely distant look.

"Plans of building where is this whole... trade fair," I said with disgust. Haechan nodded, passing me without a word. I gave Steven a confused look and he just rolled eyes and waved hand to let me know that I should follow brunet. I did that, although I wasn't sure if it was a good decision. We stopped at a number of armored cabinets. The boy stood on tiptoes, pulling a long tube from above in a cardboard package. "How big is this facility?" I asked incredulously.

"Very big," Hyuck said, smiling under breath. "Take it," he muttered, handing me the packaging.

"Thanks," I said uncertainly, wondering if there was nothing, even stupid, that would allow me to keep up the conversation that I naturally was a master of. "I will try not to get lost," I joked rather weakly, not even being under an illusion that I could amuse him. And I didn't.

"You won't get lost," he assured calmly, looking shyly into my eyes. "I'm going there with you too," he added after a moment.

"Cool" I whispered, starting one of those stupid talks to prolong the conversation. I should ask now if he likes bread.

"See you later, Minhyung," said goodbye to me, ending this torment of words hanging in the air that may one day be said. But not yet.

"Well," I sighed heavily, looking down. I don't know what I was hoping for. Probably a miracle or shooting star. "See you later" I replied grimly, then went to exit.

♥

**[donghyuck]**

"I don't feel at all that you haven't played for so long," Seth assured me with a warm, supportive smile.

"That's good," I breathed a sigh of relief. I didn't want to fool around in front of a crowd of people. Now, as we sat in the boy's basement and we played casually, nothing like stage fright has yet reached me. I couldn't promise anyone that I wouldn't die of stress before the concert in a few days.

"What happened to your cheek?" he finally asked. I raised hand instinctively and touched the wound healed long time ago. It seemed to me that I completely forgot about it or I just wanted to do it.

"You know what, it was a very strange thing," I said with a smile that could tell him at once that it was time for a story invented quickly. "I dropped the glass and it shattered so vigorously that one of its pieces reached my face," I spread hands helplessly aside to emphasize my own amazement.

"Well done, novelist," he said with mock admiration. "It sounded very credible."

"I know," I laughed but looked down at the guitar strings.

"How about school?" changed the subject.

"If I make an attendance, they will sign my grades over," I said calmly. "That's cool."

"At least that much," he admitted with gentle enthusiasm, as if wanted to suggest to me that he would be watching that I didn't screw up this time. "Are you planning anything after graduation?" he asked, starting to quietly play some calm melody.

"What can I plan, Seth?" I smiled gently, making eye contact with the boy. The blond sighed heavily only, nodding his understanding.

♥

**[minhyung]**

I sat at Steven's chair, as if to solve my problems. One conversation a week was our average. With visiting and passing was a bit better but not enough to stop me worrying about it. I had the impression that we were slowly getting used to our mutual absence in the latter's life and this wasn't a good sign.

"Why he's not here today?" I asked thoughtfully, looking at the ceiling.

"He said he wanted to spend birthday with mother," Steven sighed heavily, browsing photos of spring landscapes on his laptop. The coming winter was killing him today.

"Good son," I admitted. "I don't know the last time I was at my mother's birthday home."

"He's having a birthday today, moron," said my friend suddenly, looking at me in disbelief. In turn, my disbelief resulted from a conflict of information because according to the files I had, Donghyuck had a birthday in June. "No wonder he left you. You're useless. If you were so interested in me, I would have kicked you in the ass without hesitation long time ago," he said critically, giving me an outraged look. "Seth is in town. Maybe you should ask for his ex-boyfriend's user manual," he joked, wanting to push my rage button. And this time he succeeded. Seth's subject always hurt me. He made me realize that I didn't deserve Hyuck at all because he just needs a good boy like blond.

"You know how to give somebody the needle to hurt, huh?" I asked bitterly. "I know he's in town" I sighed heavily. "Izzy wanted to drag me to their concert again," I murmured reluctantly. It was a hard topic for me now. Recently, my life has been strewn with such rotten icing on the cake. "Before she stopped talking to me," I added in disgust.

"I'm not sure if you know it but Haechan is playing with them today," he muttered casually but still selling me quite relevant information. I just didn't know how to use it well.

"We only let in with a costume," the bouncer informed me at the entrance. I didn't intend to engage in unnecessary discussions with him, so I pushed banknote into his pocket and went inside without waiting for permission. However, I haven't reached far because crowds have found me that this club probably never even dreamed of. The hall and balconies were stuffed to the brim with weirdos in all sorts of outfits and on the stage some flock of vampires was raging in their last song that evening. I cast a wistful glance toward the bar. But I knew that today I should give it a rest. I wanted to be sober and fully aware of everything.

When the stage was empty, I hoped it would be quiet for at least a moment but I miscalculated painfully. The noise of conversations grew gradually from minute to minute, giving the impression of being even louder than the music itself. I watched from the side people who were ruined and stoned to such an extent that they poured beer on others and those wet weren't even bothered and maybe they didn't notice it. They laughed loudly and coarsely, venting all their obscenity and promiscuity. I came to the conclusion that this crowd disgusts me and those sweat-locked people in a stuffy room loathe me.

Finally, from behind the makeshift curtain came two guys from the band I was waiting for. I associated them only by sight but enough to recognize. I didn't see Hyuck or Seth anywhere. The conversations were drowned out by the buzz of guitars and drum check. The crowd began to scream, though they probably didn't even know the band. It seemed to me that literally anything could be happening on this stage and people would be happy anyway, they reached this state of intoxication. After a few minutes, Seth entered the stage, followed by Haechan, who had some light, fluffy mass all over face.

"Welcome to our hometown, New York," said the vocalist in a calm voice, tampering around the guitar. "As a replacement for Kevin, Mr. Sunflower will play with us today, the leader of this Halloween night. Give him loud applause," he said with a smile, looking at Donghyuck, who was wiping the cake leftover from shirt and hair. The boys exchanged their middle fingers and the room reacted with a scream. Brunet narrowed eyes in response, looking shyly at the crowd. "Our friend is clumsy on the stage, you have to forgive him," added after a while, endear the audience laughter. Hyuck just shook head from side to side and hung guitar over shoulder, turning back to the people. "Let's start."

They came in really hard. I didn't know if I liked it or not. I wasn't a music expert. But the crowd went crazy. People jumped, trampled each other under foot and threw their heads. I, in turn, cared for only one person in this room and was shocked.

Donghyuck at work and in public is a rather calm person. This is the type of personality that doesn't want to hurt anyone badly, doesn't want to offend anyone and prefers to sit quietly than to be the center of attention when strangers surround him. He warms up only in familiar surroundings. That's why I didn't suspect at all that he would behave... differently on stage. In the blink of an eye brunet turned from a calm boy into a volcano of energy. He was everywhere, as if punk were triggering a side in him that he had never shown. At least I didn't know it exists. I stared at him with the strange feeling that I didn't know so many things about him yet...

Kind of shaming.

They played without any major breaks. It was only when they were so sweaty that it was dripping when they did a small pause. Seth walked over to Hyuck with the towel and wrapped it around his face, imitating the choking act. They were both panting heavily and the guitars were hanging limply at their hips. They exchanged a few words among themselves, drank water from a common bottle and went back to two opposite ends of the stage. The drummer finally came backstage, returning with two bar stools that he set up in the middle of the platform then came to Seth with a smile on lips, told a joke, or made stupid coment, because they both laughed, and then sat down against the wall. Donghyuck exchanged the guitar for an acoustic one and took place with his friend on the chairs.

"The time has come for something calm," the singer whispered pleasantly into the microphone as if he hadn't scream bloody murder a second before, I couldn't call it otherwise. "And how do you think Mr. Sunflower is doing as a guitarist?" he asked with a smile, slowly turning stool to the right and left. The crowd gave an enthusiastic blast, followed by a woman's scream that seemed to signal excessive joy. Hyuck looked up with confusion above guitar, which he tuned rather by ear, and looked a little scared around the room. Suddenly, near me, a male roar of the ogre answered mockingly to a woman's scream and the whole room laughed. "Yes, I've been a big fan of his beauty for years as well," the singer sighed playfully, lowering the microphone to brunet. I smiled under breath. Indeed, most of them reached almost 180 cm tall. Hyuck wasn't that tall beside them.

"These gentlemen are true masters of hidden allusions," said Haechan, throwing the crowd back to laughter.

"Do you know the band _10 years_?" finally a question was asked. The audience responded with a scream. " _So long, goodbye_ ," he whispered, nodding to Hyuck as a sign that he could start.

The club was filled with calm, melodic sounds at once, which heralded a sad piece to which you can rock yourself or with the other half. Hyuck's fingers hit the strings slowly, again and again allowing a stronger bump. He was focused but for the first time in a long time he probably didn't think of any intricate plans of survival. I was looking at him pleasantly. Slightly tightened eyebrows, gently pursed lips, bangs falling on the eyes.

_Keep changing your mind like clouds in the sky._

_Love me when you're high._

_Leave me when you cry._

In the end vocals joined the guitar and people traditionally decided to migrate to get to the bar for a cold brewery. Other day I would probably do the same but today the purpose of my visit was definitely not alcoholic kind. Donghyuck looked away from the strings and began to calmly glance about the crowd. His hand operated freely at the wrist and head waved to the rhythm of pleasant, soothing music. The boy smiled to himself, looking at the swaying crowd from the stage elevation.

_The sun will rise and expose all the lies._

_So why deny that you and I live different lives?_

He finally hung up at one point, as if a sudden thought had brought him into a trance of reflection. It took me a moment to realize that I was the object he was staring at.

_Rivers from your eyes can't change my mind._

I smiled uncertainly, shrugging, as if to tell him that I couldn't help it, that it was him who dragged me here. The boy shook head in disbelief, mirroring the smile, then looked down at the strings, leaving the raised corners of his mouth up happily.

_So long, this is goodbye._

_May we meet again in another life._

Maybe I was impossible, maybe I looked desperate and I didn't respect that the brunet's boundaries as well as the fact that he didn't want to see me. After all, he didn't seem to be offended by this fact, I also considered it my personal success.

_Like strangers passing by._

_May we see it clearly in a different light._

I never wanted to pass him again, as if we were completely strangers. We also haven't had another life to fix mistakes from this one. I wanted to fix everything here and now. I wanted to have him beside me again.

While we both had time.

While we both had the chance.

♥

**[donghyuck]**

"I didn't know you were playing the guitar," he said gruffly, keeping pace with me.

"You never asked," I answered quietly.

We walked slowly toward the parking lot, rather silent than talking. Minhyung was the last person I expected to see here today. However, life can surprise.

He was carrying one guitar, I was carrying the other. The silence between us was broken by the sounds of shoes scuffing on asphalt. I didn't feel awkward, though I should probably... We haven't spoken to each other for almost two weeks. That's a lot of time. On the one hand, too much and on the other too little to fully reconcile with everything. I didn't want to argue anymore, I didn't want to frown and pretend we didn't know each other. I wanted him back with me.

The way back from the club also passed in silence - admittedly quite pleasant but still leaving a lot to be desired. I wondered how long it would take, this strange situation. When we'll both come to the conclusion that time has healed the recently formed wounds.

"Donghyuck..." he began uncertainly when we finally arrived, as if he wanted to raise a heavy topic but he wasn't quite able. Finally he sighed heavily, clutching the steering wheel. "I..." he muttered uncertainly, turning head the other way. Mark began to look through the glass to the neighbors' yard. "I would like... No, not this way" he shook head. "I came back to therapy," he announced quickly, as if wanted to get this information out of mind as soon as possible. "I... I came back to therapy... I take meds..." he added uncertainly, constantly loosening and clenching fingers on the steering wheel again. "Hmmm... I..." sighed heavily and his shoulders dropped from helplessness in a sudden rage of irritation that he couldn't screw it out.

"You know... if you want to really talk, just come," I said, rescuing him from the situation he had driven himself to. "You're not ready yet," I noticed and Minhyung smiled crookedly, nodding sadly but also with understanding. It seemed to me that he considered his efforts pathetic and miserable, so I decided to quickly lead him out of error. I really wanted him to follow this path and not give up just because the first shot didn't prove to be accurate. "I'm glad you're doing all this, really," I smiled honestly, leaning forward a bit to get him to look at me. Mark gave me an uncertain glance. "I am in a real, very positive shock. I want you to not give up and keep on fighting with yourself. I see that you're trying and I really appreciate it, but..." I hung up, not quite knowing how to react to all the information he revealed to me. Of course, I was proud that he decided to take such a step but I felt in my heart that it wasn't enough for me to come back to it. I didn't know the words that would fully convince me but that weren't those. Not yet. "Give yourself some time," I asked gently, although I didn't know if I was talking to Minhyung or myself. Maybe to both of us.

"I..." he muttered, looking out the window. "I wish it was normal between us. Just that."

"Normal," I laughed, looking at him in disbelief. "You don't talk about us then," I joked, wanting to relax the atmosphere a little.

"Well, yes," he agreed. "All in all - you're right."

"Give yourself more time," I repeated after a long silence quite seriously. "I won't run anywhere," I assured because felt his biggest fear was that when he would fix himself for too long, I would just dissolve in the air. That is why he wanted to direct everything to the old tracks so quickly.

"For sure?" he asked dubiously and genuinely - in my life I haven't seen a more scared and stressed person than Minhyung speaking this question aloud.

"For sure," I said, fighting with all my strength not to touch him in any way. However, I felt the need to keep this distance. With one touch it might not end and that was not the point at this stage, to throw everything into oblivion, fall apart or, what is worse - end up in the bed. We needed healthy mechanisms to solve our problems. We couldn't rely on the handicapped, childish and primitive ones forever.

"Okay," he reluctantly agreed, then put a piece of paper folded in four on my lap. "Happy birthday," he whispered.


	42. New Years resolutions

**[november 2020]**

**[?]**

I felt a little awkward. 

On one side I had Mr. Perez, on the other Zayn Suskind. I had the impression that they both didn't like each other so they put me in the middle of their silent conflict. The atmosphere in general was already tense from the first seconds we met at the car. Everything seemed to indicate that virtually everyone is quarreled with someone here or at least during reconciliation.

The car was driven by a boy whom I had the opportunity to meet before.

A boy with amber eyes able to see through anybody.

Shadow boy.

Apparently, it would seem that we have a lot more in common than it shows to an outside observer at first glance. We worked for the same man and functioned in a closed system absorbing us on similar principles.

Anonymous.

Invisible.

Worthless.

After all, I knew that too many things were pushing us towards the opposite poles. We could coexist in the same hell but even in hell there was a hierarchy in which we occupied different circles.

There was Mark in the passenger seat, who was constantly looking out the window. He was silent all the way, working hard to keep face resistant to any from of plasticity. The stone safety mask was still with him, though I couldn't estimate how long it would remain his loyal companion. He seemed seemingly calm but his leg was still nervously twitching, as if something couldn't give him peace. If it wasn't for the radio, I could swear I'd go crazy.

"Do you sometimes use the services of these girls or do you only have their bodies at your command for others?" finally asked Zayn.

"I'm afraid it would be a small conflict of interest," said Mr. Perez. "It's the kind of entertainment that isn't meant for us. They are supposed to make our partners and clients stay more enjoyable. Also, caution dictates certain conditions - better that none of them know our identity."

"An interesting point of view," admitted Suskind. "In Edmonton, we don't really deal with such things. This is the first time I'll be participant of a similar event. "

"It's a very big trade fair," admitted the boss. "One of the largest in this part of States. If anyone wanted to destroy America's underground world, he would have to hit this place."

"A lot of people are involved?" asked Suskind.

"A lot of important figures."

There was silence in the car again. After a moment of forced, artificial conversation, no one tried to interrupt it for a long time. I glanced subtly at Mark. I couldn't do it too obviously or too intensely because I felt the stranger boy's gaze on me, though he wasn't really looking at me at all. Despite everything, I had the impression of being surrounded, as if all my smallest moves were monitored. In fact, probably no one even noticed me.

A sudden movement from the front caught my attention. As soon as the song changed, Mark immediately leaned forward to switch it. At the same time, the stranger also reached out to the radio. When their hands met, they both quickly pulled them back, leaving the same station on the air. Finally, they laughed as if it was somewhat awkward for them.

"Change it," the boy behind the wheel said calmly and Mark just nodded in response.

"Don't you like Placebo, Haechan?" Mr. Perez was surprised.

"Mark doesn't like it," he answered calmly.

"And since when is that?"

"For some time," Lee muttered, mysteriously going back to being silent.

"Interesting things," said Mr. Perez underbreath.

So that was Haechan.

I had no idea that he is such a person. I imagined him differently. I thought everyone in the basement was firm, cold and bloody. Meanwhile... he was different. More... human. His gaze was thoroughly analytical, I had to admit it, but he didn't seem like someone with the potential of a killer. He sounded too warm, too emotional. I wondered who he really was, what his face hidden behind a cotton mask looked like, what he was doing here. He was the person who noticed me first and probably the only one who did that at all. That's why he fascinated me. 

Besides, he was close to Mark. 

I wondered how he did that and what kind of relation they have.

♥

**[minhyung]**

Brazil, Mexican, Thai, Italian, Ukrainian and Russian. 

Woman after woman and old guys who used their last moments of life to stare at the boobs and butts of young girls who wouldn't even look at them under normal conditions. It always disgusted me.

How much was human life really worth?

What is its value?

What criteria must be met to become worth millions?

I was unable to answer these questions. We lived in a very dirty world in which morality has been going through revaluation. Here, completely different qualities mattered, completely different things were considered valuable. White slave trade has become the daily bread for three-quarters of a society surrounded by sexuality-striking media. Instead of being luxury, nudity has been hailed as a bargain by the twenty-first century. Instead of shocking or disgusting - it became indifferent. Half-naked teens form a mass with the crowd surrounding them. Nobody cares anymore.

Finally a girl was moved into the circle of light and caused a real sensation. Merchants pressed buttons as if in a trance, hiding their identity behind the sheets of one-way mirrors that separated them from each other. The screen kept blinking, showing higher and higher amounts of money for the exposed body. Imagination gave me picture of eighty-year-old men on the verge of a heart attack who raped their buttons, considering virtual coins as nothing, not feeling their weight completely.

"How old is she?" I asked in disgust, having the impression that in front of me stands very scared child, cut off from the world with a blindfold.

"Thirteen," answered Marco. I glanced at Donghyuck, who was standing in the corner of the room with arms crossed, leaning all his weight against the wall. His eyes were closed. I knew he was an opponent of such things. Considering the fact that he didn't end well when transporting the same-age girl to the client himself, such accumulated resentment must not have been pleasant for him.

"Where does this price come from, if she doesn't really differ from the rest?" Suskind was surprised.

"The younger the better," said Perez.

"But her age is probably an exaggeration," he laughed softly. But I knew perfectly well that it was not a laugh of embarrassment or any kind of sympathy for this girl. Zayn continued to weigh the costs and profitability of this transaction. I was fascinated by the fact that in this case the hints weren't dictated to him by the degeneration of this world, which explained every little crime.

"Virginity is now command a good price," Marco murmured reluctantly. The subject clearly didn't suit him. Considering that Isabelle was a product of the same tender, I wasn't surprised at all. "You don't even realize how much a guy on a deathbed can give for such pleasure."

The girl stood completely naked, shaking with fear. Her hands were tied with a satin ribbon around wrists and crossed on back, so she couldn't even try to cover any part of her body. Cheeks wet with tears and red with shame contrasted with the whiteness of her skin. I didn't understand the mechanism that governed it. How could a man feel the excitement of such a view. Apart from the simple fact that they didn't even have a woman's body in front of them, the air itself stinked with degeneration. It only disgusted me.

Finally the numbers on the screen finished jumping, the siren made the sound of the auction ending and the girl wet herself.

"I feel terribly weak, Marco," I said as soon as I saw it and along with that Hyuck's face, who was staring blankly at her feet wet from the urine spilled on the floor. "I'll wait in the car," I said, waiting for what he would say. Donghyuck gave me a pleading look, as if he didn't want to stay here all alone. He was stupid if he thought I really wanted to leave without him.

"Okay," Perez muttered, as if he was bored with what was in front of his eyes. "Let Haechan come with you."

"I can handle it myself" I assured as if a brunet was completely unnecessary to me. We looked at each other expectantly.

"Well, I don't doubt it," he replied with mockery. "But I didn't ask you for your opinion. It's too dangerous here to hang around alone," he said and I didn't question anything more. I nodded at Hyuck, discreetly grabbing his elbow, then pushed him harder ahead.

When the door behind us slammed, the boy gently pulled free from my embrace but he didn't move away, still remaining close. We walked in silence for a long time. Donghyuck looked at the ground and I looked at him.

"How are you?" I asked, rubbing his arm.

"It was you who felt weak," he remarked calmly, even though he knew from the beginning that it wasn't about my well-being at the time.

"Well, yes," I agreed and still had no way to go further with the conversation. I had the impression that whatever I said would be inadequate in some way, it wouldn't be what he wanted to hear and in fact - it wouldn't be what I really wanted to tell him.

"You didn't have to do this," he finally murmured. "I could handle it."

"I didn't want to sit there either, it's okay."

"You know... we've been here often when you were in Canada," he whispered after a while. A man walked towards us from the end of the corridor, leading another girl with him but rather not for the auction because her appearance left much to be desired in the matter of care. She was dirty and bruised in places. "I got used to it..." he said, shuddering as the brunette pushed forward violently fell right next to his legs. Reflexively, he crouched down and helped her to get up. When the girl was standing, a guy jumped at us and pushed Hyuck away from the woman, shouting something in French, which none of us could rather understand. I grabbed the boy strongly by the shoulders before he hit the wall. The man looked at us aggressively, without interrupting the telephone conversation he had and went on, dragging the girl with him.

"You are so silly," I whispered in his ear while Hyuck was still leaning against my chest and not trying to escape. "It can't be helped," I added when boy still wasn't moving.

"I know," he finally conceded, grabbing my hand gently. I laced our fingers tightly.

"Let's get out of here," I said, leading us to exit. "There's nothing here for us."

I looked Hyuck in the eyes slowly and he looked into mine. We've been watching each other in silence for a long time. I plucked the threads that protruded from the hole on the knee of jeans.

"You know I regret that day terribly, don't you?" I finally asked. The boy laughed softly under breath.

"Which one?" he asked with mockery.

"Well, yeah," I agreed. "I think there were quite a lot of these in our relationship," I said, looking down.

"I'm not angry, I don't have a grievance with you as well, Hyungie," he muttered, staring at my hand on his knee. Hyuck rested temple on the headrest of the driver's seat, so I could watch his whole face, not just profile. "Ouch, this is hair," he laughed, grabbing my hand as I pulled the wrong thing.

"Sorry" I apologized, unable to help myself from smiling. I left his leg alone but grabbed brunet slowly by the finger instead, then pulled his whole hand to me. "What's wrong between us?" I thought seriously about the original subject. Donghyuck shrugged.

"Everything," he finally risked an answer, then sighed heavily, closing eyelids. "I can't..." he began slowly but quickly stopping, as if he still had to consider it, somehow come to a coherent whole. "I can't sort you out," finally said. I pursed lips into a narrow line.

I knew that I was difficult, that it is hard to live with me. But if it wasn't for Hyuck, I wouldn't try to change anything and in the meantime I really wanted to do it. I lived with my own flaws, shortcomings and blockades. It all made me a troublesome partner. Too troublesome to always get another chance to improve. After all, I couldn't give up, I couldn't keep the remains of pride. Not in this matter. Even if I had in my head another tragic fall and a black mark - too bad. This situation was worth it. Donghyuck has already seen me in many forms of failure. Emotional weakness added to this pool wouldn't change anything.

"Give me some time," I asked, breaking the silence. "I'll explain everything," promised. Brunet gave me an uncertain look. I knew I gave him enough reasons to kick me in the ass and scratch out of his life without much remorse. He shouldn't even consider my suggestion but he was still here, still beside me. I knew he loved me. I knew that it would be difficult for him to leave me and I brazenly exploited his weakness. "I'll change, I swear."

"How much time do you need?" he finally asked, when started slowly sliding finger on boy's dermatoglyphics.

"As much as you can give me," I whispered, feeling time running out for self-reflection. Donghyuck didn't answer right away. I had no idea what that meant. I thought there was nothing to think about for too long. Apparently it mattered to Hyuck.

"After Christmas, Minhyung," he finally said, giving me a serious look. "So as not to ruin the family atmosphere but to be able to start the new year differently," he explained, seeing the question in my eyes. We already had November. I didn't have that much time at all. "With or without each other," he added after a moment, looking down. I nodded in confirmation, though he couldn't see it anymore.

I realized that I got a date and it was the deadline. I had nothing to negotiate. I had to comply with this.

It was a very strange feeling.

For the first time, someone imposed something on me and required me to meet these expectations.

For the first time, conditions were set for me.

For the first time I had the impression of being subordinate.

I didn't think I'd ever let anyone force me on anything. Normally, if I didn't like it, I would have laughed at this person at best and one would be dead at worst. Meanwhile, I acknowledged my mistake and decided to be meek. Was this how relationships looked like? Izzy often said that you had to learn to compromise - that you can't do anything alone. And I think it really was like that. If I needed a second person, I also had to take care of him and respect his opinion. In case of divergent views - find a golden mean.

"Okay," I finally said. "Let it be that way. After Christmas," I agreed. Something else came to my mind. Something that I missed so much and felt that it would be necessary to get used to stripping all secrets. "Can it be normal between us now?" I asked quietly, as if was ashamed of a similar request. Separation wouldn't help me at all. I felt weird now. An unhealthy, unnatural distance has formed between us. Without at least psychological intimacy, I couldn't imagine opening up to serious subjects. I didn't even have the right to ask for physical intimacy and it wasn't that important. We had to talk to each other. That was what I cared about most.

"I'll think about it, okay?" he asked uncertainly. I nodded weakly. Something better than nothing. "I didn't even thank you for the gift," he said with a smile, raising my chin gently with finger.

"I really thought you had a birthday in June," I made an effort to be honest. It was a miserable gift. Maybe if I had more time to organize it, something better would come out. Although it was differently with my creativity.

"Because I have a birthday in June" the boy laughed charmingly, seeing my surprise. I was lost. "My father died then," he whispered finally, as if afraid that the man would rise from the dead. "October 31," he clarified.

"So it's a symbolic date?" I made sure looking for meaning in all this. Hyuck nodded.

"I've never hidden my joy because of his death," he admitted bluntly. "I hated him and everyone understood this hatred. We made it a holiday, a new start, birthday," he smiled crookedly, as if saying it aloud made him embarrassed. As if it was a prank of teenage boys. "I had no idea you were drawing so nicely," he said to change the subject but this direction wasn't very comfortable for me.

"I rarely draw" I thought, remembering the moment when last time I grabbed a pencil. It was still in Norfolk. It was a very nice evening, the sun was setting in orange with a touch of intense pink. Donghyuck fell asleep on the porch stairs in a place where the sun was the strongest. I really didn't know I'd draw this. I acted by impulse, I didn't think about what I was doing and why. When it came to me, I felt bad for a moment but one look at the drawing made me realize that I hadn't done anything wrong. Art didn't hurt anyone, I didn't commit a sin. "Actually... it was my first drawing for a very long time," I added thoughtfully before I could bite my tongue.

"Why did you stop drawing?" he asked, slowly putting on the mask. I turned over shoulder to see Marco coming back, dragging Zayn behind him. I think he had enough of ihm. I didn't regret him at all. He deserved it. He didn't have to invite Zayn to New York.

"Let me wait until Christmas with that too," I said, already sitting down in the passenger seat.

"Okay," he laughed charmingly, starting the engine.

♥

**[donghyuck]**

I was slowly stirring in a mug an instant soup with a catchy name _cheese with herbs_ and wondering if it would set me up, as Steven said. I truly doubted it and preferred to ask a favour to my mother, who, as a former nurse, knew more about such things. After all, I didn't have time to pamper myself. Somehow, a lot of work has been done ridiculously in recent days. Marco got involved in new areas of trade related to weapons, business meetings, banquets and events began. I didn't understand why, but somehow it bothered me a little. The more you hear about someone, the more confusion there is. I must have been subconsciously feeling the threat resulting from it. This situation also had its obvious advantages. The more Marco was busy and his business were absorbing his time, the less he thought about how much he hated me and wanted to get rid of me.

Sitting on a kitchen counter somewhere underground, I began to think about death. I didn't understand whether it was because of my recent illness or maybe for other, more unconscious reasons. I didn't want to die. At least not now, not at this age. The illusion that I would achieve something, even if it was completely unreal, gave hope for a better tomorrow. I didn't lead pointless, vegetable life. I had goals, I enjoyed walking around the world and breathing, although recently I had little problems with runny nose. But overall it was okay. Somehow it all was going on. My mother found a friend, she found a guy, I also had some guy - he was fucked up hard but he at least was, so life went on. It would be stupid to get a bullet in the head now or get arrested and spend the best years of life in prison.

"What a fucking shit," Minhyung snapped, entering the kitchen with irritation painted on face. He actually summed up a number of my thoughts with this statement. Except for the fact that Lee directed these words to a more mundane thing, which was a tie he couldn't tame.

"Hey," I said in a hoarse voice. I had to cough because I didn't recognize it.

"Hi," he was surprised, glancing at me. "What are you doing here?" man asked.

"Soup,"I whispered, not wanting to strain my throat.

"You have a kettle downstairs," he remarked, coming closer.

"But not soup," I said calmly, eyeing Mark. He nodded as a sign that it makes sense, then he reluctantly took the cup out of the cupboard and poured coffee into it. He looked tired, which I wasn't surprised at all. He was running everywhere behind Marco like a faithful dog, interacted with strangers, talked to them. So, among other things, he did everything he honestly hated. I gave him the kettle switch, earning a pale smile of gratitude.

"Thank you," he sighed heavily. "How are you?" Minhyung asked. I shook hand in the air, telling him I was so-so. I leaned forward, grabbing his tie. I couldn't look at the tragedy he had under neck.

"How can you not tie it?" I croaked as he stood between my legs.

"Well, it came out like it somehow," he groaned embarrassed. "Izzy did the last washing before moving out and untied it," he said. "And this tie hasn't been touched since primary school, Hyuckie. You can't even imagine the scale of me being pissed at her," he said with real reproach, as if she had done him a great deal of harm. I couldn't help but laugh when I was wrestling with the terrible knot that made up the material.

"Poor girl" I whispered, spreading the ends of the tie side by side properly.

"Not so poor at all," he strongly denied. "That bitch did it on purpose," he said, deeply moved. I couldn't deny it. Isabelle often did such things just to piss off Minhyung. "Fortunately, she's already gone. I couldn't stand her," he complained with such fierceness that he couldn't show me less skilfully that he was wrong with being left in the apartment all alone. "Change that face," he finally said when sensed I felt sorry for him. "I feel great," he assured and I nodded, accepting this lie.

"Okay," I murmured, pulling the knot under his neck. The tie finally looked like a tie, not like a crap hanging from throat. I bettered Minhyung's collar, then slowly smoothed his shirt, sliding hand down the man's chest. I bit lip, stopping at the breastbone. Black-haired slowly covered my hand with his and began to gently massage it with thumb.

And that's how it has been between us for some time. It seemed to be a little bit better, we were preparing for a serious conversation but there was still a barrier that we couldn't overcome. I built it myself because Mark really tried. He often tried to interact with me and I gave in often but I couldn't stop the chills when he touched me gently. Somewhere in the back of my head, I could still hear the sound of the glass crashing against my head and the unwanted hands of the boy on my body. It happened once or twice and Minhyung didn't touch me anymore, except just like now, when I took the initiative. I knew that he needed conversation and my presence in life, that's why I couldn't completely distance myself. But so far I haven't been able to forgive him fully as well. These things had to be worked through and recently none of us had time for this.

"I have to go now" I sighed without conviction, looking up at his face.

"Mhm," he murmured. "Then go," he said with a smile, placing forearm on the cabinet just above me. I shook head in disbelief.

"Well, I'm going," I whispered, drowning in his black eyes. I felt Minhyung's accelerated heartbeat under my fingers, which perfectly communicated with my breath in this matter.

"Go then," he repeated as quietly as I did.

"I am..." I stated, fighting with myself, just not to do something careless.

"Just go," Minhyung laughed silly, putting two fingers on my lips and kissed it quickly. "And get well soon because I can't listen to your hoarseness."

"Don't listen then," I replied with a sigh, feeling my cheeks flooding with blush.

"I have no choice," he said quite seriously, placing an access card to his apartment on my lap. "We're stuck with each other."

"Minhyung..." I murmured in disbelief.

"Why do I need two?" he asked, pouring water into coffee.

"You're impossible."

"Mhm, I'll be done with the meeting at eleven," he said, completely ignoring my words.

"Hyungie..." I started but he got into my sentence.

"I'm glad you'll come too," he said with a smile, opening the door. "See you later" said goodbye, leaving the kitchen.

"Ah, that bastard...," I whispered, picking up the Isabelle's card.


	43. Mutual longing of bodies and hearts

**[november 2020]**   
  


**[donghyuck]**   
  


In some strange way, I was always struck by the beauty of Mark's apartment. Beauty in this orderly sense. Everything here seemed to have its place and destiny. It's a bit like a puzzle. The box contains a certain number of cardboard boxes, which, although initially in disarray, are ultimately intended to create one complete image. The factory-packed box doesn't contain any additional elements. Everything is calculated in terms of art - no space for unnecessary waste.

Minhyung never had a mess because he was a neat freak, which is why his apartment had a rich new classic touch. Huge windows with a view of the city instead of the wall, dark panels on the floors, ebony furniture thoroughly cleaned of dust, a modern kitchen with a sink, in which even drops after washing had to be wiped, and a bedroom in which the bed was always carefully made. If I ever wanted to invite Mark to my room, I would probably have started cleaning it the year before because this visit could have been his last - it would have ended in a heart attack. In terms of order, we also represented two completely different worlds. Amazingly, another thing separating us.

I put the card on a glass table in the living room. I didn't feel comfortable carrying it with me. I was already shivering with specific chills that convinced me that I shouldn't come here and be alone. After such a break, the distance between me and Hyung made me feel like an intruder in this apartment.

I went to the window with a disgusting, productive cough. I have no idea when or where I got sick. People usually can point out a hypothetical pathogenic moment. I just went to sleep and woke up with a stuffy nose and sore throat. It wouldn't be weird if I wasn't a man who gives in to germs once a year.

I looked at watch.

23:18.

I already knew Mark wouldn't be back soon. Maybe he knew it before, maybe not. I assumed not. Time wasn't something for Lee to use for his own purposes. Time is discipline, a reference point, a deadline. A man who treats this matter as a vector without return is not a man with whom it is worth maintaining any social relationship.

A snowflake fell on the glass just in front of my nose. It glued subtly to the window and after a while of adhering to the cool glass pane, it began to slide, diminishing, disappearing into oblivion. In its place a moment later appeared the next, next and the next one, until finally hundreds of snow flakes whirled in the air. I turned back on them.

I decided to sit on the sofa, although my eyes were closing itself. I couldn't somehow overcome this need to go to bed like a human. It stood somewhere behind my back in the bedroom and covered head like heavy storm clouds hanging in the sky.

I would be lying saying that I don't miss Minhyung bodily. Because I missed him like hell. He's also missing me. We were created this way - as people with needs that we would like to satisfy. After all, we couldn't base the relationship only on sex and that's how it looked for a long time. I wanted us to develop a more solid foundation which components instead of sexual desire would be more emotional needs based on relationship stability and the desire to spend time together in a normal way.

1:39

I wrapped myself in a blanket, resting head on the arm of the couch. Somewhere in the distance a clock ticked and my eyelids slowly dropped. I had no more strength to think about our messed up relationship, Mark's meetings, the eternal lack of time for each other and tomorrow's visit at Steven's place. I wanted to be away from it all. I wanted to go somewhere far away. A break from New York, from eternal obligations, the need to be constantly on the phone and probably under constant supervision.

I dreamed of escaping - escaping from life.  
  


♥

**[minhyung]**   
  


I entered apartment the quietest as I could. 4 am was striking slowly and I didn't even think that Donghyuck would last until that hour. I was tired as well after a long day of work and the cold only added its bricks to whole that shitty picture. That's why I wasn't surprised when I saw the boy on the couch wrapped in a blanket. I smiled to myself, undoing tie. I went to the sofa and crouched right next to Hyuck's head, unable to refrain from gently kissing his forehead.  
  
  


_"Do you have family?" a man with a strong Italian accent asked me._

_"Only mom," I replied succinctly, considering that remembering the rest makes no sense. They were no relatives to me._

_"Girl?" he leaned towards me, lifting a glass of champagne up. I denied. It was the hour when groups were formed in the banquet hall, mafiosos were drunk so deep business topics and philosophical considerations about the essence of undertaking an investment entered. Today, I find an extremely emotional, family interlocutor. It would be a nice change if I could still relate to family values. "You're still young, you have time."_

_"We can't be involved with anyone," I said, although I had no idea why I spoke. My task was to listen to a drunk man and get back home as soon as possible. I didn't plan to engage in unnecessary discussions with him._

_"If you want something, nothing is impossible," he said with a warm smile that somehow grasped me. Not in fagot way but rather in the paternal one, so unknown to me. "I mean, it's all worth nothing here," he whispered, as if was afraid of own words. He turned sideways to me and facing the guests. Marco gave me a curious look. I blinked calmly as a sign that I was doing well and Perez returned to more fierce conversations. "They will all pass away someday, their deeds will become meaningless. They will shine in loneliness and go out in loneliness."_

_"You are in this business as well," I murmured. "Isn't that hypocrisy?" I asked before I could bite my tongue. The man, however, began to laugh heartily._

_"I've been out of it for years," he explained. "I gave the company to my cousin. Now I only have banquets like today. Apart from them, nothing connects me with this world anymore," he sighed heavily. As I later learned, I spoke to the mafia king of Sardinia. A man who was famous for the extensive prostitution and sale of children from adjoining a cloister orphanages. His heavy hand in business consumed many lives and the brutality of his deeds echoed even here. It amused me that a person at whose service are battered, dirty and ragged 10-year-olds addicted to cocaine, gives me a speech holding values related to home warmth and the importance of the family in human life. "My main point is that people only get what really counts here at_ _old age_ _. These are not villas, swimming pools and a lot of money earned illegally, which there is no more to invest in. That is the one and only woman who really waits for you in the living room on the couch every night, is wondering if you will come home or not. This woman who knows that you lack a lot to be a good man, that you do bad things and hurt people. But she is still waiting because she is worried about you. Do you understand what I mean?"_   
  
  


I understood perfectly. Although in my eyes a woman, who accepts the harm of innocent children that also valets her is a woman who closes her eyes to a flock of lovers not out of love but out of sheer comfort. Precisely for this pool, for these villas and small, ten-year-old orphans who are dying at the flowerbeds in her garden. For me it wasn't love. And certainly not the one I wanted myself. Love from comfort and habits.

I slowly put Hyuck to bed and covered him with the duvet. I took off jacket and shirt slowly, throwing them carelessly onto the armchair. I no longer had the strength to put them back in place. I quickly chenged into sweatpants and t-shirt, then slid onto the mattress next to Donghyuck. I don't remember the last time we were in one bed. We haven't had such contact with each other for a long time to spend the night in our company anyway. 

I embraced the boy gently at the waist when he coughed and I wasn't planning to let him go today.  
  


♥

**[donghyuck]**   
  


My first thought when I woke up was the thought that it was finally warm and pleasant. Minhyung's calm breath warmed my neck and his shoulders made me feel like didn't want to move even a millimeter. However, I had to keep in mind the time that I ignored irresponsibly when crossing the threshold of Mark's apartment. I turned slowly towards the boy and leaned over his shoulder to look at the digital clock on the bedside table.

12:17

We were supposed to be at 6 at Steven's. There was still a lot of time left. I laid back down but this time facing Minhyung. I slowly combed the boy's hair, which was shorter than last time and slightly shaved on the sides. I was curious when he found time for a barber yesterday. But he did well. His long shag started to annoy me. Such medium length served him best.

Mark slept peacefully, breathing calmly and steadily. I slowly ran finger over the boy's cheek, holding breath for a moment. When I reached the black-haired lips with fingertips, I felt a bit like someone completely shameless. However, I couldn't help myself because there was something unusual about sleeping Lee. He was a completely different person than the one everyone knew in everyday life. There was something peaceful in this Minhyung, almost childish. For a moment I managed to forget that he is a person capable of really violent actions, acts of aggression, which are the manifestation of his inner demon. The calmness on Mark's face made it hard to believe that it was usually drawn by irritation, nervousness or coldness.

I could barely suppress a powerful yawn. I found that since it is so pleasant for me, there is no point in stopping it with an unnecessary wake up call. I slipped leg between Minhyung's legs and snuggled carefully into his chest. The dream came very quickly.  
  
  


When I opened my eyes the second time that day, it was slowly getting close to 3 pm and Mark wasn't around me. I rolled over on back, stretching stagnant muscles. I closed eyes for a moment, breathing deeply, then sat down slowly just to be carried away by a disgusting throat-breaking cough.

"Take it," said the boy, holding out a mug with steaming contents towards me.

"What is it?" I asked, looking inside. It smelled very good.

"Elderberry infusion," he murmured, slipping over me. He didn't seem to get enough sleep because as soon as he rested head on my stomach, he put arm around my waist and closed eyes, sighing heavily.

"Where did you get that stuff?" I was surprised, taking a sip carefully.

"Mom once gave me a jar of it when I was sick," he whispered. "Apparently does well to the throat," he added after a moment, when I sank fingers into his hair and began to play with stray wisps.

"Thank you," I said softly so as not to strain throat. Then we were silent for a long time.

It was a strange silence. Neither pleasant nor somehow awkward. As if due to the lack of topics a bit, although actually these topics still existed. I couldn't describe it. I was just glad that we spent time together - specifically but at least together. Minhyung was also pleased in his own way. Time after time the boy's thumb moved slowly over my ribs.

"You coughed terribly at night," he muttered finally.

"What time did you come back?" I asked out of curiosity.

"Around four," he sighed heavily, rising on elbow. Mark was looking at me for a long time.

"Mmm?" I laughed.

"Stay a few days at home, hm?" he said worriedly. "I'll handle it," he assured, seeing doubt in my eyes.

"How?" I smiled indulgently. Lee shrugged, which meant that he had his ways. "Come on," I whispered, sliding gently with the edge of index finger along his nose. "I won't die."

"But you'll be struggling with it much longer than normal."

"Hyungie..."

"Don't piss me off," he said firmly. "You have nothing to say."

"Mhm," I murmured, trying to bite tongue at the end of which hung down _as usual_. This time he was driven by pure concern, I knew that. But whenever he locked me in this cage of ruthless compliance to his decisions, it twisted me from the inside. "What time are we supposed to be at Steven's?" I asked, wanting to quickly change the subject, although I knew perfectly well the answer to this question. We couldn't argue now, since we weren't even reconciled. I had to refrain from unnecessary comments.

"6 pm."

"Okay."

♥

**[minhyung]**   
  


We took the elevator to the sixth floor in complete silence. I knew I did it again. I saw it after Hyuck's expression. As always, I've chosen the wrong words and tone for the circumstances. I didn't know how to get rid of this need to control everything. I couldn't order him, I knew that perfectly well. I also knew that it wasn't about using it in this particular situation. Just the fact that I did it again. It was all hard. But at least I tried.

I nudged Donghyuck with elbow, wanting to break the ice somehow. The boy looked at me tiredly, then gave a weak smile, shook head in resignation and rested forehead on my shoulder. At this point, annoyingly enough, the elevator reached the right floor.

"Of course...," murmured my consolation and the brunet laughed, pulling away from me lazily.

"What can we do?" he whispered in a voice so hoarse that I had to grimace.

"Save your throat," I suggested calmly. Hyuck sighed heavily, pressing the bell. "Because I listen to you with a heavy heart?" I asked uncertainly with undisguised weight.

"Much better," he croaked again and at that moment Steven stood in the doorway.

"Jesus, how awful you sound" he greeted quite specifically and I couldn't hide a soft snort. Lee in response to each of us showed his middle finger, then entered the apartment. Steven and I shook hands quickly and followed Hyuck. "Do you know why we all meet at my place?" he asked, standing by the couch we sat on. I shrugged, noting that he was somehow tense. Donghyuck also watched him closely, though discreetly. I had a strange feeling that Hyuck knew the reason perfectly well because when I gave him a questioning look, he looked down and shook head.

"Maybe Marco said it's time to change spot," I said carefully. "After all, how much can you admire my apartment," I murmured, noticing a piece of pink material between the side of the sofa and the pillow. "Since you can always discover something new here," I said with a smile, pulling out a tiny, cotton non-slip sock. I shook head in mock disapproval. In fact, I was slightly shocked. "Mr. host..." I murmured. Steven's lips tightened, hands on hips. A grave silence filled with questions and understatements prevailed in the room. We looked into each other's eyes long and hard, as if all the answers were hiding their lair there. Finally, Steven broke.

"The fuck do you want to hear?" he asked aggressively.

"Nothing at all," I said, raising hands up. At that moment the bell rang and Hyuck instinctively snatched sock from my hand and put it in pants pocket. I raised eyebrows in a gesture of surprise. I didn't fully understand how it was possible that my boyfriend knows more about the life of my longtime friend, whom he knows less than two years. I would be lying saying that it didn't hurt me. I felt a little betrayed.

"We'll talk about it later, okay?" Steven asked, giving me a panicked look.

"Well, I'm not going now, unless you prefer to discuss such things in the forum and ask what our boss thinks about it," I smiled sarcastically.

"I don't want to," he snarled, like a game in a dead end, then started off at the door.

"We'll talk too," I whispered, sending Hyuck a disappointed look.

"It's not our business, Hyungie," he muttered a little conspiratorially. "Give him a break," he asked.

"You know I won't," I replied quite seriously. Lee looked toward the door at Marco and the words he was going to say to me died on his lips.

"Do as you think," he croaked resignedly, crossing arms over chest. I rolled eyes. I still missed my offended man on the list today.

"Stop it, I was just kidding," whispered with a clear grace. In fact, I lied. But Donghyuck didn't need to know that.

"Sure you were," he commented briefly and then remained silent for a long time. Who I was supposed to trick...  
  
  


"I don't know, guys..." Marco murmured, rubbing tired temples. "In general, you have a rest for Christmas and I don't want anything from you until the new year," he spread hands from side to side. "Later, large arms deliveries will start and so on and so forth, new partners. You'll find out everything in your time. "

"And when are our guests from Edmonton leaving?" I asked reluctantly, noting that at the mere mention of Zayn I began to stomp feet nervously.

"Oh, that's right. Good that you reminded me," he was pleased. "Haechan, you will take them to the airport tomorrow morning," he announced, pointing at Lee with finger. Brunet nodded as a sign that he understands. "I'll send you text with details," he assured and the boy nodded again. "Let them fuck off. No more exchanges," he sighed heavily. "And tomorrow evening, Steven, you have to dump the bodies because they're starting to stink," he added with a grimace of disgust on his lips, then got up from the couch. Steven watched Perez's every step closely, focusing on where he turned the body, in which direction he was looking. If he did aside what I thought he was doing, he had a lot to lose. I wasn't surprised at all that he was monitoring Marco with such precision. However, such tactics weren't the best solution in my opinion either. One male in the fight for position immediately senses when his opponent feel a glow of fear. Marco was a master of recognizing the stench of someone else's panic. Steven should know this best.

"I think we're all outa here," I said, getting up quickly from the couch. I also wanted to go home. I wasn't going to spend the whole day in this flat.

"Are you in a hurry somewhere?" Perez asked suspiciously. I rolled eyes.

"Home?" I stated in a tone that expressed obvious obviousness.

"The home bird had been found," he muttered under breath. I sighed heavily, opening the door before him.

"I enjoy the air of freedom and loneliness," I said.

"Sure," he snorted. "Haechan?" he asked curiously, wonderfully paying attention to the boy. He probably wanted to know if he was in a hurry home as well as me. And especially if both of us are in a hurry to the same location. However, Donghyuck was the smartest of us all here. His brain worked faster than mine, Marco and Steven all together, so he probably had the answer ready this morning.

"I'll stay for a while longer," he snored, forcing a pale smile, then coughed in a hand. Marco winced as if the sound hurt and disgusted him simultaneously. And it probably wasn't too far from the truth.

"Do us a favor and don't show up for a few days at work," he said, crossing the threshold. Brunet nodded in confirmation to Perez's back. I looked at him with raised eyebrows, nodding at Steven. I felt exposed.

"What?" he asked mute.

"Jack shit," I replied, glancing at him defiantly. Hyuck smiled to himself and showed me a heart made of fingers. I shook head in disbelief and closed the door behind. Unbearable brat.

♥

**[donghyuck]**   
  


"Why did you do this to him?" I asked Zayn when we stopped at the airport parking lot. Brian had gone ahead with luggage, so I decided that this was the last moment I could ask him a question.

The man turned to me and looked reluctantly. Since the incident in Mark's office, all three of us have successfully avoided each other. None of us wanted or simply couldn't look at the second or third one. Suskind let out a long sigh, crossing arms over chest. He shrugged, looking somewhere above my head.

"Because of you," he finally said, piercing me with a reproachful look.

"Of me?" I was really surprised. "You didn't even know me then," I told him in a hoarse voice, hoping he would understand how ridiculous his words were. There was no option for me to take on this man's guilt and remorse on my shoulders.

"You know..." he laughed bitterly, as if was going to explain to me now the simplest thing in the world that I haven't yet grown up to understand. "When Mark came to Edmonton, our relationship wasn't bad from the very beginning," he explained calmly. "Actually... we had a lot of fun together," he added with a smile so raunchy and disgusting that I was beginning to enjoy that I didn't eat any breakfast because everything had rolled over inside. "I felt like I finally found someone similar to me," he continued with much less enthusiasm than he had at first. I guessed it was the rather less exciting part of the story. "I found a briefcase with your picture in Mark's things. We were terribly drunk. I asked him who the person was," he sighed heavily. This conversation clearly didn't suit to him and tired. However, I wanted to know the reason for his behavior too much to let him go without explanation. "Mark said that is someone who had his head confused and from who he's still running away because of feelings he started to have. And you know... it hurt. "

"That's why you fucked him without his consent and now you tell me it's my fault," I was surprised. I was really shocked. Zayn laughed. I've noticed long ago that his emotional responses to given events are fascinatingly inadequate to the situation.

"I'm not a person who can be easily hurt and it hurt me," he said with growing anger. "I felt used like a poor substitute."

"This is no explanation, Zayn," I whispered in disbelief. According to his reasoning, I should now rape every guy I met in the club just because I had various unpleasant experiences and sexual assaults behind me.

"But I'm not going to explain myself, Haechan," he said, placing the scorn on my nickname. "You asked, so you got the answer. I never suppress my emotions and regret nothing that has happened," he said quite seriously. "Coming here just made me realize why.

"Why what?" I asked powerlessly. I really didn't know what he meant.

"You're beautiful," he said dispassionately, turning back on me. "Worth the sin in its own way," he said loudly, not looking back once. "Goodbye."

♥

**[minhyung]**   
  


I watched from a distance as Donghyuck unpacked the shopping that we had a long hour at the supermarket today. Lee was asking if I had any weird things at home and I couldn't answer. I didn't know it at all. It was the boy who had some vision of dinner, breakfast, various dishes and other quirks. I pledged to push the trolley - and nothing more. My role was clearly defined in advance, so I wasn't prepared to answer any questions.

"What happened to this fridge?" he asked with a slight hoarseness after a while arranging vegetables in plastic drawers.

"Apart from you, nobody cooks in this house, so I guess it just happened somehow," shrugged, leaning butt against the back of the living room sofa.

"What did you actually eat?" he thought aloud, closing the fridge. He threw empty bags into the bin, then fixed his typical alert and worried gaze on me.

"You know..." I murmured uncertainly, wondering how to explain him that apart from a can of beer, a jar of pickles and an old stone-hard bun, nothing had been available here for a long time. "I hunted and other men's stuff like that," I joked without a gram of conviction. "Various things" I summed up with a quiet grunt when I couldn't make him laugh. Hyuck shook head disapprovingly.

"I'm able to notice this variety at a glance," he sighed heavily. Well, I've recently lost a lot of weight but it wasn't like that before I presented myself especially athletic so the change, after the balance of profits and losses, I rated positively. Donghyuck had a different opinion but I never thought I would satisfy him in terms of nutrition. If I wanted to please him, I would take a wheelbarrow to work because the walk would be impossible.

I began to look at him, wondering if the relationship between us could have changed that much. He was still here, bustling around the kitchen and checking cupboards for food shortages. I laughed at the sight of it. He was impossible.

I felt differently towards him and in this relationship in general. As if I was surprised because I no longer wanted fireworks. I began to wonder if it was somehow an introduction to youthful old age, premature introduction to middle age or maybe our turbulent past, a million quarrels and a report of tragic transitions. Some, after 30 years of marriage, didn't have the baggage of experience like us after less than eight months of intensive dating. I looked at Hyuck and I felt calm for the first in a long time. Complete bliss, which resulted from the belief that it finally begins to become stable, that if I get over it, nothing should be screwed up anymore.

"What?" Donghyuck suddenly laughed in a way that pulled me from this strange trance and brought me back to reality. I realized that I had to look at him like a puppy at a chew toy.

"Nothing" shrugged and looked down at feet.

After a while, I heard the boy's slow, sluggish steps, directed towards me. I looked at him uncertainly as he stood between my legs with an unreadable expression on face. Only when brunet's fingers gently ran over my cheek I allowed myself to place hands under his buttocks.

It was the principle of touch for touch.

A rule I've been a slave to for some time.

I assumed that if you make stupid things you have to pay for them. I paid and tried to pay this fee with dignity, although it was sometimes really difficult. Like, for example, now, when Hyuck's fingers wandered around the various corners of my face. They disappeared in my hair for a moment, so that a second later they brush forehead, nose and stop on the lower lip.

"So?" he asked in a whisper, returning to this terrible subject called _What is bothering you?_ Well, I was usually bothered by too many things to put it reasonably in a concise sentence. But I knew what bothered me this second, what devoured me from the inside and made me realize how a great slave of my body man can be. I didn't have to say it out loud. Donghyuck saw it perfectly in my eyes every time we were close and I couldn't even kiss him. I knew that brunet just wants to hear what is going through my throat so hard. I looked at him uncertainly, literally on the edge of some uncontrollable emotionality.

"I missed you," I whispered barely audibly, as if I was afraid of these words myself. Donghyuck nodded slowly, grabbing my chin.

"I missed you too" replied honestly and without much problem, as it was in my case. "So much," he added, quickly bringing our lips together in a strong kiss.

Somehow I didn't need more encouragement. I've been thirsty for his body for a long time. 

Maybe that's why we got rid of our clothes faster than we ever managed to move. 

It's hard to describe the moment when you can finally get to your man after a few weeks of severe drought. This is not even finding an oasis in the desert, it was a sensation far beyond the possibilities of my imagination. I felt that thoughts were running away somewhere, becoming completely monothematic.

We made it to bed completely naked. There were no half measures today, we didn't waste time on foreplay and other bullshit. Everything happened very quickly. Entering Hyuck, I felt his nails painfully sticking into my back. However, it was a very pleasant pain - born of ecstasy.

I was constantly amazed at how perfectly matched our bodies were.

How it all harmonized with each other.

Today, we enjoyed with all this in relative silence, without moans or shouts. For a change, we were panting hard, being unable to catch the slightest breath. It resulted only from pure greed because we wanted to have everything at once - lips by lips, body in the body, wet lips on the neck and breasts, thirsty hands wherever possible.

"Harder, Hyungie" I heard but I wasn't sure if this words really left the brunet's mouth or only were dictated to me by subconscious. But I listened to this voice, adjusting the body movements to it. Then the first groan appeared followed by a series of moans, both silent and those on the verge of screaming.

"I missed you" I repeated with the last of my strength, coming with this thought in the crush of brunet's thighs.

"I know," he laughed after a moment when we were able to communicate anyway.

"Mhm," I murmured, not expecting a similar statement. Donghyuck only smiled at the sight of this confusion, wiping it from my lips with a soft kiss that I answered without thinking. We exchanged kisses slowly and gently, as if every slightest brutality could destroy everything.

And I didn't want to be brutal anymore.

_To love means to give up strength_ , as I once read in a book. And I really wanted to love Hyuck. And I wanted to give up everything that stands in my way.

Unintentional brutality was just such an obstacle.  
  
  


While Hyuck was cooking dinner for us, I watched his body from a distance and looked for something that could change in him since I saw him naked. Because of the deep wounds that didn't want to heal enough to tattoo anything on them, his back was still clean. I was hoping it would stay that way and Hyuck was also relieved when he heard the tattooer's refusal. Deep down, he clearly didn't want to do it. At least I had time to convince him not to change anything and leave it as it is. He hated his body, which I loved as it was. Each of us had something that he loved in the other and which he honestly despised in himself.

"What?" I murmured when Steven called.

"I'll give you _what_ , fucking yap," he answered indignantly and I laughed. Hyuck smiled too because I was close enough for him to hear this conversation. My friend - hypocrite.

"The master of savoir-vivre said," I sighed heavily, shifting eyes to some strange something Lee was stirring in the pan. "What do you want?" I asked.

"We need to get rid of these bodies today," he said bluntly.

"Now?" I was surprised.

"Not now, after midnight," he muttered wearily. "I'll let you enjoy make-up sex for a moment."

"How do you know that there was make-up sex?" I asked suspiciously, sending Hyuck a raised eyebrow. Brunet knocked on my forehead. All in all - right. It would be a sick thing to inform Steven about such things.

"Instead of speaking, you're chirping," he told me. Hyuckie laughed.

"Fuck off," I just said and hung up.  
  
  


"How could you hide something like that from me?" I asked, unable to shake off astonishment for a long time.

"You don't have to always know everything," Steven moaned as we threw a black sack at the bottom of one of the ditches.

"Maybe I wanted to be an uncle, huh?" I mocked, taking gloves off my hands. "Godfather," I added with mock reflection. "I have dreams too, you know?," I assured, empathizing when Steven looked at me with disgust.

"You can't even keep your man with you," he said brutally in reply. "Not to mention being uncle to my children."

"Oh," I said with exaggerated offense. "So I'm going to pee and there was no topic."

Steven didn't protest. He made a gesture that spoke _open road, my friend_. That is why I set off in search of a tree that would be blessed by golden rain today.

I didn't just ask him the basic question. Namely, _why Donghyuck and not me_? I was tired of this, although I guessed it make sense. Donghyuck just had to suspect this much faster and got the chance to confront his work friend with his knowledge. I also understood my lack of empathy, cruelty, life disgust or questionable mental health. Still, I was a trustworthy person and my emotions didn't matter that much here.

Or maybe for Steven it was different?

Maybe he was looking for a different kind of understanding than I could offer him?

It was possible.

It even made sense in its own way.

Crickets hid in the grass, softly playing the end-of-season melody. It was terribly strange because in my opinion for a long time no insects outside were right. Cold weather often frosted the morning windows, dampening the rays of the already cloudy sun even more. The world fell asleep. The reckless summer has come to an end, just like the autumn period of calming down and preparing us for stagnation.

At least I thought so.

However, when I got back to the road leading to the car, I realized that this was just the beginning of the solstice, that it hadn't gone away at all because there is always hidden shit that you can step in.

And we both apparently did it.


	44. Mesmerizing color of nothing

**[november 2020]**

_Eenie, meenie, minie mo._

_Catch a tiger by the toe._

_If he hollers, let him go._

_Eenie, meenie, minie mo._

**[donghyuck]**   
  


"What the fuck is this?!" Marco yelled at entire office. All three of us shuddered in response to this manifestation of fury. He made it clear to us that the matter was serious. Much more serious than we thought at the moment, although I learned everything just few minutes ago. Steven and Minhyung had to deal with it all night.

Marco paused an excerpt from the morning news that reported the brutal murder of a young policeman who was shot after only a week of service. He was twenty years old. Before his death, he reported to the police station that he saw a man throwing a large black bag into a ravine and that, in his opinion, it was probably corpse. He decided to investigate the situation, asking for help if necessary.

"Tell me, what is this, boys?" Marco asked again, more calmly, as if helplessness was consuming him from the inside. He rubbed overworked head slowly.

"A small accident at work," Steven said, unimpressed by the whole situation. He didn't see the problem at all and I didn't really see it either. Such things have already happened here. The policemen were killed in our basements and after a while everything consigned to history. The only major problem now was finding another place to get rid of the bodies and what they can conclude from searching the ditch. People were throwing garbage there, we were throwing away corpses - all in the conviction that the bottom of the abyss doesn't exist. What if it turns out differently?

"Who shot?" Perez sighed heavily.

"Me," Mark confessed, his throat tight after a long silence.  
  
  
  


_A bell rang me out of my sleep. I glanced at the phone. It was four in the morning. There were not many options on the list of those who could bounce at my door at an hour that I couldn't qualify to the night but it wasn't appropriate for the day as well._

_I dragged myself out of bed, hoping it wasn't the police. I've never been ready for this eventuality. When the bell rang again, I was going down the stairs in my classic pajamas set - shirt and boxer shorts. When I opened the door, I saw Minhyung shivering with cold. It wasn't such a tragic temperature today but I didn't get much time to think about all this._

_"Hi," I greeted quickly and Lee just came in and hugged me tightly. After initial amazement, I returned the embrace, kicking the front door to its proper place. "Something happened?" I finally asked, gently combing the boy's hair, then kissed his really frozen cheek._

_"No, nothing," he murmured in a falsely amazed tone that I could already recognize. "Something must happen to visit my boyfriend?" he was surprised in a way that once made me feel guilty that I asked such a stupid question at all. Now, however, I knew this mechanism perfectly. Minhyung explained himself, masking all the problems that affected him as soon as he could. He overshadowed the real life tragedy by a way of conversation that gave me unequivocally to understand that something had happened with him that is incredibly hard for him but he can't talk about it, he can't put it into words. To an outsider, Minhyung may seem to be in a good mood. The truth is, however, that everyone who knows the boy personally knows that he never has a good mood, and if he has somehow miraculously - he doesn't externalize it to such extent as when his world is collapsing._

_That's why I looked at Mark carefully, searching for any clues in this narrative today. But I gave up. This boy was still a mystery to me. Whenever I had the impression that I already have him, that I begin to figure him out, the black-haired effectively led me out of this mistake. Unfortunately, the truth was that Mark wanted to understand himself as well and he succeeded with varying degrees of success._

_"No," I finally said, taking his face in both hands. "Don't have to," I assured, smiling sleepily. There was no point in delving into this topic. If Minhyung feels it's the right time to talk, he'll just tell me. I've learned to live in such a delusion. "Are you staying overnight?" I asked, though it was obvious. I just wanted to make it easier for him to verbalize the request he's not used to verbalizing._

_"I can stay," he said, as if he hadn't come with that intention at 3:47 am. Everyone was happy, everyone was satisfied._

_"Then we'll go to sleep to my mother's," I decided, grabbing Mark's hand as he got rid of jacket. "I've such a mess in my room that you might not survive it," I warned loyally._

_"Ah yes?" he laughed as we entered the room behind the stairs. "Mom won't mind?_

_"She won't even know," I said when we got to her bedroom. "She went with Ted to some weekly confectionary trade fair."_

_"I see romance flourishing," he murmured, looking around the woman's room._

_"You can say that," I replied with a smile, pushing aside the quilt evenly distributed on the bed. In many respects my mother could get along with Minhyung perfectly. She didn't even realize how similar they were. Maybe that's why she didn't like him so much._

_"Will we go to work together tomorrow?" the boy asked suddenly, taking off pants slowly._

_"I just have to be there by 9:30 at the latest," I warned him when we were both lying on the mattress._

_"Okay, I'll get up," he whispered, hugging me tightly. We lay there for a moment without a word. I felt Mark's calm, steady breathing gently tickling my neck. He finally laid a slow kiss in the same place. "I don't want to go there alone."_   
  
  
  


Nightmares tormented him that night. He came to me as if had expected it before and knew that he couldn't survive all alone.

All this made me look at him very carefully. Lee's whole behavior took on at least some sense. Minhyung stood against the wall, leaning back at it. He crossed arms over chest, looking down at the floor. The way of speaking with Marco was extremely calm and even humble, as if he himself thought that guilt was the right thing to feel.

Perez probably took it as a feeling of guilt about the damage caused to the company and putting it in a certain uncomfortable position lined with a slight threat to security. After all, he was the boss here. I could accuse him of not having any human reflexes but it was still his business. I couldn't get into the man's shoes, this time I admitted some partial legitimacy to his fears.

I perceived it as guilt of killing a man. Maybe Mark hated people, killed dozens of them but he wasn't some kind of degenerate who couldn't tell he was doing wrong. Minhyung had higher feelings, no one had the right to deny it. I've seen almost every side of this boy and knew that there are emotions in him, that they exist. It is simply their holder's verbalization or any physical manifestation that comes with great difficulty. Just because you can't see something doesn't mean it's not there.

What else claims Steven, who generally had all this deep in ass. Just like now. He didn't see any problem at all and everyone around him exaggerates the caliber of the matter, raising it to the unknown format. Traditionally, he denied the sense of this discussion, denied the amount of time we devoted to this matter, denied Mark's precautions and internal life. In other words, as usual, he denied fucking everything except his fucking ignorance.

"Weapons on my desk," Perez finally decided, when he realized that talking to arguments and explanations was pointless and he should finally use the force of submission to authority. "We're just missing the police here."

"You act as if a policeman on duty was killed for the first time in New York," Steven said indignantly.

"He was the son of the prosecutor, Steve" Marco sighed heavily, outlining what the real problem was. "So finish barking, put the gun down politely on the desk like Mark and get the fuck out of my sight."

It was the final end of the meeting. All three of us left Perez's office in silence. Minhyung without a word went towards his room and Steven to the basement.

As usual, I was left alone in the middle of a conflict that didn't concern me.  
  


♥

**[minhyung]**   
  


His age seemed to be the biggest problem in all this. The age at which you're still a kid but still a kid on the road where adults are already walking. Prospects for development, learning, student life, maybe some university fraternity with a strange Greek letter embroidered on a sweatshirt - all this he could potentially achieve. He could if people like us didn't get in his way. Or rather if he didn't get in way of people like us.

The boy was Hyuck's age. And that hurt me the most. Both Donghyuck and his deceased age-peer were on two different sides of the barricade. On the side of darkness and justice. While this dark half was more dangerous, paradoxically half of justice lost a person. What I was most afraid of in this situation was retaliation. My world was ruled by karma, so the result of the logical calculation of the karmic equation was the fact that since I took someone's son, brother, boyfriend or friend, now something will be taken from me. There was no such problem in my head before. Only recently it appeared.

Because until recently I had nothing.

And nothing can't be taken away from you if you never had it.

I carefully cut out the portrait of the deceased policeman from today's newspaper to put it where it belongs. I had a strange habit of keeping photos of people I killed, as if I hadn't completely reconciled with their deaths. I put photos in a cardboard box with the lid barely able to be closed. I didn't change it for a larger one because each time I told myself that this is the last photo, that it's time to end it all. But the end never happened and the photos stuck to each other more and more, waiting for the moment when the goblet of bitterness painfully overflows.

I always kept a bottle of whiskey next to the box. I received it as a birthday present from Marco years ago. It was a very expensive drink, limited edition, almost seventy years, two liters - as scarce as hen's teeth from mafia auctions in the Hong Kong underground. Perez pointed out to me that this is a unique whiskey for a special man for exceptional problems. That's why I've never opened it. It was in this locked drawer next to the altar in memory of my unwanted personality. I took it gently in hand and turned several times, until I reached for the crystal glass with the conviction that the day of extraordinary sadness had come for me. The day I gave in to my own unprocessed traumas, fears about the future and fear of losing what was most precious to me today.

I looked at the purple hyacinth in full bloom, then flooded the glass with a brown drink, looking away from it.

For a person like me who can't talk to others about his problems, alcohol was the perfect solution. The whiskey didn't ask, didn't penetrate, didn't scratch the wounds that were to be healed. Whiskey understood and soothed. 

And that's what I needed today.  
  


♥

**[hunter]**   
  


"Give it to this bastard," Vernon murmured reluctantly, handing me a thick briefcase from Mr. Perez for Mark Lee.

"You don't like him, do you?" I asked, barely stopping the whole load of excitement from external manifestation that I felt when I heard the command. I saw this as my chance - a chance to get notice, talk, devote a moment of attention.

"With reciprocity," the man sighed heavily. "He's a very bad man," he muttered. "Soulless, ruthless, no conscience. Such always frighten the most."

"You work for one," I whispered uncertainly. Vernon gave me the look I always got from school teachers when I was speaking about something. It was a look that told me that I don't know anything about life yet and makes rash judgments about a reality in which I can't turn around and about which I have zero knowledge.

"Against all appearances, the person who's subject you are, has much more heart than the person you're blindly staring at," he told me, smiling with sadness and sincere pity. I swallowed hard. "There's nothing there, Hunter," he said, placing hand on my shoulder. "Don't even delude yourself that you can find anything there. It is a bottomless pit. "

I couldn't believe it. The truth was, no one was rotten to the core. There was a particle of good in every human being, which perhaps only his surroundings couldn't see. If the environment told you to be a degenerate and accepted you only if such conditions were met, then you became the degenerate so that the adaptation to the group was successful. And if you met a person on your path who saw goodness in you, your soul will be soaked with that good.

That's why I didn't talk to Vernon anymore. I accepted his opinion and advice in silence. I didn't go into further discussion because I didn't think it made any sense. I walked slowly down the corridor, feeling my heart beating faster and louder. It was a huge step for me. A milestone in our non-existent relationship.

"What?" I heard after knocking on a heavy oak door. This voice didn't sound like Mark, so before I pressed the doorknob, I thought about it a million times, until I went a step further and then I stood in the doorway. Lee sat on the edge of the desk, slightly bent over a cut hand, from which he was taking out the remnants of glass after a whisky tumbler lying on the ground in pieces. I didn't even have to pay attention to the half-empty bottle to notice that the man was barely able to stand. Every now and then he wiped hand on a white T-shirt, leaving it with the same patches of red, turning into burgundy. "What the fuck, I asked," he hissed in pain, raising a hazy, slightly absent look at me. I shivered.

"I brought the briefcase from Mr. Perez," I explained in a slightly shaky voice. Lee nodded sluggishly as a sign that he understood.

"Put me on the desk," he sighed heavily, rising from the counter with some difficulties. I passed him skilfully, placing the documents in the indicated place. I watched Mark with some reserve, not quite knowing how to handle him in the state in which he was now. I had no idea how to treat him even when he was completely sober. He stood still for a moment and looked at the ground thoughtfully, then suddenly staggered and leaned on the edge of the sofa, from which he picked up the car keys with quite skillful movement. "Forgive me," he murmured as lost balance on way to the clothes hanger and grabbed my arm tightly to keep it. It literally took a second but it scared me anyway. 

The strength with which he did it was scaring.

"You don't intend to drive the car in this state, do you?" I asked with obvious panic, not imagining him after the liter of whiskey behind the wheel. As for me, it was a miracle that he survived pouring so much alcohol inside. Mark straightened up and slowly turned toward me, his eyebrows tightening in thought. Suddenly, however, he made an unexpectedly quick movement of his hand and gripped my jaw with a bloody palm. I wrapped fingers around the man's wrist in panic, hoping that it would alleviate the injuries I would probably wake up with tomorrow. If I wake up at all. I closed eyelids tightly, feeling the powerful smell of alcohol and my own terror.

"You're afraid," he said calmly, taking his judgment for granted. "Why?" asked, not loosing grip for a second. I didn't understand why so much strength was left in him since he could barely keep body vertical. "That was a question," he told me when I was still silent. I thought it was a reasonable strategy because talking to drunk people usually never had a positive ending.

"You're terrifying," I choked truthfully in relation to the current situation.

"Did you hear that of me?" he asked and I nodded vaguely, putting together likely scenarios of what might happen to me today. I couldn't lie to him. Besides, I didn't think it made sense. I had the impression that Mark could sense a lie even on the border of alcohol psychosis. Suddenly I felt his finger under my chin, which he gently raised up. "Look into my eyes when I speak to you" he mumbled. "I won't hurt you," he assured, making me somehow believe him. I didn't have much choice about that either. I just felt better mentally with this faith. When I opened eyes, I immediately came across the black ones in sight. Despite their intoxication, they still had the intensely mesmerizing color of nothing. "What are they saying about me down there?" he asked. I swallowed hard.

"That you're a monster," I whispered and Mark smiled to himself.

"Louder," he asked.

"That you are a monster" I raised my voice and then the grip of a foreign hand on my jaw loosened and finally let go completely.

"I won't argue with the facts," he sighed heavily, stepping away from me. After all, it seemed to me that his voice sounded disappointed. He finally pulled the jacket off the hanger and began to put it on viciously. At some point, however, his body bent too far back and if I didn't catch him, he would surely hit head on the dresser. When Mark stood up again on his own, he grabbed my wrist tightly and closed eyes as if he had to think about something. "Never do that again," he simply said, not specifying exactly what he meant. "Never touch me again without permission," he murmured with some unexplained regret, as if it weren't his words but a quote that he had to extract from the deep depths of his memory. "You can't... you can't touch people without... without permission," he explained gibberishly, slipping some keys in my hand. "Close the door behind me and put it in my pocket," he asked, staggering toward the exit. "Ah, pick up this hyacinth," he added, waving hand at the downed pot and a pile of soil on the ground. "It's a very important flower, you know?" mumbled, turning back on me. "I have to take care of it," he muttered, stepping down uncertainly from the first step. Then, however, he too quickly accelerated and stuck head against the opposite wall, wincing in pain. I was frankly fascinated by the fact that, despite drinking so much alcohol that would knock down even a big guy in battle, he was still thinking about the security of documents and such formalities as closing the office door. And even more bizarre was taking care of some stinky flower, when half the office was shattered. This man couldn't be locked in a rigid frame.

"Maybe I'll take you home?" I suggested, locking the keys in the pocket of his jacket. The man propped himself with a bloody hand on the wall behind him and pushed away from it, leaving a red mark on the paint.

"I'm fucked up, not disabled," he told me, moving slowly down the hall. His trip was slalom from one wall to another but I still stayed in te same place. I didn't know if I should because Lee would most likely end up in this state in a tree, a ditch or at a police station. On the other hand, I was afraid to oppose him, so I decided to just look at man until he was completely out of my sight.  
  


♥

**[donghyuck]**   
  


"Mmm...?" I murmured sleepily, half conscious while answering the phone.

"Hyuckie..." I heard a low wail on the other side. To be honest, I didn't need more to get up quickly.

"Mark?" I asked anxiously, sitting down on the bed.

"I'm a bad man," he said on the edge of some strange sobbing. I realized he was drunk as hell.

"Where are you?" I asked with a heavy sigh, resting forehead on bent knee.

"I'm foul... I killed them all... So many people, Hyuck," he mumbled.

"Where are you, Hyungie?" I asked firmly with growing panic.

"Hyuckie..."

"Where are you at the moment, I asked," I raised voice, bouncing back from the long silence. I glanced at watch. It was 3 am. Assuming in an optimistic version that he began to tank up somehow from the noon after the meeting, he was probably lying in a ditch and feeling sorry for himself.

"Down..." finally moaned.

"Down-where?" I asked, wondering what kind of harm I would do to him when I'll get there.

"Here, Hyuck," he murmured sleepily. "Down-here... Downstairs, Hyuckie" finally choked out.

"Are you at my house?" I asked, getting up from bed. I ran quickly down the stairs to the ground floor and by the time Mark could answer me I was opening the door and catching his limp body that was barely leaning on it.

"I'm a killer," he whispered tearfully as we collapsed to the floor. I rolled eyes and began to wonder how in this state I would drag him upstairs as discretely as possible.

"You're not," I murmured comfortingly, combing his hair stuck together by the force of some shit. I winced in disgust, glancing at hand. But when I realized that it was blood, I got paralyzed with terror. I knew that Minhyung was sometimes erratic. If after alcohol he did as immoral things as in anger, we could have had a big problem. "Stand up" I told him roughly, trying to lift us off the floor and get off the sight of too curious neighbors. Through the threshold I noticed an almost perfectly packed car, which delivered this finished fool somehow in one piece.

"I'm sorry for everything," he whispered sleepily, standing on feet.

"But cooperate, baby," I choked, pulling him towards the stairs. "You're not the lightest, you know?" I asked myself in total because contact with Minhyung was already as limited as possible. I only breathed a sigh of relief when I noticed that his hand was the source of the bleeding. Thanks to this, I was hoping that no one else was hurt.

"Donghyuck..."

"Just few more steps" I promised, having the impression that the last stairs before us would be some fucking Passion. I was too short to hold him if he staggered back harder. I had to carefully belay the boy with all my strength because I would end up with this concrete mass right at the bottom of the stairs.

"Donghyuck..." he muttered again.

"I'm listening," I panted, finally dropping him on bed. I fell exhausted to the ground next to my broken man.

"I'm not so bad, right?" he asked when I started looking at his badly injured hand.

"You're not, honey," I murmured, reaching under the bed for the first aid kit. There used to be a time when I used it almost every day, which is why I felt there was no point in putting it back to the bathroom all the time. Now, I thanked the old me with all heart because for nothing I would like to get up at the moment.

"Love me..." he asked after a long moment, not even wincing when I poured hydrogen peroxide on numerous scratches so that I could pull out the glass that was stuck in the skin. "I'm begging you, Hyuckie. Love me, regardless. Even though I'm a monster," he finished after a long moment. I looked at Minhyung with pity, touching boy's hot cheek with a cold hand.

"You're not a monster, don't talk stupid things," I whispered, wiping away the tears of Mark that suddenly appeared under his eyelids. "And I love you more than life," I assured, switching on the bedside lamp to see the wounded hand more clearly.

"For what?" he asked insipidly.

"For many different things," I said evasively. With a drunk man there is nothing to enter into unnecessary discussions. I've found this out many times myself. It is better to cling to the allusion and force the delinquent to sleep.

"What the fuck, are you stupid?" he was surprised at no jokes. "I'm an asshole," he said, making me laugh with that statement. I had to agree with him on this matter. He was a dick. But I have learned to live with such a dick, so I got used to his temper.

"I'm glad you're just here. You don't have to love for something specific," I explained to him, still smiling under breath.

I began to gently tie Minhyung's sanitized hand with a bandage. I wondered what he had done to himself, where he drank and why. I only saw drunk Lee once in my life and it was also the first time I got to know him. Today sex definitely won't be the end of the meeting because the boy barely moved but somehow the disgust remained in me. I didn't want him to drink alone. I preferred him to call me, come and talk. He could even shout at me if he would be better with it later. Alcohol, however, didn't serve him too well and usually he did terrible stupidity after it like smearing cow's shit of a high school teacher's car and jerking off on its side mirror. When Izzy told me about it, I couldn't believe that he was the same man I know.

By the time I finished tying bow on the bandage, Minhyung's eyes were closed and he was breathing heavily, probably sleeping for a long time. I shook head regretfully at the condition he had caused himself. I knew boy had worse time now but I didn't suspect it to be so unbearable. I kissed the inside of the boy's hand slowly, sighing heavily.

"I don't deserve you, you know?" he murmured suddenly and I felt chills. I didn't expect it at all. The more that his voice sounded quite sober. "I'm sorry for everything and thank you for being with me," he confessed calmly, still not opening eyes.

"Go to sleep, honey, we'll talk tomorrow" I replied in a whisper, combing his aesthetically unpleasant hair.

"Will you stay with me for the night?" he asked sleepily.

"I'll stay" sighed, resting temple on the bedside table.

"I agonize without you..." he muttered, frowning as if something hurt him a lot. "Every night is just a fucking torture..." he whispered tearfully, clutching head.

"I'm with you," I assured, looking with a heavy heart at his condition. "I'm here with you, Hyungie."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just wanted you to know that I somehow really love this chapter haha It's rare for me to like that much what I write but it's exception ♥


	45. Trying to change bad memories

**[november 2020]**

**[minhyung]**

In the morning I woke up with a headache that I've never even dreamed of in my worst nightmares. It literally burst my skull and chapped lips wouldn't make life easier. I opened eyes, closing them almost immediately when pupils were attacked by a terribly bright light.

_Where I am?_

I got up slowly to sitting position, feeling literally every one of my limbs doing this, as if I had been running the obstacle relay at survival camp the day before. I looked sourly at my bandaged hand and bloody shirt. 

_Fuck, I feel like shit._

Apparently, I was in Hyuck's disgustingly cluttered room. Looking at what it looked like, I wasn't surprised at all that he never wanted to let me in here. Just as I initially thought he was hiding something here, now I understood that he was simply concerned about my cleanness-sensitive heart.

Small fragments of yesterday evening began slowly coming back to me. Gradually, before my eyes came memories of consuming expensive whisky from Marco, reviewing photos and then, after a huge hole in my memory, appeared to me image of Donghyuck pulling me upstairs and reminded me of mumblig cheap flummery to him before falling asleep. In the face of this, all that mess around me just turned pale.

"Good God," I sighed heavily, hiding my face in hands. How low can a person fall?

I just hoped that I didn't do anything stupid during the time of total oblivion. If I hit a tree, the police would probably be here by now. If, on the other hand, I left some open files on top, Marco and Steven would also get me out of bed long ago. It would seem that I got to Lee's house without causing much damage to the property of both the company and society. The only question was how I actually got here from work. These two places weren't separated by some trivial kilometers and yet in my life in this state I couldn't get here on foot or by car. Too many things were left unanswered and this fact disturbed me greatly.

"Good morning," I said uncertainly to Hyuck's mother in Korean as I remembered when he told me that she still prefers when they comunicate in that language at home. She was sitting on the couch in the living room knitting a blanket. The woman looked at me suspiciously and just nodded in greeting. There was no option for her to like me someday. So far, I haven't even given her a grounds to do so. "Hi," I murmured uncertainly to my boyfriend, sitting down with obvious pain at the kitchen table.

"Hello, party princess," laughed as he approached me and gave a kiss on the forehead. "But you have a huge hematoma here," murmured, frowning in surprise. He ran thumb over the place where his mouth had been a moment ago. "Where you got this?"

"I would like to know too," I sighed, catching in hand hair still wet after the shower. "How did I get here?" I asked in a pained voice.

"Don't even piss me off," Hyuck simply said, putting water in the kettle. "What do you want for breakfast?" he asked instead.

"I won't swallow anything," I sighed heavily, rubbing swollen eyelids.

"Then drink tea at least," he ordered and I realized that any objection was out of the question, so I just nodded in agreement. "You got here by car, of course," he finally told, sitting down in front of me with a plate of scrambled eggs.

"What the hell?" asked in hoarse voice. "You're just making fun of me," I sobered up suddenly, looking at him in disbelief.

"I would love to, honey," he said with a full mouth. "Fortunately, the car is in one piece, which I can't say about the owner," he added after a while chewing a slice of bread.

There was silence between us.

I looked at my damaged hand, bending it every now and then straightening again. I counted on this simple quality action to resuscitate my dead memories. Nothing like that happened and I didn't know when or how I had done such harm. Finally, Donghyuck got up from the table and went to pour tea, which I didn't feel like drinking at all but out of guilt I would bold it down even in a boiling state.

"Won't you reproach me?" I was surprised and looked at him uncertainly. The boy set a mug in front of me with a heavy sigh.

"I wanted to... but I realized it is nonsense," he admitted honestly, looking at my face tormented by alcohol solo vernissage I had. "Just call me to pick you up instead of going here totally drunk in the middle of the night. You only make neighbors an unnecessary party. "

"I'm sorry," I said with real repentance, honestly and with hand on heart. It wasn't me. That's not what Mark Lee does. I completely lost control over myself, detaching totally from the sense of reality surrounding me.

"What exactly happened?" Hyuck asked, worry pouring from his amber eyes with the burning heat. I felt even worse with it. I really preferred him to yell at me now, instead of showing understanding and care.

"I don't know," I admitted honestly, shrugging. I really felt lost right now. "I guess I had to release it all," I said, leaving in the realm of guesswork the details of the recent incidents in our lives that we both know too well.

"Okay... I get it," Donghyuck nodded, smiling. He returned to eating breakfast.

"Just like that?" I was surprised.

"Just like that."

♥

**[donghyuck]**

Mark said he had to get some fresh air, so he took me to the ocean. Despite all these treatments, he still had a hangover and a headache. I was hoping that at the smell of alcohol he would feel like vomiting for a long time. He's taking psychiatric medication, for God's sake. Such fun could end in death if he fell in the office and no one found him.

I squeezed Minhyung's hand tighter, fighting with gloomy thoughts. 

We walked slowly along the shore, enjoying the freedom of silence that surrounded us. The pleasant noise of the waves colliding with each other compensated even a little bit of this terribly cold wind blowing in our direction. The warm sweater and autumn jacket didn't seem to help at all. On the other hand, my guy was walking around only in a t-shirt and a regular, not very thick sweatshirt, so maybe it wasn't as cold as I thought. Or maybe he was still just warmed up from the inside with booze residue flowing in blood.

"This cop doesn't give me peace, you know?" he finally said, when we had a good distance from the parking lot behind us.

"I felt something that it was about him..." I sighed heavily, cuddling up in Mark's arm.

"It is different to shoot someone who will die anyway and it is different matter to kill a completely innocent person who was simply in the wrong place and time," he explained to me, separating our fingers just to put whole arm around me and pull us closer together.

"You can say that you both came across each other just in bad circumstances, Hyungie..." I whispered comfortingly, patting him on belly in calming way. "Our lives also contains these unpleasant coincidences, you know?" I explained to him and in response I received a silence and a heavy sigh.

"He was your age," Mark finally explained to me after a long silence what was the main problem in this whole situation. "Twenty years..."

"So that's because of that..."

"I just can't get over the thought that..." he sighed heavily, pulling a packet of cigarettes out of pants pocket. I didn't want to destroy his hope of firing it in this weather, so I chose silence. Finally the cigarette ended in the water and Minhyung was left without the dose of nicotine he needed to quell anxiety in lungs.

"I'm with you and I'm not going anywhere," I reassured him, seeing the boy's slightly irritated face.

"Life is unpredictable," he said, looking toward the foggy horizon.

"That's true..." I agreed.

We stopped in one place, facing the ocean. The lack of a living soul on the beach due to the approaching storm was something that saved people in such a hopeless situation as ours. Mark didn't like the weather the hot summer offered us anyway, so the end of autumn seemed to be perfect to enjoy being together outside. Everything suited me as long as we could hold hands and spend time together in the open air. I could even catch a cold and get pneumonia, if that was the price for a momentary feeling of doing with my other half things meant for all those couples hopelessly in love, publicly preening themselves with relationship they have.

"Here is where it all began..." Minhyung spoke suddenly, somewhat unexpectedly. "That thing between us..." he said at once, as if I wasn't aware of it at all. Such things can't be simply forgotten. Things like a place where you let a stranger fuck you (stranger released from a mental hospital that turnes out to be your firend's brother and guy with whom you work for mafia) during an ex-boyfriend's summer concert. I felt like a whore whenever I was thinking about it. I was just ashamed.

"Yeah..." I said quietly. When I remembered how we met each other, I couldn't get over the admiration that we had finally created any relationship. There must be a really short way from hatred to love and an even thinner line than I previously thought.

"It all started so wrong and you know..." he began uncertainly, glancing at me. "I would really like to change this memory somehow," he called timidly.

"How?" I asked, free hand holding the hair that the wind kept blowing on my face as I stood at that angle.

"I don't know, I haven't thought about it yet," he smiled uncertainly, shrugging. I couldn't help but laugh at this statement. Mark rolled eyes, nudging me lightly. Reluctantly, I took jacket off shoulders and put it on the cold sand. I sat cautiously on the denim, making room for Hyung when he decided to sit behind and hide me in arms. "We've lost so much time senselessly," he said after a while, resting chin on my shoulder.

"I know," whispered; the truth was I was literally thinking the same thing now. Maybe it should be like that? Maybe we should go through everything that happened to be better partners for each other now? I preferred to think that way. I've lost too many things in life to add to this long list the time spent adjusing to each other with Minhyung. "Do you think that someday we will be able to live and have life like normal people - together?" I asked about something with a future perspective. The past is behind us. There was no point in devoting more time to it than was necessary. Mark was silent for a long time. He clearly needed a long moment to think about the answer.

"I don't know," he finally replied. "But I really want it to be possible," he admitted when I tilted head back to look at him.

"For sure?" I asked uncertainly, succumbing to the illusion that all this time he was thinking about the answer I want to hear, not the one he wanted to say.

"Donghyuck..." Mark sighed heavily, brushing hair away from my forehead, on which he left a soft kiss. "Of course," he assured, touching with warm mouth first my cold cheek and then chapped lips. I deepened this kiss, putting hand on the boy's neck. I didn't understand how he could still be so warm in similar weather but I wanted to steal some of this warmth for myself.

"Do you still want to change that memory?" I asked, sitting astride him. I didn't care if he had hangover. Today was the most romantic day we've shared for long months. I couldn't let his stinking drunk ass waste this potential. Mark started laughing, pulling me closer by the hips.

"I don't dream of anything else," he admitted with a smile on lips as I grabbed him by the belt, opening the buckle. "Do you want to be on top of me today?" he joked mockingly. I knew perfectly well that this day would never happen. His ego, which considered domination as the highest value in life, loved my tight ass too much to switch roles.

"Look at you? Can I?" I murmured seductively, biting on the boy's ear.

"You can," he admitted dismissively. "It'll be fun," he laughed, leaning back. Minhyung leaned forearms on the sand, looking at me defiantly.

"Oh?" I hit him with the open hand in the chest. Minhyung raised eyebrows as if he really didn't mind.

I knew this game.

From my joke he went to play hard to get. He knew perfectly well that I didn't like being top and the only one such attempt with Seth was a failure. I didn't like this foreplay. I had to take it in my hands if I wanted to have good sex today.

I slid off Minhyung's knees to the sand, leaving him on the ground with the zipper open. I pulled a jacket from under his ass and put it on arms, looking at the boy from above.

"What's going on?" he asked confusedly when I took the first step back.

"What's going on?" I asked with an innocent smile. "Any problem down there, Mr. Lee?" I raised an eyebrow.

"Are you leaving me like this?" he was surprised, trying to grab my trouser leg. I took a quick step back.

"If you want me to help you, you must catch me first," I laughed, getting pure pleasure from Hyung's face that made me realize that it reached him he won't win with me. Maybe he wanted to dominate in bed but I set the rules on which this domination was based. It's time to finally get over it.

"You'll regret it so much, Haechan," he shook head, rising slowly from the sand.

I turned with a smile and started running ahead. The wind was constantly blowing in my face so much that I didn't know if I had chosen the right direction. I couldn't run too fast because it was going to rain soon and the wet sand on my ass wasn't pleasant prospect. That's why I adjusted the pace of my run to Minhyung's physical abilities, which weren't that great at all. I wanted good caresses, not penis floppy from effort, that's why I didn't develop Olympic speed. It was an escape in which I really wanted to be caught and solidly punished for wanting to flee.

After a short moment, I felt Mark's body collide with mine and my boyfriend's hands hugging me tightly around the waist. I started to laugh, bringing hands to chest. We rolled with impetus on the sand, ending this race in the position that always suited me best.

"Fuck, you're fast," he panted, leaning over me. Both Mark's hands pressed my wrists firmly against the ground. I smiled at him, breathing shallowly. I loved when he looked at me in such a wild way. The boy's eyes pierced me through, losing their dull features in favor of glittering with sparks of amusement and desire.

"Puffed yourself, grandpa?" I asked mockingly, although we were both panting in the same way. My condition must have worsened.

"Mhm," he admitted, breathing hard through nose. We looked at each other for a moment. Minhyung's pink cheeks gave him a boyish charm and the tangled hair the sex appeal vibe that turned me on. "But I still have libido of a teenager," he finally admitted, rapidly colliding our lips.

"That's what I expected," I gasped out, taking pants off his ass.

♥

**[minhyung]**

On the way back from the beach, Donghyuck fell off completely. He rested head on the windshield and seemed to have completely lost control of body but still held my hand with unshakable power. I smiled to myself. This smarty, as usual, only was on alert, although from the outside he looked like a saggy corpse. I once wanted to see what he looks like when sleeps not only with the body but also with the brain.

This day was very pleasant. I was shocked that you can spend time together in such a carefree way. We talked about serious things, we joked a little, we laughed and... I enjoyed such a life.

I liked being able to make Donghyuck laugh.

That I am able to make him laugh, instead of hurting him.

That I can talk to him and not necessarily argue immediately after that.

That we can really be together.

I wish this could mean that we start everything on a blank card. All over again. Today was a good day, perfect for a new start. We returned to the car from the beach laughing and holding hands. I wish it would stay that way.

Joyfully and without a quarrel.

It seemed to me that today's day spent together finally allowed me to make important decisions. Rather, improve the previous provisions that I created after our tragic quarrel. I decided very seriously that I had to change radically. To maintain this and ensure that we have a future ahead of us.

After all, after so many years I had a dream and I was going to get rid of anyone who would stop this dream coming true.

Even if it were to be me.

♥

**[steven]**

"It got off?" I asked Haechan when he finally came to the basement after an hour of absence.

"I don't know," he shrugged, sitting down in front of laptop. "I showed Minhyung how to scrub the wall and went away," he said calmly.

"You've been gone for almost an hour," I pointed out the way he had descibed his absence as if it was just few seconds. I was convinced that when wiping Mark's blood off the wall after the last libation, he dug into Marco's office after that time. Hyuck smiled to himself, raising eyebrows.

"Am I supposed to describe to you in detail, what I've been doing all this time?" he asked, biting lower lip slightly. I rolled eyes and turned to the computer.

I didn't believe that he was the same taciturn and quiet shit I had trained in the basement. He could confuse people head like no other. I've never met a person like him in my life. There was no one in the basement to manipulate the surroundings so well. Sometimes I found myself thinking about whether I had fallen into his trap. I was constantly working on finding signs that he remembers anything about training in the woods. Theoretically it was impossible but the closer I got to know Donghyuck, the more I came to the conclusion that I wouldn't be surprised at all, as if he had fooled us all.

What can I say.

He seduced Mark.

If Mark can be seduced, nothing is impossible in this world. A man who knows how to make a person without a heart fall in love with him without hesitation and be at his every wish, is more dangerous than any conflict between mafias. Donghyuck, whom I remember three years ago, is a child who would be able to destroy our entire company from the inside and slaughter without blinking anyone who touches him. That's why I just had too many questions.

How can someone from a killing machine change in the blink of an eye into a sweet dumpling seeking love in the arms of a psychopath?

Did I manipulate him or did we all get manipulated?

Can't Donghyuck really remember anything or was he pretending so well all this time?

Because of these stupid three questions, I couldn't give him to Marco. I had to take him for myself to keep an eye on and control. To get rid of him before Marco finds out that the brainwashing in the basement didn't go according to plan and he decides to get rid of me instead.

Another obstacle was that Donghyuck knew that I had started a family behind Marco's back. If only Perez learned that the first slut I had to kill for him became the mother of my children, he would have a heart attack and swept me off the earth surface just before his own stroke.

Was it just a coincidence that this mystery saw the light of day just when Haechan joined us?

Was the fact that he didn't even seem surprised by that disturbing?

"You made it?" I heard a quiet question behind me. I didn't notice when Mark came in. Thoughts of Donghyuck consumed me completely. They absorbed like a black hole. I looked at the two in the reflection of the screen of the turned off laptop.

"Have I ever failed to rise to the challenge?" Mark purred with a smile, kissing gently laughing Hyuck.

"Let me think about that..." he whispered, combing my friend's hair.

"You little bastard..." Mark started laughing loudly, turning Hyuck abruptly to the desk with the whole chair. "Better work," he commanded, gently pushing younger's head forward with forefinger.

"Fuck, I was supposed to take the documents to Marco," he suddenly jumped from chair when he reminded that duty, grabbing a briefcase in a hurry. "All because you distracted me, old coot," he groaned, running out of the basement. Mark started to laugh as followed his boyfriend to the exit. He walked slowly to brunet's desk and began looking at the things Hyuck is currently working on.

"Things between you two are finally going well?" I asked, looking through the potential Maddox's weapon trafficking route that the informant had prepared for us.

"Yes," he nodded calmly and without much emotion, as if asking him if he had sorted out the documents rather than asking for an opinion about his turbulent relationship with Donghyuck. "But I need advice," Mark said, sighing heavily. He walked slowly toward the printer, finally sitting on the edge of my desk. I gave him a questioning look. "What people do on dates, Steven?" he asked, clearly stressing. In turn, it stuck me in the armchair. "Don't comment, don't judge, just give me a fucking hint," he asked, waving hand matter-of-factly in my nose. He didn't feel comfortable asking for love advice but I also couldn't find myself in this awkward moment.

"Fuck, man..." I sighed heavily. I never expected such a question on his part. "I don't know what fags are doing on dates," I shrugged, wanting to joke him.

"And what straight do, fucking homophobe?" he laughed, knowing full well that I was the last person here to represent intolerant attitude.

"When I was a teenager, I invited girls to the cinema," I said some cliché shit and Mark nodded, as if I had just given him life advice. I smiled under breath, looking at him with pity. He really lost his shit for this boy. "Actually, wherever you take him, all you have to do is call it a date and it will be okay" I explained to him, so that the cinema wouldn't accidentally become the peak of romance he will be able to achieve in life.

"Cinema sounds good," he said, however, standing up. "It sounds really good," he admitted, walking toward the exit. I shook head sideways, concluding that Hyuck must really love him, though. Even the world's largest manipulator wouldn't tolerate it every day of his own accord without a gram of feelings.


	46. Miracle of hopeless romantic

**[november 2020]**

**[donghyuck]**

We drove in silence by car, running neatly through the empty, dark streets. Minhyung was clearly nervous all day, so I didn't create situations that could expose me to the boy's anger. I didn't ask about what happened, I didn't get into his problems because I knew perfectly well that I wouldn't get an answer anyway. This is how life with Mark looked like. I bounced off the wall, unless he had already done something so far beyond his ability to cope with it alone, that sometimes he broke off saying that something wasn't as he would have liked it to be. After all, I could count such situations on the fingers of one hand.

"Which way do you want to go?" I finally asked, when boy was turning the second time not where he should and I began to get the impression that we are moving farther away from our homes than approaching them.

"Never mind," he muttered, determined, tapping fingers nervously on the steering wheel.

"Minhyung, this is not a way home" I told him seriously, when it became clear to me that the boy is not about taking us to the apartment at all. It wasn't like I didn't trust Mark or I was afraid he would do something to me. However, I knew that boy's impulsiveness didn't always end well and I didn't want to take part in another ill-considered idea.

"I know," he said. "Don't talk to me like a moron." I rolled eyes. That was all I could afford. I gave the man a moment to cool down and waited to ask him again if I should know something. We were passing quietly streets full of neon lights and increasingly dying streets. It was getting dark at the early hour now. Nobody felt safe here after dark.

"Can you tell me where we're going, hm?" I tried it milder.

"To the cinema," he sighed heavily, as if it cost a lot to say it out loud.

"What?" I asked with a laugh. It was the most abstract answer he could give me right now. "For what?" I was surprised. "I mean, I know why people go to the cinema, but..."

"On a date," he interrupted me, clearing throat nervously, then looked out the window to the side of the road, as if something worth monitoring was going on there. That brang me up short for a change.

"Why?" I asked a bit stupidly and completely unnecessarily but Minhyung and a date in one sentence, without denying it, was out of my vocabulary of life.

"You heard," he sighed heavily. "It won't go through my throat for the second time."

"Well, you are simply boiling over romanticism then."

"I know," he replied with mock pride, which was supposed to mask the fact that he was simply awkward about it. I started to laugh. In my own way, I thought his behavior was pretty cute.

"One can immediately say that you've never been on a date before," I sighed with affection. I realized that we've been together for quite a long time and if we include sex on the beach as a determinant of our beginning, it was even longer and despite that - we were never on a date. Either there was no time or no desire to do so. I also had to admit that in my humble opinion, the word _date_ didn't fit into the scope of Minhyung's life options, so I didn't require it from him. When he wanted to be charming and caring, he was. Lee showed love in his own incredibly twisted way. I had to accept this and common acts of care or affection put in a folder with incredibly heroic feats of showing interest. That's how it was and I had to live with it. 

"You might be surprised" the boy suddenly frowned, although we both knew that this was the truth. Mark had no idea how does the normal dating of the teen couple or young adults we were now look like.And of course I wasn't making fun of it and didn't hold against him. I was also not shocked. After all, having spent half your teenage life in strange places, it's hard to establish a stable relationship with anyone. His emotional disorder alone made interpersonal relations difficult enough.

"I'm just dying of shock," I replied calmly, shaking head in disbelief. I got a fucking romantic. I smiled to myself, looking out the window at the shimmering inscriptions of 24-hour stores. There was a long silence in the car.

"Fuck you, I meant well," he finally said, clenching hand on the steering wheel. I looked at the boy with a slight confusion. I didn't think he took our exchange seriously.

"Hey, I'm sorry," I said straight away, wanting to ease the situation somehow. Sometimes I forgot how easy it is to irritate Minhyung and that it usually concerns matters that no one else would normally irritate about. I put a gentle hand on his thigh as boy sighed heavily, tapping fingers nervously on the steering wheel. "I didn't mean to silly joking," I promised truthfully because I really didn't want to hurt him. Maybe it would be a bit cool to josh but with Mark it rarely really was possibl.e You had to be able to sense the right moment and I didn't always prove to be a master of such games.

"It's not your fault..." he finally admitted. "I just can't do such things and I wish it would be cool," he shrugged, focusing too much on the road ahead.

"Usually that's why people get together with each other, Hyungie," I explained calmly, really appreciating that he was finally moving forward. Minhyung is very hard to break from the impasse he's falling into. When I notice that he's starting to close up, I have to act as in the case of the elevator closing doors - gracefully slide my foot between two metal blocks before it is too late. "The other person will always know something that the first doesn't."

"I don't like not knowing something," he said, shaking head from side to side. I laughed.

"Believe me, it's visible enough to notice," I replied with amusement. Mark smiled slightly under breath, wincing as if experienced lock-jaw for a few seconds.

"Okay, get off my back," he finally asked and we both started laughing.

The first date is something that is always worth mentioning. For various reasons. With Seth it was incredible romanticism pouring out of every second of this meeting. Everything was planned down to the smallest detail, as if the boy was intricately constructing this plan before we even met.

Meanwhile with Minhyung...

I started laughing, throwing arm over head to cover face. 

I lay in bed and simply died inside with a quiet amusement, embarrassment and tenderness. I was literally dying of everything. Minhyung may have been the undisputed alpha male at work and spreading terror in the basement but when it came to interpersonal relationships, it began to get really fun.

Stairs began to appear actually from the very crossing of the cinema threshold. The boy didn't really know what we could see because he didn't watch movies. Steven just told him that the classic of the dating genre is cinema and that's where we should go. I appreciated the efforts of our friend but once he started playing fairy godmother, he should make thread to the end. Meanwhile, he gave Mark the slogan and Mark of course thought that transporting us to the cinema was the only effort he would have to make. It ended up that I had to not only choose a movie but also buy tickets because for Lee it was probably _Pooh's Heffalump Movie_ for the last time he was watching something on the big screen. I didn't fully understand how someone this age could be so limp in interpersonal relations but on the other hand I had to come to terms with it.

The organizational issue also concerned such details as putting Hyung's arm around mine, lacing our fingers or placing the head on boy's shoulder. We could never have done it on the street, that's why I tried to understand the boy's ineptitude in this respect but the darkness of the cinema hall allowed a lot of things. It would be a sin not to use it. Marco had far better things to do than sending someone behind us to the fucking cinema where he would see shit anyway. As friends from work, we had the right to meet together outside the dark basement. That was my motto for this evening - _let's not go crazy_. We weren't in the center of this mafia world. We were just pawns in the game of higher-ranking people who shit cared about our private lives. 

At least, I hoped so.

The only thing that made Minhyung rise to the challenge was sex in the back seat of the car. In this he was a real champion and even if he couldn't buy a ticket at the cinema, at that moment I was able to forgive him literally everything. Mark always exteriorized mainly through the bed, so also our wonderfully non-romantic evening had to end one way anyway. I didn't complain about that at all. Such sex rewarded a lot and crowned our needs for the evening very well.

Finally, after less than fifteen minutes of lying alone in bed, Minhyung slipped into the room with an indefinable expression. He pressed all clothes to chest and looked around where he could put them. Unfortunately, I didn't have much time to clean up, so for my boyfriend's pedantic world it probably took a lot of effort to deal with it.

"Drop to the ground or put on the desk," I just said, rolling eyes as he winced in response to such a ridiculous offer. "Well, welcome to my world, sweetheart," joked. I already knew that he was regretting offer to spend the night at my house.

"I ran into your mom in the hallway," he sighed heavily, leaving formed in a cube clothes on the cardboard boxes in which I kept the music of various songs. "It got awkward for a moment," he muttered, stepping carefully to the bed, as if was afraid of getting stuck in shit. I couldn't guarantee that it wouldn't happen and I was happy about the precautions he was taking.

"Why awkward?" I was surprised. I knew that my mother didn't like Minhyung at all but I didn't think she would be able to show open dislike to him.

"I'm not sure..." he shrugged, stepping onto the mattress. "Somehow we don't have to worry about anything like that when we're at my place," he said, sliding under the covers. "Your bed is so small," boy murmured with dissatisfaction.

"You complain terribly today," I bit back, turning back on Mark. "Because it's single bed, as if you didn't notice."

"Somehow I didn't remember it to be so small," he complained, hugging me tightly around the waist.

"You were so fucked up that it's a miracle that you remember anything," I said with a sneer, entwining our fingers together. I liked the fact that we slept in such a small bed. At Minhyung's, each always had their own half and it happened that we would sleep more side by side than with each other. Today's variety was incredibly pleasant in my opinion.

"You're an asshole," he suddenly laughed. "You promised you wouldn't jog my memory of that," boy reminded me and I just shrugged, sliding legs subtly between his. I was very cold today.

"I'm wasted," I just said. "Let's go to sleep now," asked, kissing Minhyung's hand gently. Recently, I suffered from the habit of hugging man's hand to chest. Thanks to that, I hoped that he wouldn't run anywhere at night and stay with me.

"Good night," he whispered back, giving me a kiss by gently brushing my neck with lips. I smiled to myself.

"Good night, my hopeless romantic" I laughed softly, to which Mark only snorted in indignation.

"Pathetic" he calmly replied and then we both quickly moved to the land of dreams. 

♥

**[minhyung]**

I knew that my phone had been ringing for a long time. However, I felt so warm and so pleasant that putting out hand from under the covers was the last thing I wanted.

"Take it finally" Hyuck muttered drowsily, not moving even a millimeter from my chest. I sighed heavily, grabbing the phone.

_Steven_.

"What do you want from me in the morning?" I stammered, unable to break free from the calm half-sleep in which I was still stuck.

"It's noon, Mark," he told me in a truly indulgent tone. "I should ask more why you're not here yet," he said, as if I had to suffer terrible remorse for the rest of my life. I glanced at watch and had to agree with friend.

"Damn," I murmured, sitting on the bed. I automatically forced the same on Donhyuck.

"So should I send you invitation or you'd be so kind to appear here finally?," he simply said and hung up.

"Who called?" Hyuck asked, yawning almost immediately.

"Steven" I explained. "It's already noon," I replied, seeing that he was looking for phone. Hyuck's eyes widened.

"Wow... we couldn't sleep that much," he laughed, taking the entire quilt for himself when I got out of bed. The boy's hair stuck literally in all directions but he looked so overwhelmingly cute that I didn't even have a heart to laugh at him at that moment.

"But we did..." I only sighed, putting on clothes from the previous day. The smell of my shirt was not the best.

"At the top of the wardrobe you have clothes just for your size," he said when noticed my disgusted face.

"Thanks" I murmured in aversion. I put on one of the shirts that Lee mentioned, hoping it wasn't one of Seth's. I didn't want to know the answer to this question and ultimately I didn't ask it. Hyuck's ex-boyfriend was definitely a taboo subject in our relationship. "I don't feel like going there..." I finally said, throwing jacket over shoulders.

"I believe you," brunet whispered theatrically to show his compassion. Watching him sit comfortablyonly in pants and T-shirt on the bed made me want to go back there myself.

"Come with me?" I tried uncertainly to tempt him to fill a hole by my side. We've done so many things together at work lately that I couldn't imagine spending the day alone there.

"For what?" he asked, as if not completely understanding his role in my meeting with Steven.

"For company," I explained. Hyuck started laughing.

"You're funny," he said simply. "I don't love you so much to spend a day off at work," brunet said with a smile, wrapping himself tightly around the covers. I sighed heavily, shrugging with a pained expression.

"You're so fucking lazy, I swear...," mumbled, expressing huge dissatisfaction with this statement and then left the boy's room.

♥

**[steven]**

"Don't tell Mark more about dating, please," Hyuck asked when he came to the basement. Boy sighed heavily, sitting at the desk.

"Heeee fucked it up," I guessed without taking my eyes off the monitor. "I would be surprised if it were otherwise," I said after a moment of reflection. It was the most likely of the scenarios when Mark involved himself in something romantic. "Though he was pleased as we talked," I murmured, remembering conversation with friend from yesterday. I looked questioningly at Hyuck.

"Because I did all the work for him and he dragged me and the backseat of the car anyway," explained, smiling as if with compassion for his own submission.

"You should be ashamed to think so much with an ass" I laughed. Sometimes I wondered if they were just having sex or something else in this relationship existed apart from pure lust. We didn't spend time together privately, I couldn't assess if they even had anything to talk about. And if they have, do they do it. Mark isn't a master of conversations, so they may also practice monologue. Donghyuck sometimes liked to talk a lot when he had a good day.

"I can't help it," the boy shrugged, leaning back in his chair. "It's hard to resist this charm," he joked, making embarrassed a smile to appear on my lips. To my eye, the lack of any social skills wasn't very charming. But what excites someone it's not business of other people. It's private matter.

"What do you see in him?" I finally asked, really honestly thinking about it. Mark had nothing to offer. Emotionally, he was absolutely the worst partner with whom anyone would like to plan the future. Hyuck looked at me for a moment, hugging a pile of files.

"I know it's abstract for you, Steven," he finally said, as if reading my mind. "That it doesn't make sense to anyone, but..." he stopped suddenly, sighing heavily. Finally, he shrugged and smiled at me warmly, his eyes gleaming happily. "I love him, what else should I tell you?" he laughed with a hint of awkwardness, as if was uneasy by such a confession anyway. Love was a serious feeling. A feeling that was foreign to these walls. If it existed in us, it should stay behind the walls of this building, high above the earth's surface. Carrying them inside in his heart, Donghyuck did something very forbidden. As far as what he declared was true at all.

"What's to love about him, for example," I began to inquire and Hyuck rolled eyes.

"That he's trying... that he cares..." he began to list slowly, looking at the ceiling. "Hmm... he's with me when I need him..." brunet added after a while, swaying slowly sideways without lifting feet from the ground. "That he changes..." boy smiled to himself while saying these words, as if was very proud that something in his boyfriend was finally moving. I couldn't deny it. Mark was sometimes even quite nice. Less and less often I felt like punching him in the face when he spoke. "It's the most pleasant thing to look at," Hyuck nodded, looking back at me with a smile. "Besides, I've never felt so happy with anyone as I feel by his side," Donghyuck shrugged, pouting lower lip as if was still thinking about something. He looked around the room for lost words and thoughts. "I don't know exactly what he does to make me feel like it but that's what it is," Haechan said, apparently unable to catch the answer _why?_.

"I don't understand you at all," I admitted honestly. Their relationship was so fucked up that I never saw any other one like that in my life. Hyuck began to laugh as he got up from the chair, files still pressed to chest. I glanced surreptitiously at the signs on the folders. Archives. I preferred to control what this boy was looking at. You can never be too careful. I still didn't trust him.

"Tell you a secret?" he asked, standing over me. My heart beat faster. I may have been straight but Donghyuck's charm was probably something that embarrassed people regardless of sexual orientation. I looked at him with raised eyebrows, trying to look natural. A door slammed behind Hyuck. Mark entered the basement. "I don't get it either," he said before looking away from me to glance over shoulder at his boyfriend and I could finally breathe. "What's up, my romantic?" he asked with a wide smile. Mark snorted in disbelief, still smiling maliciously.

"Will you ever stop?" he asked, approaching Hyuck first.

"Someday maybe..." the younger grunted seductively before a sweet kiss closed his mouth. Mark shook head as if tired of this coquetry but he clearly liked it anyway. I wasn't surprised at all. Donghyuck was an eternal seducer. Forever successful in this field. He wrapped everyone around finger until they lost minds and jumped like a puppets in his ghostly theater of lust.

"CCTV from the court parking lot you asked for," Mark said completely without a smile, giving me a flash drive. Donghyuck disappeared at the back of the basement.

"Thanks" I murmured, taking the item from him. I turned to the laptop immediately, plugging the media into the usb port. I clicked quickly on the file that interested me the most. "Romantic?" I asked calmly, returning for a moment to the talk between them. Mark winced.

"To be honest, I fucked up with this date a little," he admitted in shame.

"I liked it, come on," Hyuck cut in, returning from the archive. Mark sighed heavily, looking after boy as he passed him on way to desk. I was hoping that his goo-goo eyes would never lose him at Marco's. Such a change in Mark was really noticeable at first glance. "I'll leave you alone if this nickname is to bother you so badly," Donghyuck whispered as Mark put him on the desk and stood between his legs. I looked away from their reflection on the screen of the other laptop and looked back to the court CCTV recording.

I began to write slowly the vehicle registration plates that was in front of the building from the hour of the trial I was interested in. The case of this young policeman kept Marco awake. And when Perez couldn't sleep through the night, he also took away this privilege from me. I wanted to know who was involved in this, who was investigating, who we had on our side and who we could have after a few broken bones.

"Stop it, sweetie..." Hyuck laughed suddenly a little louder than usual, which immediately caught my attention. I winced. _Sweetie_? To Mark? Absolutely disgusting. After a while, I heard the sound of a wet, strong kiss and a series of pseudo-charming giggles.

I couldn't stand it.

It was beyond my strength.

I turned to set them upright. They stood carefree, leaning on each other foreheads and noses, looking into each other's eyes. I couldn't work in such conditions. Mercy, please.

"Haechan..." I sighed tiredly and seriously. Hyuck looked at me quickly, as if for a moment he had completely forgotten that I was working with him and was also here.

"I'm sorry, really," he said suddenly, pushing Mark away. Boy ran hand through hair, blushing slightly and slipped off the counter he was sitting on.

"Get out," I said simply.

"We won't be this way, I swear," he promised, quickly picking up some loose papers from desk, which certainly didn't need now. I rolled eyes. It was nice to see that even he can be taken aback sometimes.

"I'm serious" I sighed, looking at it with pity. "Come back after you fuck," I said tiredly. "Without him," I added, turning back to laptop.

"I have a name, bro" Mark suddenly decided to remember he has a tongue in mouth and decided unnecessarily to use it. I looked at him with disgust.

"Mark, fuck Haechan and don't come back here again," I said, looking into his eyes washed out of anything - as usual. "You're forbidden to be together in my presence in this room" I decided firmly.

"And what is this papal decree you are now issuing?" Lee asked and I saw that my words were completely wrong with him. I'm sorry. The fact that they rarely had time for themselves outside of work was no longer my business. I also had no time for my family and somehow I had to live with it. Their puppy infatuation only disturbed and irritated me.

"Don't argue with him," Hyuck whispered, slapping Mark lightly on the shoulder. The boy grabbed younger under the elbow, looking slightly disappointed by the fact that he didn't side with him. There was tense eye contact between the boys. I looked curiously at Mark in anticipation of a quarrel after just a few seconds of being honeymooners on the love trip. You can't order Mark around. Everyone knew that. "And that's flat, Hyungie," Hyuck murmured warningly and Mark just sighed heavily and stepped away from brunet with a displeased face.

"I'm going to my place," he said brusquely. Hyuck sighed heavily, looking behind him with an unreadable expression. I think I got them another quarrel.

"Hyungie?" he called uncertainly, when Mark was almost at the door, which he probably intended to bash as usual. He always did this, as something didn't go his way. Brat.

"What?" he turned angrily, looking at us irritably.

"Saranghaeyo," Hyuck said softly in their strange language I didn't know, looking at him with a charming smile. Mark, after a moment of struggle with his internal bastard, softened completely and shook head in disbelief. Whatever he heard, really worked.

"Devil" he briefly commented on Hyuck's words and left. His boyfriend smiled cutely in turn, combing hair. I looked at him with disgust.

"What?" he was surprised when our eyes met.

"You made a pussy whip out of him," I said in horror. "He's useless now," I joked. Haechan, however, became serious when he heard that.

"I've worked hard for it," he said reproachfully, waving hand at the door.

I had to agree with him in this regard. He really sacrificed a lot so that it would work out between them. We never talked openly about what their memorable October quarrel looked like but the wounded face and hematomas on the forearms spoke for themselves. Actually enough for me was the fact that Hyuck didn't come to work when he appeared in it with even a fever barely allowing him to stay upright.

In a way, I was also wondering why Donghyuck permitted Mark to hurt him. The boy I remembered from the time of the woods was recovering from much more serious clashes, with far more people, far more dangerous than Mark. 

So why there was such a submission to Lee in him? It was the biggest mystery to me in all this.

Why of all the men whose eyes and touch he disgusted so much, did Mark become the one who was allowed to cross his closely guarded and protected borders?

Why, of all people who weren't worth to even bother, was Donghyuck the one who turned out to be the definition of air necessary for life and a point of reference for Mark in making all life decisions?

"I don't recognize him," I honestly admitted on the wave of all these thoughts.

"Don't worry," he sighed heavily as sat on the chair. "I worked on him only for myself," explained briefly. "For others, he's still the same asshole he was," Hyuck assured seriously and I didn't comment. Each of us returned to work as it should be from the beginning. Still, I couldn't help the gentle smile that crept on my lips.

_Miracles really do happen..._


	47. A hatred for precipitation

**[november 2020]**

**[donghyuck]**

"The prosecution commissioned an investigation to be a secret proceedings," Marco announced in a grave tone, turning a glass of whiskey in hand. The atmosphere was very tense and it all just looked bad. Minhyung sat with head down, as if it was all his fault. I regretted that at this moment I couldn't support him or explain that it is completely different.

"Too bad" Steven summed up in a unaffected voice. We all knew that he had this matter deeply in the ass. Maybe if Interpol got interested in us, it would eventually twitch his face muscle.

"Definitely" Perez sighed heavily. He sat down at the desk as if thinking about an action plan.

"What will we do about it?" Mark asked, probably deluding himself that the boss had found some wonderful antidote to the unfortunate accident that had recently taken place. In Lee's head - only through his fault.

"You two? Nothing," Marco sighed heavily as opened the laptop. It meant that our meeting here was coming to an end. "Literally," he added after a moment. "I don't want to see you here until the case is over," he said firmly. I exchanged quick looks with Minhyung. Strangely, we talked about this possibility just yesterday. However, in a slightly different context. "Can you handle it yourself?" Perez asked a question that turned out to be a question to me. I've always been in this triad just an impersonal shadow, always in tow. Well, he couldn't get rid of everyone downsairs - someone had to supervise documents and computers. Except that I secretly whore around with Mark, nothing connected me with this whole clusterfuck.

"I don't have much choice," I replied a little questioningly, smiling slightly. In my heart I was a bit happy. I felt almost like a teenager whose parents leave a free house for the weekend. However, I had to start thinking that it wouldn't be just a weekend. The long-term perspective of managing the entire data system alone was no longer so appealing. A lot of responsibility and potential pitfalls that I could fall into if Marco tried hard. On the one hand, I got the opportunity to prove to Perez that in such cases he needs me and I could build a position on it. On the other hand, it was also a great opportunity to make my life more difficult and have an excuse to get rid of me quietly.

"I can give you someone, I have a young boy here right now..." he began to seem completely neutral and I barely stopped myself from laughing in his face.

"Hunter?" I asked calmly, as if talking about the possibility of expanding the team with someone we know very well and not a completely stranger. Anyway, I was right. Marco was just waiting for the right moment, for the situation when he would be able to release rat, that will check if the three of us are working as we should. It meant that I threatened him more than I thought before. Apparently, I didn't appreciate enough how deep I dug into the underground. This was noteworthy information.

"You never stop surprising me." Perez smiled to himself but I knew it was a smile of disbelief that I figured it out before he announced plan to the world. The truth was I just made a guess. I was perfectly aware that the day when he would give us a spy into the basement will finally come. Hunter had been here for a long time and recently became Marco's bodyguard. He was my strongest guess. If someone becomes Perez's bodyguard, he is so brainwashed that until he finds another master, he's the most faithful of all dogs. "Yes, he shapes up well," man admitted cautiously, as if my insight had intimidated him and ordered caution in choosing words. Marco obviously thought about it for a long time and found this plan perfect, spotless. It made me laugh because before he could introduce it to me, I managed to check Hunter from every possible angle. In the outside work, he was still as hopeless as I remembered from training in the lower basement. The last generation of elimination in the forest. The weakest of the existing pack of dogs, which wasn't even brought by Steven to a close.

"No, I'll manage," assured quite honestly. Nothing was happening now. Most cases were closed and plans for new operations were still in incubators with development because they are meant to start after the new year.

"I don't want anyone in my place," Steven was suddenly indignant to the point where he got up from the couch we were both sitting on.

"That would be a temporary substitute." Perez snapped fingers, showing man the couch. Steve sat down. Even someone with such reputation and persistence had something of a trained devotion. We were all partly programmed that way. We shared only a percentage in terms of how it overwhelmed our bodies and the brain.

"No difference," he shrugged. "I don't want anyone there."

"You said the same thing about Haechan," he pointed out. Indeed, I wasn't a welcomed addition to the underground at the very beginning but somehow we managed to get along.

"But I chose Hyuck myself," Steven pointed out to the boss a subtle difference between his readiness to receive someone and pressing a kid who perhaps no one else even knew but me.

"It's hard to please you," Perez pissed off, sighing deeply. It always ended like that when something wasn't going his way. "Fuck up something first and then there's nobody to clean it up," he raised voice, tapping nervously with fingers at the table top. "So you can handle it?" he asked emphatically, as if to tell me that for my own good I should deny and this is my last chance.

"Yes," I resisted Perez's inept persuasion. He should have guessed a long time ago that pathetic tricks were far from impressing me. I could only wait for him to come up with a way to get revenge for that.

"Mark, wouldn't you like to go back to your mother for a while?" he asked suddenly. _Oh, that way_. Someone had to take a beating.

"What? Why?" Lee was terribly surprised. Probably none of the three of us expected such a thing.

"I don't know, I thought up that way," Marco shrugged.

"No, I wouldn't," Minhyung shook head with a grimace on face that said he couldn't process fully that ridiculous order.

"That's great, I'm giving you time until next week."

"But what is the purpose?" Mark still didn't understand. But the answer was at hand. Perez must have made someone angry. Neither me nor Steven qualified to make our life sad because we didn't have it anyway. Minhyung was currently the easiest target for such childish play.

"Precautions, you'll fix your relationship," he said with a smile. Marco clearly needed somebody else's anger and panic. He needed the conviction that he was still a decision-maker in matters of our lives, to drown out a quiet whisper, the content of which said that Perez was losing ground. "Isabelle said you weren't getting along right recently."

"We're doing just great," Minhyung almost spat out the words, as if it were burning his throat but was still a necessary lie to avoid contact with mother. "We don't have to fix anything."

"Don't argue," Perez said as gently as if were talking to a small child. I laughed softly while watching this scene but I got such a cold look from Mark that I immediately became serious.

"And you should dress normally for work instead of grinning stupidly" suddenly attacked me for lack of another target. This was the transmission of aggression. The boss yells at husband, husband at wife, wife at children, children at dog and dog at frog.

"I came here right after school. Should I apologize for that? " I rolled eyes, crossing arms over chest.

"What school?" he pretended to be surprised, playing in front of Marco more ignorant than he really was. Somehow we had to defend ourselves. Too much intimacy didn't look good and the risk of our relationship being discovered increased with each passing week. It's just hard to keep concealing something as obvious as feelings for each other all the time.

"Are you interested in anything but yourself?" for a change, Steven supported our theatrical dispute. Although I felt it was just the perfect opportunity for him to say what he really thought. He could always say after that he was joking to make it look better.

"Not really to be honest," Lee said straight from the shoulder.

"It's great that you're proud of it," our friend genuinely broke down on Mark's attitude, which brought the expected results. Marco laughed. Apparently, nothing pleased him more than the fact that we also argue sometimes

"Okay, get the fuck out, I'm sick of you for the whole month," he finally said, showing us the door with hand.

♥

**[minhyung]**

"Hyungie..." Donghyuck groaned indiscreetly. However, today we decided not to worry about any neighbors. We didn't know when we will be able to spend the next time on such carefree romping. "Ah!" he almost meowed, fingers tightening on my hair painfully.

"I love when you say my name like that," I laughed, kissing his jaw hard.

"Like what?" he was surprised, after a while shouting loudly when I entered him hard.

"Like that" I managed to gasp before Hyuck's mouth eagerly embraced mine.

And so it was between us.

Even if we wanted to build this relationship on a basis other than sex, it didn't make sense to pretend that it's something that we didn't want in this relationship or that should be limited. I also slowly found that Donghyuck was after all those additions - romantic or less (in my case definitely less). In a nutshell, all mattered here was me having a try. Although I did it quite clumsily, I still put a lot of effort into it. Hyuck was pleased.

And when he smiled, I was happy too.

At least internally.

When we sat on the bedclothes, I grabbed the boy tightly by the hips to pull him closer. I kissed him passionately, as if tomorrow wasn't to come. I knew that Marco's ideas would definitely limit our access to each other. Following us will be much easier since our family homes are next to each other. He no longer had to double strength and divide them into two different places.

Donghyuck laughed softly, running away from my abusive lips. I grabbed him hard by the neck and pulled back to me. Maybe a moment of breath wouldn't hurt us but the awareness of the suitcase lying on the ground, which I should fill with my belongings by evening, didn't allow me to include a break. The very vision of this temporary relocation moved my nerves to such an extent that escaping into brunet's body was the only way for me to maintain mental health. The boy grunted softly when I grabbed his buttocks. Hyuck leaned forward hard, pushing me back.

"What now, Mr. Lee?" he whispered delightfully, sliding nose gently along the line of my jaw. "Celibacy from tomorrow?" laughed teasingly to bite lightly my neck after.

"Ouch, you fucking devil," I murmured, throwing him under me quickly. We exchanged amused glances for a moment. It was an amazing feeling but I really didn't think anyone would be able to make me happy like this lousy bastard now. "Why celibacy?" I finally asked when Hyuck began to gently wander hands over my body.

"Oh what, are you planning to invite boys under the quilt to your mommy?" he asked, licking lower lip lustfully. I smiled to myself.

"Boys? No... But that one specific cutie next door maybe so," I said quite honestly. My mother had been mistaken long enough that Isabelle was the chosen one of my life, although no one had ever given her the basis for similar thinking. Meanwhile, Donghyuck has already lurked in my heart and I think some names should be called at least in front of my family.

"I hold your word," he said calmly, giving me one last kiss. When boy slipped out from under my body, he almost immediately bent down to pick up a t-shirt lying on floor.

"Why do you always wear it?" I asked. Donghyuck shrugged.

"There is nothing to expose," he said grimly.

"I also have nothing to expose and I sit without a gram of clothing," I tried one last time to get a bit of enthusiasm on this topic. He was beautiful as he was and although exactly such words couldn't leave my throat, I was hoping that was clearly letting him know that the harm his father had done to him didn't transfer to what kind of person he was now.

"Minhyung, you know it's completely different," Hyuck sighed heavily, checking the time on the phone quickly. I really knew it. Because it was different and I couldn't understand it, because except for one scar from a gunshot wound, nothing of this kind disfigured my body. I moved closer to the boy, sitting behind and gently hugged to me, resting chin on his shoulder.

"And who is Hunter?" I asked out of curiosity, returning to yesterday's conversation at the top.

"Marco's bodyguard, baby," Hyuck said, as if surprised, that I was asking for such an obvious thing at all. "Why do you ask?"

"I wonder why he wants to push him down at all costs," I murmured thoughtfully, trying however to decipher the last maneuvers of our wonderful boss.

"I was wondering that too because this is not the first attempt," he whispered, stroking with thumb my hands clasped on his stomach.

"No?" I was surprised. It turned out that I knew much less than I should have. We didn't talk with Hyuck much about work. We agreed that all this should be left behind, otherwise we would go crazy. Leave everything except caution.

"Earlier he asked if we didn't have too much work; if someone wouldn't be useful to us; why should we deal with archives, since he can give us an additional person... this kind of things."

"Doesn't trust us?" I thought about it. If this was to be expected, then a very bumpy road could begin to unfold before us.

"Possible..." he sighed heavily. "Hunter is here almost as long as I am. But he was a flesh and blood dog, so they left him down and Steven took me up," he explained briefly, though I still didn't understand anything about their _dog talk_. "He's been a security guard for only a few months, so the question remains where he was all this time and whether he was doing something we don't know about."

"How do you know all this?" I was surprised. Donghyuck was great in the secret intelligence. Everything in his mind was very quickly connected, facts associated with each other, two added to two at a rapid pace. However, it still amazed me.

"I checked the first time I noticed him," he explained cautiously, watching me closely. The look lasted literally a few seconds but it made me realize that Donghyuck was probably shocked, that I didn't know the basic things he thought I should probably know. He frowned, looking down. 

_Maybe I shouldn't?_

"How could he stay unnoticed to me all this time?" I murmured with dissatisfaction, wanting to change the subject slightly. In the previous one I felt awkward. That they were trained for shadows - this is one thing. But it shouldn't be that this shadow escapes me. I have probably started to rely too much on Donghyuck's perceptiveness. Although the boy had a different explanation.

"Because you're ignorant," he stated the obvious and it floored me.

"Excuse me?" I frowned and Hyuck started laughing. He tilted head back, resting it on my shoulder and looked at me closely.

"You know it's true," he whispered, kissing my jaw gently.

"I know," I sighed heavily, although if another person were tempted to throw such barbs at me, I wouldn't give up so easily. "What shall we do with him?" I asked after a moment of silence as we looked at each other.

"Nothing" Donghyuck replied quietly. "Sooner or later he'll push him down. It's hard to assess when it will happen but it definitely will," he said with resignation and it would be hard for me to disagree. "I have an eye on him for now," he assured me and I raised eyebrows high.

"Ah yes?" I asked in amazement. Hyuck started laughing.

"Come on," he tapped me with the back of hand on chest. I wasn't really jealous, though. A person from basement has never been a threat in my head. I was afraid of those outside.

"I don't know... if I'm in celibate now, you'll be going permanently unsatisfied," I expressed my mocking fear. "This creates some risk."

"No doubt about it," Hyuck laughed, breaking free from my embrace. When he disappeared in the kitchen, I fell heavily on my mattress.

Outside the window, it was begging for the first, shy snow to appear, which heralded this year's winter. The white snowflakes swirled gently in the air, soaring slowly toward the ground with swaying movements. I was ashamed of doing this but at such times I was thinking about Luke. His love of the snow was one of the vivid memories of him that I carried within me. And I didn't want to have too many.

Not now.

The memory of the hospital and the boy blocked me in many different ways and prevented from moving forward. The past must have remained in the past, if I was to deal with Donghyuck now. Since I started working on this problem in therapy, I've been less and less tortured by nightmares, less and less often I saw the boy's dead body hanging from the window grill and in general - I thought less and less about it.

"It started snowing so much..." brunet sighed heavily, getting slowly onto the bed, then sat down astride me cautiously.

"Do you like snow, Hyuckie?" I asked thoughtfully, grabbing the boy by the thighs. Comparing them has never been a good solution. Somehow, however, I couldn't free myself from this trap.

"No," he answered without hesitating. I looked at him in amazement. I didn't expect such unequivocally negative feelings on his part.

"Why?" I was surprised. Hyuck shrugged, also looking out the window with an unreadable expression.

"Just so" he murmured dispassionately and I raised eyebrows. "I don't like anything falling from the sky," he whispered, closely following the path of the snow flakes. "Regardless of the consistency of this shit," he added quietly, staring blankly into the space ahead. "It always means trouble," boy sighed heavily, glancing down at me with an indefinable expression on face.

"There must be a reason for this," I noticed because Hyuck intrigued me with this point of view.

"Not at all," he denied at once, sliding off me on the sheets. "Let's start packing you, time is shrinking," he said calmly but somehow I found it very rough - very unlike Hyuck.

"Dong..." I started uncertainly, grabbing his wrist.

"You don't answer my questions, so I don't have that obligation either, Mark," he said - this time unquestionably hard and not too warm. I frowned in amazement. I've definitely got used to another side of Donghyuck. He was rarely upset and it was very difficult to upset him at all. "Sorry, I flipped," he said shortly with a straight face and shifted uneasily, as if was about to run away from me again. I decided to react quickly. I pulled boy tighter by the hand I held in my grip.

"Stop it, wait," I asked as I sat on the bed. "I'm sorry, okay?" I murmured, not quite aware of what I'm sorry for but once I heard from my mother that with woman would be better to apologize, even if nothing bad was done. It was still at the time when she thought I was with Izzy, who was literally offended about everything. I was hoping that this cheap trick would work for Donghyuck. After looking into his eyes for a moment, I knew that he couldn't be fooled by these empty words so quickly. He knew me too well. "I didn't want to," I whispered truthfully, touching brunet's cheek gently with thumb. I really didn't mean to offend him. Maybe I was stupid, I couldn't understand emotions, I didn't see my guilt but hurting Donghyuck was the last thing I wanted at the moment. "Stay," I asked, resting forehead on his shoulder. The boy sighed heavily, embracing my head with hands. He stroked my neck gently as I slipped hands under boy's shirt and began subtly running fingers over the scratches on his back.

"If you even know what you did wrong," Donghyuck shook head in resignation.

"I suck," admitted, giving rise to a long silence. "Why don't you deny it?" I finally asked when Hyuck didn't say a word.

"Because you suck," he said straight from the shoulder and I couldn't react otherwise than to laugh.

"I am," whispered after a moment with amusement, for the first time in a long time feeling that admitting one's faults doesn't have to automatically connect with a blot on escutcheon and is something completely acceptable.

♥

**[hunter]**

When Mr. Perez told me that he had a task for me for some time other than serving to protect him, I had no idea what he might mean. The boss himself wasn't very effusive in this matter. After all, when I followed him in the direction in which there could be a room called by everyone the _main basement_ , my heart beat a little faster. I've never even dreamed of finding out what the middle of this cavern looks like. It was there that Steven was sitting, who was the person with all the secret information. This is where computers with all the most important data from the entire company were located. There was no more guarded place in our entire underground.

Mr. Perez put hand over the place where he entered some terrifyingly long code and then I heard the soft buzzing first and when the door opened, the loud music boomed that I had to twist. The boss wasn't surprised at all. I realized that if there was a slaughter of innocents begging for freedom and pity, no one would hear that moan of despair. There was only one person in the room who was too short for Steven. Due to the fact that the man had back to us, I wasn't able to assess whether I had ever met him. However, I assumed not. We walked slowly the darker and more empty part of the basement towards the more electronic, bright and cluttered. The guy to whom the boss brought me, shook ass to the rhythm of a very danceable melody, standing with some files in hand and writing the data straight to the computer. When he turned very tango-style, came face to face with boss, who took pencil violently out of his mouth and pressed a key that muted the music completely. My ears rang with this sudden silence.

"What do you have with this passion for banging smashing tympanum?" Mr. Perez asked, throwing a pencil at the counter in disgust. The boy laughed embarrassed and began to massage neck. He was a stranger to me but one thing I had to admit - he was damn handsome. If my fascination didn't find its object, he could even soften my legs now.

"Something happens?" he asked calmly, as if the great Marco Perez didn't stand before him. It impressed and at the same time prompted me to reflect on where the boundaries in this world lie, how fluid they are and how much people here differ in how they are treated and how much they can afford.

"I got you Hunter," he said, waving hand carelessly toward me. I bowed slightly, thus expressing my respect for this man. Since he worked in such a place, he was much higher than many people here. "I thought that in any case during Steven's absence you would need help at the moment."

"Of course," the boy said much less cheerfully, looking at me with obvious dislike. So I wasn't a desirable element here. It was a remark worth noting.

"It's always some support, Haechan," Mr. Perez said, explaining to me a lot at this point. It was Haechan? The same silent, unknown, analytical Haechan? I was a bit shocked but I expected him in a place like this and I really should suspect that it would be brunet with amber eyes, since Steven temporarily disappeared for reasons unknown to me.

"Sure," the boy sighed heavily. He grimaced in disgust as the boss patted him on the shoulder. He couldn't object. Mr. Perez didn't accept the objection even from Mark Lee. "Do what he tells you," he said coldly, passing me on way out. I nodded obediently and after the boss left, I looked at Haechan questioningly.

"What should I do?" I asked uncertainly, wanting to feel the ground. I didn't know if it was dangerous, what to do and what avoid. I needed time.

"You'd better tell me," he replied, eyeing me closely. This time, certainly not penetratingly, so he knew everything he could about me. There were no special secrets in me for him but why they sent me here. However, I also didn't know the answer to this question.

"I have no idea," I whispered. "Nobody explained anything to me." Haechan looked at me for a moment more carefully and thoughtfully, knocking rhythmically with index finger on thigh.

"Mhm" finally murmured, turning back on me. "Can I turn the music back on?" he asked calmly. "Much quieter, of course."

"Of course," I assured. This wasn't my territory. I had no right to decide on this. I was shocked, however, that he still asked me for opinion.

"Sit where you want," he said, noting that I was still standing a safe distance away from everything. "I don't have my favorite place for now," he assured, without fail guessing what was all my concern. It scared me a bit. "There really is nothing to do here now," he added after a moment's reflection on what he was doing before we interrupted him. Finally he nodded, turned on the music and started rummaging on the computer.

I glanced at Haechan's phone, which suddenly lit up and began to hum. A picture of a person sitting in a hooded sweatshirt on the ocean's edge with his back to the lens appeared on the screen. The _Fucking Dickhead_ inscription with baby emoji and bottle with teat didn't tell me much about the caller's identity. Finally the screen went blank.

I started looking around the room in which I had to sit. Stacks of boxes stood against the walls, reaching up to the ceiling in certain places. Folders, rolls of rolled up paper and tubes with some designs were stuffed on the wardrobes. The 'island' we were on was made up of four tables connected in a semi-circle, on which stood a total of five computers and two laptops. The workplace of Haechan and Steven was cluttered as much as everything else. Only this place from the dark zone was separated by a large, empty space, and three or four rows of armoured cabinets were located by the door wall - each open with almost spilling files. Near them lay empty cartons, as if waiting for packing and taking out. I just don't know where. There certainly wasn't room for it.

The phone started buzzing again and _Fucking Dickhead_ tried again to reach Haechan. I looked uncertainly at the back of the boy who finally put a chair to desk and hummed a song under breath. I didn't know if I should pay attention to him but since that person had called several times, he obviously had something important to say. I took the boy's phone carefully and approached uncertainly.

"Someone is calling... few times in a row now," I explained, handing him the phone.

"Thanks," he murmured, pulled completely out of thoughts. On the screen of his laptop I saw a million numbers and letters arranged in strange combinations. It looked like a court reference number but I wasn't one hudred percent sure. It would mean that Mr. Perez's strength goes far beyond what I had imagined. A completely different question was why Haechan had access to them and how he got access. "What's going on this time?" he asked reluctantly by clicking on an item and then removed it from the list of cases.

"I'm only here for two fucking days and I want to kill her already," I heard a nervous voice. "And you know, it's not about..."

"Mark..." Haechan whispered a name that made my heart beat a million times faster.

"...just for the fact that she should be happy at all, that I spend time with her. Meanwhile..."

"Mark..."

"So I explained to her politely that..."

"Minhyung" the boy finally grunted firmly.

"What?!" he yelled with rage so loudly that the brunet had to move the phone away from ear for a moment and his mouth was grimaced, which accompanied the hearing paralysis with too loud decibels. A shiver of terror passed through me. I remembered how impressed I was by the man's words in a calm voice. I thought for Haechan this scream would get even worse than that drunk Mark on me. However, boy acted like I never imagined that someone could turn to a friend of Mr. Perez.

"Try to yell at me like that again and we'll talk differently," he said very calmly but it had a strange bluntness. I suspected that this could be his hidden advantage. "I told you something about it," reminded Mark of something I had no idea about but for Mark it obviously worked like a bucket of cold water.

"I'm sorry," he said with real repentance and I felt uncomfortable about standing over Haechan and eavesdropping on private conversation. However, if something was about Lee, I couldn't control my curiosity.

"I can't talk right now," he said evasively. "I'm busy with things... downstairs," he said, after a moment's hesitation and some incomprehensible murmur on the other side. I knew it was because of me. "A lot of work," he lied, removing more files from the system.

"Well, you must be kidding me," Mark began to raise his voice again and Haechan just sighed heavily and got up from chair, heading for a completely different door than the entrance.

"Don't worry, please," he said gently, entering another strange and long code quickly. "We'll just talk about when we'll see each other," he promised, disappearing behind the door. 

I was left completely alone. I stood in the middle like a moron and didn't know what to do with myself. I didn't want to touch anything because I didn't know if there was any hidden camera here. I also knew that Haechan would notice as if any document had been shifted even by a millimeter, so I preferred not to risk it. I was interested in a completely different thing. Papers on the desk and strange databases were of secondary importance to me.

Namely...

How close was Mark Lee to Haechan and how thanks to staying here I can get closer to him...


	48. Baby

**[december 2020]**

**[donghyuck]**

I sat on the kitchen counter and stared straight ahead. I was swinging feet slowly in the air, trying to somehow define the silence that appeared between us.

A clock ticked in the background.

I leaned head against the side of the fridge, playing with the sleeves of Mark's sweatshirt, which was one size larger than we both wear. At least I was able to hide all my hands in it to protect myself from the strange chill that was starting to climb up my bare legs to upper body.

Mark fell into a dark mood.

Again.

He looked out of the kitchen window thoughtfully, though it was a side view of his own lawn and the entrance to the house. Boy was holding a steaming mug of coffee in hands, which he probably didn't even drink. The light falling into the room was reflecting ominously off the Mark's glasses, as it happens to villains in anime productions.

_What was he thinking about?_

"Something happened?" I asked finally, unable to find myself at all in the silence that had crept into Minhyung's heart while taking a shower.

"No, why?" asked in genuine surprise, turning to face me. I stared at his confused expression for a moment, then shrugged. Maybe I was making up unnecessary things again.

"You were different today," finally confessed in a whisper, though I was hesitant to do so. I pulled legs up to chest, stretching wide sweatshirt over them. Saying those words made me want to hide inside it and never leave again.

"In bed?" Mark was shocked. His eyebrow raised high gave me a signal that he didn't understand at all how it could have happened.

"Mhm," I admitted hesitantly, biting lower lip. I didn't dare to meet his eyes now. I didn't want him to feel bad at my remark that something about sex today just didn't suit me. I couldn't even tell exactly what it was, so the embarrassment was all the greater. Minhyung set his coffee on the table and approached me carefully, gently cupping my face in hands.

"Was it unpleasant?" he asked anxiously, running thumbs frantically across my cheeks. I shook head but before I could explain anything, a series of worried questions flew from Mark's lips. "Did something hurt you? I hurt you? Did I touch you badly again? Touched you in a wrong way, Hyuckie? Tell me," he asked, clearly moving doubts towards a situation that happened around two weeks ago, when he wanted to take me in a position that was unacceptable to me for many reasons. I didn't want to make an unnecessary scene back then but the mere vision of whoever entering me from behind when I couldn't see them terrified me horribly. I smiled hesitantly, shaking head from side to side. I didn't want to go back to it now.

So I denied.

I kissed Minhyung for reassurance and wrapped legs around his waist to keep boy as close as possible. I snuggled carefully into Mark's chest. "It was fine," assured him calmly. "But somehow different," muttered, shrugging slightly. "I can't say what exactly."

"I think too much because of this sitting at home," he sighed heavily in response but relieved at the same time. He wrapped arms around me carefully, as if the specter of bad touch was looming over our heads again. "Sorry," he whispered, kissing the top of my head. The way he said it made it impossible to deduce exactly what Hyung was sorry for.

Sounded like he was apologizing for everything.

As if he was apologizing for himself.

"What are you thinking about?" I asked calmly, though my curiosity burned. I was afraid I had said a few words too much the day Mark was packing up to move to his mom. I was aware that Marco wasn't telling him many things, as if keeping him under such a shade had protective properties. After all, I didn't realize that Minhyung's ignorance extends on such a scale.

That he doesn't know what our training in the basement looked like.

He doesn't know what or where the woods is.

He doesn't know who the dogs are. He doesn't know that I used to be such a dog myself.

He has no idea about brainwashing.

He knows absolutely nothing about what everyone close to Marco has had to go through.

Consequently, he doesn't know who Steven really is.

Who Hunter is.

Who I am.

More and more, I found myself thinking that to Marco Hyung was nothing more than an interesting specimen, toy and company mascot. I couldn't explain his ignorance otherwise. Minhyung was simply presentable. Many people knew him and due to the fact that he suffered from alexithymia, he could be a show dog, an example of heartlessness.

I was getting scared.

I was more and more afraid of the changes that were taking place in Minhyung. Therapy, medicine, our conversations and working on emotions. It all stripped him of the strengths he had in Marco's eyes. Changing Minhyung served no one but me. Wasn't risking Mark in this way the top of selfishness on my part?

I loved him more than my life.

But where could this love lead us?

"It's embarrassing," Mark groaned in discomfort, as if he was ashamed of what was going on in his head. I started laughing. At least I knew it was nothing work related. I was relieved.

"Tell me..." I muttered childishly to tease him a bit. Minhyung sighed helplessly as my lips touched his chin gently.

"Mainly about you," he admitted with a visible difficulty. It surprised me.

"What about me?" I asked, suddenly serious. It baffled me with the serious, mysterious tone he used to say that.

"Nothing like that," Mark laughed at my confused expression. "Just about you. About feelings," explained, eyes wandering over my face. He was successfully avoiding eye contact. "There are many of them. I have to name them and sort them..." Minhyung sighed heavily, shrugging. "It's time consuming and mentally tiring."

"Want me to help you?" I offered, grabbing his wrists.

"I want to try it myself first," he replied softly, looking into my eyes. I saw real determination in them and I couldn't help but smile softly. I nodded slightly, giving boy tacit support for what he was doing. "So what was wrong?" asked after a moment, frowning theatrically in deep thought. "Let's see..." muttered, putting hands under my sweatshirt. I burst out laughing. _Okay, got it. End of topic about emotions, sure._ "Here?" whispered, kissing my neck as he slid hands under my buttocks.

"No," I chuckled when Minhyung put our foreheads against each otner. I threw arms around boy's neck, trying to somehow respond with grace to that intense gaze.

"Here?" he purred sensually, pressing our lips together as his thumbs disappeared into my groins. A long sigh left my mouth.

"M-m" I replied groaning, kissing the boy back. We smiled innocently at each other between short pecks. I loved that cute, embarrassed Minhyung at times. Then I was able to forget about the whole world around us and for a moment indulge in the thought that we live completely ordinary lives.

"It can't be helped," he said suddenly, grabbing my hips hard, then pulled me off the kitchen counter. "We have to go back to your room to investigate,"Mark announced in a matter-of-fact tone of the general giving orders at the training ground.

"Dr. Lee, please..." I whimpered tearfully in Korean. My mom and I recently started watching some low-budget medical drama and we had a lot of laughs. It was already a bit old and the dialogues were exaggerated and terribly dramatic. In a strange way, however, we couldn't break ourselves of it every time we all sat in the living room for a drama session. Living a house in a house sometimes makes things easier.

"I'm sorry, patient. We will do it invasively. The matter is too serious," Mark replied, overplaying the senior head of the ward's dramatic voice. But we didn't last long in the roles and both burst out laughing as we returned to our mouths. It was always the best solution.

When we were about halfway up the stairs to the top, sweet lovemaking was interrupted by the doorbell. I sighed irritably, sliding off Mark's hips, who decided to belay me by keeping hands clasped around my ass. But no bell could stop his thirsty lips from doing what they liked best. I smiled as we kissed, dragging one of Minhyung's hands away from buttock.

"Must be Steven," I sighed softly as he clasped our fingers together instead of letting go.

"I suppose so..." he admitted without much interest to the guest whom was planting roots on the porch. "Maybe we won't let him in?" he asked as another bell broke the silence in the house.

"We invited him in," I started laughing, taking back Minhyung's warm lips. "Steven is going to kill us," I gasped with the last of my saved breath.

"We're not available," Mark denied, slipping hand through my panties.

"I'm sorry doctor..." I muttered seductively, grabbing his wrist. "We have to postpone the surgery."

"It's your responsibility, Mr. Lee," he sighed heavily but clearly accepting the decision. We didn't have much choice anyway. "But be warned it could be more painful," he joked, slapping me.

"I can take it," I laughed as combed the boy's hair. "Without anesthesia," I added in a provocative whisper, biting myself on Minhyung's lower lip. Annoyed, Steven began to ring the bell a million times in a row. I sighed heavily, rolling eyes. I freed myself from Mark's arms, quickly running down the few steps we managed to climb.

"You were doing something immoral that it took you so long?" Steven asked immediately instead of greeting, knowing the answer to this question perfectly well. I was wearing only Mark's top and panties and my lips were probably flushed. Sherlock wouldn't have much to do with fact-finding the case. I let the man in, resolving not to comment on this remark.

"Foreplay to round two, don't worry, no big deal," Mark retorted anyway, sitting on the couch in the living room. I started blushing for a change.

"He clearly wants to control us," Steven finally said after a long pause as he and Mark had fully digested the handful of information I had given them.

"Because of this last incident?" Minhyung asked and I felt the muscles in his chest tighten against my back. I grabbed boy's hand gently for encouragement.

"I don't think so," I said honestly. "It has to be more than that, you know?" muttered, looking at him over shoulder.

"Don't cheer me up," he whispered in warning, kissing slowly my forehead. Mark wrapped arms around me tightly. He was still getting up at night because of this unfortunate shot. He clearly couldn't accept it, although it had been some time since the incident.

"But Hyuck is right," Steven announced. "He seems to not like something about us."

"Just what?" Mark sighed heavily, crossing hands over my stomach. I covered them with mine and began to gently make circles on the boy's skin. Steven shrugged. And then we were silent for a long time.

It's been over a week today since Hunter showed up in our basement. The boy himself claimed he didn't know why was here. All he knows is to do what I tell him to do. Unfortunately, after observing his behavior in the basement, I had to believe it. We couldn't discuss this in the meeting right away, so we agreed that this week would be appropriate. It won't raise any suspicions, as suddenly we will all meet at my place. 

This week was also a time when I didn't see Minhyung. We had to let go of our contacts for a while. We lived next to each other. It was impossible not to notice the passage between the houses placed next door. So now Steven just had to endure the fact that we were sitting in an embrace on my couch. He hated watching the affectionate Mark, though if hugging someone was the peak of romance and closeness for Steven, him and Lee were worth each other. I sincerely felt sorry for his partner, since he had the same attitude towards her.

"Did you not consider that he is jealous?" I wondered, sniffing. I was getting sick again. I didn't understand why I'd been catching germs and colds so easily lately but it literally became my curse. Mark squeezed my shoulders tighter as I began to cough hard.

"Jealous?" Steven seriously thought about it.

"Basically..." Minhyung muttered under breath, resting chin on the top of my head. "I noticed that too," he admitted. "The three of us were with him recently, he had a very weird face when we started joking," recalled and I nodded slowly with every word he said. It made sense. "Besides, Isabelle moved away from me, so there's no one outside... neither of us will report the other and he knows it."

"Kind of right..." Steven sighed heavily. He wanted it or not - we became a coalition. The part of his heart loyal to Marco must have suffered a lot but he had no choice. Too many secrets had come out among us lately and Marco couldn't have known about it. We were doomed to be loyal to each other.

"So what, do we have to argue to make him happy?" I asked in a hoarse voice, coughing right away. Minhyung began to slowly rub hand over my back.

"Looks like it," Steven winced as he listened to my gobbing. There was silence between us for a moment. It was hard to add more on that. We had to be careful and that's it. Sooner or later it turns out what Marco wanted. Maybe he really just wanted to make our lives easier. Or maybe he just wanted to do it out of spite, he didn't need two bodyguards all the time and decided to get rid of the unnecessary element for a while, until he would be needed again. There were, in fact, many possibilities.

"What happened to your hand?" Mark asked suddenly, feeling a bump under thumb. I looked at my hand.

"I got burned..." muttered thoughtfully, remembering that the pot lid had fallen on my skin two days ago. Lee sighed heavily, kissing the reddening slowly.

"Do you think he knows about you?" Steven suddenly asked us.

"Hm... I'd rather not but that is not out of the question," I shrugged. "It's hard to pretend to be in a neutral relation when you're a couple," sighed, really doubting the anonymity of what was going on between us. I really wanted to live under the illusion that for Marco our relationship was still in the drawer with _my abstract conspiracy theories_ on it but with each passing week such deception was becoming more and more difficult for me. The worst thing was that I didn't have a plan for it all yet and I had to create one.

"Mark is especially screwing up," Steven said with distaste.

"Why me?" Lee was indignant at not joking.

"Because Haechan is naturally happy and you've never smiled before."

"I still don't smile," he said irritably.

"But you are clearly in a good mood sometimes," Steven pointed out jokingly. "Don't you think it's suspicious?"

"Fuck you." It didn't seem to reach Mark that his friend was just making fun. "I should always be sad so as not to arouse suspicions?"

"It didn't bother you before," Steven shrugged, clearly enjoying teasing Mark. I gave him an indulgent look. "You could try harder for our good."

"Like if you didn't notice, a few things have changed," Lee blurted out suddenly, really taking the exchange very personally.

"What supposedly?" the man raised an eyebrow and I rolled eyes. Two large babies began to chatter over the rattle.

"Well... a few things" Minhyung moved carefully from behind my back, then stood up with a deeply embarrassed face. I smiled under breath. "Does it really matter?" he asked uncertainly. "I'm going to the toilet," he announced, walking out of the living room like Road Runner from the Looney Tunes and Merrie Melodies.

"I'm working on it," I said calmly with a smile on face as sat cross-legged on the couch.

"So your hands are full of work, I can see," Steven said, shaking head. We both laughed, recognizing Minhyung as a tragic case.

♥

**[minhyung]**

_A few things have changed..._

It was indeed so. 

Something has changed significantly. 

But what exactly was it? 

It was no longer my behavior. On this point, I was clearly doing what I could. The issue I was talking about with Hyuck at home was more internal. I figured it was about emotions. They have changed.

I lay in bed for a long time, wondering what was going on in my head right now. I wanted to identify what was troubling me. I went back and forth on the last question that had taken me to the brink of endurance and made me do something that still cast a shadow on our relationship.

_How did I actually feel about Donghyuck?_

The answer was very simple and breaking it down into prime factors was impossible for me at the moment. Well, I just felt too much.

I jumped out of bed and left the room. Mom was sitting in the living room reading a book, tightly wrapped in a fluffy blanket. I couldn't believe that after all these years I was finally going to talk to her about such topics. I sat down with a heavy sigh on the couch and we were silent for a moment, though I could feel the eyes of a woman staring at me from her book.

"You have to tell me something," I told her finally.

"I don't _have to_ anything," she muttered warningly, flipping the page ostentatiously. My fingers tightened on the couch padding.

"Can you tell me something?" I asked calmly, though the inside was boiling. Still, I knew I couldn't do much without her opinion right now.

"I can," she graciously admitted, closing the book. Woman put it on the table next to the armchair and looked at me curiously. We didn't talk very often, so she must have been consumed by curiosity about what I might be talking about.

"Describe love to me," I asked factually, staring at the carpet. Mom gave me a strange look, frowning. Finally she burst out laughing softly, putting the back of hand to mouth. I chose to ignore it as I might strangle her otherwise. "What is it for you? How do you define it? " I clarified it, giving her moments to convince that I was asking very seriously. It was her last chance to regain the remnants of respect in my eyes and prove that calling her a _mother_ as a child made any sense.

"Love is hard to define, Minhyung," she said, as if at least had just discovered America. I slowly regretted asking her anything.

"Believe me, I've figured it out already," I muttered irritably. Mom exhaled loudly from lungs, tilting head back.

"This is such a... state?" she thought for a long moment, staring at the ceiling. I was hoping that in answering question she didn't think too much about my father because I didn't want that definition. "To love someone means to want another person both mentally in terms of understanding, to talk, but also physically. Love is not complete without it," she stated, shaking head to emphasize the impossibility of any intimacy without the interplay of the two components. "It's like that when you're close, your heart beats faster and with time the pace stabilizes but the warmth in your heart remains. When you argue, you feel sorry, the whole world irritates you a million times more and you want to destroy the first thing that comes your way" she sighed deeply, probably coming back in head to times of all that arguments with my father that resulted in reducing our tableware to the half of starting amount. "Love is also jealousy, there is no need to hide it. It's wondering if this colleague is really a colleague. Is an SMS from the secretary with the hotel booking details a business meeting or an extramarital affair. But it all comes down to the fact that if you love, you want that love to be yours alone. You want the other person exclusively and you don't want to share it because the thought of leaving simply hurts," she explained calmly, looking at the wedding ring she still has on finger, even though my parents divorced many years ago. "And lots of other similar things," she shrugged, sighing heavily. I wondered if she still loved my father despite the breakup.

"Mhm" I said briefly, finding my answer. When someone else explained such things to me out loud, it was somehow easier for me to relate them to myself. I've felt it all for a long time. Just to put it in one word was a chore for me. After all, I subconsciously knew it was love. So why was I so afraid to admit it? Why was I so afraid to tell Donghyuck this?

"I helped you?" my mom asked with some doubt in voice, as if she didn't quite believe in my emotional ability to label feelings. She never believed it.

"Mhm," I muttered hesitantly. It was a good time to tell her that I was dating Lee Sora's son, her precious friend's kid from neighbourhood. We were supposed to spend Christmas together. Hiding this fact would be very awkward in this context. Even so, I was getting a headache. I didn't have the strength to take the next steps forward. I needed to stand still for a moment.

"Are you in love, son?" she asked a bit subtly, a bit hesitantly and in disbelief, but despite everything with a clear joy in voice. 

I nodded.

"Perhaps" admitted evasively, although in my heart I was sure of everything at the moment. I smiled to myself in disbelief. _What now? So easy?_ "Maybe I'm in love," I repeated softly, more to myself than to her. 

The truth was, however, that just knowing that I had finally defined something that I had long wanted to define was devastating. In hindsight, the October argument with Hyuck seemed so pointless now, so about nothing. I hurt him unnecessarily.

I already felt it then.

I already knew then that I loved him.

So why didn't I deny it when he said that he was certain that I had no feelings for him? It wasn't true. These feelings were already in me then...

"That's good," the woman sighed with relief, as if that was what she had been waiting for for many years. "Love is needed in our lives," she added after a moment's thought, without going further into the details.

♥

**[donghyuck]**

I was sitting on the kitchen counter in the darkness, looking out the window at Lee's porch. Minhyung had been standing there for forty minutes smoking cigarette after cigarette. Boy was clearly having strange thoughts that he had a hard time sharing with me. I waited for a call from him but Mark didn't call; my phone stayed silent. Whatever it was, he wanted to deal with it alone. However, I couldn't look at how he was digested from the inside by problems that we were certainly able to solve together.

"Hello?" he picked up when I dialed number.

"Hey, can't you sleep?" I asked with concern, getting the boy's laugh in response. Mark leaned out from behind the pillar and rested arm against the side porch railing that faced my kitchen window. I clicked the lighting under the cooker hood, revealing my vantage point.

"I can't," he admitted. "And you?"

"Same," I whispered, swinging feet in the air. "Do you want to go for a walk?" I asked.

"Now?" he laughed, not even hiding surprise.

"And why not?" I frowned.

"It's 3 am, Hyuckie," he said, still amused.

"But we both can't sleep," I remarked, not understanding where the discussion was coming from.

"It's dark and cold and you've only recently recovered a bit..."

"Okay, there was no question," I interrupted irritably. He has pissed me off. It was necessary to say right away that he didn't want and not waste my time. "I just wanted to spend some time with you, that's all."

"Well, then we can go," he said quickly, as if sensed I was about to hang up on him. "Sorry, I didn't understand..."

"What didn't you understand?" I asked when no explanation followed words.

"That you really want... you know..." he muttered indistinctly, making me sigh.

"God..." I muttered, wiping disbelief from face. "What the hell am I doing with you..." I wondered aloud and Minhyung started laughing.

"You are," he explained helpfully. "Dress warm, baby, I'm picking you up in ten minutes," he said and hung up immediately. I furrowed brows in amazement and slowly slipped the phone back into pocket.

_B a b y ?_

He lost his mind completely?


	49. Insecurities

**[december 2020]**

**[hunter]**

I stood quietly in front of the banquet hall door and carefully monitored the area. On the occasion of the upcoming holidays, Mr. Perez was organizing a family reunion. _Family_ , because only the most important employees of the company were to appear there. Therefore, I waited impatiently for them.

I haven't seen Mark in almost a month. Neither he nor Steven showed up here at all. The only reason I was able to hear, was because they messed something up, so they have to face the consequences. I didn't know what the consequences were but since they didn't show up at work that long, they were either physically devastating or had some other dimension.

Finally Isabelle appeared at the end of the corridor. She was as dazzling as ever. Girl strolled loftily in a black tight dress and rocked hips gently as if the carpet she was walking on was in fact a catwalk at a fashion show. A woman with no physical blemish at first sight. This fact should not shock - after all, she was the boss's showcase. Her beauty has always amazed me. Mr. Perez wasn't a particularly attractive or characterful man and rumors said that Isabelle was with him because of true love.

After a moment Mark appeared around the corner in a festive tuxedo. He walked slowly at first and kept turning behind as if waiting for the rest of the crowd but then he noticed Isabelle in front of him and started creeping up behind her quickly, his expression focused. When man was right behind the girl, he slapped her ass with all strength, immediately dodging the hit she wanted to inflict on him with purse.

"We may not live together anymore but reflexes remain," he said calmly. Isabelle snorted contemptuously. Their relationship seemed incredibly complex.

"Your better half is not giving you the ass that you keep getting on with me?" she asked mockingly, throwing hair straight in his face.

"You haven't changed at all." Mark shook head in disbelief. Even now, his face was absolutely emotionless and almost stone. "You're still just as cheeky and self-centered," he sighed in mock disappointment. Isabelle, for a change, began to laugh loudly and heartily.

"The saint has spoken," she said with amusement as they reached the hall door.

"Amen" Mark briefly folded hands as if in prayer, then let the girl go ahead, closing the brass door behind him. I sighed softly.

He may be brutal and crazy but still a gentleman.

In less than fifteen minutes, Mr. Perez appeared with Steven at his side, closing the entire procession. Both men were engaged in deep and apparently very serious conversation. They were whispering frantically to each other, gesturing only slightly in the narrow space. The boss nodded head every now and then, agreeing with almost everything his most valuable subordinate murmured in his ear. As they approached the door, Mr. Perez merely made a meaningful hand gesture that told me to go inside and Vernon to stay outside. I followed the men, turning back to the inside of the room. When I closed the door, no one else was in the corridor. I was curious why the _family gathering_ didn't include Haechan. Everyone in the basement seemed close to each other. After all, they were treated here like the elite.

"Hi" I heard suddenly behind my back. A violent shiver ran through me as I turned around and saw the brunet in front. I looked quickly behind, completely not understanding where he had come in and when he actually appeared. "Relax," boy laughed under breath as he locked the door.

"I didn't notice you coming in," I said completely honestly, biting tongue right away. Being my boss's bodyguard, I shouldn't admit to such things.

"Just don't tell that anyone by chance," he warned me calmly, handing over a bunch of keys. I took it from the boy, smiling gratefully.

I liked Haechan.

He wasn't particularly outspoken towards me but I don't think anyone was like that down there. Despite everything, working with him was nice and the boy himself was rather pleasant and helpful. He explained many things to me and told directly, which he cannot explain because of lack of trust. I wasn't offended by that. His attitude seemed quite obvious. I wouldn't trust myself in his place either. But the most important thing for me was that in the end I didn't feel like an intruder somewhere.

Haechan treated me like a co-worker but with less knowledge, less experience and access to secrets. As a person, he seemed rather reticent, which was clearly evident even now as he sat down with the rest of the guests at the table. Everyone talked to someone, some even had a heated discussion, and he ate calmly what he had on plate and didn't get involved in anything. He and Steven had backs to me but I could clearly see who was making eye contact with whom and who wasn't talking to whom.

Mark talked mostly to Isabelle. He was still touching her arms, hair, face. Man did it gently and gracefully and no one seemed to mind that the two had created their own private world. The girl laughed constantly at what Lee told her and when she had something to add, the black-haired listened attentively, nodding head every now and then to keep the conversation flowing.

Steven, on the other hand, continued the conversation with Mr. Perez they had started in the corridor. Their entire exchange even went much further. The man drew boss a sketch on the napkin and kept adding new elements while Mr. Perez watched intently and kept nodding head thoughtfully, as if the line he was talking about really exhausted the hallmarks of an incredibly absorbing thing.

Haechan seemed downright indecently omitted. From what I got to know him, I might be tempted to say that it didn't bother him too much. Brunet always did job in peace and probably didn't like to engage in any additional activities.

Finally he got up calmly from the table and no one but Isabelle seemed to even notice. The girl said something to Mark and followed the boy to the table where there was a boiling water dispenser and a cake. Mark didn't look pleased. He carefully sent the girl away with eyes.

I began to wonder if he was jealous of her. After all, as in every place, there were all sorts of rumors here as well. In their case, the rumors were that Mark and Isabelle regularly slept together and even ended up in one flat. Mr. Perez somehow didn't mind at all, as if sharing your own girlfriend with best friend lay deeply rooted in the Italian mentality. In a word - quite sick atmosphere.

When I finally peeled gaze from Mark's perfect features, Haechan and Isabelle were already in the middle of some conversation, the content of which I didn't understand at all. I had to get used to the fact that everyone here had their secrets and private affairs that no one else knew about. Secrets seemed to remain in twos or threes here. Nothing ever went beyond it.

"You know, he really changed a lot," the brunet continued calmly with some previously started thought. He was stirring the coffee slowly in the mug, though I didn't think it needed it anyway. "Steven doesn't believe it at all, but..."

"I believe you, Hyuck," Isabelle interrupted in a cordial, reassuring manner. The mere fact that she referred to him in a name I had never heard before spoke of their deeper intimacy. I was curious because I'd never seen them anywhere together before. "Anyway, I told you this from the very beginning - you have a huge influence," she said forcefully, tapping the cup with a painted fingernail. "Maybe you don't even appreciate how big."

"You think so?" Haechan laughed uncertainly, glancing at the girl in disbelief. "Because you know... still, it's still a block of concrete."

"Some things you won't move" Isabelle suddenly started laughing, as if the brunet had said one of the funniest things she had ever heard in life. It seemed as if they were talking about some mutual friend who wasn't here. I wondered if it was someone from the outside or a different person working in the basement who was even more incognito than Haechan himself. "But after all, this is your block of concrete. You chose such a block and made a pussy whip out of such a block. "

"Pussy whip?" the boy was surprised, slightly wincing with obvious skepticism.

"I'm begging you, I talked to Steven."

"And did our underground philosopher offer you some golden thought?" Haechan rolled eyes as he took the mug in both hands, then turned back to the table and they both leaned buttocks against it.

"That you can do whatever you want with your block and it won't even bark," Isabelle whispered theatrically and Haechan lowered head and started laughing. "I knew," the girl announced triumphantly.

"It's not like that," the brunet began to defend himself but completely in vain. Isabelle looked at him skeptical, as if he was now retreating into a mechanism of false modesty. "You don't even know what I had to go through to get anything done in this concrete."

"Something blew over my ears that you even survived" the blonde tried to joke but apparently the subject was not very happy.

"I understand this is a success?" Haechan made sure timidly, pouring a faint blush on himself. I wasn't surprised at all. No one straight would be able to remain calm with a woman of this caliber.

"Well, I would probably bite the flowers from below, as if I had told him painful truth."

They both started laughing and finally Mark got up from his seat and decided to join them. He clearly didn't like being alone, so decided to intervene. Man stood in front of friends with hand in pants pocket.

"What is this passionate conversation about?" he asked with a sigh.

"About building materials," Isabelle said vaguely. At first I thought it was some kind of hidden metaphor for the three of them but Lee clearly didn't understand the code.

"Funny as always," he smirked, then quickly returned to usual stone mask. "Your boyfriend wants his girlfriend's company," explained, apparently passing on only information from Mr. Perez.

"You envy?" she asked a little provocatively and a little flirtatious, raising one eyebrow up.

"How can you not envy another guy such a woman?" Mark remarked clearly cynically. There was a quick and rather tense exchange of glances between them. It was hard for me to decipher what was actually going on. Is Mark jealous of his boss now, which is why he's doing her such digs? Were they just like that? It was impossible to read the answers from Lee's face and I couldn't understand anything from their words.

"Look but don't touch," Isabelle whispered temptingly, then walked away, swaying hips in her own way. As if she was on the hunt forever. Apparently that was the way she was already. After all, Isabelle was a hooker for many years. I wasn't sure if it still isn't that way. At least she was believed to be able to seduce anyone if wanted to.

"Are you arguing already?" Haechan asked Mark calmly, perceiving their conversation differently.

"She pissed me off before entering," the man confirmed impassively, which was completely contrary to everything I suspected. The two weren't acting like they were arguing at the table. They looked like friends. Apparently, I really knew very little about them.

"New record" Haechan sighed heavily as he poured coffee into the second cup. "What did she upset you with?" asked, handing it to Mark.

"She offended my majesty," said vaguely and for a moment he and Haechan stared at each other without words or special expression. "Izzy said she sensed my sexual needs are frustrated," he finally announced and the brunet laughed and immediately put the back of hand to mouth because of the coffee he had drunk.

"How did she sense it?" he asked, still unable to contain amusement. "Gave you a crotch medical examination under the table?" asked jokingly, to which Mark only wiggled eyebrows, still not working any other facial muscles in any way. Even I smiled under breath. Haechan could be very funny. Overall, he joked a lot.

"Last week has been pretty weak," Mark shrugged, staring steadily at Haechan a little from above. I wondered how he could withstand such intense eyesight.

"There seemed to be nothing to complain about," he replied cryptically. I had no idea what Mark was doing privately. Haechan could already have such knowledge. "But maybe I don't know something?" he asked, wondering aloud but as if without much interest.

"Hard to judge," Mark shrugged. "Maybe I need to look for some younger ass than I have..."

"So what was that about for real?" Hyuck finally asked, coming into his mind. Mark looked at him for a moment, then finally looked down.

"About you," he muttered almost silently. I barely heard it and honestly, if it weren't for the rest of their conversation, I would have been convinced that I misheard. "We haven't spoken to each other at all since that... incident," he added after a moment. "She was furious when heard what I did to you," added, still looking at their feet.

"Stop it", Haechan's expression changed completely in the blink of an eye. From amused to pissed off on the verge of crying. "You can't take it back."

"She said that if I don't get over my aggression and hears that I hurt you again, she'll tell my mother that I need to be incapacitated again and put me back in the center," he sighed heavily, taking a sip of coffee. "Fucking bitch."

"I understand that the part about telling mom scared you the most?" Hyuck suddenly started laughing as if they hadn't talked a moment ago about Mark's doing him some terrible harm when he went berserk.

"Because she is a terrifying woman," the black-haired admitted with total seriousness. "Do you think she settled my incapacitation in accordance with the law because I deserved it?"

"Minhyung, don't even start this topic, please," Haechan sighed heavily, putting hand to forehead in helplessness. Another strange name for my ears. _Minhyung_. "You almost beat him to death," he said suddenly, raising voice slightly but so that the rest of the table still wouldn't have access to their conversation. "Did you expect her to want to sleep under the same roof with you after you put your own brother in a coma?"

"I still think he deserved it," Mark stood firm, while Hyuck grew more and more irritated.

"I also deserved then, in your opinion?" he asked reproachfully.

"Fuck you," Lee replied suddenly in disbelief. Their relation was strange, I had to admit. "How many times do I have to make a clean breast of being a bastard so that you can finally understand that I have nothing more regrets than the fact that I hurt you then?" he asked. "That I regret as hell everything that was even before that?"

"Not at all," Haechan shrugged dismissively. "You started this fucking topic yourself," he said dryly.

"Okay, that's it. This is not a place to argue," he sighed heavily, looking around just to get away from the heavy atmosphere of an argument that had arisen between them. When our eyes met, this fact didn't catch on to me. I expected the man's gaze to slide over as dispassionately as it does every time. This time, however, was different. He looked at me longly and intensely with piercing, blackened eyes of his and I couldn't take my eyes off. After a few seconds of eternity for me, Mark frowned thoughtfully and I looked down. "Come closer to the window," he decided calmly, probably finding it necessary to distance himself from me. I was an unnecessary pair of extra ears for conversation, which was clearly unacceptable to him.

They stood at the huge windows from which there was a view of the nearest part of the city. Haechan was leaning back against the pillar, showing me his profile. Mark, in turn, nonchalantly pressed arm against the window, still showing me face in all its glory.

They started talking seriously about something. It was more Mark talking and Haechan nodded and kept adding few words from time to time. Eventually their conversation stopped. The black-haired looked out the window and sipped coffee, while the brunet looked at the ground and thought deeply about something. When he finally asked the question, Lee looked at him with raised eyebrows and Haechan shrugged. Boy handed him his coffee and bettered Mark's tie, constantly explaining something to him. Eventually Lee asked a question and when he got the answer, something I had thought impossible before happened.

Mark laughed.

He tried to be serious for a moment but Haechan said something again that made Lee bit lower lip first, then he couldn't hold back and burst out laughing as turned to face the window to hide amusement. Hyuck started laughing too but he turned towards the room for a change, not ashamed of his good mood at all. He smiled a little remark over his shoulder, to which Mark replied with such a radiant smile that I wondered for a moment if he was the same perpetually dissatisfied and cold person. They both started laughing again and shaking heads, as if the story they had just shared shouldn't have amused them at all.

The moment I realized that strange feeling twinge in my heart was jealousy, my gaze met Haechan's. The boy smiled for a moment, then glanced at Mark and seemed to think deeply. When he looked back at me, it was clear to me that he had figured out everything. It never took much for Haechan to decode any message - it was usually only a matter of seconds. The boy looked at me sympathetically and just shook head briefly as if to signal me that I shouldn't be doing this to myself.

That it won't get me anywhere good.

♥

**[donghyuck]**

We came back from the meeting in a huge snowstorm, which only made my mood, which was not very happy, even worse. I was looking out the glass and thinking about Hunter and the conclusion I had reached.

He liked Mark.

I sighed softly, crossing arms over chest. You might ask _So what ?_. But it wasn't that easy for me. It was one thing for Isabelle to explain that I didn't want her to sleep with him and another for a similar conversation with Hunter. The one with Hunter could not even take place, considering that he reports directly to Marco and obeys him as befits a faithful dog.

The only question is whether Mark would have cheat on me if there been a favorable situation. They say that once a man goes to bed with someone else, he will also go a second, third and fourth time. He'll be cheating all the time because that's what he has in blood. Mark didn't define sex as something private. For him, it was the road to satisfaction and it didn't matter who he was having sex with. Or so it was before our argument. After that, he touched no one else but me. At least I didn't sense anyone else on him.

"Don't think about it," Minhyung whispered, placing hand on my thigh as he parked car.

"What?" I was surprised, distracted from my own thoughts. More and more often I turned off in this way. I didn't quite like it but I couldn't control the security that poured pleasantly over my body when we were together. But I was also losing my vigilance and that was no advantage.

"Marco and Steven," he said, watching me calmly. "Even on Christmas Eve, they made a business meeting," he sighed heavily, smiling under breath. "If it's important, we'll find out anyway, huh? Don't worry that pretty head on that," he muttered, kissing my forehead. I closed eyes for a moment, savoring that side of Minhyung that he had been for some time. I wondered what happened to him that changed so dramatically in the past two weeks. He became affectionate, caring and gentle. He made me fall in love with him more and more, which terrified me. It terrified me that I couldn't imagine a future without this man by my side.

_What did that mean to us?_

"You're right," said simply. I didn't feel like going into what I was really thinking about. I decided to give it a trial period because so far drawing conclusions about the cheating from Hunter's goo-goo eyes was an unfounded accusation against Mark. Nothing had happened between them and I had no right to believe otherwise.

As we entered Minhyung's apartment, my intrusive thoughts didn't disappear at all. Feelings of inferiority, eternal degradation, worthlessness, being a puppet - such feelings have been with me constantly from my early childhood. If I was under the illusion that I owned something exclusively, it was only for a moment, until it was taken from me.

I didn't want to ask Mark how he felt about me. I was afraid of his answer, his reaction. I was afraid to break up again because things had been going so well for us for a while. I was afraid of any quarrel or differences in opinions.

"What's up honey?" he asked when I snuggled carefully against his back as boy poured himself a glass of water. I rested forehead on Hyung's jacket, wondering what was happening to me lately. I've never been like this with Seth. I've never been so irrational.

"Nothing," I whispered, untangling hands from his grip. I closed fingers lightly on the fabric of Mark's white shirt, slowly pulling its hem down from pants. I was a little ashamed of doing this but otherwise I couldn't drown out that nasty whisper that questioned Minhyung's feelings for me and made me an unfounded jealousy.

"Hyuck..." Mark started to laugh as my hand disappeared into his panties.

"Something you mentioned about frustrated sexual needs, baby," I mentioned sweetly as he turned to catch my face in hands. Minhyung studied me for a long moment, thumbs running down my cheeks.

"You. Small. Devil..." he muttered in disbelief, looking into my eyes. I smiled under breath, bringing our lips together in a short kiss. Minhyung shook head as if impressed with the way I approached him. Boy looked at me with a raised eyebrow, eyes saying _okay, it will be like you want_ , then began to unbutton shirt. 

Boy took a step forward that forced me to take a step back. We began to undress slowly, walking like this without breaking eye contact.

"Use this time well," I whispered, grabbing his tie and pulling toward the bed. Mark, however, skillfully used this movement to get into my mouth. "Tomorrow you go back to mommy again," I reminded, wanting to annoy him. Minhyung laughed, however, mumbling something like a _fucking devil_ between kisses.

He stripped me naked sooner than finished this golden thought and I also had a feeling that he was as thirsty for me as I am thirsty to drown out irrational conspiracy theories in my head. In order to get rid of them completely, however, I had to finish it all my own way. Or at least half. Sex without dominating me was a wasted sex for Mark. I couldn't allow it.

"Wow, baby," he gasped as I pushed him violently onto the bed, straddling boy immediately. Minhyung was shocked. But so was me. I've never acted like this. But today was definitely different than any other day. I needed Mark like this.

"Shhh" I sighed, grabbing his wrists as Mark grabbed my hips instinctively. I pulled them away from my body and pressed to the mattress just above the boy's head. "Mr. Lee..." I muttered scoldingly, as if I'd caught him doing something very rude. I stretched out over Minhyung's body, licking his neck slowly. Mark cursed under breath as he tried to pull away. I tightened fingers around his crossed wrists and had to admit with shame that this was the first time I had ever used my physical strength against him. There was no help, he must have had a hard time today. "Lie down," I laughed knowingly, staring deep into Minhung's eyes. We were breathing fast and shallow, although in fact nothing had happened between us yet. I wanted to make him tick now enough so that I could unleash him later and let be brutal. I needed him to be sharp today, to enter as deeply into me as he can. To hurt me and prove that wasn't going anywhere. "Do you want domination?" I asked provocatively and almost mockingly, sliding free hand slowly down his abdomen, straight between the boy's legs. Mark's mouth left a soft grunt as he felt my cool fingers against his cock. "Fight for it," I muttered, challenging him.

Minhyung looked at me with pure, wild desire, closing eyes almost immediately as I slowly slid down onto him. I let out an uncontrolled groan myself, completely ruining the character I was playing. I've never been dominant. I've always been weaker and surrendered. I couldn't fight for mine by force.

Maybe that was my role.

As my father told me, I am just a pathetic sex toy that others will satisfy with.

I started riding Minhyung, tears welling up in my eyes.

I wanted to get away from these thoughts.

I wanted so much to escape...

I let go of Mark's wrists, allowing him to grab my hips and lift upright with me between his thighs. I put arms around the boy tightly, falling on him more and more violently as much as I could with the growing fatigue. Mark's wet lips traveled over my neck, sucking and biting its skin. After all, Christmas was approaching, who cares longer about the red markings on the body. If that was what signed me as his property, then he could mark me whatever he wanted.

I let out a long sigh, tilting head back with a loud groan of pleasure as Minhyung himself began to move hips impatiently as if still hadn't enough. I grabbed hold of his hair, pulling entire head back when he licked wet tongue against my nipple. I pressed our lips together sharply, my hand tightly gripping Mark's shoulder where I was leaning.

"Oh, Hyung-ah!" I groaned tearfully, hugging him tightly to me as the boy's hips collided violently against my ass halfway. I was already one step away from madness.

"Sorry baby, I can't take this anymore..." Minhyung whispered frantically, throwing me under him.

"Okay," I grunted, taking him happily between my legs in the altered position. "Just fuck me," I gasped. "As much as you can dooooo!" I added after a while, ending the sentence with a moan.

Minhyung suddenly grabbed my right calf and tossed it sharply to the left, bringing my knees together. Boy pushed them under my chest and after a moment's hesitation he started taking me in a way that turned out to be a bull's-eye. It was an intermediate position between the one I allowed and the one I hated, so I understood Mark's initial insecurity when he put me in it. But the pleasure it gave was so much greater and I quickly accepted it too.

I hid face in the sheets, clenching fingers against it with all my might. I was moaning loudly with repeated _oh_ 's, wanting to finally come but for some reason I couldn't, as if my fulfillment today was one hundred percent dependent on the fulfillment of Minhyung, which I still didn't feel inside myself.

I pressed forehead to knees as Mark sped up, leaning slightly on me. I grabbed him blindly by neck and pulled closer against body, digging nails into his skin. I finally let out a loud moan on the verge of a scream, fingers clutching the boy's hair as I finally came. Moments later, I felt Minhyung cum inside me, panting heavily with lips pressed against my shoulder.

I stared straight ahead for a moment, looking at the pillows. I was breathing shallowly, feeling like struggling for every easy breath. Heart wanted to break out of chest and anus letting me know right now that tomorrow morning wouldn't be the most pleasant. After all, I already felt relative peace. Some of my demons have been successfully silenced.

At last I felt Minhyung coming out of me slowly and then grabbed me gently by the hip and turned over to face him. We looked at each other for a long time in silence, until finally Mark started laughing.

"My lustful cutie" he murmured seductively, pressing our lips together. "My sweet, little devil," he added between kisses, bringing a big smile to my face. I wrapped legs tightly around Hyung's waist, although it would be best to wash myself now. I didn't want to get out of bed yet.

"Only yours," I chuckled, pulling him closer by the nape.

I wanted him to kiss all the bad of me that was left to erase.

I dreamed of just being his to the end.

I dreamed about him to be the one, so that I wouldn't have to give my body to anyone else.

I wanted to kill the voice of the past whispering with contempt that I would be a toy for many.

If I was going to be a toy, I only wanted to be the toy of the one man who was kissing me so passionately now.

Just the one man I loved so madly.

"Fuck off," Minhyung muttered in displeasure as his phone started ringing somewhere in clothes scattered across the sheets. I reached into Mark's pants, which were on the pillow near me and pulled mobile from pocket. "He'll always find a moment, fucking bastard," he sighed irritably, glancing at the screen. "What's up, man?" asked, sitting down beside me. I propped up on elbows, watching the boy curiously. After all, we all just met. What did they want from him again? "No, I'm in apartment, at my place," he said calmly, lips forming voiceless _Marco_. I rolled eyes as lay lifeless on the sheets. "I didn't want to go home by night and alcohol," Minhyung lied quickly why he didn't go to his mother right after the meeting. Boy placed a lazy and long kiss on my neck, then got off the bed and made way to the windows. I sighed in displeasure, staring at the ceiling. "What's the case?" Mark asked before I got out of bed and went to the bathroom. If Marco decided to call him now, although he had seen him in person less than two hours ago, this conversation wasn't going to end soon anyway.

♥

**[minhyung]**

"I didn't want to go home by night and alcohol," I explained briefly, although my body hadn't experienced alcohol since November. I leaned over Hyuck's neck, which was such an erogenous part of his body that it was drawing my lips against itself. I kissed him languidly, wanting to get back between his legs so much that I was pissed that Marco got in my way. I stood up slowly from the bed, walking towards the window, which was raging in a blizzard.

"I have a business with you," he announced, ignoring my quick excuse about where I was staying tonight.

"What's the case?" I asked, glancing back when I heard the sheets rustling. Hyuck got up from the mattress and walked slowly into the bathroom, brushing vigorously through horribly messed hair. I sent a long, longing look at boy's plump, twitching buttocks. I smiled under breath. I didn't know what got into him in bed today, but I liked it.

"More news," Marco corrected, calling me back to what was here and now, not a few steps away in the shower. "If all goes well, we'll close the brothel by August," he announced unexpectedly.

"That's great news," I admitted with false enthusiasm. I didn't give a shit, to be honest.

"At the turn of February and March we will have a meeting in our restaurant. I wish you were on it. "

"Diego wouldn't be a better option?" I asked hopefully because I didn't want to be part of it at all. I was disgusted with these banquets. "After all, he watches over everything."

"It won't be a matter of knowledge and information, but of authority," Marco quickly explained to me what he thought of his own cousin. Another pawn in the game. "I need your composure and a cool mind. They all know you. Diego is nothing to them," he said and in my mind I saw Perez spreading hands helplessly.

"But it's your family" I tried my last bargaining chip. "Doesn't it look any better? Such family traditions and blood ties? " Marco started laughing.

"This is not the time of Vito Corleone in Godfather, Mark," he chided and I rolled eyes. "We are in the twenty-first century," he explained.

"If you say so..." I stated seriously, considering that a false laugh would be out of place.

"Sorted then," he muttered lastly. Not that I have any choice anyway.

"Sorted" I confirmed, wanting to end this conversation. I still had a chance to make it to Hyuck for a shower. "Merry Christmas" I said goodbye.

"Exactly," he muttered and hung up as if Christmas greetings couldn't pass his throat. After a moment of reflection, I decided that it wasn't a good move to pass it through mine as well.

I looked out over the city, sighing heavily. The last two weeks have been emotionally difficult for me in many ways. Hours of thinking about my own feelings finally brought some results, but what if so if I couldn't do anything about them. I couldn't approach Hyuck, grab his shoulders and say what I wanted.

To say I love him...

Truly and with all my heart.

I love this kid.

_Oh, Hyung-ah!_

_I love that, too_ , admitted silently, laughing to myself.

I stretched hard, feeling excited again at the memory. Such sounds from Hyuck's mouth were a real novelty for me. I'd never heard it before but loved the way he mumbled my name. He could have done that much more often.

As I turned to go to the bathroom and join my boyfriend in the shower, the only light in the living room went out. I pulled eyebrows as glanced back at the gradually fading part of the city.

"Fucking snowstorm," I muttered under breath.

I went to the room at the back of the apartment where I kept my old moving cardboard boxes. There were still some scented candles my mother had given me in case of just such an event. As I walked past the bathroom, I heard Hyuck turn off the water. _So much for a shared shower_ , I thought. Luck wanted the moon to shine brighter on this side of the apartment. I could find what I wanted without any problem. As I left the room, I saw the outline of a Hyuck peeking out of the bathroom.

"Minhyung?" he exclaimed uncertainly, sniffling. I smiled and started walking very slowly and discreetly towards him. I knew how sensitive this little shit was, and took all the precautions to get him discreetly from behind. The two rooms were not separated by a long road, so when Donghyuck hesitantly left the bathroom, I was already behind him and put palm around his mouth. Before I realized how disastrous this joke would be, I felt boy's hand on my neck and literally after a second my back fell violently against the toilet door, closing it with a bang. I closed eyelids tightly and curled hands up, completely unprepared for this behavior from Hyuck. Almost immediately, however, the grip on my throat gave way and the brunet himself took two quick steps back, as if he had scared himself.

"Are you crazy?" he asked angrily, clutching the hand that grabbed my neck, as if it had started to burn him just by the fact that it had almost suffocated me. "Don't ever do that to me again, Minhyung," he asked, all shaken, hugging himself tightly with arms.

"Fuck, it was you choking me, baby," I blurted out, gently rubbing the spot where Haechan's fingers had been tightly clenched a moment ago.

"You shouldn't have made such dumb stalks," boy said coolly.

"Who were you expecting in this apartment?" I asked irritably. "We were alone here," explained as if he hadn't noticed yet.

"And you work for the mafia or in a toy store?" Hyuck raised voice, still in vivid emotion after what had happened. "Think a little sometimes," he said firmly. "You're not five anymore," said reproachfully and I realized he was right. Just because Marco thought the apartment was safe never meant that it was. Besides, I saw a part of the city leaving the electricity, Hyuck was found by darkness in a closed room. However, how quickly he reacted and this tactic... It bothered me.

"Don't be so upset," I asked quietly, not really wanting to argue now. We haven't argued for so long that it would be really stupid to change it with some childish joke. "Sorry," I said honestly, walking up to Hyuck uncertainly. But when he didn't move, I wrapped arms around him slowly and hugged. The boy exhaled loudly, pressing lips against my collarbone. "Where you got so much strength, baby?" I asked, thinking hard about it.

I knew they had some training but I always thought Donghyuck was, in short, a fag about these things. We never talked about what he knew apart from interrogations and following people. I simply assumed in advance that he was useless. Why have I never thought about it? Why have I never considered that it could be otherwise? I should.

_You are ignorant._

I guess I really was. Now it was stupid to ask. These are the basics. We should clear that up at the Norfolk stage at the latest, before we ended up in bed together. After this sex, the door closed to many questions.

"Sorry," he blurted out after a moment as the first shock faded. "I didn't hurt you, did I?" he asked, slightly panicked, running fingers over my face and neck.

"No," I laughed, kissing his forehead. "But I lost candles," admitted, deliberately avoiding the claim that they fell out when I hit head against the door. "The electricity went out in the blizzards," I explained so that he would find out the real cause of the power outage and stop being so paranoid. We both squated, groping the floor for candles.

"I have two," Hyuck whispered hesitantly after a while, staring at me in the dark.

"So you've got them all," smirked as I approached boy with the lighter. I sat down on the mattress, lighting both candles. I set them on the bedside table to the left of the bed. "Come to me," I laughed as I saw boy lie down on the other end, keeping distance. Hyuck gave me an uncertain look but nevertheless cuddled up to me, covering both of us with the duvet. I slipped hand carefully under his shirt and began to slowly touch scars. It might sound silly but I really liked doing it. This activity allowed me to focus and organize my own thoughts. "Sometimes I wonder how all this is possible," I finally murmured after lying in silence for a long time. "You and me".

"In what sense?" Donghyuck got up on shoulder, watching me closely. When I shrugged, he combed my hair gently as always did when didn't quite understand me.

"We're very different," I sighed heavily as I finally let it out and said aloud. The weight of these words overwhelmed me more than once.

"That's right, we are," Hyuck admitted without hesitating, still closely following every change in my face.

"But somehow we have to magically fit together," I said confidently. I really felt that our relationship wouldn't be possible if we had absolutely nothing in common.

"I suppose so..." Donghyuck whispered, searching my eyes for the answer to his silent question. People were like open books to him. He read their behavior, read their emotions. Why didn't it work out with me? Why Hyuck couldn't read in my eyes what couldn't pass my throat? "What's on your mind, Minhyung?" he asked as if a little anxiously.

"You know..." I began hesitantly, deciding that maybe this was the right time to tell him everything. "After leaving the center, I promised myself that I wouldn't get involved with anyone. Don't ask why, please..." I forestalled brunet's mouth forming sentence. I wasn't ready for that part of the story today. "But you showed up," I smiled, seeing a slight blush on the boy's cheeks. Or maybe I just wanted to see it? The dim light of the candles gave a lot of room for imagination. "I felt a pathological need for exclusive ownership of you."

"My pleasure?" Donghyuck laughed, staring at me in disbelief.

"Since I was a child, everyone has been telling me that I am a monster, that I have no emotions, that I have to be locked up... but not you," I quickly explained to him what made me fall in love with him so much. That he didn't judge. Back then, on the beach, he was the first to decide not to judge me, even though he had heard only bad things before. "You never let me feel that I'm deficient in some way..."

"Because you're not..." he suddenly felt indignant but I put fingers gently to boy's mouth.

"They always said that I'm not capable of love, that I have no emotions..." I whispered, swallowing nervously. "But to you..." I started hesitantly, looking at the ceiling. "I have some for you, Hyuck," I finally confessed, coming to the conclusion that today is not a day for the _L_ word. "How is this possible?"

"I don't know," Hyuck shrugged, looking at me with a smile. "I can't explain a lot of things either," he admitted calmly.

"Between us?"

"Overall," he corrected my galloping thoughts. "But between us, too," agreed.

"What, for example?" I asked, really wondering what was such a big mystery about our relationship.

"Between us?" he made sure and I nodded. "Hm, for example..." he muttered thoughtfully, then suddenly started laughing and hid face in my neck. I hugged him in surprise when I felt an embarrassed kiss against my skin. "Then on the beach... you know," he murmured embarrassed, still unable to contain himself from laughing.

"I know," admitted, smiling as I gently combed boy's hair.

"I don't do things like that, Minhyung," he vowed, looking at me. "Before you, I only had one guy and I only slept with him," he assured, as if his whole life depended on it. "I hate the touch of strangers and then... I don't know what happened," he shook head, as if really such behavior was completely beyond rationality. "I wanted you to take me, Minhyung. I wanted an unfamiliar guy to fuck me. This isn't normal," he said, looking at me seriously. I, for a change, started laughing. He was cute at the moment.

"Just to make it clear, I don't fuck strangers either," I said right away, putting hand on heart. "Especially strangers from the beach. But you really had something in eyes," I admitted, recalling the times when I couldn't think of anything else for days but his beautiful irises glistening in the light of the lighter flame.

"You were drunk," Donghyuck said with an expression of doubt at what I was saying.

"The drunk man sees more," I laughed, patting him gently on the butt. Hyuck rolled eyes. "I don't regret it happened then," I assured immediately, setting our conversation on a serious tone. "I regret a lot of the things that happened after that but I never regretted it,".

"I don't regret it anymore too," he whispered, looking at me with a smile.

"Hyuck..." 

_Maybe now?_

"Hm?" he muttered, nudging me gently with nose. I looked at him closely and found that I had no guts after all. I was so weak when it was about this boy.

"So we both agree that we started on the beach?" I asked instead of what I wanted to say. Hyuck looked at me in amazement. "Sorry," I said right away, looking down. I didn't take into account that it might be out of place.

"That's a very good question, Hyungie," he whispered, however, surprising me. "Don't be shy about that stuff. If you're ready to talk about it now, then let's do it".

"Sorry," I repeated thoughtlessly. "It's just that I get so stressed out that I'll offend you someday because I don't feel that it is inappropriate and I will accidentally lead to an argument," explained my hesitation in an uncertain voice.

"What a cutie" Donghyuck laughed, tugging gently at my cheek. "Don't be stressed. I'm trying to count all of this," he assured calmly. "Do you think it's good to say that something serious has started between us on the beach?" he asked and I confirmed.

"Yes, I think so..." I added hesitantly.

"Well. I think so too." Hyuck, in turn, agreed with a firm voice. There is nothing like the oral date of a relationship beginning a million years after you were in the relationship. We really were one of a kind. "I'm happy with you, Minhyung," he whispered, cuddling tightly against my chest. "Let's not spoil it anymore in some stupid way," he asked gruntingly, apparently getting ready for sleep.

"Okay, I'll try," I promised with real determination. I was really going to do this. "I'm happy too," I confessed hesitantly in compensation for still not being able to tell him what was most important.


	50. Cupcakes with a dream filling

**[december 2020]**

**[minhyung]**

I slowly pushed the photo box into the large carrying case with things I wanted to get rid of. I cleaned office of everything that reminded me of how hopeless I was and how much harm I could do. I deleted anything that reminded me I was a monster. The monster I no longer wanted to be. I added to it all the blasted whiskey that dirtied my carpet that last unfortunate libation. I sighed heavily, concluding that giving up alcohol just in case wouldn't be a bad choice either.

"Hey, can I?" Suddenly I heard Hyuck's uncertain voice from the doorway.

"Sure," I muttered. "Why are you stupidly asking?" I was surprised, at which the boy just shrugged. He walked slowly to the couch and sat on it with a heavy sigh. I watched him go and resumed my activity. Brunet, however, only looked ahead with a pensive face and didn't say a word for the next few minutes. He had been a bit weird in general since the staff eve and it's been a week now. "What's up, Hyuckie?" I asked urgently, shuffling papers in a drawer. I hated when he acted like this, as if he was about to tell me he was coming back to Seth or we had to part ways for a while. These were the only thoughts that came to my mind when Hyuck stood in front of me with that face.

"Minhyung..." he began hesitantly, as if didn't quite know what he wanted to communicate to me. I just hoped it wasn't something emotionally heavy. It is true that I was making some progress in this regard but it was rather continuous and slow progress, not a sharp one. "I guess I'm jealous," Donghyuck blurted out suddenly, staring at me as if he didn't believe it himself either.

"What?" I asked stupidly, still processing what he said. I frowned. "Of who?" I asked, not fully understanding his concern.

"Well, of you," Hyuck said almost irritably, as if blamed me for not being able to figure out a lot of things. "Who else would I be? Are you my guy or the guy at the kiosk around the corner? "

"Relax, sweetheart," I laughed, resting arms on the cardboard. In a non-quarrel situation, pissed off Hyuck was incredibly funny. "I just don't understand why. That's all," shrugged. Lee sighed once more, hugging the pillow that lay on the couch next to him previously.

"Because you see..." brunet began hesitantly. "It's about that Hunter..." he muttered and I started laughing out loud. I shook head in disbelief. "It's not funny, Mark Lee," the boy scolded me for frivolous attitude. "He really finds you attractive."

"And so what about that, baby?" I asked, still amused. "Let it go, we won't stop it anyway," I rolled eyes. Hunter was my least concern these days. Donghyuck was making a mountain out of a molehill.

I was more concerned about what we talked at the Christmas gathering a while ago. It was a matter of fact that when I came across this kid with eyes, I remembered that he was in my office on the day of disgraceful and humiliating alcoholic libation. Much memory of that evening was covered in a thick cap of unconsciousness. But I knew that I wasn't very nice to him. Of course, Donghyuck had to turn it all into a joke and start an endless merry-go-round about my emotional coldness and the fact that no one is as warm and subtle as I am. 

Well, now he served one right. 

Apparently my good heart was able to attract some very stray and very disturbed soul. At least Lee saw it that way. I didn't care a bit about that. I was more concerned that I wasn't saying anything stupid about Marco, about the company and especially about my private life. If our relationship with Hyuck came to light, the damage caused by it was beyond estimation for the two of us. This kind of unknown killed any peace of mind and provided sleepless nights.

Donghyuck finally put the pillow aside and stared blankly ahead. I shook head in resignation, dumping all clothes that needed freshening up in a new box. I wondered why the boy was so bothered by the Hunter case. After all, it was a completely random person in our lives. But I pu passionate packing aside and walked slowly over to Hyuck. I lifted his chin gently upwards with index finger, making brunet look at me.

"Do you feel at risk?" I asked a bit mockingly but couldn't completely eliminate it. I just felt the irrationality of it all. How could I fall in love with someone else now that I only recently realized that this little devil owned my whole heart? The emotional processes in my head weren't able to evolve that quickly. He knew it himself perfectly well. Hyuck, however, shook head in response, grabbing my hand. He pulled it away from face, still not letting go.

"No, that's not the point, I guess..." he muttered morosely. I sighed heavily as crouched down in front of him.

"So what?" I asked calmly, knowing Hyuck was in some oddly cranky mood. The boy looked at me wearily as I ran thumb over his cheek.

"I don't know anymore," whispered, resting forehead on mine. "I'm feeling weird lately," he confessed, probably referring to the situation we were in in general. We didn't see each other at work, today it was an exception because I had come to talk to Marco about the brothel and get my stuff for the new year. I was living temporarily with mother. Hyuck spent days with Hunter, who the brunet thought was hitting on me and making him strangely jealous. I was struggling to find the right moment to make a love confession and Donghyuck apparently also struggled with his own private demons. A lot of things were happening between us emotionally.

"Me too," I honestly admitted. We looked at each other for a long time. Hyuck gently combed my hair back, smiling under breath. I liked that our relationship was so calm and gentle now. We lived together peacefully without any weird arguments, throwing each other against walls and yelling stupid things in faces. "I don't fully realize we'll be spending Christmas together this year," I said after a moment's pause, wanting to change the subject. After all, Christmas Eve was already in a few days.

"Are you happy?" Hyuck finally smiled, placing a gentle kiss on my lips.

"I'm glad," I admitted happily.

"How much?" he started teasing me, nudging with nose. I smiled as gave him a kiss. My little devil.

"Hellishly," said amused, pulling him closer by hips. Donghyuck smirked, taking my thirsty lips on his own with evident approval.

Lately I've been wondering how to tell him all this.

How to convey that I cannot live without him?

How to say that we can never argue again because then I feel like shit and I'm in a mess?

How to let him know that the last days without him were a real torment for me?

How to tell that I love him?

I didn't know what the right moment was. I couldn't feel it at all. I wanted to have it behind and wanted him to know what I figured out in head. I was afraid, however, that I would ignite it at the least appropriate moment for such confessions and foul up everything as usual.

That's why I was still waiting.

And the waiting was driving me crazy.

Hyuck's fingers gripped my hair tightly as I pulled boy down onto lap and we both ended on the floor. The boy started to laugh, biting my lower lip. As I clenched hands on his buttocks, brunet sighed lingeringly and that sigh coincided with the knock on the door. We looked at each other uncertainly.

"I'll kill him, whoever he is, I swear," muttered in displeasure as Hyuck slid off me to sit back on the couch.

"Be glad he knocked at all," said as I wiped mouth with the back of hand. He was right. We did something disturbingly irresponsible. I ran fingers through disheveled hair slowly and stood behind the desk.

"Come in," I exclaimed with obvious displeasure. Our carelessness didn't change the fact that someone interrupted us with something we definitely didn't want to interrupt. Hunter stood in the doorway, so I was just more irritated that it appeared to be him. The boy looked at Hyuck with complete lack of understanding as to why he was actually here. Donghyuck, however, sat with his nose on the phone, pretending to be absent so he couldn't notice it. "What do you want?" I asked, snapping fingers to get his attention where it should be.

Lee was sure it was about me?

"Mr. Perez is handing over the documents," he explained, waving some quite thick files in front of him. I looked at them with concern. Only one file looked like this. The cover was already screaming at me from afar that there was some sort of criminal case inside. I sighed heavily as walked over to the boy. I looked at him closely but Hunter looked down in a split second.

"Thanks," muttered resignedly, taking a thick volume that had at least a ream of paper. I frowned, peering uncertainly inside and grimaced.

"What's up?" Hyuck asked, seeing my expression.

"The Prosecutor's Office" I whispered, staring blankly at the photo of the young policeman. "Reading book for Christmas" I smiled crookedly under breath. I didn't understand why Marco gave it to me right now. Christmas gift? Apparently he thought my mood was too fucked up lately so he needs to fix it. "I'll be reading on my knee under the Christmas table," I said furiously, tossing the file onto desk with a loud thud. "Fuck it," I growled, pushing the rest of the papers quite messy into the cardboard box, losing the mood for pedantic stacking.

"Hey, take it easy" Donghyuck got up quickly from the couch and walked over to the desk. "Don't be so nervous about it," he asked softly, taking the briefcase in hand. Boy studied it for a moment, then hugged to chest. "We'll split it in half and manage somehow," he smiled in a way that really calmed me. I looked at Hyuck wearily.

"Fuck it," I said simply. "You're not gonna waste your time off with some shit. I'll get it," assured, scolding myself a little for the moody tone in which I said it. Of course I wished Hyuck would at least sit next to me while going through these papers but I also knew that Christmas meant something different to him than to me. Holidays were completely irrelevant.

"But this is just a moment..." boy started to protest but stopped midway as I closed eyes, sighing heavily. I hated repeating myself and he knew it perfectly well.

"Hyuckie..." I muttered tiredly. I really didn't feel like arguing with him. The mere fact that Marco gave me this briefcase was depressing enough. "I said no. What in this message you're not able to decode? " asked calmly, when I could still see the seeds of stubborn putting his foot down in the boy's eyes. We stared at each other for a long moment, until Hyuck bit lower lip delicately and looked down, nodding gently towards the door. I glanced to the side. We forgot about Hunter, who was still standing like a bump on the log on the floor of my office. "Anything else?" I asked, frowning. He was starting to get on my nerves.

"No," he said shyly.

"Then why I still see you here?" I muttered irritably.

"Haechan..."

"Donghyuck is staying, you are leaving," cut coldly. I didn't care what he wanted from my boyfriend. I was in no mood to listen to questions and requests. They could wait. There was an awkward silence in the office. I could feel the brunet's scolding gaze on me but I successfully ignored it, focusing all my attention on Hunter. "Did I say something indistinctly? Tell you again?" I finally asked.

"No, I'm sorry," he got over that question finally. "Merry Christmas," said, glancing uncertainly at Hyuck as last resort. Donghyuck smiled apologetically at him.

"Merry..." he began softly but I cut in on him.

"Close the door behind you," I interrupted Lee before he could unnecessarily elaborate on it. Hunter just nodded, leaving the office without another word.

"I don't understand what he sees in you," Hyuck sighed heavily as walked over to me. He slipped the files held against chest into a box on the desk. "You're terrible," he added after a moment's thought. I just laughed and pulled boy closer. I grabbed Donghyuck by the cheeks and kissed hard.

"You had a hots for me too," I reminded him. "Don't be a hypocrite."

"You didn't act like that to me," said, doing something he really rarely did. Donghyuck hugged me slowly. Boy didn't do it very often due to the fact that I wasn't exactly hugging type of boyfriend. I didn't know how to behave, I was tense and always felt awkward, even though we had been together for so long. With all those thoughts in my head, I put arms around him now, remembering how he'd been teaching me hugging lessons and kissed him gently on the temple. It still felt a bit strange but it was getting better and more at ease.

"Because at the sight of you my legs always got weak and my dick stood at attention," I whispered half-jokingly, half-seriously. Brunet laughed.

"Good to know."

♥

**[donghyuck]**

Right after work, I ran quickly for a gift for Minhyung before the shops closed. I picked out the things I wanted to buy long time ago but couldn't find the time to actually buy them. I knew all guests were already at Lee's house, so when I finally reached our neighbors' door, I was panting heavily and feeling my cheeks clearly red from the cold.

It wasn't until I pushed the bell that I felt all that nervousness. The first time I was to enter this house being no longer Jeno's former high school friend but Minhyung's boyfriend. This new role made me very stressed. I was afraid it would be awkward. Mark didn't say anything about how his mom reacted to the news that we are together, so she didn't seem to have a fuss. I really wanted to be accepted by her in this way.

"Hey" I said when Minhyung opened the door for me. I was glad it was him and not his mother or Jeno.

"Hey," boy replied with a smile, glancing pity at my messy hair from taking off hat. "You look cute," he said, kissing my cold nose lightly. "Pretty sweet," laughed, pressing our lips together harder. I pulled Mark by belt as he was taking off my jacket.

"Even on Christmas you want to be a bad boy?" I muttered in his ear, hugging frozen body against Minhyung.

"Especially on Christmas" he joked, kissing my head and pulled the scarf off my neck.

"Aren't you afraid of the rod?" I asked with mock amazement. Minhyung looked at me with a devilish smile. I hit him lightly on the shoulder and we both laughed. "It wasn't supposed to sound so bad," I assured.

"Sure," he said sarcastically, slapping my butt. "As if I didn't know you," Minhyung muttered, standing behind me with hands on my shoulders, which he quickly took away as his mom came out of the kitchen with a bowl of some salad.

"Hi, Donghyuck" greeted warmly. "I'm glad you finally got to us," she smiled, what I returned.

"Good evening, I'm sorry to be so late," I apologized quickly but the woman just waved hand.

"Mark was nice? Did he welcome you well? " she asked, watching the two of us cautiously. I frowned.

"Hm?" I muttered, not quite sure what she was aiming for with the question.

"You don't know each other very well, so I was afraid he greeted you badly but since I can see the smile on your face, he probably didn't scare you," she explained, looking uncertainly at older son.

"Why?" I smiled weakly as fingers tightened on the strings of the gift bag. "Exemplary host," I added without conviction, wondering what kind of physical harm I would do to this bastard when we were alone. Minhyung's mom clearly found my words a great joke as she started laughing and walked towards the dining room down the hall.

"Hyuckie..." Minhyung began hesitantly but I didn't feel like listening to his stupid, hopeless excuses again. He promised so many times that he would tell her about us. He promised to speak to her so that this holiday wouldn't have to be awkward and as usual, I was disappointed at those promises. As always, they were worth shit.

"Just shut up," I sighed heavily, knocking his hand off my shoulder. I wanted to have this Christmas behind me already.

♥

**[minhyung's mother]**

Minhyung was weird today. Not that he was normal on a daily basis but I don't think I've ever seen such behavior like today. My son was clearly anxious and stressed out. He sighed every now and then, looking from side to side and was still tapping finger nervously on the juice glass. I wondered if it was because Jeno had come with a girl or because of the new faces at the table like our neighbors. After all, he usually sat quietly in these situations and just didn't speak or move as long as everyone was sitting at the table. I didn't know which of these behaviors was more embarrassing. Sora didn't seem to notice Minhyung's behavior at all. If Donghyuck saw it, he was also very successful in ignoring, although my son was sitting right next to him. Maybe they thought he was simply so ill-mannered since childhood. As a host, I was just embarrassed.

"Did you like everything?" I asked, looking at our guests who made this dinner less silent and hostile than usual.

"You're a very good cook," Sora showed slowly in sign language so that I could understand everything. I really wish we could communicate in a different way.

"It's a lifting a weight off my mind," I admitted smiling at Jeno eloquently. I wanted him to contribute somehow. We could at least pretend to our guests that we liked each other a little and shared any family feelings. The boy rolled eyes, clearly disappointed that Minhyung was sitting at the same table with him. Jeno's girlfriend probably didn't quite know how to act either. Fortunately, Donghyuck was successful in saving the atmosphere at the table. Despite his terrible childhood, he was such a cheerful person... I didn't know how he did it.

"This is the first time of such joyful and peaceful Christmas for us," he admitted with a smile. "Everything is so beautifully and warmly decorated" praised the decor, which I spent a lot of time on.

"The dishes aren't too traditional?" I made sure because we lived in the States after all. Not every immigrant still had his country in heart, as I do.

"They're perfect," Donghyuck stated and Sora only confirmed, placing a warm hand on my shoulder.

"I'm very happy with that," I breathed a sigh of relief. I looked at my sons, who both had their eyes fixed on plates and weren't even too eager to talk.

"Don't worry about them," Sora pointed out quickly, shaking head. "You did what you could, they are adults after all," she assured and I smiled hesitantly. I was grateful for her understanding.

"Maybe I'll clear the table sicne we all finished eating?" Donghyuck offered eagerly, getting up from chair.

"Jesus, in life, Donghyuck. You're our guests," I objected immediately. This kid was way too nice and lovely for the atmosphere my wonderfully botched sons put at dinner. The only thing missing from the repertoire was my husband, who decided to spend Christmas with his new family abroad this year.

"My mother and I are very grateful for the invitation. Let me clean up at least," he asked, smiling charmingly.

"I'll help him, don't make a scene," Minhyung cut into our conversation dispassionately. There was nothing shocking in the cold tone of his voice but for him the gesture itself was indeed surprising. "He wants to help, let him help. What's the problem? " asked irritably as always when there was any exchange between us.

"Minhyung" Donghyuck almost snarled at my son, giving him a furious glare. I was in shock.

"What?" he muttered under breath. It felt as if all the confidence and hostility that had been shown to me for years had fled from in the blink of an eye. He looked at Sora's son with almost gentleness and guilt. I couldn't understand it because I'd never seen Minhyung succumb to anyone so quickly and his anger being put on the back burner in a flash.

"You know what," Hyuck muttered the same way in response, receiving a heavy sigh as a gift and lowered eyesight. Suddenly it occurred to me that I had to simply misjudge the situation at the very beginning. Minhyung had apparently a brush with Donghyuck a long time before and they were certainly not strangers. I looked hesitantly at my friend who was watching Minhyung intently with her arms crossed. I started to wonder what exactly I don't know about my son yet? Was it possible that he turned out to be even more alien to me than he already was?

"I'll help him, okay?" he asked more calmly, without even glancing at me.

"Okay, honey," I agreed, succumbing to him anyway in sheer shock. "Thank you," I added and Mark just nodded as picked up the dirty dishes from me. Donghyuck collected the rest with a polite smile. As they were about to leave the dining room, Mark paused at the exit, waiting for Sora's son to come out first, then closed the door behind them.

"How's your college going, kids?" I asked Jeno, noting that Minhyung's disappearance had a relaxing effect on his girlfriend, who immediately started talking vividly about their university life. I smiled gently, nodding head every now and then to make it look like I was listening. The truth was, my thoughts were still with eldest son and what was happening in the kitchen now between him and my friend's son. And something was definitely happening. Suddenly I felt a light tap on thigh. I looked questioningly at Sora. She smiled hesitantly, nodding at the empty bowl on the table.

"Why don't you take it to them?" she asked in sign language, apparently noticing my need to inspect another room in the house immediately. I rolled eyes but got up quickly from the table. I thanked her silently for the smart excuse. Donghyuck had a very good relationship with her, so she probably knew a lot more about my son than I did.

"I'll give them a bowl," explained Jeno, who didn't understand at all what our neighbor was trying to tell me. He nodded, returning to the conversation with the girl whose name I kept forgetting, although it would have been appropriate to know it after that time.

"Say something finally for fuck's sake!" almost as soon as I left, I heard Minhyung's nervous voice as it carried along the corridor. I quickly closed the dining room door so that the rest of the guests wouldn't hear what was leaving his mouth. For me, everything he said should be censored.

"Did you just raise your voice at me?" Donghyuck asked him in disbelief and no less irritation. I stood still, not quite sure if I should turn back or intervene before Mark harmed Sora's son after he spoke to him that way. "How could you hide from her that we're together?" boy added reproachfully. My heart beat several times faster at these words and hand automatically went up to cover mouth. I was expecting every other secret but definitely not what came out of Donghyuck's mouth. "You know how I feel at this table now?"

"Frogive me, Hyuckie. I really couldn't make it," Minhyung said, much calmer, almost regretfully.

"How did you explain that Jeno's friend from high school is staying with you for the night? Theoretically a stranger to you? " he asked but silence answered him. "You didn't tell her that either?" he snorted in disbelief, though I don't know if he was really that surprised. I wasn't. Mark's silence never amazed me. "I'm running on empty with you, Minhyung. Do you guys even talk?"

"Not too much," he admitted openly. I, in turn, would correct this to say that we didn't talk at all. We only existed side by side all these years. We've lived in silence and mutual enmity since he was a child.

"And what now?" Donghyuck asked helplessly as clinked the washed dishes onto the draining board.

"Nothing, you will just come upstairs with me and maybe somehow she'll guess," Minhyung proposed a solution that he has been using for as long as I can remember. He was always silent and stupid and the people around him were supposed to magically figure out what he meant. Then he shouted that nobody understood him and smashed something. A pattern that has been going on for years. Everyone in the family made bets on the age at which he would be imprisoned by such behavior.

"If you're going to explain the important things in your life that way, I congratulate you heartily," Sora's son apparently followed the tactic of saying what he thought directly. My hands tightened on the bowl, anxiously waiting for Minhyung's reactions.

"What do I have to do to stop you being angry?" but he asked in a tone that was completely unexpected. Instead of anger, there was an overwhelming helplessness. "Hyuckie, I beg you..." he muttered after a moment when Donghyuck didn't answer him, washing the dishes in silence. Suddenly the water stopped flowing.

"Give me a pretty kiss on the forehead," I finally heard, unable to stop eyebrows from rising. If they were indeed a couple, it was normal behavior but I couldn't imagine my own son in this situation. "And on the nose," he added after a while, laughing, probably getting what he asked for. I leaned shoulder against the railing of the stairs. I knew that eavesdropping on their conversation wasn't morally good but I felt this was the only opportunity to learn anything about a completely different Minhyung than the one I knew.

"Can I kiss those rosy lips too" my son asked in an amused voice.

"Just for dessert," Donghyuck started laughing. Water flew from the tap again.

"Meanie."

"The mean one was you to your mom, Hyungie," he said and I froze. _Hyungie..._ that's how only my mother used to talk to him. He never let anyone else to name him this way and reacted agressively to any attempt to call him that. Especially after her death. "You have to apologize her," he said quite seriously and I couldn't help but smirk. He didn't know what he was asking for. Minhyung would sooner die than push it out of throat. Naive kid. "Hey, do you understand what I'm saying to you?" said after a moment when he got no answer.

"How am I supposed to do it if no one has ever been apologized for anything in this house?" he asked, hitting hand on the sink. The metal clinked ominously under the pressure.

"You'll come over and say: _I'm so sorry for my behavior, mom, I'm a terrible son_ ," Donghyuck recited, quite unfazed that his head might be next after the sink. Could he haven't get to know my son from the worst side yet, that he was so fearless? Or maybe they shared some dimension of madness together?

"Are you fucked up? It won't go through my throat." Minhyung almost spat the words out. I knew. A mother will always know her child best. It doesn't matter who would appear in his life and want to change it. He couldn't be changed. His brain was dysfunctional, beyond repair, broken from birth.

"You can talk so cutely to me," Donghyuck said suddenly, purring childishly. "Why can't you tell her that? She's also hurt as I am hurt when you act like a piece of a simpleton raised in the bush," he said brutally. Even if he meant well, I felt like I'd been hit in the face. Is that allegation that I raised my own child badly? 

He was like that. 

He was born that way. 

He has always hated everyone.

"Get off me," Minhyung sighed heavily. "Do you want to argue at Christmas?"

"I don't," Donghyuck admitted calmly. There was a moment of silence in the kitchen. I guess that was the end of their conversation. I took two careful steps when Sora's son suddenly spoke up again, stopping me in place. "Either you apologize to her or I'm coming home tonight, Minhyung. All this is already awkward enough for me," he gave an ultimatum.

"Hyuck, what the fuck..." Mark began in disbelief.

"It's not an argument, honey, just to be clear. It is the art of choice. Do you want to act like a jerk?" he asked, not expecting an answer. "No problem but keep hands to yourself then," he said sharply, setting fairly straightforward terms. The kitchen was silent again, broken only by the clinking of plates. I moved quickly so as not to enter in a moment that would be awkward.

"I brought you a bowl, boys," I said, walking into the room. Minhyung stood pissed off by the refrigerator and watched angrily as Donghyuck washed the dishes. He didn't even look at me when I walked in. As usual, I didn't exist for him.

"Thank you," Donghyuck smiled as he wiped hands on a kitchen cloth.

"Give it to me." Mark sighed heavily as he stepped between the boy and me. "I... stupidly behaved out there at the table, I didn't want to be like that in front of the guests," he said, taking the bowl from me.

"A bit stupid, indeed, but I don't think anyone has bothered much," I said calmly, watching him closely.

"I..." he began with great effort, looking sideways at the microwave. His jaw was clenched with anger. "Fuck, I'm sorry," he blurted out suddenly. "Sorry, okay?" he asked in an unfriendly way but it still felt like a speeding van had hit me.

"Minhyung..." I whispered, completely speechless. Suddenly I wished I had the bowl in my hands because I didn't know what to do with myself. Before that, I had at least something to stick to.

"That's what I wanted to tell you, I'm sorry, it went out shitty," he said stiffly, turning back to me. Mark popped the dirty bowl in the sink and leaned against the counter, bowing head over it. He obviously couldn't survive being forced to do something like an apology.

"Thank you, I appreciate it," I said, speechless. Donghyuck stood in the corner with arms crossed over chest, smiling to himself as stared down at the floor. "Keep working while I go back to the dining room."

"Okay," the brunet whispered, barely holding back a laugh. He turned to the sink, opening the tap to wash extra bowl. I left the kitchen slowly, stopping at the stairs for a moment to shake off the shock that accompanied me. I didn't want to confuse the guests with the expression as if I was about to pass out.

"Fuck, I'm sorry, mom. It went out shitty, mom," I heard Donghyuck mock Mark. "The captain of the baseball team is here, moderately intelligent chimpanzee, u-u-u," he made a monkey-like sound and Mark started laughing.

"Fuck you," he said and Hyuck suddenly squealed as the sound of water splashing across the floor reached my ears. "You should congratulate me, little bastard, instead of making fun of it," he remarked in a completely cheerful and non-irritated tone.

"Congratulations, you've hit another level in behaving like a cultured man," he ironized.

"You get ten extra in the art of blackmail," Minhyung noticed quite correctly, classifying clearly what he had succumbed to.

"I know, I'm a champion" Donghyuck, meanwhile, made no secret of what kind of play he used. "But it's for your own good," he explained calmly.

"Unfortunately, I know," Minhyung sighed heavily and while I still couldn't get over lot of things said in this conversation, I couldn't help but feel a gentle smile of relief that was pushing itself on my lips.

♥

**[donghyuck]**

"You know what I realized?" I asked Mark, playing with the hair on the back of his head.

"What?" he smiled as gently ran thumbs over my buttocks hidden under the water.

"We never took a bath together," I whispered, feeling slightly embarrassed by my remark but I swear I was just thinking about it. Minhyung laughed.

"So we made a common Christmas present for each other now," he joked, leaning the back of head against the tiles on the wall. We looked at each other for a while in a pleasant, quiet silence.

I still wanted to kill him for his mom still not knowing about us, even though he had promised to do so a million times. I felt absolutely as awkward and idiotic as I could at the table today. I felt even worse after dinner at the door, when asked by Mrs. Lee why I wasn't going with my mother, I had to incoherently say that I'm staying with Minhyung for the night. Of course, my guy was silent and most willingly he wouldn't participate in this conversation at all. After a minute of staring at each other in an awkward silence, Mrs. Lee just gasped out a shocked _gosh_ and turned back on us, disappearing into the living room. I said goodbye to my mother, who gave Mark one of the most disappointed glances that only a boyfriend's mother could send and wished us a good night.

"We have a few days to ourselves now, do you want to make some plans?" Minhyung asked unexpectedly, sliding hands over my back.

"Hmm... we can do something crazy," I said, pretending to think seriously. "Lying in bed, for example," I muttered, really secretly dreaming of sweet laziness with a boy by my side.

"Whole week?" Minhyung laughed charmingly, kissing my collarbone.

"Why not?" I was surprised. "The last time we had time like that in Norfolk," I reminded him, though I was aware it was a reminder of a time we both missed incredibly.

"Ages ago," he said nostalgically, running fingers over the scars on my shoulders.

"Exactly" I agreed with him, grabbing the boy by the forearms. I put our foreheads against each other, slowly pushing Minhyung's hands lower and lower along the lines of my body. The boy made eye contact with me very quickly and shook head in disbelief. I smiled under breath. "We can make cupcakes tomorrow," I whispered, kissing him along the neck. Hyung sighed heavily as I accidentally rubbed his crotch. I chuckled at the expression on his face clearly thirsty for my body. I loved seeing it and I loved provoking him. And he knew it perfectly well and loved being provoked. I gently slipped index finger into Minhyung's mouth. "With whatever filling you want," I added alluringly, joining our lips. Minhyung began to laugh.

"Fine," he said meekly, grabbing my buttocks hard. I grunted loudly as I felt first finger inside.

"I see that you're not wasting time, baby," I gasped in his ear, moaning loudly as the first finger was followed rapidly by the second.

"You started it yourself" got my attention, running nose along the line of my jaw.

"I know," I laughed shamelessly, kissing him hard. I moved hips slightly to feel any movement inside me. I was so excited that I wanted him to just fuck me. Nothing else.

"So what's next, master of provocation?" he asked slyly, looking deep into my eyes. We breathed deeply, exchanging hot and anxious glances. I grabbed Minhyung by the jaw.

"No two ways about it..." I whispered sensually, running tongue over his lower lip. "You must take me hard now," I murmured, losing breath more and more. I felt dizzy with this sick desire.

"God, how bad I don't want to..." he joked, licking my neck. "But if I have to..." he muttered low, receiving groan in return as he put another finger inside me.

"Sorry, honey," I gasped, fingers tightening on Mark's hair. "I didn't think you hate it... that muuuuch!" I squeaked, getting up on knees as Minhyung entered at once without any warning.

"Okay, you little smartass, acting game is over," he said firmly, aggressively pulling me by the nape. I smirked as our lips met, telling earnestly how much they missed each other. I slumped down the entire length of Mark, heartily tired of waiting. "Ride me with that neat ass," he gasped between wet kisses.

"And so you know I'm going to ride you," I laughed happily and bit down hard on his lower lip, starting to move hips the way he liked best.


	51. Skeleton in the closet

**[december 2020]**

**[minhyung]**

I stared up at the ceiling at the unevenly distributed shadow that was torn in places by the beige light of the lamps Donghyuck had given me as a gift. They were supposed to ward off bad dreams when boy wasn't by my side at night but I didn't think they had the same power as his body heat.

We were lying on our backs in boxer shorts, allowing the warmth to escape slowly from our skin after the bath. Hyuck's head pressed pleasantly against my forearm, though it was the only place our bodies met. Still, it was nice.

"Are we doing this?" I asked uncertainly after a very long silence. We crossed the line between one day and the next over an hour ago. And he was still silent.

"What, honey?" he looked at me confused, torn from his private world of doubts and difficult matters without a proper solution.

"It's past midnight," I explained. "So... after Christmas?" I muttered, rolling on side so that I could see him but so the boy himself wouldn't have to move.

"And what about that?" he raised eyebrows, clearly surprised at my words.

"We were supposed to talk seriously," I whispered, deciding to be honest. I didn't want to take advantage of the fact that he might have forgotten something he had decided long time ago himself. However unreal it sounded.

"I know..." he sighed heavily, closing eyes. "If you don't want to, we don't have to," added after a moment.

"I thought you cared about it a lot," I muttered hesitantly, remembering that it was even his ultimatum to be able to be in any relationship after the new year.

"Because I did, but..." he broke off, staring at the ceiling again. "I've come to the conclusion that forcing you to do anything makes no sense and can only unnecessarily hurt both of us," brunet glanced at me with an uncertain smile. The boy's eyes sparkled in the half-light with a strange uncertainty. "We've been doing really well lately. I don't want to lose you, so I just let it go..." whispered, turning to side as well so he could cuddle up to me. " _And like you said "sometimes you just shouldn't know, shouldn't ask"..._ " he hummed softly, some song I didn't know. "Let's just go to sleep, Hyungie," he asked, sliding the covers neatly over us.

I sighed heavily, helping him pull it against our bodies. I didn't know if this request was an appropriate solution. On the one hand, it was a very convenient move but on the other, it explained absolutely nothing between us. I didn't want to be in a situation like the last time where I would hear that he has the right to ignore my questions as much as I used to ignore his. That's not how it should work. When I asked him something, I wanted an answer. I got a taste of frustration that boy had been experiencing permanently from the very beginning of our relationship. We couldn't start the new year like this and now it was completely my decision.

"When they recognized my alexithymia and transferred me from juvenile detention to a therapy center, I had to attend group and individual meetings," started calmly, Hyuck's fingers tightening on my shirt. I closed them in hand. "The woman asked me about family relations. I didn't understand her, so she explained to me what a relationship between two people was and then started asking questions about feelings for each family member. This was the moment when it turned out that I had nothing to say. That it just isn't there," explained calmly. I was surprised to find that talking about it didn't stir up any unpleasant feelings in me. These were just facts. "Ever since Jeno showed up, all love poured out on him. Love and attention actually too. That's why when my grandmother died, I was left completely alone".

"You were 4 years old when Jeno showed up," he remarked, as if I wasn't aware of those years.

"I was," nodded unanimously. "But since I can remember... I was just alone," I honestly admitted, recalling the old times. "When did... you know, my head problems..." I sighed heavily, rubbing eyes with free hand. It was hard for me to talk about it. "Did I tell you I was diagnosed only after I got to a reformatory?"

"You didn't," Hyuck whispered. "But I've read about it. You have it in file," admitted honestly. I didn't hold it against him. Eventually, we both got our hands on basic information about each other before we started working together.

"I was diagnosed so late because nobody had taken me to see a specialist before," explained to him where I was going. "These memories aren't clear but I think I might have felt something at one time. Perhaps it's an illusion, I don't know. I guess if I felt anything, I wouldn't lose it, but..." muttered, looking at the ceiling. I was starting to run away from the main plot. "Jeno has become a show son. He was going with parents to all family events, to friends, to work with my mother... I was looked after by my grandmother, or I was left alone at home... Sometimes they forgot about me, sometimes they forced me to stay in the room when guests came. All this just to keep from admitting to have broken son." I smiled crookedly under breath as slowly combed Hyuck's hair that had spilled partially over my chest. "Over time, people stopped asking about me, they forgot that there were siblings at Lee's house. Jeno was left on everyone's lips. What can I say, you've known each other for so many years and you didn't know he had a brother, when you met me," I laughed, thinking back to that strange day. Who would have thought that time had passed so quickly?

"I'm sorry, Hyungie," boy muttered, hugging me more tihgtly. "I don't know what to say," admitted frankly.

"You don't need to say anything," I assured calmly. "All in all... It already happened" I whispered, probably wanting to convince myself that it was true. That these memories are no longer as important as they used to be.

"You're this way because of them?" he asked hesitantly, as if afraid it would offend me. "So cold?" brunet specified by slipping hand gently under my t-shirt.

"I don't know, maybe," I confessed letting myself sneak into words of ignorance. It was hard for me to judge anything here. Parents fucked up an incredible number of essential things in my upbringing and then thrown away like a rag doll when the baby shaping process failed and they made themselves new one to start all over again. But I didn't have the courage to say it out loud. I knew Hyuck had a good opinion of my mom. I didn't want to destroy this image for him. "I think there are many factors that contributed to it but it's probably one of them," I whispered, remembering that I didn't have friends at school either, the teachers didn't like me because I refused to speak even under threat of note in student record and my peers considered me a freak. I have experienced rejection after rejection. Eventually, I stopped expecting acceptance in every coming phase of my life. "You still think I'm cold?" I wondered aloud. I've been trying to change for a long time but never asked Hyuck if he really saw the difference. I was a little embarrassed and a little afraid that nothing had improved since our argument.

"Not for me," boy admitted but made it clear that in my relations with others I still lacked a lot. But it wasn't that important. The rest of the world didn't matter to me yet.

"That's good," breathed a sigh of relief. "I don't want to be like that for you," admitted, kissing his forehead. Hyuck smiled sweetly, wrinkling nose as he felt my lips against skin. Donghyuck was just such a sweet cuddler.

"Can you tell me something about this center you've been to?" asked with obvious hesitation, as if afraid he was crossing the line. However, we agreed on it. We made an arrangements with each other for this talk. I was ready for all questions.

"Yeah..." I agreed. "I can".

"I bought you a painting kit as a gift because you mentioned that you used to draw but stopped..." he began shyly. "I'm just wondering if this is related to this resort and I haven't made a blunder. You seemed pleased but I'm never sure with you... " Hyuck muttered and I started laughing at the tone in which he said it.

"I'm pleased, my little sunshine, I'm really pleased," smiled, kissing him hard on the top of head. "With this drawing..." I thought, not knowing which side to start from. "I drew a lot at the center. I was doing it for myself but also showing it to the therapist," I finally started, wondering how to choke something out of my throat that absolutely nobody knew. Maybe that was the problem with my recurring nightmares. It was about the man I made a secret of. "I met a boy there. His name was Luke and we shared a room together," I finally said all at once, shivering involuntarily when saying that name, what didn't escape Hyuck's attention.

"Did you feel good beside him?" he asked gently, moving slowly hand from my stomach to back. There was no resentment or jealousy in Hyuck's voice. There was concern, as if with this question he wanted to make sure that the guy whose place he took by my side was looking after me properly.

"I don't know..." admitted honestly. In retrospect, this relation seemed distant and unreal - almost imaginary. "The thing is, Luke was really mentally ill. His head was fucked up throughly, although he didn't act like that on a daily basis. It came out in small gestures or words. Surely Luke was terribly good at manipulating people with personal charm and more," I confessed, coming to the conclusion that I must have fallen into this trap myself. I just shut it out. "But I rather felt good about this relationship..." I trailed off as Hyuck suddenly sat up, putting finger to my lips.

"You hear that?" asked after a moment, smiling sheepishly. Brunet put hand over mouth as I sat down beside him with a lost expression on face. After a while, however, I heard soft moans from behind the wall that seemed to get louder and louder. "On godly day, such things," Donghyuck shook head in mock disapproval.

"And two hours ago it was your twin brother who told me to fuck him in the bathtub," I laughed, kissing boy's smiling lips.

"Donghyun was here?" he muttered, placing hand on my chest. "You didn't even mention a word," he joked, as usual amusing me. I rolled eyes as boy slipped into my lap. I ran fingers over Hyuck's thighs, placing hands on his hips. "Go on, what about Luke and the drawing," he whispered, resting temple on my shoulder.

"Hmm..." I sighed, searching for a thread between the memories and my brother having sex behind the wall. "He forbade me to draw. Luke said that doctors use it against me for their own research and experiments, that it is good material to find a dirt on me and keep in the center because it wouldn't pay off for anyone to heal me..." I admitted with shame.

"Why did you believe him?" Donghyuck asked in surprise. It sounded unbelievable to me now as well and I'd have laughed at anyone who would push this stuff on me but it was different then.

"I don't think I wanted to go home," I confessed. "I preferred to live with him in this center than to come back here - to a place where no one wanted me anyway and everyone sincerely hated... That's why I was comfortable living in the falsehood that he fed me."

"Mmm... there was something in the file..." he muttered uncertainly. "Something that you could have left earlier..."

"He killed himself," I helped Hyuck in trying to ask me why my treatment took so much longer. "He hanged himself by a sheet on a window grille," I explained succinctly, not going into detail. I wanted to get over with it. This part of the story has always been unpleasant and in retrospect - worth forgetting. "There was a thought in me that death would take from me anyone who would start to mean anything to me... Therefore, before leaving the center, I promised myself that I would end with giving other people any value in my life. That it only hurts and their hearts stop beating because they've become attached to such a bad person as I am..." I sighed heavily, taking on all the Hyuck's weight that his warm body was offering me.

"I am immortal," boy whispered after a moment of silence. "You can give me any value you want," assured and I smiled under breath as combed his hair behind ear. He was sweet. The games behind the wall quickly died down. Apparently, sexual potential passes from father to son in the first cummed gene pool. I wouldn't let Hyuck fall silent so quickly. "Hyungie..."

"Hm?"

"I don't want to offend you but from what you say he..."

"He made me lose my marbles even more just to keep me at the center?" I cut off as subtly as I could. Hyuck nodded shyly. "I know it. It seems to me that I also subconsciously knew it then but didn't want to admit, even to myself".

"You know why he killed himself?"

"They were going to move him," I explained. "They were supposed to separate us, so... Never change an old tree, they say," I shrugged.

"What got into their heads, to move patient so suddenly?" Hyuck was surprised and I felt irritation in his voice.

"The group therapist noticed that something was happening between us," I sighed, not quite sure whether I should be grateful to her or hold it against her. "She reported it to main psychiatrist and he must have come to the same conclusions as you now and..." I stopped suddenly, swallowing. Once again, before my eyes, I saw a lifeless, flaccid body hanging on the sheets. "They told him that, you know? That because of him I can't go out and live a normal life because he keeps me like an animal in a cage and destroys me ".

"How therapeutically..." Donghyuck huffed in disbelief, shaking head from side to side in a gesture of disappointment.

"He killed himself to break the toxic bond he created. He killed himself... "

"So you could live..." finished quietly for me. "Terrible," said with a shudder. Hyuck nodded towards the pillow, telling me to lie down. As I did it, he flattened himself over my torso, wrapping a blanket around us. We reclined for a while in silence. "What's it like when parents get divorced?" he finally asked, running index finger across my cheek. "What kind of feeling is it? How does this happen?"

"Hmm..." I took a deep breath, looking for those times in head. I didn't think about it often, so didn't have that knowledge at hand. "First the arguments begin. Arguments about literally everything. That someone had put a dirty mug in the sink instead of washing it, that there was too much pepper in the stew and that the briefcase was in the hallway two seconds longer than it should have been" I laughed under breath. They were really amazing. Two tragically mismatched people. "Then the silence at the table appeared and spread out to the silence all over the house, everyone closed in their rooms... and then after few months of hating each other they tell you that they're getting divorced. Years later, you find out that your father had a mistress but you come to the conclusion that you actually hated him anyway, so it makes no difference to you," I muttered, shrugging. I didn't have any special feelings about the divorce period. It was better that way. The time before the decision to break up was the worst. "You start to lead separate lives, everything starts to spin somehow..."

"Was it hard for you?" Donghyuck asked with concern, kissing me gently on the chin.

"I don't know..." replied truthfully. I didn't feel much then. Nor was anyone interested in what I felt. I was completely indifferent to what these people did with their lives. They were almost like strangers to me. "I don't remember, it's possible," admitted finally. "Can I ask you something?" I decided to change the subject from me to Hyuck. There was something that has been bothering me since we started being together.

"You can" let me but I sensed that he was reluctant to do so. For someone so outwardly outgoing and outspoken, Donghyuck surprisingly disliked to talk about himself.

"What's with the rain?" I asked, not being able to decipher the mystery of Donghyuck's enormous reluctance to any precipitation. "Why are you like that then? Why don't you like snow?" I wondered. 

Whenever I thought about it, my mind went blank. The boy's body reaction couldn't be rationally explained. I thought that when I got to know him better, this question would clear up. Now, however, we were at a fairly advanced stage in the relationship and I still knew almost nothing about him. We were both so focused on moving any emotions within me that I completely lost sight of my boyfriend in this proccess. 

And he was important too. 

He was incredibly important in this relationship.

Even essential.

I should never forget about it.

"Home," Hyuck whispered finally after a long time of staring blankly at my collarbones. He slowly took my hand from his buttock and turned it upside down. I felt him draw a small square on my skin, then a triangle above it. He looked at this non-existent drawing for a moment, then smiled sadly and kissed gently the spot where his finger had just drawn the skeleton of the building. "Do you feel safe here, Minhyung? In your house?" asked, instead of answering the question.

"Hmm... yes," I admitted honestly. Maybe these walls never had love but the sense of security was always with me.

"There hasn't been a day in my life where I felt safe in mine," brunet said calmly, although the matter he spoke about was upsetting and painful. "I was always in danger, there was always tension and anticipation in the air," explained shortly after, looking at me hesitantly. His eyes were sad.

"Are you talking about your father?" I made sure.

"Mhm," he nodded. "Basically, when the weather was nice, he would be away from home. Friends, parties, cheap brothels, gambling and debts" listed all the joys of life that Mr. Lee enjoyed in his spare time. "The real problems started when it was getting gray outside the windows," he whispered, giving me a slow, comforting kiss. Donghyuck snuggled tightly against me, hiding face in my neck and I only hid him tighter in arms. The memory of Donghyuck's father made me furious. "The house became a trap. Nobody could get out of it," muttered after a while, deciding to finish the topic, although I had a good idea of the rest. "Let's just say I was always on hand back then. Always just as guilty for rain..." he sighed, sniffling. "You know..." Hyuck's fingers gripped the edge of my t-shirt tightly. "Sometimes he would throw me outside without clothes... made me stand outside in a storm and low temperature..." continued, though he didn't have to. I closed eyes, feeling the boy's tears run down face onto my neck. I grabbed Donghyuck gently by clenched fist and began to stroke soothingly with thumb his skin probably as delicate as his heart. "All the neighbors were looking out the windows and no one reported it... But they were the first to greet in the morning with a smile on those hypocritical faces that are glad that misfortune is happening to someone other than them," whispered, laughing grimly under breath.

"Do you feel safe with me?" I asked, my lips against his forehead. A crying Hyuck was incredibly rare thing. Only once before I saw him with tears in eyes and was hoping it was the last time.

"The safest in the world," boy assured with disarming, even desperate, honesty.

"I'm very happy about that," whispered. "I wouldn't let anyone hurt you," assured him, concluding that I would even get the devil himself in the deepest circle of hell just to keep Hyuck safe. The paradox was that he usually rode with me as a security guard.

"I know," he muttered, kissing me softly on the neck. "And that's why I love you so much," he said unexpectedly making me hold breath for a moment. I bit lip.

_Fuck it. Now or never._

"I..." I started, pausing immediately when heard the clank of the door to the room open. My mother stood on the threshold. I swore silently, cursing her with all my might. Woman looked at Donghyuck for a moment, expression unreadable. She scanned boy's silhouette as if to memorize the positions he'd spread out into my body, then sighed heavily and looked at me expectantly, as if demanding clarification and answers to questions she never asked. "We weren't the one fucking full-on whole house, if you came to check it out," I said irritably, noting that Hyuck was very successful in using the fake sleep technique.

"I wanted to have a peek to see if you're asleep but thanks for clarifying this noise as well," rolled eyes. She never checked if I was sleeping, how I was sleeping, or if I was in the room at all, so she could dispense herself with that stupid lie. "Good night, son," said goodbye, leaving with distaste painted on face.

"Mhm," I said goodbye to her this way. I stared at the ceiling. And I could have already been over it with confession... Was the heavens just giving me a sign that there would be an even better time for that?

"You don't know how to talk to her at all, do you?" Hyuck whispered sleepily, apparently getting really tired after our conversation.

"I can't, it's true..." agreed with him. Explaining anything to her was beyond my communication skills. I immediately felt irritated and there was nothing I could do about it. "Donghyuck..."

"Okay, I'll get it done in the morning," he sighed heavily, though didn't like it either. But someone had to officially announce to her that we were together and I was completely unable to do so.

"Thank you," I breathed a sigh of relief. I didn't even realize it put such a burden on my heart until Hyuck took it off.

"Although your technique _may she guess herself someday_ , is also brilliant," he ironized still half-consciously.

"Get lost," I laughed. "The malicious bastard."

"A malicious bastard who loves you very much and wants the best," he pointed out to me.

"I know, baby," I whispered. "I really know that."

♥

**[donghyuck]**

Before I left the room, leaving Minhyung sleeping behind me, I put ear to the door to make sure no one was hanging around the house yet. Although I bravely promised Mark that I would talk to his mother about our relationship, I wasn't ready for it. The area seemed reasonably clean, so I opened the door carefully and started walking down tiny step by tiny step. The plan was simple - quickly jump into the kitchen, pour a glass of tap water and run under the covers to Minhyung. However, it got complicated very quickly when, being halfway up the stairs, I heard the sound of a mug being put on the table top.

Fucking destiny. 

For Minhyung, however, fate was always in favor in such matters.

I took a deep breath and walked to the end of the stairs. On the spot, I came up with an action plan and a series of potential dialogues that could arise between us. In the end, I made the decision to put all the blame on Minhyung and not even feel bad about it. This is his mom and it was his fucking duty to let her know he has a boyfriend. This is what the process looks like in normal relationships. As we were in a fucked up relationship from the very beginning, in this case the boyfriend informs his lover's mother that he is seeing her son right after they spend Christmas together.

"Good morning" I greeted shyly, automatically leaning forward slightly. It was so awkward that I was ready to even bow in such way that my forehead would hit knees to the other side of leg just to end this embarrassing conversation as soon as possible.

"Hi Donghyuck. Did you sleep well?" she asked as if neutrally but an alert listener on the spot would be able to say that the tone was far from neutral.

"Very well," I admitted with a polite smile and started looking for a free glass among the drying dishes. I filled it slowly with water, feeling the silence of expectation killing me. _This is the kind of guy you chose, this is the kind of guy that you have to deal with now_ , as my mother once said when I complained to her about Minhyung and his lack of romance and the basic affectionate reflexes I needed. "Sorry, it all came out in a stupid way," I said bluntly, turning to Ms. Lee. I couldn't do otherwise in this situation. Everything was already clear. In fact, all that's left is an apology for how our relationship was exposed. "Not as it should be," I added, ignoring her suspicious and slightly offended gaze. I felt a bit like an intruder or an uninvited guest and I didn't know if that was her intention or it just happened and the expression was not the same as the message.

"It happens, I suppose," she shrugged, searching for the remnants of good mood at the bottom of mug. "Anything is possible when my son is involved," sighed heavily, rubbing eyes. She looked as if she hadn't slept all night, tormented by nightmares or gloomy thoughts.

"My only defense is that he promised to talk to you before Christmas," I said, moving on to the main point of my defense - dropping everything on Minhyung. "To avoid this situation we're in now," I added hesitantly after a moment when woman didn't react to my words.

"I'm not shocked he didn't do it," smirked as looked at me without the much resentment she clearly had when I appeared in the kitchen. "Minhyung doesn't talk to me," shrugged, looking out the window. "But I guess you already noticed at dinner yesterday," she said sadly. "We are only family on paper," added bitterly, taking a sip of something from mug. There was silence in the kitchen. I couldn't relate to it. Because what was I supposed to say? _You really do have a shitty relationship in this house?_ I wasn't a good person to judge other people's families when mine once left a lot to be desired. "But he's different for you, isn't he?" Mrs. Lee asked suddenly in a whisper, still looking out the window at the forest that loomed in the distance behind our estate.

"It depends," I honestly admitted, not going too deep into the tops and bottoms of our relationship. Minhyung was too complicated person to put him in a simple sentence. "He has better and worse days."

"But you're still with him for some strange reason," she wiggled eyebrows as studied me closely. She was a strange woman in such a casual conversation. Superficially, she seemed natural and lovable, but as the subject shifted to her older son, the expression became unpleasant, if not hostile. I could sense the mockery and doubt in voice, as if I knew little about Minhyung and she knew him inside out, like a favorite romance. Meanwhile, the situation was quite the opposite.

"This strange reason is called love, I assume," I replied, unable to resist a slight harshness. Perhaps she envied me what my relationship with her son was like. After all, from what Mark was saying, she had never made an effort to create such a relationship with him. She had no right now to judge ours or in any way doubt its existence.

"Has he told you that he loves you?" she asked as if the confession was the basis for saying that we are in a worthwhile relationship. I thought Mrs. Lee knew the answer perfectly well but wanted to ask the question anyway to prove something to herself.

"Not yet," I admitted, feeling I was starting to blush. The situation was highly awkward. More than just an explanation for our relationship, it became some kind of strange attack on me, like I was imagining too much and having been with Minhyung for a week without knowing shit about him. I felt like a kid who had just been hit on the cheek by a friend's mom for making her son gay.

"Sorry to even ask you about such things so directly," she suddenly said, crossing arms over chest. She bit lip thoughtfully, as if trying to get out of the situation herself. "Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against you and Minhyung as... a couple?" raised eyebrows, expressing doubt as if beyond her comprehension there was a situation in which her eldest son was pairing up with someone. "I know absolutely nothing about your relationship... your personal contact... Sorry, I'm just shocked. I don't know what to say." She shrugged, shaking head. It was new for both of us. An additional discomfort was the absence of the person we were talking about and who it all started with.

"Relationship" I made it easier for her by trying to make it clear that I had absolutely nothing against those questions. I knew that she would rather not find it out from son. I had absolutely no problems with curiosity. I preferred questions to a contemptuous wave of silence and indifference. "We're in a relationship," I repeated, finally putting it in full sentence. "So officially since May this year, although there were a lot of things between us at the turn of June and July last year and we like to think that we've been together since then, although it is an incredibly far-fetched resolution and actually completely untrue but it's probably better way for Minhyung to deal with certain issues that were sad for both of us then." The boy's mom nodded, letting me say more. I was so sorry that she knew so little about Mark. On the other hand, I was aware that a lot of things I didn't know about their family relationship yet. "Hyungie... sorry," I said as my voice broke on his name for some strange reasons and a sudden wave of emotion that hit me quite unexpectedly. "Hyungie is a fantastic person," I finally said. "He has a very good and warm heart," I whispered, feeling that no one had ever told her such things about her son. No doctor, no judge or guardian in the centers, no family member, neighbor or friend. Perhaps she doubted it herself and to say that her son had a heart at all is a highly abstract statement. "I don't deny the existence of his disease because it exists and I felt it very clearly when we met and when we were together, there were such moments that you wanted to throw everything and leave but... I couldn't" I said, wanting to let her know that the dark side of Hyung is no secret to me and I know exactly what it looks like. Mrs. Lee, however, was silent as if she had run out of malicious remarks and was unable to speak to me in a language other than ironic and making me realize how little I know about the adventures of this family. "I love your son very much, I really do and feel stupid that you find out about us somewhere in the kitchen after Christmas and from me, not from this asshole but..."

"All right," she broke off unexpectedly, sighing heavily. "He conveyed it to me in his own inept way. At least I think so," she laughed and I returned that awkward amusement. "That's how it is, right? You have to guess a lot." She looked at me to make sure that this feeling is not foreign to both of us and that we somehow share it, that it connects us.

"Yes," I confirmed. I needed this thread of understanding to build our contact. Without it, another tense relationship would have arisen and I don't know if this house could bear it.

"Listen..." she began hesitantly, nibbling at the skin around thumbnail. "What about your mom?" she asked.

"About my mom?" I was surprised at this sudden change of subject.

"Does she know that... you know," she muttered, looking away.

"That I'm gay or that I'm dating Minhyung?" I phrased her question straightforwardly, amused. The woman looked at me apologetically. "It's okay," I shrugged. Her question resulted from ignorance and we can only get rid of ignorance by looking for answers to the questions that haunt us.

♥

**[minhyung]**

When you start living with someone, things like waking up to feel cold in bed become completely normal. When I felt the cool sheets it was 9 am and no sign of Donghyuck in the room. Snow was still falling outside the window. I couldn't look at all of this anymore without a shudder of horror that anyone could throw a naked child outside in such weather.

I wanted to hug Hyuck tightly now.

I left the room, immediately hearing my mother's muffled voice from the kitchen. I wanted to turn back but realized that the woman was most likely the reason why my boyfriend didn't return to bed. As much as I wanted this to be dealt with for me, so much did I not like their one-on-one chats.

"Before Minhyung, I already had a boyfriend, so my orientation was never a secret," Donghyuck said calmly as I leaned back against the wall at the kitchen entrance. "She also knows that I am dating your son, so please feel free to talk to her about everything, really," he said warmly. So there was no exchange of bad or embarrassing facts between them.

"Is it so obvious that I'm lost?" my mother asked in a tired voice of the martyr hanged for the sins of her son. I hated that tone.

"I think it's quite understandable with such emotional concrete as your son is," Hyuck replied with a laugh and my eyebrows shot up. "Will you stand there for a long time and eavesdrop or will you explain to your mother the secrets of our relationship?" he said calmly, as if continued speaking previous sentence, which made the chills that passed me even stronger. I hated his omniscience and keen senses.

"Caught" muttered as I walked into the kitchen from around the corner. "Sorry," added, standing uncertainly by the refrigerator, keeping a safe distance between the two of them, who also had that distance.

"Not to me," he shook head, crossing hands over chest. I rolled eyes.

"Sorry," I said to mother and I had to admit that apologizing to her was much more difficult than apologizing to Donghyuck.

"Thank you, son," she said with a superior smile, as if the fact that I apologized for the second time in my life meant that I had a duty to keep saying it and she should hear it all the time. That pissed me off. I wasn't doing this for her fucking wellbeing.

"Do I have to add something?" asked the brunet with obvious pain in eyes. Hyuck looked at me warmly, almost compassionately. "Prefer not to, but I can... if you like," I whispered, being completely serious. I was grateful that he didn't kill me for not standing here before, so I could make at least a minimum of effort.

"How did you meet?" my mother asked instead, interfering with our intimate exchange of glances. As always, uninvited. As always, she believes that this knowledge is due to her, as well as the respect for just giving birth to me.

"Well in this kitchen, isn't it?" I asked, not even trying to be friendly.

"Out of this kitchen" she rolled eyes, crossing legs. "Somewhere, you must have shown Hyuck that you're not a complete asshole" she smiled to me, looking defiantly at me as if was trying to provoke me into inappropriate behavior. As if wanted to prove Donghyck that I am not worthy of his, this relationship and love. And all this by testing the limits of my endurance.

"Do you want to talk or insult me?" I asked coldly. I was no longer the one who reacted aggressively to everything. My life hasn't been this way for a long time. "I can go out if I disturb you so much."

"At the beach concert last year," Hyuck responded quickly for me, seeing that this exchange was not getting any good. As usual, he was saving the situation, although there was nothing to save here.

"In June," I sighed heavily as slowly combed hair to calm myself down a bit.

"And what were you doing there?" she continued the interrogation, probably barely refraining from taking the lamp out and shining it in my eyes.

"We talked," I said firmly, though I was eager to see her face when I would say we fucked all night in the open air.

"Should I believe you just came up to him?" she raised eyebrows up. I huffed under breath in disbelief. I shook head, realizing it didn't make sense. I gave her a chance by showing up here. As usual, she didn't use it.

"He really came up first," Hyuck said suddenly, grabbing my hand as I tried to leave the kitchen. I looked at him with a pained expression. "He was quite cute," boy added with a smile that made me feel at least aldente. I was just softening in seconds, although a moment before I might have wanted to smash someone's head. "And direct" collapsed into giggles and I just laughed, not believing that right now he was going to pull it out.

"My son is able to smile on a mimic level, what I can see..."

"Should I stop?" I asked, clenching fingers on the brunet's hand.

"I'm begging you Hyungie..." Hyuck muttered under breath, completely not understanding what was actually going on between me and my mom. I don't know if I understood it myself or wanted to understand it after all these years.

"As you can see, I am also a pussy whip. I have to do whatever Donghyuck tells me to do or he'll get offended," I stated, sighing heavily.

"Don't present me in that light," the boy suddenly became indignant. "Are you crazy?" he asked in a whisper and I bit lower lip to try to keep all the hilarity to myself.

"About you," I laughed though, sending him a kiss in the air. Hyuck smiled under breath, slightly huffing. There was a strange silence for a long moment in the kitchen. If it weren't for the radio, which was humming in the background, I would have to leave this place immediately. My mother looked at me like a fucking UFO, so I didn't take the risk of talking to her. "What are you thinking so much?" I asked Hyuck hesitantly after a long time as I was starting to feel awkward.

"Nothing," he shrugged. "Nice song, romantic in a sad way," smirked to himself as glanced at me.

"Should I do something with this information?" I asked hesitantly. Hyuck started laughing.

"No," he shook head. "Alternatively, you can hug me and we can swing if you're not ashamed of your mom" boy bit lower lip, looking at me uncertainly.

"Why should I be ashamed of her?" I was indignant, even though he was 100% right. I was ashamed because my whole life I hadn't shown her as many feelings as I was able to convey to Hyuck with a few simple gestures. I didn't know if such things were passed over in silence or if tried to be fixed.

"Because you couldn't stand any further from me when you came here," he muttered, wrapping arms around my waist.

"Get off my back, okay?" I kissed his forehead, hugging tightly. "I hate you so much, I swear" I started to laugh as he confidently cuddled up to me.

"Thaaaat's not truuuuueeee" Hyuck softened the sounds to be more childish. I combed the boy's hair gently, smiling slightly.

"Not true," I confirmed, sighing heavily as my gaze met my mother's.


	52. Gingerbread man

**[december 2020]**

**[minhyung]**

After an after-dinner nap, I was greeted by the muffled rays of the setting sun. I stretched, loosening my sleep-frozen muscles. Donghyuck was on his side of bed with back to me and sniffling gently. I knitted eyebrows as leaned closer to him under the blanket. He was watching a movie on phone. A guy in a white t-shirt and jeans was running behind a black car with a crying girl in it. I smiled under breath and put arm around Hyuck. I pulled him tightly against me, shifting one earphone from his ear to mine. When I rested lips on the brunet's shoulder, the moving car stopped and the crying girl got out of it. Hyuck grabbed my hands clasped over his stomach with free hand.

"Look, speed limit to 30 and he ran almost 100," I muttered mockingly.

"Shut up," Hyuck whispered under breath, thrusting hand blindly in my face for a mouth to gag it. I grabbed his fingers and moved them to the place they were looking for before he would poke my eyes out.

"I love you, Misu," the boy gasped, hugging a girl who didn't look so happy anymore. I began to wonder if my confession should also be so dramatic? Should I run around the estate twice and fall all sweaty at Hyuck's feet in imminent cardial infarction?

"Please don't run," the girl said with tears in eyes and Donghyuck sniffed again, wiping wet cheek with the back of hand. "Something can happen to you," she added after a moment, turning and walking away.

"Why are they crying after such silly dialogue?" I asked in amazement. Nothing had actually happened here to justify such bleating. I didn't understand.

"Shh, that's almost the end," Hyuck muttered under breath, putting my hand to his mouth. This movie definitely made him more emotional than it should.

The next minutes of the film passed rather quietly. Not much happened. The main character was walking around the city and looked as if she was about to cry. The Coldplay's song started playing in the background, the action moved to the radio that this love confession chick was listening to, so of course she started to cry because tears were probably the leitmotif of the plot in general. The girl left work and started to run, which is probably also quite popular with the director. And while that didn't bother me, when she finally ran into the studio and saw the boy she had banned from running, Hyuck was a crying mess. I rolled eyes, tossing the earphone aside.

"And what are you crying about when in the end they are still together?" yawned as I stretched sluggishly. Suddenly I felt a punch hit my stomach. Instinctively, I bent over and laughed at the boy's annoyed expression.

"If you weren't such a lazy asshole and watched with me from the beginning instead of sleeping, you would know how much they've gone through before to finally be able to be together," he said, hitting me for good measure with his open hand on the shoulder.

"I was insensitive?" asked with a smile as I ran hand through his hair. Hyuck stared at me for a moment and shook head from side to side with tears in eyes. "Honey, what are you..." I muttered, seeing his chin shake.

"I love you so much, Minhyung," he suddenly said, hugging my neck violently. I froze for a moment in a strange pose with arms spread to the side before the first shock passed and I managed to embrace the brunet with them. "You are the best boyfriend in the world," he added after a moment, bringing a smile to my lips. He was talking nonsense. I wasn't even a tenth of what he deserved.

"It's just a movie, baby," I assured, rubbing his back with open palm.

"And what?" he grunted indignantly as if I didn't understand anything. That was the truth. I really didn't understand how a single movie could trigger such a strong emotional response in him, since in real life he didn't even cry when he was dying of pain.

"Nothing," I whispered finally, stroking his head. "You're the best boyfriend in the world too," I said quietly and this time I knew I wasn't worth even a tenth of what he was giving me.

♥

**[donghyuck]**

"How do you make ramen residue?" I asked Minhyung's mom, kneading the gingerbread dough. She was sitting completely alone in the living room and I felt stupid that as a guest I would lock myself in the room with Minhyung and pretend that the rest of the household did not exist. Besides, on holidays there shouldn't be a situation where anyone spends this time alone. Mrs. Lee had two adult sons - adults apparently only on paper, since they ignored her loneliness in such a cruel way.

"It depends what meat I have at hand," she muttered thoughtfully, setting a rolling pin on the table. "I like the pork neck the best, to be honest. Then I marinate it in spices, garlic and soy sauce and leave it overnight. Then only cook it the evening of the next day," she explained and I quickly wrote it down in the recipe memory drawer. "Maybe I'll go get Jeno, he'll cut gingerbread for baking and we'll decorate them, huh?" she asked, clearly considering the occasion a great opportunity to see if the younger son was alive and even going to show up for her at meals.

"Great idea," I admitted with mock enthusiasm. The woman wiped hands on apron and went upstairs.

Spending time with Jeno was not a pleasant one. First of all, we hadn't had any contact with each other since he left school, I was still there. Second, he ignored my greeting at the holiday table yesterday, showing how offended he was for me being in a relationship with his hated brother. So he felt offended by the fact that someone might like Mark as much as he despises him. Besides, he made it clear to me with looks that if I wasn't his friend, my presence in this house was undesirable. Coming here on Christmas Eve two days ago I had an ambitious plan to fix these people's relationships but I was beginning to understand Mrs. Lee who thought it was impossible. If for twenty years of my life I had tried to reconcile own sons without success, I would probably also let go.

Finally, I heard the front door slam I had been expecting. Although the brothers hated each other and the air grew a million times heavier when they were together in the same room, being alone with Jeno was a much worse experience for me. I preferred to have Minhyung on hand each time this happened. Jeno was too afraid to open his mouth in front of Mark to throw some stupid remark at me.

"Hyung!" I inhaled loudly when felt Minhyung's icy hands under my t-shirt. I turned around and started slapping the cloth on his head and shoulders. The boy, however, found it very funny and only laughed while taking the hits. "Asshole," I murmured as he locked me in arms to hold back the tide of blows. He knew how sensitive I was to the cold. But he made up for everything with a warm mouth on my neck. I smiled, completely pleased. "You're cold," I whispered, flinching as I felt Mark's cool cheek against mine. Still, I hugged him tightly.

"Because it's damn cold," Minhyung admitted and as confirmation I felt his shudder. Boy slipped hands carefully into my pants and laid them on buttocks.

"You're gonna get warm soon," I assured, slowly combing the boy's hair. I closed eyes, listening to our calm breathing. We involuntarily started swaying slightly from side to side. I was hoping no one would bother us for as long as possible. I lost my desire to make gingerbread. I wanted to go back to bed with Mark and waste my time lying under the blanket.

"I think I came to like Christmas," boy suddenly whispered. I smiled and kissed his neck.

"Me too," I replied, running nose along the line of boy's jaw so I could finally warm my man's chilled lips with my own.

"Guess where I got coldest," he muttered suddenly between kisses. I burst out laughing.

"Idiot" I sumed up, jumping on him in messy oblivion. We miss the fact of where we are and with whom. Mrs. Lee reminded me of this effectively, just as her son tossed me lightly in arms to more comfortably distribute the weight of my body hanging on his hips.

"Nice view," she admitted, walking into the kitchen with Jeno, who only gave me a disgusted look. I looked down, stepping away from Minhyung, who was also not very comfortable with being caught.

"I'll go wash my hands," he whispered, kissing my forehead, then walked past, patting gently my butt.

"Okay," I muttered, releasing his hand rather reluctantly from mine. After Minhyung was gone, I sent Mrs. Lee's awkward smile. The woman, however, looked after Minhyung as if hoping that his exit from the kitchen was not forever. 

Apparently, she also had some hopes this Christmas.

♥

**[minhyung's mother]**

"Better explain to me how it happened," Jeno asked Donghyuck suddenly as they both split the gingerbread dough into equal portions for later rolling.

"What exactly?" Sora's son replied calmly, though he knew perfectly well what he was being asked about. This answer puzzled me too. I didn't understand many things. I didn't wish Minhyung bad but he wasn't fit to live with another human being.

"Why are you with him?" Jeno asked indignantly. I thought it wasn't just Donghyuck. Whoever his brother will invite to our house would be too bad.

"Why not?" the boy circled relentlessly, avoiding the direct collision of a simple question with a simple answer.

"He's mentally ill, Donghyuck." Jeno put something straight that I couldn't while talking to Hyuck yesterday morning. Brunet sighed heavily, putting the knife aside, as if afraid that he might use it for an inappropriate purpose.

"Jeno, let me explain something that you clearly have a hard time with understanding," he began brusquely, crossing hands over chest. I was leaning against the windowsill, watching them from a safe distance, sipping my tea. "This is _my_ boyfriend," he said, emphasizing the word to show the direction of belonging. "Believe me, I know perfectly well what is wrong with him and what he is like. You don't have a monopoly on these experiences," he assured, although I didn't think it was true. Mark's worst side would put anyone off. Apparently, by some miracle he had yet to recognize it. "I'm the one sleeping with him, not you, so what's your problem and why do you even care?" he asked with obvious irritation. I noticed that he reacts this way automatically as someone starts to insinuate that there is something wrong with his boyfriend. But these were the facts. Mark came around the corner with a grim face, stopping Jeno from answering. When he looked at me, I knew he heard everything perfectly.

"Should I do something, or should I go and get out of the way?" he asked coolly, raising an eyebrow up. Since he was here at all, I wasn't going to let him go. Hyuck thought Mark was a good man and I wanted to find out myself.

"Start decorating gingerbreads with Hyuck and I'll keep rest in the oven," I said, setting the tea on the windowsill.

"Okay," he sighed heavily, pulling up sleeves of sweatshirt sourly. I decided that this was the only chance for something that I hadn't done in many years. I reached out hand to put it on Minhyung's shoulder but only managed to gently brush his body before he dodged, as if contact with me would burn. Instead, he walked over to Hyuck and wrapped arm around boy's waist. "Will you show me how it's done?" he whispered very softly, as if was ashamed of not knowing something.

"Sure, sweetheart" Sora's son wrinkled nose as he got a kiss on temple. They walked over to the piece of tabletop furthest away from Jeno. Minhyung leaned over the boy so that he could observe his hands without breaking physical contact. "Look," Donghyuck muttered, picking up the tube with icing Mark had brought from the store. "Tick, tick... twist heeeere... sliiiightly on the edge... and that's it."

"Simple" Minhyung stated seriously, as if to convince himself. I wanted to laugh. After all, this man never had a knife in hand.

"Sure it's simple, Hyungie," Donghyuck laughed and stroked the back of Mark's head. Jeno and I exchanged knowing looks. So not only for me this diminutive was strange.

"Your mom won't be joining us today?" I asked, wanting to stop being a silent observer and listener of other people's conversations.

"No..." the brunet replied intently, shifting my son's hand on the right track as it went off course. "She's spending the day with Ted and his daughter," he added after a moment when felt the crisis was over.

"Such a shame," I sighed heavily. Though I didn't have a verbal bond with Donghyuck's mom, communicating in sign language was always better than being alone. "Are you staying with us for the night?" I asked hopefully. I overheard through the window that Minhyung was going to return to the apartment soon. But as long as Hyuck was here, my son had to stay there too. Even if he didn't talk to me, I was glad that he lived with me for a while again.

"If you don't mind, then yes," he said, glancing at me uncertainly.

"Of course I don't" I smiled warmly as he naturally reciprocated. He always reciprocated.

"Look, I'll do Marco" Mark cut in on our exchange. Hyuck looked at the gingerbread man, then began to laugh.

"You like it, I can see," he said happily. Minhyung nodded. "God, he really does look like Marco," added after a moment, as if that scared him a bit. I had no idea who they were talking about. I've never met any of Minhyung's friends. Except for Isabelle, whose trace has been lost long ago.

"I missed my destiny," the black-haired said with conviction. "I could be a Cookie Designer," added jokingly.

"Sure thing, baby," Hyuck shook head pityingly, kissing Mark's shoulder. He looked at me with amusement. I envied him that he had the chance to see my son in a completely unfamiliar version. I was interested in what he actually had in him that triggers similar reactions in Minhyung.

"I'll put it aside because it will destroy the holidays for the rest of the gingerbreads," Mark decided, carrying the gingerbread carefully towards the windowsill as if it were the most precious thing he had ever created.

"Okay," Donghyuck sighed softly with a smile as he took boyfriend's place for decorating. He did ten more at the rate of my son's one. If he hadn't taken matters into his own hands, we would have decorated it the next day.

In the meantime, however, the paths of Jeno with the tray to the oven and Mark to the window sill had to cross. I couldn't see it but the clash of metal meeting the ground alerted me very quickly. The rest happened incredibly fast. When I turned around, the gingerbreads were lying on the floor and Minhyung's hand was gripping shirt under Jeno's neck. I gave Donghyuck a panicked look. When Mark got angry, nothing would stop him. He acted like a battering engine sweeping an obstacle off the ground. Donghyuck, however, calmly approached Mark and gently grabbed his clenched fist.

"Let him go," asked simply, looking at the boy, who didn't take eyes off Jeno. There was a tense silence in the kitchen. I only missed the police intervention during the holidays. I really didn't want to do this to us. "Look at me," the brunet said in the same calm tone. When he got no response, grabbed Mark by the jaw himself and turned to face him. "Nothing happened," he whispered as their eyes met. Jeno jerked but Mark pulled him harder towards them. "Breathe, Hyungie. Just breathe," Donghyuck pleaded, pressing index finger into the center of the boy's clenched fist. Minhyung looked angrily at the ceiling, exhaling loudly the air in lungs.

"Killing is not enough sometimes," he muttered, pushing Jeno back from him violently with such force that he could barely keep balance. Sora's son immediately took advantage of the free space and stood in front of Mark, grabbing his face.

"We have Christmas," he said with a smile, as if he didn't even see the danger of this situation. "People don't kill others on Christmas, huh?" muttered as gently combed my older son's hair, who softened at the touch as if by magic. They looked at each other for a long time. Jeno walked unhurriedly towards me, standing behind the counter. I gave him the look of mother aware that her child had provoked this but he was too shocked that there had been a chance of visiting the hospital once again after years to notice it. "You'll make a new one," Donghyuck said before Mark closed his mouth with a quick kiss.

"I don't feel like making a new one," he said wearily, kicking the leftovers of the gingerbread he had decorated. It reminded me of how little it takes to upset him. "I'm going upstairs," announced to Hyuck, slapping his butt lightly several times before leaving the kitchen.

There was silence in the room. Brunet sighed heavily and combed hair, leaning hand on the table top, as if it had only just now dawned on him, what could have happened here, if not for his intervention. It seemed, however, that earlier he was pretending to be calm on purpose because he knew what my son would do if he approached emotionally. Having a tactic in reacting could only mean that it really wasn't the first time he had seen the aggressive Mark.

"You're impossible, Jeno," boy said suddenly, looking at old friend. Donghyuck walked closer, as if to finish what he had foiled his boyfriend. "If you want him to punch you so badly, be courageous and provoke him one-on-one, don't hide under your mother's skirt. Then no one can stop him. He will hit you so that you bounce off the wall and stay in it and I won't waste my nerves trying to stop it. Just don't cry after that your face is beaten, since you're asking yourself to simply smash it," he blurted out furiously in one exhalation, completely ignoring my presence. And I didn't say a word. I trusted that no one would get hurt in this talk.

"You don't know anything about him; you don't know what he did to me. If you knew, you would understand," Jeno said confidently, facing Donghyuck. Apparently, he hadn't enough arguments for the day. "Maybe he should treat you the same way to finally open your eyes and stop idealizing him because that's what pisses me off the most. Maybe there is a different magical way to treat you but remember that this is a sick fucker and sooner or later he will hurt you and then you will remember that I warned you and you didn't do anything with that knowledge," he said, pushing Hyuck back in arm. Donghyuck took a step back, watching Jeno with disbelief and real disappointment.

"As I look at how you behave towards him, I am convinced that I should never defend you," he said calmly. "I don't excuse Minhyung for his actions because it was wrong but looking at what you're doing now, I'm beginning to understand why he wanted to punch you. I would love to do it myself, now" he said, knocking Jeno's hand as it was approaching his shoulder again with great force. My son was shocked about it and pulled it up to chest, gently massaging at the crash site. "What do you think I got this scar from?" he asked, pointing with finger at the scar at the right brow bone. "From hugging too hard?" he laughed incredulously. "You think I didn't see your brother get furious? I will enlighten you - I saw this fury perfectly and clearly I felt the crystal ashtray crash against the wall next to my head" he said with growing anger, astonishing me. Jeno clearly swallowed, apparently for the first time seeing a brunet capable of such anger. "So I'm begging you, don't fucking tell me I don't know who he is. Don't tell me I haven't seen the worst side of Minhyung because I've seen many and much more than you've ever been able to see. Don't tell me what to do and what to feel" he asked, quite calmly, but in a voice that did not bear any objection. "Again, because I can see you still don't get it. Minhyung is _my_ boyfriend. _I_ live with him. _I_ spend time with him and _I_ share the bed with him. _You_ don't do any of these things, so get the fuck off him and let breathe with air in this house normally because it doesn't belong just to you," said flatly, taking a step back. He moved gaze from Jeno to me. "I'll have a look at him and be back soon," he smiled uncertainly, glancing at the gingerbread cookies. I nodded, unable to do anything else.

When he disappeared upstairs, I rubbed tired eyes with the back of hand. I sighed heavily and started bring gingerbread up from the tiles. I picked up Mark's cookie, wondering if there was some way to fix it. It wasn't in a dire condition but it didn't look too beautiful either. After a moment's thought, I tossed them on the baking tray along with the rest of the wasted cake. What sense did that make.

I won't save anything anyway.

I don't have such power.

"Minhyung is trying, Jeno," I told my son calmly. I really thought so. Instead of wasting this opportunity, we should both try to fix the relationship. With unnecessary hatred, we won't stick anything together here.

"Where and how? You're crazy too?" the boy was indignant. Nothing at all reached him. A moment ago, at his own request, he had hardly finished with a wasted face but it still didn't get through.

"You're just like your father," I said incredulously. However, that was the sad truth. Minhyung was just like me in terms of character, although he could deny it with all might. That's probably why we acted so toxic to each other.

"You know what, make those gingerbread yourself," he said angrily and left the kitchen. As usual, I was left alone. I didn't have all the strength for this. I sat down on the floor.

"Like every year - family, warm and wonderful," I whispered, leaning head on the table leg.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The film I mentioned is 'Tune in For Love'


	53. Snow lover

**[december 2020]**

**[minhyung]**   
  


I reluctantly entered the living room and slowly took the corner of the couch. Mom was sitting in her favorite armchair watching the evening game show. Neither she was eager to talk, nor I wanted her to do so. I only came here because of Donghyuck's request. He said that maybe I would at least try to sit in one room with her while he was washing himself. The gingerbread baking situation wasn't her fault and I really knew it. It was Jeno's, who packed afterwards and drove back to apartment. 

I couldn't say _no_ to brunet. Especially after he decided to defend me in this whole argument. I wished to not hear it at all but Hyuck's furious voice echoed down the hall, slipping through the crack in door against my will. I didn't understand why he did it at all until he explained it to me.

_"Honey, you can be a fucking dickhead at times but you're my fucking dickhead. I won't let someone who has no idea what kind of person you are to insult you. I can call you an asshole because I'm your boyfriend and I have a right to do so. However, I will destroy anyone who talks about you like that when they really know shit. That's how relationship works. We are in a relationship so I will protect you from others, no matter what and it's your fucking duty to do the same, you understand that?"_

I understood perfectly.

"Where's Donghyuck?" mom asked after a while as we were still sitting in silence without my boyfriend. I wasn't surprised at all that she preferred him to be with us now. Hyuck always knew how to hold any conversation, even a nonsense one and devoid of any future.

"Taking bath," I said dryly.

I didn't want this conversation.

I didn't need it.

We were better in silence.

The silence resulted in less negative returns.

"Won't you talk to me?" she was surprised after a long silence when nothing else fell from my mouth.

"About what?" I looked at her in disbelief.

We had anything to talk about at all?

Any common topics?

Whatever we had in common except our genes?

"Anything," she replied quite boldly. In order to talk about nonsense, you first need to have some foundations made of essential conversations. "Tell me something," she added after a while and I started laughing. This time honestly and naturally because it wasn't about my mother.

"You put pressure on the same useless things as Donghyuck" I sighed, smiling even under breath at the last wave of amusement.

"And what do you tell him then?" she asked, clearly unable to let go of the topic.

"Various things," shrugged. I rested ankle on the knee of the other leg, tilting head back. I glanced at the stairs but my salvation wasn't coming. How long can one soak in water?

"Then why can't you tell me such things as well?" she continued and I felt that when Donghyuck will finish evolving into a mermaid, he would find my mother dead in that fucking armchair because I would just strangle her. 

I followed the boy's advice and closed eyes, gasping for air. Slowly, easily, in small batches. Inhale - exhale, only pleasant memories in the head, wildflowers, full sun and my wonderful boyfriend completely naked somewhere in the middle. There is no better medicine for anger, I assure you.

"You started a little late for making up twenty years of pretending I didn't exist, that's my answer," said, waving foot vigorously in the air. I spread arms on the back of the couch, fingers gripping the fabric. I was begging the heavens that she didn't fucking provoke me too much. I swear I was really working on myself. If I had been in the body of the former Minhyung, the vase from the table would have been smashed long ago against her head. And yet I was still sitting politely on the couch and praying for Hyuck to come quickly because I really wasn't planning on making losses in this house. Jeno came out alive so far. She, too, should take care to share the fate of her favorite son.

"You're so unfair, Minhyung," the woman said, claiming apparently that tempting fate was a much better option than quietly finishing a game show and going to fucking bed with hope I wouldn't choke her in sleep.

"Perhaps," I muttered impatiently, glancing up at the stairs again. Still empty. _Donghyuck, I'm fucking begging you, boy. Come here, for God's sake._

"And that's it?" she was suddenly indignant. "That's all?" asked in a voice full of resentment, so I figured that was the point where my credit for patience with this woman ran out.

"That's still much more than you ever said to me after Jeno was born," I said one last sentence, seemingly calm but streaked with irritation. 

Warning.

"You're exaggerating as usual," she snorted in disbelief.

"You really don't know when to shut up, do you?" asked coldly and saw in her eyes that she must have finally realize crossing of specific lines that shouldn't have been crossed. "I haven't become like this on my own, mom," explained to her calmly but dryly. "Maybe if I ever felt loved, loving anyone wouldn't take me that long. Hyuck wouldn't have to bother so much, suffer and endure that I can't name basic emotions," said, leaning forward. I rested elbows on knees, turning body towards mother. "And for you to have the full picture - we aren't sitting here now for you, Jeno, a family that has never been and will never be true family. I spend these holidays and this time in this house only because of him, because he never had such holidays, you understand? So stop provoking me in front of him, throwing seemingly neutral statements, knowing perfectly well what pisses me off the most because with Hyuck I can calm down but when he's not with me, it's harder so I can simply hurt you and believe me - I don't want to do that," explained in a deadly whisper, staring straight into her stubborn eyes. "Have you realized what was said now?" I asked, wanting to make sure she understood the gravity of the situation and the fact that if she made me furious she would go to the grave at her own will. But instead of accepting some facts, my mother decided to ask another stupid question.

"Since when do you let him talk to you with your grandma's diminutive?"

"You're crazy," I laughed in disbelief as got up from the couch. Initially, I wanted to leave but I knew that if I did, I would most likely lace into Hyuck later in bedroom and that was even worse. That is why I turned to my mother, keeping a safe distance from all moving objects that were well in my hand and from her. "You know what the difference is between him and you?" I asked, nodding head towards the stairs leading up to the first floor. "Hyuck didn't say that if there is a problem, you need to get rid of it. He didn't put me in a treatment center but first he tried to influence me somehow." I explained her fundamental difference in such a huge problem as the diminutive that Donghyuck used and which I have never forbidden him to use. "You took the shortcuts by getting rid of the problem very quickly. It's so convenient. After all, if you have two sons, the broken one can be kicked out the door - one always stays in stock." I laughed mockingly and the woman looked away. There was silence between us. "I understand that now is a nice time to renew interest as the equipment is back from repair. I really do. After all, it's always nice when the device is operational after a long time," I took up the topic again with a surprisingly calm voice. "I just want you to know that you weren't the one who was rummaging around with this equipment. You didn't patiently change the screws and reinstall the system. Someone else did it," I said firmly because I knew very well what was going on. I wasn't stupid. She simply wanted to seize the opportunity but as usual without putting in any effort of her own. As always, she was just preying on the involvement of others. It was like that with my grandmother and so is now with Donghyuck. "And even if such a device comes back from the service and works efficiently, it's not repaired by the owner who broke it. He owes it to a service technician who took his time, while someone else used the last days of the warranty to return something at the last moment, when he could still get rid of the problem. That's why I am begging you..." _finally get away from me, for God's sake._ This is what the second part of the sentence would have looked like if the stairs had not creaked behind me.

"Something broke Minhyung?" I heard Donghyuck's calm voice. I squeezed eyes shut, silently cursing the whole thing.

"Hm?" I muttered, turning to look at him. He was standing in short black shorts and my t-shirt with slightly damp hair, waiting for some explanation.

"Heard something about the warranty," he said, letting me know that he had heard every single word of that messed-up conversation but as always, he decided to pretend otherwise.

"Mom's stuff," I whispered, trying to find even a little understanding and forgiveness in his eyes. In a strange way, these things were waiting for me there as usual. "But she already gave it back, so everything is fine now, don't worry" I tried to save the evening with a bad joke but Hyuck looked at me in a way that made me understand that if I shut up, it would be a better effect.

"Good," he sighed heavily as walked over to me. I opened arms where boy immediately disappeared. We stood there for a moment, staring at the screen. "Now I can see who's the cause of Minhyung's game shows habit," Donghyuck began after a while, glancing at mom over my shoulder. He probably decided that the negative emotions had subsided a little and there was room for a conversation about everything and nothing.

"It's the grandmother's habit," I explained to him, reluctantly sitting down on the couch. "I always watched with her when I was little."

"Cool Hyacinth Granny?" he made sure, coming closer to me.

"Yes..." muttered, wondering what he was actually doing. Hyuck began to squeeze between me and the side of the couch, earlier testing the ground uncertainly with feet. I grabbed his foot as boy patted my thigh with it to make me move. "You've got all the space for you here, honey," I pointed to the right.

"But I want it here," he stated seriously.

"Why?" I was surprised, still moving a little bit so that his ass could fit in.

"Because I want to be close to you," he announced, slowly covering us with a small blanket. "What about the romance of Christmas when I sit on the other end of the couch?" he asked, looking at me expectantly.

"Should I embrace you?" I asked in a whisper, completely softening under that honeyed gaze.

"Yes, please," replied just as softly. He stroked my cheek gently, pulling by neck down into a brief kiss that was probably supposed to cheer me up. It bettered mood a little. But the anger still circulated through the nooks and crannies of my arteries. I didn't realize it was so visible to the brunet until he stretched leg towards my right thigh and pressed foot over it so that it would end jumping nervously. I sighed heavily, avoiding the boy's vigilant gaze, that was watching me closely from the side. "Is something going on?" he asked barely audible and I just shook head in denial. I probably did it too vigorously because Donghyuck nestled tightly against me, placing our intertwined fingers on his thigh. "You know the answer?" asked after a pause as the screen showed slot with question about which family in the plant kingdom the freesia belonged to.

"How on earth?" I laughed, completely amazed that he suspected me of having such knowledge.

"You said you wanted to be a gardener," murmured, playing with my fingers. I kissed his temple.

"I also told you that it was over because I ended up in the center," I reminded him. "Well, grandma died too, so it's no longer a dream at all," I sighed heavily.

"Don't explain everything with a center," he whispered, completely ignoring the comment about grandma. "They had a garden there for sure. Green is said to be good for mental health. "

"On my first day there, I got a card that gave me a choice of two days from which I could choose one to go out to the garden," I explained, recalling that lousy day. Hyuck glanced at me with surprise painted on face. "I was shocked too," admitted, smiling as ran my hand through his damp hair that was strangely tickling.

"Then what did they want the garden there for?" he asked almost indignantly.

"I don't know," shrugged. I really don't get it. They could at least use us to do weeding in the flower beds but they didn't even do that.

"And when did you choose?" he became interested.

"Some in winter," I replied dismissively, as if it wasn't one of my most hated days at all. _14th of February_. I grabbed Donghyck's foot gently and started massaging it slowly so that I had anything in my hands.

"But then nothing grows," he whispered, staring sluggishly at what I was doing with his leg.

"That was the point," I admitted. "Everything then dies. Just like me " I joked poorly, though actually it was true at the time. I really felt like I was dying and then for a long time it seemed to me that I was dead. What can I say - I wanted to die then.

"Don't be stupid, you're alive," Donghyuck, however, turned as if he didn't understand what was funny. "Tell us something cool better," asked, yawning. He clearly had no idea that the same question from my mother's lips had led to the argument he later witnessed.

"From what category?" I sighed heavily. I didn't like his requests. I had to look for some strange stories from my life and try to choose pleasant ones so as not to spoil mood of both of us. He didn't give me easy tasks.

"Hmmm..." Hyuck muttered, still flexing my fingers in various strange directions. The screen asked which archipelago the Sunda Islands belonged to. "Vacation memories" he said, as if on the wave of what he saw on the game show.

"It's not a too good category, honey," I said quickly, trying to remain relatively calm. Although I could see on Donghyuck's face that it surprised him greatly, he decided not to pursue it. Unlike my mother, who was clearly still in the mood for an argument.

"Minhyung never wanted to spend holidays with us," she said coolly, as if it were my fault. She wanted to put me in a bad light again and I was really starting to lose all my composure and patience.

"Wonder why the fuck it was like that," I muttered angrily.

"I'm curious myself," she shrugged, using knowledge from the course of adding fuel to the fire of my nervousness. She was a true diamond medalist in all categories of this discipline.

"So maybe I can change the category to favorite movie, hm?" Donghyuck asked hesitantly, fingers gripping the edge of my shirt. He wanted to help and it was just the opposite. It wasn't his fault.

"No, it's okay," I assured, rubbing his face. I just needed to calm down a little. "If my mom needs to refresh memory why we never spent holidays together, I would love to do it," I finally stated, to the woman's great surprise. Maybe it's even better that it turned out like this now. Donghyuck won't have to try to fix our relationship because there will be absolutely nothing left of it after this story.

"Hyungie, maybe you'd better not, baby, hm...?" Hyuck sat sideways and facing my mom, patting me reassuringly on the chest. "I can do without this story, let's change the category, please," shook head, seeing in my eyes the seed of something he didn't like very much.

"It's a really nice story," I assured, taking that hand. "Well, my wonderful parents started their leave" I started calmly because after many years these emotions didn't matter anymore. For the mother today, they have become a tool of manipulation. However, whoever fights with the sword dies stabbed by it. The course of the years had clearly blurred her what was most important in this memory. It blurred me. "They loved each other so much that they always made sure they get it together. My wonderful brother was already in the world, the pride of this family, a real fruit of love, not some stupid screw-up that destroyed everyone's life," I said brusquely.

"Stop it, Mark," she protested, rubbing temples as if my lack of heart was already tormenting her. She was pretending to be hurt in front of Donghyuck as if was telling him _See what he's doing to me and how he treats me so disrespectfully? See that, Donghyuck? Are you sure you want to be with such a man?_

"You wanted to talk to me so shut the fuck up now, as I finally do so," I said a lot harder than I intended. It seemed that Hyuck came to terms that he could no longer stop what had started, so he put hand over mouth and stared into space blankly. "Parents were supposed to pick us up after work on the last day of school..."

"You don't have to tell it," my mother suddenly moved abruptly in her chair, as if had realized what a wonderful piece of our shared past I was going to bring to the surface. And this piece presented, for a change, in the worst possible light not me, but her. Something unacceptable.

"No, I'll tell you since I started but it's nice that you remember," I replied with a mocking smile. "Maybe Donghyuck will finally understand why he shouldn't force in me thinking you were certainly involved in my upbringing when I was little and deserve any respect," I added immediately on the tide of anger that seized me.

"Minhyung, please stop," Hyuck tried one last time, grabbing my chin to make look at him but I knocked his hand away. Now I had to say it. The case has gone too far.

"Well, they drove up to the school and you have to know that Jeno was already a golden child with a flawless heart back then, just almost another fucking pope," I started sarcastically. "He told our parents that I decided to spend my vacation with grandmother and didn't want to go on holidays with them. Every rational, of sound mind parent looks at such a seven-year-old and states that if he says so, it must be so. Time to start your summer camp then. There is no point in checking if it is true, there is no point in calling grandma to ask if it bothers her maybe, or if she went to a gardening fair in a neighboring state, where she has been going every year for 15 years in row literally during this time. If seven-year-old Jeno says something, that's how the fuck it is," I blurted out in one breath, not being aware of what layers of frustration for that situation are still in me. "After all, he is a wise and loving child. Not like his stupid brother. The stupid brother that was found by dusk at school and on his way home kissed own ass because no one had left spare keys. Stupid brother who spent the night on the porch during a storm, shitting in pants with fear and whom grandma found in the same place after two days with pneumonia and fever because she just came to water her fucking daughter's flowers when came back to that shitty town form fair" raised voice, barely refraining from leaving the house, slamming the door and walking out of this madhouse. "And you probably think that when she called my lovely mother to ask what was going on, they came home after the news that I had pneumonia?" I asked Hyuck, who wasn't even looking at me. I knew I had failed but I couldn't stop it. "No, what for?" I shrugged. "Since grandma found me, now she can take care of grandson. Jeno enjoys the lake so much. It is a pity to waste his holidays, he's only a child, he deserved to have good memories. And I'm alive, right?" I gasped, smiling crookedly under breath without a hint of mirth. Mom was looking at me with a strange mix of feelings that I didn't know. "Cough syrup and I'll be fine," added in a whisper. I felt all of bitterness somehow magically disappear. Anything but mounting guilt as I looked into my boyfriend's glazed eyes. "I'm so sorry, Donghyuck..." I started hesitantly, then sighed heavily in irritation. I could screw up everything. I was angry with myself for destroying everything I touch. I promised him a merry Christmas and I did everything not to make it just like that. "Don't cry, I didn't mean to hurt you with that," I said, reaching out to his face but the boy gently brushed me off, shaking head. He sniffed and wiped tears away himself.

"Sorry, I feel uncomfortable," he whispered, tossing the blanket aside. Hyuck got up slowly from the couch, wrapping arms around himself. "Good night," he added, avoiding eye contact with my mom and quickly escaped up the stairs, leaving us alone in our stupid war, the victims of which are the innocent.

There was silence in the living room.

The television advertising hiatus began. I started to wonder how to fix what I destroyed now. It was supposed to be better between us and it only got worse again. As for anger. I was planning to enter the new year in a happy relationship and it looked like that if I continued to maintain my ability to improve Hyuck's mood, we would start the new year separately.

Again.

"If you want to talk about something else today, I'll be upstairs explaining to my boyfriend why I acted like an asshole, reminding you of your parenting mistakes," I sighed heavily, getting up from the couch.

"I'm sorry," mom said suddenly, looking down at hands.

"Keep it to yourself, it doesn't matter now," I said flatly. It didn't weigh to me anymore. "You can put such an apology deep in your ass."  
  


♥

**[donghyuck]**   
  


Mrs. Lee, with her initial reluctance on Christmas Day, suggested to me that I knew nothing about their family. I questioned it at the time because I thought that knowing Minhyung well, nothing more complicated than him would appear on the horizon anymore. Meanwhile, it turned out that I don't know either this family or Minhyung.

I wanted to cry out of anger at myself.

Who gave me the right to reflect on someone else's past in such circumstances?

Who gave me the right to fix another family?

The truth was _no one_. I wanted to fix Mark's relationship with mother by force because it seemed to me that they both secretly wanted it, only communication was broken. However, it turned out completely different. It turned out that I had awakened Mrs. Lee's hopes for something that Minhyung himself didn't want.

And he was the most important to me.

He was my boyfriend.

It was him who mattered the most, not me and my childish assumptions and confirmed death rescue missions.

I was just feeling stupid to the point where I wanted to go underground. To help Minhyung, I must have only hurt him more. I knew that my requests to tell something were not his favorite activities in our relationship because he simply had to speak. And it was talking about himself, which he hated even more. After all, he never complained, he always complied with my requests, let himself be known... Our little talks have never led to such a disaster...

After a long moment, I heard the hinges creak on the door as it opened. I lay on the bed with back to them, wrapped in the blanket up to the top of head, hoping Mark wouldn't want to talk about what had happened downstairs. I wanted him to just lie down next to me, hug me tight and say he forgives me for being childish. 

Minhyung, however, stood still. 

Seconds turned to minutes and he was still standing at the threshold. Finally, boy sighed heavily as walked over to the chair by the desk from which he took the other blanket. But instead of going to bed with me, he headed towards the exit from the room.

"Where are you going?" I jumped up suddenly, staring at him in horror. Mark gave me a confused look.

"To the guest room," explained hesitantly, as if didn't quite know what to do with himself.

"Why?" I asked, swallowing. I was terrified of why he would make such a decision. Even when we argued, we slept in the same bed. Just a little further apart. It was still one bed after all. Meanwhile, here this quarrel wasn't even between us.

"You said you felt uncomfortable," Minhyung said something for which I was completely unprepared. I sat up in bed, watching him carefully.

"Yes," I admitted hesitantly. "You don't want to sleep with me for that?" I was surprised.

"I thought you didn't want to sleep with me," he explained, looking at me with a blank face. I realized how seriously we just didn't understand each other. I started laughing.

"Minhyung, you dumbass," I muttered, looking at him reproachfully that he gave me a heart attack for a moment. A night spent alone in his own house would be even more awkward than his argument with mother in the living room. "Come to bed," I asked as he was still standing in the doorway with the blanket under arm. He looked like a beaten prisoner chased out of his own bunk in a cell. "Please, don't be silly," I whispered. Finally Minhyung obeyed and closed the door. He set the blanket back on the armchair and sat shakily on the edge of the mattress halfway down the bed.

"Did I tell you that I love your legs?" asked suddenly, touching my thigh. He moved fingers slowly upward, as if it were some strange combination of make up caressing after an argument that only happened in our heads.

"Legs?" I was surprised. Mark appreciated the different parts of my body but hadn't let me know about this fetish yet. "That's news to me," I admitted.

"So I'm saying now," he whispered, effectively escaping my gaze as if was ashamed of it. "Your legs are amazing."

"Thank you," I replied just as softly as I ran hand through his hair. I slid fingers slowly down onto Mark's temple, then on cheek and jaw, to finally lift chin up. His impenetrable eyes were what I needed now - not compliments on my titillating legs. As Minhyung moved closer, he carefully moved arm to the other side of my body so that he could lean over me in a more comfortable way. Boy placed hand uncertainly palm up on my stomach, in a silent invitation to go through this strange conversation together. I bit lip lightly and without hesitating, laced our fingers together.

"Sorry about that downstairs," said finally after a moment's silence. "You know I didn't want to," muttered embarrassedly.

"And you know perfectly well that you have nothing to apologize for," I assured him, shocked that he took all the blame for this incident. I had heard their argument before, I shouldn't have given the opportunity to develop it.

"I don't?" he was really surprised; in genuine shock.

"What do you want to apologize me for?" I asked, also not fully understanding his point of view.

"That you were uncomfortable," he explained quite seriously. "I didn't think about it and I'm sorry for that, I really do," he said, tapping our intertwined fingers gently against his chest. I looked at him through glazed eyes, completely unable to stop it.

"Do you even see how you've changed?" I asked incredulously and finally my voice broke completely. Putting Minhyung from September and present Minhyung next to each other, there was a huge gulf between the two.

"For the better or for the worse again?" he made sure hesitantly and I burst into a soft laugh. Mark raised eyebrows and I knew my reaction was incomprehensible to him.

"For the better, Hyungie" I confirmed, kissing him gently. "Definitely for the better," I repeated, leaning our foreheads against each other. "What did you want to apologize to me for?" I asked, having at times really serious trouble figuring out this man. "For not thinking and starting to move some traumatic categories? For having a fucked up vacation and touched in the head parents who ruined your childhood?"

"I don't know," he admitted regretfully and confusedly. "I'm used to the fact that it's always my fault," he said simply. A wave of remorse hit me. I didn't want it to be like this always. He couldn't take the blame even when it didn't belong to him.

"You tried today," I admitted, recalling how he struggled to get involved in making gingerbread, although he honestly hated it. "I'm proud of you and thankful for that."

"I wanted you to have a nice Christmas," he confessed, reminding me immediately of what he told mother before I went downstairs. That he suffers it only for my sake and that he limps through being in this house for Christmas just for me. In a word, he never mentioned that he hates it all so much. I would never force him to surrender to the festive atmosphere, if I only knew it beforehand.

"This is the best Christmas I've ever had anyway," I admitted quite honestly. I spent the first Christmas after my father's death forcibly training in the woods, just after joining the mafia. The second Christmas was without Minhyung, who went to Edmonton, and although very pleasant, because spent with my mother, it escaped me thinking about the black-haired man. Even though Seth was with me then... Life is complicated.

"Why?" he asked calmly, placing hand on the back of my neck. Lately everything on his part has been so delicate... Totally different than before.

"Because you're by my side, we spend it together and..." I broke off as my voice cracked slightly. "I'm happy, Hyungie," whispered as softly as I could. As if fearing that the Marco-shaped gingerbread would dig out of the dumpster, hear it and destroy everything.

"Donghyuck..." Mark began hesitantly, as if the words I spoke were too bold and had to hold back my galloping imagination. The boy moved slightly away from me, looking down.

"What's happening?" I asked in panic. I knew that sometimes I expected too much from him and he didn't always have to share my feelings or plans for the future that I had secretly possessed, but...

"I have to tell you something..." he said, pressing fingers on my hips. I swallowed hard. It's been too good lately. I knew something must have fucked up in the end but I didn't suspect it was right now.

"I won't be angry," promised, although it was more of a sentence to convince me.

"You'd be completely fucked up if you were mad at me," Minhyung said suddenly, baffling me. "The point is..." he muttered uncertainly, placing a shaking hand on my cheek. Mark's thumb began to wander over the moles he allegedly liked best. "During _that_ quarrel..." he began, voice trembling. I sighed heavily, glancing to the side. I hated coming back to it. What else was so important there that troubled him? We went through that day the length and breadth. Nothing of it was left but the need to forget. "You know which..."

"I know," interrupted him not too gently. "I know perfectly well."

"You said then..." he began cautiously, swallowing. "That I don't love you," whispered, taking a deep breath. I combed the boy's hair gently, fearing that he was about to look inwards and nothing would be left of strange speech going nowhere. "I just wish you knew this isn't true, Hyuckie," he finally gasped out barely audible.

"What?" I asked in surprise as grabbed his wrist.

"That's not true," he repeated, glancing at me uncertainly. I looked at him like it was the first time. As if I didn't know this man at all. It took me a while to even understand what my limited boyfriend was trying to convey to me. When the moment of full realization hit me, I started to panic that this was an illusion and everything was about to burst like a soap bubble.

"Say it out loud, Hyungie," I whispered frantically, pressing our lips together. Minhyung was so shocked by what I did after such long silence that he didn't even react. "Say, please," I blurted out, giving him no chance to answer. Finally he kissed me back, making completely confused about what he wanted. Was it stupid that I was afraid of these words on his part? I waited so long for them with the conviction that... "Say," I breathed right into Minhyung's mouth, who finally began to simply laugh.

"I must to have..." he muttered indistinctly as I slipped onto his lap. Mark's hands obediently grabbed my hips with the traditional reflexes. They belonged there after all. "...free mouth..." he sighed slowly, unable to free himself from my lips. We kissed for a moment longer but finally Mark cursed loudly, catching my face in both hands. "...baby," he choked out the end of the sentence, breathing heavily. We looked at each other for a while with darting eyes. Was it really happening? "I love you, Donghyuck," Minhyung said very seriously as our breathing stabilized. "I love you as fuck," he laughed when saw a smile on my lips.

"You know what that means, right?" I made sure. "You're not sick or anything, are you?" I asked, touching him first on the forehead and then on the cheeks and neck in search of a fever.

"No" he started to laugh, grabbing my aggressive hands in his. "I love you more than my shit worth life, Lee Donghyuck," whispered again as my eyes began to glass again. This day was an emotional rollercoaster. "These are the facts," he said, brushing my hair back from face. "I was supposed to tell you this a while ago but I couldn't choose the right moment. I don't know if this one is good, considering what happened today but how long can I choose the right moment? How much time would you have to wait for me to choose it?" he asked, almost helplessly, as if it had been killing him for a long time - looking for that right moment. I began to wonder how blind am I to this man that I had completely missed it before? I stared at the ceiling with a sniffle. I didn't want to fall apart now. After all, it is a joyful moment. I shouldn't be crying. I let out a long sigh, hugging Minhyung. I felt the boy's hands move slowly from my thighs higher and higher, finally disappearing under the pants. They reached the hips and stayed there, apparently ending their journey at dreamy destination. "Once I read in a book, in the center I read a lot, that love is not only about copulation. Love lies in the desire to share a dream with someone, to fall asleep next to another..." he began to speak calmly and I had to admit that he had never spoken about any emotions as calmly and with such reflection as he does now. "I went back to this book a while ago and I realized I felt it for you," he confessed, drawing me closer to him. I hid face in the crook of his neck, feeling like a little child found shelter; the safest place on earth. "As I went through the pages I searched for my private definition of this feeling. And this is it. It seems so simple and stupid and I was looking for it for so long, although it was actually at my fingertips all the time" he laughed at own ignorance. I rested temple on Minhyung's shoulder and started playing with his hair on the back of neck.

"What was that book?" I asked, wanting him to continue talking to me now. He had to speak to keep up the mood of the moment when I was completely speechless.

" _Unbearable lightness of being*_ ," he explained calmly, rocking me slowly in arms.

"Interesting title," I admitted thoughtfully. "It overwhelms the heart... puts a weight on the lungs, making it difficult to breathe," I whispered, looking at the photo on the windowsill. It presented Mark with his grandmother at the flower fair. Even if he didn't smile, he looked quite pleased. It must have been a good memory. "Is this how my little Hyungie felt?" I asked in a trembling voice, clenching fingers on the boy's t-shirt.

"I think so," he admitted hesitantly, stroking my head. "But I've been breathing perfectly normally for a while," assured me, kissing on the exposed side of arm.

"I'm happy..." I smiled to myself, sniffling. I closed eyes, listening to our calm breathing. I succumbed to the magic of gentle rocking from side to side. "I'm very happy..."  
  
  
  


I was sitting on the porch steps, watching the children of my neighbors make snowmen. I was smoking a cigarette, wondering why this view didn't bother me as much as it did last year. I didn't know. However, it occurred to me that I'd never made such a snowman myself. I wondered what it would feel like, while blocking the urge to pursue such a plan in my head.

"What were you doing when the first snow fell?" Mark asked finally, breaking the silence. He was standing at the threshold behind me for a long time. I wondered when he'd finally gasped out with what he'd come into such cold.

"We were at your place then," I replied calmly, watching the Wrights' children argue about who would shove a carrot in the snowman's face. "You were packing to mom," I replied after a moment's thought, when the taller boy decided the arguments weren't going anywhere and decided to use force. He pushed the shorter one into the snowdrift and did what he wanted. Stupid children.

"It's alright then," Minhyung stated cryptically, also looking at the family drama across the street. Parents, concerned about the crying of their younger son, joined the row.

"Why do you ask?" I thought as tossed the cigarette into the snow by the porch. Mom will scream but it's only after the thaw. I had a while before she told me to clean it up.

"Your mom is watching some drama and there the girl said that the first snow with a person is love and all and it's is okay for the relationship," he gasped as I approached. I raised eyebrows up, looking at the boy with a smile. "So it's good that we were together, that's all..." muttered shyly, looking the other way. I laughed softly, touching Minhyung's cheek, that still had a little warmth from the house inside.

"Oh look at you; who blushes so wonderfully" I started to tease him, knowing full well how much these cute words cost him and how much he dislikes speaking them out loud. And yet here he was, fucking all those cute little shits to make my day better.

"I'm not blushing," grunted, almost offended. Still, he touched with back of hand cheeks to see if it could be seen or I'm just making fun of him. I started laughing.

"The first snow is shared by destined lovers," I explained this strange Korean superstition to him. At least, even if it was weird, I didn't mind it being real. "Then love blooms. They say so," I added, nodding head towards the house. I was a bit cold already.

We entered the house slowly. I took off beanie and jacket, immediately feeling an unpleasant burning sensation on my cheeks. I don't know what made me smoke two cigarettes in a row. After all, addiction was not governed by the law _in advance_. On the way upstairs, I saw that mom and Ted were actually watching some TV series with English subtitles especially for Ted. They made a really cute and peaceful couple. I was hoping something really serious and good would come out of it. I didn't know how a man was but my mom certainly deserved it.

"You know what Minhyung made me realize, mom?" I asked, drawing her attention to myself. She looked at me questioningly, additionally nodding at us. "That we were together on the first snow," I said childishly, smiling ear to ear. The woman just rolled eyes, waving hand at me to get out with such shit talk. "What a face that is!" I started teasing her. "We're meant for each other. Now you must love him like your own son," I said in mock indignation, pointing to Minhyung.

"Did I hugged you too little when you were a kid that you talk such nonsense?" she pointed in sign, tapping forehead at the same time to show me what a moron I am by saying such things. I burst out laughing.

"There's something in it..." Ted suddenly said, brooding, I don't quite know about what. About cuddling or that we are destined to each other with Mark. At least, he didn't escape mother's anger, who gave him a sharp look. Minhyung placed hands subtly on my shoulders and started massaging them a little too hard.

"She won't like me that way," he muttered discreetly in my ear. Under the pressure of his fingers, I strained against some strange strategic muscle.

"Ouch, baby..." I muttered, struggling with the boy. "He said yesterday that he loves me" I showed my mother so as not to embarrass Mark any more today. He didn't have to understand everything. "Give him a chance," I asked, still in sign language and mother sighed heavily, looking at Minhyung for a long time. Finally she smiled gently, which boy hesitantly reciprocated. "With teeth?" I asked jokingly and as a result, I was hit with a remote control thrown all the way through the room. I started to laugh out loud as grabbed Minhyung's hand. This meant it was time to escape.

"You have the same face as you get pissed off," he said softly when we were going up the stairs.

"I have my mother's face?" I asked mockingly, opening the door to my room. "Unbelievable, Minhyung," I shook head.

"Character, I guess, too," laughed, turning me towards him. Malicious sparkles danced in boy's eyes as he grabbed my face. "That devilish character straight from hell..." whispered, staring at me with distracted eyesight. I started laughing, pulling him into a kiss. "Who are you and why are you messing with my mind?" whispered frantically during unbuttoning my pants.

"I'm Lee Donghyuck..." I laughed, tossing Mark's sweatshirt to the ground. "Your destiny..." panted as I pushed him onto the bed. The boy pulled my shirt with him, so we both ended up on the mattress. "Your snow lover," I muttered, bending down for another kiss, which of course I got.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> * Milan Kundera - Unbearable lightness of being


	54. New Year's secrets

**[december 2020 - january 2021]**

**[donghyuck]**

_What a shit weather_ , thought as I got out of bed this morning. Gray, snow, zero Minhyung next to me under a warm duvet. Smoking a cigarette at the entrance to the back of the restaurant, I didn't change my mind. 

This day was just plain ugly.

"New Years Eve at work?" I asked Hunter when we met in the parking lot.

"As you can see," he muttered, sneezing into sleeve almost immediately. I winced as picked up the papers he held out to me. I took them reluctantly, considering that the surface wasn't a suitable place for such matters. Documents should be taken underground. It irritated me that he was learning so slowly. "I got them from Steven yesterday for you. He won't be here today," explained succinctly.

"Okay, thanks," I muttered, looking quickly at briefcase. "Why didn't you just leave it on desk?" I asked, not fully understanding why such important documents traveled with him all over New York.

"I wanted to get it home for you but I had to take Marco to Tony and then it was too late, so..." he started to speed up, so I cut it off very quickly.

"Don't do it, Hunter. Never again," I said in warning. "This is fucking forbidden," I added incredibly seriously, looking him straight in the eye. "If you get something down it stays down, okay? You have absolutely no right to have it with you, especially carrying it around the neighbourhood. You're not a fucking postman, got it?" I asked quietly, searching for the understanding on his face. Fortunately, I found it.

"Got it," confirmed, nodding. At least he was listening. I had the impression that he didn't have much in head, since hadn't figured out such basic things yet. We stood in silence for a while until Mark destroyed it with his today's haste and disorganization of life.

"Quick, quick," boy ran up to me with a messy tie. He was very wheezing, so I suspected that had been looking for me here for quite a long time in a panic of heteronomy.

"When you're gonna learn to tie that shit up yourself?" I muttered dissatisfiedly, tucking the cigarette between lips and the briefcase between legs.

"As long as you do it for me, I don't have to," matter-of-factly stated when I was tugging with tie. He glanced quickly over shoulder at the car driving up to the restaurant. "Thanks," he said frantically, taking the cigarette from my mouth, then ran towards the waiting Vernon. Before entering the car he threw the cigarette butt blindly into the snow and they drove away with a screech of tires. I sighed heavily, feeling dizzy from the rush.

"Think I've finished smoking," I said without much emotion. "Are we going?" muttered, looking at Hunter, whose eyes were still fixed on the direction Minhyung had left.

"Where is he going in such a hurry?" asked slightly absent, as if it was the most important thing in the world at the moment.

"No idea," shrugged. I was sincere in these words. I guessed it was related to the thing that got Minhyung out of bed after meeting before our family holiday. Despite everything I didn't ask about anything, I didn't know what was going on either. "If Steven is also gone, then something must be happening," I said calmly, sighing softly under breath. Secrets, secrets...

"Do you think we'll find out?" But Hunter persisted. For someone who had been here for a long time, he was surprisingly unfamiliar with his place.

"Who knows," I replied evasively. "We're just pawns, Hunter. It is worth remembering."

🖤

**[minhyung]**

The lights in Donghyuck's house were completely off. The whole estate had long been enveloped in darkness. Only from time to time, somewhere in the distance, still timid, faint fireworks lit up the New Year's sky. We were welcomed by the year 2021, which didn't seem very different from its predecessor. Besides fact that 2021 I greeted with Hyuck by my side. 

Almost.

I was smoking a cigarette in this frost, leaning back against the car. I tried to get everything I heard today out of head and everything that was doing shit out of my brain. Work should stay at work. Lately I've been doing worse and worse with this rule.

_"You're stupid if you think these women are with us for love," said Enzo Luciano after a few deep drinks as the talks began to turn from business to personal gossip. "In this world, all that matters is sex, money and information that they can pull you out to blackmail with later," he muttered sadly, puffing on cigar._

_"Someone must have burned a lot in their life," Tony laughed, sipping whiskey. He nudged Marco with elbow knowingly and they both moved eyebrows meaningfully. Enzo was never lucky with women. It was the fourth one that had run away from him. No wonder he became the subject of jokes when wasn't around._

_"And just so you know I got burned," the man replied depressingly, as if he were almost waiting for the encouragement to continue the story. Marco and Tony held the power in this group. Two clans. Perez and Esposito. Luciano's family was never strong, so Enzo was rather invited to these banquets out of pure courtesy. He was never considered a business partner. Sad. "Cutting off this leech cost me two loads of weapons and eight men," he complained about the losses, completely unaware that he was showing greatest weaknesses and only making those weakness worse by confessing. I thought that when Tony got bored with him, he would quietly get rid of Enzo. He was a good mascot so far._

_"What did she do?" Ignazio Valenti asked, clearly bored with the story before it started for good._

_"She sold me," explained tearfully. I looked at Marco. As our eyes met over the table, Perez rolled eyes discreetly. I smiled under breath. "She had a fagot somewhere on the beachfront."_

_"Maddox?" Marco asked a little playfully to amuse the company. And he succeeded. The Italian mafia didn't like the Maddox. It wasn't about race because the fact that they were black never mattered in business. However, they owned the port. An important transition point. We only have land or transport to the other side of the States._

_"You're silent again, Mark," Tony pointed out to me. I looked at him blankly, though I was trembling inside. A powerful man with powerful influence._

_"I don't have enough material to throw in my two cents," I explained, spreading arms helplessly._

_"You're young," muttered Ignazio. "You still have time to get fucked by the woman," he added calmly, although everyone knew his wife was as important business partner as her husband. If they were no longer united by love, it was definitely money for them._

_"Thanks to your advice, I already know how to avoid it," I said jokingly, amusing everyone except Enzo, who was just getting turned on._

_"Sure thing" took up the subject again. Tony sighed heavily and waved one of his service girls to fetch more drinks. "When she starts asking about the job, cut her off. Too much interest in what we do is always suspicious." leaned in my direction, giving this fantastic advice._

_"I just give up a woman," said calmly, as if my thoughts weren't already with the honey-eyed boy who is just burning a candle at both ends, waiting for me under the duvet in pajamas._

_"Good luck with that" Santino Oliveto started laughing out loud, like I said a joke of the year. I replied the same, pretending I'd done it. Marco seemed pleased with our interaction._

_Facade._

_"After all, we all succumb to the pressure that there is always someone at home waiting and cooking for you," Ignazio interrupted seriously. He was a serious man in general. At the table, he always acted as if everything was boring him. "The case is actually to find out why she does it."_

These meetings always spoiled my mind. There was a feeling in head that there was a button in my brain for the kind of occasions that the banquets just pressed. They aroused suspicion, raised doubts, questioned foundations that I would never even be able to question. Toxic environment. I didn't want to go to Hyuck with such prejudices but sometimes I couldn't help but give myself a chance to prove otherwise.

"May I come in or is it too late?" I whispered when Hyuck picked up after two rings.

"You can, I've been waiting," he muttered sluggishly, which suggested to me that I just woke him up. I wasn't shocked at all. I would fall on my face by this hour. "Just be quiet because mom and Ted are asleep," he asked again, then hung up. After a while, opened door in my sweatshirt and panties. "Come in faster, cooooold" he chased me, kicking heels in the spot. I slipped inside, feeling tired in every limb. I only dreamed of a warm bed warmed by Donghyuck's body and a sweet dream. I took coat off with a sniffle.

"Happy new year, honey," I whispered, taking boy tightly in arms, as if he would melt into thin air at any moment. Hyuck jumped on me gracefully and so delicately that I didn't even feel that I had gained kilos on chest.

"Mr. Lee, how handsome you are in this suit," he whispered sleepily and I couldn't help but smile back with a very soft and gentle kiss.

"Are we going upstairs?" I asked hoping he hadn't prepared any special attractions. I was very tired. All I wanted was a Donghyuck and a warm bed.

"Mm," he muttered in confirmation, blindly finding my fingers with his. "I have champagne," he added, yawning discreetly and then wiped the back of hand at tired eyes, dragging me upstairs with him. "Do you want to change first?" asked when we entered the room. He promised to clean up but from what I could see, it was just too much to do here. "I've got your clothes ready," muttered, waving hand at my diced clothes on the sheets. He had to come to the apartment on way from work. Sweet teddy bear.

"Oh yes," I confirmed, quickly taking off that disgusting, cigar-stained jacket. Donghyuck sat silently on the bed beside, watching my fingers undo the buttons on snow-white shirt.

"Tired?" Hyuck asked anxiously, running hand slowly over my naked stomach.

"Terribly," admitted without a fight. I was tragically exhausted and I didn't even know if it was more physically or mentally.

"We'll go to sleep after a toast," assured me, letting know that he expected nothing more from me tonight. Donghyuck must have been sleepy himself after working all day. Besides, tomorrow morning he was going there again because in theory me and Steven were supposed to sleep off our two banquets.

"You won't ask why I was going there?" I finally asked, pulling the sweatshirt over head. I knew it was stupid. Enzo was a pathetic idiot who let himself be used. I thought I wasn't like that. Hyuck was silent for a moment, silently pouring champagne.

"You didn't inform me at all that you were going there, so I assumed you couldn't tell me," Donghyuck stated bluntly, turning with glasses to me. "So I didn't ask," he sighed heavily, handing me alcohol for a toast. "Should I ask?" he raised eyebrows up, placing hand on my chest; and I covered it with mine.

"I don't know," confessed honestly. I really didn't understand myself anymore or what I was doing right now. I wanted to tell him about my day, so I also wanted him to ask what I was doing today. At the same time, I was afraid of what my head would do with such a question after today's meeting and the brave words of Enzo and Ignazio about the calculated kind of women.

"I don't like your secret meetings," Dohnghyuck whispered in response, bettering my hood with free hand.

"Why?" I whispered, pulling him closer. Hyuck sighed heavily, looking at me uncertainly as if afraid I'd be angry at his words.

"Weird you're coming back after them, you know?" muttered carefully. "So restless, unstable, paranoid," sighed, looking away. "I don't like it," whispered in disappointment. I closed my eyes, kissing him hard on the forehead.

"I don't like it either," I confessed honestly, searching for his gaze. Hyuck's honey eyes met mine and they were shining with doubt and anxiety.

"Let's drink it to this work doesn't destroy us," he offered timidly, putoing glass to mine. "So that we can talk about it at home as little as possible, hm?" brunet muttered hesitantly and was right. There was nothing to discuss.

"A very good New Year's resolution, darling," I smiled warmly and he returned it. I drank in the champagne all at once, frowning slightly.

A long break from alcohol regenerated my taste buds, which seemed more sensitive after this kind of rehab. It didn't even taste like it used to be. I put the empty glass back on the desk. Donghyuck took only a sip of his and did the same. He didn't like alcohol very much, so dipped mouth in it only symbolically.

I sighed heavily, taking the boy's face in both of my hands as we faced each other again. I ran thumbs slowly over moles on cheeks, gloating over the knowledge that they belonged only to me. 

That _he_ belongs only to me.

I touched Hyuck's nose lightly with mine, carefully bringing our lips closer together. Then placed a gentle, slow kiss on them, enjoying every second of that calm, unforced closeness. I closed eyes as Donghyuck gently smiled under breath, returning my caress just as subtly.

We kissed for a literally short while. However, this short moment aroused in me hope and dreams related to the coming new year. I wanted it to be our common, successful new year.

I was only afraid that I was dreaming too boldly.

Dreaming too bravely because I don't know what it means to dream.

I've never done this.

"You're barely standing," Donghyuck finally whispered into my worried lips. He combed the hair on the back of my neck with a gentle, smooth gesture, kissing chin one last time. "Come on, I'll cuddle you to sleep."

🖤

**[donghyuck]**

I entered the New Year with many anxieties.

I ran hand through Mark's hair slowly with a steady motion. The boy fell asleep barely his head touched my chest. He was so physically and mentally exhausted that I didn't have to ask what was doing today. The answer was almost self-evident.

He was at Tony's.

His clothes stank of those nasty banquet halls and strong cigars that only Santino Oliveto smoked in this company. And that meant the brothel liquidation had started. Marco had to use Tony's good acquaintance with Santino to buy himself into favors. The Oliveto family had the largest share and inside men in the human trafficking, organ trade on the East Coast and the entire northern United States. If Perez wanted to get rid of his prostitutes, he needed Santino's approval. There was no other way out. Even a stupid and disobedient dog like me knew it.

I sighed heavily, staring at the ceiling.

I've only been to Esposito's banquet once when Minhyung left for Edmonton. All these events seemed to be more or less the same. Lots of slimy old coots telling stories about unfaithful wives who they replace in their dreams with teenagers. Stories about the frustrations of guys in their forties who are strong in business and end up at home under their wives' shoes, so they get them into cheating just to get over the humiliation of submission - preferably with their bodies.

Knowing Mark, he was sitting there and listening to that nonsense, wondering if it was about him. Is he a dumb sucker enslaved by a penis or can he trust me after all. Then he comes in and asks weird questions, hoping deeply that I won't turn out to be a sneaky viper, sucking him out of valuable information that I don't give a shit about.

I have often wondered how long he could hold on to all of this, being so receptive to what he hears.

I wondered how quickly this nasty, slimy mafia machine in which he was completely incapable of functioning would destroy him.

I wondered if I could somehow prevent it in time.

Prevent Mark from falling apart completely in front of my eyes.

🖤

**[minhyung]**

When I woke up in Hyuck's room, the thought that greeted me for a better good morning was _when this boy would finally clean up this terrible clusterfuck_. I sat up in bed, yawning. I rubbed face with free hand, leaving only a grimace of tiredness and sleeplessness.

"Mom, have you seen the car keys?" I heard Hyuck's rushing scream floating up the stairs from below better than singing in the opera.

"She says _no_ ," Ted yelled back to him after a moment and there was silence for a while. It's always been weird about this house. Sound. If not Hyuck arguing with his mom, it's the TV, now Ted.

Always something.

Always buzzing.

Always life.

"Mom, when Minhyung gets up, I made him breakfast and put it in the fridge. Can you heat it up when he wakes up because he doesn't know how to do things like that," Donghyuck added in a hurry as I went to room door.

He was impossible. I woke Hyuck up in the middle of the night and it didn't keep him from getting up early enough to prepare food for me, although he was the one who went to work. I opened the door to try to catch brunet before leaving the house but didn't get a chance. Hyuck was already standing on the doorstep, one foot on the porch. "Be nice to him, please. We're starting the new year today!" he shouted again and then the door slammed.

"How much energy he has in the morning," commented Ted as I stood uncertainly in the corridor. I wondered if I should go downstairs or pretend that I was hibernating by night. "Why don't we go for a walk in the woods when Mark gets up?" Ted asked suddenly and I was shocked that he even knew my name and who I was. Donghyuck never mentioned having any special contact with Ted. The man took on the role of his mother's partner and I thought nothing else was going on in that regard. Apparently I was wrong. "I didn't pay attention but I think he had a scarf," added thoughtfully, probably referring to my boyfriend. I found I had to go down to them. I haven't been at my home. It would be a huge mistake to ignore Haechan's mom, since I planned to get her minimal favors. This year, I was planning to prove Lee Sora that I deserved her son. "It's not that cold, Hyuck is a big boy."

"Good morning," I greeted them as walked hesitantly into the kitchen. Ted smiled kindly and Hyuck's mom gave me a quick glance and nodded. I sat down uncertainly at the table.

"Hi, you missed our sweet little Sunshine," the man laughed happily over the newspaper he was reading. "By the way, what is this restaurant where they make people work in the new year?" he asked indignantly and I just exchanged knowing looks with Donghyuck's mom. To change the subject, she showed me a packet of tea and a can of coffee.

"Tea, please," I said shyly. "Happy New Year," I added right away. She smiled and nodded head.

"Are you working today too?" Ted asked with real concern in voice.

"No, I'm off," I muttered evasively. He was a stranger to me. I had a hard time talking to this man, even if it was just answering simple questions.

"And it should be just like that," said, bettering the glasses on nose. "Are you going for a walk with us after breakfast?" offered and it puzzled me a bit. Did he really know anything about me?

"Thank you," I bowed slightly over the table. "I guess I'll stay and clean Hyuck's room," said, really meaning that. I felt that he didn't know what it meant to clean something up and didn't have a proper clean room pattern in head to make reference. I was planning to spend the evening with Donghyuck anyway, so I might as well wait for him to come back doing something useful.

"He's a messy baby, isn't he?" Ted asked, wrinkling nose.

"A bit like that," admitted, wanting to cut off any conversation.

Saying something turned out to be much harder than carrying it out. I just didn't know where to start cleaning. There were too many things here. To begin with, I sat for almost twenty minutes devising a wonderful plan to restore the Augean stables.

I just started with the desk. Simple solutions are sometimes the best. I put all the writing instruments in the appropriate containers and gathered various strange papers in one binder. There was no point in browsing them because I had no idea what was important and what could be thrown away. I put school textbooks and notebooks on one pile closer to the left edge of the table top. I collected the dirty cups and spoons and took them straight downstairs to the kitchen, taking advantage of Mrs. Lee and Ted being out for a walk.

Then I crouched over the floor. I started picking up Donghyuck's clothes mixed with mine, which he kept wearing and not giving back. Some used tickets, parking bills, shop receipts, more pens, a guitar pick, a biology textbook... almost anything you can dream of. Before I knew it, I had a garbage bag full and a basket of dirty clothes. I put it up in the hallway.

After a moment of rest, I decided to get down to the cardboard boxes with notes and other shit. Hyuck had a really big wardrobe that actually took up the entire left wall of his room. Clothes were stuffed for it and mixed with other things, newspapers, boxes with records, two guitars.

"You fucking dirty..." I whispered under breath, looking at the inside of the wardrobe with hands on hips.

I started slowly pulling Donghyuck's clothes off the shelves. I've never even seen most of those clothes on him. I promised myself that someday, on the occasion of our common free day, I would make him look at these things. Since he wasn't wearing them, he should throw them away or donate to charity. By folding everything as it should be, I freed up a lot of space. I moved the stack of cartons to the center of the room and began sifting through the contents. I didn't believe that all of this was really necessary for Hyuck's life.

The first one was full of sheet music, guitar textbooks and songs, so I didn't feel competent to decide the importance of its content. I just tossed it to the top of the wardrobe.

The second one took me much longer because the memories contained in it and in me aroused different emotions. It was a box of Hyuck's childhood photos. The little devil was just as sweet and seductive as his older version. I put aside a few pictures that I liked the most and decided to ask later if I could just take them. Donghyuck's mom must have enjoyed photographing her son while he was asleep, as the box contained one entire album devoted to the boy and his nocturnal dreaming routine. In between the pictures, I also came across a dictaphone with a marker written on _Mom's lullaby_ but I didn't have the balls to recreate what was there. I met Mrs. Lee mute. It might be uncomfortable for me to discover the sound of her voice. Given that it was in a cardboard box, I believed Hyuck wasn't recreating it either. I also found VHS tapes with Korean titles _skating competition 1984_ , _ice skating lake 1979_ and _Sora's first gold medal_ , so Donghyuck seemed to be sharing this cardboard with mom. Among all the photos, I found only one family photo with Mr. Lee but the sight of his face only made me angry.

The third cardboard box was typical for school and I liked it on average. There were a lot of things that just irritated me. Lots of love letters from Seth to Hyuck. Dozens of envelopes covered with hearts, flowers, kisses. Valentine's Day cards full of sloppy love confessions, some songs celebrating the power of their relationship, photos taken with a Polaroid (with clothes on and without them). Additionally, between the letters there was some grease with an expiration date until March 2017. I wanted to throw this cardboard out the window straight into garbage truck. It was only made worse by a textbook with a college listing and a pre-printed application for the school of arts in New York. There were also old school reports with brilliant grades, diplomas for music and science competitions. It was all starting to hurt too much, so I quickly closed the lid and put the carton in the wardrobe.

The fourth cardboard, however, exhausted me mentally even more. While memories with Seth made Hyuck happy, I was able to accept them. However, I was never able to fully accept his suffering. So, when I saw the X-ray pictures of broken ribs, something died inside me. Numerous discharge from hospitals, tests, referrals to clinics, for rehabilitation. Pictures of hematomas, blue back, grazings. I was starting to wonder how easy it is to destroy everything I found in the other carton in a blink of an eye. How easy it is to take away someone's smile. After all, the worst was not the wounds to which healed form I was already used to. The worst part was something that explained Hyuck's behavior in bed a few weeks ago, when instead of giving in to me, he started to panic and slipped out from underneath me, completely terrified. The first and last time I wanted to take him from behind this way... I held the hospital discharge report in a shaky hand and two short sentences blurred before my eyes.

_Reasonable suspicion of anal sexual abuse. The patient denies._

He was seventeen.

He was then taken to hospital completely unconscious.

I threw the papers into the cardboard box.

Too much.

I slipped the box into the closet and closed it with a bang.

I lay down on the floor, staring at the ceiling. I figured I wouldn't mind if it just collapsed on me right now. Nothing worse could happen to me today anyways...

He was truly terrified then.

Frightened gaze, shallow breath filled with pure panic.

_Not that way. I'm begging you, never again this way_ , he said that memorable night when I understood nothing.

I rubbed tired eyes, realizing I had no idea what time it was. The thought of how many things I still didn't know about my own boyfriend threw me into a spiral where space-time was bending. 

There was only the ceiling and the sun that was fading away from it more and more.

I wasn't angry with Donghyuck.

I was angry with myself.

We were so focused on me and saving our relationship that the boy himself escaped from my sight. Yet Hyuck had problems too. He also had needs that I rarely asked about. It shouldn't be like this.

14:20

5%

I got up reluctantly with an effort from the floor. Battery asked to recharge. I sat on the edge of the bed on the Hyuck's side and bent down to the socket. However, the screen didn't light up. I sighed heavily as rolled over the sheets to the bedside table. I clicked the light switch and it lit up. So there was voltage, nothing happened with the power. I went back to the other side and bettered the cable on my phone. When still nothing happened, I began to feel a little irritated, which was intensified by the impending battery discharge. In a wave of anger, I pressed the charger with all strength into the power point, making a sour face at the same time. Instead of solving the electricity problem, however, something else happened.

The socket popped to the front.

I frowned, gently grasping the edges of the plastic with fingertips. I saw a recess in the wall with a Korean-type input plug.

"What the fuck..." I muttered, setting the phone aside. I touched the holes and the inside of the socket with finger. It seemed real but the other seemed to be real in appearance as well. I ran hand around the wall until I finally tapped it in some strategic places. The space behind the contact seemed empty.

While cleaning Donghyuck's room, I didn't come across any Korean plug equipment. That's why I got up from the bed now and went to the boy's desk because only the drawers in the cupboards weren't my thing. The desk, however, gave me no answer. I turned slowly, sighing heavily with hands on hips. What I haven't checked yet...

_Think, Minhyung. Fucking think._

Eventually my eyes fell on the sneakers box on which stood a pot with a small succulent. I went to the windowsill, carefully put the flower aside and lifted the lid. In the middle between bandages, painkillers, weird injections and patches, I found a charge source with a type C input. It was without a cable, so I just stuck it in, expecting some strange effects. But nothing happened. I took it out, put it in, pressed it - nothing. I combed hair thoughtfully as I studied the contact for a long moment. I didn't want to destroy anything. If Donghyuck hid something in his room, he didn't want anyone to find it. He was sensitive to the smallest details, so even a stupid scratch could tell that I pushed my hands where I shouldn't. I grabbed the charging source gently. First, I wanted to gently twist it to the left but it didn't help. Only when I turned to the right charger did turn of 90 degrees, causing a section of the wall to bounce forward slightly.

I didn't check what was there right away. I was too shocked that something like this had even happened. I began to wonder if I even wanted to know what Donghyuck hid there. I might not be ready for this at all.

What if I see something and I can't act normally afterwards?

What if there is something in the wall that will make things with no turning back? Something I'll have to confront Hyuck with?

What if Donghyuck is hiding something after seeing which we won't be able to be together any longer?

I was afraid of it, I didn't want to risk anything with this discovery. I also knew that if I didn't check what was behind this socket, I would be constantly thinking about it. Therefore, I carefully stretched hand towards the source charger and pulled it towards me.

I hadn't realized that I was holding the air in my lungs so tense until I let it out, relieved to see that there was only a gun at the bottom of the hiding place. I laughed to myself, shaking head. Stupid gun, nothing more. Nothing shocking or crazy or secret. An ordinary gun.

I dropped back on the mattress, staring at the ceiling again. After all, something in my head was bothering me. Donghyuck's mom knew her son worked for the mafia. I, as his boyfriend, worked in the same mafia. Donghyuck didn't need to hide the gun. After all, possession is legal. I furrowed eyebrows as sat up. I leaned over the cache once more and focused carefully on its contents.

I didn't know why he hid the gun in such a strange place.

I also didn't know what he was going to do with it.

But I knew one thing.

It wasn't the weapon we used at the company.

It wasn't our phone either.

🖤

**[donghyuck]**

When I got home, mom and Ted were hugging each other on the couch before the replay of the World Figure Skating Championships. Minhyung's shoes were still in the hallway, so I just smiled under breath, concluding that all the people that matter to me are now in one place - safe. There has been nothing more important to me lately than the illusion that we all live in a beautiful, peaceful soap bubble without hate, violence, aggression and the eternal uncertainty of tomorrow.

I exchanged a few words with the adults downstairs and made way slowly upstairs to my kid. Mom said he sat upstairs all day cleaning room and then suddenly fell silent and didn't even go to the toilet. If he did the cleaning, I wasn't surprised he had stopped going out. He was probably dead somewhere under a pile of rubbish that had spilled over him from the closet.

Minhyung, however, was lying on the bed, hugging the huge teddy bear Seth gave me after losing the state basketball championship. The bear holding the ball was a consolation prize for pissed off players. I entered the room slowly, looking around in amazement. Closing the door carefully, I couldn't shake the shock of cleanliness and order. I straddled chair carefully, feeling that I was having a small heart attack. I rested chin on the back of chair and looked at Mark with a smile.

"What are you thinking about?" he finally asked with eyes closed.

"That I would like that every day," confessed honestly. I dreamed that the rest of the year was as disgustingly blissful and peaceful as its first day.

"To keep the room clean?" Minhyung muttered mockingly, tossing the teddy bear aside. He looked at me sleepily and tapped the blanket beside him. I started laughing. I climbed slowly onto the bed, trying to worthily replace my plush predecessor.

"To be with you in such a disgustingly ordinary way," I whispered as cuddled up to the boy. Minhyung put arm around me, sighing heavily. There was a moment of silence between us.

"Did you know I was awake?" asked after listening to our quiet breathing for a while.

"I already told you that you breathe differently when you sleep," I replied, sliding socked feet between Mark's bare. "I'm glad you stayed," confessed. I wasn't sure if I would find him here when I got back. When he arrived after the banquet, there was no time to arrange such things and when I left for work in the morning, the black-haired was still asleep. We didn't even call each other after that.

"Me too," he said, pushing hair back behind my ear. "I found a million interesting things while cleaning," he whispered suddenly, then kissed the forehead.

"What kind of things?" I wondered, glancing at the boy. I haven't cleaned here for so long that I didn't quite know what I had where. Minhyung ran finger slowly down my nose, purring thoughtfully.

"2017 expired lube," he finally said with a serious face and I burst out laughing.

"Now, am I supposed to pretend I never had sex before you?" I asked, giving him a quick kiss.

"Why?" denied, not quite sharing my amusement. I guess he was still very tired from yesterday's banquet and cleaning up today. "How did you lose your virginity?" he asked suddenly, completely baffling me. I looked at him with raised eyebrows.

"You went quickly from cleaning the room to such things, I can see," I muttered, studying him closely.

"I'm just curious," Mark shrugged and rolled over from side to back. I swung leg through his waistband, propping head on bent arm so I could see him clearly.

"After Seth's band rehearsal..." I finally said, avoiding Minhyung's eyes. It felt weird telling him about another guy. A guy he didn't like terribly. "On the couch in his garage," I added, plucking at the edge of the boy's shirt.

"How old were you then, Donghyuck?" he asked, studying me intently as if the question of whether or not I had sex at legal age was extremely important.

"Sixteen," I said calmly, exchanging long glances with Mark. "We've been waiting an awfully long time with this," I added after a moment. We had been in a relationship for two years then and yet nothing had ever happened between us before. "But he was very delicate. It hurt a lot but he was gentle every time," I assured Minhyung because it seemed to me that this strange question was driven mainly by this conclusion. Although I wasn't sure actually. His eyes sent conflicting signals to me today. "Not like you, brute," I smiled slightly under breath, slapping him lightly on the shoulder with fist. I jokingly wanted to relax the specific atmosphere between us.

"I can be as gentle as you wish," he said unexpectedly, grabbing hand that poked him. "You know, only one word of yours and I'll be as gentle as I can," assured really seriously, pressing fingers tightly on mine.

"What so suddenly today..." I started hesitantly, somehow feeling lost. "You're gentle when you have to," assured, smiling hesitantly. I grabbed the corner of his mouth lightly and pushed fingernail upwards to cheer him up a bit and show that there is nothing to be so serious about it. Mark rolled eyes and tried to bite finger forcing him to smile. I laughed as watched struggle. "You read my body well. Don't worry about any of these things," I whispered, kissing him lightly on the nose and then on the cheek and chin. "Seth could only be gentle."

"That's a flaw?" asked curiously. I shrugged.

"Not necessarily," denied. "I guess it depends. It suited me well because that was what I needed back then," I said carefully, reflecting on it myself. Seth is a loved, affectionate man from whom I expected this tenderness and love. Mark is definitely more complicated but life changed me too. It changed my priorities and needs a lot. Everything changed over time.

"What do you mean?" he asked, not understanding much of it.

"Hmm..." I muttered, running thumb over Mark's lower lip. "I like it when you take me hard... I like it when you make me scream, that I burn..." whispered after a moment's thought. "I don't know. I like it like that. Now I prefer that way," I said, concluding that my sexual relationship with Mark is the golden mean of my needs at this stage in life. "Sex with Seth was just fine. And when we're together... You know what I'm talking about? " I asked with an embarrassed smile.

"I guess so," he confirmed, running hand along the lines of my body to final destination, which was butt.

"You're a savage in bed, Mark," I muttered coquettishly, running nose along the line of his jaw. "I love it about you."

"You're the reason I am like this," he said, slapping me hard. I wrinkled nose at the blow as it wasn't too gentle. "I don't know what you're doing to me either but never in my entire life have I felt the urge to suddenly undress someone like when I look at you. You make me such a savage," confessed almost reproachfully, as if I had turned him into some freak of nature, which he became through sexual intercourse.

"So that's just how we affect each other. Good to know ", I admitted, recognizing that it was actually good to have something so special exclusively. "And what was your first?" I asked, coming to the conclusion that I didn't know much about all Minhyung's partners.

"Experimental edition with Izzy," he sighed heavily, as if the mere mention of the girl was irritating. I concluded that they still didn't talk to each other. "Thanks to her, I quickly realized that I was gay. It was pretty unsuccessful because I wasn't really attracted to all those tits and vaginas." grimaced in disgust and I started laughing. "With Luke it was also rather gentle. He was quiet in bed," Mark muttered under breath, as if more to himself than to me. Finally our eyes met and we exchanged smiles. "He didn't wake up neighbors like you," Minhyung added unexpectedly, leaning forward to kiss me. I put arms around his neck as boy slid on top of me, turning on back.

"You like it when I wake up the neighbors," I muttered between kisses.

"I love it when you wake them up," he admitted shamelessly.

We kissed for a while - neither hastily nor excessively slow. Minhyung apparently wanted to prove to me that he can be tender and subtle, that he can stop violent reflexes. However, he didn't have to prove it to me. After all, I knew him perfectly well, I knew that he can.

But I let him lead today.

I let him do things own way.

"I see you know what we haven't done this year yet," I joked as man undid the button on my pants. Mark smiled as slowly slid them off my buttocks.

"I love your body, Donghyuck," muttered, lips against my neck. I sank fingers into that pitch black hair, tilting head back as Mark's hand fell into my panties.

"Caress it as much as you want, it's yours only," I whispered hastily, pulling the boy's shirt from the bottom over head. I just prayed that Ted wouldn't decide to offer us anything to eat or take a night out for. My mom had found us in bed a couple of times but Ted was a complete newbie to our relationship. I felt discomfort at the thought of seeing us naked. "Oh, Hyungie..." I muttered, wrapping legs tightly around his waist as Mark's fingers tightened around my buttocks. I ran nails the length of boy's back, wondering what he was planning for me today. Will he go all the way or look for the golden mean of our relationship? It was hard to judge at this stage. When my phone started ringing, I quickly felt it with my hand and checked the caller's details. "Something important?" I asked without any unnecessary greeting.

"Not necessarily," Steven said hesitantly, then completed the statement with a question. "Are you fucking?"

"What, you wanna hear me moan in the earphone?" I asked, laughing as I saw Minhyung's incredulous gaze above me.

"Goodbye, Donghyuck," Steven said seriously and quickly hung up.

"You're a devil" Mark shook head from side to side, bettering hands on my hips.

"I'm not denying..." I muttered playfully, happily taking boy's lips back on me.


	55. Bumblebee

**[january 2021]**

**[minhyung]**

The daughters of the influential mafias are really picky and indecisive women. Claudia Esposito has been choosing nail polish for so long that in that time I would have been able to produce my own shade and enter the market with new eyeshadow palette. I felt that the very fact that we shared space together for such a long time seemed to slowly become suspicious. So I tactically pulled out phone to make the call.

"Snow lover speaking. How can I help you?" I heard Hyuck's joyful voice and smiled. Ted was right about one thing. Donghyuck really was the sun.

"Would you like to spend lazy afternoon in my company, snow lover?" I asked, trying to be spontaneous when looking across perfumes. But my heart was fluttering nervously and it wasn't because of Claudia.

"Mr. Lee, is this a date?" he asked in amazement and I began to think hard about it.

"Dating can be done at home?" I was surprised, not knowing if he was teasing me right now or if he was serious. "It counts, right?" made sure when boy started laughing, muttering that he has such cute boyfriend. I rolled eyes.

"Of course it can," Hyuck assured patiently and calmly, as if talking to a tiny child. "A date is when you call it a date and you'll provide the right atmosphere," he explained and I nodded in response as a sign that I understood, though the boy couldn't see it. However, I took all his advice very seriously. He had more experience in this field. After all, Donghyuck was a master of flirting and romanticism.

"Well then a date," I confirmed with relief that I finally managed to initiate something myself. Almost. The last time we went on a date was at the cinema. Then I completely freaked out and made a decision that I won't suggest Hyuck to do something together if that would make him laugh at me.

"Great, I'll come over," brunet said cheerfully. "But Hyungie?" muttered seductively into the phone. Little devil. Before my eyes I saw his provocative expression.

"What is it, snow maiden?" sighed heavily as I left the store. Claudia finally chose the polish and went to the checkout. According to the informant, her next step should be a parking lot and that's where I decided to wait for her.

"Are you aware that on dates lazy afternoon also extends to a romantic evening and a dirty night?" he asked flirtatiously, with mild amusement. He teased me as usual.

"What about a sweet morning?" I asked in a similar tone but guess it didn't work out because Hyuck burst out laughing.

"Sweet one is you," boy sighed heavily, probably shaking head regretfully. He always did that when I was trying to act tough with affairs of the heart that I still didn't know much about. "But I'm ordering a sweet morning in a romantic set..." lowered voice to a whisper unexpectedly but Steven's talking in the distance immediately explained why he did it.

"Lee, if you want to provide sex over the phone while you work, I want Marco's permission in writing from you to do so."

"Oh fuck you, asshole" Donghyuck replied suddenly with a laugh. "Gotta go, Hyungie. See you on a lazy afternoon," said goodbye quickly and hung up right away without even waiting for my reply.

I sighed heavily as pulled the hood of sweatshirt over head. I put on a black mask and gloves. Dating boyfriend was a fun activity. But around the corner was the sad reality that was the mafia and its dirty little things.

Claudia Esposito was just such a thing.

The dualism of our reality frightened me at times and made me question human nature. How plastic was it?

About boundaries. What are they and where are they?

About humanity. Is it a flowing or a solid construct?

About time. How much do we have?

About love. Do we have the right to it?

About ourselves. Who exactly are we?

🖤

**[donghyuck]**

Violet Evergarden is an animation that I liked to come back to sometimes after training in the woods, when I used to sit down to my laptop drunk and turn on all sorts of weird stuff to de-stress myself. Once upon a time, I identified with her character. Abandoned and nameless, found by an officer training her to be a killing weapon. Later, the officer gave it as a tool, like a rag doll, to his brother to be useful to him in the war. Instead of treating her objectively like an animal, Gilbert taught the basics of human existence and gave her a name - Violet, so that she would be able to bloom like a beautiful flower in adulthood. When they went to war, Violet protected him with her own body during the shelling. The last words she heard from Gilbert before the explosion were _I love you_. Words she didn't understand and whose meaning she tried to find out over the course of the show. With Minhyung, this animation took on a completely new meaning, it triggered a different point of view on the story of this girl.

"Did you choose it on purpose?" he asked after two episodes as we both sat under the blanket on the couch.

"A little" said hesitantly because I really did it unconsciously. I just wanted to see it with someone. However, was shocked at how much it relates to both of us. "You're not as tragic as she is," added after a moment to ease the mood. I didn't want him to state that I did it on purpose and make fun of his emotional underdevelopment.

"Thanks," laughed softly under breath, pulling me closer. I clung to Minhyung's side like ivy to the wall of a building. It was one of those strange days when I needed his warmth more than usual. The boy didn't seem to mind. He wrapped arms around me tightly and occasionally nibbled on the tangled fibers of my sweater.

"Would you love me if I was a killing weapon?" I asked hesitantly, almost neutral, but the truth was my heart was beating like crazy. For many different reasons.

"This is just an anime, Hyuckie," Minhyung stated commonsensically. After all, the boy's tone was not so neutral anymore. I didn't know if it should alert me or if I was just oversensitive and it was a coincidence. "Don't tune into it too much" added, kissing my head. But he didn't take eyes off the screen.

"I'm just asking hypothetically," I muttered uncertainly, flattening cheek on Minhyung's shoulder. I always felt stupid when I tried so childishly to test the limits of a boy's feelings. So far, I haven't given him reasons to define these boundaries but so far there have also been no situations that would force him to find an answer to my question. However, various sayings of the world say that the new year brings new opportunities and the air in the company has changed recently. Mafia change has never meant anything pleasant and peaceful. Perez was a supporter of quick and violent ventures. My natural reaction was fear.

"Have you stopped loving me because I wasn't able to tell you that I love you too?" he answered my question with a question. Although the subject was serious, I couldn't stop the wave of warmth that was pouring through my interior. Minhyung talking about love was still like an unblocked character to me.

"Never," I whispered, glancing at him uncertainly. The boy smiled under breath.

"Then you have the answer," he replied calmly, brushing finger aside the hair that was already entering my eyes. The barber waited and sharpened the scissors. Nevertheless, Mark said he loved my slightly longer hair, so I didn't do anything with it.

"What have you been doing today, Hyungie?" I finally asked about something that had been bothering me from the moment the boy entered the apartment, bringing a strange smell to me. Another, foreign fragrance this year. Marco wasted no time. He was getting into new commitments, to which he used my boyfriend brazenly as a show mascot. I felt like vomiting.

"I shouldn't be telling you this..." he replied sincerely after a moment's hesitation. I didn't want to create a conflict of loyalty within him. However, it was not about exactly what, with whom and why, but about the outline of the day. I put hand gently on his thigh.

"Could you make an exception?" I asked, probably revealing that this information was really a special priority for me. But it was all about Minhyung's safety and a signal to me whether I still have some time or should I speed up the construction of my contingency plan.

"Why do you care?" he asked, sighing heavily and stopped the show. I think I just ruined our date. But there were priorities and the frequency with which Minhyung went out to banquets recently, made me realize that our time is running out and if I don't react in time, Mark will eventually be single and have another dead boyfriend in memoir.

"Because I'm worried about you," I said quite honestly. I was fighting for both of us at this point. I couldn't predict what would happen to Minhyung when I won't be there one day. He was slowly going out of the woods but I couldn't say with 100% certainty now that it would stay that way if I suddenly disappeared. "My head is giving me strange thoughts," I sighed, tilting head back. I looked up at the ceiling for an answer. Life from day to day ceased to be a good solution when it came to love. Man automatically shifts from the _here and now_ to the perspective of the future. Therefore, relationships in the mafia should be avoided. Everything was getting complicated.

"What thoughts, honey?" Minhyung was surprised looking at me intently. Boy ran finger slowly along my nose, kissing the tip gently at the end. I sighed with affection and annoyance at the same time, frowning.

"You don't trust me or what?" I huffed childishly, looking at the boy expectantly. Minhyung rolled eyes.

"It's not that..." he muttered, looking away. I already knew that pressing on was pointless. I had to make my suspicions known and wait for confirmation or denial.

"You reek of women's perfume, Minhyung," I said seriously, watching his reactions. After a moment of reflection, however, panic appeared on Mark's face. As always, his mind wandered off in the wrong direction.

"Don't tell me you think that..." he began to say under stress but I cut him off. There was no need to waste time on a blind lead.

"Smell too strong for cheat but just right for a drugstore," I explained quickly. Mark frowned. "Has the test of security tightness started?" I asked directly, wanting to know the answer and close the topic of the work that only irritated me.

"How do you know?" he asked, shocked.

"Made a guess" honestly admitted, although I didn't have much choice either. "You'll give me your phone, huh? I want to know where you're going if we're not together," I said rather hesitantly. I didn't want to simply give him reasons to suspect me of getting company secrets out of him. The surveillance mania was able to spread faster than the killer virus and claimed more victims.

Friend mafias often do each other favors. In this case, they checked how tight their protection was. The head of the mafia selected one of his family members and identified him as a potential victim of the attack without his knowledge and without the knowledge of his bodyguards, who were expecting nothing. The inspection seemed routine, with no major casualties. It was always done by friendly mafias who did serious business together. If security prove to be weak, these mafias have ties that will kill anyone who knows about that weakness. Everything stays in the family and the weak die in the process.

"What are you going to do with it?" he asked, handing me the phone without the slightest sign of protest. I shook head in denial to indicate that I wouldn't be doing this in this second and that he could slip it back into pocket.

"I will put something on your phone that will work whether the phone is on or off," I explained roundaboutly because I wasn't that good at it. "Just have it always with you, okay?" I asked, placing a hand on Mark's chest. Minhyung looked at me with doubts and questions. I scratched boy lightly against the fabric of sweatshirt to loosen up the atmosphere between us.

"Since when do you know such things?" he finally asked, though looked as if he didn't want to know the answer at all.

"I know people who know people who know people who know that stuff," I muttered with amusement, as if I was joking. Mark didn't need to know how true that statement was. Lying for the sake of someone else's good in my vocabulary was not a lie, only the exception to the rule.

"You don't exaggerate?" Minhyung wondered aloud doubtfully. He slowly grabbed my face in both hands and began to gently run thumbs down my cheeks.

"Since you're checking someone, that someone will eventually check you, baby..." I explained worriedly, pressing fingers on Hyung's wrists. He knew I was right. He knew what the consequences were for the security guards who failed the tightness test.

We looked at each other for a while, drowning in problems without definition. We both knew something was wrong but neither of us had the courage to say it out loud. We fell into the trap of pretending that everything was fine to avoid potential arguments that could have spoiled our relationship. We were afraid of answering questions that sowed doubts for one another.

Doubts destroyed relationships.

Suspicion broke the soap bubbles of people's lives.

And we really didn't want our bubble to burst.

We were slaves to our own fairy tale.

Or rather, its alternative scenario, which we really wanted to implement.

"Could I be in danger with you by my side?" Mark smiled skeptically under breath. Arranging documents in the basement and following people - according to him, I was only good for that. On the one hand, I wanted to correct him and on the other hand, it suited me very well. Sometimes ignorance was better than excess. Besides, I simply liked to be treated by him like a delicate flower that needs to be protected from too strong gusts of wind.

Maybe it was better that way?

Maybe it was easier that way?

I looked down.

"I think when it gets close, you'll get someone to replace me," I whispered uncertainly. For many reasons, I knew it would be just like that. I was ready for it. I waited and hoped to spot Marco's movement in time for this maneuver. Otherwise it will be too late for me.

"Where does this thought come from?" he asked quietly, still living in his world which only considered the danger in the outside world. A world that denied the existence of a much greater evil right under his unaware nose.

"Because they will test me beforehand and find out that I wouldn't let you go with them anywhere," I said perversely, once again wrapping the complete truth in a veil of joke. Minhyung laughed and shook head in disbelief.

"I have a condition," he said, brushing my hair slowly with a graceful gesture. "I want to know where you are too," he said and I cursed silently. I took this into account but didn't think the request would really come up. Even Minhyung's dominance had some limits because he usually respected my freedom. Meanwhile, I wanted to take his. This led to a request for reciprocity.

"But I'll be fine, baby," I laughed, looking at him with pity. I decided to draw the card of my helplessness, dependence and lack of private life as a last resort. If Mark got access to my location, I would have to come up with a whole new plan to get around that hurdle. I was doing things he simply couldn't know. At least not yet.

"You never know..." Minhyung shrugged and I already knew I had lost this fight. I had to make this uncomfortable compromise.

"Admit it, you just pathologically want to control me," I laughed, sticking forehead out for the kiss I got without hesitation. There was no choice. I had to remake my panic and disappointment into a quick flirt.

"I won't even try to lie; you're better than a fucking polygraph," the boy said cheerfully, accepting the silent offer of a smooth return to his date without unnecessary protests.

"Okay, I agree - control me," I murmured, pulling him to mouth by neck. Minhyung pressed lips tightly to mine, only then making me realize how much he was thirsty for this closeness. "Dominate," I whispered between kisses, sliding into Mark's lap. The boy laughed and hands on my body began to adjust to the movements I was making.

"I'm supposed to dominate you but I am the one Steven calls a henpecked husband," Minhyung suddenly said, slowly pulling off my sweater. That black mark hurt him incredibly but you can't argue with the facts. We both knew he can't say simple _no_ to me and in most cases I always got everything my way.

"How lovely," I sighed softly as Minhyung's lips were on my neck just underneath the line of electrified hair because of the sweater.

"I'm not convinced," he murmured and I started taking off his sweatshirt. Surprisingly, there was nothing under it. My hands touched the warm, bare skin of boy's chest immediately. "How am I to be respected when I have the label of the pussy?" he asked almost indignantly that this approach to me was spoiling image. _I'm sorry; the art of choice, sweetheart_.

"No one but me knows that you can be so cute," I muttered in his ear, tinkering with fingers on the belt. I didn't understand what he was wearing it for, since we had both agreed that sex is on the menu for afternoon tea. "I won't reveal your plush side to anyone," I chuckled as Mark laid me on back.

"Donghyuck, you cunning little devil," boy sighed in disbelief, noticing that his pants were already at knees.

"Are you ready to get out of the romantic evening stage?" I asked, pulling his hair slightly backwards.

"Every night is dirty with you," Minhyung muttered, lacing our fingers together. "Let's start it."

🖤

**[minhyung]**

"Do you have family in Korea?" I asked, running fingers down Donghyuck's back, lost in the maze of his scars and slashes.

My thoughts were still on the weapon I found in his room. It was bothering me, so I just checked this out. Gun was Korean. Where did Hyuck get it from? I had no idea but it was just weird. No mafia here had such a weapon. Boy didn't leave the country, so he had to buy it on the spot, there was no other option. If not the mafia, then some shady private business somewhere in the sewage system or on other outskirts of cities. I simply couldn't follow Hyuck, it was pointless. Already at the beginning of our acquaintance, he made me realize that it is simply impossible. Asking Steven about this weapon was also risky, since I didn't even know what exactly I was looking for and what I suspected my own boyfriend of. I was a bit lost in all of this. I didn't want to argue when I didn't even know the reason, the cause, anything. Paradoxically, the closer we got, the more alien and unattainable Donghyuck seemed.

"I've got granny," brunet murmured calmly, listening to my heartbeat with eyes closed. For some reason, he really liked doing it. "But she's from the father's side," added after a moment, crossing that off my list of suspects. So there is no family in our home country.

"I understand..."

"And you?" he asked softly, sniffing lightly. Only recently did he recover from a terrible cold. I hated when he was sick. In most cases, it meant arguing about staying home, while he thought he was fine and going to work, although he could barely stand on his feet due to the fever. These were the few moments when I simply raised my voice at him and used force when necessary.

"Same," I said, pulling the duvet over his bare shoulders. My apartment always felt much colder than it really was when Hyuck was ill. "So we have no contact either," I sighed heavily at the very thought of my family. "Have you ever thought about going back there?" I asked completely out of curiosity. We very rarely talked about our parents' homeland; our homeland, in fact, too.

"To Korea? Never," he said without hesitating as reluctantly sat down beside me. "After all, we both grew up here. What do we have in common with this country apart from language?" Hyuck asked, swinging leg over my body to the other side. Boy slipped foot under the pillow on which I was lying. I also pulled myself up slightly.

"Kind of right..." I sighed, instinctively running hand over Hyuck's calf. His legs were driving me crazy. Especially when he was stretching on the bed in such a strange way. "But I've always wondered what it would be like to live so completely in this culture. Not only at home," I shrugged, handing him my sweatshirt thrown somewhere casually by the bed. A bare ass under the covers was always less likely to catch a cold than bare shoulders without a duvet.

"Hmm... I don't know..." he muttered, not arguing for the first time with me when I was doing what he referred to as _being overprotective_. "At school, I pretended I didn't know Korean," he laughed at the memory, taking my free hand between his tucked in sleeves. "I didn't want to hang out with kids of the same... racial status. I was afraid of being excluded," he said calmly and it was probably the first time that we talked about his school longer than the casual information about attendance or how much he has been studying at last year.

"You managed to keep it a secret for so many years?" I was surprised. I knew he was amazing, but I didn't suspect it to that point.

"No..." Hyuck shook head with an embarrassed smile as looked at me with amused, glowing eyes. I loved talking to him like that - at night, fresh after sex and a quick / long shower. It was more intimate then, somehow more honest and deep. I didn't quite understand it but I once told Donghyuck about that and he agreed with me so that is how we started the strange tradition of the post-sex conversation cycle.

"Tell me something more about it," I asked, finally placing shifting hand on the shin and the other on the thigh of the boy's second, bent cross leg. Donghyuck's legs were everywhere. 

Legs. 

Legs. 

Legs. 

You can go crazy.

"Hmm... When my parents moved here, they didn't know much about language. Even when I was a teenager, my mother preferred to speak Korean. She still prefers." Hyuck looked at me knowingly and I nodded. Donghyuck actually communicated with his mother only in Korean. But it was the same at my house, so it didn't surprise me too much. Only we somehow didn't stick to this principle, as if we were a generation of traitors to the homeland of our ancestors. "So we always spoke that language when she called. A friend from the music club caught me... His name was Taylor," he said carefully, as if didn't really want to say the name out loud, or if for some reason now it was on tongue differently than during school days. "He said _what a fluent Korean, American boy_ ," he laughed brightly at the memory and I also thought that maybe I was just too sensitive to the changes in his voice. "It was funny in that context, you know..." he mused, waving hand in front of face as if searching for the right word. "Taylor is black," he finally explained bluntly, putting aside political correctness.

"Got it," I laughed, patting him lightly on the inside of thigh.

"Em... I actually had only one Korean friend in high school, when I think about it," he continued after a moment's thought, scratching the side of head. "His name was Johnny, probably a policeman now," waved hand as if it wasn't some important detail in his life. "So he's on the other side of the force."

"Are you in contact with him?" I thought, thinking back to the gun for a moment. There were a lot of corrupted policemen in New York. The issues of race similarity in such cases only worked to the upside. Donghyuck, however, wrinkled nose and shook head in denial.

"It was Seth's teammate on the basketball team. We didn't know each other that well," he explained carefully and hesitantly, knowing full well how the name affected me. Like a red rag to a bull. "Isabelle stopped to giving you the silent treatment?" boy changed the subject quickly but I didn't know if it was better. I think I preferred Seth after all.

"No," I sighed heavily. "No Christmas wishes, no New Year wishes, no everything," said, rubbing face with hand. This girl was as stubborn as a fucking mule. She killed every attempt I made to contact her.

"Sorry," the brunet whispered unexpectedly, playing with the fingers of my hand between his legs.

"Hey, Donghyuck" I quickly intervened, lifting boy's chin with finger to make him look at me. "It's all my fault. Totally mine. I deserved it and I will take it bravely now," I assured Hyuck, not understanding why he was blaming himself for anything about my relationship with Izzy. "If I wasn't a complete moron, this would not be the case. In life, don't take any of this on yourself. Okay?" I muttered questioningly and he quickly nodded, biting lower lip. It's true that our argument together resulted in Isabelle's cool silence but I was responsible for the argument. If it weren't for me and my mistakes, it would never have been this way.

"Okay," he agreed, curling up beside my side. As usual, I made sure he was covered well with the duvet.

"On my way to work I was passing some kindergarten or something like that" I started a new topic, resting cheek on the top of Hyuck's head pressed against my neck. "The kids were doing some exhibit for a day of ecology or some kind of Earth Day," I muttered casually. I was surprised that it was winter and the kindergarten teachers found it a great time for a manifestation of love to nature for children up to five years old. But maybe they were some crazy girls doing after hours for Greenpeace.

"Lovely" Hyuck muttered skeptically under breath, trying to discreetly yawn.

"Kind of..." I laughed, rubbing boy's arm quickly. He was cute. "I saw a picture of ants surrounding a bumblebee with flowers..." I began the story further, pursuing a specific goal with it. However, Donghyuck only lengthened its accomplishment with a million things that he usually had to interject.

"Pink ones?" asked sleepily, sweatshirt sleeve pressed against mouth. I grunted in agreement.

"Don't salivate it, for god's sake," I scolded him, rolling sleeve up. What a strange habit... Hyuck should chew his own sweatshirts. If not the hood strings, then the sleeves' edges... gross.

"I read an article about it," he explained, watching me fold the material with quick strokes.

"Article?" I was surprised. "Why write an article about something like this? The world is fucked up," sighed heavily, placing his hand back on my chest.

"Woman thought the ants made a funeral for this bee," he continued, slipping fingers into my hair. Apparently he must have been playing with something today. "And some wise old owls said it is nice that people were so eagerly looking for such emotions in ants but unfortunately it is about survival and some deposits of sugar or other things that come out of such a body posthumously. So no emotions, good lady, only the survival instinct, the economy of life."

"That sucks" I concluded, refusing to admit that this was the first time I was in this group of naïve people who believeed in the good of nature. Though I think Donghyuck sensed it even on the verge of sleep. He always sensed.

"Kind of..." he muttered, parroting my tone of voice when I said the same thing before.

"What have you got with this mocking me?" I asked incredulously, tickling him strategically in the groin area. Donghyuck laughed as he grabbed my hand immediately.

"You irritate so cutely when you're in a good mood," he choked out with a broad smile on lips, leaning out to kiss me gently on the cheek.

"And if I'm not in the mood?" I asked, grabbing Hyuck chin before he could pull away. I slowly pressed our lips together for a long moment, purring in satisfaction.

"Then you're tragically unattractive but still annoyed," laughed, lips still pressed against mine and body already in that starting position - reclining on my chest with bent leg against my hips. I shook head in disbelief, placing hand on the boy's knee.

"But going back to this picture, I was still wondering what a funny word this is" I took up the topic again, really wanting to finish what I had in head. Today I needed the face of Hyuck looking at me like the embarrassing idiot in love, which of course I was. "Bumblebee."

"Bumblebee," he repeated intently, staring deeply into my eyes until it felt stuffy all around me and I felt faint. "Indeed," admitted in a whisper that suggested to me that Donghyuck already knew that I was heading for something stupid and embarrassing with this lecture but he doesn't know what it is yet. "Bumblebee" repeated after a moment of exchanging glances wandering the corners of our faces.

"There was a picture of a living one next to it," I finally said and Hyuck bit lower lip, barely holding back a laugh. He nodded in false appreciation as slowly combed my hair from the top of head to the back.

"Living bumblebee?" boy asked with a mockingly exaggerated shock. "Unbelievable, Minhyung. What a story," gasped excitedly, then started laughing out loud as I dug fingers firmly into his buttock. "Whoa, asshole!" Hyuck shouted, still struggling with amusement. He finally hid face between my neck and the pillow, simulating a loud cry of pure despair. "Mom was right about you," he muttered, still chuckling amidst mock waves of tears of despair. I shook head in disbelief. And it was me who acted like a child sometimes? I don't think Donghyck looked at himself in the mirror in a long time.

"Fuck off, you're destroying everything," I grunted under breath as he straddled me and tried to forcefully kiss in agreement. I wasn't that corruptible, no way.

"It's not my fault you suck at telling stories," Hyuck finally said, staring down at me when the kiss attempt failed. I raised eyebrows as pulled myself into a semi-sitting position. "What about that bumblebee?" boy asked, sighing heavily as he saw my hurt expression. Brunet grabbed my hands and placed them on his hips. He knew perfectly well that I loved keeping them there when he was sitting on me like this. Dodger. "Go on," muttered impatiently, bouncing slightly at me. I was still skeptical. Now that story didn't make any sense anymore. It completely lost charm due to silly jokes. "I'm curious, I promise," he whispered ingratiatingly, laying full body against my chest. I sighed heavily, slowly moving hands up from his shapely butt up under shoulder blades. Well, I didn't know how to get angry when he acted this way. I fully deserved the nickname Seven had given me. I was a fucking henpecked husband. I couldn't help it.

"There was a bumblebee, all immersed in the cup of a large flower and only such a plump bottom stuck out all in pollen," I whispered in a tone as if was telling child a bedtime story. Except that my toddler was twenty-year-old Donghyuck and my thumbs made a very not parental-like circles on his buttocks.

"What is the moral of the story, Mr. Lee?" brunet asked calmly as traced finger through my chest. He was slowly drawing a pattern only known to him.

"None," I sighed heavily, taking boy's hand. I closed his finger in fist. "I just thought: _Lee Donghyuck, for God's sake. What are you doing in this flower?_ " I finished the story, squeezing eyes shut in the embarrassment that hit me with a powerful wave. It sounded much better in head before I said it aloud. I guess nothing so hopeless has left my mouth in whole life. Even Donghyuck rose in awe as he looked at me with a vague expression on face. He finally pursed lips, visibly fighting the inner demon that made him taunt me now. When he finally laughed, I put arm over eyes, unable to bear the embarrassment of what I had done. Hyuck, however, grabbed my wrist and pulled hand over face.

"You're so cute, Hyungie, I swear," he murmured, kissing me hard and still laughing. "I can't stand how cute sometimes," added after a moment and finally I started laughing myself.

I grabbed Donghyuck by the back of neck and pulled closer to forget what I'd just done. I guess I was losing my mind. Even though I only told once that I loved him, it felt like it took my brain after saying it out loud. I was no longer able to think about anything else but this love and the person I had bestowed on it. Feeling strange, pleasant and scary at the same time. I began to understand why my body was defending itself against this for so long. Love was like a toxin - it infected the brain and every cell in the body, taking complete control.

I rolled the boy onto back, covering him with body. I needed to remember what it was like to dominate Donghyuck in bed, because apart from it, this dominance completely disappeared somewhere and I became Hyuck's subordinate. We kissed, laughing stupidly from time to time. I didn't know yet how long this story would stay with us but I felt that this bedding wouldn't let us forget about it quickly.

"End of these caresses, Hyungie," Donghyuck gasped at last, pushing us away from each other. "Tomorrow we're going to work and if you make me tick, I won't let us sleep anymore," he laughed, giving me one last, long and sweet kiss. I sighed heavily, moving away from brunet literally a few centimeters. I moved hand from the boy's hip to waist, stopping right next to the rolled up sweatshirt. Since when was he so rational about lust? I couldn't be near him. "You know what, honey?" he started suddenly with a smile and I already knew that if he didn't jibe me before going to dreamland, he would literally not fucking fall asleep. I sighed heavily, looking at his flushed face and hair scattered all over the sheets.

"What?" I asked without a bit of enthusiasm. I decided to wait for the blow dealt to my manhood and the remnants of dignity.

"I recently saw a video of a girl filming her guy training in the garden cuddling," laughed and I rolled eyes, feeling shoulders wear out from hanging over him, so I fell heavily on back right next to boy. Hyuck changed position very quickly, throwing shapely leg over me, then rested head on arm bent at the elbow and looked at me with eyes glowing with pure joy. "And I thought, _Lee Minhyung, for God's sake, what are you doing in someone else's garden?_ " he waved hand in surprise, as if was asking me the question and was the author of the recording. I gave him an extremely disgusted look.

"Very funny, Donghyuck," I muttered, lips tightly pressed together as I slapped his butt with all my might until there was an echo of a loud slap across the apartment. "It just blows my lungs out of laughter," I added, retaking movement immediately when, instead of becoming serious or apologizing, Hyuck started calling his mother in Korean.

"Eommaaaa" moaned, laughing at the same time with face pressed against the sheets. "My guy beats me uuup," he sniffed, punching me on the shoulder. After a moment, "You sadist" gasped, wiping the tears of amusement from cheek with the back of hand. Donghyuck looked at me with a slight smile and kissed jaw when saw weary expression in response to his twisted sense of humor. "I just like to joke sometimes, don't be angry, please," whispered suddenly, quite seriously, as if afraid that it had gone too far.

"I know," I sighed heavily, placing hand on his cheek. "You're a born prankster. There is no help for that, is it? " I muttered tiredly and Hyuck looked less sad as shook head. "I thought so," laughed under breath simultaneously with the doorbell. I glanced instinctively at the door, then immediately at Hyuck with a confused expression. He was shocked too. "I already hear voices or have you heard it too?" I asked again, sliding off the boy's leg.

"At this time?" he was surprised with a distinct concern in voice. Whoever would meet us here together without making an announcement, wasn't welcome. I got up quickly from the bed and headed for the door. "Put the pants on, dammit, Hyung," Donghyuck whispered loudly behind me and I rolled eyes.

"I won't wear anything. My apartment, my rules," muttered angrily, taking the gun from the aisle between the corridor and the kitchen. I quickly reloaded it, grabbing the door handle, then swung the door open, not quite ready for the bright light that suddenly burst in. However, even without this light, I was able to see the person standing at the threshold. And it wasn't anyone I was afraid to see there.

"Are you crazy?" I asked Hunter, who stared at my crotch with shocked eyes.

"M-me?" he stammered incoherently, looking up. "Not me," shook head seriously. I looked at boy with pity. He was very lucky to do it at my good mood.

"What are you doing here at this hour?" I asked, my eyes still narrowing.

"Steven gave me papers for you," he explained, still standing still. I raised eyebrows in surprise.

"At 2 am?" I asked, looking at him like the idiot he seemed to be. "Should I wipe my ass with them after the night poop?"

"I don't know," Hunter shook head from side to side. The situation was so absurd that I might have thought it was some strange dream. I rubbed face with hand, ruffling violently at the very end of hair to somehow arrange all this nonsense in head.

"Then why bother me when you don't know anything as usual?" I asked but silence answered. "Will you give me these papers or just stand there staring at my balls in the middle of the night?"

"Sorry," Hunter suddenly panicked and held out a briefcase to me with hands shaking more than that of an old alcoholic in rehab. I grabbed papers halfway because he was so slow that by that time I would have laid four eggs and milked a cow.

"First of all - documents are not removed from basement. Second - the message _take something to someone_ means that someone's fucking desk underground, not a private apartment on its surface after midnight. Thirdly - I don't accept the answer _I don't know_ because when you decide to take my time, you _must know_ so as not to waste it and not piss me off ", recited as calmly as I could, smacking him with this briefcase on the head. "And the most important thing you have to stick into that empty head is to make sure that the next time you wake me up at this hour and the company isn't going to collapse, I'll literally blow your head off," added nervously, slamming the door. I shook head in disbelief, tossing gun and papers on the table in the living room. When returned to the bedroom, Donghyuck was sitting in the center of the bed with legs hiked up to chest and staring at me intently, eyebrows raised high. "Don't even start," I warned, pointing index finger at him seriously.

"I'm not saying anything, baby," he raised hands up to protect himself.

"It is enough that you stare," I said with distaste. Hunter's topic pissed me off as much as he did.

"I'm closing eyes then," Hyuck sighed heavily, ostentatiously covering face with hand, while making a sour, bored face. I climbed slowly onto the bed, slipping over that master of sharp retort. But his flexible leg was waiting for me in response and the foot that landed on my shoulder, pushing slightly back, keeping distance full of jealousy. Well, he couldn't shut up, he had to comment. "So he was staring at your balls, right?" asked, looking down at me, propping himself up on elbows. I looked at him with an incredulous smile then grabbed Donghyuck by that slender accusing foot and, after gently kissing it, pushed aside so I could smoothly climb between his legs.

"If you're so terribly jealous you can stare too," I said, kissing Hyuck on the forehead.

"I know your balls by heart, thanks for the offer," he replied, falling sharply on back. We exchanged quick glances and started laughing. "What's his problem anyway?" Hyuck asked in a helpless voice. "I told him he can't take the papers from basement," brunet sighed, returning with obvious difficulty to the subject of the work, which seemed to sense that it had been forgotten and had to materialize in the form of Hunter at 2 am in front of my door.

"I don't know," whispered, kissing Hyuck on the cheek, nose and rosy lips for dessert. "But I know that I love your butt and if he interrupts the night conversation once again, during which I can shamelessly caress it, I will help him solve this problem very quickly", I murmured, receiving a quick response to my successful caress. I didn't want to end our day together with Hunter.

"Mmm, Mr. Lee" Donghyuck sighed longly, grabbing neatly with one hand all my male possessions that nature has given me. I started laughing. He had to, devil. "You're so brutal," he kissed my chin, fingers tightening a little on the jewels between my legs. "So male," he murmured sensually. I shook head in disbelief, taking that hand away subtly from cock, which preferred to go to sleep like its owner rather than spend the night by penetrating his jealous, mean boyfriend's ass.

"Any other wisdom in life, Master?" I asked with amusement. Hyuck shook head in denial, biting lower lip. "So shall we go to sleep?" I offered with the hope that this time we would succeed.

"Mhm," Hyuck nodded eagerly, pulling me closer. I happily drowned in boy's shoulders, inhaling the unique scent of his body.

"My chubby bumblebee," I muttered, kissing the soft cheek of the brunet with tenderness for goodnight.

"Bzzz" he laughed even more, shaking ass vigorously under me. I smiled andcovered us with the soft duvet tightly.

I was happy.

Happy with Donghyuck.

So was the origin of this weapon important?

I didn't know that.

Probably not.

At least for now.


	56. Rival

**[january 2021]**

**[hunter]**

When I heard from Steven that today I was to spend the whole day with Haechan and Mark in the same car, I was hoping it is huge, ridiculous joke. But he never joked with me, so I simply had to accept that after a week of this terrible situation in front of Mark's apartment, I would have to look him in the face and not burn up with shame, seeing his cock instead.

Today I was supposed to focus on observing what their usual field work looks like. But I sensed that the main reason was Steven's willingness to get me out of the basement. We weren't comfortable together. Haechan always held the conversation. He made jokes and thought up topics for little talks so that we wouldn't be awkwardly silent. Steven still didn't give a shit, and so we had fun down there - glued by force by Mr. Perez and stuck with each other despite mutual dislike. A dream workplace with a charming and fairy-tale atmosphere.

I walked upstairs to the parking lot. I saw them right away in the double pack as they went everywhere together. I could see Mark in private only in office, in the corridors on the way somewhere or completely naked in his apartment, when I was bringing documents in the middle of the night... Oh my god, what a shame... I looked up at the cloudy sky, hoping it would snow or rain heavily. Haechan apparently didn't go out into the field during heavy rainfall. I didn't know why. For such a gray and bland person, he had many secrets.

The men were talking about something while smoking cigarettes. Brunet was leaning back against the driver's door and Mark standing right in front of him - much closer than he should in my opinion. Haechan was smiling and I didn't think they were talking about work either. I was a bit afraid to enter into their private chat but also afraid of being late, so I started walking towards them anyway. I heard Mark first and his calm voice made my heart beat faster.

"I never thought about it," he said. "It's always been the stimulus-response principle. I saw something beautiful, I drew it," said with a shrug.

"Something beautiful, you say?" Haechan laughed charmingly, looking at Mark as if he was some chick in the club to become one-night stand. When brunet saw me, his expression returned to normal. "Good morning" was the first to say. Even though he was generally reserved about me, I never felt the dislike. He was always just nice.

"Hey," I replied, glancing discreetly at Mark. But Lee was already looking towards me icily.

"Six minutes late," he only muttered as stomped cigarette to the ground. Apparently, the greetings fell outside the scope of his vocabulary. Man passed me slowly on the way to the passenger seat, leaving behind nothing but pure terror. I glanced at watch in panic but before I could check the time, Haechan's warm, sun-kissed hand appeared on my wrist.

"Mark always expects everyone to be at his call ten minutes earlier," explained calmly, seeing my terrified expression. "You're on time, Hunter," he assured me, nodding at the car. "Get in the back," boy commanded without rushing, letting me know that if I was late they wouldn't be here anymore. I bit the inside of my cheek lightly, swearing internally for the fact that everything about Mark was so unbelievably stressful for me. I obeyed Haechan quickly and got into the partially heated car. They really must have been waiting here for some time. "How's your mood today, sir?" brunet asked, starting the engine.

"Strong 3 out of 10" Mark muttered, leafing through the solid calendar. The slender fingers of the man turned vigorously page after page, looking for the right one.

"Wow," Haechan whistled loudly leaving the parking lot. I grimaced. "Such a good mood must evidently be celebrated with good music," he said seriously, turning on the radio.

"Don't make fun of me" Mark looked at him in disbelief and the boy just started laughing. After that, it was quiet for a long time.

Not much was happening from the driving perspective. Haechan only came out of the car for a cigarette and put on a mask as we approached the point where Mark was getting out to get things done. He didn't look at the documents that the black-haired brought; he also didn't ask for anything. Lee stopped by two lockers, saw someone for a coffee, where he spent two hours under the watchful eye of his driver, also visited a shooting range outside the city and three hours later returned to the car with a navy blue briefcase. It might seem as if he got everything needed smoothly and without problems.

There was mostly silence in the car. Once the brunet started humming something in traffic but Mark purred briefly _you're distracting me_ and it was quiet again. The boy, however, didn't lose cheerfulness, which was surprising given Mark's coldness. Before Lee left, always told Haechan how long he would be out and my basement colleague would always set a timer to measure it accurately. I don't know what would happen after that time because it never happened. But I didn't know if Haechan would ever use force for anything. He seemed to be a non-violent person and I didn't understand his role as a bodyguard. In the event of an emergency, was he going to do exactly what? Boy was good at shadowing people but when there is a sudden threat, one must also be able to solve the problem by force and, in my opinion, Haechan wasn't able to do that at all. However, when I shared this thought with Mr. Perez, he made no comment, ignoring statement completely. 

Maybe I was wrong.

"Everything is correct?" Haechan asked Mark as the man counted down some receipts.

"Mhm" black-haired muttered in response, hiding everything in a briefcase secured with a code.

"That's good," brunet sighed heavily, getting out of the parking lot. "Are we going somewhere else?" asked.

"No" short answer again. None of the others fell between the two.

"It's even better..." Haechan whispered intently as he tried to put car into traffic on the speeding road. Mark sat for the next twenty minutes with nose on the phone, exchanging fierce text messages with someone, sighing nervously every now and then, completely out of control of his bouncing right leg.

"What are you doing on Sunday?" finally asked Haechan, tossing the phone in front of him against the windshield.

"Off" received a calm answer.

"I'm taking it from you," he said irritably, looking out the window.

"Okay," Haechan laughed, completely unmoved by the fact that it wasn't even a question on Mark's side. The man informed him that he was taking his day off without explanation or request. "How are you planning to waste it for me?"

"If I told you, you would disagree, so it's not your business," man replied somewhat cryptically. As usual, Haechan laughed as if nothing in this world would spoil the good mood boy had literally every day. I was starting to wonder if there was something wrong with his head.

"Just tell her I don't like olives," he asked afterward. Mark huffed in disbelief under breath.

"Is there something in this world that you can't figure out?" he asked, smiling gently.

"No," admitted not too modestly as he parked in front of a cafe.

"Why did you stop?" Mark asked, a bit confused, but there was no reply as his phone started ringing. When man answered the call, Haechan switched off the engine and placed head on the headrest, staring at Mark. Lee ended a very short conversation and glanced at his colleague behind the wheel.

"A large caramel latte with triple espresso and lactose-free milk," he said calmly, holding out a black card towards Mark. The latter eyed it reluctantly.

"Are you paranormal?" the black-haired asked, taking it from boy. He sighed as hard as if a small piece of plastic weighed tons and required to sign a pact with devil himself.

"Paranormal activity" Haechan laughed sluggishly and hurried Mark to leave, nodding head impatiently in exit direction. "Get your ass up and don't forget the stickers for me," he added.

"Can't you go?" Lee suddenly lost all confidence and a grimace crept across his face.

"The cashier has the hots for you and gives extra stickers every time you appear. I can pick up my favorite muffin later thanks to that, so forgive me-," he whispered, placing hand on Mark's shoulder. "I don't have the right face to shop in this place," explained to the boy and got rolled eyes in response. Mark cursed profusely under breath, but proceeded to fill a request without murmuring. Apart from business relations, Lee clearly despised relations in social life. We stayed in the car all alone. "How do you rate the day, Hunter?" Haechan asked me for a change. Our day together was coming to an end. The only thing left for me was a report to our boss.

"I guess that cool," I said in a slightly hoarse voice. I haven't used it much today. "But driving with Mark seems demanding," said truthfully. Keeping silence all day long wasn't my style. I could also get hit for everything at any time. Fear and stress played an additional role. Well, at the mere sight of Minhyung my heart was beating faster and hands were starting to tremble, so I wasn't sure how this cooperation would go.

"You probably won't get a chance to ride with him but it's a good experience," Haechan said quietly, eyes closed. Maybe he didn't want to show it but was definitely tired too. All day in the car; all day in full concentration and in a sitting position.

"Mr. Perez said that a day like this could come someday, so I have to prepare," replied before could bite tongue. In the rearview mirror I noticed Haechan smirking under breath. I got caught up stupidly trying to prove I was worth replacing him if I tried enough. I felt that one day these childish instincts would bury me alive.

"You understand what you did wrong now?" brunet asked calmly but in his own way, incredibly cold. I've never heard him address anyone like that.

"I understand," replied, looking down.

"You won't survive here if you can't learn to control what you say," he said bluntly, eyeing me the hard facts. Boy made it clear to me that a casual peer-to-peer conversation can never be without caution when taking place in a work environment. I knew it, I really did. But Haechan was always kind and so much understanding so that I forgot I shouldn't tell him everything and he didn't want to hear it anyway. Finally, he sighed heavily, peering through the side window. "Mark is an antisocial asshole, so it's not always nice, but if you ignore him, it's quite fine," said, returning to the topic of working with _Mr. Perez's pet_ , as Steven sometimes says. But I didn't think it was because of jealousy. As a matter of fact, the three of them incredibly liked to tease each other. Each of them also had an equally strong position and dealt with all different things, so their competences didn't overlap. They had nothing to compete for.

"You don't like him?" I was honestly surprised. They went everywhere together, they spent holidays together, their mothers were friends and neighbors. It was rare to find Mark without Haechan. When you meant one, the other went in a bundle. Their relationship definitely didn't seem superficial or forced.

"Mark? He's just okay..." Haechan shrugged. "I don't have much choice," explained to me, changing the station on the radio. "It's hard to work with someone you hate, so living with the idea that liking Mark is my duty makes it so much easier," he added calmly, making eye contact with me in the rearview mirror. "You just know him too little, Hunter. That's why this thing popped into your head," he said suddenly blankly, pushing me into chair with that statement. The mere fact that he had figured out my feelings for Mark was embarrassing enough. But boy never admitted this knowledge as openly as now. I felt attacked and stupid in some way.

"How do you know what's in my head?" I asked irritably, even though we both knew he was right. Before Haechan could answer me, Mark returned to the car. He threw a paper bag on brunet's lap with a careless gesture.

"Toffee, how did you know?" Haechan asked cheerfully when he peered inside.

"Does it matter?" Mark asked impassively, fastening seat belt.

"Do you want a bite?" boy asked, taking a muffin out of the bag. Lee looked at him hesitantly for a moment, then nodded.

"I want" he confirmed with words and Haechan tore off a piece of pastry and put it in Mark's mouth.

"What do you think?" he asked right away, not giving him a moment to chew.

"Tolerable," he said seemingly indifferent but smiled slightly under breath and wiggled eyebrows up. "You probably like it too, huh?" asked, visibly amused. Haechan grunted in the affirmative and Mark just sighed heavily as he looked at the way boy was eating that muffin. Lee twisted lips in disgust and wiped the rest of the toffee from the brunet's mouth, then licked off thumb without embarrassment. "You messy little bumblebee," he sighed heavily and Hyuck rolled eyes in response.

"Do you want too?" he asked me with mouth full, turning to the back. But I shook head in denial, not giving myself the right to speak in front of Mark. "Okay, let's go before the coffee gets cold," he announced, tossing the leftover muffin in a bag over the upholstery.

I began to wonder what kind of a person Haechan must be if he feels so easy by a person he doesn't even tolerate. This meant that even if he was nice to me, he didn't call our relationship friendly. It gives me some useful advice on how to survive in the mafia and it's accurate, of course, but I have absolutely no idea why Haechan does it if he doesn't even like me. I was an intruder down there. Steven didn't even hide that I disturbed him. So why so much acceptance for me from Haechan?

It dawned on me slowly that boy was definitely more dangerous than I had initially thought.

There were many more secrets behind this sweet smile than anyone could have suspected.

❤

**[donghyuck]**

Minhyung's mom wanted to make up and apologize. But when Mark showed me messages from her when we got into apartment that evening, she was doing it in some very strange way. They had been exchanging all day some useless and not too friendly shit. Woman even added that if he was afraid of killing her over Sunday lunch, he could take me for safety. The worst part was that she found herself very understanding at the moment. Actually, they both were really fucked up. 

A mother and her son are worth each other.

The dinner itself was nice but weird. We haven't seen each other since the Christmas quarrel in the living room, so the first minutes were very awkward for me personally. After that, of course, Minhyung fell silent and rarely spoke anything, so the theory that we were here to make up and sort things out was a bit far-fetched. Well, unless I didn't know something, and in this house the problems magically disappeared if they weren't mentioned together during the meal. The question of growing silence also fell upon me again. When they themselves tried to exchange information with each other, it got unpleasant, because both of them used a tone full of grudges against the hunchbacked man for having straight children. Therefore, after lunch, we washed up very quickly and went to bed. We'd agreed in advance that we would spend the night in Mark's old room, so I didn't argue with that anymore and accepted that Monday's breakfast would be as great as Sunday's dinner.

Mark fell asleep quickly. We didn't even have a long talk. He slipped between my legs, placing head on stomach, hid hands under my buttocks and, happy with the warmth that radiated from our bodies, went to the land of dreams. I wanted to do it too but this position was uncomfortable to sleep. After an hour or so, Mark pulled my sweatshirt over head and the only thing I could move without any problems was feet in fluffy Christmas socks.

Eventually I started playing with the hair on Mark's neck, looking out the window at the darkening sky.

Recently, I've been shivering without reason.

Mostly when I was alone in the basement. I bent over papers and listened to surroundings, feeling uneasy. It wasn't a good sign. My brain was unconsciously feeling that something was happening and something bad was coming. And my brain has never been wrong because it has been trained for years to sense a threat before it actually appears.

That's why I was a bit scared.

I cuddled up to Minhyung more often and harder in search of warmth, as if feeling that a day would come when I might be deprived of it for a while. I was seeking his attention, the possibility of spending every free moment together and small caresses. The boy seemed to suspect nothing, to see no change. Maybe he believed that this is how people behave after mutual love confessions. There was some point in that. Minhyung has become much more emotionally accessible since Christmas, as if the words _I love you_ were a dam that blocked the flow of essential affects. I enjoyed it, of course. But the anxiety in my heart lingered.

"Do you have time for gossips?" Steven asked when I answered his call.

"I do," yawned, stretching out to don't worry later about my frozen muscles.

"Are you sitting?" he asked clearly excitedly. I laughed under breath. Steven, however, always cultivated something of a teenager living with school news.

"I'm even lying," I said quietly so as not to wake Minhyung.

"I'm suspecting that Hunter gets uncontrolled night erection because of Mark," he said seriously, and I sighed heavily, closing eyes. This topic irritated me. Hunter irritated me.

"I'll go one step further and say that he gets it for sure," I commented without much enthusiasm. He was brazenly drooling at my boyfriend. It was hard to remain enthusiastic about such things.

"What? How do you know?" Steven asked, voice almost offended. He really didn't like it when I noticed something before him. He clearly couldn't accept the fact that I was always more observant. _Forgive me, my friend_. "And why are you so calmly confirming it?" man added as if this point was even more disturbing.

"Because I've been living with this knowledge since Christmas Eve in a restaurant," I sighed, covering eyes with arm. I was tired of thinking about Hunter. I was fed up with other problems. "How did you conclude it?"

"Today he asked me if I like Mark," explained, laughing a little embarrassedly. "So I replied that I tolerate his presence," he said, clearly feeling the subject. Finally, something other than work was happening. He decided to strike while the iron is hot. "And he says you don't like him, although Mark is really nice only to you and he doesn't understand it at all..."

"Does he have no shame and brain?" I muttered irritably.

"Apparently," Steven agreed, clinking the cutlery. In the background, I heard two female voices. So far I found out that his daughter's name is Lilly and she's thirteen. Another child is on the way, almost out, so Steven is living under a lot of stress lately. Eventually, he won't suddenly come out of meeting with Marco and say that his wife / girlfriend, whom Perez doesn't know about, is giving birth, so he's out. Therefore, Hunter's presence didn't suit him. He narrowed the room for maneuver by wandering around the basement. "Fasten Mark on a leash and hold him by leg because you have a rival, baby boy," man joked and I grimaced.

"Considering that Prince Charming is currently taking after-dinner nap at his mother's place between my legs with head tucked under my sweatshirt, because the baby was blinded by daylight, I don't know if there is any competition here," I replied lightly but in my heart it wasn't like that at all. Who was I actually trying to trick? What I have learned in life is, first and foremost, that there are no people who cannot be replaced. To say that I was so sure of position because I was the best thing that happened to Mark in life, was a monstrous lie. I was scared of our breakup as hell. I was afraid of Minhyung's cheating and couldn't stop it, though the thoughts and images my imagination gave me, were really unreal at times.

"I don't think so either but I'm just shocked. Like wow, he has balls to be so obvious?" Steven sighed heavily. This was the main problem with Hunter. He embarrassedly had no control over emotions. It was easy to read him like an open book and the information was drawn out like from a preschooler who sees no problem in revealing secrets.

"Maybe he's just an idiot because I have no other explanation for that," I said, returning to Minhyung's hair. I needed to calm scattered thoughts.

"I bode him a short career," Steven said seriously. I wouldn't be surprised if he'd made it to him himself because he couldn't show any more that he just didn't like Hunter. He never liked him. Already during training boy was getting on his nerves. Hunter was untrained and naive. He survived the woods by a strange miracle. However, we didn't talk about it, because theoretically I shouldn't remember any of it.

"If that's what the chief spellcaster of the court says..." I laughed and pulled slowly the sweatshirt off Minhyung's head, when he began to struggle with it in sleep to get to the surface. It was already dark outside the window. The black-haired sluggishly moved up, lying down near my breastbone, continuing the dream as if nothing had happened.

"I read that from the shit of the bird that crashed on my windshield today," Steven summed up our entire conversation with this lovely folk wisdom and I just shook head in amusement. There was nothing else to add here.

_Shit_ was the perfect summary of any work-related topic.

❤

**[minhyung]**

I parked in the back of the restaurant overlooking the entrance. After seeing Steven and Hunter, I suddenly wanted to wait in the car until they had finished smoking and went inside. However, I was noticed. I sighed heavily and stumbled outwards. Hyuck was nowhere to be found and the whole burden of conversation was on my shoulders. 

Living without a brunet and functioning in society was so hard...

Steven was explaining something to Hunter, slapping him over the head with the briefcase with every word he spoke. He must have screwed up something again. That boy pissed me off, although I saw him as little as anything. I wouldn't be offended if Marco got rid of him somewhere quietly. He tangled under feet and only disturbed, pissing off Donghyuck. And if Donghyuck was irritated, my day was fucked up as well.

"What kind of good mood you have today?" Steven asked as we shook hands.

"Me?" I sighed heavily, lifting eyebrows up in surprise. I looked at the phone. Hyuck gave no sign of life.

"He's radiant, isn't he?" the man asked Hunter, who looked at him sidelong. At least it made me realize that Steven was making fun of the youngster. Apparently, he realized that the fool was making goo-goo eyes to me. It didn't amuse me anymore. It felt strange being in his company after getting to know that useless fact. "You have to be able to express yourself," Steven explained to boy seriously.

"I wouldn't say that he is, then," Hunter replied hesitantly, avoiding my watchful eyesight.

"We haven't seen each other this year," Steven remarked, addressing me this time. I took a pack of cigarettes from pocket.

"I know," muttered, sticking one between my lips. "So what?"

"Maybe you can give me some wishes?" he asked, handing me the lighter.

"Try to survive, man," I said casually, patting Steven on the shoulder. A lighter flared in my hands and Donghyuck joined us like on cue. I looked closely at his face red from the cold, bare neck and the unzipped jacket. Hyuck was panting a little, so was also running, which was everything that had pissed me off lately. "How have you come here?" I asked, trying to be calm. I didn't want to do unnecessary scenes in front of the boys. Hyuck looked at me as if knew this conversation wasn't going to end well for him.

"Good to see you, Hyungie," he replied, playing for the time. He put jacket over shoulders stronger and took a cap out of pocket to tuck it over wind-messed hair.

"I asked a question" I returned to the topic, opting for persistence. We stared at each other for a moment - Hyuck was silently asking me to calm down and I was asking him not to piss me off any more by pretending he didn't know what was going on.

"Sorry," he whispered finally, knowing full well that there was no discussion with me about his health.

"You'll be fucking sick, you'll see," I growled, increasingly pissed off. Donghyuck just sighed heavily and rolled eyes as took out cigarettes. I grabbed the package from his hands with a sudden movement. My pressure went up as first thing in the morning, great. "Go down, you have enough of fresh air," I said irritably, grabbing boy's arm.

"But I have to..." he began to protest, fingers tightening on my wrist to pull it away.

"You must shit," I raised voice, which I rather rarely did in a while. Hyuck looked at me with large, stubborn eyes. "No scarf, no smoking," I explained to him sternly, ignoring how he was trying to soften me with that wounded, offended, amber look. The only thing missing was his favorite text of the last time - _mom was right about you_.

"Don't treat me like a baby," he muttered in warning, fingers tightening even more as I didn't persist as he expected.

"Then start acting like an adult," I replied in the same way, pulling him closer to me by the shoulder. If we've argued about something lately, it was Donghyuck's way of neglecting his health. He was constantly ill, didn't give a shit to dress appropriately for the weather and neglected health in every possible way. "Have you been coughing too weakly recently? You want to cough stronger, yes?" I asked with a grudge and the boy looked down. He knew I was right.

"That's what New Year smells like," Steven suddenly interrupted, inhaling a little too violently and too loudly. "Quarrel in the morning," he added, sighing blissfully. "Maybe some quick fisticuffs before work?" asked with a pathetic joke. I gave him an annoyed look. With this approach, he destroyed what I had fought for a week. That Donghyuck would put on just a fucking scarf when he's leaving the house. I really didn't ask for much.

"Just a quick cigarette, huh?" brunet asked ingratiatingly, seeing that Steven would be drawn into our argument soon and if it goes well, Hunter, who adopted a tactic of looking at the ground as if nothing else existed on this earth, will accidentally die as well. I sighed heavily staring at him with pained eyes. I hated when Hyuck did that to me. "Please," he put lips in a silent plea.

"Finish mine and go to the basement," I whispered helplessly, handing Hyuck the barely started cigarette. Nevertheless, I dragged him by the arm under the roof, where it was simply less windy.

"How's the banquet, Mark?" Steven changed the subject, seeing the atmosphere grow tense. I was nervous anyway. Donghyuck was driving me crazy.

"I guess it's okay," I sighed, rubbing face with hand. I didn't feel like going back to it and I didn't feel like talking to anyone today. It was probably just one of my antisocial days that I needed to spend alone.

"Did you find out what was to be determined?" the man began to penetrate into the details of the meeting, which I didn't care about at all. I gave him a tired look.

"You have to ask Marco, I was there just in a role mascot for the show," I sighed heavily, glancing at Hyuck, who was watching me closely. _Yeah baby, I'm having a bad day so don't piss me off_ , I looked back. He bit lower lip and nodded slightly. It reached. "But Marco seemed pleased," I added about the banquets.

"That's good. There will be some work eventually," Steven muttered, stretching in place. I looked at watch.

"Donghyuck," I muttered a warning. The boy nodded, tossing cigarette to the ground.

"I'm going," he whispered quickly, extinguishing the heat with shoe. "Don't fool around stupidly anymore today" smiled at Steven and passed him on way to the door.

"Mmm, okay" the man answered quite seriously. When Hyuck warned about my bad mood, Steven somehow took it to heart. "He was sick?" he asked as Donghyuck was out of sight.

"As hell" I sighed softly. "Fever, cough, chills and all that shit stuff," I winced as recalled my frequent wake-up calls to sniffing and nightmares with violent, hideous coughs. "He went for a walk with mom and her boyfriend."

"That guy from the cake shop?" he asked and I nodded, shifting from foot to foot in place. "I've been checking him out, seems fine," Steven shrugged and stubbed out cigarette.

"I think so too," I stated. Ted is a good man. Too cheerful and inquisitive for me but certainly had no bad intentions. Hyuck wouldn't let his mother live with wrong man once again.

"Are you coming?" Steven was surprised to see that I wasn't moving.

"No. I'm waiting for Marco," I explained briefly, not going into details. Marco for some reason made the content of our meetings and arrangements strictly private. I didn't know what he was up to but didn't discuss it.

"Something specific?" he wondered, looking at me anxiously. I shrugged.

"He didn't tell me," I said truthfully. Steven was apparently alarmed by the fact that he was left out of these arrangements. "But it seems like something big," I added eloquently, holding his gaze longer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello back in the new year ❤


	57. The bumblebee whisperer

**[january 2021]**

**[minhyung]**

I sat at a round table full of influential people and looked with disgust at the short skirts of teenage girls from all over the world. Scantily dressed, showing their best body parts handed over to customers for exploitation. They presented themselves as merchandise for purchase, although the consumption of some of them was certainly not legal yet. People like me felt urge to puke when they saw this. Most of those here, however, didn't complain at all.

The hall was huge because this time the banquet we were at was typically for social purposes, less dedicated to specific interests. There were many tables in the room and many mafias but the most important sat here. Our table was surrounded by a wreath of bodyguards, who only allowed escort girls and waitresses with drinks and food. Marco took Vernon and Hunter for safety and Hyuck stood behind me somewhere in the back. I wished I could look at him but just knowing that boy was behind me somewhere was already quite comforting. Steven, as a rule, didn't appear at such large events, staying somewhere in the basement - invariably as a shadow in other people's imaginations.

The company was average. On my right sat Santino Oliveto, followed by Tony's eternal mascot, Enzo Luciano, then Tony Esposito himself, next his as slippery as an eel homosexual son - Theo in front of me, Marco and on my left - Ignazio Valenti with his wife Francesca.

The talks revolved around the possibility of a potential meeting on Marco's grounds to pre-talk about our brothel and the official, preliminary plan to divide the whores in its care. Tony initiated the conversation, so it was clear for everyone - he handled this aside with Santino, who had to accept this request to be seated at the table with Marco today. 

_You scratch my back and I'll scratch yours._

Just as I thought it couldn't be more disgusting anymore, new girls came in with snack trays. They bent seductively over the table, ensuring that their protruding butts were within the sight of influential people. Every now and then, unfamiliar hands disappeared under the almost non-existent skirts, looking for the lost treasure and their mythical dignity. We had a few drinks, so light patting on bare butts and smooth thighs was slowly starting. I hoped Marco didn't expect the same from me, since he didn't even bother to look at any of these girls. With a woman like Isabelle by my side, I wouldn't look at teenager either.

"Pretty, young, looks tough," said Santino in a matter-of-fact business tone. He probably already had a preliminary estimate in head based on rating of the child's endurance and potential daily mileage.

"Do you collect such young?" Marco asked out of curiosity. He clearly wanted to have any kind of conversation with Santino. Perez didn't have too many underage girls at brothel. It was always a risk and Marco was not a risky one. However, the sentence in the years of minor women trafficking differed from the sentence for those of the legal age.

"They have their charm," Oliveto nodded, puffing on smelly cigar.

"What about you, Mark?" Theo suddenly asked, which wouldn't be weird if it weren't for a few good reasons. First, we heartily disliked each other. Second, he was a slippery little bastard who believed the world was at his feet because of father's power and money. And third, with my most murderous instincts, Theo's eyes darted too often behind my back onto Hyuck, which made me want to break his balls under the table. Asking me a question was just a pitiful excuse to secretly glance at Donghyuck while pretending that was looking at me and that we actually liked each other.

"What about me?" I asked coldly, drinking down own anger and jealousy with a damn strong Scotch. I felt like I was going to get fucked today and Donghyuck won't be happy about it.

"You never talk about how you like," remarked, hitting my weak spot. Yes, I avoided talking about sex like fire because everywhere there were pitfalls for me. According to the stereotype, I should stick my dick in everything I can. Meanwhile, I was just an ordinary pussy whip in the power of my own bodyguard. It didn't sound good.

"How I like what?" I asked, giving man a meaningful look that his eyes weren't focusing where they should be.

"Take," he clarified, panicking a little. I had to look how I felt - annoyed and deadly serious. "You never get involved in these topics."

"I'm not getting involved profusely in anything if you haven't noticed" I tried to extinguish it, changing the direction of the conversation. In the eyes of this moron, however, I saw that he wouldn't let up on me anything today.

"Right, but still..." Theo began, so I cut it off. The starting point was to take control of the exchange of views. If I had it, then half the battle was in my hands.

"Sex like sex" I sighed heavily, wanting to show that I was bored with this well-worn topic. That there is nothing extraordinary here, worth exploring in depth. "What's a lot to describe here... I believe, you know how it works and what it's all about, Theo?" I asked a bit mockingly and indulgently. Despite everything, I adhered to certain boundaries and etiquette because Tony Esposito was still his father. Mine was a Korean immigrant who worked in a bank and fucked secretaries after office hours.

"You're never gonna be in a permanent relationship with anyone, are you?" he sighed in a way that would unequivocally hail me as a lonely nerd outside the Italian elite.

"I don't quite understand why I should be," shrugged, looking inquiringly at the rest of the table. They nodded thoughtfully as if I were asking an important question, so I followed this trail. "I'm not the type of man faithful to one woman for the rest of my life. I don't believe in love... I don't even know what is it, how does it feel..." I shrugged, toying with the empty crystal glass. "Besides, you need to have a fresh head for business," I added after a moment of thoughtfulness, wondering what the rest of them would like to hear from my lips. I recalled the last banquet where Enzo Luciano shared his touching story about cunningness of the fair sex. "Woman always means trouble," frowned, as if I had experienced a tremendous betrayal on this side myself. Out of the corner of eye I noticed that Enzo was already firing up with a commentary but Tony quickly put him in place. He was in no mood for it today, apparently. "It affects the clarity of mind in business badly, risks becoming a victim of a game between the mafias, can become a hostage, the object of blackmail... I think relationships are for people who are strong enough in business to be able to keep themselves and the woman safe" I added bearing in mind that everyone at this table except Marco is in fact married. Since they have wives, in my eyes they are strong and influential - this was the message and they clearly liked it. They were pathetic slaves to their ego. It was funny to look at.

"Are you not strong enough then?" Theo spoke without quite getting the point. Ignazio sighed beside me, visibly tired of these strange questions. It was chat, not business. And Ignazio was, above all, a man of particularities and business.

"I'm not interested," I explained him calmly.

"I've always envied you him," Tony quickly interrupted, watching the dynamics of expression on his guests' faces. "Clear mind, cool calculation," he exchanged, turning to Marco, of course, who was just nodding head, exchanging meaningful glances with me. "Not like Theo. He only thinks with ass," added in disgust, slapping son with open hand on the back of the head. He was a mental child and was treated like a child.

"I am not threatened by any woman either," muttered in defense. Ignazio sighed again.

"You are by another dick," Santino said jokingly, to which Theo rolled eyes. Huge mistake. Tony should take alcohol from him because he was too responsive to the excess of it.

"I assume it's some kind of entertainment as well," Enzo remarked shyly, probably wanting to save the day, because Santino's face was not looking too good. After all, you can't just roll eyes to the strongest mafia boss in this part of the US.

"What's the difference?" however, Theo asked offended, apparently confusing a business banquet with a parade to defend the rights of the LGBT community. He looked at me again, eyes fastening on Donghyuck. "What's name of yours?" he asked, watching me with a strange twinkle in eye. I knew it was about Hyuck. After all, Theo was famous for picking up on other people's bodyguards. Nobody wanted to just say it out loud.

"My dick?" I asked, wincing slightly in disgust. I wanted to make it clear to others that I don't play in the same team as Theo and his questions are childish and out of place. They are not at the level of interest and the society we are in now. I was planning to embarrass him and discredit in the eyes of important people, because that was how the authority in this company was destroyed. That's how you get rid of weeds from garden. "You'll never need it for anything. So I guess it doesn't have a name." I smiled to myself, letting know he was stepping onto the shaky ground.

The saying says the fag will sense the other fag from a kilometer even with eyes closed. I hoped this rule was out of Theo's reach. I didn't want unnecessary problems and being gay didn't make life any easier here if you didn't belong to the elite. I didn't belong. We were saved from this strange exchange of views by a new distribution of drinks.

I shifted freshly lit cigarette quickly from right hand to left, when suddenly one of the girls appeared next to me. I looked at her closely, avoiding any contact between our bodies. Just because I didn't see Hyuck didn't mean he didn't see me; and lately he's been a bit touchy on these topics. Steven's jokes about Hunter were sometimes tasteless and irritating to both of us.

The girl's hands trembled incredibly. She was obviously new here and the heat to serve this table was way beyond ability to handle the pressure. I handed her my glass carefully so she wouldn't have to think about the fact that if she leans forward again she'll shine with butt in front of the row of bodyguards.

"Do you like her?" Tony asked me suddenly, apparently misunderstanding gestures. I saw in his eyes that he would most willingly push girl on my lap, just to redeem for the stupid questions of drunken son.

"She's lovely but I'm a connoisseur of mature femininity," I explained succinctly, wanting to escape the situation in which I would be forced to drag this young girl to bed.

"Define me a mature woman in bed," Santino suddenly asked, looking as if was collecting an interview on the consumer preferences of whores. He was an entrepreneur after all. This question, although it was about sex, was purely for marketing.

"Hmm," I sighed heavily, pretending to be wondering. I had my sex god right behind back, I didn't need much imagination. "The kind that knocks you off your feet with just one look," I smiled under breath, barely refraining from glancing over shoulder at Hyuck. "Who is the challenge. Even though she's underneath you by definition, you come out of bed like after a hurricane - battered," I raised eyebrows ambiguously, explaining point of view to Santino. I tried to answer as fully as possible. "Such a woman happens to be one in a million and sex with her is remembered until death if you lead a life with confidence about your domination," I laughed, taking a sip of the whiskey.

"You like spicy chicks then," Enzo interrupted with a stupid, drunken smile. Tony rolled eyes as if every word from Luciano was already irritating him.

"I just like good, solid sex. Not always violent," I shook head vigorously in denial." Let's get back to business maybe...?," I suggested, looking at the men.

"Okay, Mark is right," Ignazio backed me up almost immediately. Tony and Marco seemed pleased too, so my remark was not taken as bold and insolent. Relief. The conversation finally turned from me to the others, I was able to step back into the shadows.

"You only focus on our neighborhood?"

"No, we will also search outside the state."

"When you're the biggest whore distributor, you'll really have a problem with getting rid of business only in our area."

"Unfortunately."

"We want to see how much we can do here first and we'll talk to others to do something about the rest."

I listened to this exchange, staring blankly at the smoke of my own cigarette. The minutes here dragged and the hands of the clock made slow circle after slow circle, extending everything mercilessly. I cut myself off so much that I didn't hear any music or conversations. I was alone with thoughts until the sound came back to me sharply with the drink poured right on my crotch.

"I'm so sorry, sir," said the girl, voice shaking just like her hands. "I'm so sorry," she repeated on the verge of crying and began to wipe my thigh with apron. I grabbed her wrist quickly and pulled away from pants.

"Please, don't touch me," I said calmly as I stubbed out cigarette. "It's nothing. It can happen to anyone," I added, getting up from the table. I didn't want to show my annoyance because I didn't like being responsible for her eventual death. "It's enough to wash" I smiled slightly under breath, winking at her so that others could see it. The message was clear: _nothing really happened_.

It was an incredible opportunity for me to break away from the table. In fact, I was grateful to her for wetting me. I had to go back to my room, change pants, wash the alcohol stain. It all takes time. And in all this, Donghyuck had to accompany me. Now I nonchalantly passed him, knowing full well that boy would follow me like a shadow.

"Do you have the key?" I asked when we got to the room we were given for the duration of our stay.

"What if I didn't have it?" he asked, eyebrows raised high, opening the door without breaking eye contact with me. I smiled under breath.

"I would have to sleep in the same bed with Hunter," I laughed, getting rid of the mask from his face as we got inside.

Before he could punch me for that weak, annoying joke, I grabbed his hands tightly and pressed our lips together in a strong kiss, pressing the boy against the door. Throughout the evening, I dreamed of nothing else but those full, rose lips that I was crazy about. Donghyuck sighed softly, fingers tightening on my hair. Brunet pulled me by the back of neck every time I wanted to catch any breath. However, we didn't have that much time to consume our bodies in any way. We both knew it.

"Take off your pants and shirt, connoisseur of mature femininity," he gasped, pushing me away violently.

"Don't be angry," I asked, undoing the buttons. "I have to answer them somehow."

"I know, I'm not angry," said patiently, watching me undo belt.

"What is it then?" I asked, walking the short distance between us. I cupped Hyuck's cheek with hand, forcing him to look into my eyes.

"It disgusts me to see some foul grandfather getting his paw under a fourteen-year-old's panties and fingering her in public to the delight of the rest of the filthy table," he recited in a truly agitated voice. I sighed heavily, kissing him softly on the forehead.

"I know, it disgusts me too, but try to bear it just a little more," I whispered still with mouth against his temple. "A little more and I'll take you out of there," I added quietly, locking the boy in my arms. I wanted to shield him from any sexual content that wasn't about our relationship. Somewhere in the back of head I still had that stupid medical file from his room that I just felt downright bad about. I preferred to not see it.

"Why do these meetings always have to be so gross?" he grunted grumpily, relaxing in my arms to the consistency of jelly. I started slowly massaging Hyuck's back, rocking us slightly from side to side.

"It's their nature," I explained gently, wishing we could stay here longer. It wasn't even midnight yet. "My definition of good sex with captivating eyes," I laughed, wanting to relax the atmosphere. I achieved goal immediately.

"Am I knocking you off your feet?" the boy asked, nuzzling me on the cheek.

"Mhm" confirmed with amusement, kissing him gently.

"Are you getting out of bed battered?" he muttered, biting my lower lip.

"Every fucking time" I confessed to greatest weakness in life, which was Hyuck himself.

"Take off your pants," said, laughing.

"Is that an order?" I asked, raising eyebrows up.

"Yes," the brunet whispered, making eye contact with me. I smiled under breath. "I have to wash them for you," he added innocently.

"Of course you meant it," I rolled eyes, pissed that we don't have time for each other at all.

❤

**[donghyuck]**

I watched Minhyung closely and monitored every step he took as walked around the room. Boy talked to various important people, also it wasn't advisable that I should hang on him and walk like a shadow sucked on back. The midnight has weeded the less important mafias out and only the big ones were left on the dance floor. Now the most important interests were taking place. What mattered was smiles, a good joke and the ability to converse in a tasty way about unsavory matters.

Minhyung's body shape only told me that he was already very tired at this point. And it still didn't look like the end, although it was slowly 3 am. When a waiter approached them with a tray of champagne glasses, Mark took one as they were all taking. Aside from fatigue, I was guessing that the next problem would be total getting fucked. Minhyung drank an awful lot today. Drink after drink. Still, he was vertical very well. The black-haired was wise and good drinker. All these banquets taught him how to do it.

Some of the guests finally disappeared with the girls from the service. Marco was talking to Tony at the table - both sprawled in their chairs and drinks in hands. Vernon was standing behind Perez like an unshakable rock and Hunter a bit further away, so as not to disturb them but simply to be in the name of the rule - _the more the better_. Mark was talking to Ignazio and his wife in the corner of the room. It was a quiet conversation, because they were all calm there, so I didn't worry about him that much.

My personal peace, however, was disturbed by Theo Esposito, who was barely on feet. But he pressed tirelessly forward, clearly targeting me. I would be lying if I said I wasn't expecting this tonight. He was staring at me brazenly all over dinner from the other end of the table. He clearly waited for the moment when Minhyung and me would be separated by the perfect distance for him to take the opportunity.

"I like you," he muttered, standing in front of me. I didn't even honor him with a small glance. "I see you only the second time and think I'm in love," added, looking at me with alcohol-red cheeks. "I want to see your face," told me in a voice that couldn't bear any resistance as I continued to ignore.

"It's impossible, sir," replied calmly, so as not to annoy him too much. It was still Tony's son, even if he was completely drunk failure.

"I can't live by only seeing your eyes in the distance," he muttered in childish resentment. Immediately after that, reached out to my face to take off the mask. I made a quick dodge. Theo staggered, barely keeping his balance and looked at me irritably as if I had taken his favorite toy. "Should I take you by force or will you come with me voluntarily?" asked in a surprisingly sober voice.

"I'm not going anywhere with you, sir," I explained, still very calmly. In such a state, he posed no threat to me. It would be enough to trip him and he would be lying. That man really had the determination of a donkey. When Theo approached me again, I just sighed heavily and took a step to the side. "Please don't force me to hurt you," I asked, preparing myself internally for the fact that I would unfortunately have to do this harm to him, if he wouldn't leave me alone. Theo looked at me in surprise and stared like that for a long time, as if didn't understand how I might threaten him. 

Minhyung meanwhile finished talking to Ignazio and walked calmly but firmly towards us. Maybe he wasn't showing it clearly but I knew he was irritated. When the boy's face was completely expressionless and unreadable, it meant that he was only moments away from the outbreak of aggression. I've seen this face too often before not to recognize it now. I prayed that, after all the alcohol, he would be able to balance actions and refrain from dangerous, badly received by the observers, gestures. And they certainly were, even if they didn't seem to be glancing in our direction.

"I think I got excited," Theo told me after a moment in response to my statement that I would hurt him if he didn't leave me alone. This time I refrained from answering and young Esposito failed to approach me again. Mark grabbed his neck tightly and pulled back.

"If I see you near my bodyguard again, you'll have nothing to get excited with, Theo. Understand?" asked calmly but whispering these hateful words in ear in round terms. Minhyung never liked him. He didn't reveal the details or the origin of this hatred but Theo clearly got on his nerves.

"Mark, come on..." the Italian laughed stupidly. Although was the son of the mafia, he was clearly diminishing beside Minhyung. "He's just a security guard," tried to defend himself somehow and maybe even get Mark's permission to loan me out for the night. He didn't know, however, how badly he had chosen the official to grant similar approvals.

"First of all, it's my property," Mark explained nervously, tugging hair back once again. "As you well know, the property of a business partner can't be touched. Your father hasn't taught you this yet?" asked in a voice full of contempt.

"What's going on, Mark?" I heard Tony Esposito's heavy, thick voice behind me. I didn't give myself the right to move even a millimeter from the position in which I was standing. I just prayed that it wouldn't be too much trouble.

"We established the boundaries of certain relationships, nothing serious," Minhyung replied, letting Theo's hair. The boy stumbled to the side, massaging the back of head. Tony passed me, glancing discreetly in my direction. Finally, sighed heavily, putting the cigarette in mouth and walked over to the boy.

"Papa..." Theo had yet to say out before his own father punched him in the face. Esposito is a huge man with a huge hand in which he apparently also has huge strength. The young Italian was knocked down with this blow to the ground, from which he didn't even try to get up.

"Grow up, son," Tony said without much emotion, turning back to him. "Sorry, Mark" reached hand to Minhyung, which my boyfriend naturally shook.

"Nothing happened," assured calmly. "Apart from Vernon, these security guards are mostly our employees. Haechan works with Steven on a daily basis, so my intervention was more for Theo," explained succinctly, wanting to show how much he appreciates the welfare of the youngest from Esposito clan. "It's stupid to get hurt for such misunderstanding."

"Steven's boy?" the man was surprised, looking at me carefully as if had seen me for the first time. We both knew this wasn't true. I decided not to meet his eyes.

"Yes, then you understand," Minhyung spread hands helplessly. Tony just sighed heavily, as if the mere memory of Steven was already a calling card in itself.

"That boy will die by thinking with the wrong body part one day," shook head, massaging the temples of tired head. I could only imagine how many humiliations and problems Theo had already brought to this family. Covering up the traces of his mindless activities must cost the Esposito clan a lot of effort and money.

"I think we've all thought with it at least once," Minhyung laughed in a manner reserved for just such situations. Each of us had a special repertoire.

"Even you?" Tony asked incredulously. Sometimes it seemed to me that he really envied Marco Minhyung and would happily trade own son for a black haired.

"Even me," the boy replied as calmly as ever, closing eyelids for a moment in a shameful reassurance of the inconvenient fact. Weakness for weakness. The best technique to neutralize a mafia conflict.

"I respect you a lot, Mark" Tony confessed very seriously and I knew it was true. In this environment, emotional coldness on every level was a jewel on the CV.

"I respect you no less, Tony," Minhyung assured, however, much less sincerely, but still convincingly.

"Let's stay in touch" Esposito tapped Mark on the shoulder as he spoke the words. The men shook hands to seal the covenant.

"Of course" the black-haired smiled slightly and politely, putting hands in pockets. He turned back to me and together we watched as Tony took son by rags and began to reprimand him.

"You played it nicely," I whispered in Korean. It's better not to risk sometimes.

"You think so?" Minhyung sighed heavily, still staring at Esposito.

"Mhm" I affirmed gently, wishing I could rub the boy's tense back muscles, which said all about how this confrontation had affected him.

"I got stressed out," finally admitted in line with body language. "He's a powerful guy. Both in body and in business," muttered, turning to face me.

"It wasn't visible," I truthfully assured. If someone is not close to Minhyung, he would never have figured out how this conversation affected him.

"Are you okay?" he asked with concern, eyes quickly running over my body.

"He didn't even touch me," I said calmly, motioning for him to relax. Mark, however, was far from accommodating my request.

"Of course didn't touch," muttered angrily. "If he touched, it would end worse," assured me, shaking head. Minhyung looked quickly around the room. "If you have to, defend yourself," finally added, standing next to me but facing in the opposite direction. He had to get back to unpleasant duties. "Better you hit him than I bludgeon to death."

❤

**[minhyung]**

I didn't think the feeling of having someone other than Hyuck behind back could be this weird and uncomfortable. Until Lee had to stay with Marco and Hunter escorted me to room. Oddly, Perez felt safer around Haechan. It was so valuable information that it gave me a clear signal that Donghyuck is indeed not a defenseless bumblebee that I must protect forever. Combined with a weapon I still hadn't asked him about, more questions started popping up in my head after tonight. I still haven't judged if it's good or not in the context of our relationship.

"Good night," said Hunter as we reached the room. I woke up in my thoughts to see the dark interior of the bedroom in front of me. I rubbed hand over tired eyes.

"Thanks, good night," I muttered absentmindedly as stepped inside. An intrusive silence surrounded me, ears squeaking from it. I was tired, drunk and hungry for closeness to my man's body. However, I still had to wait for that closeness and I didn't know how long.

I walked slowly over to the bedside table to turn on the lamp. The faint light of the color of the setting sun illuminated the nearest space around me. I looked skeptical at the two beds with separate bags of clothes for change. I began to unbutton shirt slowly, thinking hard about Theo. I was hoping that he had suffered a concussion from father's hitting and is now unconscious in own room. I was furious with the thought that he might try to get close to Donghyuck again and I wouldn't be there to prevent it.

As I tossed sweaty, cigarette-smoke-soaked shirt onto the back of the chair, I heard a knock on the door. Hyuck wouldn't knock, so the thought of someone wanting something from me again made me irritated. I just prayed that it wasn't someone important who said this late hour was the perfect time for a drink in a more private atmosphere. But when I opened the door, there was a _trembling_ girl in the hallway who had poured a drink on me earlier.

"What's going on?" I asked, looking at Hunter. From his gaze, I concluded that, of course, he didn't know the answer to the question I was asking. Before I could pull myself to eat him out, the girl spoke up.

"I've come to apologize to you for tonight," said shyly, looking down at feet.

"It's okay," I muttered, yawning almost immediately. I was glad that we didn't leave this place until tomorrow evening and before we left, we had no obligations other than a polite goodbye. "I already said that," added tiredly.

"Mr. Esposito sent me to you as an apology for his son," explained, noting that I hadn't received the information properly the first time. I closed eyes, resting temple on the doorframe. I sighed heavily, wondering for what sins this was.

"Come in," I muttered, pushing the door towards the wall to make room for her. The girl slipped nimbly through the free space under my arm. "How long did Marco make you stand here?" I asked Hunter, whose expression was more than surprised. _Welcome to the mafia brothel, boy_ , I thought.

"Until Haechan is back," he explained absently.

"Great," I sighed heavily, feeling irritation growing. Donghyuck would know how to deal with this situation better. "Don't let anyone but him in," I just said, slamming the door behind. When I turned around, the girl was completely naked, clearly unable to decide which part of her body to shield from me first. "Get dressed," I said calmly, handing her my shirt. I've been through this scenario many times.

"Why?" she wondered but doing what I asked for without hesitating.

"How old are you?" I asked as watched her pull on panties.

"Fifteen," she whispered, glancing at me uncertainly as if she didn't know if could even do it.

"Are you a virgin?" another important question determining the scale of how much work I will have to do. The girl, however, denied it. "How many guys have you been with?"

"Two," she whispered. Judging by how she was acting now, I didn't even want to know what kind of guys they were.

"Sit down, it won't work," I told her. "You're too young," explained, using a fairly appropriate excuse.

"I can't go back," protested, on the verge of crying. Still, I could clearly see that avoiding sex with me would make her very happy. "If Mr. Esposito finds out..."

"If you don't say anything, he won't," I sighed heavily, picking up bra from the ground and tossing it under the bed where she will sleep. I kicked the dress closer to the wall at the entrance. "The choice is yours," I said as walked over to her. "If you want sex, you'll have it. If you don't want sex, take my clothes, wash yourself and go to sleep. Decision is up to you," explained her matter-of-factly, knowing the answer in advance. If I didn't know, the strategy would be different. A prostitute with two clients on her account is not yet as indifferent as the one with a hundred, nor so calculating to pay for her silence like the one with several hundred.

"Why are you so good to me?" she asked, sniffling.

"I'm not," I said simply, giving her a packet of tissues.

❤

**[donghyuck]**

I didn't like to lose sight of Minhyung. Marco, however, valued his safety more than Lee's, so when he, Tony, Ignazio and Santino sat down at the table, I stood next to Vernon behind Perez's back. This meant that all the fish had gone to sleep and the real predators were just beginning to hunt.

"Sorry about Theo," Esposito tossed casually at the new drink deal before serious business topics hit the table. "I sent Mark a gift as an apology to make his night pleasant," laughed, patting Perez on the back in a friendly manner. My heart literally stopped beating in seconds.

"You didn't have to. It's just a minor misunderstanding," Marco assured. "But I'm grateful," he added right away so as not to offend the mafia accomplice. "Mark will make good use of such a gift," he laughed, clinking glasses with Tony before drinking all the expensive alcohol.

"Tell me, Marco, how many of these girls do you have for sale?" Santino finally asked, signaling to begin the final conversation for this dinner. The atmosphere became serious.

But at this point, I became the most useless bodyguard in the history of this company. Part of me collapsed completely and whirled into the center of mental chaos. I was no longer able to monitor my surroundings or look for potentially threatening situations.

My thoughts were with Minhyung.

I began to wonder what I would actually see when I got back to our room. I trusted him with all my heart, or at least I wanted to trust him. Life, however, has already written various scenarios for us and I was simply oversensitive about betrayal. Unjustified or not - this fear was deep inside me and wouldn't give up. Plus, Minhyung wasn't as sober as he looked. He was famous for making stupidity being drunk and ill-considered decisions with deplorable results.

Therefore, time stood still for me and didn't want to move forward.

Minutes turned into hours.

And uncertainty into panic.

We walked slowly down the empty corridor. Marco dragged on mercilessly, swaying slightly from time to time. Everyone at the table was clearly overdoing it, happy that business was going as it should. After all, I wanted to be in a room that was in a completely different part of the building, a good seven minutes away at a brisk pace. Under normal circumstances, this distance would have pleased me but now it seemed to be a painful journey.

"Give him a break," Perez said before entering the bedroom, placing a hand on my shoulder to keep balance. "It was a tiring banquet," sighed heavily. "Stay a little outside the room when you get there," he instructed me, patting lightly on the back.

"Of course," I replied, leaning forward slightly as a sign of accepting the command without murmuring.

As the door closed behind Marco, I started going ahead angrily.

_I'll give him a tiring banquet. Shit he will have not a tiring banquet._

Hunter was leaning against the wall opposite the door to the room I shared with Minhyung. He didn't observe at all if nothing was happening around. Boy stared at the floor as ran the sole of shoe over the carpet. I walked over to him calmly, trying to keep the most neutral tone of voice I could.

"The girl is still here?" I asked and he just nodded in acknowledgment. I didn't know if Hunter was wiped out with a banquet or Mark's vision of fucking a teenager but he looked dull. "That's great, go back to Marco," I told him. The boy didn't answer, just bounced off the wall and started going slowly towards where I had come from. I rolled eyes as waited for him to disappear around the corner. 

Eventually, after a few damn long minutes, I got the green light to trespass inside. However, when I entered the room, the first thing I saw was a girl in Minhyung clothes sitting on the bed by the window. The room was illuminated by the dim light of the lamp, which, instead of revealing the interior design, rather left it to the observer's imagination. Immediately after that, I tripped up over dress, which lay disheveled on the floor. Minhyung wasn't around.

"Good morning" the girl greeted me hesitantly. The sheets were still starched, untouched.

"Good morning," I muttered, a bit confused.

"The other mister is in the bathroom," she explained, seeing my confused gaze. I nodded. "You're more handsome than I thought," added calmly as I took off mask and jacket.

"Thank you..." I whispered, glancing at the sound of the toilet flushing. Minhyung left slowly, wearing the same pants he had worn at the banquet and a white t-shirt. Boy looked at me with relief, smiling sleepily under breath.

"Is it over finally?" he asked, rubbing tired eyes with the back of hand.

"Yes," I confirmed, nodding at the girl.

"Tony claimed apparently that sex with a minor is a good redress for Theo getting to you, so the three of us will spend the night together," explained quickly, drinking half a bottle of water on the table at once. I think a premature hangover started to catch him.

"Got it," I whispered hesitantly, taking a step back to turn the key in the lock.

"What's your name?" Minhyung meanwhile asked the girl, trying to hit the plastic cap on the bottle thread without looking at it.

"Amélie," said, sniffling.

"Go to sleep, Amélie" he waved hand at the bed where she was sitting. "It's been a tiring day for all of us," boy yawned, ruffling hair with hand. "I've been waiting for you with the shower," Minhyung muttered sleepily in Korean as he walked closer to me. "I've been dreaming all evening to catch a glimpse of your sexy ass with water dripping on it," added in a whisper, patting my buttock discreetly. I huffed under breath.

"Just have a look?" I asked incredulously.

"Bumblebee..." Minhyung laughed, nudging me with nose on the cheek. I glanced quickly at the girl. She had her back to us.

"Can't we send her back?" I whispered, though she wouldn't understand anything anyway. I pushed Mark slightly towards the bathroom. There were two reasons for such an action. I wanted to talk to him in private without keeping a show distance. Secondly, I was horny all day long and wasn't going to deal with it alone today. That's not what I had a man for.

"It's a gift," explained, tugging on my tie. "What do you think?" Mark laughed as closed the bathroom door behind us, pushing my back against it right after.

Minhyung tasted like toothpaste. He knew perfectly well that with alcohol on tongue, he couldn't even come near me. Apparently, Mark decided to prepare. The boy slowly slid shirt off my shoulders, simultaneously placing aggressive kisses on my neck. I sighed softly, tilting head back to ease access. At the same time, I quickly got to Minhyung's pants, unfastening the belt. It is interesting that he was so tragically tired a moment ago. Fascinating how quickly you can be resurrected.

"What if she says you didn't fuck her?" I asked between kisses. It was an important matter and a significant threat. We couldn't take this option lightly.

"She won't," said confidently, taking off t-shirt. I had no idea what they were doing here until I got to the room but he was confident of success.

"How do you know?" I continued to drill down on the subject, even though we were facing each other completely naked and I knew very well that Minhyung now has completely different priorities.

"Should I go and fuck her then to provide you better sleep?" Minhyung asked, sighing irritably. I raised eyebrows up at him icily. There was a second of tense silence between us. "It was a joke" finally tapped my buttock a few times to relax the atmosphere. "Maybe not funny but still a joke, so don't look at me like that," he asked while I kept stone face on. I burst out laughing and put hands on the boy's shoulders.

"Cool down from this fear or you won't get hard," I whispered, biting his ear. "And I really want it to work as it should," I laughed when felt Mark's strong hand on my neck and boy's hot lips against mine.

I loved provoking him.

I didn't even notice when we actually ended up in the shower. When Minhyung was horny and I was submissive, his actions were sharpish fast. In no time the cabin closed and the water began to wash our bodies.

I was surprised that the bed didn't attract us so much when we were in apartment or at my house. Sex was taking a back seat somewhere and lately we really didn't feel like anything more than lying in bed and watching weird stuff on the internet. However, it was enough for us to go a bit outside the city and find ourselves in a place where we should not stuff our tongues in each other mouths and the sexual tension would appear and hit with the force that demanded immediate satisfaction.

It gave me a shudder as back touched the cold glass of the shower cubicle, even though warm water was streaming down my body. Mark's skin was warm too, lips suddenly slower and more patient, hands gentle and calmly exploring my fragile existance. I looked boy in the eye, tearing our lips apart for a moment. I wanted to find in them an assurance that it would be good, that nothing would happen to us. So far, we have lived a beautiful dream of two madmen in love who didn't care about the dangers lurking around every corner. Dreams, however, do not last forever, and we felt more and more confident in this illusion.

"Can you be discreet?" Minhyung asked, apparently amused that he initiated spontaneous sex at a time when we absolutely shouldn't have sex.

"You know perfectly well that I can't," answered honestly. Mark made me the loudest person in the world in bed. He just liked to make me scream ecstatically and I liked scream ecstatically under him. These were the dynamics of our relationship and that was what we cherieshed the most. "You have to teach me," I muttered, biting boy's clean, shaved beard.

"Okay then..." he whispered, sliding slowly down. I didn't know what he was planning today but that wasn't a standard position for us. Mark kneeling in front of me is like a falling star from the sky - a complete rarity. I laughed as Minhyung sucked on my stomach to leave a hickey there.

"Hey, little hooligan," I said, pulling his hair back. Mark smiled broadly, throwing my right leg over shoulder. If he thought I would be able to stand in that position during sex, I warmly congratulated his imagination. I wasn't that flexible.

"Hey..." he began suddenly, lips against the inside of my thigh.

"Mm?" I gave him a questioning look.

"What if there are wires in the room?" he asked suddenly, as if just realized that we might not be quite as safe as he assumed. Mother of God, how irresponsible he was. Like a little puppy that will run into a car without its mother.

"You think I'd let you fuck me without checking it first?" I sighed heavily. "Take care of me now instead of asking about stupid things," I said impatiently, nodding at the shower gel. Minhyung raised eyebrows up. "It's been a while since the last time, honey," I explained as gently as I could, shrugging. We used to go without these things but when I was at work, we didn't have enough time to rest to be able to get back on feet right after raw sex. And Minhyung, quoting him from tonight at the table, liked to take me in a good and solid way.

I closed eyes, listening to the sound of water hitting the shower tiles. I rested the back of head against the glass, focusing on Minhyung's fingers sliding gently into my ass. Such a highly intimate situation allowed me to relax in a strange way. For a moment I lived under the illusion that we were completely alone here and that outside of this room no one was breathing any more. I pressed fingers into boy's hair, feeling his lips against my upper stomach at an angle that suggested he was watching me closely from below. Minhyung stretched me only once or twice throughout our relationship, so I wasn't surprised he wasn't sure if was doing it right. But it was great.

"Come to me," Mark finally murmured, taking fingers out. I grinned, sliding leg off his shoulder so I could wrap thighs around boy's waist. 

The position we chose was not the most comfortable one but the current conditions weren't perfect either. The environment imposed limits on us, into which we had to fit in today in order to take any positive memories from this trip. We used to have a habit of having sex in all sorts of strange places. The situation today, in fact, was by no means all that unusual or extreme. Just different and requiring a little more discretion than usual.

"Go ahead," whispered, lifting hips. I pressed our lips together so I wouldn't make any too loud noises but it didn't work out that much. When I felt Minhyung inside, I wanted to break the kiss just to get rid of that grunt. At times, Mark knew my body language better than I did myself, so when my mouth escaped, he caught it immediately, stifling a groan.

"Shhh, you misbehave, bumblebee," Minhyung muttered, biting on my bottom lip.

"I know," sighed weakly, clenching hands around the boy's neck. "But you make me misbehave" I decided to defend myself.

"Mmm, my fault then," he laughed, getting to the point.

We have adopted the tactic of lips that never part. It got harder and harder as time went on. The body was getting tired in a natural way and the erotic sound of the bodies colliding with each other in the accompaniment of water, only turned on more. Mark was just making me feel insane but he was in some strange way always in control. It was an interesting connection between us. In bed, Minhyung didn't get carried away as much as in everyday life. I, in turn, lost all rationality with the moment when our lips met and our naked bodies began a strange dance.

After that time, there was no room for disharmony in our relationship. As for this idea, we were just fitting in well on the beach back then. My hips made a quiet semicircles back and forth, sliding rhythmically along the Minhyung. The boy, in turn, perfectly sensed the moment when I was going down, to come up against me. And we never worked on it. It just happened to us. Even if it was just sex, sometimes I liked to think that our meeting was destiny and that the harmony and balance of sexual intercourse could extend beyond the bed as well. I used to be a naive dreamer at times but Mark thought of us that way too, so at least we were in this naivety together.

I groaned loudly, resting mouth on Minhyung's shoulder as I felt like I would be finishing soon. The first wave of pre-orgasm rushed through my body, leaving behind only the urge to be fulfilled quickly. I felt the boy's fingers painfully tightening on my buttocks, as well as his heavy breathing against my neck, which was immediately washed away by the water. I threw head back, squeezing eyes shut tightly. Minhyung's hand immediately went to my mouth and blocked a half-scream, the choked form of which mingled with Mark's grunt on my shoulder. 

After a moment of orgasmic muscle tension I put arms around boy's neck, panting heavily and trying to get back to previous breathing rhythm. My legs jerked sideways into position Minhyung jokingly called _a frog on a slippery leaf_ and butt slid downward on Mark, even though it was all over. I just didn't have the strength or the desire to distance myself from the boy right now.

"You're not suitable for sex in forbidden places," he laughed, breathing heavily. Minhyung's lips kissed slowly along my shoulder as if it was a necessary procedure to rest temple there.

"You're a great whisperer," I joked, gently lifting hips up so the boy could finally come out of me. We both fell to a flat seat, giving our tired knees a rest. Minhyung pulled me closer, resting our foreheads against each other. We smiled in blissful silence, letting the water wash away the remnants of this strange sex from us.

"The bumblebee whisperer," Mark said at last after a long time, as if had thought unbelievably long about it. I started laughing, just kissing him in response. Any other comment seemed simply redundant.

❤

**[minhyung]**

We lay in silence for a long time, as if listening to the impending danger. Amélie was lying across the room, breathing calmly, deeply asleep. Outside the window it was brightening very slowly, approaching 6 am. I inhaled Donghyuck's scent with each slow breath, feeling strangely blissful at the thought that I couldn't quite tell where my legs started and his ended.

"Who's driving to New York?" boy asked sleepily in Korean, bettering naked body in my arms. I slowly pulled dented hand from beneath Hyuck's ribs and placed it bottom up next to his.

"Rock... paper... scissors," I whispered, clenching fingers into a fist. Hyuck left his hand limply open and began to laugh. I sighed heavily, kissing his shoulder. "When laziness starts to pay off..." I muttered, shaking head in disappointment.

"I'll drive," he said cheerfully, kissing my loser hand. "You drank too much to get in the steering wheel in the evening," explained calmly, lacing our fingers together. I was grateful. I felt that after so much alcohol the hangover would kill me when I woke up.

"My caring little boy," whispered sleepily, biting boy's ear gently. Donghyuck laughed as turned to face me. He didn't have much room for maneuver because the bed was single.

"This situation is getting sicker and absurd the more I think about it," he sighed, hugging my waist. I lay down on back to make it more comfortable for us.

"We'll lecture her on my penis size and everything will be fine," I muttered, placing hand on Hyuck's hip. The boy nudged me angrily. I laughed softly, my stomach muscles contracting involuntarily. "What if they keep statistics?" I asked, amused as combed his damp hair lightly.

"Client dick lengths?" he looked at me doubtfully and eyebrows were raised high.

"Monthly Statement and Length Bonus?" I tried to make him laugh after all that hectic day and somehow I managed. Hyuck's mouth left a soft purr of satisfaction.

"Knock your head, dummy," he sighed longly and put leg over me. Donghyuck was clearly getting ready to fall asleep. "I have no strength for you," added in a whisper as my hand tactically traveled to his thigh.

"You always say that and you always want more," yawned, closing eyes. I put arm around Hyuck and rested cheek comfortably on the top of his head.

"Mmm, I know."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What I like about publishing story here is that I finally matched the time of story with real time. It's not the case on Wattpad where time of story is different with real time. 
> 
> Just fun fact about What if...? XD I just enjoy it a lot. The publishing atmosphere is completely different in the face of this.


	58. Scary mind of yours

**[february 2021]**

**[minhyung]**

Marco put various folders in a leather binding before me, with the personal details of their recipients embossed in gold. Passing me piece by piece, he spoke in detail about every man whose name was reflected in my eyes and explained the conversation techniques that spoke to them most. Inside were photos and a brief description of the girls Marco had in his brothel. The whole thing looked a bit like the sex menu at an erotic Thai restaurant.

"In a few months there will be a big finalizing dinner," he explained when all the materials were in a pile. I brought them to my lap. "These folders are split into several separate trips," added, making me realize that I would have to enjoy the out-of-town trips that I hated so much. On the other hand, I couldn't do it alone. Were it not for Hunter's last companionship during our field work, the choice of a partner for a business trip would have been obvious. Hyuck, however, lived with a million doubts lately, and I couldn't deny him right. "Some for a few days, some for more," Marco said, stubbing cigarette. I was just nodding without saying anything. I only accepted what he had to say to me - as always.

"That's all?" just asked, glancing at watch. Donghyuck had been waiting for me for an hour. Maybe the brunet was patient with the time but I wasn't. I didn't like the feeling of holding the other person in limbo.

"No" Perez denied. "I have one more point to discuss with you," he said, resting elbows on the desk. Man looked at me carefully above clasped hands. I was ready. "What happened between you and Theo at the last banquet?" he asked and I sighed heavily, making face as if I was looking for that moment in my head.

"He was making some... bed suggestions for Haechan," shrugged. "Nothing relevant actually, you know what Theo is like," I added, bravely answering the inquisitive Marco with my dull look.

"But you did intervene," he remarked in a tone that I didn't like. Hyuck was right. Recently, the air tasted like problems to come. Now I felt it too.

"It's logical...?" I raised an eyebrow as if was shocked that Marco didn't see it that way. The man spread hands to the side, giving me room to explain the obvious. "Marco, fuck, it's unethical and unprofessional for him to demand something like that and for us to allow it," I smirked under breath. "How does it look like on the outside that we give our employees like whores. If the kid hadn't been under Steven yet, that's half the trouble," I waved hand as if none of it really bothered me. "But he's from basement. We should respect it for the sake of the image. At least I think so." I held hands up as if the final decision was Marco's anyway and my opinion is just a hypothesis. "You know I don't see the world like a healthy person. If I did wrong, tell me, I won't lift a finger again... "

"I think Haechan would defend himself but no, you didn't do wrong," Perez shook head, suddenly searching for the lost pages on the desk. I don't think he expected such an answer. "Sure, you're right, I think so too," he finally admitted.

"I can see that you're concerned about somthing in this situation after all," I remarked carefully. Donghyuck claims that retreating as soon as Marco was pinned to the wall wasn't a good solution. It looks like satisfaction after a quick win that is falsely achieved. I had no idea how he knew such things but I simply trusted this boy and followed all the directions he gave me.

"I thought maybe you reacted because there is something between you and Haechan," he said finally and I fell silent, smiling crookedly, eyebrows raised.

"It's your imagination that's taken you now," I finally said, amazed. I tried to think of it as suggesting a relationship with Steven for me. It came out more authentically.

"You're close," he shrugged.

"Yeah, I guess you can put it that way," I didn't deny. There was no point in denying such nonsense. In theory, we were all close here. "You wanted it," I pointed Marco's past request out, wanting to present myself as someone who does whatever boss says.

"Do you trust him?" Perez asked and I put on a thoughtful look on face.

"Hmm..." I sighed longly, falling heavily on the back of the chair I was sitting on. "As far as my natural suspicion allows me... but rather yes?" I shrugged. "You wanted that too."

"You fucked - that's not what I wanted," Marco said suddenly and I had to admit that it was very accurate shot. I didn't expect this at all.

"That's what I wanted, actually," I laughed as if it meant nothing and didn't make me shocked; as if none of it was a special secret. "But that was a long time ago. Probably... didn't even know he was working here...?" I muttered faintly, as if wondering once more. "Yes, I didn't know that. Are you aiming at something specific at all with that? " I asked, giving the topic a status: _irrelevant to me at all_.

"I was hoping that something had moved in you, you know, emotionally," he said, escaping into a concerned father's tone. I was starting to get lost in what he was trying to achieve in this conversation and what I should give him.

"Marco..." I started hesitantly, this time pretending to be only partially confused. Talking about emotions with Perez was unusual and because of that, it really, really baffled me. "Thanks, but... that wouldn't be good for anyone," I finally replied, choosing to lie.

"But it's inside the company," he assured, as if saw no problem. It made me see too many of them right away.

"The worse, from my perspective," I said flatly. This relationship behind everyone's backs was indeed problematic. However, the open relationship in this environment became additionally dangerous. "We work together as subordinates to you. It's a completely different kind of relationship too... I don't know, Marco. If it's something you want, I can try, pretend, something... Except you know perfectly well that I don't feel anything... Not only towards Haechan... in general" shrugged, looking at him expectantly for instructions.

"We're having this conversation because Isabelle asked me to," he sighed heavily, looking away. It didn't appeal to me. It was a bit inconsistent. "She thinks you should have a right to get involved with someone, married, just be in relationship at all and my role is to let you know that you have that right," Perez said and I nodded, signaling my acknowledgment.

"That's nice of her. Of you as well," I replied carefully. "I can only try but I won't promise you anything," I added, bettering the folders on my lap. I wanted to get out of here. The air choked me.

"Fine." Perez coughed as if he felt uncomfortable with the subject brought to the surface. "I trust you with these documents" returned quickly and deftly to the present affairs. "It's secret, so too much for Steven doesn't have to be said, either. I prefer to have everything under control only between us. "

"Sure."

❤

**[donghyuck]**

While waiting for Mark, I tried to read the book he was talking about on Christmas. _The unbearable lightness of being_ , a book that taught my boyfriend what love is. As I went through the chapters of this novel, I was shocked that Mark's definition was so positive and normal because all of the relationships here were fucked up to me from top to bottom. In some strange way, the relationship between Tomas and Tereza did resemble us a bit but in a very caricatured version. Tomas was forever cheating on Tereza but at the same time he couldn't imagine life without her and it was from him that she sensed women and went mad at the mere thought of another betrayal she couldn't bear. I was only worried about potential betrayals, which, however, did not follow. There was even a figure of Sabina, who in our real life could be Isabelle, i.e. friendship combined with sex without obligations and no love.

About in three-quarters of the book, I heard the clink of keys being turned in a lock. It meant a pause in reading. I locked myself up from inside earlier so as not to have to explain to a potential uninvited guest why I was lounging under a blanket on Mark's business couch. Minhyung walked in with a pile of folders in arms, which quickly put on desk and returned to shut the door without a word.

"Hi, Bumblebee," he finally greeted, taking off jacket.

"Hello, handsome," I muttered, stretching with a yawn. I cleared the boy's seat on the couch next to my feet. Minhyung sat down with a heavy sigh. "What do you have to take off your chest today, Mr. Lee?" I asked, watching him slowly loosen tie. I leaned forward, taking care of it in one swift move. Black-haired must have had a hate-based relationship with that fucking ties.

"I had a very strange, even disturbing, conversation with Marco today and I don't know what to make of it," confessed without further ado.

"What conversation, Hyungie?" I got scared and moved closer with the whole blanket. Mark gave me a stressed look, then put hand on my thigh and began talking carefully about it.

Indeed, all of their exchange was inconsistent. From relating to the situation, to weird questions, the almost aggressive and accusatory bringing out our sex on the beach, to paternal permission and washing face with an alleged request from Isabelle, which was hardly even true. Theo became a great excuse for such talk. After all, there was nothing more alarming than the boss's right hand standing up for the virtue of a bodyguard. Minhyung's reactions in this situation, if they were what he presented to me, were very reasonable and adequate after all. The overall picture, however, remained disturbing.

"You answered him very well, I think..." whispered, carefully combing Hyung's hair.

"I just didn't know..." boy sighed heavily, taking my hand and kissing it gently. "It sounded like he was giving me a chance to confess," said, avoiding my eyesight. I shared that feeling with him. Feeling of being ashamed for doing something secretly, against the system. Feeling like we're lying to everyone around.

"He hates me, Mark," I said, however, wanting to take the burden off from him at least. "He would have to go crazy to push you into my arms," I laughed, because Marco's vision of wanting our candy-like relationship together was simply ridiculous.

"What did he want to achieve with this?" Minhyung asked, staring at me eagerly for an answer.

"I assume he wanted to find out if you are still 100% his," I sighed heavily, Mark just rolled eyes. Of course, because he was such a free alpha male that he was outraged by such statement. "You once told me that everybody belongs to somebody here, so don't look at me like that now, baby," I pointed out.

"I'm just curious about this beach," boy quickly changed the subject to something other than serfdom. "He knew we were together then. Why is he pulling it out after all this time? It was almost two years ago," said, clearly nervous. I wasn't surprised at all.

"Maybe something is happening that we don't know, or maybe he had no excuse before to let you know he knew it," I explained calmly, sliding feet under Minhyung's thigh. If we were together I would be less of a threat to Marco. It is true - I'd do anything for him then. This was what he wanted and that meant he was more afraid of me than was showing. It was quite an important signal for me and still a great unknown for my boyfriend who, as usual, didn't see the big picture - he could only see the broken pieces. But what was the best thing in all this for Mark? For Marco to know or not to know? I haven't been able to judge that yet, so it's better to watch how the situation develops. "May I ask, what are these folders?" I wondered suddenly, nodding at the pile of leather-bound documents.

"You can't," Minhyung replied firmly and I didn't protest. I was just curious. It wasn't a necessity for me to live. Honestly, I guessed their content anyway. "Marco said he preferred that only me and him know about them," boy added after a moment as I gently snuggled into him. "Don't mention Steven you saw something like this here, hm?" asked, kissing my temple.

"Hyungie... you think if you can't tell me something, I'm gonna start talking to Steven about it?" I muttered in a falsely offended tone. On the other hand, I began to wonder why Steven is being increasingly overlooked about important events. Currently, there was a brothel with which he was associated for many years. I was hoping Marco hadn't found out about things Steven was hiding from him. Now we lived in such a symbiosis in the basement that the release of the man's secrets involved the release of mine and Mark's. We have created a dangerous information triangle.

"I don't know, I'm just afraid, that's why I warn you so," Minhyung admitted bluntly and I nodded.

"I know and understand," assured the boy. "Filters everything 10 times before I say anything. Don't worry about your stuff. It's safe in my head."

"You fascinate me," Mark laughed without a trace of surprise. "I love your scary mind," he sighed, putting arm around me tightly.

"You're the only one who loves it," I whispered after a moment in response.

❤

**[minhyung]**

When I woke up in a cold bed, it was still dark all around me. I wasn't even surprised. A similar pattern had been repeated for several days in a row. I sighed heavily, rolling over on back and stared at the ceiling for a moment, counting slowly to three, then stood up. 

I didn't even have to look for Donghyuck. As usual, he was sitting in the living room plunged into the night and looking through the glass at the everlasting city, smoking a cigarette. I walked over to the armchair, standing over the boy with a pissed-off expression. I was worried about that getting up thing once, twice, three times. Now it just irritated me.

"So many questions unanswered..." he muttered after a moment of eloquent silence as he stubbed cigarette in the ashtray.

"Can't you think about them in bed, Hyuck?" I asked, full of powerlessness consuming me. I couldn't help him, so only helplessness remained. Donghyuck's mind was working on a completely different level to which I had no access. All I could do was hug him, hoping that he would finally fall asleep from the warmth of the other body.

"I don't know..." he yawned, rubbing eyes with hand. "Should I?" muttered, glancing at me with an apologetic smile.

"Don't make me mad, baby," I whispered, shaking head. I didn't want to argue with him at 3 am. It was a very bad time for such things. That's why I crouched in front of the boy. "What are you thinking about lately?" I asked calmly, placing hands on brunet's hips. Hyuck sighed heavily as his forehead fell over mine.

"I don't know anymore..." he muttered under breath, sliding head down onto my shoulder. I hugged him gently.

"Probably some other guy, huh?" I joked and Hyuck laughed.

"There's one that keeps me awake at night sometimes," he replied amused, slipping hands under my t-shirt.

"Probably some tall blonde American from the basketball team," I said to keep the mood alive as I took the brunet in arms. In fact, jealousy of Seth has decreased considerably since he's not in touch with Hyuck. If he stayed silent in the shadows, it must have meant that already given up on ex-boyfriend. Seth didn't know that someone completely different was taking care of Hyuck now, so he probably just accepted the fact of their separation.

"Of course," he said, surrendering to everything I did with him. Hyuck was soft like rubber after so many long nights. "Such a complete opposite of you," muttered, kissing my neck slowly.

"You're not sleeping well lately," I explained to him in a worried tone and got up slowly, bettering boy in my hands with a slight toss. "We're going back to bed, right?" I made sure. "Don't get out of it any more while I'm still asking you nicely."

"What will be the next step in asking?" he asked dimly, visibly drifting off to sleep. I moved cautiously towards the bed. Hyuck, however, was a child of quite a size after all.

"I'll grab your hair and force you there," I promised, unable to judge how far from the truth it actually was.

"Sometimes I forget how thin your line is between request and coercion," whispered before I covered him with the quilt and although he did it completely unconsciously, it somehow hurt me.

When we got to work this morning, only Steven was sitting in the basement. He looked through the morning news on laptop and didn't care at all about the pile of documents that homicide policemen had placed in our boxes yesterday. Stealing the rich woman's dog from the tenement house was more important.

"Where's the pest?" I asked about Hunter, bumping butt into Hyuck's chair. He still had a million errands to do outside the basement today anyway. Boy leaned over the computer and began clicking something quickly. I rode on wheels all the way to the side of the friend's desk.

"Somewhere in the ditch, I hope," Steven muttered with sincere hope and a wish for his new colleague to die. "Listen, now there's going to be a piece about you and your mother-in-law," he laughed and I knew he had prepared something unpleasant. Man turned up the volume of the song that was playing in the background on a very snappy bit, doing lip-sync with really wide smile on lips. " _Talking with my mother she said - Where'd you find this guy? I said - Some people fall in love with the wrong people sometimes..._ "

"Very funny, Steven," I muttered, looking at him sidelong. "I'm working on making it different," I sighed heavily at the very thought of Mrs. Lee. This woman's character was worse to tame than her son. There was no way to please her. Once you get into black book, you're already fucked up for the rest of your life.

"And how are the results?" man asked with amusement, knowing full well there was nothing. The results were still deplorable. Recently, I was trying to unpack the purchases she had made while Donghyuck was showering but instead of accepting my help, she took the bags from me and started doing it herself.

"She still hates me, but less and less" I summed it up succinctly not succumbing to the temptation to give up.

"Don't make my mom a monster, Minhyung," Hyuck suddenly felt indignant, looking away from the computer screen to give me a pissed-off look. The lack of sleep was making him worse than his own mother every day. "She just doesn't like you a bit," explained to me, as if that made things easier. _Great, with a little bit of incompatibility I can somehow live the next twenty years_ , I thought harshly, but didn't have the courage to speak out loud. "Hatred is a very strong word for people our age", he instructed me as a child from elementary school and went back to looking for something in the system. I rolled eyes, turning attention back to Steve, who was smirking under breath. 

I was henpecked - yeah, sure, of course, shut your mouth.

"Man, what are we doing on your birthday?" I asked instead. My mouth control was getting better as brain choked slowly in the broth of anger.

"I don't know, I haven't thought about it yet," the man frankly admitted, looking at me suspiciously. However, I followed closely what Hyuck was doing, nowhere to count the briefcase he was looking for. I smiled under breath. If to risk your life, do it properly.

"Are we going for whores?" I asked, while looking at Hyuck in anticipation of those wonderfully pissed off expressions of his sweet, chubby face. Instead of pissed off sweet baby, however, I was hit in the face with a heavy portfolio of documents.

"I'll give you whores, idiot," Hyuck said, stepping even closer. Now he was in a threesome with me and Steven. "Get to work," ordered, taking the briefcase back from my chest. So it wasn't for me. It served only to nurture the beautiful intergenerational tradition of domestic violence.

"Maybe whores no but such a strip show from Donghyuck... I could get it," Steven started laughing as looked at the brunet with a twinkle in eye. In response, he got a sweet peck in the air and a wink from my boyfriend. Steven's betrayal in this trio still hurt me. We used to do that once. Then Hyuck showed up in the basement.

"Striptease with that bony ass?" I smacked appraisingly, patting Hyuck's bottom. "I don't think so," I laughed, tucking arms up to my chest, when I saw the brunet's pissed off gaze. Donghyuck lifted leg and rested shoe against the chair between mine. He leaned in slightly towards me, resting forearm on knee.

"And I don't think anyone other than whores are going to give you ass anytime soon, so why not, Steven, take your friend to some good brothel," he whispered in a grave, looking me straight in the eye. I bit lower lip to keep from laughing. God, he was so cute now while trying to be dangerous. Donghyuck rolled eyes and pushed with leg chair I was sitting on. Before I could drive too far, I grabbed Steven's desk. I smirked to myself as watched Hyuck leave the basement, slamming the door.

"You love to piss him off," Steven shook head in disbelief, going back to browsing the news.

"Oh, I love," laughed, getting up quickly from the chair. Without Hyuck, I had nothing to sit here for. "But thanks to this, I'll have a striptease tonight," I whispered theatrically, patting the man on the shoulder.

"Let me know how it was," he sighed heavily, without obvious excitement.

❤

**[donghyuck]**

Today I took out ten padlocked folders for various lockers and ten matching keys for ten other lockers. All day's work and I didn't even know what for. It irritated me a bit. They weren't the same folders as Minhyung's. Mine were thicker and encrypted. At least, thanks to that, I knew that the trips that Mark would go on with his wouldn't be very dangerous. If I were to send the same files, it would mean that I'm preparing a security in case Minhyung fails to deliver the documents, whatever they are. It calmed me down a bit.

I slowly pulled off jacket and began to unbutton shirt when I felt the other body behind. We hardly spent any time together today. Only in the morning. When I arrived at the apartment, Minhyung had been there for a long time. He wrapped arms around me now and grasped hands that were halfway down shirt.

"Don't tire your fingers," whispered, kissing me gently on the neck. I sighed heavily, tilting head back. "I'll take care of it," he offered quietly. I smiled under breath as Minhyung was terribly predictable from the very morning. After all, he still thought his cunning knows no bounds.

I loved his childish naivety towards me. He was screwing up something, he thought he would come up easily and drag me to bed even easier. Every time Mark did this, I wanted to show that provoking me is not a technique that works. I was indeed like a dog in that respect. Maybe before joining the mafia I had a predisposition for this that I didn't know about. When I was treated well, I was kind and obedient but when provoked, I bit. And Mark hadn't done anything else since this morning but provoing me.

When boy finished undoing the buttons on shirt, I faced him, pushing hard against the bed right away. Minhyung fell back on the mattress, clearly surprised that I got to the point so quickly. After a while, however, he smiled under breath as if everything was going according to plan. As I straddled him, I dreamed of seeing black-haired's face when it'll turn out that this wonderful plan was only suitable for giving him a lesson.

I slowly pressed our lips together, slipping cool hand into Minhyung's pants. Man shivered, which he neutralized with squeezing hands on my hips. I mentally begged him not to moan strangely. I was only human and to some extent also a slave to my own body. If Mark made a noise that he makes very rarely, clothes would be gone for me together with revenge. This evening would end with the sex he wanted.

"Undress me completely," I whispered when there were still pants on my butt. "Slowly" I laughed, biting Minhyung's ear. "Slowly..." I repeated, moving more and more towards my half of the bed. As felt the cool air of the bedroom on legs, I slipped quickly over Minhyung towards the shirt that I made into pajamas and quickly put it on. "Thank you, darling," I muttered, giving Minhyung a strong, mocking kiss on the lips. "Good night," I laughed and stepped under the covers.

"What the fuck?" I heard Minhyung jump up from the bed behind me. "Don't even make fun of me like this," said with genuine horror in voice. I wanted to laugh.

"It's late. Time to sleep," I explained, yawning theatrically.

"But what about this striptease?" he asked almost hysterically. I turned to see his expression, trying to keep straight face.

"What striptease, honey?" I looked at him with an expression of incomprehension. As if I don't know what he's talking about.

"Lee Donghyuck."

"My skinny ass isn't able to stisfy you with a striptease you desire and deserve, sorry," I said quite seriously, turning back on him again. "You must seek happiness with another bumblebee," I muttered, wrapping myself tightly in the covers.

"I was just kidding..." Minhyung began to explain but I cut him off.

"It didn't amuse me," I explained the mistake he had made in the morning. "Good night" I said to him coldly. _I'll give you a striptease_ , I thought. _Wait until morning, asshole. You'll get such a striptease that Marco won't recognize you_.

"We have an important meeting tomorrow and you're going to leave me like this?" he asked almost as squeaky as if he had stepped back vocally to first teenage voice changes.

"Yes," said seriously.

"Hyuck..."

"You have hand at your service if it itches so much" I offered an alternative solution to his panties problem with which boy stayed.

"Good god, if I only knew you were such a vindictive devil, I wouldn't get into this relationship at all..." he said angrily, locking himself in the bathroom. 

"Nobody forced you, jerk" I huffed under breath.


	59. Strip show

**[february 2021]**

**[minhyung]**

When I opened eyes in the morning, it was already bright outside. Still, I didn't wake up thanks to the alarm clock. I was awakened by something wet, like timid rain that had yet to evolve.

_Rain inside the apartment?_

Overwhelmed by the remnants of a sleepy state and numbness, I tried to wipe the unpleasant drops off face but found myself unable to do so. And in this way I was violently brought back to reality because it turned out that my hands are simply tied. I made an attempt to jump out of bed but was brought back in previous place very quickly when it occured that my wrists were tightly attached to the bed frame above head with one of my fucking ties.

"What a pleasant rise and shine. Any sweet dreams, honey?" I heard Hyuck's sweet voice coming from the living room direction. I leaned out as much as I could and saw a boy standing at the foot of the bed with a glass of water.

"Why am I tied up, Donghyuck?" I asked, writing in my head all sorts of silly scenarios ranging from strange and unusual foreplay to unexpected betrayal with death as inevitable cause. I swallowed as the boy stepped closer, to find he was wearing absolutely nothing but my white shirt under which he was completely naked. When our eyes met, the brunet smirked and put a glass of water on the table much louder than it should have been done.

"I thought you wanted a striptease yesterday?" he whispered, raising an eyebrow seductively, then ran thumb over my bottom lip.

"Oh no, you won't do this to me," I shook head in panic, tugging wrists. It made no sense. When Donghyuck was already doing something, he was doing it perfectly. No place for mistakes.

"I just want your meeting to go well, Mark," he said in wife's concerned voice, then began to slowly unbutton shirt. "You wanted that too. What changed, baby?" he reminded me with a smile, revealing completely naked body. I stared at the ceiling immediately, slowly counting sheeps in head to soothe mind.

"Hyuck. I'm begging you," I articulated very clearly, trying to stop with the strength of mind what was dangerously approaching my crotch in a wave of unplanned quiver of arousal.

"Are you begging?" he laughed incredulously. "It's exciting," said amused, tossing something on the sheets near my feet. I was starting to literally fear what he would do with me.

"Donghyuck," tried to reason with him again. But only with a voice. My eyes were still closed because one look at his body would be the end of me. Avoiding this kind of seduction on Hyuck's part was a self-care on mine.

"Start respecting ass that pleases you, Minhyung," he suddenly said, tapping my thigh with phone strongly. Teasing part probably came to an end. He has entered a phase of being a serious lecturer. "I'll cure you of stupid jokes once and for good," he muttered under breath and then music started streaming from the speakers. When I realized this was Katy Perry's _Bon Appétit_ , I knew I was fucked. I knew that I was most likely going to die today of my over-blocked orgasm and internal overflow of sperm into brain. The revenging Hyuck knew no mercy. It was absolutely the darkest and most terrifying side of his personality.

"You won't make me the bottom," I said in horror, finally looking at him. Hyuck just smirked in response and started turning up the music. I began to laugh in disbelief and to pull on the bed frame with tremendous force. I'd rather smash it than let this kid drive me crazy. "Lee Donghyuck!" I screamed, on the verge of hysterical crying, when the brunet walked slowly onto the bed and stood astride over my head. _For God's sake, no panties_ , I sobbed in head, closing eyes. "Fuuuuck!"

My lovely, innocent guy, however, was just getting started. Donghyuck moved my cheek with foot towards him as I fidgeted too much and refused to make eye contact. Finally I looked at boy seriously, breathing hard as if I was running a marathon. Hyuck gave me a kiss in the air, starting to slide big finger down my chest.

I wanted to be strong.

I wanted to show that I cannot be easily held in palm of one's hand.

I wanted to prove that I was the dominant one in this relationship and I plan to remain so.

But when Donghyuck's foot finally reached its destination, all those desires went straight to the fuck. I got hard right on cue and started to be almost on the verge of crying because I knew perfectly well that I wouldn't be able to freely come now. I will tire myself until Donghyuck states that it's enough and my guilt from yesterday is redeemed.

I fell in love with a sadistic monster.

As Hyuck's foot disappeared from my penis, giving him the right angle to the rest of body, boy turned around and stood with back to my face. He glanced over shoulder at me with a smile to see how I was holding up. 

And I was holding up absolutely terrible. 

The last thing I saw before his / my shirt fell on my face was Hyuck's mouth forming the words _bon appétit, baby_.

I started spinning head side to side just to get the damn stuff off my face. Before I could do anything, however, I felt Hyuck's fingers wrapping around my cock with the addition of some cool and moist grease. I gasped and jerked hips up involuntarily. At first I thought Donghyuck would just ride me but then I realized that the thought was more of a desire. It would be too easy. This was not the purpose of Hyuck's revenge. The boy only lightly rubbed buttocks against me, finally sitting on lower abdomen to block me from breaking away.

"I'm going crazy with you!" I screamed, struggling wildly to at least be able to see what he was doing. When the shirt finally fell to the ground, Hyuck's back was in front of my eyes and the answers to what was going on behind them were provided by boy's fingers, making me feel good very slowly and with precision, so as not to cause premature ejaculation.

I was breathing loudly like never in my life. 

I closed eyes tightly, hoping that if I fed my imagination well enough, I would just cum straight into that malicious, stupid face of his and the fun would be over. Donghyuck, however, was clearly reading my mind because as soon as I began the pleasant visualization process, his fingers vanished from my cock. 

I bit down on shoulder to vent frustration.

Donghyuck finally turned to face me, gently grabbing my chin to hold our lips together for a brief moment. As much as I didn't want to and I really trained my own willpower, I gave him back that damn kiss like a pathetic puppet. 

Even if he was driving me crazy, that fucking devil was still my boyfriend. 

And I loved this devil with all my heart. 

Even if he was just a vengeful bitch.

"Appetite for seduction...," Hyuck hummed in my ear, giggling softly. He was clearly enjoying the whole situation. Brunet started kissing me gently on the neck and jaw, his brown hair tickling the sensitive corners of my body. All I could do was just breathing heavily through nose and trying to prevent my eyeballs from escape to the other side of orbit permanently. That was driving me crazy. That's why when Donghyuck bit down on my nipple, licking it short after, all the dams of my dignity burst and I allowed myself to pathetically plead.

"I'm hard, Hyuck!" I screamed tearfully. "For god's sake! Have mercy, you little asshole," I asked, shaking head from side to side. The music suddenly stopped. I breathed a moment longer with eyes closed, until I felt Hyuck's teeth against my lower lip.

"Any more silly jokes, Mr. Lee?" he whispered, kissing me passionately. I groaned with delight as he grabbed my neck. I shook head in denial.

"I love your bony ass," gasped out when Hyuck gave me this opportunity. He began to slowly run nose up my jaw.

"And?" he sighed erotically, biting down on my ear.

"I love you?" I asked, aiming for something I had told him far too seldom.

"Nooo" he muttered, glancing at me with sparkles in eyes. And I knew that I would remember this view for a long time.

"But it's true," I sighed, holding that gaze in the most masculine way I could. Hyuck started laughing.

"Nice to hear that," said, giving me a kiss. Hyuck's hand slowly moved to my wrists. "Last chance, Mr. Lee..." he groaned provocatively and I was overwhelmed by pure irritation by now.

"Good god, Donghyuck, if I get out of this finally, nothing will save your lustful ass, so better..." I started scolding but he interrupted me.

"Ding, ding" boy sang softly as if were humming a Christmas carol. "Bingo, sweety," he muttered, tugging on some part of his knot that released my hands from tie.

"I'll fucking kill you, little jerk," I gasped and, grabbing him right away by the hair, tossed under me.

I entered Donghyuck right to the end, fingers tightly gripping his thighs. Considering how quickly and smoothly I managed to do that, it all indicated that this little bastard had prepared himself beforehand. A very loud groan left Hyuck's throat and his nails dug into my back to such an extent that I couldn't rule out scratches full of blood. However, none of that mattered today. After all this torture, I completely lost my sanity. This is how the brunet acted on me. I entered him again and again, making sounds that I almost never made. I couldn't humiliate myself any more today, so I didn't care at all. I allowed myself soft moans and all those embarrassing grunts that were never an option with the sex I had normally initiated.

I wasn't surprised that I came in Donghyuck so quickly. I was really turned on before I even got into his ass. I was only surprised that the boy came almost at the same time. Our orgasms were maybe half a minute away. However, we both have definitely not exhausted our sexual potential today because this one intercourse didn't leave us without strength. 

On the contrary.

I wanted so much more.

"Did you like the striptease, my man?" Donghyuck gasped out laughing, still kissing me. Apparently, this whole theater didn't turn on just me.

"I never want your fucking striptease again," I gasped as pulled him closer by the back of neck. With one agile movement, I pulled Hyuck off the bed along with the sheets, which fell to the floor on the way to the bathroom. "Shower" I decided.

"Yes, please".

❤

**[steven]**

I was surprised when Marco asked me to attend the banquet. I have appeared in public very rarely. Mainly because of what I was doing, I should be anonymous. For this reason, I came earlier with Hunter who was spinning like shit in the toilet while flushing the water and didn't know what to do with himself. I sighed heavily. There was such a problem with coming to the place in installments that we always came separately and there was no one to exchange words with.

After about twenty minutes, Mark arrived. After all, when he entered the room, I didn't recognize him immediately. He looked... different. It wasn't until man got closer and I was able to get a better look at the changes that had taken place in him that I started to laugh out loud. 

These two didn't know what temperance is.

"It's visible that much?" he asked, really worried as we shook hands in greeting. It occurred to me that things didn't seem to have gone as planned.

"Dude, you're wasted as if fighting a tiger in a cage all night," I remarked a little more quietly than in a normal conversation.

"I guess I was...," he admitted, immediately grabbing a drink that was on the table. I glanced at Hunter, who was peering at us curiously from across the room.

"For god's sake, you even have a cut lip," I laughed, touching the spot with thumb. Boy grimaced and shook my hand away, annoyed. "What kind of wild sex are you practicing?" I asked with sincere amazement. Donghyuck at work didn't behave at all like someone who could sexually abuse someone to such an extent, although I knew he was able to do so.

"It's all because of you and that stupid text of yours that you want a striptease for birthday," he suddenly became indignant.

"Oh yeah, blame me for having a crazy boyfriend," I rolled eyes. "Did you get a striptease last night?"

"In the morning," he sighed heavily, avoiding my gaze. I smiled under breath waiting for the continuation. "I woke up tied up," he added quietly, taking the contents of glass all at once. 

_Oh, someone's pride hurt._

"The real devil" I nodded appreciatively. Temperament he had always fiery. Apparently it was no different in bed than in training. Donghyuck gave as much freedom as he thought was right but if someone pissed him off, he efficiently made opponent realize that his belief in domination was illusory.

"He fucking stood over me in shirt and splashed a cup of water over my face to wake me up." Mark began to relive it all, first showing me where Hyuck's shirt was reaching unbuttoned and then the way he splashed water with fingers. "He planned it all, little bastard," Lee shook head in disbelief. "He even put the music on full blast so the neighbors wouldn't hear me begging him to untie me and let fuck."

"Who am I working with?" I started laughing. The situation was as comical for me as it was for Mark tragic and derogatory. "I underestimated his power," I said mockingly, patting the boy on the shoulder for consolation. "I should have sensed that there was something wrong with him, as I felt seduced, although he never wanted to seduce me," I joked, although there was something in the statement. Hyuck acted on people intimidating in many senses of the word. Some more, some less. "I'll start to question my sexual orientation soon..."

"I wasn't laughing," Mark sighed heavily as combed hair which, despite the styling treatments, still looked like after hurricane. I was shocked that he came here in this condition. Apparently they must have finished playing shortly before leaving the apartment, or Mark's starting state was a million times worse and I was just watching the best version of him possible. Until I couldn't wait to see how Donghyuck looks like. Hopefully boy was as usual because Marco wasn't so blind to miss and so naive as to believe that their matching appearance was pure coincidence.

"Is it so hard not to have power over someone?" I asked Mark quite seriously. His whole life was based on domination. Meanwhile, he has paired with a boy who will endure everything except domination in his life. A great combination of characters. Just live together and start a family - perfect match.

"I'm used to never having that power." Mark surprised me, however, by saying this in a tone that completely accepted the state of affairs.

"So where is the problem?" I was surprised, completely not understanding his mildly cheerful expression. Since it wasn't about domination, then he should burst with energy and good mood after sex that would satisfy the erotic norm of the average citizen for five years.

"The fact that I had that beautiful ass right in front of my nose and there was nothing I could do about it," Mark explained, shaking head. He even scratched the curves of his boyfriend's buttocks in the air. I started laughing. "I couldn't even touch him."

"But you finally touched?" I made sure. Lee just snorted proudly under breath, looking at me meaningfully. I didn't want to make him realize that if Hyuck hadn't let him, he wouldn't have lifted a finger. After all, Mark probably knew it too. He had come to terms with it surprisingly fast and calm then.

"If only once," he smiled slightly absently, as if returning to those moments with exceptional pleasure. "I plowed and sowed again," added and we both laughed.

"Where's Marco?" I asked, glancing at watch. I thought he should have been here a while ago.

"Something got on his schedule on the road," Lee explained mysteriously with a shrug. I respected him for being honest with me. After the last meeting with Marco, he came and like a loyal friend said there are things I cannot know at Marco's request. He didn't want me to blame him for not being able to explain the details and not to feel betrayed if any of this finally saw the light of day anyway. I understood it perfectly. We couldn't risk. "Hyuck should get him right now," he muttered, glancing at watch. "Any goals for today?" asked, getting serious.

"Relationships, looking for potential partners in crime, showing up or - separating the grain from the chaff, if you like agriculture so much," I quipped, referring to the plowing Hyuck's ass.

"Fuck off."

❤

**[donghyuck]**

"Marco, darling, I will have one last smoke here, okay?" Isabelle asked Marco when we got there. Perez glanced over shoulder intently as buttoned jacket and nodded after a moment's hesitation. Apparently, he concluded that the two of us couldn't have much to talk about with each other because it was clear that I would accompany her.

"Fine," he agreed. "Haechan, stay with Izzy," he commanded predictably and I bowed slightly in agreement. Marco walked briskly ahead, followed by Vernon, his eyes always alert. The presence of two bodyguards at his side meant the meeting would be important and risky. The presence of Izzy, in turn, testified to show and exclusive character of event.

"How's between you two?" the girl asked me for control, igniting the flame of the lighter. We had quite regular contact privately, despite everything avoiding the subject of Minhyung like fire. I had no idea when they would reconcile. So far, nothing had announced this.

"Good" I honestly admitted. Someone might add _it couldn't be better_ , but not me. First, it sounded like outright tempting fate. Secondly, contrary to appearances, there were still understatements between us. Thirdly, it could always be better. "Even very good..." I sighed heavily, looking around the area. Even though I was here for Marco, I couldn't help but think about the dangers that could directly affect Mark.

"So good you wonder when everything will go arseways, huh?" she muttered, looking at me with a weak smile between the puffs of exhaled smoke.

"I try not to but you know how it works..." I replied in a similar tone. The issue was so sensitive that it was about the two of us - me and my wonderful boyfriend. It was rare for us to be honeyed and wonderful for a long time. I was just hoping not to contribute to this self-fulfilling prophecy. "How are you? What is he like for you?" I asked, referring to Isabelle's move last year, which was supposed to be a great new start for a relationship with the future. However, whenever we saw each other, she didn't mention this change and I didn't penetrate, feeling that the expectations didn't meet reality.

"Besides that we live together?" she asked, looking away from me. Isabelle shrugged, exhaling smoke. "Not much has changed, to be honest. I'm still his rag doll," she muttered sadly, looking into the distance. "Don't let Mark do this to you," she said suddenly with a request that almost turned into a plea. I didn't deny the turbulent beginning of our relationship but I had no intention of making Minhyung a soulless despot.

"He won't," I said confidently. Everything had been different since our argument last year.

"Has aspirations" the girl bit back. I sighed heavily.

"Sure he does, Izzy," I agreed, not wanting to go with a defensive denial at everything. "Give him a chance anyway. It's completely different man than six months ago," I assured, turning back in the direction she was looking at.

"We'll see that soon I suppose," girl said provocatively, not taking eyes off Mark, who was walking towards us. Seeing Izzy, he hesitated slightly but didn't quit. "Have you had a fight with someone yesterday?" asked mockingly, eyeing him from head to toe. She held an open packet of cigarettes out to Mark. I scratched behind ear, glancing uncertainly at the boy.

"No," black-haired sighed heavily, looking down at me. I already knew that he wouldn't spare me. "I told my boyfriend he has a skinny ass that isn't good enough for striptease and he proved me wrong this morning," Mark muttered, lighting a cigarette.

"Did you hit him?" Izzy asked in a tone as if she was telling me that I should and it was still not enough.

"Nothing like that," I shook head vigorously.

"He just tied me up and rode to a better start of the day" Mark cut in on my word, revealing all the pages of today's incident.

"Hyungie..." I muttered embarrassedly, poking him with elbow. I wanted to curl up and die. The three of us were close, but no exaggeration. Intimate matters were especially private to me. Even with Steven, I didn't bring up much of the sex topics and yet making jokes about sexuality with other male seem more appropriate than with a woman.

"Doing strip-show before of course," Minhyung added, looking me in the eye.

"Stop it," I whispered barely audible. I blushed when I heard Isabelle laugh.

"Wait, wait" she stopped the boy's tale of our morning. "Do you have on the side any other boyfriend than Lee Donghyuck?" she asked with amusement.

"No, that's the devil I'm talking about," he replied, standing half behind me. I glanced over shoulder at the building behind us, then let him lace our fingers together in the area of overlapping bodies. "Supposedly sweet, little bumblebee and if you make him angry, stings like a crazy," muttered in my ear, laughing to himself. I rolled eyes, glancing at Hyung.

"But I guess I'm still your bumblebee, huh?" I joked, unable to stop myself from sneaking a peek at boy's mouth. A mouth that I cut with teeth this morning.

"You are, sweetie, you are...," he confirmed with a smile, exhaling the smoke above my head.

"I envy you this hopeless love," Izzy stated, watching the two of us from a distance.

"Troubles in Paradise?" Minhyung asked, seemingly calm but his fingers tightened on mine. He had a lot of anger about the way Isabelle lived. This anger did not diminish over time.

"Classics of the genre," shrugged. She didn't say anything outright but it was clear Izzy was still a business tool for Marco. Just like Minhyung - a show dog. Except Isabelle served her body literally in the name of business with Marco's most important mafia partners.

"Pathetic motherfucker," Mark said angrily. This anger was mainly due to powerlessness because we knew very well that neither of us could do anything about it. "One time, I'll punch him for this," Minhyung promised in a tone that suggested that he would really be looking forward to this moment. I don't know what would have to happen for Minhyung to start a fist fight with Marco.

"Save your fists for Theo," Isabelle sighed without much emotion, as she followed Tony Esposito's car into the parking. "He always has the mating season on the bumblebees."

❤

**[hunter]**

The night lamps flashed one after the other as we drove on. The road was completely empty at this hour. Those who work late are asleep and those who get up at dawn have not yet started their day. 

As always, we were somewhere in between.

"How are you, Hunter? Are you tired?" Mark asked unexpectedly, breaking the silence in the car. I was so surprised that he even noticed my presence that I took a long time to answer a question that wasn't at all related to work.

"Not necessarily," I honestly admitted. To my eyes, not much has happened at this banquet today. In addition, Steven was with us exceptionally. It took away a bit of the stress of being always alerted. After all, the man knew everything anyway. "But I think Haechan is cut off" I noticed uncertainly, glancing at the sleeping brunet. Mark saw no problem with that, though, and even laughed at my remark. He was in a suspiciously good mood today.

"Donghyuck is this way really often. The car puts him to sleep," he explained calmly, smiling at me in the rearview mirror after glancing at the passenger seat. "Where should I drop you off?"

"I feel stupid that you ask me that..." I confessed honestly. This situation was not at all as it should be. Behind the wheel should be Haechan or, optionally, me. I didn't understand why Mark was driving.

"Stop it," he muttered, as if I were making a mountain out of a molehill. Maybe I did.

"I have to go to the company," I finally said.

"At this time?" was surprised.

"Mr. Perez has a job for me tomorrow morning, so I'll sleep in the basement," I explained briefly. There was no point in explaining where I live and how unprofitable it is for me to return there by public transport because I didn't have a private car.

"Then listen, we'll do that..." he began, pausing momentarily while making a sharp left turn at an unexpected roadworks site. "My apartment is nearby. If I leave my car for you, will you be able to park it for me before noon?" he asked.

"Sure, no problem," I agreed to these terms immediately. I was a bit shocked by the nice gesture on his part. If, however, for some strange reason he was in a good mood, it was worth taking advantage of. It always meant saving the forty minutes of walking from his apartment to the company in the middle of the night.

"Okay," Mark confirmed yet. He always had to have the last word. This thing apparently hasn't changed no matter what the current mood is. Finally, Mark stopped the car in front of block of flats, unfastened seat belts and without a word got out of the car. I did the same quickly.

"What about Haechan? Should I wake him up?" I asked quickly as Mark walked away from the driver's door which he had kept open for me. I didn't know what to do with a sleeping brunet. I didn't want to get him in a package with the car.

"No, I'll take him with me," Mark quickly denied, however. It turned out that he didn't go straight towards the entrance but only walked around the car. "He's been sleeping poorly lately, anyway," he muttered under breath, probably more to himself than to me. I sat cautiously behind the wheel, watching Mark try to unfasten Haechan from his seatbelt so as not to wake him up by accident. "Unless you prefer to stay here too," he asked when finally made it. "Certainly more comfortable than on the couch..." man muttered with concentration, slipping hands under the flabby body of the brunet.

"I'll be fine..." I assured, not quite imagining a night in his apartment along with an awkward morning with both of them. I suspected that I would even be ashamed to pee in toilet.

"What are you doing, Hyungie?" Haechan muttered sleepily, cutting my assurances in half.

"Shhh, sleep, kiddie," Mark muttered as he dragged the boy out of the car.

"Let's watch a fairy tale..." boy added in a little comprehension, entwining fingers into Mark's black hair, who narrowed eyes in response, tilting body slightly towards the pull. Haechan's unconscious hand must have made it a little too hard.

"Good night, Hunter," Lee said goodbye with a laugh, closing the door with a slightly soft kick.

"Good night..." I whispered in response to myself, watching as the _"soulless"_ Mark Lee carried sleepy colleague into the block in arms.

❤

**[donghyuck]**

My morning had been strangely calm and successful from the very beginning and I could have expected that somehow this harmony would be broken. 

I ran into Hunter in the kitchen.

"Hi," I greeted with a sigh. "How's your day?" I asked reflexively, walking over to the cupboard with the strange instant food.

"I slept on our couch, so averagely," he said in a really tired voice.

"Did you stay overnight at work?" I asked, although I knew the answer to that question in advance. Minhyung made me aware of how yesterday evening ended for us.

"Yes, it didn't pay off to go back to my apartment," Hunter admitted calmly, apparently comfortable with my ignorance.

"Will you be in the basement with us today, do you have anything else to do?" I asked another control question, which determined how much freedom Steven and I could plan in today's schedule.

"At noon I have to put back car by Mark's apartment, then I'm going to Tony with some papers and I'm supposed to take Theo somewhere on the border with the Maddoxes," he explained succinctly. I didn't want to explain him that _Mark_ had been at work for a long time now. I didn't like the order in which he mentioned him or the strange tone of voice in which he said the name. At most, he will ride for free.

"Since when did we become Marco's fellow chauffeurs?" I was surprised, however, as I focused on the last piece of information. The sudden interest of Perez and Esposito in the Maddox disturbed me. I had business to do on the waterfront soon. I didn't want to be there when I shouldn't.

"It puzzles me too, the more that driving Theo is no fun," Hunter replied without actually giving me any relevant information. I put the water in the kettle and turned to face the boy, resting back on the table top.

"He's as slippery as an eel, that's true," I admitted, crossing arms over chest. Hunter looked at me closely. I was wearing Mark's sweatshirt but he probably couldn't have known about it. Nobody could. Minhyung didn't dress for work casually. He almost always wore a shirt and jacket.

"He's asking about you," confessed to me and I grimaced.

"About me?" I was surprised. I didn't like that young Esposito's behavior was beyond the boundaries of the banquet. That idiot was dangerous. I was hoping he wouldn't do anything stupid in the future that I would have to worry about. "For god's sake, when he gets bored..." I sighed heavily, scratching temple. It was an ungrateful topic to talk about first thing in the morning.

"He's quite obsessive about you," Hunter laughed, apparently completely oblivious to the danger that comes with the son of a strong mafioso being _quite obsessed_ with something. "He probably even has photos of you from kindergarten..."

"May it not be naked shower pics" I entered his sentence, moderately supporting the further talk about Theo. I poured water over weird plastic - looking pasta with quite a pleasant smell.

"Can I ask you something?" but Hunter spoke again, instead of being silent or just going away and doing all the chores he had named me.

"You can always ask," I muttered reluctantly, stirring the pasta. My voice clearly implied an unspoken continuation of this sentence, which was _but I won't always give an answer_.

"You were in a relationship while you were here, right?" he asked, giving me some important information again with his thoughtlessness. For example, the fact that my sexual orientation was most likely no longer a secret to him. That someone had given him this information along with who my ex-boyfriend was. And that it's not Steven because Steven doesn't like Hunter, so he wouldn't tell him about me. I entered a cautious mode. Maybe Hunter wasn't as stupid as he looked. Perhaps he was drawing strange information from others about this stupidity.

"Right," I admitted. "I'm not anymore," I added immediately so that he wouldn't have to fill the information holes with stupidities and lies born out of guesswork.

"So it is possible?" he was surprised.

"It's possible but very dangerous," I replied cautiously, wondering what response he wanted from me.

"That's why you broke up?" he asked curiously. It was the first time since we met that we actually had a conversation that wasn't about work.

"Yes, that was one of the reasons," I affirmed, barely refraining from adding that the more compelling reason was that I wanted the same guy he wants now. "Secrets are a different matter because you cannot explain to an outsider what are the dangers of relationship with you but it would be good for that person to know what is getting into," I added to make it clear that Seth lives in ignorance of my work. No one could ever know that a moment of weakness made me tell him everything. Even Mark.

"It's a no-win situation," Hunter sighed heavily. I thought he was genuine in that. A voice started to reach me that maybe he wasn't asking me about these things for information. That maybe he was asking me for tips for his own use.

"Actually, yes," I agreed. It was like that. "It was so much harder for me as I was with this person for many years. The Mafia came after that," added, shrugging. Maybe if it weren't for the mafia and Minhyung, I would still be with Seth. Perhaps we could fulfill the dreams we so fiercely planned as teenagers in love.

"And the mafia ended it?" Hunter made sure he was exploring the area to see if I had another guy in my bed. With this question, he made me realize that I probably already knew where he was going. That I had it at my fingertips.

"In a way," I admitted somewhat evasively. I didn't like to lie when I didn't have to.

"And inside?"

A moment of silence.

"Relationship here?"

Silence.

"Yes."

Silence.

"I don't know if it's even possible," I finally stated, meeting his eyes. "Marco is the boss, so he and Isabelle have different rules," I said, referring to the only official relationship that was allowed to exist here. "It's hard for me to say if it is possible at all. It would be a hard-to-hide relationship for sure," explained to him as if on cue, receiving the epitome of my _hard-to-hide relationship_.

"Coffee, tea, gossips, almost like a corporation," Mark said, stepping inside. He walked between us, paying no attention to any.

"Good morning" Hunter said hello almost immediately, making me roll eyes internally.

"Good morning," Mark replied after a while, looking thoughtfully through cupboards. Without a word, I opened the one above my head. I guess he was looking for coffee. "Why are you suddenly so silent?" asked, noticing my tip. He stood beside me and reached for the coffee can. I closed the cupboard and Mark returned to place near the kettle.

"We've been bagging you out," I said without a shadow of a joke, looking at Hunter's suggestively. And for the first time, Hunter didn't look away from me. Fascinating.

"I thought so," Minhyung muttered under breath, completely ignoring us. He slowly poured boiling water over the cup.

"We talked about whether a relationship inside is possible," I explained, still looking Hunter calmly and firmly in the eye. Mark stood to the side perfectly between us.

"What, are you drawn to each other by forbidden love temptation?" he asked with amusement, perfectly sensing that it is him it was all about. It's great that it amused him so much. Somehow this situation didn't make me laugh at all.

"Of course not," Hunter was unexpectedly indignant.

"What if so?" I asked Mark, eyebrow raised.

"There's nothing to be ashamed of," the boy put a hand on my shoulder, which was supposed to look supportive but was actually a reassurance and a sign that I should relax. I wish I could see this relax in Mark when Seth calls me. A fucking hypocrite. "Steven and I often wonder what would have happened if it hadn't been for his epic heterosexuality which is beyond all questions, of course," he added suddenly, amusing me nonetheless. Even though Steven had wife and children aside, he dangerously penetrated the details of our erotic life. Everything was obviously a joke but still...

"He once told me that if he weren't straight, the full of erotic ecstasies randez vous would have been behind you for a long time now," I added, remembering how Steven called Mark every teenager's dark, wet dream. Funny Norfolk times.

"He sees me as easy, you mean. Interesting point of view," Minhyung muttered playfully, taking a careful sip of the coffee to test whether it was ready for consumption. It wasn't. And Mark suddenly grew serious. "Seriously, I don't think any relationship is possible without Marco's official approval. Whether it's inside or out," he finally said, looking thoughtfully ahead. "Also, if any of you have someone on the side, I advise you to end it in no time. Unless you love to balance on the edge of life and death," he added, standing sideways to squeeze through us to the exit. Hyung faced me for a second, making eye contact. "You'll be sick again, baby," he muttered softly in Korean, touching my cheek discreetly as he walked to the door.

"I'm red?" I asked, putting hand against skin.

"Mhm," he sighed heavily, grasping the doorknob. Boy stood in the open door, looking at me as if waiting for an explanation.

"Maybe it's the walk in the morning. You know - from the sun?" I asked hesitantly. I didn't want him to be pissed at me again. I even wore that damn scarf that Mark was making me a fuss about.

"I know what your cheeks look like from the sun," he contradicted, resting temple on the edge of the open door. "These look like fucking cold makers."

"I don't feel sick," I assured, shaking head.

"Mhm, we'll see tonight," he muttered without enthusiasm as slowly left the kitchen. I rolled eyes. The only thing that was missing was the slam of the door. He was exaggerating again.

"You seem to be close," Hunter remarked, not making me feel better.

"Considering he just pissed me off, I don't think so," I sighed heavily, taking my pasta off the counter. Minhyung was just concerned about my health and I was trying to understand it, really. He just took it too extreme sometimes.

"I didn't understand anything, so I had no idea, sorry," the boy backed off his statement as quickly as quickly and thoughtlessly said it.

"Mark doesn't let anyone too close to him," I explained, also walking towards the exit. I didn't feel like sitting here answering stupid questions related to my fucking boyfriend.

"He lets you," Hunter said in a tone that seemed to accuse me of something indecent and, in addition, insinuating that I didn't deserve the fucking fantastic privilege that had happened to me. Stupid kid.

"Everything has a price. I didn't get it for free as a gift," replied brusquely. "If you're wondering if it's worth, the answer is _no_. _It's not worth it_ ," I lied, shrugging. "If you're still not convinced, try it yourself. If you want it so much, get into Mark's bed and see how quickly you'll escape from it" I summed up furiously, not giving shit if it would make Hunter finally guess Minhyung was actually fucking me under his nose or not. 

I was fed up with this situation. 

Fed up with childish questions and childish advances. 

I was sick of being jealous. 

So I left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next two chapers will be Valentine's Day ones so expect it in February ❤


	60. Tea roses

**[february 2021]**

**[minhyung]**

I knew this day would be unlike any other before I even opened my eyes. From the bed level, however, I couldn't judge what this uniqueness could be. In any case, I was awakened by the wonderful smells from the kitchen and the pleasant music from the radio. Hyuck's soft humming under breath made the whole thing even better.

I stretched in bed, staring out the window. Outside sun was shining nicely, although it was snowing intensely yesterday, taking away the hope that the next day would be that nice. And yet it is. Precipitation took a whole day from Donghyuck's life as well. We spent this snowy time peacefully in bed, not worrying about anything else. But when I went into the kitchen, Hyuck was cutting things, shaking ass to the beat of the music. He bloomed like a beautiful, colorful rainbow in the sky after a powerful storm.

I leaned shoulder against the concrete pillar, yawning discreetly. I wasn't one of those people who wake up in the morning with energy to live. I smirked, still a little sleepy, as Hyuck turned to face me and stepped closer to the beat of the song. As he held out hands to me, I started shaking head. There was no way for me to do that shit. I couldn't dance. Donghyuck, however, grabbed my wrists and undid arms crossed over chest.

"Hold me now..." he hummed, placing my hands on his hips. "Touch me now" laughed as he clasped hands behind my neck. Leaning our foreheads against each other, boy looked into my eyes warm and deep. All my little, dear bumblebee. "I don't want to live without you..." brunet hummed still softly, slowly bringing our lips together.

I shook head in disbelief, kissing him back. I didn't quite know what to do when dancing with another person. I missed all the school balls and discos, and the only clubs I went to were strip ones and brothels. In addition, I didn't appear there for my own pleasure but on business. I've only had experience with the romantic dance category in movies. I started rocking us a little to that old George Benson piece.

And it was nice.

Hyuck snuggled closer to me and I wrapped him in arms, hugging. I sighed softly, accepting Hyuck's nose in the crook of my neck with blissful glee. I closed eyes and rested temple against the side of the boy's head, taking surprisingly much pleasure from that little, intimate moment that we spontaneously began to share. Maybe it was because of sudden awakening of my mind, but I felt that I was melting into this embrace of bodies.

I felt safe.

"You're doing well," Donghyuck chuckled after a while as he placed a few slow, gentle and warm kisses against my neck.

"Why are you in such a exquisite mood from the very dawn?" I asked in surprise. It was really puzzling.

"Our first decent Valentine's Day today," he explained with a smile, stepping back a little. "Like I could have a different mood, baby," boy added immediately, slapping my butt, then quickly turned to finish breakfast. 

Donghyuck moved away from me, humming happily and did so just in time to miss the change in my expression that quickly faded.

The problem was...

...I sincerely hated Valentine's Day.

❤

**[donghyuck]**

I hummed quietly under breath as watched the shop windows through the car window. We were standing in a small, morning traffic jam on a narrow section of the road and the only sounds came from the machines used for road works. After we left the parking lot, we only listened to the radio for a short while. After that, Minhyung stated that the host of the show had an annoying voice and wasn't looking for luck at other stations.

There was snow outside the window and my man was in a bad mood.

What a fantastic combination.

In the back of head I still had the message I had received from Seth this morning that was still hanging in the mailbox with no answer. The question if I have Valentine's Day plans this year. I was wondering if this was a good opportunity to tell him about Minhyung. I wanted to somehow gently communicate to the blonde that there is already a guy in my life who looks after me.

That he doesn't have to.

That he could and should finally start living without me.

But it wasn't that easy. I knew Seth wouldn't be delighted, and maybe even get angry. After all, there was no way for Mark to make himself known to him for the good... things. I was also a bit afraid of Seth's judgment and an unequivocally negative reaction, questioning my choice. 

And I wanted someone to finally accept us with no doubts as to whether this relationship had a future.

"What are we doing on Valentine's Day?" I asked Minhyung, hoping that his answer would somehow show me the path to follow. I wondered if boy was already thinking about something, or if at least had chosen something among our limited opportunities to spend time together. I wanted it to be something I could immediately tap into the reply box to Seth's message to get it over with.

"I don't celebrate Valentine's Day," the boy said grimly though, staring intently at the red light in front of us. I looked at him in surprise.

"How's that?" I asked, not fully understanding his decision. The more so that nothing had pointed to it before. I didn't ask Mark if he wanted to celebrate this day anyway but it seemed logical to me. After all, Valentine's Day is a celebration for lovers and we were in love with each other, according to all arrangements. So what's the problem?

"It's just a silly, childish fest for teenagers," he muttered in response, successfully avoiding meeting my eyes. Minhyung knew perfectly well that I care about it and knew perfectly well what he was doing me with such words at that moment. I wasn't surprised that he would rather avoid me now than explain his point of view in a less aggressive way. "Time to grow out of this, don't you think?" man asked, not making the atmosphere better between us at all.

"Why are you so negative about this?" I was surprised as tried to ignore the hint at my supposed childishness. A pissed off Minhyung could always be even more pissed. Irritation and aggression rarely hit the upper limit for him. But it was caused by something. Such a strong reluctance does not appear in the name of the principle: _just because_.

"Why do I have to be positive?" he asked, however, cutting off any room for discussion. I don't think I could count on a constructive conversation. We were one step away from an argument, so I preferred to silence the boy somehow and give it up.

"You could have said right away," I noticed calmly. After all, we didn't have to celebrate this Valentine's Day in any way. I didn't consider it the foundation of the relationship. It would be nice but I didn't see it as necessary condition for being together. It was just a simple question of how to tell me that - the one who was lame as usual with Minhyung. "I wouldn't expect anything from you then," I assured, shrugging. I liked Valentine's Day but Minhyung didn't have to like it. I haven't heard of a relationship where people are perfectly suited and compatible in every way. The differences made us dynamic.

"What's wrong with you now, for god's sake?" Minhyung, however, asked irritably, tapping hand on the steering wheel. My message didn't reach him at all. With the remnants of strong will, I kept myself from pointing him out to not raise voice at me. "Fucking cheap-ass Valentine's Day? Really?" he added after a moment when I didn't reply.

"Nothing, Minhyung..." I sighed heavily, crossing arms over chest. I gave up. "As always - really, fucking nothing," I whispered, focusing eyes on the view outside the window. "Just forget it..."

❤

**[minhyung]**

The only reason I sat in the basement at Steven's desk was because I had no idea how to apologize Hyuck for my irrational and stupid behavior in the morning. I was looking at boy from a distance, watching him write something in a notebook. Neither I nor he started a conversation, we didn't exchange any comments. But I didn't want to distance myself from him now, lest it look like we were arguing. Although we didn't actually argue. I just yelled at him for no reason.

I was completely overwhelmed by emotions.

I thought we were already good at talking about difficult things but as usual, I gave the boy an argument to the contrary. Valentine's Day, for many reasons, just didn't make me think well, it was a fatal anniversary to celebrate. Donghyuck, however, couldn't have known this. He didn't read my mind. Hence, further pointless misunderstandings arose between us.

"Are you spending Valentine's Day?" Steven suddenly asked, as if reading the topic of our disagreement from the air. But it was because, instead of working, he was looking through the news, which were full of hearts, cookies and roses on a pink background.

"I'm sorry, is there any requirement to spend it _somehow_ every year?" I asked irritably, catching the man's attention. Steven raised eyebrows in surprise at my reaction. Well, having a boyfriend, I should probably approach the subject differently.

"Okay, I understand you're not spending," he stated, shaking head from side to side as if my reaction was completely unfounded. "Hunter?" tried his luck with another person.

"I don't have anyone to spend it with" the boy honestly admitted, sorting folders into ones tied with strings, ones with an elastic band and those with nothing. Every time I came downstairs, it was just such junk work for him. No wonder he was suspicious to all of us.

"I'm reading an article about spots for singles that provide attractions so that you have someone to hang out with," man pointed at the monitor. "Send you a link?"

"No, thanks," Hunter smiled awkwardly, probably not quite sure what to do with this side of Steven. Meanwhile, I suspected Steven was just trying to get him out of here as usual. Unsuccessfully. That's why he nicknamed him _Titanium Pest_. You try to kill motherfucker but it doesn't die.

"Why are you so excited about this?" I asked, involuntarily focusing on the colorful signs of the cafes and pubs he was reading about now.

"When I was a little shit, Valentine's Day was always an event," smiled to himself, recalling the days of the special lovers mail and cardboard hearts. "Any excuse is good to get your had into girlfriend's panties," he added amused, though, completely ruining my earlier vision of him as a teenage romantic. Donghyuck laughed under breath in response, as if sympathizing with the statement. I won't say that I liked it. I will even skip the fact that after my performance from morning, I won't see his panties for the next week.

"You despise Valentine's Day too, Hyuck?" Steven asked without much curiosity, assuming we probably decided not to spend it together. He didn't even know what mistake he was doing and how much it didn't improve my situation.

"No, I like Valentine's Day a lot," Hyuck replied calmly, though, every now and then searching for something on the phone and writing it down when found the answer. I had absolutely no idea what he was doing but it didn't seem like work for Marco. Nobody did anything like that today.

"Then why don't you arrange some attractions for these bores," Steven suggested, glancing at me subtly as if he'd just realized that my presence in the basement was related to a disagreement over how we spend the day with Donghyuck. 

Or over how we don't spend it, actually.

"I already have plans," Hyuck, however, replied unexpectedly, surprising me. I frowned as studied him closely. _Excuse me? Did I miss something?_ "Send them your magic links," he suggested with an ironic smile under breath and I knew that smile was meant for me. _So we're taking revenge, just fucking great._ The revenging Hyuck was by far the worst version of himself. I feared what he had planned for me as part of teaching plan for stupid behavior in the morning. "They're adults, they can do it on their own," brunet added, blocking the phone screen. Apparently he had finished what had to do.

"What are your plans?" I asked him feeling the absurdity of it all. I was just trying to figure out where my guy was going to spend Valentine's Day without me, his boyfriend. It didn't feel like a well-functioning relationship between two adult humans.

"Seth invited me to the concert," boy replied immediately, brutally throwing down on me everything that I definitely didn't want to hear. I thought this was a closed chapter. A chapter that you can safely forget without the risk that its content will infect the next chapters. Here you go - the poison is still fine and on its way to poisoning the entire book.

"You're not together anymore," I reminded him as gently as I could. I was taking a fix for Hunter sitting with us. I didn't want to get carried away, even though I really wanted to. Steven didn't make it easy for me either because he looked at Donghyuck with as much amazement as I did.

"Which doesn't mean we can't spend Valentine's Day together," he said seriously, without even glaring at me. I huffed under breath in disbelief. 

So that's what it was supposed to look like now. 

Fucking great.

"People don't spend Valentine's Day with exes," I pissed off, getting up from chair. Donghyuck sighed irritably in return, tossing the pen violently on the desk.

"Jesus, Mark..." he laughed in disbelief under breath and crossed arms over chest, legs crossed as well. "You don't like it, then stay at home and continue that hate all alone, fucking around all that shit how childish and kitsch it is," Hyuck said angrily, looking me straight in the eye. He was angry and disappointed. Okay, I understood that. But I couldn't understand Seth and I didn't want to understand. There was no place for him in all this. "But I like this childishness and I'm going to have fun even with my ex, for example," he explained bluntly, raising eyebrows up. Everything proclaimed that he'll go into town with Seth, whether I like it or not. "It's always better than alone, so get off me and take care of yourself. Nobody forces you to spend Valentine's Day with anyone, so at least don't spoil the joy of it for others who want to spend it in their own way," he said at the end, turning to desk. Steven shook head with a smile, whistling loudly to indicate that it was great. We're getting along today just perfectly - and he loves the drama. I had to admit - I was a bit shocked about it. I was still standing in the same place as the idiot while everyone went about their work to avoid awkward situation.

"Are you sure boycotting Valentine's Day is the right thing to do?" Steven asked in a discreet whisper as I sat down heavily in the chair next to him. I didn't quite understand how to prevent what I just heard.

"You want to be punched?" I muttered, leaning forward over desk. I really wasn't in the mood for jokes at this point. Our intense exchange of glances was interrupted by Hyuck's ringing phone.

"Is it an ex?" the man added softly but with an adequate dose of malice, then returned to browsing the Internet. I inhaled loudly, exhaling aloud through nose. 

_Stay fucking calm, Mark._

_Just stay fucking calm, boy._

"Mmm?" Donghyuck muttered without much enthusiasm. "Yes, I made the whole list. I'll send you a picture, then pick something with the guys," boy replied quite too brusquely as for him. I looked down at hands. I didn't feel without guilt in this situation. Still... "Nothing, my colleague pissed me off, sorry. I shouldn't take it out on you," he said quietly, making me realize how anonymous our relationship is. How fragile because it doesn't exist in the eyes of others. Seth has no idea Hyuck has a boyfriend. He could have tried to do anything with him at this meeting. The very thought made me so angry... "I can play with you, why not", brunet probably agreed to the concert proposals, then got up from desk and walked slowly towards the exit. "Oh god, sure! I haven't been skating in ages," I heard Donghyuck's cheerful, melodious laugh before he disappeared through the basement door. I came to the conclusion that I didn't really have the right to forbid him spending the day way he wanted, since I hadn't planned to do anything about it myself and I wasn't able to make him happy in that regard. After all, I couldn't tie him up and lock up in the basement. I had no power over this kid.

"Is it time for some calming herbs or should I wait a little longer before brewing?" Steven grunted with a laugh as glanced at me briefly.

"One more word and you will really lose your front teeth today," I warned, deciding to evacuate quickly to office. I was in no mood for anything today.

Fucking Valentine's Day.

Fucking Seth.

Fucking everything.

❤

**[donghyuck]**

I came home in a mixed mood. On the one hand, spending time with friends was incredibly pleasant and on the other hand, it didn't give me as much fun as I expected. It was simply not my dream Valentine's Day. It lacked the most important, basic element that I needed. Well, I simply missed my boyfriend and his love.

But boyfriend made two fights and didn't speak to me all day.

I didn't even know what that fucking fool was doing when I wasn't with him. Therefore, it wasn't relaxing and even not a pleasure to spend the day apart after parting in bad moods. Pride kept me from speaking first but ignorance was also bad for me. I loved Minhyung and didn't want to argue with him about such stupid things. Despite everything, he acted like a moron in the morning and it wasn't my role to reach hand to consent.

Going up the stairs, I checked the call and message screens one last time. But I found nothing there but an active group chat bubble with the boys. I didn't even want to check what they sent there. It was nothing I wanted to see at the moment anyway.

"If no, then no," I sighed heavily, locking the screen and slipped the phone back into pocket. "Fuck you. I won't beg," muttered angrily as I entered the room. "Fucking asshole," cursed under breath, tossing car keys violently on the desk with a loud pop.

"Who won't you beg?" I heard a hoarse voice deep in the room. My body felt tremendous chills because it was completely unexpected. I searched blindly for the light switch, accidentally overturning the cup with pens.

"Minhyung, goddamn it," I was irritated more with myself than with him. How did I not realize someone was home? I've always felt such things. I've never been so distracted as to miss enough essential facts. What if it was someone other than Mark? I had to be more careful. Fuck. "What are you doing here, for Chrissake?" I asked, leaning butt on the desk. I rubbed hand over face, surprised and a little scared by my inattention and dormant alertness.

"Your mom let me in," he explained, looking down at feet. "She was on way to dinner with Ted..." boy muttered, taking a shy step towards me. I looked at the Minhyung tiredly.

"I know that," I said simply, interrupting his torment about the fact that even my mother spent Valentine's Day somehow and we couldn't do it in harmony. I crossed arms over chest, looking at Minhyung expectantly.

"Hyuck..." he muttered pleadingly, not specifying anything but making everything clear at the same time.

"It would be enough just to explain it to me, Hyungie," I finally said getting to the conversation. "Just fucking explain instead of becalling of teens with kitschy, childish tastes and destroying the whole day..." I sighed heavily, watching him turn back and bend down for something that was lying on the floor. Finally he stood in front of me with a bouquet of roses stretched forward on stiff hands.

"I'm terrible, sorry," he said gravely, as if reciting a military oath rather than giving me his first ever flowers as an apology. I took it slowly, carefully examining the little tea roses with a lethally beautiful fragrance. They were lovely. The gesture itself was nice too but the words in the boy's mouth didn't belong to him anymore.

"This is supposed to be romantic or what do you think?" I asked, not sure with what intention Minhyung was acting. I preferred to ask directly to avoid further misunderstanding.

"Wasn't it?" he was surprised, genuinely concerned that I hadn't picked up that stiff apology at the wrong time for being romantic. I covered mouth with hand, hiding a smile I couldn't hold back.

"Oh god, you really mean it," I laughed, hugging the roses against chest. Mark grew serious, resting hands on hips and straddling slightly. "Why don't you talk to me and respond to what I just said, Hyung?" I asked calmly, noticing the boy's eloquent body language. "Pushing me flowers in hands won't do it all, although they are really beautiful," I said and put the bouquet on the desk.

"Did you have fun with your ex?" Minhyung attacked right away, picking favorite conversation technique when he was speechless and instead of admitting mistake, ran into the trap of pushing against the wall more and more, from which there was no escape with that attitude.

I rolled eyes.

_Sure, let's talk about me. I was the one who ruined the day for both of us in the morning._

"Yes, it was great," I honestly admitted. "My only regret was that I couldn't do all of these things with the current man of my life," I said, making eye contact with Minhyung. "But after all, what are exes for? They're a great replacement," said morosely as took off the denim jacket I had worn under my winter one.

"You're kidding now or are you serious?" Minhyung asked, still keeping distance between us at hand. I sighed heavily and tossed jacket over the back of the chair.

"Fifty-fifty" I summed up morosely. I don't think I had the strength for another conversation today about what should be and what we are both doing wrong in this relationship. It's just that I felt less and less wanting to explain seemingly obvious things. Each subsequent quarrel about things that in normal relationships either do not arise or are immediately cleared up, simply overwhelmed me. "You can go home, Mark. It's past midnight," I sighed heavily, looking at the boy uncertainly. I didn't want to chase him out but in such an atmosphere I didn't want to spend the night with him either. "Your hated Valentine's Day has finally expired," added when I got no reaction from boy. Minhyung looked at me pained.

"I didn't come here to go back now," he said, walking the distance between us.

"Then why did you come here?" I asked hard, trying not to melt at the touch of his thumb on my cheek.

"You know why..." Mark whispered, as if he himself was afraid of submission and the softness of the message that would flow from between his lips.

"I know but I want to fucking hear it eventually as well," I said irritably, taking his hand away from my face. "I'm not going to guess your intentions and read your mind all my life, Minhyung. It won't be like that, do you understand me?" I asked angrily. The boy looked down at our intertwined legs. "Learn to open your fucking mouth and talk to me or we won't be able to keep us together," I shook head, spreading hands helplessly. "I've told you so many times that a relationship is not the art of one actor. There are two of us in it, for God's sake. Two fucking people... "

"I'm really sorry, Hyuckie," he whispered finally, cutting my word. "Sorry," boy repeated, resting forehead on mine. "I didn't know it was so important to you," added and I felt myself soften. I didn't have the strength for this man.

"I told you outright that I want to spend Valentine's Day with you and I like to spend it," I reminded him with irritation leftovers, closing eyes against the pressure of Minhyung's lips on my forehead. "What hasn't gotten to you?" I asked still helplessly and a bit grumpily, lowering tired, limp arms along body.

"Don't get angry, bumblebee," Minhyung muttered soothingly, kissing my nose. "Please don't be mad at me," he pleaded, giving a short kiss.

"You drive me crazy sometimes," I sighed heavily, pulling him closer by the back of neck.

He was driving me crazy not only in anger. He did it in many other ways. Most of all, I really loved Minhyung. At some stage in this acquaintance, and later in the relationship, our lives were inextricably intertwined. I don't know what would have to happen to break our bond. At least on my part, it was like that. I believed that on his too.

As Minhyung took me in arms to move us from desk to bed, I was struck by the thought that I didn't feel so safe in any of other arms. We exchanged passionate kisses, which in a broader perspective provided me with inner peace and gave the opportunity to cut off, relax. The heart began to gallop by itself and the body leapt forward to fulfill this desire. 

It was something special that I hadn't felt before. 

I've never been like this before.

"Did you like the flowers though?" Mark asked after a while, pressing me into the mattress of the bed with his body weight.

"They're lovely, honey," I assured, brushing the hair lightly on the side of boy's head. "Really beautiful," I added in a whisper, looking calmly into the boy's black eyes.

"Friendship turning into love..." he explained shyly the meaning of the tea roses, kissing me gently. "It was supposed to be innocent and cute for that Valentine's Day of yours," muttered, probably barely keeping himself from rolling eyes.

"I thought it was kitschy and childish," I laughed, hitting him.

"Stop it..." boy asked gently, looking away. "I didn't even really mean it..." he finally confessed, a bit surprising me.

"Minhyung..." I sighed heavily, making a pained sound. "Why can't you draw such conclusions before we fight?" I asked.

"I know..." he whispered irritably to himself. "I fucking know it, Hyuck," Mark repeated painedly, so I shook head to let him go. I must have had enough of this topic too. Valentine's Day 2021 had to be erased from our mental calendars and memories.

"Let's get over it," I finally offered. There was no point in digging. "Come to me," I muttered, just wanting to feel his naked body on mine and regain previous foundations.

I got up slightly to make it easier for Mark to take off my shirt and then I did the same with his. An empty house meant millions of vocal possibilities, no restrictions. We could have ourselves in whatever form we wanted. I chuckled softly, curling arm up as Minhyung's hair tickled at my vulnerable spot by collarbone. I laced fingers around the boy's neck, urging him to return to my mouth. Looking at all these loving couples kissing today made me feel that my needs didn't meet. I really wanted to make up for it.

After a while, however, when Minhyung touched me, there was nothing natural and spontaneous in it. His hands were undressing me methodically and fingers brushed body as if in search of a specific thing. And that thing was another man's hands. I didn't have to be a brilliant detective to find out. I just felt Mark searching my skin for traces of Seth's scent and touch. I turned head to the side, breaking our kiss. The way I did it clearly alerted the boy because instead of finding lips to do something else, he hung over me and looked questioningly down.

"Forensic medical examination complete?" I asked without a trace of irritation. Nothing would surprise me today. "I didn't fuck with him," I said straightforwardly, not quite sure how to react in this situation. Minhyung didn't seem to know either. He stared at me for a moment with surprise that then displaced guilt and something akin to embarrassment.

"Sorry," he sighed heavily, dropping onto back beside me. "Fuck. I'm so sorry," muttered irritably and put arm over face to hide the emotion that my remark to what he was doing evoked in him. Whatever these emotions were.

We lay silent for a long time after that. 

I watched the play of shadows on the ceiling created by the wildly dancing flames of the candles lit on the windowsill behind our heads. Minhyung, in turn, looked at the shadow play itself; under the eyelids pinned with shoulder. I decided to give him a moment to explore his tangled inner world and come to the identification of what he actually wanted to achieve today with this strange pawing of my body. I didn't think he really assumed that I could cheat on him. It was ridiculous to say it.

Although we tried our best, in the end nothing came out of Valentine's Day. Maybe it was just meant to be this way. Who knows. We were lovers blessed by the magic of the first snow. Perhaps that already ruled out the loving consent of the Greek gods and Cupid. Perhaps simply American commercialism was too American to bear for South Korean immigrants. It also happened sometimes.

"You're funny and annoying at the same time, when you're jealous, you know?" I asked finally, deciding to break the silence.

"Leave me alone," Minhyung muttered from under shoulder. I started laughing and turned to side, swinging leg over the boy. I laid hand gently on his bare chest.

"But this is my room, baby," I muttered, kissing his shoulder. "I need to look after you as a host," I joked, waiting for any reaction. Unsuccessfully. I sighed heavily, finally grabbing boy's hand and pulling it from his face with a firm movement. "Minhyung, come on," I asked, but he still didn't open eyes. "You've been a jealous asshole not since today. I'm really used to your possessiveness," said honestly. I didn't see any grounds for such an exaggerated embarrassment. In the past, he had done far more damnable things.

"You're mine," he said finally, though he was more like asking, rather than confronting with firm statement.

"It's impossible to hide," I confirmed with a serious face.

"No other guy has the right to make you happy," whispered, running hand over my thigh. I sighed heavily, staring at him in disbelief.

"Then fucking start doing it yourself," I said in round terms. This topic really pissed me off. I was getting fed up with this damn Valentine's Day myself.

"I will," he answered without hesitating, with a strange determination in voice. I smiled under breath, shaking head indulgently.

"My big man and still like a child with a favorite toy in kindergarten..." I muttered, laughing softly. Minhyung rolled eyes but a shy smile crept on his lips too.

"So, I'm a possessive fucking asshole, right?" he asked after a moment, eyebrow raised, referring to what I had said entering the room earlier. I shrugged.

"Sorry if you've ever doubted this," I replied playfully, giving him a kiss on the tip of nose. Mark just snorted indignantly, locking me in a tight grip of his own arms.

❤

**[minhyung]**

It took me three days since Valentine's Day to come face-to-face with Izzy. I just knew that after this conversation I would end trampled in the mud and mixed with shit, so I had to prepare myself mentally. The more I put it off, the more vulnerable and nervous I got. Hyuck was soaking up my moods like a sponge, so I had to come face to face with Isabelle's brutality and get over it.

"Roses made their work?" she asked when, after ten minutes of standing silent and smoking in the cold underground parking lot, I didn't get a word to start the conversation.

"Yes, thanks," I replied shortly. "You were my last resort," I admitted honestly. I didn't know how to handle it myself. In terms of my ideas, it was only to follow Hyuck and make sure he wasn't doing stupid things with Seth. This way, I would rather only hurt myself, not help.

"You know what, Mark..." Izzy sighed heavily, staring straight ahead. I clenched fingers into a fist in jacket pocket. I was waiting for the blow. "You have at your fingertips such a ball of happiness bursting with love. What went wrong in your head that you screwed it up like that? " she asked with a total lack of understanding. I fucked up... I'm always just fucking everything. Yes, of course. "Your first day for lovers," she sighed, deeply disgusted.

"Luke hanged himself on Valentine's Day," I finally said, after a long pause. Bringing back that memory was far from easy. How could I celebrate with one guy the day that was the day of another's death? I was sick with head but probably not that bad. Izzy, however, began to laugh in disbelief.

"Did you explain it to Hyuck?" she asked as if it was the most important thing in all of this.

"Not yet..." I muttered, getting used to the idea that what I felt that day, as usual, has little to do with. Isabelle was no different from my family in that respect. My obligations to others have always been more important than own mental homeostasis.

"And he made up with you without it?" she was surprised, sighing heavily. It sounded like girl was about to call Donghyuck and fuck him for kindheartedness and understanding.

"Hyuck is..." I started hesitantly.

"A retard in love with you, apparently," she finished for me, entering sharply into sentence. "Let me be brutal, Mark, because that's the only message that seems to get to you," she continued, losing none of the irritated and harsh tone of voice. "Luke is dead. He's fucking cold and has been rotting in the ground for about 2 years now," said, pointing an accusing finger at the asphalt we were standing on. "From my perspective, he was just a simple, sickly manipulative guy who screwed into your head much thicker shit than you actually had in it. Hyuck, on the other hand, is a radiant, wonderful sun, which has so much warmth inside that it melted what was dead inside you and been frozen in ice from birth. He gave you his time, patience and love, even though you acted like a bastard and didn't deserve any of it. Did you pay him back somehow?" she asked after mentioning all those things but didn't quite wait for answer. It didn't matter. Because Isabelle is always right. "Do you want advice? Here it is: _finally take care of this warm boy who is alive, instead of constantly dwelling on the one who died and isn't even worth dwelling on,_ " girl made it clear, as usual, dictating to me what I should do and feel. And as usual, I took it personally with the intention of implementing. "You destroy life not only for yourself but also for Hyuck, Minhyung. That's what it's all about," she added after a moment more gently as stubbed out cigarette. "Love him as he deserves it or just fucking leave him already and stop hurting by endlessly digging up some stupid past," Izzy shook head in disappointment.

"You're right," I replied blankly, giving her no clue as to what decision I had actually made after her instructive lesson.

"And was there a time when I wasn't?" she asked nonchalantly, turning back on me, then walked away without saying goodbye, leaving me again doomed to own loneliness and gloomy thoughts.

❤

**[donghyuck]**

I walked slowly into a small, cozy Korean cafe, which was in the center but in some strange way, completely out of the way of city life. I stood at the counter, waiting for a familiar face to emerge from the back room. It was evening time, so there were only two clients in the room - each immersed in thoughts and newspapers.

"Donghyuck!" A good friend of my mother from the immigrant community greeted me.

"Good morning, aunt," I smiled and held out hands with the cake.

"What did my dear Sora bake me for today?" she asked, watching me carefully.

"Halva" I replied calmly, giving her a knowing look.

"Not too often halva these days?" she wondered, trying to sense if there was any serious accident she should have known about. I shrugged. I didn't know it myself yet. The woman sighed. "Alright. When do you want to pick up the cake plate? " she asked.

"Could be in a week or two," I replied with a smile. "There is no rush," I assured.

"Okay," she nodded in agreement. "Coffee?" Eunkyung asked. I nodded.

"Latte" announced firmly.

"Sit down, I'll get you in a minute," she nodded towards an empty table and disappeared into the back room.

I took seat under the window slowly, looking like the traffic was waning. I've been feeling strange lately. I was living with a disturbing feeling about the coming weeks. Marco was sending Hunter out in the field more and more, more and more often he had assignments for him that neither I nor Steven knew. Strange movements were starting around the wharf, cutting off my contact with Taylor. And without Taylor, I couldn't confirm my assumptions about Simon and Daisy's return to town. The container club was their only haven here. Perez was lurking everywhere else. Was it possible that Marco had previously confirmed something I only suspected? I had no idea. Time was to show it all. So far I have acted in reserve.

"Your latte, Donghyuck," said Eunkyung, distracting me from thoughts. She set the coffee down carefully on the table and looked at with concern. "Take care of yourself, kid," she added, wiping hands on apron.

"I will," promised. We exchanged supportive smiles and the woman left. I took the lid off the coffee cup and put it carefully aside. As I put the sugar inside, I glanced at the number written in marker under the plastic cover.

15.

I sighed and stirred the coffee.

A lot.

More and more.

Perfect.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is a chapter 25 called Diaries of the past: choices. It's important chapter that could be forgotten after all this time and there is all mysterious trio mentioned today - Taylor, Simon and Daisy.


	61. Valentine's weeds

**[february 2021]**

**[minhyung]**

"What are you doing here, Hyungie?" Hyuck asked as we faced each other on the doorstep of his house. I was standing in front of brunet totally lost, totally broken and totally unannounced. I wasn't sure myself what I was doing here. 

That's why I just shrugged.

"Can I...?" I asked shyly, looking away as Donghyuck's gaze grew too intense and piercing right through. As if he was looking at the bottom of my soul and knew everything - even what I had no access to.

"You can," boy said calmly, leaving me alone in the corridor after those words. He went to the kitchen without a word.

For the whole week I was struggling with stupid thoughts whether it would not be better if someone like Seth would continue to give Hyuck happiness in life. This was what Isabelle had suggested to me a while ago. To stop hurting or leave him alone. But what if I wasn't sure if I could refrain from wounding Donghyuck in the future? I wasn't able to give it a guarantee, although I really wanted to reduce these wounds and scars in our relationship to nonexistent level.

I didn't think that my inner dilemmas were so visible to Donghyuck who, after a few days of strange distance between us, asked if everything was okay and if nothing had changed with our relationship. Of course, I said it is okay, but I guess that this lie was one of the more pathetic and unsuccessful I've ever tried to press into him. The more so as the distance created by my internal dilemmas has not decreased at all. After Hyuck's question, they grew even deeper. We were gradually moving away from each other again.

Donghyuck, however, remained silent and allowed me to do so.

I didn't know what to think about it. It just felt as if history was repeating itself again. Except that the previous fight had been so terrible, destructive and so disastrous that now Hyuck no longer tried to force himself to find out what exactly is wrong. I just assumed boy was simply afraid of getting hurt again. He was afraid of my unrestrained anger and what the end would be this time.

So he chose silence.

He was silent.

He watched.

He waited.

And I only provided myself with more arguments to support the claim that the biggest problem in our relationship is actually me.

I entered the kitchen slowly. The first thing I saw were roses in a vase standing on the table. _Damn Valentine's weeds._ They didn't make anything easier for me. I walked slowly over to the bouquet as if I had seen it for the first time in life. I touched the tea rose gently, feeling imaginary tears of irritation and helplessness rising in me.

"Why are you so quiet?" Hyuck asked finally, turning to look at me. When our eyes briefly met, this time it was him who looked away. He did it in a flash, as if was afraid of what had seen. "They're nice, huh?" asked after a while in a strangely cheerful voice, somewhat artificial. I squeezed eyes shut tightly, trying to contain the rising anger at myself. "Mom asked me where I got them from and you don't even know how proud I was to tell her they were from you. She may be prejudiced but at least she can't deny now that I say you're a loving, caring boy, so I guess you scored a few points in the fight for my mother's heart. Ted likes you in his own way too but I think he likes everyone. He's the kind of man with a heart of gold..." Donghyuck recited quickly in a strange, completely unnatural for him logomania.

"Stop it," I whispered, cutting him off. My fingers tightened on the back of the chair, clearly unable to cope with the silence that followed shortly after my harsh interruption.

I knew that parting with Donghyuck would kill me.

There was happiness in every moment I spent with him. Even during big arguments or small arguments, when the overall picture was dominated by nervousness and irritation, somewhere underneath was just that simple happiness.

Simple happiness and understanding.

Security.

Because I knew we could work it out together.

That Donghyuck can solve it.

I was a fucking selfish. I couldn't leave him. I was unable to let go of him to lead a separate life, no matter what. It wouldn't make any sense in my life if I let it happen. Everyone keeps saying that I don't deserve him. I knew that. 

But couldn't I really do anything to make it different? 

Anything to make me worth this relationship?

"What happened, Minhyung?" Hyuck asked finally after putting the knife back on the cutting board with too much force then it was needed. He wiped hands on the cloth and turned to face me but didn't come any closer. Instead, he crossed arms over chest as always did when an emotionally tough conversation was getting ready between us.

"It hurts..." I gasped, sniffling and shifted gaze to the view outside the window, unable to meet Hyuck's eyes. I turned sideways to the boy, resting hands on the chair once again. My fingers tightened on the wood even tighter than before.

"What hurts you?" he asked calmly but slightly coolly.

"Heart" I whispered and in my head the voices of all the people from the past spoke in chorus, asking mockingly _what? what heart? you have no heart_. "It hurts when you say all of these," I finally confessed.

"Why?" Hyuck continued in the same, strangely distant tone. Until I looked at him, I didn't realize he was doing it in own defense too. Protects himself from potential injury in advance. Boy has been protecting himself for a long time by activating one of that his numerous plans in the event of an unexpected disaster.

"Because I don't deserve it, Donghyuck," I said, pushing the chair away from me. "I don't deserve you," I shook head, spreading hands helplessly to the sides. I was shocked that it wasn't so obvious to him. After all, everyone says it over and over. Even his mother didn't like me. "I fucked your Valentine's Day, gave you some stupid, pathetic apologies and you're still happy, although I should be slapped with those roses right in the face," I finally admitted to the conclusions I drew recently on my deplorable Valentine's Day apology.

"You should," Hyuck finally agreed with me but nothing else left his mouth. We looked at each other for another long moment. But those stares were empty - at least Donghyuck's. I've never encountered such a void on his side in my life. I didn't know what to make of this. Is the boy ready for this breakup or not; supports a breakup or is against; accepts my decision or plans to raise an objection?

"Are you fucked up that you didn't do this? Are you a masochist that you're still with such asshole like me?" I asked and Donghyuck huffed under breath, shaking head in disbelief.

"You talked to Izzy," he claimed more than tried to get the information out of me.

"How do you know?" I was surprised despite everything. We didn't talk about it even once.

"I don't know what she's selling you as the wisdom of life but you always come over hysterical then and you fuck things that don't make any sense," he explained to me calmly, face straight.

"She's selling me a painful truth," I replied hesitantly, bewildered by Hyuck's unshakable and cold demeanor.

"Maybe," boy agreed, walking slowly closer. "And maybe not" added as he finally stood right in front of me, arms crossed and eyebrows raised, demanding an explanation.

"I..." I started stammerig incoherently, sighing long. I wanted to look down at our feet but boy's finger was already under my chin to send head back - up. Though the brunet's eyes were cool, there was a challenge in the recesses of his irises. This emptiness scared me because it wasn't typical for a Hyuck to look at anyone with such... bottomless nothing. 

Look at me like that in particular. 

I swallowed hard.

"If you have any balls to do what you plan, at least look me in the eyes, fucking asshole," he whispered unexpectedly in a very harsh manner, sliding finger over my face again. I clenched jaw, trying my best to hold Hyuck's gaze. How stupid was I thinking that brunet would not figure anything out? So naive... I sniffled, biting lower lip.

"Hyuck..." I muttered pleadingly, shaking head. I wasn't sure what I really wanted anymore. What do I expect from myself, from him, from us... I involuntarily wanted to look to the side again. I was simply unable to cope with what was happening between us now, even though no words were spoken. But Donghyuck grabbed my face halfway towards the window and turned it abruptly back. 

We looked at each other for a long time and his grip didn't weaken at all. I felt fingers digging painfully into skin and pathologically felt relieved. When I was a child and overwhelmed by emotions that I didn't understand, pain always helped. I preferred to be physically harmed than to suffer on an emotional level, the availability of which was separated from me by a thick sheet of ice full of frozen affects.

"If you come to me ever again with what you had in your eyes today... when you crossed the threshold of my house" whispered, tightening grip. "I'll never forgive you that, Minhyung. Understand?" he asked finally with tears in eyes, losing voice at the very end.

"Hyuckie..." I whispered, feeling like shit at the sight of little teardrops on his eyelashes. When I wanted to touch the boy's cheek, a surprise was waiting for me. Hyuck shook it off faster than my hand could even touch his face. 

And the blow was fucking strong. 

So strong that the place of hit tingled.

"You don't deserve me?" he asked incredulously, pushing my arm backwards. "Who are you to decide what I deserve, you fucking ignorant?" boy completed the question, this time hitting my shoulders with both hands. I swayed slightly but didn't lose balance. 

He had a right to be angry. 

And I had no right to stop him.

"Donghyuck..." I started slowly, wanting to embrace his face red with anger and mounting tears. I couldn't look at him like that and to let the thought that my stupidity was the trigger for our argument and as usual made it even worse. Brunet, however, knocked my hands off once more, pushing back again, this time with a blow to my chest. I had to take two steps back.

"By what right you decide what's good for me, you fucking asshole!" Hyuck finally screamed, venting all the frustration that consumed him from inside with a series of gentle thrusts and slaps of hands against hands. But when my back finally hit the wall, I grabbed Donghyuck hard by the wrists.

We struggled for a moment or more I held Hyuck in place, protecting myself from further blows. I didn't give myself the right to resist firmly because I didn't really deny that I deserved this form of anger. In the end, brunet gave up and let me pull his tired body closer - like a rag doll with no will to fight. I put arms around him tightly, clasping boy heavily together with angry hands that could deal more blows at any moment.

Donghyuck was breathing loud and fast, his lips pressed against my collarbone. I also felt a bit like after running little marathon. When brunet got angry, it turned out that he really was very strong and capable of doing harm. Hyuck very rarely allowed himself to use such advantage, so the situation turned out to be all the more serious. I was forcing him to do something he definitely hated - to exploit the situation of power imbalance.

I leaned head against the wall behind me, staring at the ceiling. I tried to stabilize breathing as I slowly combed Hyuck's hair over and over. It had a calming effect on both sides. I could compare it to harnessing a very wild and angry pet who had gone mad at owner. Only blocking the anger attack could save anything and it also seemed to me the most rational and instinctive reaction. 

After the boy had cooled down a little, I dared to take his pink cheeks in my hands and rest our foreheads against each other. Donghyuck surrendered to it all but his eyes were beaming with heartbreaking disappointment and a total lack of trust. He was breathing heavily through nose, probably dreaming of slapping my face so hard I would bounce off the edge of the cupboard next to us. I preferred this way of dealing with our problem but for many reasons, it couldn't have happened.

We looked at each other in silence for a long time. We exchanged tired glances full of different kinds of content. On my side, the message was to admit a mistake that I didn't want to make again in my life. After all, I didn't want to break up with him. Neither for his own good nor for my good. This good was for others, imposed by others. Not good for us, apparently, considering how it ended today, though hardly any decisions were made aloud. On the side of Hyuck, there was a huge confusion, because how on earth he was supposed to feel something else, since I came completely unannounced with a totally unexpected set of emotions.

Another day to be forgotten.

"Try to leave me for no good reason and I will kill you, Minhyung," Donghyuck finally whispered as I gently kissed the helpless tear that escaped his eye. "I'll kill, do you understand?" he repeated, taking a sharp breath. Hyuck clamped fingers of right hand around my sweatshirt and the other one disappeared at the nape of my neck.

"I do," confirmed as our lips gently rubbed against each other.

"Just try to fucking leave me all alone..." he added tearfully, shyly reducing the distance between our bodies.

I didn't know how it happened that despite the huge characterological differences between us, our brains somehow miraculously worked the same way. Although Hyuck came out a bit to meet me, our mouths, actually, crushed halfway. They were not like always (tender, full of love and lust) - they were wild and aggressive, although not fully enjoyable, we both needed it now a lot. I could neither describe nor explain it. Since such a move was made by our bodies, it was clearly necessary for us to continue functioning.

We gave in to our instincts.

And those instincts seemed completely irrational and confused.

I turned Hyuck so that now his back was against the wall. We started undressing quickly, giving up in half of taking off the garment to come back to our mouths and hands wandering wildly over the body and hair. In the end, neither of us was fully undressed and some of the clothes were half hanging no rhyme or reason and half still clinging to the skin. In all this fever, we only managed to slide down the pants because only them really interfered with what we were striving for.

Never thought I'd take Hyuck against the wall in his kitchen.

Not that way.

Not in such sick and messed-up circumstances.

Meanwhile, we were both here.

I entered boy quickly and hard, pressing him brutally against the cold wall. I dug fingers into the soft flesh of his hips, bearing fingers gripped painfully in my hair.

Hyuck, in turn, screamed loudly, although the scream was far from ecstatic. It sounded more like the wail of a badly hurt animal. An animal shot right in the heart.

There was nothing to cheat. This sex was not about pleasure at all.

It was about saving what was left.

About getting rid of the negative emotions that have been eating us from the inside for a long time.

It was about catharsis.

Coming, my fingers tightened on Hyuck's buttock almost as tightly as he did on my hair. It all took just a few short but very meaningful seconds. We ended up quickly messing clothes that neither of us would wear again today. But I thought that was the least of the problems we faced today.

Although we were panting, gasping for air, we didn't pull away from each other. On the contrary. I had the impression that we were trying to get even closer, although it wasn't physically possible. Our cheeks were pressed against each other and I could clearly hear Hyuck's heavy, jerky breathing turn into a soft sob.

"I'm so sorry," I whispered right away, kissing him hard on the temple several times. "I'm so sorry Hyuckie..."

"Don't leave me," he finally managed to say, choking on tears.

"I won't," I promised, closing eyes tightly. If it hurt me, I didn't even want to know how he was feeling.

"Don't hurt me like this, please," he asked after a while, a little calmer but still sniffling hard.

"I won't hurt" made another promise, feeling that each next will be even harder to keep.

❤

**[donghyuck]**

I was sitting in the kitchen after showering, eating yogurt and staring absentmindedly at the wall where Minhyung and I had the most twisted and embarrassing sex of our lives. As I put spoon after spoon in my mouth, I wondered what would actually happen if there were a breakup between us. 

And I had no idea. 

So far, in an alternative development of this option, I've seen darkness and no solutions. This has never happened to me before. I've always had a plan, I've always been able to point out alternative ways out of a problem. Meanwhile, there was a total void in my head, as if nothing new could exist without Minhyung.

My mother finally found me in this state. She entered the kitchen with the grocery bags and measured me carefully from head to toe. She probably didn't need more to create the initial scenario of my day. I must have looked like shit and the answer to why her son was in a mess was actually ready.

"Did you fight?" she asked in sign as finally freed hands from the bags.

"No, why are you asking?" I lied, knowing full well that she could decode my every spoof. I actually lied in name of stupid principle of defending Minhyung anytime, anywhere.

"You cried," she claimed sparingly. I sighed heavily.

"Not always when I cry, it is because of him," I said, plunging stubbornly into the chosen strategy. My mother laughed voicelessly under breath, shaking head in disbelief.

"We both know no one else would be able to make you cry," she showed me and then started unpacking the groceries.

Mom probably decided that further conversation was pointless because I would defend my man like a lioness her young lion anyway. But someone had to defend him, since he obviously could not defend himself. Minhyung let other throw shit at him and other bullshit he was so fucking susceptible to. Only I had to endure the consequences afterwards. The consequences of the fact that all his relatives saw in him from early childhood a monster that doesn't deserve love. It really pissed me off because it was simply unfair.

"I can't live without him, mom," I finally said, surprising myself with this confession. For a person forever dealing with the emotions of others, I surprisingly rarely cared about my own feelings. "It scares me," I honestly admitted because I really didn't know what to do with it. My mother just sighed and took a seat next to me at the table leisurely. She grabbed my hand gently.

"Make him worth such a sacrifice if you want to spend your life with him anyway," she showed efficiently with one hand. "He's not a bad boy. If he was bad, I wouldn't let him into this house, baby. We have a deal, right?" she asked with a smile and combed my wet hair. I nodded with tears in eyes.

"No more bastards in our life," I confirmed with a sniffle.

Mark was already there, drying his hair after showering, when I entered the room. I closed the door slowly behind and approached him uncertainly from behind. I hugged boy's naked back, pressing lips against still wet skin just below his neck. Minhyung sighed softly, gently grabbing in hands my fingers entwined on his belly. We were silent for a moment, indulging in the silence in peace and each other's breaths.

I think we were both well aware of how sick and incorrect it was what happened between us in the kitchen today. Minhyung was made to feel strange guilt and I was emotionally disturbed by the panic of being abandoned. We were taken over by completely incorrect mechanisms of coping with a crisis situation. My added hysteria was coming from that I had actually been preparing for this for some time. Mark was acting just weird. He distanced himself from me, avoided interaction, conversations, anything. A quarrel or a breakup had been in the air since Valentine's Day, actually.

"Your mom is back?" he asked finally in a calm manner, reaching for the t-shirt lying on the bed.

"Yes," I confirmed quietly, stepping away from the boy so he could get dressed without any problems. I stood hesitantly to the side, crossing arms over chest. Minhyung glanced at me out of the corner of eye and bit lower lip.

"Tell me something..." I started hesitantly, knowing full well that I was risking another argument. But without this conversation, we'd end up spending the night awkwardly and that didn't suit me.

"Anything you wish..." Minhyung however replied immediately, coming up to me. Still, he didn't overcome the barrier of physical contact and apart from standing in front of each other, our bodies weren't touching in any way.

"Why?" I asked in a whisper, looking up at him without understanding.

"Valentine's Day?" he said hesitantly, scratching neck nervously. A little too hard in my eyes. I grabbed that hand and pulled it away from the boy's neck.

"Among other things...," I admitted calmly, although preferred to find out what was in his head in order to break up with me. After all, there was a good chance that the two issues were related.

"This..." he began hesitantly, kicking heels. "I just have bad memories of that day, okay? I felt like I shouldn't celebrate it in any way," he said with a arms shrug, which then fell down alongside Mark's body.

"Why?" I asked anyway. I decided to be inquisitive because wanted to know the answer. I had to know it in order to get rid of at least some of the questions that arose in me.

"Luke..." he said, looking at me meaningfully. I shook head from side to side telling him that I can't see the connection. "That's when... He... He killed himself then, you know?" boy asked, rubbing face with hand - once, twice, three times.

"Minhyung..." I whispered in disbelief, grabbing his hands which I no longer let go.

"Yes, I know - it's ridiculous and I'm insane. After all, he's already dead, isn't he?" he muttered, looking into my eyes with heartbreaking embarrassment. "So it's irrelevant," Mark said and I already knew someone had just put these words in his mouth.

"What the fuck are you talking about?" I asked, looking at him in shock. "Of course it is important," I assured. "Why didn't you tell me right away?" was surprised. I combed boy's damp hair gently to the back of head so I could see his face better.

"Because you were so happy in the morning... You started the day so well..." he explained with a pained expression, pressing lips immediately against my forehead. I closed eyes automatically and began to wonder why he was such a retard, since he had two well-educated parents. "I was supposed to screw it up by talking about another guy's death?" he asked embarrassedly.

"So you decided to screw it up differently?" I asked, sighing heavily. My fingers tightened on boy's hands, which found their place on my hips. I leaned back slightly, watching Mark closely. Boy looked at window, behind which the darkness had long since engulfed any object on which he could hang eyes even for a moment. "Minhyung..." I started hesitantly. Sometimes I had no idea how to talk to him or reach. At times he could be formed like plasticine and then became a rock that wouldn't move. I slipped carefully out of Hyung's arms and sat slowly on the bed, crossing legs on the sheets. "If I had known, I would never have come out with the initiative of spending any stupid Valentine's Day," I assured quite honestly. It was absolutely no important holiday. Just a symbol, a simple excuse to spend time together a little differently than usual. Nothing compulsory. "Now, you see what happens when we don't talk to each other?" I asked, patting the seat opposite me at the foot of the bed.

"I see," Minhyung sighed heavily and obediently sat down on the mattress.

"You must tell me such things", I took up the subject again after a moment of silence. Mark looked at the inside of hands for a change, as if memorizing his own fingerprints was the solution to all the world's problems. "They are important. _You_ are important," I assured him, moving a little closer. I slipped feet under Minhyung's butt. "I don't want to celebrate Valentine's Day with the thought that I'm hurting you," I whispered, kissing the boy on the shoulder.

"Izzy says that I'm the one hurting you," blackhaired replied, watching calmly as I slowly laced our fingers together. He looked closely at our hands, gently stroking my skin with thumb. "That's why today... you know yourself," he muttered, as if embarrassed by the mere fact that a similar thought had even crossed his mind.

"Did you ask me if I was hurt?" I brought him to the attention of something he absolutely never did. He didn't ask for my opinion or feelings. He assumed everything in advance.

"No," boy admitted, still staring at everything but me.

"Did I tell you I was hurt?" I asked again.

"No" he confirmed again.

"Then why..." I began, however, cutting because of powerlessness. I groaned tearfully, resting forehead on his shoulder. "Minhyung, for god's sake..." I whispered with eyes closed. "I don't know how to talk to you anymore..." I finally admitted the reason for my momentary silence. "Why are you listening to people who don't know anything about us?" I finally asked.

"When someone talks about emotions... You know that..." he shrugged. "I believe them because I don't know anything about it and just..." he muttered, not finishing thoughts though.

"Hyungie..." I started calmly, wrapping legs around his side. Boy looked at me uncertainly and, oh god, how much fear and insecurity there was in that look. "How did you feel when I asked how we spend Valentine's Day?" I asked with a shy smile. I didn't want him to take it as a second-bottom question.

"Uncomfortable," he finally admitted, watching me closely. Minhyung's hand took the opportunity to disappear into the leg of my sleeping shorts.

"How else?" I pursued the topic further, seeking to clarify a situation that was a huge mistake to ignore from the very beginning.

"Bad that I don't have desire and feel like spending it in a way that will make you happy," he finally explained in full sentence. Minhyung was relieved to say it aloud and I was glad he did that. My only regret was that it was so late.

"And what did you do wrong except for not telling me?" I asked. But a few seconds of silence were an answer. Minhyung thought about the question very intensely for a moment, nervously nibbling at the elastic of my boxers at the groin. But then there was a shrug. "You haven't thought a bit about yourself, baby," I said with a smile as I saw his lost gaze. I pulled Minhyung into a soft, short kiss. "How can I be happy if you're not?" I asked with amusement of disbelief.

"I don't know..." Minhyung admitted frankly that he didn't understand the point. I nodded as a sign that it is okay. I promised to help him with emotions and wasn't going to back down.

"Let me put it differently," I muttered, quickly searching in head a good example. I read on the internet that with alexithymia it is good to play genre scenes or to change the actors so that the patient has to step into the shoes of the person concerned. "How would you feel: you propose me to go to the amusement park, I react negatively, but I don't deny it right away, but I walk all day depressed and irritated, you don't know why, you see that something is wrong, I yell at you, that amusement parks are for kids and then you find out that I am traumatized by amusement parks because I have a head crushed by falling off the roller coaster," I said, looking at Minhyung expectantly.

"Like a shit," he said, looking into my eyes. Oh, that would be it.

"Like a shit" I repeated, sighing heavily. "Are you pulling me on the rollercoaster anyway?" I asked, bringing him on the trail.

"No," boy admitted shyly.

"That's it," I sighed calmly, nodding. "Do you blame me for being traumatized and not wanting to go rollercoaster?"

"No," Minhyung muttered in amusement.

"Exactly," I replied with a smile. I took the boy's cheek with hand and stroked it gently. "My emotionally handicapped eighth wonder of the world..." I whispered, laughing. Minhyung rolled eyes.

"I'm just a retard, not any wonder..." he said in frustration.

"You're not, Hyungie," I denied immediately. "You just forget that you're only human and have a right to your human problems. Isabelle and anyone you get advice as great as this to break up with me for my sake against your will seem to forget it. They also forget that we're not in a relationship so you can make me fucking happy all the time. Gosh!" I got angry and raised voice slightly on a strange wave of frustration. "I'm also with you to care for your happiness and what happened on Valentine's Day and today, and all this time in between, _did not_ take care of happiness of any of us" I made it clear that he wouldn't live in some shreds of illusions that this holiday of lovers in any way was pleasant for me. "Don't you think we should settle things like breakups with each other because that's about _us_?" I asked, unable to stop a slight grudge against boy. Sometimes he was too childish. Mom will say to pee on the mirror in the car of your neighbor, then I'll do it because mom knows better. Zero independent thinking.

"I believe so," he confirmed seriously.

"How effusively" I ironized, rolling eyes. King of deep conversation.

"Stop it..." Mark asked quite gently and I couldn't tease him any more. We were both still broken up by it all.

"Okay," I agreed. "Anything else you want to tell me?" I asked out of curiosity if he'd had anything to say about the last time. Now was a good time to clear things up.

"I love you, Hyuck," he whispered with disarming seriousness and sincerity, staring at me with the eyes of a beaten dog. I smiled reassuringly, giving him a firm kiss.

"I love you too," I admitted calmly. "Anything else?" muttered and Minhyung shook head in denial. "Then let's go to sleep," I sighed heavily, moving away from the boy. I went on all fours to the pillows. "It's been a bloody weird and hard two weeks," I said with obvious relief that it was all over. As we slipped under the covers, Minhyung scooped me up against him with arm, locking in a very tight, tight hug.

"Did you really hit your head on a roller coaster?" he asked after a while and I started laughing.

"Of course not" I denied it. "It was just an example," assured him.

"That's good."


	62. Setting sun

**[february 2021]**

**[minhyung]**

"After my grandmother died, I was completely ignored," I explained psychologist, reluctantly returning to this fragment of the past. "As if her presence somehow required my parents to at least pretend to care or be interested in what I do in life," I winced, staring at the succulent in the middle of the table. It was really cute. Tiny, pointed leaves, a glass pot filled with...

"That was grandma on the distaff side?" the woman asked, interrupting my little flight into the flower world.

"Yes," I said calmly. "Father's mother still lives in Korea."

"Do you have any contact?" she wondered, as if hoping that dead grandmother could always be replaced by the latter. It's a pity grandma Minjung was an even worse heartless bitch than her son, who only knew how to make broken babies and fuck secretaries at conferences overseas.

"None," I replied succinctly, without going into the nature of these relations.

"Well, we have 15 minutes of meeting left, is there any other topic or thoughts that you would like to summarize our today's conversation with?" asked the same things she always asked as the clock slowly went full circle.

"No," I shrugged. I've had enough of this office for today. My head was starting to ache from the excess of bad memories and depressing facts. I couldn't process so many emotional stimuli at once. I was glad to be picked up by Donghyuck today, otherwise I might have accidentally hit someone.

"Okay," Mrs. Beckett didn't penetrate, probably reading the tiredness on my face correctly. "Then I would have a question for you," she said and I looked at her reluctantly. "Why did you decide to bring your grandmother topic up today?" asked calmly. Whatever I said, she was always fucking calm. It irritated me sometimes. "This is a completely new thread for us, unrelated to the previous ones," she pointed out with a slight shrug.

"My boyfriend thinks it's important," I explained her. "That in the subject of grandma there are simply important and heavy emotions".

"And what do you think?" she asked and I knew perfectly well what she wanted from me with this question. Same thing as Hyuck. To start think about myself and do what I think is right. As if he and Mrs. Beckett are forgetting that I have fucked up head and no idea what is emotionally right and what is not.

"I think so too," I shrugged. If I wasn't dead inside since I was born, I must have died that way after my grandmother passed away. There was no doubt about it. "It's just difficult. Difficult to talk to someone other than Donghyuck about myself," I finally explained the main problem of why we sometimes stood still and were unable to proceed with therapy. Mrs. Beckett wasn't Hyuck. Sometimes I wasn't even able to tell the brunet about things I see as difficult and complicated. Let alone a stranger.

"Do you talk to him about what we're doing here?" woman was curious but I didn't know if not surprised as well. I know I'm not an easy person but he's my lover so what did she expect? Hiding fact of being in therapy?

"Of course" I shrugged, seeing no point in doubting it. "I talk to him about everything. He's always first with these things," I assured, avoiding deliberately defining what I meant by _these things_.

"Why do you think this is happening?" she asked in a tone strangely forcing me to reflect. However, there was nothing to reflect on. How is that - _why is this happening?_. It just is and that's it. But I couldn't say it to her in this form. After a while, however, I started thinking more deeply about why Hyuck is always first with everything that happens in my life. First and only, actually, because the world inside psychologist's office didn't transfer to reality outside of it.

"Um... I feel like my past is safe with Donghyuck," I stated bluntly. And I didn't just mean the past. This is how I felt around brunet in general. The tension of the tiring day was escaping somewhere, the mafia life was left behind, the perspective narrowed for a moment to here and now; sometimes it even slightly escaped into the future. "Hyuck never judges me, he always supports..." I muttered, gripping fingers tightly. "With him... Hmm... He's got to know me from the worst possible side and we're still together somehow..." I shrugged, smiling bittersweetly to myself under breath. "I trust him..." nodded as if that was the most important thing in all of this. I thought for a moment on what I could add on this topic. I stared at the rug intently while Mrs. Beckett waited patiently. "First of all, I love him... like... really... like... so, so much," I finally muttered a little ashamed. I've never spoken of Donghyuck in such words to anyone. Even here, in the office, I rather mentioned him when it was really necessary, or answered questions about brunet asked by psychologist. I didn't know why this was happening. I guess I'm embarrassed to talk about love, about our relationship. I also didn't want her to ask about sex, because I remember that before divorce, my mother was asked about her sexual relationship with my father. Relationship with Donghyuck was just ours. I didn't want to share it with anyone. "There has never been another person like this in my life and I don't want to lose him because of some stupidity or wrong behavior. I don't want to create another situation that he will have to forgive me. I don't want to hear that it's okay, that he understands and it will be fine, because nothing I do to him sometimes is fine and instead of understanding and hugging, I should just get slap in the face," said, looking at open hand. "I'd prefer to be slapped in the face," I came to the horrible conclusion that sometimes I really would rather have my own boyfriend punch me than talk. "And all I get is warmth and support," sighed heavily, sinking into the back of the chair. I stared at the ceiling to escape woman's gaze. It was hard to admit such things even to myself. "That's why I'm here and I'm doing it all, I tell a million times about my fucked-up family, although I'd like to erase it from life. This game isn't for me, it's for him. To not hurt anymore, to become a good boyfriend he deserves, because I'm not actually that kind of man right now. Though Hyuck says otherwise..." I rolled eyes, shaking head in disbelief. Sometimes I really didn't understand how it was possible for one person to accumulate so much patience and endurance. After all, no one in their right mind would struggle with me for such long time. "But I feel like I can be better if I try," whispered more to myself than to her. I guess I needed to hear it falling from my own mouth. "Sorry..." muttered sheepishly, seeing Mrs. Beckett's slightly puzzled expression. "When the Hyuck theme comes up, I'm a little too drifting away," I admitted, feeling the heat rising in cheeks. Psychologist laughed.

"Nothing happened," she said warmly. "I'm very happy that you have such a supportive relationship. It's very important."

❤

**[donghyuck]**

I watched carefully posters in the waiting room, diplomas and certificates of psychologists who had their work placement here. Virginia Beckett was recommended to Minhyung by his psychiatrist from the center, so I had no reason to believe he was in the wrong hands. Still, I couldn't help but check it out. It was just work-related bias and Mark didn't need to know about it. I just wanted to make sure he didn't find some kind of quack who, instead of helping, would hurt my boyfriend even more. After some initial research, Mrs. Beckett seemed okay though. Patients didn't complain about her on-line, woman herself constantly developed through additional courses and collaborated with The New York State Psychiatric Institute. I decided to trust her.

Finally, after twenty minutes of waiting, sound of the door opening snapped me out of secretary's watchful gaze. I turned back, relieved to see Minhyung. He left the office hesitantly and entered backwardly completely empty waiting room. I felt much better with the thought that we're now almost totally alone here. We met today for the first time this week. It's not a long time, ten days, but I missed him anyway. Nevertheless, we found that we needed some space to think about few issues after the _kitchen incident_. We violated each other in many so wrong ways; also this short break was supposed to be good for us. It seemed like adequate solution.

I grinned when finally felt Mark's lips on mine. The kiss we shared was short but strong and full of longing. We interrupted it very reluctantly but it was neither the time nor the place for amours. So I just let Minhyung hold me in arms as a quick hug for hello and we moved away from each other.

"I want coffee, bumblebee. Immediately," Minhyung muttered under breath as we walked towards the exit. He was terribly tired.

"Okay," I laughed and followed but before we got to the door, boy's psychologist accosted us.

"Mr. Lee..." she called out in a rush. We looked instinctively at her - both of us eyebrows raised in question. "Could I talk to your boyfriend for a while?" she asked, glancing at me. I gave Mark a questioning look. But boy shook head from side to side as if to tell me he hadn't done anything wrong. I sighed heavily and handed him the car keys.

"I'll be back quickly," I assured calmly, smiling under breath at the sight of Minhyung's confused and slightly scared look. "And take you for a coffee short after" I consoled the black-haired, quickly stroking his cheek with thumb.

"Almost like a date," he joked and I shrugged.

"There may be a date if you want one," I said, walking towards Mrs. Beckett and glancing over shoulder at Minhyung one last time before entering the office. He was smiling.

"Please, sit wherever is most comfortable for you," woman said, closing the door. I chose place in front of her. In fact, I was glad to have this meeting. I've always prefered to judge things personally. "I'm sorry to grab you off the hall this way but I've never had an opportunity like this before and had to take advantage of it. Hope you're not angry with me," Virginia Beckett said quickly, taking own seat. We looked at each other closely at once, both of us aware that the first seconds of contact are the most significant for forming an opinion about the conversation partner.

"Of course not," I assured. "What's going on? Something wrong with Mark? " I asked a bit anxiously. I didn't know what was so important that she had to talk to me in private.

"How long have you guys been together?" but she tackled me about something different, giving the conversation other direction.

"Less than two years," I said, bearing in mind our unusual beach arrangements. "There will be two in June."

"I imagine you've been through a lot together already," she said, smiling slightly. Because of this smile and calmness, I couldn't trust psychologists. I had an eternal feeling of being judged. It's like playing a game where people try to prove to themselves who knows more, who goes deeper and who notices the little nuances faster.

"Two years is a lot of time," I admitted cautiously. I couldn't place myself in the role of someone who's being watched and tried to be figured out. In private life, I was doing it to other people and the sudden change of roles caused me considerable discomfort. "If I can, I will ask you to express your thoughts directly. I don't like talks by roundabout means," I said honestly and Mrs. Beckett smirked as if my words were consistent with image of me created in her mind.

"I want Mark in therapy not to be guided by what he should do and what you think he should talk to me about; but that he should decide for himself what is a priority for him at the moment," she said in a matter-of-fact sequence, explaining the reason for our conversation. I bit lower lip. "Otherwise, this therapy will simply go wrong," Mrs. Beckett added to emphasize the seriousness of the situation.

"I understand," replied after a moment of silence. "Sorry," sighed heavily, glancing at the woman. "I just... I guess I feel guilty sometimes," confessed reluctantly. I didn't want to talk to her about myself. It wasn't for that purpose I came here and felt that it was out of place. But words left my mouth before I could stop them.

"Why are you feeling this way?" she asked, watching me carefully. I swallowed hard.

"Because he came here because of me... for me... for us, actually," I corrected myself, realizing that I hadn't done anything wrong in the autumn and therapy itself wasn't wrong either. I scratched neck due to sudden nervousness. "Mark comes here because he hurt me and didn't want it to happen again, that's why... I guess I feel responsible for the direction in which it all goes," I said finally, letting go going into details about who contributed to what and who it was currently serving.

"I won't be hiding it from you. You have a huge influence on Mark and are actually the point of reference for all the decisions Mark makes in life. No therapy or drug treatment will give him what he takes out of your relationship," she said in response to what I said. "You read him well and explain the world just right but this is the ground of your intimate relationship," she said, slowly moving hand horizontally in the air. "It is influential and healing," admitted with a smile. But that goddamn _but_ was still missing. "What is happening in this office, however, is a separate world, which, yes, affects the dynamics of your relationship, but the relationship shouldn't affect the dynamics of what individual therapy is," woman explained me succinctly, tapping with index fingernails the piece of paper on her lap.

"So I'm just supposed to stay out of your way and not get involved in anything Mark is doing with you here?" I asked, wanting to summarize and get out of here. I felt like a system error caught by an antivirus program.

"I would have stayed on that part about not interfering," she laughed, perhaps seeing that these words didn't purify me. "I don't want you to get me wrong. I just want Mark to tell me about things in the order important to him - it's essential and diagnostic, it shows the hierarchy and depth of his problems. That's all," Mrs. Beckett assured, seeking understanding of her intentions in my eyes. And I knew she was right. It was Minhyung's therapy, not mine. Mark himself didn't like to talk about these meetings and asked me not to inquire about them. However, it was hard for me not to interfere in this part of boy's life. "If, let's assume purely hypothetically, we devote a session to his passion for drawing and then suddenly jumps to the emotionally heavy issue of psychologically unsolved mourning for grandmother, it's clear to me that this is not quite the order he wanted to go. I have a crack in head and this puts the session in question. It's a little different with the involvement issue," woman said, however, getting up from chair. She walked slowly to the bookshelf at the back of office and started looking for something. After less than a minute, she came back to me with a box of some kind. "Your input is very important too," assured me, giving what she brought. "These cards have pictures, sort of like genre scenes. They evoke all sorts of interesting emotions," she explained as I turned the box over to see the description of the contents. "Maybe it is not therapy in the strict sense of the word, but a game that leads Mark to learn some feelings. You can try it in a free, relaxed moment. It will certainly not hurt you two and maybe even give the feeling that you're together in the problem and work to solve it as couple. Sometimes it's more important and healing than a game itself," she said, clearly pleased that had managed to neutralize the effect of the previous remark on my participation in therapy.

"Okay," I nodded, looking at the box. I got up from chair, deciding it was time to leave this place. "I'll stop interfering," I said, wanting to convince myself that I'm capable of doing it. Contrary to appearances, I faced a difficult task.

"Thank you," she laughed, clearly reading how unhappy I was with that. I had to adjust. We said goodbye on the threshold and I went straight to the car, where found Minhyung visibly stressed.

"What's that face?" I asked, grabbing his cheek and sat down comfortably in the passenger seat with a game about emotions on lap. "You weren't supposed to be the driver today," I reminded him of the purpose of my coming here, which was his tragic fatigue and inability to function.

"What did she tell you?" Mark asked however, ignoring my words. "Did I do something wrong?"

"Even if you did something wrong, she wouldn't tell me, fool," I laughed, tapping him lightly on the forehead. Minhyung winced, moderately convinced. "It's a secret and you're an adult. Besides, I'm not sure if there's anything like _doing something wrong_ in therapy, baby," I added, wondering what he said about me that the very thought of our isolated conversation almost gives boy a heart attack. I buckled seat belt, signaling him to start the engine and go for coffee. I guess I needed it too. "She gave me some funny cards and said we could play if we're bored," I explained, looking inside. "They look pretty cool," I muttered as skimmed the genre scenes.

"Do you want to play it?" Mark gave me a sidelong glance as backed the car out of the parking lot.

"And why not?" I was surprised.

"I don't know..." he sighed heavily going into traffic. I think he really didn't know.

"Let's play in the evening and if we like it, we will play and if it is stupid, you will give it back with a nice _thank you_ ," I said, shrugging. I didn't want to impose anything on him because sometimes Minhyung acted like a child and behaved against all odds, despite what I was saying. Because of that, matter had to be presented as attractive as possible from the child's perspective - giving the child a choice.

"Okay," he agreed without much objection and I internally rolled eyes. I knew. Child.

Despite everything, words of the psychologist haunted me. Saying that I'm the point of reference for all decisions in Mark's life didn't tickle my ego at all. On the contrary. It was a fucking big responsibility. I wasn't alpha and omega, I was wrong sometimes, I made mistakes, I reacted emotionally and impulsively. Rarely, but I did because I'm only human. Also, I really wanted Minhyung to start thinking about what is good for him, by way of exception - for both of us as a couple, but never about what is only good for me when such a decision hurts him.

It was quiet between us lately. Calmer than after a Valentine's Day quarrel but also quieter than before it. We were kind and gentle to each other, we weren't particularly drawn to sex, as if for fear that something might burst then. In our conversations, we chose our words carefully so as not to hurt each other. I couldn't judge if it was good. Certainly safe, but fearful. Paranoid. I don't think that's what we meant when we made up.

Most of all, I think the incident in the kitchen made us both terribly embarrassed. That's why we had bed issues in hiatus. It was simply uncomfortable to think that sex had become the solution to such a strange situation / quarrel / something that hadn't even been said directly. We used the intimate sphere to resolve the conflict, although we once promised ourselves that this would not happen again.

We both contradicted each other lately.

So now it was just weird.

I stood in the collection area, waiting for my coffee and thought of ways to romantically energize my wonderful relationship. I was wondering if the answer would be from Theo Esposito, who came into the cafe a moment after me, or if he would still be standing in the corner and wondering if I was really me. 

I was hoping he would stay in the corner.

"May I take your order?" barista asked as he ventured to the cake display. After all, he had a better view of my face there, so the chances of correct identification increased by a few percent.

"Ah, yes," Theo muttered absentmindedly, as if had forgotten he was here for coffee.

I peered through glass at the road in front of the store. Minhyung was sitting in the car on the side of street and looked through the contents of the box from psychologist. I could barely stop myself from laughing. He probably wanted to prepare himself earlier. I didn't think it was possible, though, since Mark probably didn't understand the emotional message of more than half of these cards anyway.

There was another person standing in front of me to pick up the order and Theo's breathing was unbelievably heavy behind my back. His father is a rational mafia boss but young Esposito just an irresponsible, slimy shit with no moral compass. It was hard for me to predict what this strange puffing on my neck would evolve into if we stood in the same line for a while.

Eventually barista set our coffees on the counter and smiled kindly at me. I returned the gesture, relieved to be able to go out. I took drinks from the pickup area and turned to the exit. Meanwhile, Theo summoned up his courage and stepped in my way. I sighed heavily, giving him a cool look.

"Help you with something?" I asked, trying to be neutral.

"Listen... sorry about that thing at banquet," he said, surprising me with directness. I didn't know if unwritten rules of the mafia allowed such meetings outside of formal gatherings but I doubted. For security reasons, we should rather pretend we don't know each other.

"I don't know what you're talking about," I replied coldly, wanting to pass him by. Theo, however, crossed my way again, and the waitress glanced at us suspiciously out of the corner of eye.

"Will you be playing hard to get now?" he asked with amusement, as if playing cat and mouse with the sons of the Italian mafia excited me enormously.

"I'm afraid I've always been and will be impossible to get for you," I said bluntly, lest his empty head look for more space for a pile of delusions. "The past remains in the past and professional matters remain in the workplace. Goodbye" I said harshly, trying to get around the other side. Man, however, was as stubborn as a mule. I sighed heavily, giving him a tired look. I was glad that only some old woman was sitting in the cafe, reading the newspaper. I didn't like drawing attention to myself unnecessarily.

"Maybe I was drunk, but I know what I was saying and I keep it up," he assured, as if that would change anything and this slob's declaration of love would now bring me to my knees because he was sober. "Especially since now I know what you look like," he smiled to himself, moving eyebrows. I grimaced.

"I'm not interested," repeated firmly, noting that Minhyung got out of the car. It wasn't good sign. "As I said: you're delusional. We don't know each other," I recited quickly to avoid Mark's confrontation with Theo.

"I insist..." he muttered through teeth, grabbing my elbow and I swear if I hadn't been holding coffee I would have punched him in the face.

"For now, I also insist that you leave me alone," I replied, gently tugging hand out of the man's grasp. "I won't insist forever," I warned coolly, drawing some kind of confidence from the fact that Minhyung was behind Theo and waited for the right moment to join the conversation.

"Your coffee is going to get cold, Theo," he whispered finally, as softly as to a child. Young Esposito felt a distinct shiver. "Don't you think you should finally pick it up?" he asked again, coming closer to me and taking his cup.

"Fuck you, Lee" Italian growled angrily as he took a step back. Mark sighed heavily, showing me with hand to proceed to the exit.

"Better me than you," Minhyung added when I safely passed Theo by and then he patted Esposito on the shoulder for comfort. I rolled eyes.

Males.

On the way to the car, Mark said nothing. For the first few minutes in city traffic, he didn't comment a word about Theo either. The only sign of irritation was the mouth layout specific for angry Minhyung, fingers knocking on the steering wheel and the radio was not turned on. When we stood at the red light, I put hand on boy's thigh and patted lightly.

"Shhh..." I muttered reassuringly, waiting for him to finally get pissed off and voice series of curses to flow out of him like water breaking a dam.

"I fucking breath," he said finally, driving the car. I laughed under breath.

"Too shallow," I said mockingly, to which Minhyung just rolled eyes. Despite everything, he clearly relaxed.

"Cheeky bastard," he blurted out angrily.

"Proud, young son of great Mafia man," I said jokingly, joyfully accepting Mark's fingers between mine.

"Everything would be easier if we could admit we're together," he finally confessed, surprising me a bit. He evolved very quickly from the festive Minhyung who was unable to tell his mother that he has a boyfriend into Minhyung who could even stand naked in a downtown square and proclaim his love. Of course, my imagination took me a little too far but the message was clear - from the extreme to the extreme.

"Then you could punch him with justification?" I asked laughing. Considering Mark and Theo literally never really liked each other, that was a convenient excuse. Any would be good.

"Just so you know" boy suddenly became indignant. I shook head in disbelief, resting whole body comfortably in the chair.

I looked closely at Minhyung. He looked like he really wanted to punch anyone who looks at me in a way that doesn't suit him personally. For a moment I thought that I didn't understand why this was happening because I'd never given him a reason to be jealous of someone. But then I remembered that I would most like to send Hunter to the other side of the world to limit his contacts with Mark to minus thousand, although Mark himself never gave me reason to be jealous in this way. Maybe this is how the brains of people in love were working so strange.

"I'm yours despite the others know it or not," I whispered after a moment of silence. I felt that these were the most appropriate words I could say in this situation. "We'll handle the rest somehow," I added, clenching fingers tighter on boy's hand. Minhyung smiled to himself. "What's that malicious smile?" I asked with amusement.

"I like it when you say you're mine," he admitted shyly, blushing slightly.

"Your little bumblebee," I laughed teasingly. Minhyung was very weak at hiding how satisfying my words were for him. He just shook head, pretending I was unbearable. "You're really cute sometimes," I sighed happily, kissing the back of his hand quickly.

❤

**[minhyung]**

When we entered apartment, the first thing to do was to throw off our cigar-smelling jackets. We were with papers at the Santino's Oliveto casino. Before opening, the place was always aired out from the very morning but when you left it in the early evening, you still smelled terribly, although you spent literally 10 minutes there. Donghyuck has always vowed to quit smoking because of the stench but has yet to do so.

I left kitchen with a glass of water in hand, loosening tie. A large orange sun hung over the city, slipping more and more downward. A golden light flooded the living room, and in the center of that gold stood my breathtaking boyfriend. He was doing a very prosaic thing - unbuttoning shirt slowly, looking out over the city skyline. Still, there was something incredibly beautiful about the way the sun's rays enveloped his body.

Hyuck was a creation of the sun.

My sunny lover.

Snow lover.

A lover of every season.

I smirked as stepped closer. Before I even knew what I was doing, I held my new, not used even once, sketchbook in hand. I swallowed hard and looked at its leather binding. After hesitating for a moment, I sat down on the glass table in the living room and looked at Donghyuck as if had seen him for the first time in my life.

He was so fucking beautiful...

I would never be able to convey it to boy in words.

I've always used art for these things.

It wasn't bad.

It was good because it allowed me to communicate something that I was unable to achieve on a verbal level.

"Hyuckie..." I called him uncertainly, somehow ashamed of what I was doing.

"Hm?" he muttered a little absently, as if I'd pulled him out of private world of thought.

"Can you just stand still for a moment and stay there?" I asked timidly.

"I can, but..." he began the question, turning to face me but didn't finish it. Brunet noticed the sketchbook in my hands and I barely resisted some irrational, ridiculous instinct that I should hide it or that I'm doing wrong drawing anything. Donghyuck, however, smiled warmly, biting lower lip. "I can," he said softly, returning to position facing the sun and sideways to me.

I placed graphite of pencil hesitantly against paper, but was unable to make that first important move. I looked at hand intently as if it would move with the power of mind. I glanced uncertainly at Hyuck, noting with concern that the sun was sinking faster and faster. At the very thought of losing the chance to capture something so beautiful, my fingers unknowingly drew a long line down.

And so it started.

The next lines appeared on the sheet of paper surprisingly quickly and precisely, as if I had never stopped drawing. The closer the sun hugged the horizon, the faster my wrist worked, wanting to capture as much details as possible in the quick and wild sketch of such a fleeting moment. Eventually, deep shadows fell across the page and I was given a moment to look at what I had created. And it left a lot to be desired.

"And...?" Hyuck asked, walking up to me uncertainly. He combed my hair slowly, disappearing at the back for a moment to light his favorite white tea-scented candle on the table.

"Bang goes that shitty drawing," I sighed heavily, tossing sketchbook on the carpet. I hid face in hands, deeply disappointed in own naivety.

"Show me" brunet asked calmly, standing in front of me with shirt unbuttoned. Its whiteness strongly contrasted with Hyuck's honey complexion and the black trouser belt that wrapped around his sweet, baby belly only broke this color composition with grace. I reached down for the sketchbook and handed it to Donghyuck very reluctantly. Boy was silent for a long time, running finger over the paper in places that interested him more than the others.

"I haven't been drawing for long time," I said quickly in defense but Donghyuck gave me a puzzled look.

"You're talking nonsense," he said bluntly, setting the sketchbook on the table. "It's great," brunet laughed at my skeptical expression. He sighed heavily, straddling me carefully. Also, I was not one hundred percent sure that this table would bear the two of us. "I'm an amateur, not some art connoisseur," Donghyuck rolled eyes in amusement. I grabbed his hips, taking the weight of the boy's body with pleasure. "But I like it a lot," he said with a smile, giving me a quick kiss. "Besides, nothing will come to you just like that, baby," Hyuck added quite seriously, as if surprised by my annoyance that after so long without drawing I suddenly expect myself to paint a replica of Rembrandt's painting on a piece of plain paper. "Well, except for your muse, who's right now in your gifted hands," he said mockingly and theatrically, shrugging. I laughed and kissed his bare shoulder hard, when shirt had fallen off boy's arm. Hyuck's hand in the meantime began to gently stroke my nape, which is why I stayed in this position. I nestled face against brunet's neck, while clenching arms tighter around his waist. "It takes time and exercise. But do it if you like that, okay?" he whispered encouragingly.

"I don't know if I like it," replied completely honestly. I was really lost when it came to drawing.

"Mark" Hyuck began seriously, leaning back a little to force me to look at him. When I did, he grabbed my face with both hands. "You always draw something on my body in bed. Put it on paper," boy said, rubbing forehead lightly over mine. I looked down. Caught. "I know it's hard and you have reasons to block it but put it aside, at least try to do it in the end," he whispered as I rested the top of head against brunet's chest. "Just draw, paint whatever you want," he murmured, lips against my temple.

"Thanks, bumblebee," I smiled hesitantly, grateful that I had the chance to meet this boy in my empty and sad life. Donghyuck chuckled sweetly under breath as lifted my chin. Our lips met first for a moment in a brief kiss, then in a deeper and passionate one. "You know you're truly the most precious... you're all I have," I confessed softly, drowning in Hyuck's wonderful eyes. The most beautiful eyes I've ever seen. My bumblebee, however, smiled gently and shook head in denial, grabbing my neck.

"You have a lot more," he assured, kissing my nose. "Just don't crawl into your shell as you used to," boy asked, resting our foreheads against each other.

"I'll try," promised, closing eyes. "I'll try to."


	63. Need of tenderness

**[end of february 2021]**

**[minhyung]**

When I went out for a cigarette, huge downpour greeted me from threshold. I really quickly felt like seeing tobacco in any form isn't that necessary now for my further existence. I was supposed to go back to the underground after a few puffs when something disposed me to check the time. Whenever it rained, I thought about Donghyuck. Even without rain, thinking about him took up a lot of my day, but during storms I was especially concerned about boy's well-being.

In 17 minutes he finished classes.

I tossed the barely lit cigarette into puddles and ran towards the car. Those few seconds were more than enough to make me look like a wet hen. I called Steven in the meantime, starting the car. Man answered almost immediately, but instead of words, a bored grunt came from his lips.

"If Marco wants something from me, tell him my mom broke something in the kitchen and I'm going to help her," I let man know, slowly driving out of the parking lot behind the restaurant. Visibility was so pathetic that I prayed silently for the absence of pedestrians and life-hating cyclists.

"Your willingness to help sounds ridiculous," Steven pointed out to me and he was quite right. Usually I didn't even answer the phone from my mother.

"Then come up with something," I shrugged. Man always boasted about his vivid imagination, so he had the opportunity to use it now. "I'm going to get Hyuck from school because of this downpour," I explained man so that he wouldn't think I was taking a recreational beer break on the beach.

"He's not made of sugar," Steven little gently reminded me. When it comes to Donghyuck, our approach was completely extreme. I knew Steven's perspective might have been closer to the truth because Hyuck had some sick secrets from me, I just knew it. Whatever these secrets were, brunet was my boyfriend in our private life, not at work. That's why Steven just couldn't know about some things, so I wasn't going to explain it.

"For me he is," I only replied seriously and hung up. I wasn't going to argue.

When I entered the school with umbrella, corridors were already empty. The lights were on only in the main hall and in two classrooms down the hall. Donghyuck was sitting under a row of cabinets with eyes focused on the phone and headphones in ears. I was supposed to walk towards him but my attention was drawn to a well-known female figure. If I were Dalmatian, she would be Cruella de Vil. Only she's black, and I'm not a dog but her nightmare.

"Hello, vice-headmistress," I greeted with a fake smile as she approached hesitantly but kept distance nonetheless. Very correct.

"Headmistress" corrected me haughtily. I nodded appreciatively. If I was more mean, I might even start clapping.

"Promotion for putting teenagers in juvie?" I asked, feigning curiosity. Woman crossed arms over chest and sighed heavily.

"Mr. Lee, why do I owe your, as usual, impudent visit?" she asked, getting straight to the heart of our complicated relationship. I shrugged, looking around a bit theatrically.

"Social goals, old sentiments..."

"There is no room in this building for your sentiments, which you certainly don't have," she broke into my word, holding out hand to the front. It showed the direction I had come from. Namely - the exit. "I have to ask you to leave this school," she added politely but firmly. Definitely without the sentiment I mentioned.

"Won't you ask about my brother?" I was surprised. There was something dull in the woman's eyes. I hit home. "Is he alive or did I kill him after I left the facility? In the past you seemed to be very concerned with Jeno's fate." I drew attention to this disgraceful detail as the likely path of her promotion. By falsified merits.

"Do I have to call the police or will you leave alone?" headmistress asked, taking a step back. She was afraid, and by some strange coincidence, I didn't get any satisfaction from it. My word against her meant so little anyway, almost nothing. I was just some weirdo; psycho from dregs of society. Besides, I didn't come here to torment and blackmail her. I had more important things on my mind.

"And what do you want to tell these poor policemen over the phone?" I asked, sighing heavily. "That some man came to pick his boyfriend up because it's raining and you don't like it?" I laughed without a trace of amusement but with a great deal of mockery. I waved umbrella at leg to make her even see the object.

"Boyfriend?" she was surprised looking at me closely. Woman probably thought I was making fun of her and had an imaginary lover. After all, I'm crazy. These things happen to crazy people after psychiatric treatment. In response, I just waved again at Donghyuck sitting on the floor halfway down the hall. "Impossible..." whispered, looking at me indignantly, as if I had wasted her best student's life, or seduced daughter by being a school badboy with a large criminal record.

"So is my mental health in your dictionary. And yet," I sighed heavily seeing the headmistress turn body towards the brunet. I didn't want to drag him into this like that...

"Donghyuck!" woman screamed down the hall to make sure he heard loud voice through the headphones. Hyuck looked distracted as pulled one earpiece out. He looked at us, eyebrows raised. When the headmistress waved hand, he slowly stood up and started walking towards us, leaving backpack on the ground behind. "You know this man?" woman asked before brunet could even reach us. Hyuck smiled charmingly, although I knew he was completely dishonest. These are the little nuances that I learned to pick out after being in a relationship with him for so long. I knew when Donghyuck was smiling the way he meant and when he was wearing a mask.

"Yes, that's my boyfriend," boy replied immediately, letting me put arm around him. "Something happened?" he asked in utter confusion, making me understand how confused he really was when his hand disappeared into the back pocket of my pants and fingers gently pinched my buttock. Little worm.

"I look much older and the headmistress was just concerned," said, trying not to make any sudden movements. Hyuck laughed again and grabbed my cheek, tugging it gently.

"With that sweet, childish face of yours?" he asked in disbelief and sparkles in eyes saying _what a serious conversation is ahead of us, darling_.

"Shocking, isn't it?" I muttered, kissing him quickly on the forehead.

"Excuse me, miss." Donghyuck took over our conversation and immediately took matters into own hands. "It's just raining heavily and someone must have remembered I hate the rain," boy sighed with a tired smile, patting me gently on the stomach. I guess he was really grateful. I didn't announce that I would pick him up and the brunet himself didn't ask me for anything before. Hyuck probably was ready to spend whole day here alone until it stops raining.

"Take care of yourself Donghyuck, okay?" headmistress cut in on our slightly charming moment, putting hand on Hyuck's shoulder. "So little is left until the end of the year. We've already talked about it," she reminded him of some arrangements unknown to me.

"Of course," brunet nodded obediently. "Minhyung helps me a lot to get through this," he lied smoothly. Hyuck didn't have to make me bright. Only boy did it and the others didn't give a shit anyway. I didn't understand why he was fighting for my good image in the eyes of others. In this environment, I was already burned long ago at all levels. Headmistress also looked at Lee with a lopsided smile, as if he lived in an illusory world and was yet to find out what kind of shit his man was.

"How wonderful," she just commented, glancing at me reluctantly. I answered with a straight face. She didn't deserve any emotion. "Hang in there, Donghyuck," woman concluded as she headed towards office.

"Goodbye," Hyuck actually said to her back. He snuggled closer to me as we both watched the woman disappear around the corner. "What was that?" he asked, a bit confused.

"I thought you were listening to music," I pointed out with amusement. Donghyuck rolled eyes.

"You sound like you know me from yesterday," he said simply. We moved slowly towards the backpack he had left by the locker.

"Who do you think wrote the most furious, venom-filled and fake opinion to the court that I terrorize the school?" I asked, nudging him with shoulder.

"You're kidding..." he was surprised, not in jest. "She's such a nice and helpful woman," murmured, though brunet was a specialist in reading people.

"Apparently for the chosen ones," I sighed heavily as watched Hyuck struggle with locker.

"Why did she do that?" asked, shifting the books from the locker to the backpack and the other books from the backpack to the locker. I watched it as hypnotized. There was something very ordinary about it - completely incompatible with the life we led every day.

"Because she wanted to get school out of trouble and that was the only way out," I explained as boy slammed the metal door. He looked at me, tucking the key in wallet.

"Sounds unbelievable," he said bluntly but I knew it wasn't meant to offend me or to undermine the truth of what I was saying. So I smiled and combed Hyuck's hair lightly.

"Believe me, I have nothing to whiten in front of you," I whispered, joining our lips together in a short, sweet kiss.

"Well, I don't doubt it," he muttered, laughing and hugging me tightly. We stood there for a moment in silence, surrounded by the gray of the bleak weather. I slowly massaged Donghyuck's back with open hand. When it rained, I was always under the strange delusion that boy was dying of cold and pain, and my job is to warm him at all costs and ease suffering. After all, this wasn't always true.

"Are we going?" I asked hesitantly with mouth beside brunet's ear.

"Maybe it'll stop in a moment..." he whispered shyly, fingers tightening on my t-shirt under jacket. I sighed heavily and kissed Donghyuck on the temple.

"Okay, let's wait," I agreed, although it didn't seem like the end is near.

❤

**[donghyuck]**

We sat on the floor under my locker and looked out the window at the gray sky. I was resting back limply against Minhyung's chest as he played silently with the zipper on my blouse. I felt a bit bad about keeping him after hours at school but Mark didn't complain. When I needed him close, he never complained. He just always has been.

"Hyuckie...?" boy finally whispered questioningly in my ear after a while.

"Hm?" I muttered, banging sneakers against his shoe every now and then. The monotony of this action effectively distracted me from the weather and relaxed body in a strange way. The black-haired's shoulders were also relaxing and warm but weren't always fully enough for me to find relief when the memories returned.

"You said you were in the music club," he remembered thing completely unrelated to anything we talked about today.

"Mhm" I nodded sluggishly in acknowledgment. I didn't have the strength to deal with more effusive messages.

"What were you playing there?" he asked, and I wondered if I hadn't really said a word to him about that. Possible. But Minhyung also had very selective attention at times. It's also hard to judge who is at fault. Maybe both and maybe neither of us.

"Piano," I whispered as watched the hideous raindrops stick to the glass. I could almost smell their musty scent in nostrils.

"Play me something while we're trapped here anyway," he suddenly asked, surprising me completely.

"Now?" I was astonished. Indeed, I had a quirky boyfriend who picked up bizarre moments to do bizarre things.

"What's the problem?" he asked, and I shrugged uncertainly. I just didn't feel like it but it was strange for me to deny Mark such a prosaic thing. On the other hand, explaining my reluctance was also not very convenient for me. Especially today.

"I don't know if I can go in there right now since I'm not a member?" I asked hesitantly, resting back of head on boy's shoulder to look at him. Minhyung smiled slightly and brushed my hair back from forehead, then kissed it gently.

"The music room was never closed by anyone," whispered, reminding me that he went to that school himself. He was probably here more often than I was, so knew the local customs much better. "You think anyone cares if you go play there?" Mark asked in the tone of a parent who explains to the child how frivolous and trivial his fears or doubts in life are.

"It's been a long time since I touched a piano..." I muttered, frowning so that he could see that is forcing me to do something I absolutely didn't want to do. Minhyung, however, was a Minhyung and today he either really didn't understand the message or he pretended not to understand it. I haven't figured out when boy winds me up and when he really is an idiot. But I knew Mark sometimes used his alexithymia to get out of innocent quarrels. Little dodger. I haven't pointed it out to him yet.

"You have a chance, come," he said, grunting with an effort to get up. Minhyung picked my backpack off the ground and slung it over shoulder. When he pulled hand towards me, I reluctantly grabbed it, pulling myself upright. Minhyung quickly laced our fingers together and started moving forward. He was much more pleased about the occasion than I was.

"Slow down, baby," I asked with a little amusement, running up a bit. "The music equipment has no legs," I assured, nudging him with shoulder as we stood side by side. "It's not going anywhere," I whispered, hoping in head that it might want to jump out of the music room window.

"I know," black-haired only said, and then we silently climbed stairs to the first floor.

Music room was at the very end of the corridor, completely off the beaten track and on the verge of oblivion. When I was in the club, there weren't many of us. Most people played instruments that could be classified as classical. We weren't identified with the rebels who crash into garages with guitars, but rather with nerds. Rebels preferred their places outside of school like bars, pubs and so on.

As we were about to go in, Mark let me first in the doorway. So when I stopped unexpectedly in the place, he bumped into my back. Although it wasn't entirely boy's fault, he muttered a quick _sorry, bee_ , but the words remained like under sheet of water.

I had avoided this place for a long time. I've forgotten how magical and cozy it is. How many really enjoyable moments I spent here with the people from the club, how we prepared for performances and trips, how we cleaned the equipment and created sheet music for performances. One of the really few places in those days where I felt just safe.

I walked slowly and with a slight hesitation to the piano which took up most of the space in the music room. I carefully lifted the keypad cover and then sat down in front of the instrument with a heavy sigh. There were very contradictory feelings in my heart. On the one hand, I wanted to withdraw and come back home even in the rain, and on the other hand, my hands were struggling to play something.

"Do you know such an artist... Yiruma?" I asked in a whisper, looking at the keys with strange emotion. It was so long ago and the emotions somehow still stayed with me.

"I don't know..." Mark shrugged as sat down next to me on the bench in front of the piano.

"I listen to him in the car sometimes," I explained calmly, not even counting on him knowing what I was talking about. I wasn't angry. Minhyung was ignorant but sweet ignorant. One within my tolerance.

"Then I must know," boy laughed, stroking my head gently. I smiled at him.

"I'm gonna play _River flows in you_ " I stated after making the decision in head. "It's really beautiful," I assured, though no sign of skepticism came from Minhyung's side.

"Okay," boy just smiled and put hand on my thigh. He liked doing it and I liked it when he did.

I took a deep breath as tried the keys lightly. I took a sharp breath of air into lungs when the first soft sounds hit our ears. I didn't think it would be such a strong experience. The l'ast time I played the piano was the night before my mom's accident, at the end of a concert that took place wild miles from her body bleeding out on the floor.

Finally, after a brief moment of hesitation, not commented on by Mark, room was filled with piano sounds. Timid at first, they eventually took their proper shape. Just like everything took shape when music came into my life.

Fingers began to hit the keys more boldly and confidently.

In a strange way, heart grew heavier and more uncooperative.

Body was adapting to every sound emanating from the instrument.

Mark rested forehead gently on my shoulder, straddling the bench beforehand. He put arm around the waist at the side of my spine, as if afraid he might somehow get in the way. Heat of boy's body was reassuring, bringing me down to earth.

I began to remember all the activities of the music club, contests and trips to festivals. Even if my life was collapsing, music was always there to catch in arms when I fell. It wasn't until playing for Minhyung today that I realized how much I missed that feeling of being completely cut off from reality. It was just me, the piano and the soft sounds of a song that I still knew by heart and was able to play even with my eyes closed.

There was life in music.

Magic of the changing seasons.

A shy breeze on a too hot day.

First kiss.

Awkward first time.

First everything.

And the last one.

Fragments of the past swirled under my eyelids in a wild, dangerous dance, giving a headache. For a moment I couldn't tell if the old days or the present were better, but after a while it dawned on me that I had the answer at my fingertips. That answer to the question of when I had the best time in life is resting forehead on my shoulder, listening to the melody gradually fading under fingers.

It was our little private world, which we had created secretly outside of work.

A personal dimension and a bit detached from reality.

A dimension in which we were completely different than professionally.

Music lost more and more power, gradually turning into delicate sounds. Minhyung also gave up direct contact with my body in favor of being just close, right next to me. Eventually song came to an end, but the final winning notes somehow magically stayed with me for a few moments longer.

"Hmm..." I finally sniffed, sliding fingers slowly off the keys. I stared at the piano in silence for a moment longer, then closed cover, blinking eyes a few times. "Haven't played for ages," I smiled weakly at Minhyung, fingers tightly gripping lap as if keys had burned the ends of them. Boy looked at me with pained eyes, as if sensed in a strange way that my parting with the piano had not happened at all naturally and with pleasure with the consent of both sides - mine and the music. "I won contests with that song and _Sunset Bird_ ," I finally said, biting lower lip. "At first I played alone, then Taylor, whom I told you about, joined the circle," I wiped nose on the sleeve of sweatshirt. Minhyung pushed my hair gently from forehead and stroked cheek with thumb. I grabbed his hand and laced our fingers together. That gave me comfort in those strange moments. "We played two pianos at festivals, big audience, applause, these things..." I smiled to memories. "We even got a scholarship, you know?" I asked with tears in eyes, trying my best not to cry. "The head of the music academy got interested in me and said that when I graduate from high school, there will be an empty seat there..." I said, focusing attention on the view outside the window. It was too much emotion even for me to keep eye contact with Minhyung, who was clearly not up to the task.

"I saw the application in your room while I was cleaning," he confessed quietly, and I nodded to show understanding. If he had seen that application, he had seen many other things that I wanted to forget about. 

To think that since the new year he has never asked about anything... 

Stupid Minhyung.

"It made us meet, so it's okay," I laughed, sniffling. There was no point in investigating how the mafia had fucked up both of us by closing all ways of development. At our own request, to be honest. Nobody forced us to make such choices by force.

"Bumblebee..." Mark began, but I cut him off. I didn't want to talk about it any longer. My heart ached too much.

"I have something for you," I said, reaching into backpack. "I found it on my way to school," whispered, carefully picking my find out of the biology textbook pages. _On the way to school_ , sounded better than from aunt Eunkyung's cafe, who supplies me with a unlawful gun and information about runaway dogs. As much as I used to hate lying, this little passing of reality didn't hurt that much. "It's a forget-me-not," I whispered softly, placing the flower on the palm of my hand. I looked at Minhyung with a smile, noting with satisfaction that I had completely surprised him. "You always give me something, you try to be romantic and it dawned on me that I only come out of the position that expects this romanticism from you, without arranging anything myself..."

"Hyuckie..." Minhyung shook head in denial, entering my word. I knew it was so. I wasn't going to whip myself for it, but I wanted to spread the romantic contribution to the relationship evenly between us.

"Forget-me-not has many meanings but I chose the one that was joyful and that relates to us," I explained with a shy smile. It felt strange in the new role, but accepting it turned out to be very pleasant. "It is a symbol of the developing love of two people. That's why I just wanted to give it to you and..." I laughed, shrugging. "Here you go," I said, holding out the forget-me-not towards Mark. Boy laughed too, shaking head from side to side. He took wallet out of back pocket and tucked the flower in where people usually keep pictures of their loved ones. Minhyung's place was empty.

"Thank you," he said, smiling under breath as ran thumb over the piece of plastic behind which flower was stuck. "Come to me," he whispered happily, opening arms. I drowned in them without the slightest hesitation. I've always been fond of being close to another body.

Our lips touched initially in a shy kiss. I thought that such a small caress would satisfy me on a nasty, rainy day. I rarely felt amorous, when gray clouds dominated the sky. Usually I was quite satisfied with the simple closeness of Minhyung. Today, however, was different. After a little kiss, I felt like in need of more and more intense nearness. I nuzzled Mark's nose and pulled him by the nape of neck with a slight hesitation. In fact, since Valentine's Day it has been variously with our physical contact. Also today, I wasn't so sure about myself. Minhyung didn't have that problem, however, and decided to share his confidence generously with me.

I moved closer to the boy, wrapping legs around his waist. Our lips met this time much more confidently and definitely for longer. Mark's hands held me safely by the hips and back, and my hands crossed at the wrists behind boy's head. I felt a bit like an unruly teenager entering high school who sneaks out of class to secretly steal kisses from his boyfriend in another class. There was a charm in it, and I really regretted that this kind of experience was impossible for Mark and me to make up for.

"Take me," I whispered finally between kisses, gathering courage. I thought that the first sex since argument would be in bed, but man is not always able to plan in advance the scenery to meet his needs.

"Here?" boy asked in surprise and I just nodded. Mark didn't argue. He didn't penetrate into the nature of my need but immediately started to satisfy it. That's what I loved about him the most.

Minhyung got up slowly from bench, still holding me in arms, and seated carefully on the piano lid. I never thought I would have sex at school. It is true that Seth and I did it once in the locker room after the game but we had thought that the door was locked. Meanwhile, I had no idea if the music room could be closed at all. Sliding the jacket off Minhyung's shoulders, I slowly accepted the fact that janitor would admire his shapely ass. There was no option for me to back out of this. I needed my boyfriend here and now.

"Minhyung..." I sighed softly, giving black-haired fiercely every, smallest kiss with which he went out to meet.

"Hm?" he muttered as unbuckled the belt of my jeans.

"Remember when you said that only one word of mine is enough...?" I asked in a whisper, echoing our older than dirt conversation from the beginning of the year. I think the time has come when I needed to test the truth of Mark's assurance.

"Should I be gentle?" he guessed almost immediately, looking at me closely. I nodded uncertainly in acknowledgment. Minhyung smiled slightly under breath and ran thumb over my warm cheek.

"Do we have time for this?" I asked timidly, not sure if I should expect similar things from boy under such unfavorable circumstances. Minhyung, however, shrugged, putting lips to my neck.

"Time doesn't matter when I have your naked body in front of me in need of tenderness," he whispered sensually in my ear. I laughed under breath but in heart I was incredibly grateful for all the delicacy and attention with which he touched and treated me.

I sighed loudly, tilting head back as Mark's thumbs slided into my groin. I lifted hips a little to make it easier for the boy to take off my pants. I tried with all strength not to focus on the possibility of a janitor coming in at any moment, but I quickly remembered that it was me who initiated today's nearing, so I should take into account possible consequences.

Along with Minhyung's lips on my neck, a blue sky greeted me outside the window.

I smiled to myself while going with fingers through boy's hair.

It stopped raining.

❤

**[minhyung]**

I combed Hyuck's hair slowly as he was lying against my chest. Boy's room was lit only by the faint flames of small candles on the windowsill behind our heads. We were in bed and in a long time neither of us had said a word. I guess we had too much in our heads to accept the other person's extra perspective. On the other hand, I myself didn't think about anything specific. I simply wandered about many topics, not focusing on any longer. I just took pleasure in the warmth of Hyuck's body and tried to savor it.

"Are you sleeping?" I finally asked in a whisper, wrapping a lock of brunet's hair against my index finger.

"No," he muttered sleepily in response. "Why?" he added in a whisper after a moment when I didn't react to his reply.

"Nothing" I said briefly and completely honestly. "I was just curious," I said, kissing boy on the top of head. Donghyuck chuckled under breath. Outside the window, rain hit the windows and roof as if with redoubled force. We managed to escape from school just in time for an even bigger storm than the previous one. "How are you?" I asked with concern, carefully monitoring the degree of Hyuck breaking into pieces. He overflowed a bit through my hands, but it wasn't too bad.

"Okay," admitted hesitantly. Thanks to this, I knew that it wasn't just tragic. I don't think Hyuck has ever told me outright that he feels bad and unable to function. I must have guessed such things, although I've never been a master of this art. "I always feel better with you on days like this..." he whispered grumpily as slid hand under my t-shirt.

"I'm glad" I admitted with a smile, accepting boy's warm fingers on stomach without reservation. "If we could go, where would you like me to take you?" I asked suddenly, remembering what I was really thinking today as we were both lying here.

"You know where" brunet replied calmly, making me a little confused. I had absolutely no idea about his desires of this type. Escape anywhere was still a deep abstraction, a childhood dream impossible to fulfill.

"Where?" I decided to ask with a little uncertainty. I was afraid that he had actually mentioned to me once and I just didn't listen to him or forgot.

"You know..." he whispered, patting me gently on the stomach, as if to show that he believed in me and if I strain mind, I will come up with a solution. I sighed heavily, frowning. I could only think of one place.

"Norfolk?" I muttered hesitantly.

"Mhm," Donghyuck agreed with a grunt. "Only you and me, peace, quiet, nobody wants anything from us..."

"It would be perfect..." replied. I mentally scolded myself for wanting this vision to come true. It was completely unreal to fulfill but so tempting that letting it go turned out to be incredibly painful.

"Minhyung..." Hyuck began suddenly very hesitantly, fingers gripping the bottom edge of my shirt. It alarmed me for the simple reason that he hardly ever did that. In fact, it only happened when Hyuck was about to say things about himself that had a hard time going down his throat.

"Hm?" I muttered, seemingly unfazed. But there was chaos in my head. I tried to think about the appropriate emotional responses to what I was going to hear, but it was just impossible. I was terrified of stagnation, inadequacy, or the fact that I would have to keep quiet because I would suddenly lack words.

"My application for music school... what else did you find then?" he asked in a voice so weak and uncertain that it made me shiver. I felt immediately faint, even though we were lying. Of all the topics that could arise, this was the least I expected - if not at all.

"I think you know that perfectly well..." I finally replied, covering Donghyuck with blanket. More tactical than necessary. After all, it was quite warm.

"Can we not talk about it yet?" but he asked quite unexpectedly. I thought he was bringing up the topic because he just wants to talk about it. Hyuck almost never avoided confrontation. This time it was different and I wasn't surprised at all. I still didn't know how to relate to the fact that his father had done such terrible harm as sexual abuse.

"We can," I said calmly, wrapping arms tightly around brunet. I kissed boy hard on the forehead. "If you don't want to, we don't have to at all," I said honestly, though I didn't know if it was a good solution. I was afraid that talking about Hyuck's father might do him more mental harm than good.

"Don't you feel any different towards me?" he asked in a slightly high-pitched, slightly broken voice. I felt boy's eyelids closing tightly, fearing any answer I might give. I guess he really had little faith in me sometimes.

"No, Hyuck," I said immediately. I didn't have to think about that at all. Never. "I've known that since the new year. Was it any different between us?" I was surprised, wondering if maybe I had unknowingly given him any signs that it was otherwise. But it wasn't. I said it in complete harmony with myself.

"No," he admitted, shaking head from side to side. It was quiet between us for a moment. I could hear heart beating loudly in ears and feel Hyuck's heartbeat pounding against my chest as well. I bit lower lip, slowly massaging brunet's shoulder. It was a tough situation for both of us for many, different reasons. My only regret was that I wasn't yet at a stage where I would be able to help him and understand at least a little what he actually felt in the face of this terrible trauma emerging. All I could do was be there and hug him. I wasn't good for anything else and that was also frustrating at times. "God, why right now...?" Finally Donghyuck sighed heavily, putting face in hands.

"It's okay," I assured, although knew it was a little consolation and maybe none would be better.

"It's not," he said suddenly, sniffling and sat down on the bed ready to leave the room. I shook head as sat down as well.

"It is, baby," I assured, gripping his face tightly in both hands before he could escape either way. "Fucking is," I whispered, leaning our foreheads against each other. I started slowly massaging the boy's neck, trying to gently relax tense muscles. "Believe me it is," I added quietly after a moment, listening to our breaths as they tried to harmonize and stabilize. 

Step by step. 

Second by second.

"I am so ashamed..." Donghyuck finally confessed helplessly and moved closer. He rested cheek on my shoulder, hiding face in the hollow of my neck.

"You must have gone mad," I muttered in disbelief, pulling him to me. "This shame shouldn't belong to you. You're not at fault," whispered. I started to sway us slowly from side to side. "Absolutely not; not at all, baby," I whispered thoughtfully, my lips against boy's temple. The medical records stated that an ambulance had arrived at the hospital with him unconscious. I doubted father would call 911 in a fit of remorse. "Does your mom know?" I asked hesitantly. Hyuck just nodded.

"That's why you asked for my first time then?" he muttered weakly but understandably. I sighed heavily as I recalled our new year's conversation.

"Yes, I'm sorry," I reluctantly admitted the unskillful way I wanted to explore the area of abuse incident at the time.

"I had an enjoyable first time," Donghyuck assured calmly, finding my fingers with his. "Don't worry about that..." boy whispered. "It wasn't with him," he added, so softly it was almost on the verge of audibility.

"Did you tell Seth about this?" I asked out of curiosity. I wasn't driven by all the sick mechanisms of jealousy as always. In a weird way, I wanted Hyuck's ex to know and support him. Because I didn't know if I could do it properly or even if i could do it at all.

"No..." Donghyuck, however, denied it.

"How do you feel about that? That I know?" I thought more about it. In the end, I found out about this case completely by accident. It wasn't that brunet wanted to share this knowledge with me in any way.

"I'm ashamed," he said simply, shrugging. "I'm glad we're sitting there this way so I don't have to look you in the eye," boy confessed seriously, cuddling closer to me.

I was very comfortable in this position. I learned so many months of staying close until I finally began to want it myself. But this time the closeness was a hindrance. It didn't help, but supported silence. I didn't want this kind of silence ever to arise between us. So I leaned back a little to look at Donghyuck anyway. Boy closed eyes in response and squeezed eyelids tightly. I laughed under breath.

"Look at me" I asked, placing slow kisses on each eyelid.

"I don't want to," Hyuck firmly protested nonetheless. I sighed heavily. He left me no choice. I grabbed his face and decided to open boy's eyes forcefully with thumb and forefinger. "What are you doing!" Donghyuck raised voice, hitting me hard on the shoulder. I started laughing and pulled brunet to a quick kiss.

"Smile for me" I asked, seeing his sad and slightly irritated face.

"Minhyung..." he sighed reluctantly, softening under the pressure of my thumb on his cheek.

"Smile..." I muttered, kissing Hyuck on the neck. Boy sent me a tired look, then gave a soft laugh under breath and shook head from side to side. "I love your smile," I said, laying him carefully on back. Hyuck just sighed heavily and wrapped legs around my waist.

"I love yours, too," he said, running thumb over my bottom lip. "Just a pity that I see it so rarely," he whispered as I lay comfortably between his legs. I didn't comment because boy was right. "I have something else for you," he interrupted suddenly, squirming beneath me as searched for something in back pocket. "I completely forgot," he laughed happily as pulled out the beads on leather band.

"What is it?" I asked in surprise, taking item in hand.

"I took care of the children at the last meeting of an expatriate association..." he began to narrate and I just frowned in surprise.

"Since when have you been going to such meetings," I was surprised.

"My mom is," he explained calmly. "One of the girls had a set for making bracelets, so I took this unique opportunity," added as I carefully studied each bead, lying comfortably on brunet's chest. Each plastic element was separated by small knots. First there was a small bee, two squares with the letter B, then a heart, next letters - F and R, and finally a small bead with a flower. I smiled under breath.

"Bumblebee?" I made sure of the double B.

"Mhm," Hyuck agreed with a grunt as combed my hair slowly.

"FR?" I muttered thoughtfully, rubbing beads with thumb. I was looking for an adequate expansion in head, but none came to me. "Flower... something?" I asked, suggesting the last one with a flower icon.

"Nope" Donghyuck laughed charmingly, also touching the bead. "Fucking romantic" he finally explained with joy.

"Very funny," I sneered, but had to admit I enjoyed it anyway. The whole thing was childish but deadly charming in its own way and very private. Personalized, handmade gifts had something special about them. Even the most kitschy and inadequate became unique and desirable.

"But it can also be Flower Romantic if you don't like it," brunet assured quickly, as if fearing that I might be offended by any of this. I rolled eyes and shook head.

"Do it up ," I said simply, pointing hand toward him. "It might even be Fucking Retard. I don't care as long as it's a gift from you," I stated quite honestly.

"Do you want to wear it?" Donghyuck was surprised. Nevertheless, he slowly started making a neat knot from the thong ends at my wrist.

"You gave this to me for something," I said, examining the bracelet. It looked terribly inadequate for our age, but I don't recall ever having liked or enjoyed anything more than this handcrafted little thing.

"Steven will laugh at you," Hyuck remarked - rightly so, by lacing our fingers together.

"I don't care about that dumb dick," I muttered with eyes closed, listening to Hyuck's heart echo around his belly. Brunet's thumb slowly stroked back of my hand. "It's absolutely the best thing I've ever got in life," I finally whispered, making sincere confession.

"You're exaggerating," boy said calmly. I think he was smiling and that was always the most important thing for me. That he would laugh as much as possible and not think about what was in the past. That he would think about us - here and now.

"I'm telling the truth," I assured, starting a longer silence. Today was doomed to it. It was still only raining and we were jumping between depressive and traumatic topics. Everyone would need a moment of emotional respite after such an affectional roller coaster. "Hyuckie..." I finally muttered on the verge of sleep. Boy's fingers gently combed my hair and it felt like I was walking on a thin line of reality and fantasy.

"Hm?" brunet answered me in a very similar tone, gently waving foot from side to side, hitting my leg rhythmically.

"You know I'm all yours too?" I finally asked. I felt it was a very appropriate time to expel what I so rarely pass through mouth. Way too rare.

"What do you mean?" Donghyuck whispered in slight surprise. His hand slipped from my head to the back of neck and stayed there.

"You said you weren't romantic yourself and you expect me to be," I reminded him, thinking back to our conversation at school. "It's the same with possession," I concluded. "You keep telling me you're mine and I keep asking you to be mine. I just wanted to tell you that I also belong to you," said softly, not feeling any major embarrassment or awkwardness at what I was saying. I wanted to say it, I wanted to say it and I felt my boyfriend needed to know it. "I'm yours, Donghyuck," I told him simply. Like the law, the facts, no room for discussion. "No one else," reassured forcefully. Donghyuck was silent for a moment, then all I heard was a gentle sniff and muffled laughter from boy.

"I love you, Mark Lee," he whispered sweetly, sighing softly and calmly. "You really are a fucking romantic sometimes," he added with amusement, and I smiled under breath.

"I love you too, my tiny, fragile bumblebee."


End file.
